This was one of those seasons where I feel I grew the most personally.  And it to get to share this journey with a community of people passionate about living life fully is a great gift I do not deserve, but accept gladly.

From one friend to another, thank you.

Here is the complete list of Season 5!  Read, think, share, act.  May we be a people who loves passionately and seeks wisdom desperately.

your fellow companion on the road,

Gordon

“Who you are is who you will meet.” –Erwin McManus

I remember when He said it.

“Gordon, if you want to have a great woman, you must first become a great man.”

Those words changed my life forever.

Before that my focus was finding the right person for me.  I even created a two page, bullet point list titled, “My Future Wife.”  (Yeah, I was always a little different than the other guys).  She was out there.  And I was determined to find her.

Guess what.  I never did.

I needed to stop looking for her and start looking in the mirror.

Would I want to marry me?  Though I was afraid to admit it, I had little self-confidence.  And I was not nearly as responsible as I thought either.  I had a lot of stuff to work on.

The biggest red flag, it turns out, wasn’t in others.  It was in me.

So I packed up my metaphorical bags and headed out on the journey of becoming a better me.  And as I became a healthier more confident man,  I noticed something curious.  I started encountering girls of different quality.

I was meeting who I was becoming.

And that is how I met the love of my life.  It took years of work.  I had to become better myself.  But it was worth the work.

*                *                *

I want to conclude with some words from a favorite book of mine.  They are poignant.  Dipped in raw truth.  And they reveal something curious about being human.

“More important than finding your spouse is becoming the kind of person who’s ready to get married. We expend so much time and energy dreaming about finding the perfect man or woman.

“But we can’t control that. . .

“The odds are that you will marry somebody who is a mirror of your character. . .If you’re not going anywhere with your life, don’t expect to marry someone who is. . .

“Right now you are becoming your future.

“That’s why the months or years or decades of waiting are so vital.  You’re building the foundation.  And how you build, who you are in the here and now, matters more than you know.”

-John Mark Comer.  Loveology.

Watch the Tantalizing Tuesday Video by clicking HERE!   

This book will challenge everything you thought you knew about Marriage, Sex, and what it means to be Male and Female.  It’s phenomenal.  Check it out HERE

]]> https://gordonavenue.wordpress.com/2015/03/03/the-biggest-red-flag-of-all/feed/ 1 2623 Gordon red-flag Loveology https://gordonavenue.wordpress.com/2015/02/24/what-is-your-love-language/ https://gordonavenue.wordpress.com/2015/02/24/what-is-your-love-language/#comments Tue, 24 Feb 2015 15:00:57 +0000 http://gordonavenue.wordpress.com/?p=2617 I don’t do so well with other languages. When the only words you know after taking two years of “Spanish class” are located on the Taco Bell menu. . .you realize that you should probably just stick to English.

Does it ever feel like your significant other is speaking in a foreign tongue? Well, feel better my friend. Because most likely that’s exactly what’s happening.

Imagine with me that two people are having an argument. They are trying to get their points across, but they have a major problem. One is speaking English—the other Spanish.

Cleary this is an issue. So what is the solution? Simply, they must learn to communicate in the other person’s language.

*                *                *

According the legend known as Dr. Gary Chapman, every human has his or her own Love Language. A person’s Love Language is basically their emotional communication preference—the way in which they best experience and express love.

Throughout the years Dr. Chapman discovered five overarching Love Languages:

Words of Affirmation:  Using encouraging, kind and humble words that uplift your spouse.

Gifts:  Conveying visible signs of love through tokens of appreciation.

Acts of Service:  Doing something for your partner that you know they’d like you to do.

Physical Touch:  Expressing affection through hugs, embraces, light pats or love making.

Quality Time:  Giving your undivided attention to a loved one.

(Discover your Love Language by clicking HERE!)

FOR EXAMPLE:

Let’s say that a husband’s primary Love Language is Words of Affirmation while his wife’s is Acts of Service.

Wanting to show that he cares the husband frequently expresses his love through notes, text messages, or kind words. Meanwhile she works hard to convey her love by doing his laundry, making dinner, and cleaning the house.

And so, while both are making an effort to communicate their love, neither of them feels loved by the other.

He wants her words of appreciation. She wants his help with the dishes.

*                *                *

The truth is most couples do care for each other. They just speak different “languages.”

When you take time to discover your partner’s love language it will revolutionize your relationship. For you will have learned how to express the love you feel in a way your spouse understands best.

Watch the Video Here!

Read the life changing book!  The 5 Love Languages will rock your world.  It certainly rocked mine.

