What if you bump onto your 6 years ex?

I stayed silent. Perhaps because I didn’t expect to be asked that question. I smiled. And so I started sharing.

“I guess it would be awkward and i’d pray I’ll never ever see him again. It is too painful to remember. Maybe I would smile, just maybe. Because I am happier now. Maybe I would be proud too, because I am at the position where he degraded me. But there’s one thing for sure, I would repeatedly give thanks to God for letting him to go to another woman and not me. I wouldn’t ever want to be with someone like that.”

Why not?- he asked again.

“I don’t want to be living with someone knowing that I would have trust issues with him, knowing that somehow, somewhere I would find him with another lady in social media. I don’t have those issues with my current partner. I’m blessed because he has been amazing in his own ways. I learn so much through him, that love is something just different. All my life, this incident shook me hard and shaped me completely. God has been amazing giving me all his blessings and through this current one, i learn so much about life itself.

i learn not to be selfish, i learn not to be self less. I share more things now, I learn to give and take. And i know at the depth of my heart, he is responsible enough to know that his love is love.

I don’t need a man who makes me sacrifice so much and at the end of the day, leave me behind because he’s found something much more worth it. Whether it is other women or work. Then put all the blame on me.

And as much as i didn’t have closure from Ridhwan, I don’t need to. I closed it myself. I will never ever open those doors again.

To the ex, i am not happy for you. I will never be. But i know one day, God will have his ways to show you what i went through.

Good lUck!

Especially about weddings.

I don’t get it why Malay girls would appear wearing dresses with slits to a traditional reception. I understand it’s a personal preference/choice. But I feel that the least we could do is to respect the parents of the bride/groom.

I don’t get why fiance/fiancee have to come and appear to our own family reception. Let me give you an example. Say my brother is getting married and i invite my friends. Worst, my cousin is getting married, and I invite my partner. I truthfully don’t see any link in there.

I have never been a fan of attending wedding ceremonies. Oh gosh.

And i hate pressures to conform on weddings.

Hate it.

Just hate it.

Rude people ticks me off and as she was trying to convince my other colleague that my hair cut made me look like an unknowingly disgusting brat, I knew i had to take the leap before she took control. I felt that I deserve that respect and so I told her off. I felt that respecting the elders have to be limited only if they give that equal respect that you deserve.

Was I taking a step too far away? I don’t think so. I felt that i deserve that respect equally and she had  no rights in condemning the way my hair cut is. I mean, what’s the issue anyway? It’s my hair.

But it was affecting me as I kept thinking about it. I told myself the cleaner might be jealous over the cool stuff i had over my table. I mean, that’s the only rationale that makes sense on why she didn’t clean my table, have my area vacuumed. That was only the assumption that I could think of. And hello, she’s like freaking 50. Why would someone double my age would want to be passing that kind of remark?

I pretty much hate it if someone has an issue and not confront me about it and choose to rebel in their own ways like not talking, not cleaning, not doing what they are tasked to do.

Come on Auntie. You wouldn’t want me to report to the HR that you have been bringing your family members for water at our office right?

So quit it.

It’s not about work you see. It’s not about school either. It’s about the people that I am with that makes me suffocate more than I could ever imagine. People drained me a lot.

I used to think I am an extrovert  but after some few therapy sessions, Me and my therapist realise that i have an inner introversion in me and that keeping silent and pretending things are okay are sinking into me.

Which makes me come to a second point. I only complain on things and my dissatisfaction to people that I am very very closed with, which is Anton. But we had a conversation yesterday. About a lot of things. It made me reflect and feel that pretending to be okay might save hearts and tears away. Sometimes, I am genuinely unhappy about things, but i’ve been trained to be thankful, to accept the way it is and to be happy about it.

Truth is, I am not happy for a lot of reasons. I know, it’s all based on my responsibility of taking ownership of my feelings. But when i complain about things, and have that negative vibe, it makes me feel better. I feel there is something wrong somehow. Like I am not happy but I don’t even know why.

I wish for things to be better. I wish my hormones would behave better. I hate it when people ask are you okay? Because I am not. I am tired of answering questions and assumptions that school is making me stress when it’s not.

It’s the people who expects me to be happy, who expects me to be behaving and taking in so much roles.

Well, I guess, keeping silent and pretending things are the best option that i can have.

Afterall, I have a lot of roles to take to make everyone else happy.

There was a time i was really mad at Anton, but more of mad to myself. I’ve forgotten why which is why this post is relevant. I realise that I no longer would think about the things that hurts me.

I got an invitation from a dating agency to share about effective communication between couples. Okay, generally the target group are men so I would be generally talking about how they should deal with their partners or future partners or anything in that line.

Referring to the image above, this is less likely to be us. But that day happen so that I was mad about something. I don’t know about what and he tried to cheer me up with this. I couldn’t help it but to smile widely in the bus which made my day.

Friends do question whether Anton would generally get jealous over me and other guys being close friends. Like of course, he is and would be jealous. But it’s a reasonable kind of thing. He allows me to have my own time which is practically acceptable and he also does not control my movement at all! That being said, for an effective communication to happen, I always believe in trusting our partners in everything that they are doing. Trust them enough to know that they do know how to react to circumstances and situation.

I have been overly transparent with Anton in this relationship. I reckon that is what works best for us. Both of us are working hard to make things work. It is effortless but we are making sure that things fall in place easily.

I am a CHOOSY person. choosy in everything. In food, in new environments, in places that we go. Technically, I am a hard girl, just as i believe it is. But this man, he softens me in every way i can imagine.

But hell yeah, he’s a tough guy to handle okay. It takes lots of patience (HEAPS OF IT) So technically its not me alone! HAHHAHAHAHA.

I once thought he was weird and rigid, BUT that was what makes everything different i guess. Things got better over the months and I must say I am thankful to God for this.

Oh wells, Got to go and do work now!

Without meaning to,
he’s disarmed me
with kisses that soothe
and alarm me.

In arms that terrify
and calm me

-Lang Leav

It comes down to trust. 

As you grow older, I think it really becomes harder and harder to just inherently trust people. There are so many examples in your life where you have just gotten absolutely shafted by people that it becomes hard to not be a little bit cynical about things. But putting your faith and trust in someone else gives them the opportunity to really surprise you…and I would rather live my life happily surprised that unpleasantly pissed off all the time.

It is my first day of coming back to work today. It’s such a hard time to get through the day without having to feel so stressed about it. The whole day has been kept reserving my energy as i entirely feel so tired.