I am back and I want to plug my new site, An Addicts Diary be forewarned this is a straight up addiction site with graphic language, and stories. I hope to provide an outreach for addicts and I have included addiction help sites since I am not a counselor. I just want to offer a safe place for addicts, their friends, family, and those concerned to freely speak without judgment. I will share my stories and struggles that I still have, while maintaining this site to keep you updated on where I am at in my journey.

Speaking of my journey, I went to the Psych about a week or two ago and she diagnosed my ADD. She said that she had diagnosed it sooner, but with addicts they have to evaluate and dig a little deeper because the medicine contains amphetamines. I knew that, she knew that I knew that, and to be honest I was hoping that I would score Adderall, a quick acting speed. Let me explain before you think that I was making it up to get some, I wasn’t. I have always had difficulty in the areas that I said I do, I also knew about the medicine and I was not fooling her. I think a part of me did not want to fool her, I was afraid that I would abuse it, no, I know that I would abuse it.

This was a weird situation for me. I felt like I was conning but in a reverse way. I really was concerned about my ADD, yet I knew about the medicine, so I did not want to push the subject because I did not want her thinking that I wanted the Adderall, which I would not have minded having. Strange, the mind of an addict is. Anyway she put me on this new experimental medication which is not a drug. It contains amphetamine but it does not turn into it until it hits your stomach acid. So you cannot actually snort it like you can Ritalin, or Adderall. And the amphetamine cannot be extracted from the medicine, since it is not in an active form until it mixes with your acids. It is time released, the person taking it does not realize when it kicks in and does not know when they have come down from it. There is not a crash as you get with speed. It lasts twelve hours, and I take it only when I need it, like when I am driving, studying, or in a social situation.

The first couple of days it helped me, I can still feel it helping sometimes but I am sure that she will adjust it as she sees fit. I was relieved and a little disappointed at the same time. But now I am just relieved. It feels good, even if it is just for a minute or two, to focus again. Noreen has it literally under lock and key. The doctor recommended this, and plus Noreen counts my pills and she found that I took two instead of one. She gives them to me when I need them. I admit I have looked for her hiding spot, but I found out she actually locked them up and she is the only one with a key. Good for her.

Well that is about it for today, or right now anyway. Thank you all for staying with me through my mental Dusty breakdown.

TD.

Today I helpeded at the school with my wife C. she was not there and they asked me to fill in. My actering name is Larry, I put on them glasses ands I teaches! I thinks that is the Prince of Pal that is talking. That is whoms he says he was anyway.   ENJOY!    Oh I will be gone for the weekend, that means Saturday and Sunday, eventhoughs dodn’t you think it is funny that sunday is the beginning of the week but it is part of the weekend? Have funs everybodies!

RD-The Acter

Fellow readers and blogger alike. I must say something as I take on this new venture in my tribute site. First off, I really do like Dusty, you might could say I even love the little preacherman. So anything I do here should be taken in the spirit it is intended. If Dusty chooses that I take it down I will. And I know that this will disappoint a lot of the readers out there, because I have so many readers you know. But as with all good things this will come to an end on it’s own someday. Sad I know, but let us enjoy what we have while we have it.

First off I really would like to say some good things about my friend and yours Rusty Dush. This will be the name I use to protect the innocent. Rusty took me under his wings and by his help I have grown immensely. I know that God put me in his path and he had no choice really but to trip over me. He has opened my eyes to scripture, a closer glimpse into God and His desire for us. He has shown me a way to commune with God through silence and prayer. He has become a close friend that has helped my journey in so many ways I cannot count them. If truth be told, and don’t let him know this because he will get the big head, I would like him to start blogging again. He has been a mentor to me, and someone that I look up to because he does not just preach or teach but he travels along with you. Struggling as we all do without hiding a bit of it. This is new to me in the way that I have seen other preachers as being unapproachable. He puts down his struggles and is able to take time to talk to anyone that needs it. And me being an introvert also, I understand that struggle. I believe he handles it with a desire to help that at times I would find hard to do.

Okay, so there is my little tribute to a man I am very happy to call my friend, brother, and confidante. With all of that said, I would like to hear some of your Dusty stories. Good ones, anything bad…well let us not put any bad stories or embarrassing ones on here, unless it is me doing it. In reality I wanted everyone to know how I really felt about Rusty lest any of you get the wrong idea. I poke at him, as I do a bear, carefully. Because he has power and he is not afraid to use it!

