Witty Humor

When in Doubt Yahoo is the Answer!!

noreply@blogger.com (Witty Jester) — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 05:44:00 +0000

From Archives :)

Since you enjoyed the hilarious quips and quirks from the last Yahoo Answers post,presented in this post are even more insane answers!!!

When in doubt yahoo is the answer part i

To the guy making out with my wife!!

noreply@blogger.com (Witty Jester) — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 06:34:00 +0000

One of my favorites from the archives :)

What would you do if you found out that a guy was making out with your wife behind your back.Well whatever your reaction would be trust me it is never going to be anything like the one you come across in this note which a husband writes for the guy who is doing his wife.

1. Please stop leaving the seat up, I keep getting blamed .

2. You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit (god knows I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you.

3. If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter I will pick some up.

4. Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5 year old son believes if its not there he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recommend a better spot?

5. After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, I run out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty (thanks).

6. Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not retarded.

7. Please stop turning the heat up, you pay nothing and you are screwing me, my wife may like it but I think it hurts.

8. When she asks "do these pants make me look fat", say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in.

9.Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share.

Lastly I would like thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentine’s Day. She was not as hungry as usual and only ordered one meal. I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become awkward if I have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don't feel rushed.

P.S. I am going to take the kids to the camping for two days, this Tuesday; I have a bottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer.

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Noah or the ark?

noreply@blogger.com (Witty Jester) — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 06:44:00 +0000

From Archives :)
Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat.” Mark Twain

Not that I completely disagree with Mark Twain's view but nonetheless I am really fond of the legend of Noah and his ark.So I tried to tell his story from my perspective.

God ordered Noah to build an Ark to save all the species of the world

He did build a gigantic Ark;but gathering the entire clan was not a cake walk.

Most animals were willing and co-operative!!

While some had to be "coaxed"

Unfortunately some were left behind!

And hence the journey of the millennium started.

There were some hiccups initially!!

But nonetheless they were tackled!!!

No matter what the problems; they carried on!!

There was no stopping the bunch of believers!!

No wonder we are still spell bound by the story of Noah and his ark!!!!

Well this story telling was a rather new initiative.Did it strike the right chord???
This post was featured on the homeschooling carnival here

Well I have been unable to publish posts for quite sometime now,but I promise I will be back with a bang :D

Not kidding!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Witty Jester) — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 11:07:00 +0000

Archives :)

These letters really made my day,hope it makes your too :)

World's Wittiest Graffitis

noreply@blogger.com (Witty Jester) — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 11:06:00 +0000

Here is a tribute to the best graffiti's from all around which amused us and made us smile.....

That’s exactly what my neighbor’s wife keeps screaming every night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well all of us had our share of Shakespeare, some just held on to it….

If you liked this you might also like Funniest Exam answers

Pigs!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Witty Jester) — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 11:24:00 +0000

Archives :)

THE following is a copy of a letter apparently sent to British foreign secretary David Milliband, who was formerly UK environment secretary, concerning Europe’s perverse agricultural subsidy system.

Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the “not rearing pigs” business.
In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavor in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.
I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?
As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven’t reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is – until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100?
I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?
Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don’t rear?

I am also considering the “not milking cows” business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?
In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.

I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.

Yours faithfully,
XXXXX XXXXXXXXXX

If you liked this you might also like And we voted these morons in and how dare you

When in doubt, yahoo is the answer Part ii

noreply@blogger.com (Witty Jester) — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 19:47:00 +0000

Since you enjoyed the hilarious quips and quirks from the last Yahoo Answers post,presented in this post are even more insane answers!!!

When in doubt yahoo is the answer part i

Words which will be your last!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Witty Jester) — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 18:25:00 +0000

We have often come across a list of last words of famous people, but it is the first time we have compiled a list of lines that could possibly be the very last words uttered.

"It's not flammable."

"What does this button do?"

"The odds of that happening are a million to one!"

