*

.

No, control and power are not

the same thing.

.

Control means being able

to dictate reality. To force

life itself — people, situations,

outcomes — to meet our needs

and satisfy our expectations.

.

But power means being able 

to take care of yourself.

.

To get your needs met without

losing yourself in the process.

.

To not just survive, but to heal,

and grow, and be happy.

.

They’re not just different,

control and power.

.

Sometimes they’re opposites:

.

~ Power is a real possibility,

where control is often an illusion.

~ Power is healthy, where

controlling if often pathological.

~ Power generates energy, where

controlling drains it.

~ Power is rooted in self-acceptance

and self-confidence, where controlling

grows out of insecurity and fear.

~ Power makes you stronger; controlling

weakens you, can even make you sick.

~ Power attracts people to one another,

where controlling tends to drive them apart.

.

But the most important difference

between them is,

~ Power is something only adults can

develop, where controlling is the basic

survival skill of kids.

.

Think about it. If I’m a kid, I can’t

take care of myself. I need big people

for that – to feed me, clothe me, protect

me, love me. Without big people, I die.

.

And because I know this at the

deepest level, I learn early on to stay

on their good side. To please and

appease them, avoid their anger,

meet their expectations. To be what

big people want me to be, instead

of who I am.

.

This is inevitable.

.

It’s also how control addicts are born.

.

Because control addicts keep feeling

and functioning like kids instead of

developing personal power. They keep

pleasing and appeasing and manipulating

the way children do. Or they try to hide

their insecurity behind dominating or

bullying or abuse.

.

What they don’t do is come out

of hiding, reveal both their strength

and their vulnerability, never learn

to be themselves out loud.

.

Externally they look like adults. Inside

they still feel like kids who need support,

approval or permission from big people.

.

Recovery is about reversing this.

.

Recovery is about finally growing up inside.

*

Adapted from the forthcoming Second Editon:

She is crying over a recent breakup.

.

“I loved him so much,” she sobs.

.

I try to look sympathetic.

.

Inside I’m thinking,

Not really.

.

Why?

.

Because she’s the one who

ended the relationship,

…

and

…

she did it because he kept

hurting and disappointing her,

…

and

…

she has a long history of

disappointing and hurtful

relationships, 

…

and

…

I’ve known many people

like her, people who confuse

 love with need.

.

It is, I believe, a common confusion.

.

Love and need are both intense

emotional experiences.

.

Both can overwhelm, confuse and

consume.

.

Both feel like a matter of life or

death.

.

Both reveal something essential

about you.

.

But there are important differences

too:

.

Where love feels like fullness, need

feels like craving.

.

Where love creates stability, need

generates anxiety.

.

Where love tolerates boundaries,

need repeatedly blurs them.

.

Where love manifests as giving,

need shows up as demanding.

.

Where love expands a person’s

capacity and perspective,

need shrinks both to that of a

hungry child.

.

So how does this confusion get started? 

.

In my experience, the three most

common ways are

.

~ You were raised by parents who

didn’t know the difference themselves. 

They told you they loved you, but

the message behind that was Meet

my expectations. Make me happy.

.

~ You grew up in a family unable to

tolerate separateness or integrity.  

Be what we need you to be, was the

message, or we’ll reject you.

.

~ Childhood left you emotionally

hungry, so hungry that now anyone

who feeds you feels like a sort of savior.

.

Which is what Erich Fromm probably

had in mind when he wrote,

.

Immature loves says,

“I love you because

I need you.” 

Mature love says,

“I need you because

I love you.”

____________

*The Art of Loving (1956).

* * *

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…

Listen to the audio version: https://stevehauptman.substack.com/p/the-psychology-of-holes

*

It’s supposed to go like this:

…..

We’re supposed to grow up in a good-enough

family, one nurturing enough to provide

adequate supplies of the 4 A’s:

…..

attention

acceptance

approval

affection

…..

The 4 A’s are the basic components of

love.

…..

If we get enough of these components,

we fill up in childhood, just like kids

fill up with good food.

…..

And we enter adulthood feeling reasonably

solid, reasonably valuable and lovable

and confident in our dealing with others.

…..

But if we grow up in a not-enough family

— one burdened by abuse, or addiction,

or mental illness, or parents who dislike

each other or themselves or their children

—  several things happen:

….

…..

1. We enter adulthood emotionally hungry,

carrying unmet needs that appear as holes

in our confidence and self-esteem.

…..

2. This hunger is so painful that it forces

us to try and fill those holes by getting our

needs met by others.

…..

3. We do this unconsciously, unaware of

why we feel how we feel or do what we

do or how it impacts the people around us.

….

