This is definitely a great time for the epic spring cleaning, I use to do this all the time back in L.A basically I sort through all of my belongings then throw away items I’m not using or give away to the Salvation Army. As a kid my parents had my brothers and I do this all the dam time. I’ll admit I hated HATED HaTeD cleaning.

I would rather be playing outside or annoying my brothers with silly faces then to be cleaning up the stupid house. I think it what made it worse was how militant my father was about cleaning/organization. My pops has a tendency to extremely organized lol. My papa ran his house like a well oiled machine, everything had a place…EVERYTHING.

If something was on the floor and was not picked up TRASH! if an item was left on the table and put in its rightful place TRASH! Don’t even think about leaving your hair brush in the bathroom otherwise the next day you’ll be sure to find it in the TRASH! ( I lost a lot of brushes during my hairbrush rebellion, I was trying to infiltrate the bathroom with my hairbrush, combs and hair products.. sadly I lost the war due to funding).

It wasn’t until I moved out to live in my own apartment I had started to notice many of my father’s habits manifest itself through me. anything I found on the floor went straight to the garbage, old makeup, old clothes, shoes, socks, old bills, paper, containers. I love throwing everything away! I wonder if there is a disease for people who simply love to throw things out????… hmmm I’m constantly watching Hoarders on A&E and there are moments when I just want to possess the hoarder and be able to say THROW IT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL AWAY!!!

I’m so glad Spring is here!! Now I have to go to the store and stock up on some heavy duty garbage bags.

Last week I stumbled on Youtube these gems, called BBC Shakespeare Animated Series.  They had my favorites which were Macbeth, Hamlet, and Julius Cesar, King Richard III. What I loved most was the art work and animation. So of course that led into a few ideas of what I wanted to draw…

This was my basic layout, in pencil I guess you can say it was an Ode to Hamlet and Macbeth.

And this was the end product, manly oil pastels, watercolor and acrylics. So much layer of paint I never thought I would finish funny thing is that it had a top piece but for some reason I felt it wasn’t needed, so the top piece become a separate, I felt it could stand on its own. The theme is very different and it was inspired by a Sufi quote I heard. But I’ll go into more detail when that piece is finished.

1. NO…  it’s not calming or relaxing.. the last thing on my mind is happy, it more of mixture of what im feeling what I want to draw what I want objects to symbolize, what I want them to feel, how i want them to be expressed. I end up feeling like an angry tyrant trying to control the pencil and what I’m feeling.

2. NO .. I don’t think wonderful thoughts, in fact I become obsessed, consumed, immersed with what I’m drawing… for some reason Act V scene I in Macbeth always comes to mind whenever I start to think that way,

This is her very guise; and, upon my life, fast asleep. Observe
her; stand close.

DOCTOR.
How came she by that light?

GENTLEWOMAN.
Why, it stood by her: she has light by her continually; ’tis her
command.

DOCTOR.
You see, her eyes are open.

GENTLEWOMAN.
Ay, but their sense is shut.

DOCTOR.
What is it she does now? Look how she rubs her hands.

GENTLEWOMAN.
It is an accustomed action with her, to seem thus washing her
hands: I have known her continue in this a quarter of an hour.

LADY MACBETH.
Yet here’s a spot.

DOCTOR.
Hark, she speaks: I will set down what comes from her, to
satisfy my remembrance the more strongly.

LADY MACBETH.
Out, damned spot! out, I say!– One; two; why, then ’tis
time to do’t ;–Hell is murky!–Fie, my lord, fie! a soldier,
and afeard? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call
our power to account?–Yet who would have thought the old man to
have had so much blood in him?

DOCTOR.
Do you mark that?

LADY MACBETH.
The Thane of Fife had a wife; where is she now?–What,
will these hands ne’er be clean? No more o’ that, my lord, no
more o’ that: you mar all with this starting.

DOCTOR.
Go to, go to; you have known what you should not.

GENTLEWOMAN.
She has spoke what she should not, I am sure of that:
heaven knows what she has known.

LADY MACBETH.
Here’s the smell of the blood still: all the perfumes
of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand. Oh, oh, oh!

DOCTOR.
What a sigh is there! The heart is sorely charged.

