You ask your husband to fetch something out of the refrigerator. This could be any number of things – a soda, Dijon mustard, eggs, sour cream, whatever. He comes back to you empty handed saying he couldn’t find it. Now, you know that it’s in there. You put it in the refrigerator. It was there earlier in the day and you are certain it has not walked off on its own in protest over being put next to the raw meat. But he’s sticking to his guns claiming the product you want is nowhere to be found in the fridge. So, you walk over to the fridge, interrupting your activity, and pull the item out of the fridge and show it to him. Ta-da! There it is! Right in front of you! At this point, he either puts the blame on you, “Well, if you knew where it was, then why didn’t you get it?” Or he plays dumb, “It wasn’t there a minute ago. I looked.”

This, my friends, is called The Man Syndrome.

All men have it. If you think you can cure your husband of this particular syndrome, think again. It’s incurable. Treatable, yes. But at the present time there is no known cure. Early diagnosis is key.

First, early on in your marriage (or relationship/partnership – whatever – I’m sure gay men have the same syndrome), you need to be aware of the signs. For instance, does he seem to always know where his stuff is but when it comes to your stuff, he’s clueless? I’m not saying he needs to know where you keep every pair of earrings but he should be aware of the places of the home where your purse and keys are kept. If so, this is a sign of “blinders.” Just knock him over the head once in awhile and he’ll realize that you live there, too.

Another sign is his preoccupation with Sports Center. This causes him to not notice anything around him other than where the remote is located. Again, hitting him over the head every once in a while will help him get more in tune with his surroundings. You can also have him clean up so that he may remember where things go.

Aside from interrupting his ESPN viewing habits, address the kitchen duty issue. Does he help put away groceries? No? Well, then you need to encourage him into helping out. This way, any time you are asking him to get you something out of the cupboard, pantry, or fridge, then the chances of him coming back empty-handed decrease.

So, the next time you run into this situation, you know what to do. Knock him over the head, force him to put the groceries away, and make him pick up the clutter around the house while you sit and watch The Cooking Channel.

I’ve been married longer than 10 years, which means my spouse and I met via an old-fashioned way. We worked together. The first time we argued (bickered, actually), we knew we were MFEO (made for each other). It wasn’t quite love at first sight because I had visions of me hitting him over the head with a cutting board (we worked in a restaurant together), but eventually we understood the constant butting heads actually meant something more. It meant that I was always right and he came to the realization that I was a better chef than him. Somewhat true, at least the chef part.

Now that online dating has progressed to be the behemoth that it is now, I wonder if we would find each other online. Every time commercials for match.com or eHarmony.com pop up on television, I turn to my hubby and tell him that we need to fill out profiles to see if we get matched on the sites. He just looks back at me like I’m nuts and tunes me out. I pester him again and he just shakes his head. I know what he’s thinking — She needs to stop watching TV. Her brain is beginning to rot. See? MFEO.

But then I begin to speculate that if we did fill out the personality forms that we would not be matched at all. Like, maybe… we aren’t a good match. According to a computer program, that is. Perhaps the computer knows something I don’t. Computers know all… right? Hal was pretty smart. My computer seems rather with it most days. Maybe I should ask it. Who am I kidding? I know what it will say. You’re off your rocker. Stop wasting so much time on the computer.

Yeah…yeah. I know. You can’t find a match like this online.

We need our own dating commercial. One for a local mom and pop restaurant … Find your perfect mate while working here. See if you are MFEO as you argue about cold cuts and organizing the walk-in cooler. And then it shows 2 people throwing lunch meat at each other and then sneaking a kiss around the dry goods.

Then I can envision a couple watching TV, who met online at eHarmony.com, begin to wonder if they would have found each other if they had both worked in the same restaurant.

Nah. Probably not. No magic computer program. No match. In their case, computer knows all.

Of course, you can always use the “agree to disagree” tactic. But… that’s a cop-out. Agree to disagree? Come on. You’ve been arguing for hours, days, weeks, months and in some cases, years. You’ve got to settle this once and for all.

