Witty Jokes, Pictures, Sounds and Videos

Economic Stimulus

Fish — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 13:33:36 +0000

Sometime this year we taxpayers may receive an Economic Stimulus payment.

This is a very exciting new program, the explanation is via the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q.. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , China Honduras and Guatemala .
* If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in Canada by:

1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos

(These are the only Canadian businesses still operating in Canada )

************
I’m going to go to a ball game, with a tattooed prostitute, that I met at a yard sale, and drink beer.

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Economic Stimulus

Montana Cowboy

Fish — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 05:32:30 +0000

A young, good-looking cowboy walked into a drug store in Montana and asked
to speak to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she
and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then
asked if she could help him.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and
whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she
would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The cowboy reluctantly agreed and began by saying, ‘This is tough for me to
discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems
and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me forit.’
The pharmacist said, ‘Just a minute, I’ll talk to my sister.’ When she
returned, she said, We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can
do is as follows:
1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, and $3,000 a month
living expenses!

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Montana Cowboy

The Power of Interpretation

Fish — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 13:32:25 +0000

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy .. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.. He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy ; if the Pope won, they’d have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a ’silent’ debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said
that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy !!!

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, ‘First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

‘Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

‘I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

‘He bested me at every move and I could not continue.’

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he’d won.

‘I haven’t a clue’ the rabbi said. ‘First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger.

‘Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.’

‘And then what?’ asked a woman.

‘Who knows?’ said the rabbi. ‘He took out his lunch so I took out mine.’

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The Power of Interpretation

Halloween Fun

Fish — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 20:51:58 +0000

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Halloween Fun

Blonde At Work

Fish — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 15:30:12 +0000

I really needed a day off work, but I knew the boss wouldn’t allow me to take leave. I thought that if I acted like I was ‘crazy’ he would tell me to take a few days off, so I hung upside-down from the ceiling, and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who is blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss might think I was ‘crazy’ and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, “What in the name of God are you doing?” I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, “Clearly you are stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.” I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the boss asked her, “…And where do you think you’re going?”

She said, “I’m going home too. I can’t work in the dark..”

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Blonde At Work

Blonde Makes a Password

Fish — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 15:29:45 +0000

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password; MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy When asked why such a big password - Okay, here’s her answer… She said that it had to be at least 8 characters long. Orginial Post On: Blonde Makes a Password

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Blonde Makes a Password

Signs I wish I could Put In My Office

Fish — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 19:55:50 +0000

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Signs I wish I could Put In My Office

His & Hers Dictionary

Fish — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 16:56:18 +0000

Thingy.

Female: Any part under a cars hood.

His: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

Vulnerable

Female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to an other.

His: Playing football without a cup.

Communication

Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.

His: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

Commitment

Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.

His: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

Entertainment

Female: A good movie,concert,play or book.

His: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

Flatulence

Female: An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.

His: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

Making love

Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

His: Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

Remote control

Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

His: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

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His & Hers Dictionary

THE ITALIAN SECRET FOR A LONG MARRIAGE

Fish — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 20:41:39 +0000

At St. Mary’s Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands marriage seminar. At the session last week the priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, ‘Wella, I’ve a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Roma for the 25th anniversary!’

The priest responded, ‘Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?’

Giuseppe proudly replied, ‘I’m agonna go get her.’

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THE ITALIAN SECRET FOR A LONG MARRIAGE

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy

Fish — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 12:21:50 +0000

1. A day without sunshine is night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13…. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
14. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? Do We Die?

21 Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, ‘What the heck happened?’

23. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.

24. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

25. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

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The wisdom of Larry the cable guy