GENTLEWOMAN.
I would not have such a heart in my bosom for the
dignity of the whole body.

DOCTOR.
Well, well, well,–

GENTLEWOMAN.
Pray God it be, sir.

DOCTOR.
This disease is beyond my practice: yet I have known those
which have walked in their sleep who have died holily in
their beds.

LADY MACBETH.
Wash your hands, put on your nightgown; look not so
pale:–I tell you yet again, Banquo‘s buried; he cannot come
out on’s grave.

DOCTOR.
Even so?

LADY MACBETH.
To bed, to bed; there’s knocking at the gate: come, come, come,
come, give me your hand: what’s done cannot be undone: to bed, to
bed, to bed.

I really been wanting to get back in the habit of doing some art work, nothing fancy but back to some basic sketches, drawings.. maybe even working with a bit charcoal. For some reason I do prefer to work with oil pastels however I’m all out of the color black  (extreme sad face)  NO I’M NOT DEPRESSED!  well  maybe I am but it doesn’t show in my art work. Or rather the color black used in my art doesn’t represent my depression but rather a sense of finding a way towards a solution a way of hope as opposed to emptiness and nothingness … does that make sense??

In any case, every time I bring out my sketchbook I seem to just stare at the blank page. ……………………………………………………nothing happens, no ideas, no thoughts, no visuals, no lights, no colors, no images, no pictures, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

I think I’m lacking inspiration : (

By the way, this was the last painting I did, at the end of last year,

A guilty conscience needs to confess. A work of art is a confession.

- Albert Camus

I’m still working on my list of books to read, being that my birthday is right around on the corner I’ve been racking my brain trying to compile of list of books I’ve been wanting to read. I would go to Barnes and Noble to buy them however, It’s a bit of a pain in the ass to get there, let alone how many people who are simply standing around yapping to their friends while standing in the narrow isles.  I prefer to buy my books either from The Strand or online from Amazon.com.  Amazon.com is amazing I can buy anything from that site, books, clothes, makeup , furniture, etc!!!

Anyway back to the list…. this is what I have so far…

1. For the Love of the Dark One: Songs of Mirabai -  Mirabai

2. Catching The Thread – Llewellyn Vaughan Lee

3. The Face before I was born – Llewellyn Vaughan Lee

4.  The story of Layla and Majnun- Nizami

5. Island beneath the Sea- Isabel Allende

That’s all I have for the moment … 

Happy Thanksgiving Week to everyone !!  I hope everyone doesn’t overload on the food, sometimes being a glutton isn’t always a good thing . lol  I won’t be going home to Los Angeles to celebrate with my family, I’ll be keeping  it low-key and doing some cooking here at home.  I normally can’t stand to cook, but since I don’t really have choice it’s either to starve or …. starve.. then I guess I’ll have to keep my big mouth shut and get my ass in the kitchen to cook.

I do miss eating with my family for Thanksgiving, I remember when I was young girl it use to be my grandmothers, and my family. I would remember Early Thursday mornings my mother waking up around 7 am to cook that blasted ass turkey.  She would spend the whole day slaving in that kitchen to make an awesome meal. I always tried to keep out-of-the-way .. not because I was a well-behaved child but mainly because I hated being in that inferno kitchen doing any thing cooking related.  I would either be watching t.v, usually all the awesome cartoons would be on all day, or some sort of t.v sitcom marathon .. for some odd reason The Addams Family would have an all day marathon on Thanksgiving.. I never saw the connection…. Thanksgiving.. Addams Family….hmmm ..???  I’m not seeing the correlation lol !!!

A Hundred Objects Close By

I know a cure sadness:

Let your hands touch something that

makes your eyes

smile.

I bet there are a hundred objects close by

that can do that.

Look at

beauty’s gift to us–

her  power is so great she enlivens

the earth, the sky, out

soul.