TD-100th Commenter

Welcome to the new Rusty Dush Blog! I have had so much fun commenting on Dusty’s blog and he is such a great guy. This is my tribute to him. I will dedicate Dusty using videos, pictures, and top secrets of the Rushman. This should be fun! Here are my first two videos dedicated to one of my best buddies! Rusty Dush!

TD-100th Commenter (on Dusty’s real blog)

I hope that everyone has a happy and safe Fourth of July!

TD-100th Commentor

You know I wrote my last post and almost forgot that today is my birthday! Wow, happy birthday to me! 43 years ago Mrs. Williams gave birth to a bouncing baby boy and they named him Douglas Archie Williams. Douglas because of General Douglas MacArthur and Archie after one of the best man in the world, my Grandfather. I was proud of my name, but because of the age of my middle name, I hid it for awhile. Only a select few ever knew it. Not that I was ashamed of my Granddad, but because it was an older persons name, and I knew that it would provoke Archie comic references and Archie Bunker references.

When I graduated High School my principal knew my Granddad as a good man, and when I asked that he leave off my middle name when he called on me, he rebuked me by saying he would not. When he announced my name during graduation practice the class laughed. Remember this was over 300 of my peers and I believe all of them were laughing. My principal looked across the room and said, “Doug was named after his Grandfather, and he is one of the best man that I have ever met. Any of you would be blessed to be named after such a man.” Oh man, my chest swelled and sank at the same time. He was right, I was blessed to have that name and I have never used it. I was always hiding it from everyone.

I know that my Granddad was proud that I was named after him, and I believe that he would have liked me to have used it at one time. My mom would use it when I got into trouble, so I heard it a lot, just did not go by it. Douglas Archie Williams! Was her cry, I knew that I was in trouble when I heard my middle name. I always thought that is what middle names were for. My Granddad told her that if see kept doing that then I will grow up thinking that is a cuss word. If so many people didn’t know me as Doug I would gladly go by Archie now. It is funny how we mature and we see reasons to things that we had no clue about in the past.

So, it is my 43rd birthday nothing special, no celebration really. Just having the kids around and being with family is really the best thing. If you see me you can call me Archie I will answer, it is not a bad word afterall.

D.

There are so many things that I would like to talk about that has been running through my mind. How drugs have ate away parts of my brain leaving me to have some mental issues, such as depression, anxiety, etc. I know this but it is hard to hear anyone tell me this. I have had an IQ test and while I scored above normal on it, I still feel insecure in my intellect. The growth that God has allowed and the understanding that my struggles with my past are a part of me. God has opened my eyes to the fact that this allows growth and allows me to help others that have not experienced what I have. He allowed me to come out of it stronger then some. Also He has allowed me to come out of it alive. I know a lot of people that did not make it out alive, I also know some that are walking vegetables. Instead of wondering anymore ‘Why me?’ I praise God in the fact that He chose me for so much more. I question still the reasoning behind it, but if I have picked one person out of the slime and garbage of this hell then I have done His will.

I still feel at times that I just want out of here. That I want Him to take me away from all of this temptation and sorrow that clutters my world. But I am coming more to a realization that this is selfishness on my part. Not wanting to stand up anymore and fight the good fight. Growing tired of not living by the worlds standard, and having to stand up for my belief that God is working. It is hard to even let your Christian brothers and sisters know that you have faith that God is working and that growth is coming in His time and it might not be as fast as we hope. I do all that I can do, and after that God does the rest.

I live one day at a time, everyday is an experience. It might be my faults drudged up from something I said in my past, coming back to haunt me. It might be withdrawals, I might wake up feeling depressed and hoping just to make it through the day. Some days it might be my back, or of course new problems arise that must be faced even though, at times, I do not have the energy to pick myself up and get it done. Sometimes it might be the best day of my life thus far. I never know, some days I dread, some days I relish the thought of being a part of it, even though they might turn out to be one of the worse. I guess looking at what I am saying I do not always live one day at a time. If I did the days that I dread would be taken as they are given until I see the outcome of what God has in mind. Same with the days I feel are going to be good ones.

Living one day at a time is really living hour by hour, minute by minute, and actually second by second. Accepting what God has to offer by grace or trials, and knowing that He will work all things to His good. He has taken care of me so far, so why doubt what His plan for me might be? We live in two worlds and we cannot have them both. We live in the life of the Spirit, and we live in the conception of men’s world. Men’s world has little to offer; impatience, jealousy, etc. Too much emphasis on our earthly idols such as: work, TV, news, gossip, items that will further our success in the eyes of men. We focus too much on the ways of the world and not allowing the ways of God. We are brought up in our misconception of what is always right and wrong, our misconception of this earthly realm and what God can truly achieve in our lives.

