WOMEN

Is it ever Right to Please People?

It is right to please people by denying yourself the use of your Christian Liberty, so as not to put a stumbling block before a weaker brother?  Now, it’s one thing if those to whom we proclaim the gospel are offended by the message itself.  It’s quite another if they are offended by our conduct or activities.  Paul was willing to limit his freedoms in order to not set a stumbling block before those who were not yet set free from bondage to their religious laws and traditions through the gospel of grace he was preaching.  He tells us to follow his example:

If one of the unbelievers invites you and you want to go, eat anything that is set before you without asking questions for conscience’ sake.  But if anyone says to you, “This is meat sacrificed to idols,” do not eat it, for the sake of the one who informed you, and for conscience’ sake; I mean not your own conscience, but the other man’s; for why is my freedom judged by another’s conscience ?  If  I partake with thankfulness, why am I slandered concerning that for which I give thanks? 

Whether, then you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.  Give no offense either to Jews or to Greeks or to the church of God; just as I also please all men in all things, not seeking my own profit but the profit of the many, so that they may be saved.  Be imitators of me, just as I also am of Christ (I Corinthians 10:27-11:1)

In this passage, Paul is urging the Corinthians to avoid eating meat that has been sacrificed to idols when in the presence of those whose conscience have not been Biblically programmed.  This principle was to be practiced toward all men (whether unconverted Jews, pagan Greeks, or uninformed Christians).  The issue was not that the meat he was abstaining from was in any way defiled.  Paul’s concern was that those who were bound by their own weak consciences would be defiled(violated) if they ate the meat believing it was defiled.  Elsewhere in the New Testament, Paul encourages his readers to please others.  The context is almost identical to the one we just observed.

Now we who are strong ought to bear the weaknesses of those without strength and not just please ourselves.  Each of us is to please his neighbor for his good, to his edification.  For even Christ did not please himself….(Rom.15:1-3)

These three verses (in which the word please appears three times) serve as a summary statement for what Paul said in the previous chapter.  Romans 14 may be subtitled:  “How to Handle Disputable Issues” or “How to Respond to a Weaker Brother.”  Again we see the same theme:  Don’t do anything that would cause your bother to sin – even if it means that you are inconvenienced.

Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather determine this – not to put an obstacle or a stumbling block in a brother’s way.  I know and am convinced in the Lord Jesus that nothing is unclean in itself; but to him who thinks anything to be unclean, to him it is unclean.  For if because of food your brother is hurt, you are no longer walking according to love.  Do not destroy with your food him for whom Christ died…Do not tear down the work of God for the sake of food.  All things indeed are clean, but they are evil for the man who eats and gives offense.  It is good not to eat meat or to drink wine, or to do anything by which your brother stumbles.  (Rom. 14:13-15, 20-21)

The thrust of Paul’s argument is:  “Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to his edification.”  He asks, “Who are you wanting to please?”  We as Christians are often called upon to “please others,” putting up with their scruples and notions that have not basis in Scripture.  Occasionally, we have to do so with greater frequency than we think is fair.  This is what it means “to bear the weaknesses of those without strength” (Rom. 15:1).  It  is to this extent that we are commanded to “please (our) neighbor for his good” (Rom. 15:2)

So there is a time and a place to please all (sorts of) men.  It is our motive that dictates the rightness or wrongness of such people -pleasing.  The questions to ask yourself are these: “Do I do it for selfish reasons to cause them to think better of me?  Or do I do it out of love, not seeking own profit, but the profit of the many?”

Can you say “Amen” ?  “Glory to His Name”!!  At this point we Know clearly “everything we do must be done to glory of God and if not we are pleasing ourselves”   next week we will take a deeper look at how people pleasing is dangerous and there are pitfalls associated with it, they are set up to keep us in bondage.  Until next week  “Be Blessed”!!

God richly bless the hearers and doers of his Word.

     WOMEN

Is it ever Right to Please People?

It is right to please people to the extent that establishing a good name for the cause of Christ is your motive.  “A good name is to be more desired than great wealth, favor is better than silver and gold” (Proverb 22:1) .

