Also – something in my email has been spamming everyone I’ve ever emailed, and in response, my ex emailed me with question marks yesterday, and I didn’t know whether to respond or not since a few months ago he messaged me on facebook asking to catch up and I never replied. This ex was probably the best long distance relationship I’d ever had, until I realized I wasn’t into it anymore and broke up with him. As far as I knew, he shortly got into a long term relationship with another girl, and she was cute, but not as cute as me I don’t know if they’re still together, but I did reply to his email yesterday and we’ve been exchanging emails catching up ever since.

Weirdly enough, I’ve been enjoying it. The last time we talked properly was 5 years ago (god, I feel old!). I’m not interested in him, but I know he’s a good guy and it’s nice to be on better terms again.

{humming}…all the single ladies, all the single ladies…

Even though I know he isn’t long term boyfriend material, I just wanted him to want me enough to come up for one weekend and then leave again – is that really so much to ask? And now I just feel disappointed that he doesn’t seem to want to, especially since he was making it sound like he’d be the only one that didn’t have anywhere to stay – even tho I’d explicitly told him he could stay with me and so can his housemates! WTF.

Why is it so difficult to find someone I like and am attracted to and oh, I dunno, wants me too?

I hate dating. At least, I hate the dating experience I’ve had so far, which hasn’t been fun since most of the time I feel like I’m just not interested. Maybe it’s the guys, and I haven’t found any that I like, or maybe I just can’t be bothered. I don’t know.

Either way, I haven’t heard from Scott or whatever the hell I called him, either.

Eff boys. I hate them.

(But I still wish I had one of my own. Ugh.)

I was really disappointed because I could tell he was a sharp guy and would do well in our business, and was also looking forward to personally training and mentoring him through the program, so I asked why he chose them over us, and he said, “Because I’m way too attracted to you.” I was like “Wait, are you serious, or are you kidding?” and he meant it! He said that he felt he would have been too distracted by me if I were the one training him, but he wanted to ask me out for drinks as well, and we ended up going that night.

I had fun, and we talked about all sorts of different things, including the job, but also about art and travel and different kids of alcohol, I think. I don’t remember the details that much. But I did have a good time.

I saw him again Thursday night and Friday night at some work-related events, and Friday night I saw he was commenting on some of my facebook photos so I texted him and we started chatting through text, and one thing he said is that he prefers me in a one-on-one situation and said his favorite night was Monday when it was just the two of us. He then asked me out and said he’d call me “tomorrow” to figure something out.

It’s Sunday night and I still haven’t heard anything, so we’ll see. But I have to say, I’ve never had an interview turn down a job because he was too attracted to me!!

On a side note, Jay might come up for a visit in two weeks…to see me, essentially…we’ll see!

He is a couple years older than me, and very very driven, which is awesome, and he works hard. He’s super blonde, not that tall (but then again neither was Jay), and pretty cute, but I’m just a little wary because I SHOULD NOT BE DOING THIS. lol Argh. Why do I keep doing this to myself?

Well. I didn’t really think too much of anything, since we never kissed and he ended up having to stay over but I just put him on the couch and he never complained, but this evening when I was texting people to remind them to do things for tomorrow I also sent a text out asking him how his day was and we started chatting. His last text? “Anything you want. I got you. I’m gonna do that now and then go to bed. I’ll see you bright and early, beautiful!”

Just what is it about being called beautiful that makes me melt a little bit? Is it just me, or is it something that happens to every girl??

Also, I saw Jay today, however briefly, and we just kissed each other very briefly on the lips when he left to drive back to Virginia…I barely even got to talk to him. I think I’m gonna go visit all of them next month though, we’ll see. Plus I kinda mentioned to one of his housemates (the only girl, who is also one of my closest friends) that I liked him again and she was like, “No, Cat, you definitely don’t want to do that…trust me, I live with him!” (Her boyfriend is also one of her roommates, so it’s not a jealousy thing, although I think I was afraid to ask why she was saying that, so I just let it drop.)

Ah, boys!!

It’s just weird to put that in a time frame…like I’ve said before I’m mostly fine with being single, but it’s weird to think how long it’s been since I’ve been in a relationship! Sure I’ve dated and hooked up with guys, but nothing was ever official, and lately I’ve been so focused on work (working my ass off to get promoted, guys!) that I haven’t even really thought about it.

And ok fine, so I realized this week that I actually like Jay. (You guys totally figured that out, didn’t you?)  I was missing him quite a bit Thursday night, it was so weird. I don’t think I’d actually decided I liked him so much the whole time we’ve had our thing, whatever it is. But I actually missed him kind of intensely that night. Ugh. Maybe I am actually a commitment phobe, just that I don’t know it…I seem to always like the guys that are unavailable to me in some way shape or form!

But, ever since he moved we’ve been BBM-ing and he calls every once in a while, and I’ll see him tomorrow since there’s a conference for our business, but unfortunately he isn’t coming up to the city today b/c he’s at a birthday weekend elsewhere…

Oh well.

As for the other guys that I was potentially dating, totally blew them off. LOL I just don’t have a whole lot of leisure time anymore, and when I do have it I really cherish it and would rather spend time with people I actually want to see, and not feel like I’m forcing myself to go on dates – that’s not the point of dating, after all. I think that’s smart, but maybe I’m just closing off more options before I even give anyone a chance…?