- Mirabai

…

Really?? Thanksgiving is next week!! Can’t people just hold off one more before the month-long of listening to sounds of repetitive   Xmas songs,  let alone the insanity of Xmas shopping.  Don’t get me wrong I do like Christmas time and this will probably be either the 3rd or 4th time I celebrate Christmas, I participate in decorating the apartment but that usually happens when its DEC 1st! lol

I had to really use the bathroom so I made my way into the Barnes and Noble, I usually don’t like going in because it’s filled with tons and tons of people just standing there … stagnate. M patience has a tendency to wear thin when people don’t know where the hell they’re going let alone just to simple stand in front everyone. GET OUT OF THE FUCKEN WAY!!  ok.. was I saying oh yeah… so after I used the bathroom, I made my way to the top floor which is the Fiction/lit. section, It’s been a while since I’ve read a good book, So I thought  …… HEY WHY DON’T I CREATE A LIST OF BOOKS TO READ FOR THE WHOLE FREAKIN YEAR YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!   I’m currently working on the list I plan to read about as many books as possible. I’m thinking of starting in December probably after my birthday.  If anyone has suggestions on books, please feel free to let me know.

I would never tell them the honest truth of how I felt about poetry let alone, how I felt about ‘THEIR” poetry. I would simply smile with a wide-eyed gaze as though I had just discovered a new world, then I would continue to nod my head and say “ooooohhh ahhh great job!”  I didn’t want to be mean or discourage them from writing however I couldn’t bring myself to say ” ughhh boring not interested please stop”.  lol    Not too long ago I had read a few poems from Rumi which I found to be very beautiful, but it was Hafiz that drew me in, there is something in his poem that were just bold…straight and to the point.  After reading Hafiz, my reading of poetry was satisfied until the other night. I had read a poem from Mirabai;

The Earth — My own body I explored

One night as I walked in the desert

the mountains rode on my shoulders

and the sky became my heart,

and the earth– my own body; I explored.

Every object began to wink at me, and Mira wisely

calculated the situation, thinking:

My charms must be at

their height –

now would a good time to

rush into His arms,

maybe He won’t drop me

so quick.

I mean tell me that isn’t freaking awesome!! such power of words and imagery, I am  very much hooked on to her poems.

“Three years went by and I had not

slept with a

man.

I consulted the moon about this

and she said,

it had even been longer

for her,

but she didn’t think she was

missing much.”

- Mirabai

I’ve been Alcohol free for the past 2 to 3 months .. I think I can’t really remember however at this very moment I am DYINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG..  to have one ! Just a small sip… a tiny one.. a little itty bitty sip of beer…

My main reason for not drinking is due to therapy, It seems as though my years of consumption of the deliciousness we call alcohol, I have abused it and  mainly due to feelings of depression. I never really drank to enjoy or have a good time but mostly to forget and escape  all my issues, problems, stress, and feelings. The list is endless :/   .. So while I am working through my mental problems I am not allowed to drink at all until I resolve all of my issues.  So far it hasn’t been to bad but for some reason this past week , let alone today I have been wanting to drink some beer.  I don’t mean just one or two, I’m in the mood to drink as many as humanly possible until I completely pass out and not remember a dam thing.

Luckly I haven’t done so   I have been drinking  more water than usual, sadly it doesn’t do the trick : / lol..

My day went pretty slow today, My eye is finally healing.. but for most of the time I wore my shades ,sporting a swollen bare eye to outside world isn’t very appealing.  I don’t have much to say but I thought I would share my favorite painting by Paul Albert Steck ( Ophelia Drowning ) …  I remember seeing this picture in an Art book when I was 17 and I thought, it was such an amazing art piece, it holds a lot of personal emotion to me on top of that the year before I had read Hamlet       ( great read by the way) so I thought I would share simply for the hell of it! 

” There’s a moon in my body…
There’s a moon in my body, but I can’t see it!
A moon and a sun.
A drum never touched by hands, beating, and I can’t hear it! ”      – Kabir

Sadly my eye infection has gotten worse, it seems to be traveling up onto the whole of my eye lid .. bleh! I am using a hot compress to reduce the swelling and this gooey clear antibiotic to kill the infection. However I  can’t see a dam thing out of my left eye.   Yet here I am still blogging lol I sure am  trooper