As with so much in the ‘Christian life, that which distinguishes right from wrong is simply our motive.  When we seek a good reputation in order to use it for our own selfish purposes, our prayer is wrong.  “You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures” (James 4:3).  When we want to establish and maintain a good name for the cause of Christ, our motivation is biblical and our efforts are likely to produce good fruit.  As Hugh Blair points out, our reputation can greatly help or hinder our service for God:

The sphere of our influence is contracted  or enlarged in proportion to the degree in which we enjoy the good opinion of the public.  Men listen with an unwilling ear to one whom they do not honor; while a respected character adds weight to [a man's] example, and authority to [his] counsel.  To desire the esteem of others for the sake of its effects, is not only allowable, but in many cases is our duty; and to be totally indifferent to praise or censure is so far from being a virtue, that it is a real deficit in character.

The Scripture speak of the importance of possessing a good reputation.  Some of these passages address the dangers associated with not having one.  Solomon warns us that even a small amount of folly can ruin a good name:

Dead flies putrefy the perfumer’s ointment, and cause it to give off a foul odor; so does a little folly to one respected for wisdom and honor.  (Eccl. 10:1)
Moreover, those who aspire to church office must have a good reputation:

An overseer, then, must be above reproach … He must have good reputation with those outside the church, so that he will not fall into reproach and the snare of the devil. ( I Timothy 3:2,7)

Those who seek after the office  are to first strive to meet the biblical qualifications.  Paul’s concern is that a man whose reputation is less than good may ultimately bring reproach (disagree) will somehow be ensnared by the devil.  There are other places in the Bible where specific groups of people (e.g, widow, I Timothy 5:14, and servant I Timothy 6:1) are encouraged to behave in certain ways to avoid reproach (cf. 2Sam. 12:14; Rom.2:24).  It is clear that pleasing man for the purpose of not embarrassing God is not only lawful, but commendable.

Join me next week when I will be talking about how it is right to please people when denying yourself the use of your Christian liberty, so as not to put a stumbling  block before a weaker person.  “Be Blessed”!!

God richly bless the hearers and doers of his Word.

     WOMEN

Is it ever Right to Please People?

It is right to please people to the extent that doing so is not the leading principle of conduct or primary motive of your actions, but subordinate to the love of God and the love of neighbor.  The Bible assumes that man, to a certain extent, naturally desires approval from others.  It nowhere cautions him against having a sober-minded desire for such approval.

And began speaking a a parable to the invited guest when he noticed how they had been picking  out the places of honor at the table, saying to them, “When you are invited by someone to a wedding feast, do not take the place of honor, for someone more distinguished than you may have been invited by him,and he who invited you both shall come and say to you, “Give your place to this man, ‘and then in disgrace you proceed  to occupy the last place,  But when you are invited, go and recline at the last place, so that when the one who has invited you comes, he may say to you, “Friend, move up higher”; then you will have honor in the sight of all who are at the table with you.  For every one who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.” (Luke 14:7-11)

Jesus does not condemn the man who, after humbling himself, receives honor in the sight of all who dine with him.  Contrarily, he seems to use this innate desire for esteem as a motivation to be humble, much like Solomon did by his truism, “Before honor comes humility” (Proverb 15:33; see also Proverbs 18:12).  We step over the line into sin when our hearts are governed  by the desire to please people (rather than by the desire to love God and neighbor).

Many women who are people pleasers would not admit to this or may not understand how this action/behavior could be wrong, because  of their deep rooted desire to please others.  Please read this more than once so that God can speak to your heart and break down the blindness that may exists in you.  It is clear that your motives in this instance is what must be taken in consideration to determine if you are people pleasing or not.  I am so grateful to God for his word that is our standard to measure ourselves, otherwise “we would measure ourselves by ourselves”.   Join me next week when I will explain how it is right to please others when establishing a good name for Christ is your motive.

May God richly bless the hearers and doers of his Word.

     WOMEN

Is it ever Right to Please People?

As a people pleaser, you will have to take an honest and close look at what is right about pleasing people.  The people pleaser has really conditioned themselves to think that it is always right to please people and does not have limits or boundaries set for themselves.  Take a look at some examples of what the Bible says is incorrect people pleasing.

