For the many readers who have been following D’s palate expander to braces journey, I have quite an update.  Braces are off!

Now, let me back up for a bit, because I neglected to mention that D had his braces put on in October 2014.  We had been in a holding pattern for about a year, waiting for all of his baby teeth to fall out prior to resuming treatment.  He also has that residual arch appliance (a little bridge, if you will, to keep his palatal arch from moving) from after they removed the palate expander until about 6 months into his braces journey.  Then, they removed that and he just had the braces.

The journey went very fast, thanks to D’s compliance with wearing his elastics religiously, and the skilled hands of our orthodontist.  D’s braces were removed on Feb 8th, 2016 and we are now in the land of retainers!  Time-wise, he had his braces on for exactly 16 months which really flew by.   In all, since his early treatment with the palate expander, he spent just over 4 years fixing many, many issues he had (some of that time was spent waiting inbetween).  Every cent spent was worth it.

Remember his broken teeth from the bike accident?  We had those bonded shortly before the final impressions for his permanent retainer. So, I guess, with the exception of retainer checks, we are done treatment.

I will tell you, the time went so very fast.

If you are seeing this post for the first time, please take a moment to read my archives to find out about the journey.

Part I

Part II

Also- there are so many of you that commented on my first post, if you are new to the land of orthodontics and specifically want to hear from others about their journey, there are nearly 100 comments to read that may be helpful. Almost all center around the palate expander since it still is the hardest to find information on this torture device (kidding). There is no reason to fear the expander!!

Of course, if you have any specific questions, you can comment here, I will answer, and maybe a few of my fellow readers will as well!

Keep Smiling!!

Braces off!! February 2016

Sad face PB&J

I am not a person that wells too much in emotion for very long.  I like to think that since, at the core, I have always been a “glass half-full” gal, I have that inner rubber band that snaps back in the other direction when I get too down in the dumps.  Lately, for the first time in my life, I have successfully managed to use exercise as a way to 1) stay away from food, and 2) to work out the frustrations of the day.

Now, before I get ahead of myself…  this has only been for three weeks, but the timing could not have been more perfect.  My son finished 6th grade yesterday, and has now crossed into junior high status.  He also had a great year, academically speaking, which is a monstrous achievement for him.  Just as he and I were flying high at the prospect of 7th grade looming, we were quickly grounded upon hearing he has classwork in addition to his required reading for the summer.  A full-blown paper to write, and, to welcome him back in the Fall… a TEST immediately on his return in Math.  For the love.  sigh.   We have not even met his teachers yet and they are already bringing us down on Day 1 of summer vacation.

By the way, that photo of the PB&J sandwich?  Mine, which I made the day before.  I didn’t mean to put a buzzkill on the mood of the day, but somehow I managed to create a sad face on white bread.  Which I guess is par for the course.

But I digress…

I attended his school-end awards ceremony and prayer service. They group the children youngest front to back.  Since K and 8th grade have already “graduated”, there was just 1st grade-7th grade in the pews.  The parents and miscellaneous staff sit in the last few pews.  And the parents that MUST. HAVE. PHOTOS. for every single event stand on the walls with cameras at the ready. As I sat in the back of the church, it dawned on me that he would only have one more of these ceremonies… next year.  I suddenly felt awful that I didn’t take more pictures over the years. Hence, this beauty (taken on my iPhone which I whipped out in record time):

Well…

it will have to do.

As we pulled out of the parking lot, I got a little misty-eyed.  Time is moving way too fast.  In fact, I pretty much missed a big chunk of it this year.  Not physically, but mentally.  My boy is becoming a successful young man, despite my lapses in parenting at times.  In fact, he’s almost a mini-me.

Soon the pews will run out, and then…..?

Next year, I’m standing on the wall.

…and bringing my SLR camera.

YOU ROCKED 6th GRADE!

