little words and long winds

You tell me

2011-12-20T11:59:00.001-06:00

I don't want to buy presents (except for the kids).
I don't want to do laundry, dishes, any domestic thing.
I do want to sleep, just lay in bed all day.
I don't have energy or desire, I want someone else to do it all.

I do spend most of my time driving all 3 kids (our 2 and the bonus 1)
I do go to the grocery store A LOT. These kids eat everything and like nothing of what I cook.
I feel like I can't do much of anything but wait for a child to need to be chauffeured or something done for them. (even those that aren't ours)

I don't get excited about starting a new crafty project anymore
I don't want to sort any of it and purge what I don't need or want
I don't have motivation for anything, but one thing that that is not an option (snicker).

I don't feel depressed, or sad (this does not include my separation from my love, I am always sad about that)
I feel greatly unappreciated and undervalued and not desired.
But no I don't feel depressed (believe me I know what that feels like!)

But again, I feel tired and just want to sleep or lay around.

Thoughts?

Another rollercoaster of a day(s)

2011-12-17T01:12:00.000-06:00

Well it's after midnight again and I am still up. Yesterday was horrible, any one who has teenagers that are willful and head strong and intelligent will know what I am talking about. One of them "went for a walk" because they did something that I did not like at all, and we argued. Could not find that one for an hour or so. The other two, one had a panic attack over lots of home work and his part in the disapproving thing the other one was a part of. The other disappeared to the basement and let the computer suck the life out him.

Today, better yet tonight, was just as crazy. The bonus son called me from work with a nose bleed, shortness of breath and dizziness. His work called the paramedics to check him out and other than breathing fast his blood pressure was fine when they got to him (it was high earlier when he called me). Work sent him home with me, he did not want to go to the hospital (no insurance). Fortunately he has the weekend off from work and I am going to make him rest and watch him closely.

Tomorrow, oops, this afternoon I have a funeral to go to. One of John's close friends and mentors. John is not here to go, so I am going for him (I would have gone with him if he was here). His friend was killed when shot by another man in a road rage. John's friend was NOT the one doing the raging. There are so many people, especially Bill's wife, that miss him dearly. God has another really good Marine if heaven right now.

Also, I saw my preliminary grade for my math class, a C. It's all I need to move on, now to wait for it to be an official C by Tuesday in the records. Finished a pair of knit leg warmers for my 5 year old niece for Christmas, working on pair two now. Those will be late by the way. Christmas Present Warning; any family getting presents from us, they will all be hand made again and of course they will be late, school just ended on this past Wednesday and it takes me time to be creative. I am not sure what you all are getting this season, but it will be simple, kitchky, silly and probably way too boring and cute. Just like always. Rhia plans on making cookies this year for presents too.

So, to recap. Teenagers are moody and a handful. Crafting and creativity takes time. Education is rewarding but takes work and time. Health is very important and having it is costly if you don't have health insurance. Tell your friends and family that you love them and appreciate them, you never know when some gun carrying 81 year old man from Kansas will shoot you or them dead while driving in Texas. When there is only one parent on premises, that one gets to pick up all the slack and pieces.

I am plugging away and so should you. Night all.

My married life

2011-12-13T12:02:00.000-06:00

You know, first and foremost I am glad he and I talk, take most things in stride, and trust each other with love and friendship.

Now, those of you who listen to me whine, cry, scream depressed at the moon and stress, thanks for putting up with me. For those that think I am just full of bull and am a baby, you could be right too. Make your own judgement, its all on you.

John was sent to St. Louis (home) to work for a week, maybe two, last Monday. The St. Louis area became too busy for the crew here to handle alone. So he's been working the streets picking up the slack. On Friday he was given an assignment in his territory (Fayetteville AR) for tomorrow and Friday and Saturday assigned to go help with a job in Kansas City. Well today while fixing a customer in west/central MO he got an emergency fix job back in his assigned area. So he just called me to tell me about this new work, the emergency, and he is off to his territory without anything he brought home for the week or two he was to be here. So off he goes, to SouthWest MO/NorthernWest AR, with his glasses,contact supplies, medicine, clothes, power cords for his phones and anything else that he would need.

I am not saying that we have a tough life, I am saying we have a very unpredictable one in regards to when we see him and under what circumstances. So now it is a fair bet that we will not see him until New Years. So we will have to hang onto the last 10 days of having him home while he worked as a wonderful surprise.

