Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.
Sydney J. Harris

Regret. Looking at the word in print makes me chuckle internally. For most of my adult life I had a lot to say about regret, mostly that it was a sentiment that I chose (choose) not to indulge in. I never really regretted doing something, making certain choices, or whatever. I felt that regret – the word itself, the sheer negativity of its connotations – cast a taint on the present, the end result of whatever it was that may or may not be “regrettable”. I felt that regret was a profoundly useless state of mind to exist in, moaning over what might have been – – if only…. Of course I wish I had done somethings in different ways, but I don’t regret doing X, or choosing to do Y, or moaning over how things turned out, because the outcome, one way or the other, is part of the forces that shape me. That quote, while thought-provoking, is so full of pessimism. Regret for things we did can be tempered with time As can joy/happiness for things we did! Almost all feelings and emotions are tempered with time. Regret for things we did not do that is inconsolable A statement so full of hopelessness and longing – no wonder it provokes an ache. As long as you are alive you still have the time to do that which you hadn’t. If if that which you hadn’t can no longer be done (say: because Dad died before you said I love you or whatever) then frankly you have other issues than regret to deal with.

Reading that quotation reminded me of my antipathy to the word regret, and also prompted me to question whether or not my feelings about regret have changed. Surely there must be somethings in my life, within the past seven or so years that I must regret? (There must be, I wondered, since so many people keep giving me that “Aww.. if only..” vibe). So I sit here typing and I wonder, do I truly regret any of it?

Happily, the answer is still no. I still refuse to kow-tow to regret. I don’t regret falling in love with Ass – he was what I needed/wanted at THAT specific time. I don’t regret remaining with him so long, even after realising early on that the relationship was doomed, because the time was not right for ME to move on. And most importantly I don’t regret the wonderful (and unplanned) fruit of that relationship, my precious Punkin. I hate the man, hate with a passion and a life-force all its own, but I do not regret the course, the direction, the product or the outcome of our marriage. At the end of the seven years, I am older, probably wiser and ultimately more blessed.

sigh. Lord, give me the strength to learn Patience so that I can surrender to Serenity.

I was always of the assumption that the author of the Serenity Prayer was unknown, but a little research (Google is your friend) says that authorship of the prayer has been occassionally credited to Reinhold Niebuhr.  The prayer is also a component of 12-step programs like Alcoholics Annoymous. Different texts and writers have changed or adjusted some of the wording over the ages, but in all versions the intent remains intact.

Niebuhr’s original text, shown in Elisabeth Sifton’s book The Serenity Prayer is as follows:

God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.

The Alcoholics Anonymous version is:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

 And a longer version (creator/origin unknown) is below:

God, give us grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking, as Jesus did,

This sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that You will make all things right,

If I surrender to Your will,

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

As we all know I am not a religious person but I definitely can’t deny the power to calm and soothe that these few lines can have. Right up there with “You doh have no power to make me vex!”

I came across this link that takes the prayer, breaks it down and examines it on a fundamental, word by word level.  There’s no need for me to copy the entire text here (read the link) but some wonderful phrases sprang out at me:

Me… the I Am, of self, the True Self, that portion of self which knows that it is, in all instances.

Serenity… Again a word that is misunderstood, that most folks take to mean a quiet, unruffled, calm, undisturbed, tranquil condition in the circumstances of life about us. In truth what it really means is Presence of Mind in the Here and Now, viewing the Reality of whatever conditions and circumstances that may be occurring … Not fighting Reality with illusions of how things should or should not be.

Courage… The ability to make the Responsible Decisions Necessary and take Action to DO the things we already know need to be done in the face of unknown outcomes and consequences..

And to end:
The wise man knows that success in life is achieved by simply putting a whole lot of mistakes together in a way that works.

Just one of those things.

Just one of those days.

Just one of those years.

By the way, I hate Ass with the fire and intensity of 1,000 suns.  My rage for him is growing daily and threatening to overpower my sensibilities. But – *deep breath* this too shall pass.

Anywhoo………

I am fed up. I am totally and absolutely fed the hell up with other people’s freaking moaning and whining and bitching and crying.  I am tired of having to either be the brunt of other people’s issues, being the scapegoat for other people’s issues, or being an alleged contributor, co-conspirator or initiator of other people’s issues. Guess what? I am longing to be able to just let myself go, wallow in my misery, whine and moan, refuse to get out of bed, mope around, gain 50lbs (um.. cough cough.. like I need an excuse to gain weight!), and be a drain on other people’s life force. But I can’t. Because I have responsibilities that I take very seriously. Responsibilities to the child I brought into this world. Responsibilities to my employer. Responsibilities to my employee.  Responsibilities to my family. Responsibilities to the few friends I have left. And a final but most urgent responsibility to My Self. 

