The old things don’t seem to fit me anymore.  I have been mostly absent on social media – I read but I don’t really post much.  I have had trouble getting acclimated to being in NOVA again…the biggest sign of which is that I have yet to meet a single person…in over a year.   I have not joined anything – a church, a club, a social group.  I have not even really tried at this point.

I am not a singer. I don’t live alone.  I am a wife.  I am supposed to be an “expert” in a new job.  I am a creative who is not creating because I have convinced myself that I can’t…so I just keep making things that take no creativity at all.

I feel paralyzed right now.  And I feel like I don’t fit into my own life anymore.  At least the vision of my life that I had built in my head – my own self image is no longer me.

The way I used to eat, work, sleep, move, dream, create…it has all changed but my mind still thinks I am the old me and tries to be that old self.  Its why I have stopped writing here.  I don’t know who I am enough to write anything.

So while I work on this, be patient with me.  Pray for me to find the path that God has made for me.  And don’t be surprised if the old ways are replaced by new ones.

I used to start my testimony by talking about singing.  It is the thing I have done the longest in my life and the thing I always believed I was relatively good at.  When I was younger singing gave me a voice (no pun intended).  I was shy and the only time I seemed to have any bravado was when I was singing.  I wasn’t a born performer, but I loved it and I did it constantly (like really – ask my sister how annoying I was).

After quitting singing for several years, I came back to it as an adult in my grief over my dad’s passing.  It led me to the church and to a renewal of a faith I thought was gone.

The one thing that singing rarely did was lead me to the sense of belonging I longed for.  I absolutely met people through music.  Some by being part of groups and some because they introduced themselves to me after hearing me sing.  But I truly longed to be one of those people that was surrounded by musical people…someone who wasn’t just invited to be a soloist in things, but was part of a community of musicians that worked together in different capacities and became lifelong friends. It was a fantasy born out of movies and TV shows…and I craved it.

But that never really happened.  Music was not the center of most of my friendships.  For the ones that are musical, it was usually a hobby or a ministry.  A rare few were musicians full time.  I wanted people to love it as much as I did but there were no opportunities for gatherings where we all gathered around a piano and sang and played just for the fun of it.  And that always bothered me.  I wanted to know those people.

For years I thought this longing was about me not fitting in.  Surely, some of these musical people did these things…I was just not a part of it.  I mean, how could you love music and NOT want to do it all of the time?

The hard truth is however, that as I got older, my reason for singing was corrupted.  I didn’t do it for attention (although I think some think I did)…I did it for acceptance.  I was looking for a sign that people liked me.  And when I sang in public I got that positive reinforcement.   I kept looking for acceptance from people because I felt so unlovable and so disconnected.  Singing made me special…and it seemed to be the only thing that made me different in a good way.

When I had my surgery, I lost my voice for a while.  And even now, 18 months later, I still don’t have the voice I had before the surgery.  I don’t think it is gone forever – I think I am extremely out of practice.  The voice is a muscle and you will lose it if you don’t exercise it.  And I get frustrated with it and I feel disappointed in how hard it is to just sound like me.  And I don’t like that I have to work so hard at something that always came so easy.

But honestly, the longer I wait, the more time I have to think about why I would want to start singing again.  No one is clamoring for it.  No one is asking me to join anything or do anything.  It makes no difference to anyone if I ever sing again (and I don’t mean that in a “please reassure me” kind of way).  It only matters to me.

I keep hoping I will get back to the feeling I had as a kid – when I couldn’t imaging my life without music.  I miss that part of me – the passion to express in such a manner.  And I wonder if my lack of passion has to do with finding my voice in other places.   Or if it is linked to the feeling that I don’t need everyone to accept me anymore.  Or maybe, it was a season and it was meant to end.

I used to have nightmares where I thought about how I would not want to live if I lost the ability to sing.  That sounds really bad – but it was such a huge part of my identity that losing that felt like losing me.  And I would wake up crying.   I didn’t feel that way when it happened.  And the fact that I am not clamoring now to start again, may just be a sign that my focus in life has changed.

I still sing when it is fun.  But more often than not, I stop pretty quickly and sit in silence.

I am good copier.  But I am not a creative at heart.  And I don’t have a good sense of color or pattern.  So if it is not spelled out for me, I struggle with it.

With that in mind, I got into crafts in my 20’s and I fell in love with papercrafting.  At the time, Creative Memories was the thing and style was simple.  The goal was only to get your pictures into books and minimally decorate them.  That world has changed a lot in the 20+ years since I started and today’s scrapbookers are largely looking for more and more artistic expressions in their pages.  The internet has spurred that.  I have to believe that there are still people who just add pictures to a book and get a little bit of decorating in and call it a day.  But if you looked online, you would never know it.

I also discovered stamping and card making in my 20’s.  I think it started with my sister selling Stampin Up.  She will correct me if I am wrong here, but I think that is where it started for me.  Stamping and card making was something that I went in and out of over the years.  When clear stamps came out, I got excited again…the issues I had with wood mounted stamps were gone.  But my lack of creativity kept me from really doing much.  If I couldn’t easily copy something…I didn’t do it.