The kids hate it, and Alex the most. He is 14 and says he is a failure and that his daddy doesn't care about him. Rhia doesn't say much, she tries to hide what she feels. I know when she misses him the most because she tries to be the boss around here.

It's not fun, and the company announced another layoff. I am sure we will know by the end of the month if he is involved in some manner.

I have always said that the work he does and the miles he covers is like being married to an active duty military that gets sent out at the drop of a hat and usually with no notice, of like a fireman or police that drops everything and goes when that bell or phone rings. For his job, skills and love of his work, and that he likes to be busy with his work, is why. This is our lot.

Pray for the kids, they still don't understand and know how to deal with him coming and going like this.

2011-12-02T22:31:00.000-06:00

Just more of the same ole and then even more.

I did finish a pair of socks, a hat, almost another hat, and started on leg warmers for the niece for Christmas.

Stressing over finals to the point I am avoiding studying.

So same ole, same ole, and more.

I hate venting and finding negative, wish I looked on the bright side of life again.

What now

2011-11-21T13:05:00.000-06:00

What do you do when someone asks you to forgive them?

You love them more than anything but the pain is so great that you can't even see forgiveness right now. You know it could be there someday, but the wound is still too fresh and painful and stressful.

The love is still there and still growing, that has not stopped or halted, and yes it is greater today than yesterday.

Now there are others that have never said they were sorry for the pain they caused. They have said and done things so painful that it is easy to deal with it because you never see them again.

Then there are even more that ask for forgiveness but don't tell you what they have done exactly because they have been so secret about the damage they have done to you that you don't even see the trail leading back to them.

Forgiveness, what is it to ask for and give?

Accomplishments and set backs.

2011-10-18T08:15:00.001-05:00

I know that they are a fact of life and a daily happening. My accomplishments have been minor but my set backs have been huge, to me that is. I feel like the song lyric, one step forward and two steps back. I finished a knit hat for a friends baby, it's a crown. I finished two ear-flap hats that still need to have the mohawk part added to them for the DS and DD. I am still working on my pink lace socks. Now I am looking for knit or crochet patterns to make gloves for all 3 of the kids, I have some eco-wool I want to use. It is bulky and warm and will work up fast.

I still have all the things I took to Archon to sort and clean up from two weekends ago. Just don't have the time to resort and organize it because I need to clean and reorganize the basement to get everything back where I would like it. I still have patrol flags to make for the BS Troop. They need them by Thursday night, they go camping this weekend and need them for the events.

Now our finances are beyond bad. I have to go to the bank and see if they can help me, and I am getting phone calls from a financial institution for a family member that doesn't even live in the state. I am trying to be very calm about this all, but I don't know how much more I can handle. I owe my parents money from last year, our account is overdrafted two of the DH's paychecks worth, (that does not include the overdraft fees). And now I have to take the car into the shop this morning. Plus everything I have told you before what needs to be repaired around the house still needs to be repaired. The DH works all the time, whenever overtime is offered but this last month it just wasn't enough.

I did not get the time to study for midterms like I wish I did and I got a D on my last big math test and dropped my grade to a C. I don't have the results from the other classes yet. I also did not get my intern paperwork in on time so I may not be able to do my internship next semester like I need to. If I can't get pushed into an internship someplace when all my paperwork gets back to me it will put my graduation off by a semester.

You know when I was young I expected that by the time I was this old I would have everything under control and life would be fun and smooth. I always thought that was what it should be, like my parents and grandparents. I guess they were real good at keeping reality from me. That was not fair, so here I am almost 51, in college like a 20 something, in debt and over extended with bank fees, and a disappointment to my children and parents. Just a regular day in my life.

2011-10-08T21:03:00.000-05:00

Having a hard time today. John's birthday and we are not together to celebrate, a very close friends memorial service, teenagers and their attitudes, a messy home, lots of tlc and repair needed on the house, lots of school work and no motivation to deal with any of it.

2011-09-24T19:26:00.000-05:00

When I started blogging I wanted to make this page something that I could share happy things, pictures, my creative writing, my craft projects, etc. I wanted it to be a happy place. Well I have been able to do is post the crap, the things that are wrong and make me sad. So I appologize, I hope someday I can put up happy things again.

I am trying to work on my school work right now. But it's not working very well. I have 3 discussion topics to answer, 3 to respond to, a reflection journal to write, a lesson paper and lesson to prepare to teach to my piers, books to read, chapters to read.........