"So, you're a cannibal."

"It's probably just a rash."

"Are you sure the power is off?"

"I saw them do this on TV."

"Don't worry, it's not loaded."

"These are the good kind of mushrooms."

"Rat poison only kills rats."

"It's strong enough for both of us."

"This doesn't taste right."

"I can do that with my eyes closed."

"I've done this before."

"Well, we've made it this far."

"Hmm, that's odd."

"Don't be so superstitious."

"Watch this!!!"

Well and accidents are supposed to be sad but these accidents will actually bring a smile on your face

The comedy of errors:The simpson family!

noreply@blogger.com (Witty Jester) — Sat, 22 Jan 2011 13:23:00 +0000

Archives :)

SIMPSONS series is a satirical parody of a working class American lifestyle epitomized by its eponymous family, which consists of Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie. The show is set in the fictional city of Springfield, and lampoons American culture, society, television and many aspects of the human condition. Here are the handpicked gems of the show by the characters of the series and their take on human philosophy

Sideshow Bob: Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?

Ralph: Me fail English? That’s unpossible.

Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.

Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Homer: Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.

Homer: Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!

"If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!"

Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I'm proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out.

Homer: Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!

Lionel Hutz: This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.”

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Principal Skinner: That’s why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.

Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.

Sideshow Bob: You want the truth! You can't handle the truth! No truth handler you! Bah! I deride your truth handling abilities!

Homer: Oh, so they have Internet on computers now!

Chief Wiggum: Can’t you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can’t be policing the entire city!

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

I used to be with it, but then they changed what 'it' was. Now, what I'm with isn't it, and what's 'it' seems weird and scary

Chief Wiggum: Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2.

Sideshow Bob: I’ll be back. You can’t keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I’m back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.

You heard me; I won't be in for the rest of the week... I told you! My baby beat me up! No, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up.

Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that

Homer: Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

Homer: When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.

[Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay]
Hee hee! Look at this country!'You are gay.'

Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.

Lionel Hutz: Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.”

Chief Wiggum: I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I don't mind being called a liar when I am lying, when I am about to lie or just finished lying... but not when I am telling the truth.

Sideshow Bob: No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.

I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

Homer: I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.

Homer: Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.

"Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done."

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Ned Flanders: I’ve done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!

Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure... not even close.

"Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own."

Homer: I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!

The strong must protect the Sweet.

The sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back. I hope you never say a word.

Comic Book Guy: Oh, a *sarcasm* detector. Oh, that’s a *really* useful invention!

Homer: Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?

Homer: [Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.

Are you kidding me??

noreply@blogger.com (Witty Jester) — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 05:47:00 +0000

Aren't there times when you just gasp,"No way!!You must be kidding me.".

Well we sure aren't kidding here,some of the most amusing facts for you.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath

The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write approximately 50,000 English words.

The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start with.

The total combined weight of the worlds ant population is heavier than the weight of the human population.

9 out of 10 people believe Thomas Edison invented the light bulb.This isn't true; Joseph Swan did.

If every person in China stood on a chair and jumped off at the same time...it would knock the earth off its axis!

97% of all paper money in the US contains traces of cocaine.

A sneeze travels out your mouth at over 100 m.p.h.!

Babies are born without knee caps.

Bamboo plants can grow up to 36 inches in a day.

Contrary to popular belief, hair does not grow back darker and thicker after it has been shaved.

During his or her lifetime, the average human will grow 590 miles of hair.

Each day, more than $40 Trillion Dollars changes hands worldwide.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you counted 24 hours a day, it would take 31,688 years to reach one trillion!

It takes about 63,000 trees to make the newsprint for the average Sunday edition of The New York Times.

Most people who read the word 'yawning' will yawn!

No matter its size or thickness, no piece of paper can be folded in half more than 8 times.

The ashes of the average cremated person weigh nine pounds.

The Bank of America was originally the Bank of Italy!

The best time for a person to buy shoes is in the afternoon. This is because the foot tends to swell a bit around this time.