My dad is a coach.  Not of sports.  But of love.

Growing up, our dinner table, more often than not, became a relationship training ground.  My dad would present his knowledge of relationships in pyramids, circles, and stories on a weekly basis.  And though I was a little confused at times I had to admit, dad knew his stuff.

‘Cause my parents really liked each other.  To a level that was almost. . .gross.

More than once in my childhood (try daily) I would walk into the kitchen and catch mom and dad, once again, making out.  And after 40 years of marriage they have not slowed down.

How do they do it?  Why are they more in love now than ever?  Well, it turns out, they have a secret formula.  And it is this formula that makes gives them a winning marriage.  But it may not be what you think.

*                *                *

The formula to a great marriage is simple, yet profound.  You ready?  Ok here we go.

When you break it down, couples with a winning marriage, have a winning marriage, because they have chosen to become . . .

Friends with Benefits.

When you see a long-lasting happy couple what you are really looking at are two committed friends.  Friends enjoying the incredible benefits only marriage can bring.

In fact, this was the same conclusion Dr. John Gottman came to after researching over 8,000 couples in 35 years.  His summarizing statement of all his research was that, in the end, “happily married couples behave like good friends.”

*               *                *

Trying to have an awesome marriage without an awesome friendship is like trying to win a football game without a football.  How can you score without the ball?

Trying to score a touchdown without a football is like a couple trying to have blissful marriage without being best friends.

We all want the benefits; we all love scoring points.  But unless we take care of the ball, i.e. our friendship, we will lose the game.  Do what my parents did and redefine your marriage.  Look at yourself, not as some “old married couple,” but as friends with benefits.  And you will have discovered the key winning long-term.

*               *                *

Side Note: “Friends with Benefits” before marriage has devastating results.  Trying to get the benefits of marriage without a marriage commitment will only hurt you.  Before marriage “friends with benefits” will kill your relationship.  In marriage, it grows it.  I know, crazy.  But true.

Watch the Tantalizing Tuesday Video Here!   

As a man I’m a big fan of formulas. Give me a problem; I’ll give you my formula. Solution granted!

Guys like to fix stuff. And you know what we hate? Not being able to fix stuff.

And so, if I have no idea how to fix something, I simply. . .

Shut down.

Check out.

Get passive.

Pretend like nothing is wrong.

Flip on the TV.

Veg out.

I take the coward’s path.

And far too often. . .I do this. . .to the beautiful woman in my life.

*                *                *

I always know when something is wrong. Because she gets really quiet. Uh oh. And the thought comes to my mind. . .

Last time I asked what was bothering her, she told me, I give her a great solution, and then she got mad saying I wasn’t “listening to her.”

I hate seeing her struggle. I long to see her happy. But every time I try to help she just gets upset.

So this time. . .I won’t even bring it up.

But what I didn’t realize what that, in reality, she didn’t want me to fix anything.

“A woman doesn’t want to be related to with formulas and she certainly doesn’t want to be treated like a project that has answers to it.

“She doesn’t want to be solved, she wants to be known.” (John Eldredge. Wild at Heart)

She didn’t want my answers. She wanted my eyes.   She needed to know that I understand how she felt.

She wasn’t looking for me to conquer her problem.   She was hoping I’d conquer her fear that she is all alone in this emotional mess.

And the best way to win this battle for her is to shut my mouth and listen with my eyes.

LET’S GET PRACTICAL

Sometimes a woman does want advice. So how do you know what she wants?

Here is some of the best practical advice I’ve ever received:

Simply ask: Are you wanting advice? Or do you just want someone to listen to you?

When she’s says “listen” you can relax and put your toolbox away. Give her great eye contact and be silent.

Oh, one more thing. . .

Never. Ever. Ever say, “You shouldn’t feel that way.”

Watch the Tantalizing Tuesday Video Here!  

When I was in high school my biology teacher gave us some X and Y chromosomes made out of paper. Nearly laughing in anticipation he gave the following instructions:

“Everyone get a partner—preferably of the opposite sex—find a spot in the room, drop your genes, and make some babies.”

*                *                *

Imagine you and a partner were given the job of handcrafting a tiny human baby out of “Magical-Pinocchio-Wood” (just work with me here).

Each of you is assigned half a body. On the completion date you will bring your respective halves to the table where they will be put together.

Add some magic dust while wishing upon a shooting star and whala!—a real boy.

Now suppose you both where hit with the unfortunate procrastination bug so that when the time came your little Pinocchio was missing an arm from your side and a leg from your partner’s.

Any witnesses to your one-armed-one-legged creation would undoubtedly conclude, “You suck at mak’n babies.”