I am finding it very hard to focus.

Last Sunday a dear friend of mine passed away in her sleep. She had sleep-apnea and was disabled and on disability. She went to take a nap and did not wake up. Her 14 year old son is the one that found her. When I found out I was in such disbelief that I called her cell phone to see if she would answer. Her family has no money for a funeral but another friend of her's has talked to her church and her minister is going to donate herself and the church so we can have a memorial for Annette sometime in October. Yes I have already offered my help.

By Thursday one of the daughters friends was told by his grandmother he had to move out by Sunday. Moving in with his mom is not an option, that is why he moved in with his grand. He broke down and asked John and I if he could move in here till high school is done (he's a senior). We were not going to offer, he had to ask and no we do not have a problem with it. He works part time, goes to school at the High School and Tech School and is in night school two nights a week so he can graduate as a senior on time. He is a good kid and has had a rough childhood, he has experienced more than most adults could handle. So...

I have a convention to get ready for, which I am not ready for.
I put the socks down again and am working on a present for friends.
I would like to get a costume sewn for next weekend too.

The son and daughter have been very uncooperative lately and always whining and talking back.
I got upset (felt sorry for myself) this afternoon when I got an email from a friend that she is probably moving to Hawaii for a job. I am VERY happy for her, it has been one of her dreams to get a job in the media field (tv, movies, etc....) and I am very happy for her.

So here I am feeling sorry for myself, with lots to do still.

sleeping dreams

2011-09-15T10:55:00.000-05:00

I had the weirdest dream this morning. Any honest interpretations are welcome.

Here we go:

I dreamed I was at a new house that John and I had bought from friends because we wanted the extra room. Now the house was not new, it was old, older than mine now and probably built in the 1920's. I never saw the outside but I knew it was the street look I wanted, large porch, Victorian turret on one corner on the second floor, etc. The kids were still living with us and John must have been at work or still living elsewhere due to transfer because he physically was not there. But we had the money to fix the house, barely, and live in the other until it was done. At least that was our plan.

Well I heard noise outside and went out to investigate and found a young boy and a toddler in the back yard. They were living on a mat in the garage. The little boy was probably about 9 and he was hung over. He said his mother forced him to drink whenever her drug/alcohol friends were over so she could get money from her friends to buy drugs. He said her friends gave her money for every drink he took. When he saw someone put drugs in his little brothers bottle he waited till they were all passed out and took his little brother and ran away. He found my garage and thought the place was empty and he would be safe there.

I called the police and they came out and were very nice to both the boys. I cleaned them both up but I did not have a diaper for the baby. He pooped (not runny baby poop) everywhere. It was like he was a wild animal and crawled and left a trail of poop. it was so funny!. But while I was on the phone with the police department the dispatch woman said "we know your address. we'll send an office right over with family services." I told her that we were at the new place we just bought from friends on a private sale so they needed to be routed to the new address, even though we still had the other place and were keeping it until the new one was cleaned up and fixed up for us to live in. She looked up the address and told me that she was going to tell me what was on the records for the new address.

It seems the new place was sited for improper homeowner constructions, no permits. And that the inspection of the property had come up with a number of problems that had to be fixed before an occupancy permit would be issued. AND that it was on the cities open auction list for the next auction in 30 days. Seems the previous owners ( my friends ) had not been paying their taxes or their sewer bills and there was a lean against the property. That's what I get for trusting friends to tell me the truth is what I told her.

While on the phone I again hear noises and looked out into the backyard. The Yard is full of kids that I don't know. When I asked them to leave they said sorry, they thought the house was empty and no one lived there. Some of them ran away scared and others just quietly apologized and walked off. The whole time I am talking to dispatch at the police station. Oh, and the phone keeps coming unplugged, whether it is the corded phone or the cordless. I keep having to plug it back in, or Rhia does. I have Alex looking for something to put the toddler/baby in.

So, I have found two abused children hiding in my garage, found out my friends lied to me to sell me my dream home, found out my dream had a huge chance of being taken away from me, found 25 to 30 kids hanging out in my backyard, my own kids fought me constantly about everything, and what ever happened I was doing it all alone.