I have some major career choices ahead.  I’m a consultant under contract for my old employer.  I like/love the job, but damn, I hate not being an employee.  Yeah, the freedom is great.  But the freedom in the contract world is an illusion.  I could be employed (or not) at the drop of a hat.  The money isn’t “all-that”… certainly not anything to keep me but more likely for me to wander. My resume is awesome, but I lack many of the networking contacts I need to move on. Would it surprise you if I said my mentors are now mostly retired?  This is decidedly not helpful.  Once in a while an executive recruiter will contact me, and the job is great but not anywhere within a 100 mile radius. My LinkedIn profile is growing dusty. I work at home, and honestly that is the biggest reason I am standing still.  I think I need a career counselor or a permanent job as wine-taster.

I will have a middle-school aged child in the 7th grade this fall.  This gives me heart palpitations.  It means we shift to speed-dating the local high schools.  Let’s just think about that for a moment, shall we?  Back when I was a kid, you went to school wherever your home address was on the map.  Since my son is in a private school, the possibilities become endless.  Some are expensive, some inexpensive, and then there is public school which still could be great.  Did you know they give scholarships to private HIGH SCHOOL now?  How awesome, so now you can enjoy a cheap ride though secondary school only to owe your life later to the federal government in the form of education loans.  Education sometimes feels like a bait and switch.

My home, ughhhh…. it needs an overhaul.  It looked great when we had it built new, but 15 years later I have the beginnings of a money pit.  Recently we had an epic hot water heater failure which resulted in a flooded basement.  That basement overhaul I had planned, well, it was moved up.  My husband and I hauled 15 years of stuff out of the house and into the rented dumpster.  It was exhausting and exhilarating all at once.

This is where the story goes off the rails.  I found the 5 plastic tubs of baby clothes that have been hidden in the darkest corner of the unfinished side of the basement.  Since we were cleaning out, I HAD to open them.  First plastic container in, unexpectedly, I got a waft of baby smell thanks to my overuse of Dreft before I carefully folded the clothes for the NEXT BABY.  Yeah, that baby.  The one that never came.

Do you know how long its been since I cried ugly tears?  It had been so long I couldn’t remember.  But there I was alone in the basement.  Sitting on a damp floor and crying my eyes out thinking of how my life would have been different if any of the 5 pregnancies had made it. I did an awful thing.  I put the clothes into dark plastic bags and flipped them right into the dumpster.  I didn’t give any of it away.  I didn’t want anyone getting my bad mojo from those clothes.  Worst of all, I didn’t want to think of any baby in the clothes I kept for MY baby.

At midnight, I went back into the dumpster and pulled out two outfits (my favorite ones) and put them in a small container for D to have when he’s grown.  I figured I should at least let him have the memory I didn’t want.

So, yeah, that happened. As much as I would like to think I moved on… well…. I have not.  I moved on from the reality but not the dream.  It occurred to me during my mini-breakdown of sorts that this whatever it is has weighed me down so much it creeped into the parts of me that I thought I had resolved. I am still broken.  This frailty had made me question the rockstar I once thought I was, because that I am not that person anymore. Pretty much the only glimmer of me I recognize is the career me.  But even knowing I am good at my job has made me question if I can summon the courage to do more and refocus my life.

If I searched this blog, I bet I have said I wanted to treat myself better more times than on my fingers and toes.  It’s been a persistent goal because I know I need to get right with the world before I am fit to serve others.

But I am failing.  Oh, how I am failing myself yet again.  The difference now is it is SO HARD to keep getting up when I am knocked down.  The knees are weak, and the will is waning.

I did enjoy the feeling of eating?…. let’s be serious, there wasn’t a lot of eating.  A lot of drinking, and not enough eating.  That was a major drawback for me.  I have come to the conclusion that VEGAN I will never be, and I am okay with that.  I tried it, and it really did work… it’s just not my cup of tea.  I lost 11 pounds and 6 inches (waist, hips, bust).  But I missed protein, and my energy level was only awesome when I supplemented with extra protein.    It did highlight my addiction to carbs (because really, there is NOTHING sadder and mentally painful than crashing down from carbs) so I feel like I have a much-improved outlook on how to ration my carbs to a healthy level.  Ingesting no sugar was also interesting, and while it did not affect me as much as the carb detox (still having bad flashbacks!), it was an eye-opener.  Again, the take-away was being more mindful of sugar in my diet.