Over the years I’ve been asked this same question  by several different people…..   ” Are you Happy?”  Now usually this question is asked in the context of my life.    Being that I picked up and moved to NYC about 7 years ago, I’ve been away from family and friends.  You start to really wonder who  you truly are especially when you live far away from your comforts.    So of course I’ve been asked ” Karina are you Happy?” this is usually from people who are back home…  I’m going to be quiet honest.. I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME STUPID QUESTION!  After all how can someone sum up their struggles, achievements, aspirations, opportunities, and most of all experiences in one freaking word .. let alone the word ‘HAPPY”  there are ways of using that question.. for example:

Karina are you happy about the new Cajun fries at Popeye’s?” OH HELL YEA I’M HAPPY THEIR FREAKING DELICIOUS!

or

Karina ” are you happy that your mom bought you that coat that is 3 times bigger then your size ?” NO because I feel I’m wearing an armor but at least layering for the winter wont be a problem!.

or

Karina ” Are you Happy, that Thanksgiving is right around the corner ?”  YES, time for great deals on shopping and going broke !!! wooo awesome!

It’s ridiculous to think ” are you happy ” questions to  (applying it to your life, relationship, and spirituality) those are subjects that are immensely complex. It is impossible to answer it with a simple Yes… or No.

I JUST LAUGH
~ by Kabir (c. 1440-1518)

If I told you the truth about God,
you might think I was an
idiot.

If I lied to you about the Beautiful One
you might parade me through the streets shouting,“This guy is a genius!”

This world has its pants on backwards.
Most carry their values and knowledge in a jug that has a big hole in it.

Thus having a clear grasp of the situation
if I am asked anything these days

I just laugh!

UGHHHHHH!!!  What’s more annoying than waking up with a allergies…  A SWOLLEN LEFT EYE!!

yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss HIGH FIVE!!

It started  last night when I was on my home I could feel my left eye starting to swell and it made me a bit nervous. Mainly because I hate it when people stare at me.  I’m not sure what it is exactly but I have tendency to notice people on the train staring at me all the time. Who knows maybe there is something odd or strange on my face :/ ….Well whatever the hell it is or could be I find it terribly freaking ANNOYING!

I figured I would use a boiling hot compress to put on my eye, usually that takes care of swelling.  I thought for sure it would be smaller this morning..  NO!  Instead I wake up to not only a searing pain in my left eye but It’s swollen shut! I look like Biggie smalls! I have one fucked up eye while the other eye is normal!  It hurts to see, hurts to blink, hurts to move my eye around.   I don’t have pink eye, basically I have a stye in my eye HAHAHAHAHa that rhymes … uhm yeah so I have a stye in my left eye. I’ve always had this eye problem since I was a child. My eyes have a tendency to collect a lot of dust, to which I have to constantly clean them. My apt is a very dusty place I live near a Tile factory so no matter how much I dust, sweep and mop there is always some sort of dust that will attack my apt. EVIL DUST!  I’m on to your EVIL plan!! I DON’T APPROVE!!!    I just have to put a hot compress on my eye for most of the day.. maybe even wear an eye patch.  Not because I need it but I just think eye patches are cool! what’s even cooler is the eye cataract shades that most grandma’s sport when they just come from the optometrist.  I always wanted a pair …..

So I did some self research, went around asking close friends and Artists what they thought about ” A picture being picture, with no meaning”. The great thing is that I had an overwhelming response of people who feel it to be impossible for that happen.  I was pleased with my findings. I knew I wasn’t crazy !!!

It turns out my 10 year High School reunion is this week.  Sadly (pretending to be sad)  I won’t be attending ….. However I did started thinking about how much I’ve changed over the span of 10 years. I was actually curious about going and seeing other people but the more I thought about it the more I realized all the important I really do want to see I’m already in contact with..

I always wonder if in any way have  I changed much from being a crazy, ballsy, angry, idealistic, 18-year-old

This is my graduation picture

to a…..

crazy, insanely ballsy, not as angry, realistic 28  year old soon to be 29 at the end of this year.

HOLY SHIT I’M GOING TO BE 29 … I feel old!

