And no, we’re not talking about THE “facts of life.” But, these are facts you do need to know in life! Even though you may have been dating for “umpteen” months or married for a few silver anniversaries, we all need relationship reminders. I think that hidden deep, deep down beneath the commercialism of Valentine’s Day is a message of taking time to celebrate those we love in our lives. But like I said, that’s deep, deep down there at this point!

Relationships are the stuff dreams are made of.

It’s hard to open any book that’s been printed (yes, even in the Bible) without seeing stories of love. Even crime shows on TV have love triangles between the police officers. And from the time we’re kids, we’re playing and acting out stories of love (I hope my brother won’t kill me for sharing that his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles rescued Barbie and Ken from all kinds of evil forces that threatened their happy home-it’s not just a girl thing).

So if we all crave satisfying relationships, why are they so hard to create?

If you’re reading this post, then you obviously value love and relationships (otherwise, you wouldn’t waste your time or your click on this link). But deeper than that, you want to know how to improve your relationship and how to make it even better than it is.

Here are seven dirty little secrets the Huxtables and the Monarchy know that you may not know…

1.  Even after years together, hearing “No” from your partner still stings. Remember how you used to rack your brain to find delicate ways to get your point across when you first met? Don’t forget that now. Not ever! Just like the early stages of a relationship, partners often hide the sting from us and we don’t realize it. That hidden sting can turn into an “emotional cancer” cell, that grows and spreads over time. One day, you may find your partner suddenly exploding at you out of nowhere. You may find a gap between you that’s grown to a fault line. You can still say, “No!” But just remember to share it with care.

2. “Connecting” means one thing to men and another to women. Both are essential. Generally speaking, men crave sex more and women crave talking more. It’s how the two sexes connect. When we as women need connection and reassurance, we want to talk about it. Then, we are more likely to feel the urge to do the deed. Men, on the other hand, need sex to feel that reassurance. It’s often easier for them talk afterwords because they feel reassured. Turning them down repeatedly leads to violating dirty little secret #1.

3. Getting engaged or married doesn’t automatically equal eternal security.  While dating, we often worry they don’t really love us, they may be drawn to someone else, or a whole host of other things. “If only he’d propose, then I’d know he really cared about me.” Worry doesn’t end with “I do.” Once married, when we feel like we can take a sigh of relief and feel secure in our relationship, we still find things to worry about. Sadly, worry can become a “self-fulfilling prophecy.” The secret to getting rid of this worry is feeling confident in who you are. Confidence has often been reported as a top quality that men are attracted to in women.

4. Love’s roller coaster doesn’t end at the alter. Just because a bump in the road comes along, it doesn’t mean that you’re growing apart or that you’ve fallen out of love. Those bumps are “opportunities”- opportunities to connect or opportunities to pull apart and lose trust with each other. Just like babies act fussy when they are teething, relationships also have very predictable times of distress and growing pains. How you handle those bumps determines the future tone of the relationship. If you navigate through them, both of you will trust that you can navigate through those rough waters again.

5. Conflict and Confrontation are not bad “C” words. We often picture a confrontation scene with raised voices (or maybe even a smashed vase). “Confrontation” in healthy relationships is really a very common, very mild thing. Confrontation is really about bringing up a topic of concern. Something as simple as reaching over and putting your hand on their knee to help them pause and wind down is considered confrontation. With practice, confrontation becomes part of conversation, “Can you please try to (fill in the blank)?” See? Confrontation!

Like confrontation, conflict doesn’t mean you have a bad relationship. Just because I hear that a couple never disagrees, I don’t automatically think, “Gee, they have a great relationship.” Lack of conflict in a relationship can be a very bad thing. It often indicates that someone isn’t sharing. They’re holding back their feelings just to keep from having a situation. Research has shown that how you handle the conflict in a relationship is the key to a successful relationship.

6. Context gives understanding.  It’s impossible to not communicate something. Even silence and ignoring send a message. But because we’re human, we often misinterpret just what that message is from our partner. Maybe we’re taking their silence as “not caring.” When in reality, it means they’re nervous or scared or need more information. When we have that extra information, instead of stomping off and muttering under our breath and feeling like we have to do everything, we now know they need a connecting conversation (See? It’s not always sex they need when we know what to look for). Knowing the context changes everything- how we view their needs, how we view the situation and how we handle what’s at hand.

7. Create your own rules. For some reason, there’s an imaginary progression. If you’re dating, people ask when you’re getting engaged. When you’re married, they ask when you’re having kids. We think that dating couples have more dates (and sex) than married couples. The reality is, the most successful couples have created their own expectations for what worked and what fit their  relationship. Instead of following everyone else’s standards, they did what they needed. Barbie and Ken may be the only couple in the history of the world who’s had 1,752 marriage ceremonies and not a single divorce or separation! But yet, as kids, we didn’t question that. We played and did what we wanted! Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip are certainly not equals. She outranks him 10 ways to Sunday. But they’ve made it work because she’s been valiant at creating new rules where none have existed before.

So where do you want to start?

Pick one dirty little secret to put into action over the next week. Even if your significant other hasn’t read this post, you can still try one out and see what happens. You’ll find it hard to keep these secrets all to yourself! SHHH!

“I don’t have money to join a gym, so I can’t lose weight.”

“I work a lot. I don’t have time to learn how to (Insert goal/skill here) now, but someday….”

“I’ve tried everything, but my kids still won’t listen to me.  I’m just a terrible mother.”

“I barely graduated from high school. There’s no way I can earn a college degree.”