I spent the last few weeks kind of wandering.  Not back to Weight Watchers, not doing a cleanse, and having good days and bad days.  One thing I am excited about is the hubs and I invested in The Total Gym.  really.  I have to say I was on the fence about it, but darn it if we haven’t worked out on that thing almost every day since we got it.  Since I am still struggling with ongoing issues with my foot, it’s a good way to work out without stressing out the tootsies.  Can I just tell you how awesome is it to just stretch on that thing after a workout?  Heaven.

What’s next?  Well, I like the idea of meal replacement with a shake, so I have a very good internet friend who introduced me to Shakeology.  I plan to try that for awhile as I gradually nurse my injuries back to 100% and get fit enough to delve into a more rigorous exercise regimen.

Onward!

I decided to modify my cleanse on Saturday and Sunday to include one sensible meal (dinner).  This was for two reasons, primarily because I was out on Saturday (not home to make the power shake) and Sunday I was feeling a little nauseated and run down.  I wanted lean meat and a vegetable so that was my dinner on both evenings in place of the shake (no carbs, no dairy, no sugar).  The rest of the days I stuck with the plan, and amazingly I felt much better with the additional food beyond the flex options.

So, the one thing that surprises me about this plan is I really feel less hungry as the days go on.  I also noticed that my intense need for bread(carbs) and sugar has decreased A LOT.   I’m not sure if it’s a mind over matter thing, or my body is now breaking the cycle of addiction?  This is the first time in my life I have been successfully able to cut carbs out totally.  I really never could do it because the craving was so overwhelming before.  What will happen when I slowly introduce carbs again (albeit in careful moderation)?  I am going to try to be very mindful of this.

So, it’s Day 7 and I am three days to the end of my 10-Day Transformation.  I am thinking about what I will do going forward but have not made any decisions yet.  Since I skipped some shakes in the last week, I will have extra…  so I think I will finish it out in the same fashion as I did this past weekend.  Shakes for breakfast/lunch, and a sensible dinner.  Speaking of the power shakes…  I’m really starting to not like the taste.  I KNOW, it’s an awful thing to say.  When I started this plan, I was mixing them with almond milk and fruit to “hide” the taste but now I have gone the way of preparing with water and guzzling them.  They are not awful, but it’s just getting easier to think of them as “nutrition” ….just down them and move on.

The one major thing I have also learned?  I could never be 100% vegan.  Sorry folks, my preference is protein from lean meat.  While I will never be a poster child for this program, it so far has been a great experience.

Onward!  Looking forward to the next check in.

Last night was really hard. I drank all of my shakes and followed the plan to a “T”, but I was STARVING. The flex foods weren’t enough either. I was ready to chuck everything out of the window and have some pasta. I really think that I am being slammed with a double whammy of caffeine and carb withdrawal. I felt sick, and figured maybe a few nuts would get me back in my right mind. I had a small handful of almonds, and it made a world of difference. I am thinking that since I am very overweight, the drastic cut in caloric intake is rebooting my insides and creating a tug-of-war!

Yesterday, I spoke about the fiber blend- and just to mention… I mixed it with a small amount of organic pineapple juice, water, ice, and a dash of unsweetened coconut. That made it MUCH more palatable…..

It’s a great feeling that I am sticking with this. I am hoping to have more good news to share tomorrow!

On the upside, I made it through Day 1.  Today, I am going to try to space out my flex foods and get a little creative with preparation.  Searching the Internet, I found a lot of great ideas on how to pump up the shakes so that there is variety in taste.  I can see that this might get old real quick without thinking outside the box.

Another note to self (and whomever might read this), the Daily Fiber Blend mixed with room temp water?  Yeah, that was a no go.  I heard that mixing it with something else might make it a little more palatable. So, I’ll try that tonight, and report back with my thoughts.

I hear the first four days are the hardest.  I’m going to take it hour by hour for now!