The number of text messages sent and received in a given day is greater than the world's population.

The odds of being killed by falling out of bed are one in two million.

The only king without a moustache in a deck of cards is the king of hearts.

The revenue that is generated from gambling is more than the revenue that comes from movies, cruise ships, recorded music, theme parks, and spectator sports combined.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than a poisonous spider!

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel with over 50,000 words, none of which containing the letter "E".

Guinness Book Of Records holds the record for being the book most stolen from Public Libraries.

In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.

The word "queue" is the only word in the English language that is still pronounced the same way when the last four letters are removed.

"Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.

The longest English word without a vowel is twyndyllyngs which means "twins".

It costs about 3 cents to make a $1 bill in the United States

Uncopyrightable is the only 15-letter word in the English language that can be written without repeating a letter.

Letter 'c' does not appear anywhere in in the spellings of entire English Counting
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but mens noses and ears never stop growing.

Humor: Saving and taking lives since eternity!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Witty Jester) — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 06:56:00 +0000

From the archives

The only sarcasm and humor worth noticing are the one which are subtle, included in this post are a couple of articles which certainly won’t have u rolling on the floor with laughter but will definitely bring a smile on your face.

Letter from Wayne ...

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try to show some understanding. My name is Wayne , and let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a full time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice ,big, cold glass of freshly squeezed Lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too --- or just bring me a cold beer in a frosted mug.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Wayne

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Wayne died tragically on March 1st of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and with a sledge hammer lying nearby.

His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Wayne somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

The wife was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments.Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.I also gave her the lingrie that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Ohhh woman, thou art hard to please!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Witty Jester) — Wed, 12 Jan 2011 12:40:00 +0000

MEN!!!!I think that is enough for the introduction.................

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’
‘It depends,’ I replied. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’
He yelled back, ‘ OHIO STATE ! ‘
And they say blondes are dumb….

A couple was lying in bed. The man says, ‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.’
The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you………

‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, ‘honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’
‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60’s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger…. Whoosh….immediately he turned 90!!!
Gotta love that fairy!

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I’ll beat him to death.
AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder ‘Instruction Manuals’

Saying you suck with class!!!!1

noreply@blogger.com (Witty Jester) — Sun, 09 Jan 2011 04:39:00 +0000

From the archives

There used to be a time when even insults appeared to be poetic.The battle of wits among the most gifted individuals was a treat; included in this posts are the pearls of witty putdowns and in some case wittier comebacks.

Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time. -- Frederic Raphael

She could carry off anything; and some people said that she did. -- Ada Leverson

This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible, this was terrible with raisins in it. -- Dorothy Parker

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech. George Bernard Shaw

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
–William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
—Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

He is so boring you fall asleep halfway through her name. -- Alan Bennett

She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation. -- Jean Webster

Wagner's music is better than it sounds. -- Mark Twain

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one.”
–George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.”
–Winston Churchill’s response to George Bernard Shaw

He must have had a magnificent build before his stomach went in for a career of its own. -- Margaret Halsey

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
–Irvin S. Cobb

Abstract art? A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. -- Al Capp

“Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!”
–Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a dinner party
“Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!”
–Winston Churchill’s response to Lady Astor

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." —Robert Redford

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
—Forrest Tucker

"You, Mr. Wilkes, will die either of the pox or on the gallows."
–The Earl of Sandwich
"That depends, my lord, whether I embrace your mistress or your principles."
–John Wilkes's response to The Earl of Sandwich
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
—Winston Churchill

Always willing to lend a helping hand to the one above him. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald (about Ernest Hemingway)

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. -- Winston Churchill

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
—Moses Hadas

He is a fine friend. He stabs you in the front. -- Leonard Louis Levinson

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
—James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere. -- Mark Twain

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any one I know."
—Abraham Lincoln

I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. -- Steven Pearl

I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight. -- Mark Twain

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
–Paul Keating

That's not writing, that's typing. -- Truman Capote
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. -- Groucho Marx

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts — for support rather than illumination." —Andrew Lang

Did i go to college??

noreply@blogger.com (Witty Jester) — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 17:37:00 +0000

Don't you at times wish that your spouse be more compatible and understanding; well we have a antidote to your problems, presented here is a list of seminars where you can send you husband or wife to!!