99.999115% of the other people in the world have no fucking clue what my personal problems are.  Especially those people that are “close” to me.  You know, I try. I TRY really fricking hard to do right by most anyone I come in contact with, and in particular the people I am supposedly “intimate” with.  But you know, you just can’t win with some people.  So I tell myself, and I long to shout at them: LIFE IS HARD. WEAR A HELMET. AND STOP HASSLING ME ABOUT LIFE BECAUSE I CANT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

So S. Boo hoo. Everyone hates him. Including me apparently.  Everyone is against him. Especially me appreantly.  But no fear, he has a plan.  A plan that will show all of us. All of us I tell you. Every last one of us will “find out”.  ……………….. Eh…….. whatever S. You know what? I have problems of my own that you don’t know and have never cared to find out about.  To this day you don’t know my likes, my dislikes, what makes me sad, what enrages me, what makes me happy. What keeps me up at night.  What scares me.  What is guaranteed to make me laugh.  Hell – he doesn’t even know what my favorite colour is. Has he even tried to find out? Ah! But as he informed me, when I asked that question in a fit of pique, with the limited time that we spend together I apparently am never open to these sorts of discussions. In fact, all I want to do is “get physical”.

SAY WHAAAAAAAAAT?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!

You know, that’s my line in the sand right there.  Poor little baby’s been dying to have deep conversations with me and all I want to do is “get physical”? Really? Yeah. Ok. Bad me. Frankly and honestly I could care less. Guess what S (and everyone else in my damn life)? I refuse to hand you back the power to influence my happiness.  Your life sucks? Yeah you and everyone else buddy. Pick a number and get in line. And while you are there, pick out your shiny new helmet and put it on. Because all life is hard, not just yours. That’s what makes this life, not nirvana.

Oh and S? If you ever tried to know something about me you would know this.  When people start attacking what passes for my emotional integrity and try passing off their shortcomings as a fault of my “perfection” (his word, not mine) it pisses me off to no end.  I’m not perfect, I make no claims to be.  What I am is particular about how I want to be treated, about the things that surround me, how I want to be spoken to, about things that are important to me – if only you cared to know them.  That’s not perfection. That’s maturity. That’s the wisdom that comes from life’s experiences.

And S.. one more thing. You know what happened to the last person who tried to make me feel that their “miserable” life was my fault? I DIVORCED HIM.

Leave me alone and go get fitted for your helmet and stop polluting my karma.

 ___________________

Addendum: And you know what? Really. I’m tired of people mis-reading my words and my intentions, and I am absolutely fed up to the gills with people being fucking rude, nasty and impolite to me.  I’m fed up and I am not taking it anymore.

Lerner reveals that one must create the environment necessary to enable yourself to participate in and accept intimacy. The adjustment on your own self, encouraging and exploring your “Self”, instead of trying to change someone else’s Self. 

Although this wasn’t the primary discussion in my last therapy session, I had come out of that session with one predominant thought – I need to do what it takes to make myself happy, because only I possess the power TO do so.  Making S (or Ass or whoever) happy will not, cannot, make me happy. I have thought that it could; indeed providing “happiness” for others pleasures some part of my own psyche I haven’t explored as yet. Maybe one day..

What I have asked myself and thought of extensively is this:

Q1: Does this manic “provision of happiness” on my part actually bring the other party “happiness”?
A: Who knows? And why does this matter? [More importantly – why is concern over “their happiness”, as opposed to “my happiness”the first question I ask my self?]

Q2: Does this “provision of happiness” for others really bring me joy/pleasure? 
A: You know, the honest answer to this is No.  It certainly makes me feel self-satisfied, smug, pretty pleased with myself even, but that isn’t happiness now is it. What I do know is that Me and only me can make my Self happy, can bring my Self to a position where it can engage meaningfully with other Selves. Only S (or whenever) and S alone can enable his Self to be happy. Nothing I can do will make this reality any different.

So I have begun consciously looking for ways, unrelated to relationships, to enhance and encourage my sense of My Self.  I am actively practicing avoidance (yes! avoidance!), avoidance of becoming embroiled in disturbing emotional disruptions.  Before this the cycle was I would “do”, he would “enjoy”, then he would withdraw (from the intensity perhaps?), I would frantically “do” more to compensate for the withdrawal and then I’d explode in rage (yes! rage! anger!) from the feeling that what I was doing was unappreciated.  But now removing myself from “over-giving” emotionally and otherwise has certainly freed up my mind and My Self to be open to other things I want to do or to enjoy.