God can use any of us in any way that he sees fit. Rather we kick against it His will is important and it will be done. Rather we are far away from Him, or feel like we are close to Him, He allows us to be used to further His work. We release ourselves from the people that we have worked with and has walked away from us, they could not have walked away from God. If He works in them it wasn’t our work God used us in such a way that we cannot fathom. If He does not open the door for them exclusively, then He will use them in another way. We do not see how the work is done, or what it was, it is not always ours to know. Another one of men’s worldly ways is curiosity, which is not always a bad thing, but as with anything can be misused.

We usually use everything in moderation to excuse us to indulge in a little drink now and then, but we do not always think of it as our thoughts, or our actions. The feelings that we have are normal, but in moderation and with control are we able to strengthen our spiritual side.

As I said earlier thoughts are just rambling around in my head I pray that these rantings made some kind of sense. It helped me to put it out so that I might be able to see, I hope that some of this might have helped you, or if I was misguided in any of them that you might put me on the right track.

D.

Life happens to us constantly. You wake up thinking that the day will be the same old same old, and then BAM something happens to change your life forever. The tornadoes that went through the Boy Scout camp in Iowa, killing 5. The floods that are throughout the Midwest. People dying from natural causes and some from unnatural causes. The climate change, the wars, our society seem besieged with violence and selfish acts. New drug abuse, child abuse, divorce rate going up where we are no longer shocked when we hear about them, school shootings. I do not mean to sound like a doomsday prophet, or doomsayer. There is so much that we have to be thankful for, and most of our days are filled with joy.

It is when tragedy hits that we have taken everything else for granted, and we are not ready for the tragedies that befall us. Growing up I have always heard through every decade, the world is getting so bad, surely this is the end of time. Christ return is surely imminent. It is important to know that for one, men cannot destroy the earth, but we must do what we can. America is a loving Nation, even if that love is misplaced sometimes, but we are not the promised Nation. God’s message is for everyone, Iraq, Canada, Mexico, conformist, communist, and so on. Until we can look inward and stop looking outward, can we receive peace. We will always have struggles and questions of why. People suffer everyday with some sort of loss or devastation, some have been blessed to never experience any sort of horrendous thing, but it can happen any day.

Let us not take anything that God has given us for granted. Let us lean on Him and be thankful everyday, this means even if you are having a bad day at work, at the shopping center, at home, wherever. We are not promised anything on this earth, so be thankful for what has been received. We go sometimes without anything more then bread and possibly something to make a sandwich. Sometimes I have to sell some of my material items to make it through. Sometimes I have to lower myself to ask for help. But we have so much to be thankful for. God gave me those material items, so I know that I can use them to help us out and hopefully use them to help others in return.

I still have memories of close friends, and family that have gone away from me. Sometimes I have dreams that seem so real, I wake up with a heavy heart. Missing them is part of it, jealousy plays another role, and selfishness also is thrown into the mix. I miss the times that we had on this earth, and with a degree of regret that I did not enjoy them as I should have. I am jealous that they left this earthly realm, and are prayerfully in a better place. I am selfish combining my jealousy and the hope that I will leave this earth too, that I might escape all that holds me here. I am thankful because God has kept me here for my family, and that prayerfully I might see my kids grow, and be with them while I grow older. My wife would be devastated that I have gone on before her, because she would miss me.

I worked with an older gentleman at one time, who was a Church member. He had cancer, it was in remission at the time I knew him. He said that he would hope that his wife would go first. He did not mean this in a bad way, what he meant was he thought that it would be harder on his wife then him. Because he had faith that they will see each other again. She had been sick also and he had always taken care of her. Last time I visited that congregation, I had found that he had already passed away. His wife looked beyond her years, weight loss, sit alone, yet when I talked to her and when she mentioned him a smile was wide across her face.

Noreen and I have never lost a child. Noreen has never lost anyone close to her yet, God has blessed her in this. But her worry is still there, as mine is at times because we never know what tomorrow might bring. She has told me sometimes with tears in her eyes, that the kids were a gift from God and they never were hers in the first place. They are God’s and if anything ever happened to them she would have to look at it like that. She says that is the way she has conditioned herself in case anything ever does. She knows that she would be sad, and does not truthfully know how she would handle such devastating news, but she clings to that knowledge.