Nothing like the warm breeze of summer and an ill-fitting wardrobe to stimulate feelings of panic and dismay.  Another year, another %$#@!! YEAR! of disappointing myself with regards to my health.  Seriously, I cannot fathom why this is so difficult for me.     I’m really tired of rehashing the “whys”, because, I know WHY.  I love food, and I love my iPad.   Ridiculous portion size of food + little activity = FAT

There, that’s the mystery solved.

So, rather than micromanage my self-image and lack of control, I’ve decided to just hop back on that wagon.  Today.  Not next Monday, or after the next holiday.  Today.

Now, anyone that knows me IRL knows I am a lover of simplicity.  I am not a fad dieter- I gave that up in my twenties.  I’ve been a life-long member of the WW plan, because, well, it makes sense.  And it’s the only lifestyle that keeps a lid on my bad habits.  But… just like it takes x number of days to lose a bad habit, it really only takes me one day to reach critical mass when I blow it.  So there’s the problem.  The cycle that needs to be broken.

I stopped being a friend to myself.

So, last week.   I woke up and did a terrifying thing.  I stood in front of my full length mirror in minimal attire and RECOGNIZED that I have not been the best me as of late.  I took two photographs, one front and one from the side.  Then I cried (just a little).  Then I enacted a plan.

Now, usually, I just trot off to WW and solemnly hand over my weekly pass and fess up.  But the state of my being is different this time.

I am tired. Really, really dog tired.

I have no energy. I can’t sleep.

I am not sharp at work like I want to be.

I have no desire to do anything.

Is my mid-40’s catching up to me?  Have I finally reached that wall that all the older ladies at WW lamented about?  What is wrong with me (other than the fibromyalgia which is an entirely different conversation) and how did I let myself get back to THIS place?  is there something else going on? So many questions.

The reality is I really can’t get to the bottom of my health until I put myself into a healthy state.  I mean, imagine asking someone eating a donut about their health?  Wrong setting, wrong time!

So I needed a jumpstart.  I needed a way to clean my mind and body of the CRAP that has been festering.  I googled, and googled some more.  Then the Internet fairy (waat? sure there is one!) landed on a blog that discussed a cleanse.  I was suspicious (naturally), but checked it out anyway.  Then I happened on a friend- of a friend of a friend.  She had completed said cleanse and reported that it was a great experience, and had a positive impact on her energy level and propelled her to continue her new dietary lifestyle.  Huzzah!  I’m interested.

I researched and decided this could be a great jumping-off point to get back to neutral and evaluate what I need to do going forward.   For those of you interested to know, it’s the Purium 10-Day Transformation, and no, they are not paying me a dime.  I am hoping it was just kismet that brought me to them.

I started today.

Will I make it the 10 days with no carbs, no sugar, no meat, no cheese, NO COFFEEEE?  We’ll see.  I made it to noon!

I’m going to try to journal my thoughts along the way.  This a radical thing for me, but something I think is needed.

No time like the present to hitch the wagon!

My little man, or should I say, almost pre-teen (ack!) is closing in on his 11th birthday.  I am equal parts elated and shocked.  I mean, really, how fast did those years go?   It’s such a cliché, I know.  I started blogging in 2002, the year before he was born, and here we are years later.  I still regret missing so much of his early years focusing on my inability to build a bigger family, but let me tell you–  I have made up for the lost years in the last three.  I am so happy that I was finally able to really be the Mom he deserved.  Someday, when he is older, I hope he knows it too.

D knows SCIENCE!

I have a new job.  An old-old/new job.  I am back at my corporate desk, working again from home in the land of big technology.  This time, my old employer is my client.  It’s the 2014 answer to going back to an old job.  In the world we live in, where outsourcing is the norm, I count myself lucky to find my way back in this non-traditional manner.  Turns out, I loved my old-old job and the people enough to jump back in.  I call it coming full circle. 