OK… so I have returned from Construction…

Basically I had some personal issues I needed to work through which always makes my day YEAHHHHHHHH!

but now I returned to my normal self .. in fact I came up with an idea. I have a tendency to be consistent with my inconsistency especially with the blog.  So I figured a great way to fix that is to force myself to blog every single freaking day for 365 days.  Its kind of like a bet I made with myself,  I’m not exactly what I’ll be blogging about everyday but its worth a try. 

By the way.. I was wondering if its possible for a  picture to simple be a picture and have no meaning???…. hmmm.. A friend of mine brought that to my attention the other day.    He had posted up a picture of his favorite animal  growling,  in my mind i immediately thought that maybe he was angry or something had upset him.  However he felt that I had jump to conclusions and said he simply put the picture up because it was cool and had no meaning.  He went on to say that a picture is just a picture with no meaning. …

How true is that really….. After all people have a tendency to place attachment towards an animal, location, country, objects, symbols, and especially in pictures.   Is it possible for a picture to simply just be a picture?????

hmmmmmmm………

will return when “happy place” comes back.

very very very verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry angry!

Not only are my neighbors loud construction worker ghosts, but they seem to be fantastic break dancers at 2 AM!!!!!!!

<——- Sammy ( very excited driver)

<====== Dave ( passenger severely injured)

Now for all of you who don’t know Dave & Sammy, (dave is my significant other and Sammy is his younger sister)   About a couple of years ago Sammy had gotten her driver’s license, however she hasn’t had much practice of being able to drive, she’s had to borrow her father’s car. He drives a Ford Explorer, which she  uses  to man handling when she is driving. It seems the past few times she has rented 4 door coupe with Dave… Dave for some reason ends up with a concussion and whip-lash from her driving.

Aside from DAve having lumps upside his head, I’ve come to arrive that there is a Shower Conspiracy in

the apartment below me ,and there are construction worker ghosts in the apt. above me….

Now I know what you’re gonna say… Your going to ask me questions like:

1.Karina is that suppose to be a sketch of you?  “why yes ..yes it is!”

2. Karina why is her smile crooked I mean its impossible for anyone to have smile like that??!!

” well yes that is true but I feel having a crooked mouth adds character, plus I drew it in marker and  I wasn’t able to erase it. “

hmmm I’m guessing those aren’t the questions you had wanted to ask…

Basically I’ve been doing some Hardy Boys detective work, now that I have my new sexy black trench coat oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sassssy!

See that’s suppose to be me again except now that I have my sexy black detective trench coat I’m cuter…

<===== see bigger eyes but with detective eyelashes making it sexy and sassy..

uhm.. yeah.

So I had noticed each time I decided to take a shower…. it seems that my neighbor who lives in the pits of hell (below me) has decided to take revenge on me by disturbing my water temperature when I shower.   I know it sounds crazy but, I swear it must be because every single time I’m taking a shower, and I have the water temperature just right to a lovely relaxing warm degree, I’ll then hear a repeated flush of the toilet from downstairs. Not just once at least 3 to 5 times in a row!! since the piping is connected, my paradise of warm water then turns into a  cold as fuck ice block which lasts a good 15 mins then back to my welcoming warm water paradise.  At first I didn’t think much of it but then I started to realize each time it  happened.  I know its her!!! She’s evil………… pure evil…simply EEEVILLL!  ok maybe not but she is definitely one old crabby ass lady!

Which leads me to my neighbors who live above me , Now I don’t know who the hell lives above me, however I do know  that they must wear heavy heavy bricks for shoes, also  they love to do judo drops at odd hours of the day and night. It’ll start around midnight I can hear the Brontosaurus  footsteps walking around, then at about 9 am is when the Judo drops begin or their having Smack Down going on because these are some big loud ass body dropping thumps. What’s strange about it, is that most of the year I won’t hear any sounds from above in fact I won’t hear a damn thing, hell I didn’t even think anybody lived up.  Who ever or whatever the hell it is NEEDS TO SHUT F@#K UP!!!!  thank you

I seem to find the words 2nd grader funny lol

Dave had to go to sleep early since he had to wake up at the rise of dawn to shower, pack and then run out the door to catch the bus.   I on the other decided I would be sooooooooooooooo awesome to stay up late, even possibly wake him up so that way I can spend a little time with him at the crack of dawn before he left to catch the bus. I usually stay up pretty late but, once 2 am rolled around I felt myself becoming increasingly  tired. I could feel eyes immensely heavy… I just kept telling myself stay up damn it! stay up damn it!!! I SAID STAY UP AREN’T YOU FUCKEN HEARING ME STAY THE FUCK UP!!

