Divorce Busting

As a liberal, card-carrying Democrat, I am nonetheless appalled by the Pamela White’s article “Defending Divorce.” When nearly one out of every two marriages ends in divorce, divorce hardly needs defending. Beside that, the article is filled with erroneous assumptions and information, which I would like to debunk.

To consider it to be “meddling” that a proposed law requiring couples with children to take a class about the impact of divorce and to have a “cooling off” period prior to divorcing, demonstrates no appreciation for the havoc divorce leaves in its wake. Children have no veto power in a decision that will forever alter their lives. Minimally, parents should learn about the insidious ways divorce effects their children.

In regards to the proposed waiting period, the author writes, “Once two people have decided they can’t stand the sight of each other, there’s really no place to go.” As a therapist specializing in work with couples on the brink for nearly three decades, I know that divorce is almost always a unilateral decision, leaving the desperate spouse in the dust. “Left-behind” spouses will jump at the opportunity to slow things down.

Additionally, though there are many unhealthy marriages, the author assumes there are only two ways to handle this dilemma- get out or stay miserable. But there’s another way- improve relationships so people feel happier and more connected. There is marriage-friendly therapy and evidenced-based marriage education classes that truly change the dynamics of failing relationships.

Should this legislation pass, the author worries that women will get stuck in psychologically abusive relationships with alcoholic, controlling husbands. Research suggests that severe problems account for only 10 to 15% of all divorces. Other divorces are due to garden variety problems- poor communication, growing apart or an inability to manage conflict- all of which are solvable.

The author also refers to a valid statistic that more women than men file for divorce, but her hypothesis about why this happens- women’s unfair share of housework and childcare, infidelity, money problems-is off base. Most women leave because they feel emotionally neglected despite years of trying to get their husbands to be more responsive. Again, with help, these problems are resolvable.

Divorce should not be looked at as a jailbreak from prison. Research tells us that, contrary to popular belief, people in long-term healthy marriages live longer, are healthier, happier and do significantly better financially. Their children do better across countless dimensions.

So before jumping to the conclusion that putting a beat between the decision to divorce and moving out is Big Brother in action, consider the benefits of spouses working things out, keeping their families intact and tucking kids in at night…together.

Michele Weiner-Davis is a best selling author, internationally renowned marriage therapist, and award winning speaker who has dedicated the last 30+ years of her life to preventing unnecessary divorces.  Get her latest advice on Facebook, Twitter, and join the Divorce Busting e-mail list.

When your marriage is on the rocks, you start to wonder how relationship goals that require two people’s active participation apply to you. You read articles about setting goals for the new year and you feel downtrodden and left out.  In fact, even thinking about the new year can be emotional for you. After all, this is the time we think about starting new things, not ending them.

But don’t despair.  Here at the Divorce Busting Center, I’ve developed a method that truly helps individuals to improve relationships single-handedly.  It also is designed to help you feel better so that you can apply principles that work instead of giving up.  That’s why I decided to write Ten New Year’s Resolutions for Divorce Busters, those people who don’t have the luxury of their partner’s support. Here are ten goals that you can accomplish yourself in 2012.

1. Envision positive outcomes

There is no way that you can begin to accomplish positive change your marriage if you don’t believe it is possible. Start by imagining what your life will be like when your marriage truly turns a corner. The more you can picture every detail, the easier it will be to eventually step into this picture at some later date.

2. Act as if you expect miracles to occur

Once you can imagine positive outcomes, reflect on how you will be behaving differently when they happen. Then start doing that right now!

3. Be kind, even if you think your spouse doesn’t deserve it

You may be angry, disappointed, or even devastated by your spouse’s choices and actions. However, rather than react to unsettling behavior, assume your spouse is lost and confused. Be patient, kind and steady and your efforts will pay off.

4. Focus on small, positive changes

Don’t expect big changes overnight or you will be disappointed and it will make it hard to stay on track. Imagine the smallest change possible that would signal a shift in how things have been going. Then focus on that.