One arm. One Leg. Would you call that whole?  100%? Complete?

*                *                *

Crafting a healthy marriage is much the same.

In marriage 50 + 50 does not equal 100. Instead 100% + 100% equals 100%. One “whole” person, plus one “whole” person, equals one “whole” marriage.

So what are you bringing to the table? How healthy are you? Do you struggle with insecurity? Are you lonely and depressed? Are you unhappy? Do you have any missing “limbs?”

Have you ever thought if I could just find someone I wouldn’t be lonely anymore? It won’t work.

Marriage doesn’t fix a broken heart; it reveals it. And don’t look to marriage as your source of happiness (read this crazy study! ) An unhappy single person who gets married becomes an unhappy married person.

But.

If you are happy in your singleness, you will be happy in your marriage.

The question is not do you complete me?  But do I complete us?

Watch the Tantalizing Video here!  

This book.  Absolutely fantastic.  In this deep research study Shuanti on discovered how the happiest marriages didn’t look to their marriage to make them happy.

What is lust?

“I must have it at once!”

That’s what lust is.

All men have to fight the daily battle of sexual lust. And many women as well. It is the most obvious of avenues. But there is oh so much more.

Lust isn’t boxed in the category of sexuality. I can lust emotionally. Relationally. Spiritually. I can lust anything. It isn’t simply a sexual struggle.

No, it goes far deeper than that.

Any time I feel that I deserve to have something, and to have it soon; I am in danger of lusting. For lust always brings a sense of entitlement. But love is patient. And long-suffering.

*                *                *

It may be shocking to discover how often we lust.

Perhaps some girls lust a boyfriend. I’m not talking sexually, but emotionally. Lust says, “I must have the emotional security that comes from being in a relationship. And I need to have it now.”

The question is, does she really want him—or what he can give her?

I once struggled with emotional lust. I was, as one author put it, emotionally promiscuous.

I’d always had the ability to connect with girls at deeper level. I intuitively knew how to make them feel special. And this caused me to feel quite important. Though I had no intention of anything more than a friendship I would spend hours alone with girls, having deep conversations, and just emotionally connecting.

I broke a lot of hearts. I told myself that I genuinely cared for these girls, but what I really wanted was an emotional fix; to drink from the beauty of a woman, while offering no strength in return. I even wrote a song about it. But it wasn’t love. It was emotional lust.

Have we lusted a marriage?

A wise woman told me recently, “Many women have an intense desire to be married, but no desire to be a wife.” If your longing to be married is greater than your desire to be a great spouse you can know, it isn’t love. It’s lust.

Don’t get me wrong. Guys do this too. As John Eldredge so incineratingly put it: “Most men, you see, marry for safety; they choose a woman who will make them feel like a man but never really challenge them to be one.”

Us men easily lust admiration. I certainly have. I would rather look good now, than embrace all that it takes to become something truly great. For to do that would require admitting that I’m not worthy of admiration just yet.

Lust can be as simple as buying a car or maxing out a credit card at the mall.

We lust all the time.

*                *                *

Lust says, “I must have this at once.”

Love says, “I will wait. However long it takes.”

Waiting is so hard isn’t it?  But always worth it.  So let’s you and I commit to be people of love, shall we?

Watch the Tantalizing Video here!  

But staying in-love. . .how does one accomplish that?  There are books, articles, blogs (including this one), and family members all offering the secret to lasting love.  But which is right?  The mass volume of advice can be overwhelming.

But what if it’s actually very simple?  What if you already know how to keep love alive?  What if the same way you fell in-love was the same way you keep it alive?

*                *                *

First, how do you fall in-love?  I know.  There isn’t supposed to be a formula.  Love is mysterious and powerful.  But we’re not talking about what love is.

We’re asking, how does one fall in-love?  In a previous week we talked more in detail, but here are the spark notes.

1. Spend a significant amount of 1-on-1 time together.
2. Share your heart with each other.

Getting alone and revealing your dreams, fears, hurts, hopes, regrets, and so forth does this.  Maybe not at first.  But as the hours build up, inevitably, so do the feelings.

Now there are endless ways in which to spend time together.  There are countless means to express your inner self—what really makes you you.

But when you strip it down to its core you find some basic principles.  To have intimacy you must have some consistent time alone.  And you must talk about your life.  The shallow and the deep things; not one or the other.

This is how you fall in-love.  And it’s the way you keep the kettle boiling.

*                *                *

You must prioritize your marriage on your calendar—not in your heart.

