Thom Singer, from Austin, Texas and author of the blog Some Assembly Required had a rant going today about Linked In and the attitudes of folks who think they deserve to link to you just because … well, just because they want to.

Personally, I only link to people I know OR to people who are one person removed from me whom I’ve been advised that I should get to know.  That advice always comes from a person that I already know from a F2F encounter.  (F2F = Face to Face)

Some would think that you should link to everyone and anyone.  I say not so.  Here’s why.  I truly believe that people do business with people that they know, like, and trust.  And trust is the most important ingredient in that statement.

Here’s why you should not link to just everyone nor to anyone who asks.  Your name is on the line.  The assumption that people who are 1 degree either separated from you or 1 degree close to you (depending on how you look at things) are people that you would recommend to someone else.  These are usually people that you know, like, and trust.  Not always.  But most of the time.

People who are in your immediate sphere know you.  For the most part they like you.  And many of them trust you.

People who are 1 step away from your immediate sphere probably know “of you.”  They may have heard about you from a friend or acquaintance but they don’t truly know you.  They don’t know whether they like you – but if their friend likes you, they’ll be more inclined to like you.  They also don’t know if they can trust you – but once again, if their friend trusts you, they are much more likely to trust you than if they didn’t have the friend to connect the dots for them in this puzzle called life.

And, right there is the reason that I don’t let people that I don’t know into my circle by linking to me in a social networking situation.  I don’t know them well enough for them to be using my name to gain access to the people that do rely on me to give good contacts.

My word, my trustability is everything to me.  If “You are your Brand” is true, then my brand is that people can rely on me to tell them the truth about whether someone else is worth knowing, liking, and trusting. 

I will not take a chance on destroying my credibility to make some stranger who has asked to link to me happy.

OK, so what is the “stinking thinking on linking” all about?

Here it is.  Most people who want to link to someone else without creating the relationship first to deserve the link are engaged in lazy, stinking thinking.  They think that they deserve what they want just because they want it.  And when they don’t get it, well aside from the fact that they’ll probably never “get it”, they often attack the person who is withholding what they want by saying that the person is not a team player, or not a good networker.  And the stinking thinking is that a good networker would never pass on an unknown entity into his or her network because a good networker knows the value of the network and the value of his or her word.

People who want to link to other people without a true connection are just looking for shortcuts … and the people who grant them their wishes are actually providing easy access and ultimately short circuiting the work they’ve done to establish valued connections and endangering the trust that they’ve taken months and years to build.

Your network is one of your largest assets.  Treat it that way.  You would not give the keys to your house to some stranger that emailed you and asked if he could come and stay for 2 weeks.  Don’t give away the keys to your network so easily either.

Small talk is exactly that.  It is small.  It appears to be engaging.  But it isn’t.  I think small talk is lazy thinking in process.

Small talk is usually about the weather… or traffic … or your favorite (or not so favorite) local sports team.  Small talk is also usually all about OJ Simpson’s latest bad press moment or some other silly nonsense that does nothing to help you learn anything at all about the person that you are talking with.

Could we all just agree to have ONE day without small talk?

How about if we engaged in BIG talk?

What is BIG talk? 

Big talk is when you ask someone questions that show that you are interested in the “big picture” for them.  When you are interested in learning about someone … you simply want to know more about what makes them tick, what is important to them, what is it that ultimately makes their heart “sing.”

The keys to BIG talk are 2 fold. 

First, you must ask engaging questions.  Like, “Jane, tell me, what is the one thing you like most about _________?” (fill in the blank with whatever it is that Jane does.)  Or, when John tells you he does Pet Portraits, you can ask “That’s interesting, John, what is the most challenging portrait you’ve ever taken?”

These kind of questions usually get “BIG” responses because the person you are talking to can tell that you are interested in knowing more about them than the average networking encounter. 

And, you can keep that conversation going for as long as you want by simply saying things like, “really? Tell me more” or “wow, can you explain that further?” 

The second key to Big Talk success is to listen more and talk less. 

That’s right.  Big Talk only works if you listen to the answers. 

If you interrupt, interject, or finish someone’s sentences for them – you may as well be engaged in small talk because you will have created a disconnect with your non-listening actions. 

Aside from your smile, the greatest gift that you can give easily to another person is to listen and hear what they are saying.  When you do this, you have emotionally engaged the other person and you are fast on your way to the liking part of the knowing, liking, and trusting phases of networking.