 Some idolatrous desires are of course, wrong in and of themselves (coveting another man’s wife, for instance, or wanting to take your own revenge by lying about someone who hurt you, or wanting to cheat another out of something that is rightfully his).  These desires are always wrong because there would never be an occasion in which such desires were not sinful.  But other desires are normal and natural and become sinful only by abuse.  Good and lawful desires become corrupted when they are desired inordinately.  When you want something good (such as desiring your spouse to love you, or your children to honor you, or your boss to treat you with respect)  so much that you are willing to sin in order to fulfill your desire (or to sin as a result of your desire not being fulfilled), your desire become idolatrous.  Such desires are sinful not because some new verse suddenly appeared in your Bible that says, “You shall not want your spouse to love you, “or “You shall not try to please your boss.” They are wrong because you have longed for them too intently.  What may have begun as a legitimate God-given desire has now metastasized and mutated into an inordinate one.

The Bible says, “Each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed” (James 1:14).  The word for desire used in the Greek New Testament (epithumia) is a term that can be used of any strong desire (good or bad).

     Is it a sin for the Christian to use money?  Certainly not.  It’s a sin for him to love money (or to be a lover of money).  Is it a sin to want to have money?  No it’s a sin to long for it to the point of idolatry to look to it for provision more than one looks to God.  And it’s a sin to “want to get rich”.

           But those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a snare and many foolish and harmful desires which plunge men into ruin and destruction.  For the love of money is the root of all sorts of evel, and some by longing for it have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many grief. (I Timothy 6:9-10; see also Luke 16:14, 2Timothy 3:2).

Is it a sin to enjoy pleasure?  No, it’s a sin to love pleasure rather than (or more than) God (cf. Proverbs 21:17; 2 Timothy 3:4).  Is it a sin to want to manage those under your spiritual care?  No.  But it is a sin to be like Diotrphes, who so “loved to be first” (3 John 9; literally, “loved the presidency”) that he abused his spiritual authority.  Similarly, it is not necessarily wrong to desire approval is presumed, if not encouraged.  But it is wrong to love “the approval of men rather than the approval of God” (John 12:43).  It’s also wrong to (like the scribes and Pharisees)  “love the place of honor at banquets and the chief seats in the synagogues, and respectful greetings in the market places, and being called Rabbi by men”  (Matthew 23:6-7).

To desire the approval of others is not necessarily wrong.  If it were to praise or commend one’s child would be to necessarily tempt him to sin.  Our desire for praise is part of our makeup, which allows us to more readily since the shame and reproach associated with our sin.  To experience no desire for praise is to experience no sense of shame. 

Please pray with me.  “God we come before you right now in the name of Jesus, asking that you would help your women to open their heart to your word right now.  That your convicting power would resonate through out the readers of this article.  Father I ask that you would through your word turn your children away from their sin and help them to long for your guidance and surrender their will to you.  We thank you now for all you are going to do in the lives of your people. In the name of Jesus we pray”.   Please join me next week when we take a look at when it is right to please people.

     WOMEN

The woman who is a people pleaser overacts to any hint of disapproval.  She feels a pinprick as keenly as a knife in the back.  She is overly sensitive because she is too concerned about her own glory (and popularity).  She sees any constructive criticism or suggestion for improvement as a threat to her reputation rather than as an opportunity to grow or as an indication of the rep-rover’s love for her.

Being oversensitive is usually nothing less than pride.  And as we have noted, pride is at the heart of people-pleasers.  This oversensitive may take the form of anger, bitterness, or hatred.  It may show up in the form withdrawing, sulking, or pouting.  But remember the approval-seeking person does not want to face rejection, so these vindictive forms of oversensitive (at least the outward evidences of them) may be short-lived.  They are counterproductive and contrary to her goals of being highly esteemed.  It is possible, therefore, that in the long run, the people-pleaser will show her oversensitivity by trying too hard to cover or correct (for wrong motives) that which has caused her to be corrected, reproved, or otherwise disapproved.  Pray with me right now for the hundreds of people who are living in this sin and is justifying their actions.  We pray right now in the name of Jesus that conviction would overwhelm their hearts and cause them to go before God confessing their sin with a sincere heart to stop these behaviors and declare victory over their pride.  Join me next week as I talk about; ” Is it ever right to please people”.