Do you see what I see? Excuses. Ouch! I know that’s tough to hear. But the biggest excuse that often lies underneath is: FEAR.

Fear and excuses go hand in hand. Sometimes we’re afraid of failure, but sometimes, we’re afraid of success. What would we do if we actually were successful? Would it be all it’s cracked up to be? Will we be as happy as think once we get there? But at the bottom of every excuse is some type of FEAR.

Excuse #1: I Don’t Understand

After years of hearing how hard math could be, I timidly stepped into my pre-algebra class expecting the worst. I was quite comfortable adding and subtracting, even multiplying and dividing. But adding and subtracting letters and numbers at the same time? Only Albert Einstein could possibly tackle that kind of feat. But with the help of a fantastic teacher, I was soon adding apples to apples and keeping my oranges with my oranges with ease! Now, I find math problems to actually be soothing! Knowledge takes away fear.

Excuse #2: I Don’t Have the Experience

Were you terrified to hit the gas the first time you got behind the wheel of a car? I was. And since I had fear flashing across my mind like a blinking light, my nerves took over and my foot crashed into the pedal. I screamed when the car lunged forward. So I slammed on brakes (resulting in whiplash). The thing I had been looking forward to doing for so long soon became a source of panic in 3 seconds. But once I understood that pressing harder on the pedal made the car go faster, the fear soon subsided and I learned to gently press the accelerator. Experience takes away fear.

Excuse #3: I Don’t Think It’s Possible

When the training wheels finally came off, it felt like a step towards adulthood. No more “kiddy” bike for me. I sat on the seat and was poised for a graceful ride around the backyard, only to find myself tumbling headfirst into the azalea bushes over and over again. Begging my father to reattach the training wheels got me no where either. Instead, he shared the key that not thinking about the fact that the training wheels were off (along with keeping my hands on the handle bars instead of letting go as the bushes approached) would keep me from landing face up. Sure enough he was right! Confidence takes away fear.

Excuse #4: But I Might Mess Up

For generations, the women in my family could sew- clothes, curtain, costumes, doll clothes, you name it. So when the time came for me to learn, my mom set up the sewing machine, showed me how to how to go forward and backward and walked off, leaving me to discover the joys of being a seamstress. Within seconds, the cloth snagged. I carefully cut the headband out of the needle and bobbin and started ripping out the seams. But when I went to start over, the needle was gone. I looked on the floor. I checked the fabric. I looked at the mess in my hands and knew I’d never wear it in my hair. And then I went to tell my mom the needle was lodged in the motor.  But after that, I knew it was all uphill from there, and now there’s something handmade in every room of the house. Failure itself takes away fear.

So take a moment and write down your excuses, ahem, I mean fears. Then think of times in your life when you’ve done things that you didn’t think you could do (yes, childhood victories certainly count). And then stand back while you conquer the world, one excuse at a time!

When my cousin leaned over and said, “Hmm. Smell that! Does our ice cream smell funny to you?” Bad ice cream? I leaned over and SPLAT! My cousin pushed my face in the ice cream in a flash! I giggled and wiped my face off, excited to share the fun with my grandfather as he sat down.

“Pa, Pa! You’ll never believe it!” And as I told the story to my grandfather, without realizing it, I started acting it out and bent down. SPLAT! She did it again! This time, I wasn’t laughing quite as hard. But for the rest of the trip, I thought twice before following my cousin’s requests.

Sadly, most trust issues don’t stem from incidents as simple and innocent as my ice cream experience. From being abandoned to cheating in relationships, unfortunately life sometimes deals us a hand that we never saw coming.  And even in situations where we want to be able to trust someone again, we’re just not sure how to do it.

If we were to put trust into a mathematical formula, it would look something like this:

When we think about trust, one thing we want (and need) to see is something different, AKA  a “change in behavior.” So if we’ve been lied to, then we’ll need to see and hear the truth, even blunt honest truth, in order for us to believe them. If someone has kept secrets from us, we’ll need to see more open and honest communication and actions. No flinching every time the phone chimes with a text or incoming call.

Time is another big item on our trust list. It’s one thing for someone to do the right things for a week, but it’s another for them to do the right thing for a few months. This change has to start somewhere, so it’s helpful to recognize and celebrate the small achievements along the way. But the only way for trust to truly form is when it continues over time consistently.

To help keep things on the right track when building trust back in a relationship, try these tips:

1. Show consistency with your words and actions. It’s confusing for both sides when sometimes things are OK, but in other situations, things slide. If you need to amend the “rules” that’s OK, but just make sure to point out the reasons and differences so everyone understands.

2.  Be firm but kind.  When addressing situations that are questionable, being firm shows respect for yourself. Being kind shows respect for the other person.  It allows the conversation to actually get somewhere instead of going around in circles.

3.  Develop a routine for reflecting and talking.  It’s important to reflect and point out what’s working and what may need some tweaking. Having a routine for this makes it less awful and painful, and opens the way for better conversations that really make progress. A routine can be bringing things up when they occur, checking in every day before bed, or during a weekly set time.

4. Seek outside help if you need it. In some situations, you may need an outside opinion or help from people such as counselors, mediators, pastors or others in positions to give such assistance. Try to avoid sharing the dirty laundry with family and friends in such a way that gives them permission to get involved, make judgments, or add to the severity of the situation. Sometimes they may need to know things, but not everything. Share with caution.

5. Listen to your gut. Our gut instincts are often right. But sometimes our thoughts (head) and our feelings (heart) can make it difficult to know if it’s a gut talking or a heart. Try to decipher where the worry is coming from.