I almost forgot. At one point (I had my two dogs and cat with me already) someone was knocking at the door, I opened it and a dog jumped through the scream in the outside door! It was my nephews dog ( not the dog he has now), but no nephew. In my dream for this dog to find me he came to someplace he never had been before and traveled about 8 miles to find us. I called my sister in my dream and she told me the dog ran away and they were not going to deal with him anymore and I could keep him but they did not want him back.

Throughout all of this I remember I kept thinking I still had to go to school that night and present to the class.

Some restful sleep. NOT

Always remember

2011-09-11T23:41:00.001-05:00

Ten years ago on this date some not nice people hurt our country. I don't care what religion or from where they came from. They did us harm and we are scarred and hurt still. We don't need to let the memory go, but we do need to know how to deal with it.

We also need to remember that it was not a religion as a whole nor an ethnic background as a whole that did this.

I worry about our countries safety, my children's and my husbands. I worry about keeping my marriage intact and teaching my children how to cope. I worry about getting my homework done and passing college, I worry about getting a job and if I am following the path I should be following. I worry about my and my families safety. I don't worry about where I will go when it is my time though.

Yes remember that there were some very not nice people that hated the United States of America so much that they did some horrible things 10 years ago and took loved ones from their families.

Remember to love your family and friends with all your heart and soul and to remember those that have gone before us. Only then can we begin to sooth our wounds and live.

Small venting update

2011-09-11T23:15:00.000-05:00

This week has been crazy, the past month has been the same, also the last 18 months. I am behind on my schoolwork already. The kids only have me (no John I am not making a stab at you) to shuttle them, remind them to do their work and chores, to do what ever is needed. I have some bonus kids that need help sometimes too, so...... This last week I was sick since about Wednesday and just felt better today, well enough to be up till who knows when to get my work done. That is in between laundry loads and herding cats. John's StepMom was in the Er this week, scaring us all. John is telling me his truck isn't driving right, Rhia is fighting me about everything, Alex isn't any better. I don't have my schedule for Archon turned in and it needed to be in last week. An Uncle was in the ICU and thank God he is home and doing well as far as I know. I try and shut it all out but it just doesn't work on most days. I just keep going. Like Dori said, "just keep on swimming."

Pictures

2011-08-16T13:57:00.000-05:00

Alex at camp

Alex and Rhia on family night.

Grandma and Grandpa at Family night at camp

Order of the Arrow Call Out (Tap Out) ceremony. Alex was inducted into O.A. this night. I was so proud.

Sorry about the quality, I was so excited to get there I forgot my camera and only had my phone.

Paying the US bills

2011-07-31T01:01:00.000-05:00

I found this article via another friends blog. I think everyone should read it.

Before this article is read I would like to say I am not condemning or promoting any political point of view or party. I don't like paying higher prices or taxes to anyone, but have we all forgotten that the only way our government has to make money is by it's population and taxes? And the only way to trim the fat from a budget is to sell off some things or stop using some things. Just like at home you have to have a job to make money, you have a yard sale to get rid of extra things and you cut back on the cable or eating out to save some money.

Politicians need to shut up and stop saying they know what we want, they don't, they don't listen to the majority of us. Why don't they all go one month without a salary? So many companies require their management to take a one week a year non paid vacation, why not our politicians do the same for a month.

Make them see at their income level what it's like to live on ramen and egg sandwiches for weeks and that late night snack is a couple of carrot sticks and a glass of water.

I am so tired of everyone blaming someone else for the messes they are in. That goes for our government. Stop pointing fingers and admit that there is a problem, with out blaming anyone and shut the F! up and trim the fat.

Not from our education, not from our military and not from our health and well being. This country is your home and you can't pay for everything on your income and borrowing more is out of the question. What would you do?

July's end 2011

2011-07-30T18:02:00.000-05:00

Okay, this includes more than July and no pictures, for now....

It's been more than a month since I blogged anything here. On Facebook I haven't really updated much either. I think I was tired, tired of talking of explaining of informing. I felt that nothing but negative had come from me and I still do not have a largely positive scope of what is going on around me. I just don't believe there is anyone interested in the boring things I have to say and have been doing. But now it's all bottled up in me and you are going to get an earful. Ready?

May 2010 the husband started working in Omaha, NE. The end of June 2010 his transfer was official to Omaha, NE and the end of July 2010 we moved him into his apartment. Emotionally this was one of the hardest times in my life in the last 20 years of my 50 years. Trying to explain to those around me and in my and his family, 'yes we are still married, no we are not separating or divorcing, yes it is just for work, .........' It is exhausting. There are still those that over the last 16 months still don't believe me and I know that there is one person that I believe is hoping I am lying and that he has left me/us and is moving on without us.