I would make cards here and there, get discouraged that they were not “better” and then stop again.  A pattern that happened over and over in the past 20 years.

So it was a shock to me when I started thinking about wanting to sell Stampin Up.  In fact, what kept me from doing it for so long was the idea of “selling”.  I have nothing to offer in this realm.  It is not me at all.  But this month I bit the bullet and signed up.  So how did I get here?

First, let me say, I didn’t sign up to sell.  I am what is called a Hobby Demonstrator.  I joined for the discount and I am prepared to meet the quarterly sales goals on my own.  If I sell – great.  If I don’t – I am still ok.

I like the limited color pallet. I like that there are a ton of products and new ones come each year.  And the internet is full of ideas – even instructions – that make the process easier.  I see this as an opportunity for me to spend time learning, trying, getting better at this…investing in me.

One byproduct of this has been that I am motivated to clean out a lot of the other stuff I own.  So I am giving some away, using some, and finding new uses for other things.  I am doing the one thing I have been too paralyzed to do – I am making things.  They are not very good things.  They are not worthy of pictures.  But I am making things.  And with practice, I hope to get better at it.  You would think after 20 years I would have this down already, but its never too late to get moving in the right direction.

March 1, 2018.  Second Surgery Day.

May 12, 2018.  Wedding Day

June 17, 2018.  Moving Day.

These were all changes that I chose.  I made the decisions – these were not circumstances that I fell into (except maybe surgery #2 – I just got to choose when, not if).  There is something about making such big life changes that takes away the excuses to make other big choices.  And I have.

I made a choice at work – and the results are still being worked on – but it would result in a huge change.  And I decided to join Stampin Up – literally something I have thought about for years but was never willing to make the choice to just try it.

So here’s the thing – change is coming easier than ever before.  BUT…not all changes are good.

I am struggling with food again.  Before you think the worst, let me explain.   In December, I had officially reached my 1 year landmark and the food restrictions were lifted.   I was allowed to have grains again – bread, pasta and rice.  In the last several months, I have had pasta only twice – I didn’t respond well, so I am not having it again.  I have had rice a few times, quinoa a time or two but bread…bread is my nemesis.  If I could, I would have bread in every meal, every day and as a snack.  I decided this weekend, it has to come off the table again.  I can’t handle it well.  It’s my drug.

The other thing I need to get back to on the regular is weighing food.  I am eating more than I should.  No where near where I was (and I am better about stopping when I feel full) but that should not be the measure I am using.  Overall, I am starting with a plate that is too full.  Weighing food again is a change that needs to happen.

I can’t tell you the fear that I have about saying this out loud.  And the shame.  You all have been supportive and loving and you keep commenting on how good I look and how hard I have worked at this.  In my mind however, all I see is how I have failed as of late.  And that way of thinking will lead me a very bad place if I am not careful.   My pattern is that once those thoughts come, I give in to them and I stop caring enough to try.  “Why bother?” is my usual response.

So that has to change too.

Of all of the things I have changed, this will be the hardest.  Losing weight – even with surgery – is 90% a mind game.  That last 10% is about the physical choices you make.  Exercise, weight your food, take your vitamins, be mindful…all of those things matter.  But changing how you think about things makes all the difference.

• My knees ache when the weather is bad (and sometimes when its not)
• My body makes popping, creaking noises when I stand up
• I wake up earlier than I ever have in my life and I go to bed earlier than I ever have.  I can’t “hang” anymore as my sister used to say.
• A blazing night is TV and my husband and dinner

But there is one thing that has been a continual surprise to me (given my history).  I am officially out of touch.  I don’t know who the Housewives are (I mean individually know who they are) nor do I care.  I don’t follow the Kardashians.  I don’t recognize most of the names on the radio.  I don’t watch many of the TV shows that are popular.  Awards shows hold no importance to me as I don’t know who those people are.  And most surprising:  I don’t want to adapt to new technologies.

To understand this, you have to know where I came from.  I have always been the one that was excited about how tech could “improve” things.  I wanted the newest gadget and loved trying new things.  I often pushed my mother to embrace something that would make her life easier if she was just open enough to try it.  I had one hold out – which was largely precipitated by price – I had a blackberry long after I should have and only switched to a smartphone when I felt it was absolutely necessary.

Now to be clear, I never had the newest tech – it was always too expensive – but I always have loved trying new things and would make the move to a new technology with much enthusiasm.

And now…not so much.  There are still things I love, but I also now long for familiar.  I grumble when things change at work, I mutter to myself about “new-fangled” tech and I can’t still can’t grasp much of what is happening with social media.  Snapchat – outside of a few selfies – is a mystery I have yet to solve.  And it is close to passe’ anyway…there is new that I am sure that my niece and nephew could fill me in on.  But I am loath to be that aunt.