If you find yourself fighting with your spouse, try using these  methods to settle your arguments:

• Thumb wrestling. One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war.
• Rock, paper, scissors. Best 2 out of 3 will win.
• Arm wrestling. This only works if you and your spouse are similar in stature. However, you can get by using this if the husband is about a foot taller than the wife and she’s allowed to use her whole body in the match.
• Feet fight. Sit on opposite ends of the couch with your feet in the middle. Using only the feet, see who can push the other off the couch first.
• Staring contest. First one to blink loses.
• Breath holding. See who can hold their breath the longest.
• Quietest spouse. This is effective especially you are both talkative.
• High card. Each pick from a deck of cards to see who picks the highest card. That person wins.

These may seem childish to you and you are probably right. I did get these ideas from my kids. However, they do work. Kids have an uncanny way of solving arguments by using some of these tactics and they rarely hold grudges against each other.

So, the next time you and your spouse are fighting over how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop (three is not enough; the owl is wrong), try a game of rock, paper, scissors.

I made it through 5 minutes of the show before I couldn’t take it anymore and switched the channel to a rerun of Baywatch. I felt like I needed to cleanse my brain and Baywatch was the most benign show on. I know… I know… Baywatch? Well, at least Baywatch is fiction and supposed to be cheesy and dumb. Bridalplasty is just… inane and crass.

As I cleared my head to make way for actual deep thoughts, I began to wonder about shows like Bridalplasty and the Real Housewife shows on Bravo. I had an epiphany that the real purpose of these shows is to make the rest of us normal people feel smarter and better about ourselves. Think about it. Spend 10 or so minutes (if you can make it) watching The Real Housewives of Orange County and see if it boosts your ego. I can pretty much guess that you are not  a shallow, petty woman bickering with your neighbor, who also happens to be a shallow, pig-headed, high-heeled, loud-mouth female. No, your friends, if you are like me, fall into the category of smart, caring, jean or yoga-pant-wearing, chasing-around-kids type of women. You honestly don’t have time to bicker with your friends about anything worthy of being on a reality show.

My husband feels such disdain for these shows, that he fails to see my point. He feels that the Real Housewife men and women and the contestants on Bridalplasty are sucking up his oxygen and contributing to climate change by emitting carbon dioxide each time they speak, which seems to be all the time.

I tried to convince him that these shows offer some marriage counseling for the rest of us. If anything, the shows illustrate to our husbands that they don’t have it so bad. See what the other options are? Terrifying! That fight last week over the ketchup ain’t nothing compared to what they fight about on TV. Geez. We’ve got it good.

As my hubby remains in the camp that wants to cut off services like power, water, and sewage to Orange County, parts of DC, and select areas of New Jersey and Atlanta, I see value in these shows even if I cannot sit through a full episode. Just 5 or 10 minutes is enough to make me feel better about myself. I am smart after all. I actually have a decent marriage and my friends don’t try to pull my hair whenever I have them over for parties.

Life is good.

Or maybe my husband and I are just crass and gross. Unless company is around, we let ‘r rip. I don’t like hearing it during dinner, so farting during meals is a no-no. However, any other time is free game.

This makes me curious about celebrity couples. If I knew a regular, non-famous couple that never-ever farted in front of each other, then I’m sure this is standard practice in Hollywood marriages. Celebrities are probably downing Beano by the handful. Can’t let anyone know they are human, not even their partners.

But… it is basic biology. Everyone does it. Really. Even Angelina. And I’m pretty positive Brad farts. Do Brad and Angie play the fart game in bed? I wonder. What am I thinking? They aren’t that gross. They are above that. They are Hollywood royalty, no less.

But… they have kids. Lots of them, so I can pretty much guess they’ve had conversations about poop, pee, and of course, farting. Kids always tend to bring adult conversations down to a sophomoric level.

So, if you ever get the chance to meet a celebrity — Brad, Angie, George, Leo, or Johnny — remember they fart like everyone else. They are human after all.

And also remember that your spouse lets loose when you aren’t around or if y’all are like us, then you let it out while watching the news or Glee. Either own up to it, blame the dog or play dumb. Did you hear that? Someone stepped on a duck! And boys, I advise against asking your wife to “pull your finger.” She’s your wife, not a 5-year-old boy. You may lose fart privileges if you do.

Farting is a part of life.

Better out than in, that’s what I always say. — Shrek

When a friend was getting married not too long ago, my hubby warned him of something that no one ever tells you before getting married. He said, “You are not only marrying her but you are marrying the family, too. Think about it.” Even if you live thousands of miles away from your in-laws, chances are they still have some influence on your marriage. Yep. Uh-huh. You know I’m right. (See, I’m always right. Well, sort of.) Families are not perfect, not even yours and certainly not mine. They will annoy you. If they didn’t, then there is something wrong. But they are family and you love them anyway. Most of the time.

