It is an agonizing burn that feels like you are apart of some torture mechanism or being torn apart.  Not sure if I will ever live my life without them.

The truth is I probably wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for them.  I originally went to Mayo Clinic in May of this year because about 15 doctors told me I was crazy and there was nothing wrong with me.  This is how this horrible story started.  May of 2012, I had a botched test and I was misdiagnosed for 6 months.  Doctor’s of internal medicine, Gastroenterology, Surgeons and many many test and they couldn’t figure out I had a gallbladder about to explode.

October 2012, my body finally had enough and couldn’t take anymore pain or sickness.  I lost 20lbs within the first two weeks of this disaster.  They tried their hardest to kick me out of the ER even though I was about to collapse and was on morphine.  I had to fight and called my doctor to get me admitted.  Even then it didn’t stop.  The surgeon elected for me chastised me and turned a GI doctor against me even though my primary and my GI said my gallbladder needed to go.  If I wasn’t in so much pain and scared of losing my job I would have waited for a better surgeon.  Never let someone treat you or cut you open if you don’t trust them.  I did not trust him.

Turns out for good reason because he butchered the muscles in my stomach.  He also wouldn’t take out sutures I was highly allergic to.  Plus, he was wrong about my gallbladder and had to apologize to me.  It took months to figure out all that was wrong with my gallbladder but I found out.  It was enlarged, diseased, had scales on it, it was attached to my small intestine, my cyst duct had stones in it and had a genetic defect of being  smaller than normal.  This was all missed on test after tests and the doctors wonder why I became agitated.  Not to mention all the near death experiences I have experience at their hands.

It got to a point, the allergies got so bad that I would go into anaphylactic shock over an orange peel.  Imagine being scare of breathing in the world because one breath could kill you.  Trust me epi pens are horrible.  For about a month, it was like I was drowning under heavy waters and couldn’t breath.  Of course, I ended up in the ER and they really could do nothing for me.  I even had an allergist try to swindle me.

Life keep spinning downward and out of control.  My pain levels were to the point I would be shaking and almost pass out at work.  I think the only reason I made it through it was because I was out of my head with pain.  It got to the point, I was collapsing and thought I was going to die.  It wasn’t the first time nor was it the last.

That is when I gave up with local hospitals and specialists “helping” me.  It was time to go to Mayo which was scary for me because if they couldn’t help me I knew I would never make it.  I won’t say all of my experiences there were great but some were life savers for me.

Like the allergist was able to do some simple things to bring down my hypersensitivity.  It isn’t gone but I don’t feel like I am going to die from an orange and I can breath again.  I also found the most wonderful rehab doctor, although she has tortured me with needles.  She was the one doctor that work for me and tried to get me the help I needed.

Although, I will be permanently damaged, I will live and I have been told I can still have kids.  For that I will always be indebted to her and my primary.  I still have a long way to go.  My pain levels are still high, allergies are still bad and I have developed anorexia because I am always nauseas/have high acid.  That is why I lost another 20lbs in a two week period and continue to have issues with eating/weight lose.

There have been some other things I am currently doing to try and recover as much as possible.  Plus, I am avoiding stress and anything else emotional damaging that can be physically damaging.

So, I will post I things that have helped me.  So, maybe I can help others.  The only reason I am here today is because I am a strong advocate and I keep pushing.

Below are the pictures of the needle:

Till next time.

Originally, I came to having a blog because I feel deeply in love with a man that was apart of this world.  At the time it was a great way to express myself even though some of what I wrote seems silly now.  I will be revamping the about me section.  Not sure who I am right now but when I figure that out I will put it up for the world.

Why am I back again?  Well, partially the man I feel in love with a first sight all those years ago and a life changing event in my life.  An injury to be precise which had made me feel very trapped in my body and that no one understands what I am going through.  Let’s face it probably don’t care.  I have become more of a realist.  The world and the people in it are caught up with Social Media, TV, money, commercialize, greediness, selfishness and we really do have a generation aptly named the “ME” generation to deal with. 

I know it may be funny that yes I am using Social Media.  You wouldn’t believe how many emails I have, twitter pages, Facebook and god only know what else.  Recently, I started shutting that all down.  Now, I have this page and the twitter account it is attached to.

Well, that is till I am discovered which may not be long.  So, here is something very personal about me.  The person I fell in love with all those years ago, I recently professed it to him, recently fought with him and am now not talking to him.  He may discover this page and if he does, I will go underground again.  I can’t have him see my hurt. 

To give an explanation of the relationship, I had unrequited love from the first moment I re-met him.  He never loved me (hence the unrequited part), he cared for me as he would any human being on the earth and just wanted sex from me.  It took me a long time to admit to myself that I loved him and I told him I loved him to drive him away which worked.  Sad I know but that I what happens when you don’t protect my heart.

So, if you take a look back at the webpage, most of my poems (which I am not sure are good but were cathartic) and tweets; you will see my heartache for him.  Luckily, this time I haven’t seen him in awhile and I now think he actually hates me which is probably for the best.  Life is easier with him not in it.

Not sure I will ever be this raw or open again but for restarting my page I thought… why not.  May never write another post after this one.  Giving all I can give seems like the right choice.

Think it is time for bed.  Have a good one.

Showing your true life.

No Support.

Choice may not have been granted.

Burden always pressed down on you.

You go it alone.

Clogging the senses

Invading your soul

Never clears

Clear

The vision you think you see of me

Bleared by the horizon of your fabricated dreams

Dreams

Of me invade your thoughts

Never real

Real

I am not what you want

Or think

Think

What you may

But I will never be yours

I am getting ready for another podcast and need your help.  Can you fill out the small survery?

http://www.polldaddy.com/s/59B4BD157C0024C7/

Thank you!!

How long do you have to wait to be intimate?  This is a podcast discussing how soon you should be intimate with someone.

Listen at: Intimacy on the Fast Track Podcast and/or EBs iTunes page

Holding you is only a dream.

A dream that will never come true.

I reach for you as if you are standing in front of me.

So close to me.

Feeling the warmth of your breath and body

Just to be a part of you.

Vanishing to the touch.

Wishing it was real.

Cold reality settling in.

Not meant for me.

Still enraptured by everything that is us.

My heart beating in solemn reverence.

Broken and lost.

Stop this pounding ache!

Dreaming it never ended.

Dreaming it never started.

Dreaming for a new love.

It is true.  Stop letting your hang ups, fears and miscommunications keep you from a happy relationship.

This podcast is about my latest relationship and what I learned.  I hope it helps you in your relationships.

Also, I hope it doesn’t piss off the ex-boyfriend this was written about.

Listen at:  Dating Sucks Podcast and/or EBs iTunes page

Music for my Mood