5. Promise yourself this will be a great year, no matter what

You can not control what your spouse does, but you can control what you decide to do with yourself and your children , if you have them. Take a deep breath and envision how you are going to make this a good year regardless of your spouse’s choices.

6. Exercise your worry away

The most popular New Year’s Resolution is to join a health club and exercise to become more fit. That is well and good. For you, exercise will be a lifesaver. It will help to assuage worries, feel good about yourself and increase feel-good hormones like endorphins. Go for it!

7. Do one new thing you enjoy

Don’t become stale just because you are having a shaky time in your marriage. Novelty will stimulate your brain and maybe even your heart and help you have a more positive outlook about the future.

8. Make sure you have quality time with your children or other loved ones.  Be present.

Many times, when people are teetering on the brink of divorce, their pain makes them become self-absorbed and staying the moment becomes and challenging task. You will never be able to do your children’s childhood again, so do your best to be with them mentally when you’re with them.

9. If you get off track, get back on quickly without self-blame

What separates the winners from the losers is not whether or how many times you get off track, it’s how rapidly you get back on track. If you’ve veered from the Divorce Busting plan, hop right back on track without self-recrimination.

10. Do activities that help you rediscover serenity

Meditate, pray, hike in the mountains or watch a sky full of shooting stars. On a regular basis, do whatever it takes to bring you back to yourself. You and everyone around will benefit from your peacefulness.

Michele Weiner-Davis is the founder of the Divorce Busting Center and best selling author of “Divoce Busting”, “The Divorce Remedy”, and “The Sex-Starved Marriage”.  Subscribe to the Divorce Busting Newsletter to get exclusive marriage saving offers and first access to Michele’s latest work.

Continued from Part 1

Your attempts at change were halfhearted

Sometimes when there is a lack of improvement, it is because when you’ve experimented with a technique, you only did halfheartedly.  If your heart isn’t in it when you approach your spouse, your spouse will think you are acting and will immediately see through what you’re trying to do.  S/he might feel manipulated, and therefore, not respond in a positive manner.

If doing things halfheartedly fails to bring about good results, why do people do it?  Sometimes it’s because the technique they choose doesn’t feel right to them.  They’re just doing it because they think they should.  That’ not a good reason to do anything.   You need to feel comfortable with what you’re doing.  It must make sense to you. You have to get behind what you’re doing.  If a particular technique feels artificial, choose something else.

Another reason people do things halfheartedly is that, although they might not be admitting it to themselves, they are still playing the blame game.  They don’t really want to accept responsibility for tipping over the first domino.  They still want their spouses to change first.  So, they go through the motions of change but don’t allow themselves to fully get into their new solution-oriented modes.

If you have been feeling lukewarm about the strategies you’ve been using, I want you to be totally honest and ask yourself, “Am I still holding out hope that my spouse will see the light and change first?”  Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you are really working on your marriage if that little inner voice is shouting, “S/he’s wrong, let him/her change first.”  You are only wasting time.  You first need to rid yourself of that distraction before you can do anything constructive about your marriage.  Unless you put your heart and soul into changing your marriage and stop keeping score, your marriage will be in exactly the same place five years from now that it is now, or you will have no marriage at all.

You reverted to your old ways

In this case, it is clear that the technique you’re using has some merit, but you accidentally slid back into your old ways, thereby prompting your spouse to do the same.  Then, when you observe both of you doing the same old thing, you incorrectly assume that what you are doing isn’t working and you get discouraged.  In reality, it’s not that the technique you are using isn’t working, it’s just that it doesn’t work when you don’t use it! Here’s an example.

Through using this program, Andrea and Wally figured out that they got along a lot better when they used a budget to guide their financial expenditures.  For a long time they were doing just that.  Their finances improved and they were getting along famously.  As a result, with each passing week, they found themselves becoming more and more lax about doing sticking to their budget.  After all, they told themselves, “How will this one little extravagant purchase hurt?”  So they started splurging a little.  One small purchase turned into another small purchase, and before they knew it, their spending was out of control again.  Their fighting resumed with a vengeance.