One last tip.  No one-upping!  If you have asked someone a question and they are telling you a fabulous story and they are feeling really good about themselves in the moment, the quickest way to blow the glow is to one-up the person with your own self patting on the back. 

Save it for another time.  Or call your mom after the event and let her pat you on the back.  Be the bigger person and let your new friend have the spotlight.  They’ll remember you always as the person who cared enough to ask BIG questions and even more importantly – that you listened!

In my mind, there was no contest between the 2 houses.  And the curb appeal was not limited to just the favored house… the neighborhood also had superior curb appeal as well.  The homes were all kept in a highly maintained state and you could tell that in this neighborhood there was true pride in ownership.

That experience got me to thinking about personal curb appeal and group curb appeal.

When you attend a networking event, you are there to make connections that will be of mutual benefit down the road for both parties.  You are out there teaching people about you, your business, and … well mostly you are selling yourself – first and foremost. 

People make buying decisions long before they actually decide to buy.  And, before you earn the right to sell someone your product of service you have to have shown that you are a person that they can get to know, learn to like, and eventually trust.  You’ve heard it many many times and it is true… people buy from people they know, like, and trust.

You are your own brand.  You know this.  You are a walking, talking billboard for your business.  And, you are very much like a house that is for sale.  You need to pay attention to what your curb appeal is saying about you.

Some tips for improving your curb appeal at networking events.

• SMILE – A smile is the brightest gift that you can give to another person.  It says that you are a friendly person.  It makes people feel comfortable to be around you.  It is like the sign by the door that says “welcome.”
• Dress appropriately for the occassion.  Most networking events are business related – so dress appropriately.  It is not appropriate to wear jeans or sweats to a professional or business networking event.  Your curb appeal will stand out like a sore thumb if you ignore the dress code of the group that you are networking with.  Your first impression will be that you are unprofessional and this is not what you want others to think of you.  They will end up “driving by” and not wanting to “get inside” to see what you are all about.
• Attention to your attitude.  An upbeat attitude will always improve how people “see” you.  When you are networking you should always leave your troubles behind.  You can waste time talking about the weather, the traffic, or your angst with the local sports team … all of these are in a negative vein and teach the other person that you focus on the aspects of life that can’t be changed.  It is a much better use of time and space when you ask questions about the other person – like “what’s the best thing that happened in your business last week?” or “what new habit have you put in place recently to add to your business success?” When you show this kind of interest in other people and then truly listen to the answers, your curb appeal improves 1000%.

Just like a beautiful home in a well maintained neighborhood, you’ll want to make sure that you are networking with people who also maintain a higher standard for themselves and for their businesses.  You are known by the company you keep.  And in networking, where referrals are the ultimate goal, you want to be sure that the people you are networking with are willing and able at some point in time to engage with you in the knowing, liking, and trusting process.  You want to be around high energy, professional people who have positive attitudes and who are willing to learn about others, share resources and ideas, and give support to each other when it is needed. 

So be the best you can be, and network with those who are uplifting and encouraging in spirit. 

 You won’t be the house on the market that never gets any showings … you’ll find your curb appeal says “come on in and see what’s special” and you’ll have people eager to talk with you!

What a treat I found recently in the ezine that came into my mailbox and I would love to share this movie with you.  The movie is about 2 minutes long and it is all about the joys of selling and connecting.

I think everyone should watch this little movie right before they head out to network … it would serve as a reminder that those who give first benefit the most from networking!

Here’s what Bob Burg had to say about the art of selling:

“Personally, I think of selling as the most positive aspect of business. We all have products and services that enrich our lives, that we need, want and even love. The fact is, we love to buy and we love to own – and it often takes a sales person to educate us and help us connect our needs and desires with the benefits that those products and services provide our lives. This not only benefits us personally, it also provides the basis for a vibrant and growing free market economy.

Selling is giving – giving time, education, advice, counsel, value – and the more you give, the more you get.”

Here’s the link to the video….enjoy!

http://www.theartofsellingmovie.com

If you are the perpetrator of this kind of behavior, my friend, you are not networking you are prospecting.  And, probably not getting the kind of results that you had hoped for.

Both sides of this equation come away from a Networking event thinking that “networking doesn’t work for me.”  Of course it doesn’t – but then this is not networking.  It’s not even selling in any kind of a good way.  Why?  Because people who initiate a sales presentation on another person they’ve just met can’t possibly have done the homework that would lead to a good outcome for both parties.  AND this kind of selling is all about desperation.  No one likes to be around desperate sales people.