SEMINARS FOR MALES

You, too, can do housework

PMS -- Learn when to keep your mouth shut.

How to fill an ice tray

We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas -- Give us money

Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4:00am

Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled "Don't wash my silks")

Parenting -- No, it doesn't end with conception

Spelling -- Even you can get it right
You -- The Weaker Sex
Reasons to give flowers

How to stay awake after sex

Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom

Garbage -- Getting it to the curb

You can fall asleep without "it" if you really try

How to put the toilet lid down

"The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms

Give me a break! Why we know your excuses are bullshit

The remote control -- Overcoming your dependency
Romanticism - Ideas other than sex

Mother-in-laws -- They are people, too
Male bonding -- Leaving your friends at home

Seeing the true you (formerly "No, you don't look like Mel Gibson, especially when naked!")
Changing your underwear -- It really works

The Attainable Goal -- Omitting "TITS" from your vocabulary

Techniques for calling home

SEMINARS FOR WOMEN

"Are you ready to leave?" -- Definition of the word "yes"

Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly "Honey, do I look fat?")

Elementary Map Reading

Advanced Math Seminar -- Program your VCR
You can go shopping for less then 4 hours

Gaining five pounds v. the end of the world: a study in contrast

The Seven-Outfit Week

PMS -- It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (was: It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty -- Deal With It)

Driving I: Getting past automatic transmission

Driving II: The meaning of blinking red lights

Driving III: Approximating a constant speed

Driving IV: Makeup and Driving--It's As Simple As Oil and Water

The Super Bowl: Not a Game--A Sacrament

Telephone Translations (was: "Me too" equals "I Love You")

Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup

Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry

We forget birthdays, you forget sports stats: LET'S LET IT DROP

Yes, You Can Buy Condoms

Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels

What Goes Around Comes Around--Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy

"To Honor and Obey:" Remembering the small print above "I Do"

Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House

Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man-child

Healing his Father Wound by Expressing the Latent Wild Man Within?

Never meant to be........

noreply@blogger.com (Witty Jester) — Sat, 01 Jan 2011 13:41:00 +0000

Some things in life are never meant to be, just like these books below which will never be written ;)

Can't Complain!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Witty Jester) — Thu, 30 Dec 2010 11:01:00 +0000

All things truly wicked start from an innocence.
Ernest Hemingway
How true...The holiday season is almost over but lets take a last whiff at it by indulging in a child's view on Santa and Jews!!!

The world as it is!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Witty Jester) — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 10:49:00 +0000

The blog completed its first anniversary :)

Almost all nationalities can be stereotyped, that is the beauty of living together with people,our behavior is highly influenced by the region we live in,no wonder the story below says the same :)

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule as to when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Englishmen are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the American woman talks continuously about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.

The two Japanese men, after apologizing profusely to each other, have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both "bloody wankers".

Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish men began by dividing the island into North and South and set up a distillery. After the first few litres of coconut whiskey they do not remember if sex is in the picture, but they are satisfied that at least the English are not getting any.

Meanwhile the French think they are all alone on the island and live blissfully,

What do you think Indians would have done on the islands.Oh and the Chinese.

No chance!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Witty Jester) — Mon, 27 Dec 2010 10:46:00 +0000

Would Noah be able to build the ark had he lived in present times?Lets see if he can...

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole Earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.

In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.

The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah," He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not meet the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.

Then I got into a fight with Ocean Security Headquarters over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices.

"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have sixteen carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

"When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

"Then the Army Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a map.

"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard.