Now he is being transferred to Fayetteville, AR. Yep, he is moving again. It is either that or he had a 90% chance of being laid off. Well, even though it has been not only an emotional stress but a financial one too. I really can not try to explain. Unless someone has experienced a life like this I can't explain, you just would not understand.

The great thing about this transfer is he keeps his job (very important), he can continue to care for us financially the way he feels he needs to and his new location is 100 miles closer to us. I still have people ask why did he not move us? Why did I not just insist and pick up and go? Why? Why? Why? I can only explain with logic and what we decided because of both of our pasts.

John knew that a layoff and/or a transfer was in his future by this time. The company he works for has let go so many technicians over the last 10 years that they are spread out and working thin all over the US. Not my idea of a business model, but I ain't the boss. He has been with the company for 18 years and has an excellent feel for what could happen. He did not want to drag us someplace that really felt temporary to him. We also made a promise to ourselves when we had children that unless it was absolutely necessary we would not move put our kids through what we went through. Neither of us have friends from when we were little and only I have just a couple of really great friends from High School. We wanted out kids to have the chance to have friends from birth to the end of High School. We want them to have that chance. No, moving when I was young and John did not make us defective people. We dealt with it and survived quite well. We chose to make a commitment to give our children stability that we did not have. What confused me was the promise I made to John when we married about how I would follow him where ever he went for work. But that promise was before children and if you don't realize it or believe it, having children changes the entire game plan. They need to come first and in my mind, if you don't put your kids first, you should not be allowed to have them in your life.

See I am still kafetching about the transfer. Even after 3 months of counseling I am still crabbing, crabbing less, but yes still crabbing. See why I haven't written lately? I can't let it go.

Here is the normal nutshell synopsis since June;
Kids had an extra week of school in June due to all our snow days. Rhia had 3 classes to retake during summer school, she passed all three. Alex went to two Boy Scout camps this summer and was Called Out for Order of the Arrow, I am so proud of both of them. I took one summer class and it is over this Monday. Alex has been playing computer games when not at camp (I try to find other things for him to do but I am not sure it is worth the fight on most days), Rhia has been spending a lot of time with her friends (Alex doesn't have any that like to hang out) and they both have been running me ragged on taking them places and doing things for them. We have had our fights (normal). I have only finished one knit project, I am still working on the one pair of lace socks I started over 6 months ago. The house is still full of stuff, the kitchen floor still needs replacing, along with the bathroom walls and floor. It has been so hot, just like the rest of the nation, that the outside of the house is not neatly kept like I like to keep it. My motivation level and bank account has not allowed me to get these things done. I don't like it and just one more thing for me to feel a failure about.

The kids and I have gone to Six Flags a couple of times. Alex helped me with my final project, an ABC book using my own creativity. Rhiannon since she finished her school before me has been trying to help here at home by doing dishes. Like I said earlier they both keep me going and going by taking them places. I have been trying to teach Rhia how to drive, she has so much anxiety and fear over it, but she keeps trying and I am proud of her for that.

The recent past has been challenging, demanding and often seemed it would never get better. Those challenges are still there, I don't know if we have gotten used to them or are dealing with them better. Now we now have new challenges coming up, both kids will be in High School starting August 11 and when and how do we help John move to Fayetteville? Oh and I have to retake a math class that I did not pass in the spring semester.

So right now Alex is bugging me to take him out to dinner since he just got home from camp today, so thanks for sticking around and talk to you later.

Well now,

2011-06-13T23:48:00.001-05:00

This is a quick one.

I tell the son I need his help with the laundry so he can take all of his clean clothes to his room at the same time.
Again I ask him to help. His answer, 'I don't want to' and walked away.

Socratic question for Monday May 23, 2011

2011-05-23T11:35:00.000-05:00

Socratic question for Monday May 23, 2011:

Now that the predicted Rapture has (once again) come and gone, how do you truthfully - TRUTHFULLY - feel about your life and your choices on how you have lived it so far?

Ask this of yourself not in a sad way, but a happy way, and while you ask it consider and be open to positive responses to yourself.

Do not feel obligated to post it here or respond to me. You can tell someone or not in your own manner or you can keep it strictly to yourself in your head or in a journal.