Andrea and Wally felt discouraged and assumed that their budget wasn’t working until they realized that the real problem wasn’t that their budget hadn’t worked, but that they had become lax in their efforts to stick to it.  With a little reminder, they were up and running again, and they got back on track.

Back to you for a moment.  If at any time during your participating in this program you noticed even slight improvements, it means you were doing something worthwhile.  If the progress has slowed or even halted, it means you’ve probably stopped doing what works.  Force yourself to resume doing what was working and see if that makes a difference.  It probably will.

Need help in your marriage? Don’t leave your future to chance.  Talk to a Divorce Busting Coach today.

Question:

Michele,

I really love my husband.  We are on the brink of divorce.  For about 4 years now he has told me that he doesn’t love me 10 times, 4 times just the last year.  I am really hurt by this and can’t get past the fact that he does this.  He says he says it when he is mad, but I feel if that were true then he would show me he loves me when he isn’t being mean.  Most of the time it happens when he is TDY or deployed.  But it happened again last weekend.  I told him I can’t keep hearing it-it hurts me too bad and he keeps promising not to say it and still does. I don’t know what to do, how to get past the hurtful things he says.  On top of it we have had sex two times this year.  He says he doesn’t feel connected to me and no matter what I have tried (positive and unfort. negative) it doesn’t work.  We have twin 6 year old girls, they are great kids, and we are able to get alone time.   Any suggestions Thanks.

Sue

Answer:

It is that “Sticks and stone will break my bones but names will never harm me,” and nothing could be further than the truth.  Words do sting.  A lot.  But your husband isn’t taking you seriously.  Your words aren’t getting through to him.  Sometimes, especially with men, and especially with action-oriented men like your military man, you need to take action and stop talking.  He needs to feel that he might lose you if he keeps up this insensitive and unkind behavior.

I wonder if there is a place you can go with your girls if he tells you he doesn’t love you anymore?  Do you have a friend or relative you can visit for a while?  Also, if her pursues you when you are gone- which he might- you can tell him that your asexual relationship isn’t working for you either.  Let him know that you need more intimacy and closeness.

Furthermore,  tell him that you are getting used to being on your own and that you are doing ok without him.  Then watch how he responds.  If he comes closer, make sure that you are tough with him.  Hold the line.  If he pulls away, you can always reverse your position.  But chance are, getting tough will be a better way to approach this situation.  I bet you’re ready to do this anyway!

Look for support offered to you through he military.  Sometimes there are very good resource available to military spouses!

Hang in there,

Michele

If you have reached an impasse in your marriage-saving efforts, you will want to read this three-part series because it will help you diagnose the reasons you might be stuck. Don’t despair, just make sure you read this and the next two parts!

So, why haven’t you seen change in your marriage yet? Let’s take a look at a few possible reasons.

You Haven’t Given a Method Sufficient Time to Work Before Trying Something Else

It is often the case that, if a technique doesn’t yield immediate results, people jump ship too quickly. Although this is completely understandable, it’s unproductive.  It’s my experience that you should probably stick with something for at least a couple of weeks unless it is clear that you are getting negative results.   Then, of course, you should quit immediately.  But don’t let your impatient get in the way of your being systematic about improving your marriage.  You need to give things a chance to work.

This is especially true if you and your spouse are separated and you don’t have much contact.  In that case, even if the method you’re using is going to be effective, it will definitely take longer to show positive results than it would if the two of you were together.  Your spouse simply doesn’t have enough opportunities to witness you changing.  So, don’t get discouraged and start trying a little of this and a little of that.  If you do, you won’t really get a true reading about the effectiveness of any technique.