"The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.

"I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational watercraft.'

"Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.

A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean You are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

Sarcasm!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Witty Jester) — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 18:52:00 +0000

Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. . Recently, she has made some statements about homosexuals that has caused the Canadian anti-hate laws to censure her, she allegedly quoted some passages from the bible admonishing homosexuality.An open letter was posted on the internet,which contains some of the best sarcasm I came across lately.Enjoy the letter.

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have
learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as
many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle,
for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be
an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however,
regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing
odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbours. They claim the
odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.
In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period
of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I
have tried asking, but most women take offence.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female,
provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims
that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I
own Canadians?

I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him?
Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination
(Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can
you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision
have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around
their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should
they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops
in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different
kinds of thread. (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme
a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the
whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to
death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their
in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can
help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

Martha

Reel or real???

noreply@blogger.com (Witty Jester) — Fri, 17 Dec 2010 07:51:00 +0000

From the archives

Things You Would Never have known, but for the Movies!!!

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill, just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

A cough indicates a terminal illness.

A credit card or a paper clip can pick any lock in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

A gang of highly-trained terrorists will always separate and search for an intruder making it easier to kill them off one-by-one.

A movie teenager always has a drainpipe next to his or her window that is specially reinforced to hold their weight.

An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur does no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

Any kid or dog can wonder through an artillery barrage without injury while half the outfit gets wiped out.

Assassins will always wait till the very last moment to assemble their complex sniper pistol that's the size of a rifle.

Bad guys kill their henchman for failing, yet never run out of loyal henchmen.

Characters shot with guns will fly backward, or upward and backward, through the air, the laws of physics not-withstanding.

Crashing cars always burst into flames.

Deranged killers only escape when a thunderstorm has knocked out all power and telephone lines.

Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw it away. You'll find another.

Having a job makes fathers forget their sons' birthdays.

High-class strippers with a heart of gold can operate heavy machinery.

Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down with days of their retirement.

If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just run a bath (even in the middle of the day) and then look in the bathroom mirror. There he is.

If a main character dies, his sweetheart back home will have a nightmare at that exact moment.

If a phone line is broken, the best way to restore communication is to frantically beat the cradle while yelling, "Hello? Hello?"

If a soldier tries to look up an old buddy who was transferred to different unit, the buddy will be dead or will die shortly there after.

If the person you are chasing has just taken the elevator down from the 20th floor, you can get to the street first by taking the stairs.

If you need to diffuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You always choose the right one.

If you're a woman who has just finished a steamy love-making session, you will pull the sheets up to your neck.

If you're ever caught up in a misunderstanding that could be quickly cleared up by a simple explanation, keep your mouth shut.

In all high school or college classrooms, the teacher or professor will always be interrupted in mid-sentence by the end-of-class bell.

In emergencies, anyone can fly a helicopter.

In the event of a car chase, two men will carry a large pane of glass through the streets for you to drive through.

Never assume that anyone is dead unless their death was spectacular.

No matter how dead you think you've killed a bad guy, he can still get up three more times. Therefore, leave his gun in his hand while you turn away to comfort the girl.

One man has a better chance of shooting twenty men than twenty men have of shooting one man.

Television news always features a story that affects you personally, at the precise moment you turn on the TV.

The first shot or burst of fire from a bad guy always misses and is there merely to announce that a fight has be-gun.

When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are the best weapons.

When they are alone, foreigners speak English to each other.

Whichever tree branch the hero has perched on, the villain will invariably pause under it.

Women are always too hysterical to do what the hero instructs. He has to help her/force her/knock her out.

Women make a noise at the precise moment the villain is close enough to hear.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need on

Make war not love!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Witty Jester) — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 14:35:00 +0000

Another post to show how uncompatible the two sexes are!!!!

An assignment was given to students to write a tandem story. The process was simple. Each person was supposed to pair up with a person of opposite sex. One of them will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

The Assignment

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

You total $*&.