I believe a Socratic question is for your knowledge and reflection only to help you know you and your world better and it is your choice to share it if you wish.

I am not going to go

2011-03-16T17:52:00.000-05:00

This week both kids have conferences but I am going to be a bad mom. I am not going to go.

No I am not going to go. I am tired of sitting in front of their teachers and feeling like a failure because my kids don't care to do well enough in school to get passing grades. Neither of them are stupid by any means and I bet if they were given IQ tests they would test very above average. I don't know what to do about their interest in school. I have tried grounding, taking away and then giving back as they do better, only to have them go back to not caring.

They have always been like this even before John moved. I really don't know what to do, it has been an ongoing battle for years. They watch me try hard and study and do my school work but I guess teaching by example doesn't work on them. I am so completely frustrated.

Money for thought

2011-03-13T22:56:00.000-05:00

Money for thought

I was halfway listening to something on T.V. tonight. I think it was on one of the Discovery Channels. What I did catch was that as a country we spend more per prisoner in our incarceration system than we do per student in K-12.

Do you think that if we reversed that spending policy we would lower our prison population? Just a thought.

Here are just three pages on the internet that I found really fast. Do your own research, I would love for someone to prove this information wrong.

In 2006, $68,747,203,000 was spent on corrections.^[58] "The average annual operating cost per state inmate in 2001 was $22,650, or $62.05 per day; among facilities operated by the Federal Bureau of Prisons, it was $22,632 per inmate, or $62.01 per day."^[59]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incarceration_in_the_United_States

According to a 2007 article in The Washington Post, the Washington D.C. public school district spends $12,979 per student per year.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Education_in_the_United_States

http://nces.ed.gov/fastfacts/display.asp?id=66

Another Groundhog day

2011-03-10T16:12:00.000-06:00

I am sure you are all tired of my rants and depressive attitude. Especially my husband and kids. Well, sorry, I really am. On so many occasions (okay 90% of the time) I do not hear myself as being depressed and complaining. It was how I am and probably how I was taught to be, either that or it is genetic.

I get so disappointed when things in my life don't go the way I feel they should, so instead of seeing the brighter side I complain and crab. It's me. It's just me.

School is so full of work, I can't count how many assignments due tomorrow. I am doing my ovbservations at Succeed to Read in Pagedale. It is pretty nice, they meet two nights a week and the kids break up into small class groups and it is a good one on one representation.

So off to observations with me.
And yes, almost everyday seems like the movie groundhog day. Somehow I hope to find comfort in that with all the other things I don't have time to write about are going on in the background and I have absolutely no control of.

Mom, Mimi you will get the pictures of the kids

2011-03-09T18:05:00.001-06:00

Three Stages Of Reading And Writing

View more presentations from CathyTaylor143

For women and others that are interested in TMI

2011-02-25T17:59:00.001-06:00

Yes not for those that don't want TMI.

I have been 50 for a week now, and still don't feel any different. Except for apparently my warranty ran out on 2/18. The OB told me last month that after I turned my particular age that I would need to not only do the regular mammogram, but a bone density scan and a colonoscopy (did I spell it right? spell check won't tell me :)

This past Monday I went for the Mam and Bone Scan and today was the other thing. The actual testing wasn't bad at all, you get knock out drugs in an I.V. and you don't know anything, unless you have a high tolerance to pain meds and wake up early. Yes that is me. I remember the end of the procedure and the feeling of what was going on, but no pain. Told you not to read if you did not want TMI!

The worst part was the laxative you have to take the day before. Here is my advice to anyone that will take MediProv or anything like it.

wear sweet pants
be prepaired to have to change those pants
have two bathrooms in your home (we have one)
be amazed at how well the MediProv works!
Be prepared for the pictures they send you home with.

Everything is fine. My insides all around look good, no worries. Good news.

Other than that it is all fine. It's weird but fine, the whole procedure. Now I did not describe the other two. The Mam everyone is familiar with because of the jokes, so no extra descriptions needed. The Bone Scan is unbelievably easy, you lay down in what is probably an MRI machine, you lay still with your arms up over your head and then you get shuttled under the scan, it takes it pictures of your spine and tada! Done. all about 15 minutes total.

So there you go.

Now the DD goes to the surgeon on Monday to see if she will need surgery to remove her pilonital cyst. Can you say "Next" in the medical que?