How do you deal with in-laws? How do I cope with mine? How does my husband cope with his?

Instead of doing shots of vodka before they come over or while they are here, we have zen-like moments between us. We imagine them as children and try to scope out the funny moments. This can be difficult. Try imagining your mother-in-law as a 3-year-old child with ice cream all over her face. Surely, that will put a smile on your face.

However, you also need to realize that your family is going to annoy your spouse. You see, I know when my family is getting under my hubby’s skin. He starts to tremble and get a twitch in his shoulder. If I don’t intervene soon, his eyes will glaze over and he’ll start banging his head against the wall. I either divert the conversation or get him out of the room. This is why I never, ever bring up topics such as politics or religion. Never. Ever. I learned a long time ago that these topics don’t go over so well during holiday dinners, especially with my family. Someone always gets mad and storms out of the room. If I had a differing viewpoint than my father, he would look at me like I was from outer space. Who is this child of mine? She can’t possibly be blood related. My hubby and I have the same political and religious viewpoints (that’s why we are married) but these do not match those of my family. I warned him as such and it has made holiday gatherings more tension-free and less likely for my husband to poke his eyes out with the fireplace poker.

But how do I cope with my nutty in-laws? Oh boy… well… I don’t drink very much, but maybe I should start when they are around. However, sitting in the corner sipping brandy is not going to calm me. I’ll get really loopy and start annoying them. Not really the angle I’m going for here. Now, you can certainly try that approach with your in-laws. It may work for you. I suggest trying this method instead: Close your eyes and imagine your “happy place.” Don’t tell anyone about your happy place or else they’ll try to visit and it will be ruined. Forever.

To sum up, remember these things:

• No drinking unless you are a quiet, well-maintained drinker
• Close your eyes and go to the happy place in your head
• Save your spouse from your in-laws or at least help him/her cope
• Don’t talk about controversial topics unless you like eggs and jello thrown at you.

Got it? Now, you are ready for the holidays.

You see, in my marriage, my husband and I have an understanding. I’m always right and he’s only right 10% of the time, like on days when I’m not feeling well or sick or absent from the conversation. As long as we keep this balance, then our marriage is happy.

When we got married, we were each given advice:

Advice to me: Laugh a lot.

Advice to my husband: Learn to say “Yes, Dear.”

Over the years, we’ve taken this advice to heart. We laugh a lot (at each other, the kids, or at 30 Rock) and my husband is great at saying “Yes, Dear.” In fact, he excels at it. I appreciate the fact he is willing to agree with me on almost anything. Even after spending the whole Christmas budget on a set of Poison albums signed by Bret Michaels, he just calmly walked out of the room after I opened the UPS box. Sure it meant we wouldn’t have good Christmas presents (unless you love Poison), but it didn’t seem to phase him at all. I just simply ignored the mumbling under his breath as he left the room and locked himself in the bedroom. I pretended not to hear him when he shouted (thinking I was out of earshot), “Poison?! Come on! They suck!”

So, as you can see, the “Yes, Dear” advice is golden. No more fights. No more arguing over who’s a better lead singer — Bono or Steve Perry. As long as I’m always right, then this whole marriage thing is easy.

However, I admit… marriage is a two-way street. The takeaway lesson here is not to take yourself too seriously. While I’m nearly always right, I will concede that there are a few times when he actually has a valid point. Like in our argument over who was the best Joker, Jack or Heath. He was correct in picking Heath because of the depth of the movie, whereas Jack’s Joker was more cartoonish.

And perhaps he was right about Poison. They really weren’t that good. But I’ll never admit that to him. I don’t want to him to get a big head and think he’s won.

For instance… The other day, we were sitting in our Captain’s Chairs and watching a picky couple on House Hunters. This couple complained about the size of the walk-in closets. “I don’t know. They seem too small. It’s not really a walk-in closet.” Mind you, she’s standing in the closet with a camera person next to her. I’d say it’s big enough unless you are royalty or Paris Hilton. My hubby, looked over at me and said, “We would not be friends with them. No way.” I agreed. I couldn’t be friends with someone with more clothes, shoes, and bags than me.

But watching this couple and making judgments about them based on their house hunting skills, led into more discussion about our own set of friends.