The Strategy Chosen Isn’t Different Enough From Your Usual Approach

When people are stuck, I ask them what they’ve tried and they tell me, “I’ve tried everything.”  No one has ever tried everything.  It only feels that way.

But what people have done, is that they’ve tried many, many variations of the same technique.  For example, a woman tried asking her husband nicely to change when that didn’t work, she pleaded, begged, threatened, and cried.  Nothing she said ever made a difference.  So she decided to take a communication class where she learned how to express herself more effectively.  She did well in class and mastered the skills.  But when she went home and tried them out on her husband, he still responded the same old way.  She felt frustrated and at her wit’s end.

If you asked her, this woman would tell you that she tried everything.  But if you look at what she did very carefully, what you’ll notice is that all of her efforts fall under the same general category.  Despite the subtle difference in her approach, her husband knew one thing and one thing only.  “My wife is constantly harping on me when she talks.”  It didn’t matter how she said what she said, or the level of emotion that she said it with- to her husband, words were words.

Although your pet strategy may not be words, I want you to mull over this example and see if you are making the same kind of mistake.  When you try something new is it really new or is it merely a variation of thing you’ve tried that hasn’t worked?  I have equipped you with a series of helpful techniques for bringing about change with your spouse: Do Something Different, Act As If, Easier Done Than Said, The Medium is In The Message, and Do a 180.  Find one that is radically different from what you’ve been doing.  Even if it seems a little odd for you to try it out, do it anyway.  Give yourself permission to be creative.  Ask yourself, “Have I had any zany ideas about what might work but have held myself back from trying them?” What are they?

Don’t hold back a moment longer.  Go for it.  Remember, when I say, “Do something different,” I mean different.

You’re overlooking the small signs of change

One of the reasons you may not be noting any improvement in your marriage is that you are overlooking the small signs of change.  I know how easy this is to do.  You want to feel so much closer to your spouse and you’re looking for those blatant telltale signs that your marriage is headed for higher ground.  You’re hoping for obvious expressions of love and tenderness.  But in your eagerness to feel that your marriage is healed, it’s entirely possible that you have been oblivious to the small positive things that have happened that are really harbingers of things to come.  You fail to notice the less obvious, small acts of kindness, which are really the building blocks for what comes next.

If you’ve failed to notice these mini-steps, it’s like missing a street sign when you’re going to a party.  You won’t realize that you’ve been going in the right direction and you will feel  lost.  Without recognizing and appreciating that you’re moving in the right direction, you wont feel encouraged to keep going.

Or perhaps you have noticed a few small things have improved but you’ve told yourself, “No big deal.”  In other words, since the changes weren’t monumental, they weren’t worth getting excited about.  That kind of attitude will prevent you from moving farther.  Every little step is a big deal and you should think about it that way.  It will help you keep your stamina up.  If you’re guilty of downplaying the significance of small changes, here’s your new mantra: “Little steps are a big deals.”  Got that?  It’s really important that you slow down and be patient.

Finally, you may have been telling yourself not to get too excited about small steps forward because you don’t want to feel a false sense of hope.  If I were in your shoes, I’d probably feel exactly the same way, but it’s unproductive.  Allow yourself to notice and feel encouraged by the small signs.  You need to feel hope.  While it’s true that there are no guarantees about the future, if things don’t work out the way you hope, you’ll deal with it then.  For now, think positively.  Remember the self-fulfilling prophecy is a very powerful phenomenon.

Having finished reading fellow (gal) blogger, Sharon Wolf’s stunningly honest post entitled, “Do as I Say, Not As I Do,” I must say that I have great respect for her courage. It takes guts to admit defeat when one is supposed to have all the answers. As a marriage therapist and best-selling author, I, too, have been fortunate to have had far more than my share of 15 minutes of fame. I brush shoulders with the best and brightest in the field. I am not surprised by her confession that one’s marriage-saving wisdom isn’t always easy to implement in one’s own marriage. Some of the most prominent and well-respected marriage experts in the field are on their second and subsequent marriages. Nothing new here. However, as I read her wonderfully written account about what she tried and what didn’t work with her husband, the psychotic optimist in me (I didn’t write the book, Divorce Busting randomly) couldn’t help but notice that perhaps Sharon left several stones unturned when trying to mend her failing relationship.