Everyone prioritizes their marriage in their heart.  But actions are what make the difference.  Daydreaming isn’t what got you together.  You didn’t commit to dating and then never spend time alone.  And you didn’t think that having fun was some superficial activity either.

No, you planned your relationship on the calendar.  You made sure you spent some alone time every week.   And you talked a lot.

Now, it was easy then.  In marriage it’s harder.  But it doesn’t matter.  If you want keep love alive you still have to feed and water it.

Do you have a consistent date night?

Over and over again this is what you find amongst the happiest marriages.  They have a consistent, scheduled date night.  And they make it the highest priority of their week.  (Read about the study here.  See question 13)

Their kids aren’t #1.  Their careers aren’t first.  Not even their family.

They put their marriage above all.  They say “no” to a lot of good things because they are saying “yes” to the best thing: each other.  It’s what we do when we’re dating.  It’s what we need to continue to do in marriage.

Watch the Video Here!  

I must admit that it usually involves something I know I shouldn’t do.  But I really want to.  So I just look myself in the mirror and pose the question.

And it works.  Every time.

So I use it a lot.  But I always regret it.

The Q

So what is the question that always gets me in trouble?

“What’s wrong with that?”

Oh yes.  Have you said it too?

Whenever I’m not sure if a choice is a good one, but I want to make the decision anyway, I simply ask, “Well, what’s so wrong with that?”  And if someone else dares to question my judgment I just ask them the same thing.

The beautiful thing is that it allows to me justify any and every decision I want to.

What’s wrong with getting married at 19?  What’s so wrong with kissing him? Is it so wrong to text her? What’s wrong with . . .?

You get the idea.

Guess what?  Nothing is wrong with it.  There is nothing erroneous about marriage or kissing or dating or texting or anything else you want to throw in.

But what if it has nothing to do with right or wrong?  What if it isn’t about morals at all?

What if it’s just not a wise choice?  What if it’s just. . .well . . .foolish?  Could it be that it’s just not a smart choice for you right now?

We justify good things at the wrong time often.  “What’s wrong with getting married right now?”  Nothing.  Except, is it wise?  You’ve been together less than a year and you’re not even 21.  Maybe you should give this relationship some more time.

The list continues.

*                *                *

I must watch myself.  Justifying choices using a “morality meter” is an indicator that I’m headed in a regretful direction.  I may be making excuses for something that just isn’t the best choice for me right now.

Instead, get into the habit of asking, “Is this wise?”  This question rarely leaves you bruised and battered with remorse squashing your heart.  It’s certainly not the easiest path to take.  But later, after your wise choices have compounded upon each other, your future self will thank your former self for creating a future worth living.

Watch the Video Version Here!  

But.

Here we find ourselves at a critical crossroads.

Love is a beautiful mystery. It cannot be fathomed within the framework of empirical boxes and figures. Cannot be broken down into mathematical or biological equations. Love is the greatest force in the entire universe.

And when we crash into real Love it changes us forever.

But.

How we fall in love is different. The way in which we get those immaculate feelings can, in fact, be mapped out. And it is absolutely crucial to understand.

Lest we deceive ourselves.

*                *                *

We, as humans, have the ability to fall in love with nearly any person on planet earth.

Sound impossible? Seem crazy?

I know it does. Yet, regardless of who “fell for each other” the same steps are taken. It’s happened to me. Maybe its happened to you.

Step #1: Spend a significant amount of one-on-one time.

Step #2: Share your heart.

First off, get alone. Just the two of you. This includes talking on the phone. Then talk about the deeper things in your life. About your hurts. Your dreams. Your emotions.

Do this long enough and someone will develop feelings. Maybe not at first. Maybe not for a while. But eventually, it will happen.

Why it’s important for marriage

A common trait amongst happily married couples is their commitment to a consistent time together; such as a date night (read about it here. see question 13). The couples that find time to get alone together and talk on a consistent basis are more likely to be happy years down the road.

My parents took it even further.   Four times a year they would leave us kids at home and go for an overnight date. They spent a few days getting alone and sharing their heart.

And after 40 years of marriage they are more in love now than ever.

Why it’s important for dating

Just because I feel an incredible inclination for someone does not mean it is a good relationship. This is how we find ourselves in bad situations. We spend a lot of alone time with someone we probably shouldn’t and inevitably experience emotions we never expected.

Only later, after the feelings have calmed, do we realize the mess we’re in.

When people are asked why they should get married many say, “Because we are in love.” The problem with that answer is that you can fall in love with just about anyone.

You may not be able to control who you are attracted to, but you can control who you spend time with.

Feelings come and go. But a relationship built on wisdom has staying power.

Watch the Video Version Here!