I liken it to dating.  You’ve seen it on TV or in the Movies – heck, many of us have seen it up close and personal.  The guy or gal who is so desperate to get a date that they over compensate.  They talk too much.  They push too hard and too fast.  They are clearly thinking only of themselves as a matter of fact, they talk only of themselves.  Folks like these want to BE in relationship without going through the stages of building relationship. 

To be good at sales, you need to be good at building relationships.

In case you’ve seen yourself in this description, there is hope for you.  Here are a few tips to ease your pain (and for those around you).

Talk less.  Listen more.
Ask interesting questions about the other person.
Be interested in the answers.
Don’t try to turn the conversation toward your product.
That can come later.

People do business with people they know, like, and trust.

There are no shortcuts to trust.  It takes time.

Enjoy the ride, slow down, and let networking take its course!

Do you realize that more than 90% of people do not follow up with the people that they meet? 

Think about that a moment.  How many people have you met in the last month?  How many of those followed up with you with more than the perfunctory email?  How many of those have you followed up with? 

More to the point … when was the last time that you did something memorable in your follow up with someone you met at an event? 

Melissa Wadsworth, with Wadsworth Communication is excellent at this!  I’m almost spoiled by the fabulous and heartwarming note cards that she sends to me on a frequent basis.  You can bet that she keeps “top of mind” awareness with me!  And, rest assured that I  know who Melissa Wadsworth is because of her follow up skills. 

With so few people actually bothering to follow up … do you see how easy it would be to be a STAR and create your own lasting impressions? 

There are a number of ways to do your follow up.  It is ok to send an email as a follow up – but that’s not very memorable – you’ll want to do more than that! 

You can do hand written notes or greeting cards.  You can send clippings from the news that you think the person you just met would be interested in.  Whatever you do decide to do, though, you should have a system in place for getting it done. 

One thing to remember:  Always make your follow up about them and not about you.  Remember the What’s In It For Me that everyone has on their mind.  Be memorable because you are thoughtful about the other person … not that you are looking to sell them something.  That comes later! 

People do business with people they know, like, and trust.   It also helps if they can REMEMBER who you are!  So many folks talk about “it’s not what you know, it’s who you know” AND I say it’s not even that.  It really is about “who knows and remembers YOU”.

So, how DO you go about making that lasting impression?

Well, first off, you’ll want to make sure that the FIRST impression that you make is a good one.  How do you do that?  Here are some tips:

· Be prepared

· Have your networking tools with you at all times (like your business cards and a pen)

· Pay close attention to your appearance – you are a walking billboard for your business

· Arrive Early

· Be upbeat – leave your troubles far behind

· Be a connector

· Listen more than you talk

· Look for ways to help others more than looking for ways to help yourself

· Give without keeping score

Attention paid to these tips will help you to make an excellent first impression!

If you think about that, you’ll know it to be true for you too. If you have to choose between doing business with an unknown entity or with someone you know, like, and trust – my guess is that you will choose to do business with the latter.

But what if you have to choose between someone you know and like but don’t trust and someone that you don’t know? Is it still a “slam dunk” decision? What is your comfort level with someone when you are not sure that you can trust them to perform? You know them. You like them. But you are a little iffy on the trust part. That “little iffy” is the difference. And it’s not a “little” thing. Trust is huge.

5 Tips for Building Trust

Be honest with yourself and with others
Follow through on your promises
Walk your talk
Act in the best interest of others – look for the win/win
Always take the “high” road

Do these 5 things consistently and you’ll not only build trust with others, you’ll also build goodwill and trust with yourself!

When I talk with people about the “wallflower” syndrome, I almost always get nods of recognition.  Nearly everyone admits to feeling, at some point in time, that they would like to just fade in to the wallpaper and disappear rather than strike up a conversation with new people at an event. 

I’m always curious about this.  And lately, I’ve been asking questions about what triggers this behavior in people.  The answer that comes back again and again is: shyness.  Another response is, “I never know what to say”.  While many more folks admit to being overly self conscious.  And, I think it most likely is a combination of all 3. 

The funny thing about this is these really shy people have made it to an event.  They came.  They showed up.  And bravo for them because the #1 most important thing about networking is “showing up”.  And then, their fear takes hold of them and they realize that they are exposed and some mechanism kicks in which causes them to try to become invisible.  They become one with the wallpaper – hence the term “wallflower”.