4. We also do it covertly, hiding our true

motives from ourselves and others, trying

to control and manipulate other people

into feeding us what we didn’t get as kids.

….

5. Others often sense our hidden agenda

— even when they don’t understand it —

and react defensively by rejecting us or

distancing themselves.

….

6. The rejection and distancing increases

our hunger, triggering another round of

unconscious controlling and manipulation,

often followed by more distancing and

rejection.

….

This circular process continues until we

recognize what we’re doing and learn better

ways of getting our emotional needs met.

…

I’ve known many, many people like this.

….

I’ve been one myself.

.,…

There’s no shame in it. 

….

Emotional hunger is the common cold

of emotional problems.

…

But if I’ve learned anything about this

whole business, it’s this:

….

We will never feel adequately loved

until we finally identify our unhealed

holes and understand the ways in which

we keep ourselves hungry.

….

When you blame

and criticize others,

you are avoiding

some truth about yourself.

~ Deepak Chopra

..you are avoidingsome truaabout yourself.

….

***

Never forget

the nine most

important words

of any family:

I love you.

You are beautiful.

Please forgive me.

~ H. Jackson Brown Jr.

.

Because it works.

Or seems to.

.

Hey, I’ve learned a lot about control.

Like how important it is to me.

How I like when I have it,

and hate when I don’t.

How this makes me

look for it everywhere,

both when I know that I’m looking

and when I do not.

.

How deep down I still believe

that having control

is the only way

to feel safe emotionally.

.

And how many of my problems come

from this stubborn unconscious belief.

.

Especially problems I have in

relationships,

with other people who hate

being controlled.

.

And problems that come from

overcontrolling my own feelings,

from swallowing or hiding them,

even from myself.

.

How a life based on control-seeking

is ultimately exhausting,

like swimming endlessly

against a strong tide.

.

And how constantly trying

to edit reality

according to my needs and

my preferences

leaves me not powerful but weak.

.

Since whenever I fight reality,

reality always wins.

.

So why do I keep doing it?

.

As I said, because it works.

For a moment, it works.

.

In that moment, it seems to

promise relief.

In that moment, I feel like I’ve

solved something,

found a remedy for discomfort

or pain.

.

I haven’t, of course.

The moment passes.

The discomfort returns.

The sense of control evaporates.

.

Which means I must seek it again.

Just as any addict must,

when the anesthesia wears off.

.

And I’m starting to notice this.

I mean, really notice how brief

the relief is,

and how inevitable is the

pain’s return.

.

I’m beginning to notice the cycle,

and to hear me whisper to myself,

Here we go again.

.

And then to step back and

consider alternatives.

.

Like not controlling people,

but letting them be as they are.

Like not strangling feelings,

but letting them arrive

and depart on their own.

Like not controlling the future

by filling it with plans,

goals and promises,

but letting it simply unfold.

.

All this means, I think, that

I may be approaching

what they call a bottom —

that place of recognition

where you can’t do

what you’ve been doing

for one second more,

where the pain of fixing endlessly

swamps the fear of giving up the fix.

.

I’m not there yet.

But I’m closer.

.

And frankly, I can’t wait

to arrive.

Because after all this controlling

I really could use

a rest.

.

…

***

Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. 

It’s an active noun like struggle. 

To love someone is to strive

to accept that person exactly

the way he or she is,

here and now.

~ Fred Rogers

.

***

No one ever told her it was okay

to make mistakes.

No one told her there was nothing

wrong with needing help.

No one told her it was normal to

feel upset, or angry, or overwhelmed

now and then.

Everyone in her life took her

perfectionism for granted and didn’t

realize how suffocating it was.

And because no one gave the

young woman permission to be human,

she thought she was a failure

for being one.

~ Chris Colfer, Worlds Collide

…

***

You watch and love and live

with people and you are witness

to what happens to them.

You observe — with young eyes —

how they respond to loss,

to betrayal, to fear.

It’s the only way you’ve

seen to do these things,

so it becomes the means

by which you operate.

It takes living — and making

many, many mistakes —

to understand that

there are other ways.

~ Arthur Miller

…

***

It is not easy to find

happiness in ourselves,

and it is not possible

to find it elsewhere.

~ Agnes Repplier

…

***

It’s easy to judge.

It’s more difficult to understand.

Understanding requires compassion,

patience, and a williness to believe

that good hearts sometimes

choose poor methods.

Through judging, we separate.

Through understanding, we grow.

~ Zoe Zantamata

• **

***

There a thing called triangulation

that happens in families.

When two members don’t communicate well,

a triangle forms with a third person who absorbs

the anxiety and stress from the strained relationship.

Realizing that you’ve been that third person

can be really enlightening.

~ Jessica Dore