The speech of the people pleaser betrays him.  He may or may not do it consciously, but his words is designed  to cover his flaws and foibles and to cajole others into seeing him in the best possible light.  He is motivated by fear  and not by love.  The Bible makes very clear connection between flattering and people pleasing.

A person  who knows he is faithful and has therefore been approved by God can speak freely and boldly to others.  He does not use flattering speech because he really doesn’t care much about pleasing man.  it is the person who seeks to please man who doesn’t care much about pleasing God and so resorts to flattery.   The people pleaser is a hypocrite  who, for fear of being found out or for the purpose of making others think better  of him than he  really is, disguise himself.

The makeup he uses to camouflage his true appearance consist largely of communication.  Here are some characteristics of the communication style of an approval addict.

The people pleaser….

• Rarely confronts sin the life of another believer.
• Rarely challenges or even questions the opinions of others.
• Prematurely terminates conflicts (usually by yielding, withdrawing, or changing the subject).
• Rarely reveals to others the truth about who he really is inside (  specially his struggles with sin).
• Steers conversation away from those topics that might cause others to realize what he is really like inside.
• Shades the truth (lies) in order, “not to offend others”
• Frequently put himself down in the hope that others will disagree with his purposely exaggerated negative  self assessment.
• Finds in it difficult to say “No” to those who make requests  of him, even when he knows that saying “Yes” will not be the best choice.

I would like to talk about what an approval addictions looks like.  This spiritual malady can manifest itself in many symptoms.  This list is nowhere near exhaustive, I will attempt to give you just  a few characteristics of the presence of a toxic level of pride in the heart.

1. He fears the displeasure of man more than the displeasure of God.

Fear is a powerful emotion.  It has power for good as well as for evil.  The right kind of fear (the fear of God, such as, or the fear of sin and its consequences) keeps us from danger. The wrong kind of fear leads us into danger.  “The fear of man brings a snare” (Proverbs 29:25).  As you read (John 12:42-43) you find that the rulers did not sin because wanted to enjoy a bit of recognition.  Rather, it was their loving man’s approval and not (or perhaps “more than,” God’s approval.  These rulers feared the wrong things.  They were afraid of being excommunicated from the synagogue, which meant that they stood to lose quite a bit more than a good seat in church. The love a person’s approval is bound to the fear of man’s disapproval.   When a people pleaser interact with others, their thoughts immediately and instinctively run in the direction of selfishness, anxiety, and fear.

• “I’m not prepared to meet this person”.

• “What does he think of me”.
• “ I’ll probably make a fool of myself”.
• “I can’t reveal too much of myself or he will know what I’m really like and reject me”.
• “I can bear the thought of being hurt again”.

A people pleaser is not a peacemaker, but a peace-lover.  A peacemaker is willing to endure the discomfort of a conflict in the hope of bringing about a peaceful resolution.  (Peace is not only the absence of conflict, but is often the result of it).  A peace lover is so afraid of conflict that he will avoid it at almost all costs.  He is so concerned about “keeping the peace” with his fellow-man that he is often willing to give up the peace of God that comes from standing up and suffering for the truth.  He is essentially a coward at heart.

2. He desires the praise of man above the praise of God.

Unless he is backed into a corner with the evidence, the approval junkie might never admit that he loves anything more than the Lord.  “Of course I love God more than anything else”!  Look at all the good things I do for Him! Look at all the time I’ve invested in serving him.  My whole life is built around faith.  Surely I don’t love the approval of man above the approval of God!”  The scribes and Pharisees were clearly people pleasers.  Although they were outwardly religious, they were among the clearest examples of people pleasers in the Bible.  They wanted the approval so much that they spent a great deal of their time and effort doing those things that would bring them glory from men.  (Matt. 23:5-7)  Even though those things were religious in nature (such as prayer, fasting, and giving) they can be done with an hypocritical motive to gain man’s approval.  (Matt. 6:1-5).  The people pleaser is a hypocrite.  His service to man and to God is contaminated by impure desires.  His religion is more external than internal.  His first thought is not “How will God be glorified by what I am doing” but rather “How will people perceive me”.  He is not accustom to thinking this way, but exclusively of himself.  He is concerned about his reputation.  His heart craves being held in high esteem by others ( and to hear their praises).  He values the approval of man rather than the approval of God. (John 12:43)