Really shy people can help themselves most by taking several steps to decrease their level of anxiety.  Here are some ideas that I’d like to share with any “wallflower don’t wanna be’s anymore”.

1. Have a plan in mind for each event you attend.  That means have a goal.  What do you want to achieve at each event?  Do you want to meet someone in particular?  Are you looking for someone who can help you find a resource?  Are you interested in learning about a special subject?  When you have a goal and a purpose, you will be less focused on yourself.
2. Practice a 15, 30, and 60 second introduction for yourself.  And, I do mean practice.  There are resources online to help with this.  There are specialists who can drill it down to the most basic for you.  Google the term “elevator speech” and you’ll have plenty of places to learn from.  When you have a good elevator speech, you’ll feel confident that you’ll know how to answer the dreaded question, “So, what do you do?”
3. Practice asking thoughtful questions.  When you focus on the other person, it’s pretty hard to be self conscious!  Ask the “ex” questions: example, explain, expand.  Here.  You could say something like this, “That was interesting, could you explain what you mean in more detail?” Or, “I’ve never thought of it that way, could you expand on how that works?”   These kind of questions draw the other person out into a deeper conversation.  Just remember to ALWAYS listen for the answer … there is nothing more impolite than asking a question and then not listening.
4. Practice your exit lines.  Shy people are often unsure of how to gracefully end a conversation. So make your life easier and have a few “pat” exit lines ready for when you need them.  A good one is to simply say, “Thank you for your time, I’ve enjoyed chatting with you.  There are a few other people that I promised to visit with so I’m going to let you go now.  We’ll chat again another time.”  … and off you go. 
5. Be aware of other “wallflowers” in the room and go into “rescue” mode.  Nothing takes your mind off of yourself faster than helping another person.  Go over and introduce yourself.  Practice the above items and get into a conversation.  Then practice your exit line…and go find another person to talk to.  You could even back track to the first person and bring them over to introduce them to the next person.  Now you are in “host” mode and look at how much you are enjoying yourself!

These few pointers will get you started on the road to being comfortable with being VISIBLE at events.  It really is about getting comfortable in your own skin.  Practice may not make perfect but it will ease a shy person’s way … so step away from the wall … smile, and have some fun.

Most people look at those initials and think “Return on Investment”. With networking, you will find better results if you look at ROI and think “Return on Involvement”.

Let me give you several examples.

Jane Taker and Mary Giver both join a networking organization on the same day.

Jane rarely attends the functions or events. When Jane does attend an event, she arrives late, leaves early and barely talks to anyone while she is there. When Jane does talk, her talk is all about herself and she is openly pushing to make a sale during her interactions at the event. She is there only to “get” something and if she doesn’t “get” that certain something, she feels that she has wasted her time and money. People like Jane often say that they don’t “get” anything out of networking or they say “Networking doesn’t work for me.”

Mary attends as many functions as she can. She calls the leadership and asks how she can help. She volunteers at the registration table and takes great pride in helping others to feel welcome wherever she is. Mary arrives early to either help or spend extra time getting to know the other members. Even though she is shy, Mary knows that listening to others is a great way to get to know people and to help others begin to like her. Mary reaches out to others by helping to make connections, sharing resources, and being supportive. Mary’s outlook is upbeat and one of abundance. People like Mary and want to be around her. People similar to Mary often say that building relationships is very important to them. And, for people like Mary, the results in friendship, referrals, and business growth are measurable and satisfying.

The major difference between the 2 ladies? Mary got involved. Jane did not.

The net result? Mary grew her relationships first through her giving, her attitude of gratitude, and her vision of abundance. For Mary, the getting came later and in big ways. Some financial, some emotional, some too priceless to measure.

Jane quit the organization and joined a different one – the cycle will probably be repeated.

Both Jane and Mary spent the same amount of money on their membership.

Jane began by wanting a “return” on that investment – and quit shortly after when the “return on investment” did not pan out for her.

Mary began by realizing that if she got involved she would increase her top of mind awareness with the other members. She would gain visibility by helping others. Her involvement helped others to see her character and her commitment to getting things done by being helpful.

Helping others to see your character and commitment are the first steps to building the trust that is so important to building long lasting and mutually beneficial relationships.

Given the choice between focusing on ROI as “return on investment” or as “return on involvement”, I choose involvement every time.

The results are amazing!