Where the MAGIC happens

I’m trying to be a better version of me lately.  I fail miserably at times, but more often than not, I have little successes that make up for the failures in spades.  The thing about being in my mid-forties, you see, is a focus on spending less time beating myself up.  I was never quite capable of that in my thirties, and not until the last two years.  Sure, there are times when I grip the arms of my chair and have a serious WTF conversation with my inner self (trust me, it’s needed some of the time), but really?  I think something changes when you cross the bridge to the second half of life.  All that crap I focused my energy on… 90% of it was wasted.  I prefer to channel as much as I can to efforts that MEAN something, or will seriously impact the lives of my husband, my child, and me.  I call this wisdom.

Remember back in the day when there was that meme, writing a note to your younger self at age 20?  I never did it, but I could write the heck out of one now. Bygones.

We live and learn, and if we are damn lucky, we get a chance for do-overs.

Four years ago, in the throes of my infertility madness, I wrote this post. I stumbled on this past week again, and, (big sigh……..) it reminded me of that god-awful place. I felt lost, hopeless, and badly in need of others support. My blog became a godsend for me, I’ve said it many times, the internet rescued me when I was one foot off the ledge.

One of my very good internet friends posted a link to a story this past summer which pulled a long-buried trigger. A reminder that the only soul who really felt the same level of pain and misery was my husband.

• He was the guy that stuck with me through every doctors appointment.
• He was the guy that allowed our relationship to be monopolized by a 28 day calendar.
• He was my nurse who gave me daily injections.
• He was the guy that overlooked my bad days when I was being a bitch to him (which trust me, was a lot when I was hopped up on meds).
• He attended every vag-cam at the dreaded RE appointments when there was no fetal heartbeat to be found.
• He picked me up off the floor after the staggering losses, hugged me, and bought me carbs to curb the sorrow.
• He was the Dad to my son when I couldn’t always be the present Mom.

He deserves the biggest thank you in the world. Yet- he got the rawest of deals, he got infertility hell and only me to use as his outlet.

I had the internet.

Or should I say- all of the virtual sisters that walked in my shoes, raised me up, and helped me fall softly. For them, all of them, I am grateful and humbled by their support and compassion. Many of these ladies are friends to this day, and nothing will ever change that. Heck, I even have friends that I met on-line when I was pregnant with David in 2002 (speaking to you my TCOYF buds…Natalie, Nat, Melissa)! That’s 11 years ladies!

The fact that I spent 5 years in a hormone-drug-induced fog with no success has always been a sore spot. Ok… a gaping hole. I’ll admit here, yes, we ventured into adoption nearly 3 years ago, and failed there too (I’ll qualify as failed since I all but unofficially pulled the plug). The reality is no one picked us, and too much time has passed now. I am in a different state of mind. Yes, I am heartbroken, but I feel more confident today that I could not have done an ounce more to realize this dream. I gave my all out the universe. It has been 8 years since that first miscarriage, and the roller coaster ride of my life is finally coming to a stop.

I am done.

I am closing the book.

We are a family of three.

Over time, my internet sisters succeeded in miraculous ways though IUI, IVF, donor-assisted cycles, surrogacy, adoption and even a few surprises. Most now can look back to infertility as a horrible roadblock that they eventually navigated but will carry those wounds to the grave. I am elated for their successes (and a wee bit jealous). This journey ends differently for everyone. It is not always the end we envisioned, but it is what it is.

This is life.

Infertility changed me, and very unexpectedly in a positive way. I became self-aware, a quality which bled not just into my personal life, but my career as well with unexpected outcomes. I learned a lot about my own tenacity. I learned of my husband’s commitment. Living with infertility ignited my compassion for others. I found kinship and friends in the most unlikely places, I met a few angels along the way too.

And, of course, my miracle named David. His name means “beloved” among other things, and how fitting is that name he ended up with?

It’s funny, to have started this journey and to have come full-circle back to the start is tragic yet somewhat oddly ironic. I often think about what it would have been like if I had not walked this path. To be honest, I know I would have been a person I may not have liked. I would be a different Mom to my only son. A different wife to my husband.

And all those things I gained? I may have lived a lifetime and never found those gifts.

This blog is not closing, because the story continues.

Life continues, and all the heartache and hilarity that will ensue.

But this chapter? It has finally reached its conclusion.

and you… all are part of my story.

Thank you.

xo