Day in and day out, things change and shapes our lives in ways that we can never understand. Jesus could come back today, just as He could have come back in the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s etc. He could come back tomorrow if it be God’s will. ‘No one knows what tomorrow may bring, do all in the name of the Lord.’ If we live like this, where is the worry that these might be ‘the end of days’? I struggle with many things, as we all have struggles with different things, and they are all struggles to each of us. Rather they are small to someone else, or so huge that we could not even fathom experiencing something as devastating as this. I used to cringe when preachers, or anyone for that matter, would pray that Jesus comes soon. I would think, ‘wait I am not ready yet.’ and ‘ How dare you pray that prayer? I need more time.’ Now I pray it, but I still think about those who are not yet ready, and are still struggling.

Life happens to us all, sometimes good news rings in our ears, having us rejoice in the Lord. Sometimes we receive bad news that leaves us questioning God about our blessings. Take a moment today to see all of the things that God has offered. Take a moment to offer a prayer for the hurting, and offer praise to Him that is more then faithful.

D.

As I still struggle and I see others that are doing well with their addictions. I rattle around in my head about what I am doing wrong. Sometimes I feel like Job when people offer advice and just tell me that I am not relying on God to help me through. That I am so far away from God that I do not allow him to work and have faith. I have heard, ‘If you truly have faith that God is in control then how can you still struggle?’ I know that I have faith in God. I know that these people do not understand my journey with God no matter how I explain it there seems that there has to be words between the lines. I can assure you that there is not. People can pick apart what I say and put in what they think that I mean all day long, but the truth is I have already said what I meant.

I do not have it all down, I know that. But again I ask, why do I still struggle? We can never give enough to God I know that also. My mind is irrational at times, rattled with thoughts. So tired sometimes, that I do not feel like I am fully functioning. I am not in a dark place, light surrounds me, I feel it, I desire it. Yet sometimes I catch myself fumbling for the light switch to turn it off. I know that this is the reason that some people want to dissect what I am saying because it sounds so contradictory. But I am in a battle with flesh vs Spirit. I want to hide for just a little bit. I get this nagging feeling of just some me time. No worries about what is right and what is wrong, just letting my hair down, figuratively speaking, and just stop feeling like I am under a microscope not just by humans, but by God also.

I want to pull the proverbial blanket over my head and enjoy a world that no one can see my faults. If I fight against my old god and my one true God, then which do I serve? I wonder at times if they can share me. One can have my body and the other my soul. But it does not work like that, does it? God wants me mind, heart, body and soul. The other wants my mind, my flesh, it also wants to eat my soul, devour it whole. I desire to run so far away and just not look back.

I give advice to those traveling away as I am, sometimes I get advice that is as simple as turn to God, I have talked friends out of doing it that are curious. I put myself out in the open where it is not just a matter of sneaking it anymore. I cannot indulge myself a little, because of every ones support, because God can see me. I can lie to others but not Him. I can’t even lie to others anymore. I feel drained, I feel so tired fighting. Everyone I see that I know are using, not just speed but pills or anything, I desire to follow them and get to know them. I don’t but there is that draw.

I feel like I have a new life. I know that I have a new life. I have Christian friends that I have been searching for, I have a wife that keeps me on the straight and narrow, great kids, my one friend that lives close by that has never done drugs, and will not allow me to go back. I feel trapped. I do not feel like this is my world. I have grown up in such a different world, that this is foreign to me. I have to pick my drug of choice, I have to pick from this world or my old world. It is easy because I have actually looked at all that I would have to give up. I have tied to weigh the pros and cons of each world. The scales start off uneven because my past god weighs pretty heavy on the other side. Litter of a past life weighs in on that side. False love, escape, loneliness. It all becomes a dirty, filthy garbage filled side. While on the other side of the scale is clean and white offering me so much more. A journey that has really just begun. Yet the trashy side still has it’s appeal. I pray that He will take away the temptation, I pray that He will show me the road He wants me on. Yet I get bogged down. The road becomes wet red clay where my feet are stuck with every step. My shoes slide off and I still stumble on.

My selfishness wants to know why me? Why did I come out like this? Two years this November, but I cannot really count that anymore since I abused pills again 3 or 4 months ago. My mind is so cluttered that I do not have a new beginning date. Or I just don’t care. I am not using, I guess that is good enough. Am I doing something wrong that God’s love is not enough for me? Meaning, am I not allowing God to carry me? I feel like I am doing what I can. I just feel so alone sometimes. Surrounded by love, Noreen holds me tight, the kids make me smile, Dusty, Jason, and other Church members give me comfort, yet I look around and in my minds eye I see no one.  Just a new road littered with old strangers.

D.

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