I don’t really know when my disconnection from the world around me happened.  I don’t remember making this choice.  I assume this is somewhat normal.  You move on from the things you used to love and a new generation moves on to things you never imagined.  But it kind of warps how I see myself.  And that has been an adjustment.

One of the signs of depression is that you lose interest in the things you love.  But this isn’t depression led.  Its more a maturity I think.  I outgrew those things.  And while I don’t really know when it happened, I am going to have to embrace it because it will not end.  Those days are over.  I am finding other things I want to do and new interests.  I just need my brain to catch up.

The systems make sure that nothing gets missed.  For me that means a series of routines I follow to make sure that all of the moving parts stay aligned the way they need to be.  I may not be able to complete them in the same exact order each time but I make sure to do all of the steps each time.  It keeps the jobs running smoothly, its keeps the clients expectations met, and it helps me double and triple check my own work to find errors before they are problems.

But because my job is essentially to be a middle man – between clients and suppliers – there is a level of chaos that happens.  I am not in control of the overall process…I have to lead and follow and be flexible enough to adjust to the constraints of each of the other’s needs.

I am good at it.  I like the mix.  I like the predictable part of the job and I like the unpredictable part of the process.

I find it ironic that I found such a place in this job because that mix of system and chaos is something that eludes in real life.  It is an essential part of my work but in my private life I can’t find the balance – its all chaos or its all systems.  But without the balance my brain can’t sustain one or the other.  I need both to be able to function at peak capacity.

So why is that so hard?

I have so many things I want to do in life.  Hobbies, reading, adventures, time with loved ones, travel…but I need to spend some time concentrating on the systems that will make all of that possible and finding the balance to be flexible so that small distractions and changes don’t throw me off course. Cause at the end of the day, my biggest issue is that I get easily distracted and I have a hard time “restarting” once I stop something (which is why I tend to be all or nothing).

Knowing how your brain works should be the first step.  Now I need to figure out step 2.

As I normally work from home, I really only go to the office if I have to.  Meetings, someone in from out of town, or on the rare occasion a company event I want to go to.  This week was Employee Appreciation Week at PS and so Tuesday I went to the office.  I went only so I could get the free back massage offered.  Once I was putty in some strangers hands, I went home.  I never would have allowed that to happen before.

Wednesday was supposed to be a big all day meeting but it was cancelled due to the weather.

Friday I was back in the office to get my 5 year award from the company.  I wore leggings and knee high boots.  That alone is worth noting as it is so far removed from my normal uniform of jeans and tennis shoes.

That night was the Employee Gala where I managed to stay awake late enough to see the prizes awarded and then head back to the hotel for a night of sleep.

I walked over 3 miles on Friday in boots.  I could have never done that before.

Saturday J and I went out and ran errands and had some fun.  Another almost 3 miles over the day.

3 miles a day is not rock star level walking.  But I did it without my knees giving out.  Without my back in serious pain.  Without having an asthma attack.  Without having to sit down to rest.  And I did that this weekend.

I am trying to adjust to how other people see me but truthfully I am also trying to adjust to being able to do the things I always I said I would do someday.  Someday is now.   And acknowledging that is owning up to the idea that I can’t make any more excuses.  I can do/should do the things I have always put off.

I still have weight to lose but I have taken my focus off the pounds and put it on what I can accomplish now that I could not before.  One small change on the surface…one huge difference in how I live everyday.

This week I am thankful for:

• A clean endoscopy – no ulcer was found
• My husband who stayed up with me Saturday night when the pain was really bad.
• The memories of a wonderful man who went home to see the Lord this weekend.  I didn’t know well, but his commitment to his community and to a friend of mine and her family, made me admire him.
• The snow that came this weekend.
• Seeing my mom on Saturday morning.

• I am thankful for 2018 being over and coming out of it better than I went into it.
• I am thankful for my husband who embraces my imperfections and doesn’t try to make me feel bad about them.
• I am thankful for my job changes that have been happening over the last couple of months.
• I am thankful for working at home – this was a tough week and it was such a blessing to be home.
• I am thankful for my mom who still worries about me.
• I am thankful that my sister has found her creative energy again…she is too talented to let it set aside.
• I am thankful for Facebook and its ability to keep me connected to those far and near.
• I am thankful for my surgeon who over a year after my surgery wanted to be the one to check and see what may be happening when things were going wrong.
• I am thankful for a God who loves me just as I am.

Last year, I had an ulcer at the end of December.  I had an endoscopy in early/mid January.  And now I am scheduled for an endoscopy again on Wednesday to look for an ulcer.  I am not sure if I did something wrong or if it just happened and I am going to be prone to it.

I thought this was a lactose intolerance.  Or IBS.  My doc is not so sure.   Wednesday will tell.  Obviously I trust his opinion more than my own on this.  (I sound like a hypochondriac here but trust me, I have serious anxiety about some of the changes that I can’t control)

The pain seems to come and go.  Some days are ok, some are not.  I have had to go back in my food journey to softer foods.  Hopefully this is all just another bump.  But if I need to make additional changes, then that is what has to happen to not have this happen again.