It seemed my body agreed as well as my brain and we stayed up until 5 am by that time I dragged myself to bed in which dave quite easily sprung out of bed and was chirpy like one of those annoying little freaking birds outside my window…. you know the kind that wont shut the fuck up…. . (what was i talking about again).. oh yeah …….

after I dragged my tired carcass to bed I don’t exactly remember what happened next but I do know I completely passed out to only remember waking up at 8 am in a haze of panic of WHERE THE FUCK AM I ??? WHO AM I?? WHAT DAY IS IT??? AND WHERE THE HELL IS DAVE?? WHY DO I KEEP WALKING SIDEWAYS???? WHY IS IT SO HOT IN HERE???????

while I stood there for a few minutes trying desperately to remember the events of what happened before I passed out, my dogs simply sat there staring at me …. as though I’m some freaking idiot.  At some point I threw myself on the couch… I kept thinking in my mind I had something important I had to do…. WHAT WAS IT??? OHYEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH  to which I shouted STAY UP!!!

Now I don’t know why I felt I had to stay up, but I figured at this point it was for something really important and I had to do it nonetheless.  At this point it was already 10 am, HMMM what can I do ???I KNOW I’LL BE PRODUCTIVE !!!  I made myself a small list of things do for the day.

LIST OF SHIT TO DO FOR THE FREAKING DAY!! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

1. walk happies

2. go to Walgreens buy stuff

3. tidy the apt.

4. take out trash

5. blog

6. call das mom

7. wash the stupid dishes

8. put away the dumbass laundry

9. mop the retarded floor

10. try to sleep

since  the day was beautiful I thought OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH let me walk happies now then I can head over to Walgreens, maybe pick up some lunch ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh it’ll be so nice for me to take it easy.   Walking happy did go well, so did going to Walgreens .. I did pick up some lunch …. I took out the trash….I called my mother but she was a bit busy.. hmmmm what to do oh my blog ok… so I blogged … what next ……………………………………………………………………… well I don’t feel like doing the laundry, or dishes or floor and im not sleepy……… I KNOW  NETFLIX AND YOUTUBE!!!  by the time 2 am rolled around I felt myself become tired once again yet I could easily go to sleep.

yet for some strange reason my body wouldn’t let me. It was as if my body decided to say FUCK YOU KARINA … YOU WANTED TO STAY UP LATE NOW YOU GOT IT!  HA HA HA! NO SLEEP FOR YOU ASSHOLE!

which made me a bit frantic because I just laid there in bed exhausted yet I couldn’t sleep! I sang songs, counted sheep, played UNO on my phone.  Dam it nothing worked   I dragged myself out of bed, to only sit on the couch and watch shitty movies on Netflix. Once again 8 am rolls around, I can feel my mind going crazy, my head is feeling heavy and eyes feel as though someone has repeatedly beaten them just for the hell of it.  I can’t think straight but, happy needed to pee so I thought I would throw myself out into the world for the sake of Happies need to pee pee  all over the street.  As I”m walking/stumbling up the street I start to notice this…

No that’s not chili or a beef pattie that is a big, humongous pile of doggie crap on the street, I actually almost stepped into it, luckily Happie was paying attention more than I was and decided to drag me in another direction.  However that wasn’t the last time I encountered the chocolate doody mess, In fact down the entire street about 6 to 7 steps there were pillars of doggy chocolate squirts. It was like Happies and I were Hansel and Gretel and the only way to get home was the large cabin logs of shit leading down to my apartments.