Stupid %&#$!.

Don't ever say this to a police officer!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Witty Jester) — Sun, 12 Dec 2010 15:52:00 +0000

Well there are some things in life you should never try your hand at;and messing with the cops is one of them.Well to help you out, compiled here is a list of things never to say to cops if you are being pulled over for speeding.

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

I pay your salary!

Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

But This one actually worked

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought, and stepped on the gas. The needle hit 90, 100, 110, 130, and finally, 150 with the lights still behind him.

"What in the devil am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night", said the officer.

My last hope???

noreply@blogger.com (Witty Jester) — Sun, 05 Dec 2010 13:35:00 +0000

Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
Anton Chekov

Well personally i ain't fond of doctors either but they sometimes come in handy.Here is a compiled list as to what Doctor's usually say and what they actually mean.

"This should be taken care of right away."
"I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."

"Welllllll, what have we here..."
Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.

"We'll see."
"First I have to check my malpractice insurance."

"Let me check your medical history."
"I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
"I'm playing golf this afternoon,
-or-
"I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit."

"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
"I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."
Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt.
(Proctologist also say this alot.)

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
"Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that i can make sense of"

"Let me schedule you for some tests just outside my clinic"
"I have a 40% commission from that in the lab."

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
"He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune."

"How are we today?"
"I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell."

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
"I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea."

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
"I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
"I think I'm going to throw up."

"This may smart a little."
"Last week two patients bit through their tongues."

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
"I can't remember your name, nor why you are here."

"This should fix you up."
"The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms."

"Everything seems to be normal."
"I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."

"I'd like to run some more tests."
"I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."

"Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.

"Why don't you slip out of your things."
"I don't enjoy this any more than you do, but I've got to warm my fingers up somehow."
-or-
"I haven't had a good laugh all day."

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
"I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week."

"There is a lot of that going around."
"My God, thats the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this."

Witty Replies!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Witty Jester) — Tue, 30 Nov 2010 17:03:00 +0000

From the archives!!

Brevity is the soul of wit.
William Shakespeare

You couldn't agree any less with Mr. Shakespeare,once you have had a taste of these witty replies,carefully handpicked to make you swoon with delight.

To be insured or not to be

Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Diamonds are forever

It will be my wife's birthday tomorrow. When I asked her what she wanted, she said something with diamonds would be nice. I've bought her a packet of playing cards.

Life is like that

A young couple had been arguing about what new vehicle they would buy. He wanted a big truck, but she wanted a sports car.
After about an hour the woman had to leave, and said, "look, all I want is something that goes from 0 to 200 in less than four seconds. My birthday is coming up next week, buy something that will surprise me!"
A week later she opened her present, a new set of bathroom scales!
(The funeral will take place next Tuesday)

Believer

A man was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Temple every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up Alcohol."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
The Man looked up again and said,
"Never Mind. I found one."

Tragedy

The President Bush, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious George Bush asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Bush. "That's what we would call a great loss. " The room goes silent. No other children volunteered.
Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying George Bush were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy." Fantastic!" exclaims Bush, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!!!

Profession

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he's lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are near 42 degrees N. latitude and 58 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you've told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You've made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you're in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it's somehow my fault."

Acceptable excuse

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

Jerks

Unfortunately, as I have gotten older, I have become a little less sensitive. So, after trying my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, last weekend (a good find for many retirees), I lasted less than a day……
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, coyote ugly, nasty woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
The ugly, nasty woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?’
So I replied, ‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am. I just find it hard to believe you got laid twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’My 25 year old supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work…….. soooo maybe I’ll go fishing.

Tit for tat

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

Just like old times!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Witty Jester) — Thu, 25 Nov 2010 19:18:00 +0000

Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat.” Mark Twain

Not that I completely disagree with Mark Twain's view but nonetheless I am really fond of the legend of Noah and his ark.So I tried to tell his story from my perspective.