I have resumed my thrice-weekly exercise class. In so doing I (a) have decreased my alcohol intake considerably, (b) have increased my mood-enhancing endorphins, (c) committed my self to doing something for My Self and My Body and (d) have much less time available to sit around working myself up into an emotional frenzy about S.  And the strangest things are happening.  I’m much calmer, less prone to drastic emotional swings.  I’m maintaining a pretty good overall even keel, not clinging or moping and pining.  Dare I say, I am even listening!

The results are actually pretty startling.  S himself is responding to this. How and why, I don’t know. I have no idea if it is that I am a lot less intense and more open to his forms of communication, his ways of expressing himself. I am learning how not to take things personally – very hard to do!  I am learning to relax and just be, with him and without him. He too is now also a lot calmer as well, hopefully focusing on His Self. And even more amazing is some recent conversations and interactions that we have had that have really brought us to a different plain of Our Intimacy. Conversations that had conclusions that surprised me in their simplicity and their emotional honesty. Conversations that have left me with a much better feeling overall regarding our relationship in general. That feels good. It really does. But it is hard work!

Only you can make yourself happy. Only you can make yourself sad.  Only you can allow others the power to affect your Self.

——— to be continued ———-

2. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLES OF CLOTHING?
Schlumpy ugly Indian print house dress.

3. THE LAST CDs YOU BOUGHT?
Hahahahaha! *Buy* CDs??? People do that? The last album I downloaded acquired was Amy Winehouse.

4. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
5:50am

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE?
The coffeemaker. Reason? See point #4 ^

6. IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
The piano.

7. FAVORITE COLOR?
Blue

8. WHICH VEHICLE DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR, MOTORCYCLE, OR SUV?
Given the choices here, an SUV.

9. DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE AFTERLIFE?
Yes.

10. FAVORITE CHILDREN’S BOOK?
Anne of Green Gables. The Mallory Towers series by Enid Blyton.

11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
Dry season, despite the allergies. Rainy season is just too muggy and wet.

12. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT?
Don’t have it yet, but it will be a Grenadian flag, flying the wind, slightly tattered at the edges, with “Forward ever, backward never” written artfully somewhere around it.

13. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPERPOWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
The ability to make time stand still. I dunno, since I was a kid I always wanted to be able to do that.

14. CAN YOU JUGGLE?
No. I’m not terribly co-ordinated.

15. ONE PERSON/PEOPLE FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO?
Hmm…. I don’t think so.  I would like to think that I don’t *live* in the past. 

16. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED?
A mattress. Ha ha.

17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DAY?
Definitely Fridays. I’m a total TGIF girl.

18. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SUSHI OR HAMBURGER?
Neither. Chickenburgers are my thing. In a pinch, cheeseburgers instead of plain hamburgers – cheese covers a multitude of culinary sins. Sushi is nothing but fancy shark bait.

19. FROM THE PEOPLE WHO NORMALLY READ YOUR BLOG, WHO IS THE MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND FIRST?
Well, there are only 3 people who read this anyways, so I would have to say my homegirl M would be most likely to respond.

20. ON WHICH BLOG DID YOU FIND THIS MEME?
Girl Gone Crazy which I got to from a link on M’s blog.

21. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER?
I love calla lilies although I have never actually seen a real live one – I live in the Caribbean after all!  It may sound cheesy but a lovely, blooming local rose is probably my favorite flower. They smell heavenly.

23. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MEAL?
Curried chicken, white rice and dahl.

24. DESCRIBE YOUR PJS.
Right now it’s an XXXL Grenada Marine tee shirt

25. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST?
Scrambled eggs, blood pudding, coconut bakes, saltfish souse and cocoa-tea. sigh. That’s like a million calories ago.

26. DO YOU LIKE YOUR JOB?
Actually I do like my job. And now that I am accustomed to working in casual clothing, I don’t think I could ever work somewhere that I had to wear heels, pantyhose and skirts.

27. WHAT IS YOUR DREAM JOB?
I would love to have my own little graphic arts/photography studio where I could potter around and do the creative things that I enjoy. Who cares if I ever sold anything, I would love to do that just for the pleasure.

28. WHAT AGE DO YOU PLAN TO RETIRE?
As soon as is humanly possible, in order for me to follow the dream in point #27 ^

29. WHERE DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Hmm. Spouse (or ex-spouse as the case may be) I met in my then-workplace.  My significant other I met through my spouse at our house.  I thought he was such a sweet, polite, ruff-around-the-edges kind of guy (the significant other, not the spouse). He called me Mrs ___________ for about 2 years.