At this point my brain, and body were not making any sense and I think they were arguing with each other.  I’m pretty sure my brain called my body an Asshole for not letting me sleep.. stupid body! : S

I sat again, not sure knowing what to do .. I then began to feel restless which lead me into a cleaning frenzy, moving furniture dusting, sweeping. I completely changed my furniture around thinking ” hey once I’m done I’ll feel tired and then I can sleep YAY!’  WRONG WRONG WRONG !  Once I finished at sat down my body did feel tired but my brain was immensely active so just to get back at my body for staying awake it decided I’M NOT GONNA LET YOU SLEEP EITHER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TAKE THAT JERK OFF! sigh…    which has left me …

see the cuteness..

I can’t help it! I can’t put my finger on what  exactly it is about men’s casual clothes that just make me sooo happy…. Maybe its the material, or the size or even the comfort factor but, whenever I’m having a low-key day I’ll simply throw on my over the years collection of men’s clothing I’ve taken from men that have or were in or still is in my life and wear them….  I usually pair it with messy crazy hair lol. HEY ITS A LOW KEY DAY OK!!!!! geez can’t look cute all the dam time!

more cuteness!!

I think this love started when I was a young girl. My mother worked most of the time and my father along with my two older brothers use to take care of me.  Usually on the weekends I would look very girly, my mother would fix my long hair into braids or

my grandmothers would make sure I would wear super cute clothing. My mother loved to dress me up like a little doll, I had the cute flowery dress which matched shoes that matched the socks that matched the hairdo that matched the purse and all that other crap that goes along with looking like a cute little girl. I’d say all that lasted up until I was in 2nd grade. My father had started working full-time and my grandmother’s weren’t able to

the insanity of cuteness!!!!!

travel so much to take care of me, so my brothers would help me. lol Last thing a young girl needs is a two much older brothers trying to dress their young little sister as a girl…. WHICH TURNED INTO AN EPIC FAIL!!  My mother would lay out the clothes I was supposed to wear in the morning for school, however I remember the ugly bright colors and the thought of wearing those clothes to be terribly uncomfortable !….. so I began dressing Tom Boy.  Thanks to my brothers size XL white t-shirts and baggy jeans! OH how I loved mens baggy jeans !!! the jeans were so huge I could swim in the them and the shirts were pretty much down past my knees but i loved it!!  My hair always seemed to be a problem I couldn’t quite get the handle of combing it, so my oldest brother Eric would brush my hair and make it into the most tightest, slicked pony tail I’ve ever had in my life!   I could swear I looked like Steven Segal. not only was i ready for school but i was ready to break arms just like Segal! YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!   It was then i started slowly making my collection of mens wear. I would take clothes from my brothers and wear them… as I got older I began to rummage through my father’s closet and drawers and found some pretty cool clothes, even shoes!!!! my father has a small frame as well as shoe size, I have a gigantic foot for a girl :/   I’m about the same shoe size as my father … (for example :  I’m a size 9 in women’s but in men’s I’m a size 7 1/2)  So my father is a size 8 I can more or less fit into his shoes! WHICH I DID!! lol

I took many of his button up shirts and polo’s, hoodies, socks.. I then started turning to my friends clothing mainly my friends who were males !!! I would “borrow” a few items mainly baggy t-shirts that i loved.  I can’t help it!! I wear Dave’s clothing, he hates it though he’ll roll his eyes or give me a dirty look when I decided to step out wearing his shirts, or hoodies. In fact this past trip from California, I stayed with my parents for a few weeks, and I took some t shirts from my father lol,  I then stayed at my brother’s house for a few more weeks, I then proceeded to take some t shirts from both brothers and while I did I was checking out my nephew’s closet as well lol, ( he’s 16 and loves to wear XL)  however his feet are too big so I guess that mean’s no new shoes for me boooo!

I can’t help lol I just really like shopping! Its fun and especially if are items are on sale or clearance with discounts I can shop all freaking day!

Anyway…………. I seem to be doing much better with my anxiety‘s even though there are times when I simply can’t leave the stupid apartment.  It seems a lot of my anger, well mainly suppressing my anger tends to come back as panic. Which usually never helps me cope, I end up wanting to hide in a little corner and hope that feeling passes.  I’m not sure as to why I suppress my anger, I always get the impression that being upset is a something negative as though it’s a bad thing.  The great thing though is that I’m learning to actually accept my anger and just let it be.  I figure as long as I’m not beating or killing anyone while I’m angry then I should be ok lol.