Me: “These people on TV are too vanilla for us. And we’re white.”

Husband: “You know, none of our friends are normal.”

Me: “We’re not normal. We must attract other abnormal people.”

When you go in search for friends as a couple, it can be hard. We’ve lived in a few different places over the past couple of years. My closest friend lives far, far away from us. She’s a little odd. That’s what I love about her. I’ve known her for years, so she doesn’t really count. However, when I look at the friendships we’ve made over the years with other couples, each and every one of them has a particular quirk, a certain amount of weirdness, if you will. Suffice it to say we don’t have normal (according to society’s norms) friends.

Or do we?

Perhaps it’s us. I’m sure our friends think they are wonderful and normal in society’s eyes and we’re their weird-o friends. We are the Odd Couple.

And I wonder how we would look on House Hunter’s. We’d probably come off as two odd-balls, I bet. I’d have a tough time not making sarcastic remarks about the 70’s decor and we’d probably use obscure movie references when talking to each other about the house. My husband would do his best Mickey impression from the movie Snatch (Brad Pitt’s character that you can’t understand). I doubt we’d talk about the closets except to say, “I wonder if I could hang meat in here. Does it look big enough to cure ham?”

I’m sure that if the vanilla couple was watching us while sitting in their Captain’s Chairs, the husband would lean over to his wife and say, “We would not be friends with these people. They are just too weird for us.” And she would agree. How could she possibly be friends with someone who thinks the closet is the perfect size for curing sausages?

The secret to a long lasting marriage is a set of captains chairs. Each spouse gets a chair — a Lazy Boy recliner, a fancy Ethan Allen chair, or a particular spot on the sofa. If you are new to this whole marriage thing, you need to head to Ikea or the closest furniture store. However, before I discuss these new chairs, let me first congratulate you on your marriage and welcome you to the club. The secret phrase for entry in to this exclusive club is, “The couple that pees together, stays together.” Think you can remember that? Good. Moving on…

The chairs. Ah yes. Two captains chairs for the newlyweds. Go to the furniture store and pick out a chair that fits your personality. Now, ladies, I know that you want all of your furniture to match. You want your new home to look “grown up” and not like a 22-year-old’s dorm room. You have faithfully put away your life size poster of Justin Timberlake and successfully convinced your new husband that he does not need to keep the wagon wheel coffee table, no matter how cool it is. However, your husband needs a captain’s chair. It needs to be one that he can sit in each night and one that screams, “Yes, my husband picked this out. That’s why it doesn’t match anything.” OK? You can do it. I have faith in you. Let him pick out one piece of furniture. It’s ok.

These chairs are more than just places to sit and relax. It is from these chairs that problems are solved, favorite TV shows are watched, and noses are picked. If you don’t have captain’s chairs, I don’t know how you even function as a couple. From where do you run your household? The kitchen? The dining room? These are two likely places but they don’t have captain’s chairs. You see, with 2 captain’s chairs, you are attempting to be co-captains on the starship Enterprise. I leave it up to you to decide who is Spock and who is Kirk. In my marriage, my husband is Spock because he is much brainier than me and I’m Kirk. I make the tough decisions like what to eat for dinner. He contemplates big issues like religion and politics. Oh and plus, I’m cheesy and weird. Kirk fits me.

But think about these captain’s chairs for a moment. When I look back at the marriages in my family… grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles, I see them all with 2 chairs. My grandpa had a huge recliner where he often ignored Grandma’s requests to change the channel and Grandma had her own chair where she filed her nails and worked on crossword puzzles. When I was little, I always felt funny if I sat in Grandpa’s chair, like I was breaking the law or something. If I sat in it, it meant Grandpa had to sit somewhere else and possibly lose control of the TV. Oh the horror! But control of the TV is only part of the chair’s power. Debates and conversations about your married life happen in these chairs. You discuss the kids, your family, his family (crazier than mine, btw), and whether or not Jen should have been kicked off of Top Chef.

These are important pieces of furniture. This is your control center. Where you fight off invaders (like kids) and discuss battle plans.

So, Mr and Mrs Newlywed, choose your captain’s chairs wisely. And to the rest of us, don’t let the kids sit in them or else they’ll start controlling the household. I’m pretty sure you don’t want the kids in control unless you want to have gummy worm soup for dinner. I hear it’s yummy.