30. SOMETHING YOU WOULD LIKE TO DO THAT YOU HAVE NEVER DONE BEFORE.
Take a romantic weekend trip somewhere WITHOUT the accompaniment of children. Bliss!

So. I guess it would go without saying that S and I are…. well….. for the want of a better way to phrase it….. still hanging in there.

Based on a mini-revelation I had from a dicussion I had with My Therapist, I’ve decided to learn to Let It Be. Yes. I’m going to just let what will be, be.  Maybe it is time to stop trying to fix and heal and help and change S, and to fix and heal my own self. Which of course ties into what I absorbed from reading the first few chapters of “The Dance of Intimacy” – paraphrase: If you wish to encourage/explore true intimacy, the work begins with yourself.

I do know this. For some reason, somehow, I really like this man. Sure, there is a lot about him that I would like to “change” or “alter”. But there is some integral thing in him, something about his self, his person, that I like and yes, even enjoy.  As My Therapist pointed out [paraphrase] “You guys must like each other because you are both still hanging in there despite all the issues”.

My horoscope for today: You need to make a choice as you approach the edge of your rationalizations. You can head full steam past the logical limit, attempting to power your way beyond it. But this kind of impulsive attack may be foolhardy and even frustrating. Don’t push; instead, try to understand what this situation can teach you. When you learn that lesson, everything will flow easier.

Word!

Over the past few days a certain portion of my rose-coloured glasses, as pertain to S, have been lifted. What does it say that there are times when I look at him and listen to what exits his mouth and I think “THIS is the person I am choosing to be with?”

There is a thing that happens in my relationships. There is always a point when something is said or done that brings with it a sudden – and often drastic – mental and emotional awareness. With this awareness comes a conscious, sub-conscious and unconscious shift in my feelings and interactions with the person involved. Usually, this shift is negative. Well, negative for the other person that is. The “thing” that happens could be an action, a word, or a culmination of a series of events, but the one thing it has in common across the board is that it usually results in me beginning the journey of distancing myself from the other person. In the case of my previous two relationships (my marriage and my earlier long-term relationship) this journey of distancing can often take months or years. In this case, I doubt it is going to take that long.

One day recently, while observing S’s 6-year old daughter interacting with a group of children, I mused aloud “That child has no sense of humor”. Someone who was standing with me remarked “Just like her father”. At the time I chuckled. Then slowly I realized how true that is. He appears to have no sense of amusement, no sense of delight or enjoyment or happiness. Everything that is not a motorbike is like a misery to him. And it really sucks to be living as part of that unhappy cloud of …. well… joylessness. Honestly, does NOTHING make this man happy?

What is sad to me is that because nothing is pleasing or joyous, this really has been making me feel like I am not bringing something to him that is pleasing or joyous. Don’t I make him just the littlest bit happy? Not even sometimes? That’s a hard realisation to come by. To be faced with the concept that you as an individual do not (appear to) bring something positive into someone’s life, even if it is in a small way. Hell! If I don’t make him happy or bring a little bit of happiness to him, why is he even with me? Sadly for him the answer to that question is “That’s his problem. Not mine.” I have enough of my own issues to deal with to be worrying about someone else’s happiness or welfare, especially when that person does not seem to be interested in exploring, embracing or experiencing joy. The act of trying to make him happy is a draining exercise. Then having to be with someone who is chronically negative is a further draining experience. Frankly, he is just not a pleasant person to be around.

I believe in delight, in joyfulness and pleasure. Sure, there are times when I’m depressed or blue or feeling emotionally low. But for the most part I think I can appreciate and revel in the small (and big) things that make Life In General a great place to be in. One night a couple of weeks ago I was sitting outside, having put Punkin to bed, sipping a glass of wine and smoking a cigarette, feeling down. I looked up at the sky and saw the new quarter moon high above me. The sky was clear, no clouds in sight, the stars bright and clean and crisp. And at that moment I sighed and felt the tiny mist of depression lift and I said aloud “I am happy to be alive. Thank you God.” Of course I looked around to make sure that my only companions, the dogs, weren’t giggling at me!

So my lightbulb moment for now is that this man does not make me happy, nor does he impart happiness to me. And that is something that I just cannot live with.

Warm weather fosters growth: cold weather destroys it. Thus a man with an unsympathetic temperament has a scant joy: but a man with a warm and friendly heart overflowing blessings, and his beneficence will extend to posterity. ~ Hung Tzu-Cheng