Marriage-saving Tip # 1- Don’t be complacent about a ho-hum sex life

For starters, having sex only three times in fifteen years hardly constitutes a robust sex life. Nor does having separate bedrooms, though not uncommon, be thought to lead to intimacy and connection. While it’s unclear as to whether Sharon or her ex-husband initiated this sexual anorexia, it barely matters. Chances are, one person longed for sexual contact more than the other. My book, The Sex-Starved Marriage, spells out what happens to marriages where one spouse is yearning for more physical contact and the other, less interested spouse thinks, “What’s the big deal, it’s only sex.” But to the spouse desiring more touch, it’s a huge deal because it isn’t “just sex,” it’s about feeling wanted, appreciated, attractive and important. And when this major disconnect happens in marriage, intimacy on all levels tends to drop out. They stop spending time together, laughing at each other’s jokes, eating meals together and even showing interest in each other’s lives- like reading the other partner’s manuscript or caring about the other partners’ need for cleanliness, for example. If you’re married to someone whose love language is touch and you’re not touching, resentment and distance are the inevitable fallout. Resentful spouses generally don’t have much empathy or desire to please.

But a sexual desire gap isn’t a marital deal breaker. There is much couples can do to bridge the gap. And with more touch, miracles often happen outside the bedroom.

Marriage-Saving Tip # 2- Spend time together

By Sharon’s admission, her focus on work and the resulting success takes time and energy. Could it be that her ex felt like a second fiddle to her career and resented his not being a priority? Could it also be that his bitterness left him feeling disinterested in reading her books. Could her time away from him have led to his feeling cheated as one might if their spouse were having an affair?

When my book, Divorce Busting, was published, reporters asked what I believed to be the number one cause for divorce in our country. Although they expected a sophisticated psychological explanation, mine was simple. Couples need to spend more time together. They seem to prioritize everything but each other. I feel certain that therapists like Sharon and me would be out of work if more couples understood and took this very simple principle to heart. Insist upon sacred alone time, no matter how busy your lives might be, no matter how demanding your children. “The best thing you can do for your kids,” I always say, “is to put your marriage first.”

Marriage-Saving Tip #3- If all else fails, do nothing

And finally, I give Sharon a lot of kudos for all of her hard work in trying to improve her marriage. She sounds like a real trooper. She tells us, “… it took my exhaustive exploration of every marriage counseling trick of the trade and trying them at home to realize that nothing was going to make us work.” However, in my practice, I’ve noticed that sometimes one spouse is doing ALL the work while the other spouse does NOTHING. Relationships are like see saws. The more one person does, the less the other person has to do. So, had Sharon been my client, I would have encouraged her to take a marital sabbatical and stop working so hard to get him to change. Stop asking for things. When a Well-meaning, “fix-it addict,” backs off, it often marks the turning point in marriage. It’s counter-intuitive because we all believe that the harder we work, the better the results. But when it comes to relationships, a more accurate saying is, “Insanity has been defined as doing more of the same and expecting different results.” I couldn’t help but be curious as to how her now-ex husband responded when she finally stopped trying and threw in the towel. Did it paradoxically pique his interest?

The truth is, Monday morning quarterbacking is an easy thing to do, especially when it comes to someone else’s life. Plus, not all marriages can or should be saved. It’s just that my heart goes out to Sharon to read about her loneliness and missing her ex. However, without knowing her personally, I have a strong sense that regardless of Sharon’s choice to end her relationship, she will unquestionably land on her feet. And I imagine that the countless couples whose marriages have remained intact thanks to her help, will be cheering her on.

Need help in your marriage? Don’t leave your future to chance.  Talk to a Divorce Busting Coach today.