Next time I will continue to give you some more Characteristics of people pleasers.  Please continue with me as we look at how to diagnose the spiritual disorder of “People Pleasers”.

May God place a conviction on the hearts of sincere Christians who suffer from this sin.

Cynthia Davis/Co. Founder

I am back to talk about  Idolatry,  as it relates to pride, which is at the heart of being a people pleaser and is an insidious thing.  Like a cataract that slowly covers the eye of its victims, pride keeps us from seeing our sins, thus preventing us from properly dealing with them.  I want to make it clear that I am focusing on women in this article, but men suffer from this as well.  So before I go on, I must tell you that as a counselor I have struggled to accommodate my counselees, rather than confront (Albeit gently) them.  I have been careful to understand why I have done that from time to time so that I can truthfully address my problem.  In my search for the truth as it concerns my inner struggles, I have been able to identify where I have personally struggled with idolatry.

So today I come not just as a counselor professionally helping you to find your struggles with it, but I can passionately talk about it, as it has been a place I have been.  As you looked at the article last week, how did you answer the questions I gave you?  Be honest!  Maybe some of you didn’t fair so well and maybe some of you did better than you thought you would. Because the problem is rooted in pride, and pride is endemic to every human heart, each of us will, in varying degrees, struggle with the temptation to be a people –pleasers.  So don’t be discouraged with how you came out of the questions, and don’t be proud of yourself if you answered the questions well.  The real test of your answers will come as we take a closer look at characteristics of a people-pleaser.

I would like to make an important point about idolatry before we go further in this discussion.  There are always two sides to a coin, so there are usually two sides to idolatry.  The first side involves neglecting God.  The other side involves replacing Him with a cheap substitute.  The “tails” side says, “Inordinate Fear of Losing Something” People who love money fear losing their wealth.  Those who love to be in control fear being unable to control the circumstances and people that surround them.  The person who loves pleasure is often afraid of missing out on opportunities to gratify his fleshly desires. As with any other form of idolatry, the sin of people –pleasing also has two sides.  For the people-pleaser, love of man’s approval are accompanied by the flip side of the coin: fear of losing someone’s approval (or respect, or favorable opinion), or fear of being rejected, or sometimes even fear of conflict.  Keep this in mind as you evaluate your own struggle with people-pleasing.

Desire for Approval 

Fear of Rejection

Take some time to meditate on the two sides of Idolatry.  I want to take you slowly through this so that you can understand the extent of sin in your life, that these truths will be convicting to you.   You see most of us would never change the things in our lives that are out of sync with God’s Word apart from being convicted of our sin.  Of course conviction is a small part of change.  Indeed all Scripture  is useful for doctrine, for conviction, for correction, and for discipline training in righteousness ( 2 Timothy 3:16).

It may seem like I am not being sympathetic to you, by using such a rather severe approach to urge you to change, but it is actually a very loving approach.  The truth is what we will be discussing in this series is not a sickness (or a psychological disorder) for which there is no cure; it is not a genetic predisposition that you as a Christian will be forced to live with for the rest of your life.  It is simply a sin! And Jesus Christ came to do away with our sin.  That is where the gospel comes in.   To help you see your problem as a sin is one of the most hopeful things I can do for you because there is a powerful cure for this type of problem – the gospel of Jesus Christ.

We will discuss next time how to diagnose the spiritual disorder of people-pleasing.

Remember:   For Christ died for sins once for all, the just for the unjust, so that He might bring us to God, having been put to death  in the flesh, but made alive in the spirit…..(I Peter 3:18)

Cynthia Davis/Co. Founder