The DS is medically fine, but they both need to buck up and get busy in school. I would like to see my kids pass and get diploma's. That goes for the local DN too.

On to less TMI.

I would like to make a decision on what I want to knit now. I have fingerless gloves that are almost finished. The hang out in my purse and I work on them for busy work while I am waiting for whatever. I have a big yarn sweater sitting next to me right now that I have already frogged and started over. If I am going to wear this one before it warms up I need to finish it. I have some really beautiful red yarn that I so want to make socks out of, but what pattern? There are so many to choose from!

We are still and always missing the DH and Father. And we still have it easier than most people living apart due to jobs. We still Skype almost every night. I have friends with children and spouses in the military that don't even get to do that. I ran into a woman on Wednesday that here husband lost his job about 8 months ago and he is working a contract job and had to move away from STL and his family because of it. Since it is a contract job they are living separate like our family is. She said he is looking for a job anywhere and everywhere so they can all live together again. They have little ones, pre elementary age so it is much harder for her I can imagine. She was telling me that there are a lot of families living with our situation right now that she knows of.

Well that's about it for now. I have family dinner to go too, homework, online test, a couple of lesson plans to write for classes, and an online journal entry to write.

today I am 50

2011-02-18T18:24:00.000-06:00

Yes, today I am 50. I don't feel 50 and I don't think I look 50. So what is 50? I still have all the problems and hangups I did yesterday when I was 49. I am still making my loving husband crazy with my depression and angst about him moving for work and us staying here. I am still in school worrying about getting through it and doing well.

What is it to turn another day older? When you were little and had a birthday it was like the light of all that is good was shining all over you and all your problems from yesterday were erased, at least for that day.

Am I more depressed because I am 50 and have done very little of what I set out to do so many years ago? Or is it because at this point in life that is all there is to feel?

What I was hoping would happen, other than the normal wishes - no debt, loads of money in the bank, provide for my children's future education and living, set a good example on how to overcome what gets you down, get my writing published, all the dreams I had 30 years ago before either husband and kids, (there are more too but you would get bored reading the list), so next is the list of wishes for now. Stop being so depressed about everything! Stop stressing over what I can not control, do good in college and continue to try and set an example for my kids. Keep loving John no matter where he lives and pray this living apart thing works out. Try and pick up some of those old dreams that are still viable and work on them - No, just get a set of new ones. Worrying about the old ones is part of my problems. Again, stop being a depressed panty waste and be a big girl. I am too old to let my past keep me down. I am tired of feeling powerless, abandoned, left behind and letting my fear and depression get the best of me. As a friend says, shut up and pull up your big girl panties!

So we will see how this goes.

So what is it to turn 50? Is my life over and on the down hill slide and I have wasted all my good years and energy?

When you have an epiphany

2011-02-11T16:38:00.000-06:00

When you have an epiphany you expect it to be about something good and not about something self revealing. Well I realized today that since I was afraid I would be forgot on my birthday and I would not get a party so I organized my own, I AM JUST LIKE MY MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!

I think I will cry now.

I love you Mom, so much.

flowers from Mom and Dad's 50th Anniversary

A few things to remember

2011-02-10T22:36:00.000-06:00

If you make a request to your higher power, expect that request to be filled but just not on your terms.
If you have children, you have no life till they are grown and moved out.
If you have a dream and want to see it through, don't expect the road to be paved and smooth. Expect the path to be like the pothole littered roads of St. Louis.
If you love someone more than you ever thought you could, be ready to let them go when they need to leave and hope they come back to you better and stronger and still loving you.
If you want something so bad you can taste it, you better be patient, the flavor will be better after some time has passed.
If you set a good example for others, do not expect them to know what you are doing until after they screw up.
Do expect to feel that everything in your life has gone to hell in a hand basket,
but DO NOT let it stop you from pulling yourself up and keep fighting, no matter how angry or depressed you may feel.
Do expect more bright days than dark, but only if you do not dwell on the dark ones.

Picture updates

2011-02-05T17:25:00.000-06:00

Here are some pictures that I would like to share.

January 20, 2011


January 20, 2011 - Really?! You want me to do what in this?


January 20, 2011 the back porch reading.

January 30, 2011 at around 5:30am

February 3, 2011. Ice in the trees.


February 5, 2011 The girls napping after breakfast

February 5, 2011. Our Pine tree dressed in today's snow fall.


February 5, 2011. Our Pine tree dressed in today's snow fall.