Either way, I hope everyone has a beautiful weekend – the weather is gorgeous in NYC! I’m off to a BBQ later this afternoon and hope to catch some sun

However, I’ve been reading this book on relationships, and one of the topics it discusses is ambivalence, and I realized that I have been rather ambivalent about looking for a relationship. I haven’t made it a priority (at all), am mostly too lazy to go about looking for one, and for the majority of the time, I don’t care that I’m single. Then there’s the minority, sometimes when I miss the companionship that comes with being in a relationship, and obviously the intimacy and the support and the physical aspect. At the same time, I really value my freedom and doing whatever I want whenever I want…and in relationships, priorities shift, which of course is understandable, but at the same time I love just spending time with my friends doing whatever the hell we want to do without checking in with anyone, or whatever.

Also on another note, Jay is switching offices this upcoming weekend, and I am leaving for this week and won’t see him, and we’ve kinda had a little bit of flirting still. I know I gave up on even trying to date him, but of course when that happened he kept coming back to me at random times, like flirting and staying behind at my last house party without even saying anything to me (lol – it was actually really amusing, and nothing happened, but I did let him kiss me and then sleep in my bed with me!), but then Friday at the office at one point he randomly held my hand for a few seconds and suddenly my heart just jumped. Weird, right?

I had another house party that night and I already knew beforehand that he’d be staying over, and i was kinda right…he stayed until about 430 and had to leave to rescue his roommate from being locked out! But that night we talked about everything that had happened between us, and it was cute. We didn’t come to any conclusions, but it was the first time I was really honest with him and it felt good to tell him everything I’d felt during the course of our whatever relationship, and it was really cute when he brought up the first night we met – he said, “Remember that night we first met, at the bar? I thought you were so hot! But I also thought you were with Jim…” haha It’s always nice to be told that you’re good looking!

Anyway. I still feel affectionate towards him, and he really is a good guy when it comes down to it. I definitely don’t see a relationship happening between us, especially with this move coming up, but it’s nice to know somebody cares, a little. Plus, I’ll still see him – I’ll definitely be running a trip down to their office, and he already made me promise to come down in 3 weeks’ time, once the office is up and running.

Nice, right?

On yet another note, I went on a blind date a few weeks ago and the guy is SO persistent! he keeps calling and texting, and chasing me for a 2nd date. LOL it was my first blind date ever, and it was fun, but I just didn’t feel any chemistry for him whatsoever. Still, I’ll give him a 2nd date if we can find the time for it, since this weekend I couldn’t do it!

I also should have another date lined up sometime, but our schedules also keep clashing (also I kept waffling between whether to go or not, but now I’ve decided, why not? Doesn’t hurt, and it’s only for a few drinks.). So, yay for my dating life picking up!

And if you’re single, how are you meeting the people you’ve been dating?

I have a confession. Another one. I haven’t even really admitted it to anyone else in my real life, but Jim and I have been hooking up again. It’s terrible, I know. I’m actually friends with Amy now and yet Jim and I just can’t seem to help ourselves.

It’s not like I’m ok with being the other woman, entirely. It’s more just like I can’t seem to resist Jim. I know that’s no excuse, and that I’m being an awful friend, and of course I feel guilty about it, but when we’re together it’s…nuts. It’s just so good. And so fun.

Last night at one point he was just like, “Oh my god, your FACE…you are beautiful.” And he also told me how he thinks about hooking up with me every day, that he always feels really guilty right after but can’t seem to stop. And of course he kept calling me trouble the entire time.

This isn’t good for anything long term at all. I don’t even think I’d really want to date him properly, it’s really just more lust than any kind of love. Which is even more reason to just stop. Good thing I won’t see him for the next 3 weeks. And when I get back from the holidays, I’m going to refocus all my non-working energy towards finding something healthy. And uncomplicated, and actual relationship.

As for Jay, I’m totally over him. I don’t think I’d realized what a kid he is, always looking for attention, and clearly just not really know what he wants. We kinda had a talk last week about whatever it was that happened between us (he initiated it, otherwise I wouldn’t have ever said anything because I really just don’t care anymore), and he told me the reason he was always at home over the weekends (family issues). I felt bad for him, and I do appreciate the fact that he wanted to talk to me about it since now I feel like I can actually at least be a friend or something to him if he seeks it out.

Either way, 4 days until I go home. I can’t wait to see all my BFFs and my family and meet the family pup! And knowing my luck, I’ll meet the man of my dreams while I’m there and he lives in Hong Kong and I’ll have to be in another long distance relationship, because that’s just how things seem to work for me!!

Hmm…

I came to the conclusion (which I have to admit I’d kinda realized a while ago but I just didn’t want to really admit it to myself) that he simply doesn’t want to spend time with me the way I do him. We never hang out outside the office unless it’s with other people from the office. This weekend? He’s run off to home, again. What a little boy. Run home, little one.

I’ve decided to just end it. If he tries to kiss me or whatever in the future I’m going to brush him off and just tell him he’s had his chance and blew it (since you been gone…!). It’s been two months since things first started, and I think he was just much more interested before. I’m not going to confront him about anything because there isn’t anything to say (how pathetic would, “I liked you, but you blew it, and I just wanted to let you know whatever this thing was between us is now over” sound?? Um, no thanks!).

At this point in my life and where I am in my career, I’d rather either be totally single or just fall into a relationship with someone I really like and who really likes me back. I don’t want this middle ground bullshit with someone who doesn’t even seem to want to spend time with me. I’m so over it!

(Please don’t let me fall off the wagon…)