One nurse, made it known that a painkiller to ease her suffering would more than likely end in her passing.  It wasn’t a decision, it was a relief.  No one could watch this strong, beautiful woman suffer any longer.  She had been calling for her long-dead mother for days, crying out yet not replying to a single word, seldom recognising who anyone was.

I stayed in the room, alone with her, when they administered the drugs.  I changed her into her own nightdress, brushed her hair and washed her face.  And I swear, to this day, she smiled slightly when I told her it was ok, she could go now.

Many long hours later, with her fingers locked into mine, my Grandma took her last breath.

I kissed her face and smoothed her hair, full more of relief, than sorrow.

And now, nearly six months later, I am still haunted with loss.  And yet somehow, I’m at peace, knowing that she is in a better place, free from suffering, wrapped in the arms of loved ones.

I was practically brought up by my Grandma, and in many ways, she was a second mother to me.  She played this song on her piano, and when it featured in Peter Pan – my little sister and I begged and begged her to teach us to play it too.  And because we all knew it, because the words were so true – we had it played for her, at her funeral.

She was more than a Grandmother to me.  A Grandmother, a Mother, and more importantly, my closest Friend.
I miss you Nin-nin.

The (edited) poem below, by E.E. Cummings, I placed on her coffin along with her flowers.

Some people are never really gone.

i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go,my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing,
my darling)

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Twice, it hadn’t been right.

Twice, I’d shrunk from the question.

And instead, I would stand, years from now, bound in sequins and red cloth, shaming my parents and his.  Twice, I would be blessed by Gods I thought I cared nothing for – his and mine.

And stood in that church, holding flowers, holding hands, I knew I’d look back on that day, breathless in a corseted dress, afraid in the unfamiliar eyes of God.  I knew right then, in that moment, that I’d look back and I’d wish that that day had been mine.

And, it could have been, would have been.  I’m not sorry, not regretful, but ashamed.  Of what he is, of what we are, of what I have become.

Holding on, keeping faith, and all the time knowing – I’ve given up the world for someone who can’t shake the shame of me.

On his wedding day, my Best Friend held my hands in his, and whispered,

“It’s all wrong.”

And I’ve searched and searched, at the bottom of every bottle, to find the meaning, find the answer.

My first thought was that he meant his marriage.  But seeing how happy he was, erased any doubts I might have had.  He wasn’t talking about his relationship, or mine.  He wasn’t talking about us.

Our relationships are built on different stones, with meanings and reasons that couldn’t be more different.  We might be wrong together, but does that mean we’re right with the people we’ve chosen?

He loves his wife, and she loves him – the only thing that stands in their way of happiness is her lack of desire for children so early on in their marriage.  But he knows he’ll turn her to his way of thinking, whether it’s right or wrong to do so.

And me?  The only thing really standing in the way of my happiness, is me. 

I’m all wrong.

“Just don’t give up trying to do what you really want to do.
Where there is love and inspiration, I don’t think you can go wrong.”
- Ella Fitzgerald.

I’ve always been good at giving up.  First came ballet and horseriding, then meat, and church and God.  At times I’ve given up trying, given up my self respect.  I never thought I’d give up something I’d worked so hard for.  Infact, I was adamant that I wouldn’t give up teaching with The Other-Half asked me to.  But, things change.

Many teachers manage to be wonderful mothers and wives, while still being wonderful at their job.  But I’ve waited so long to be a mother, that I want to give it everything I have.  We’re lucky enough to be able to afford for me to be a stay at home mum, and I believe being at home with my kids will be better for them than putting them in day care.  And so, after lots of discussion with the Other-Half, I’ve decided to give up teaching.  You see, there’s a proposal looming, followed by a swift wedding and plans to start a family straight away.  I don’t want to waste time studying for teaching qualifications, only to give up the job almost as soon as I’ve started.

And so, I’ve decided to continue with the next best thing, for the time being.  I’ve had various roles in various schools, but have recently been working as a teaching assistant in a school nursery, and the job I’ve just taken for September, when I would have been starting my teaching course, is doing the same role, but in a very different school.

‘Quitting’ my course has raised a few eyebrows.  I worked hard to get a place on the course, I was over the moon when I got one, and talked constantly about being fully qualified, having my own classroom, setting my own lessons.  The truth is, I know I’d have made a wonderful teacher.  But I don’t believe I’d have been the best mother I could be.  I have a lot of respect for working mothers, and I understand that to some women – their career is an important part of their life.  I’m not saying that women who work are bad mothers – some have to work, some want to.   But for me personally, I see no benefit in paying to put a child into daycare when you’re willing and able to afford to stay at home and care for them yourself.

The children I’ll be working with in September are in the 2% of children in the UK who are classed as the most deprived.  In other words, 98% of children in the UK are better off socially, emotionally and economically than the children I’ll be working with.  I visited the school before I took the job, and fell in love with the pre-schoolers that I’d be working with.  These kids have nothing, and are a world apart from the children I’m working with at the moment in a typically white-middle-class nursery school.  The role of staff in a nursery school is to firstly educate and secondly care for.  But in schools like the one I’ll be working in, the children are mentally younger, and require more care than education.  That is, these kids need cuddles and reassurance, not counting rhymes and art equipment.  The benefit of being the teaching assistant rather than the teacher, is that you’re able to spend more time getting to know the children and less time worrying about teaching and assessing them.  My mental stability has been questioned by friends for taking a job that will undoubtedly take it’s toll on me emotionally.  But if you’d met these kids, you’d understand.

Do I regret withdrawing from my course to be a mother, before I am one?

No, because I’d give up the world to be a mum.  And before I am one, I’ll do everything I can to be fill the gaps in the lives of  the kids I’ve met who either have no mother, or would be better off without the one they have.

Maurice Sendak’s Where The Wild Things Are is my favourite book of all time.  My Granddad bought me it when I was five years old, and a few months later I had listened to the story so many times that I could retell it word for word.  I made boats out of cardboard boxes and bed sheets, and pretended to sail away to the land in the story.

The book tells a tale of a little boy called Max, who’s mother calls him a Wild Thing.  His bedroom turns into a jungle, and he sails away across the sea to the Land of the Wild Things.  The Wild Things make him their king, but he misses home and sails back to his mother, where his supper is waiting for him.

Every class of children I’ve had have been told this story.  We’ve talked about our own families and about whether we’d like to go and visit the Land of the Wild Things.  Then we’ve made boats out of cardboard boxes and bed sheets, and ‘rowed’ across the ‘sea’ to the other edge of the classroom, where vines hang and children in masks pretend to be Wild.

Needless to say, most of the children I’ve taught have grown to love this book as much as I have.  And I can’t express how excited I am about the movie.  Not because I think it will be better than the book, but because it will open the minds of children (and grown-ups) who don’t yet know the story.

The movie is out in October this year.  Do me a favour, and try watch it through the eyes of a child.  You never know, you might learn something about yourself.

Click here to view the movie trailer.

But my beloved Eileen Dover has fallen off the face of the internet!  I’m frankly distraught by this.

More so, because in the place of Eileen, is the photo of a drag-queen whose makeup has clearly been applied by a shovel.

Cruella on Crack.

Sad times..

Come (on) back Eileen!  I miss your sparsely made-up face and filthy mind.

I have done nothing I had planned to do before I hit this milestone.
And I am nowhere near.

I have done little I am proud of, and little that I regret.
My mistakes make me who I am, and my achievements are few and far between.

I am not a mother.
I am a substitute – a teacher.
Someone who borrows your children until 3.15pm, just to feel a little bit of their joy.

I am not a wife.
I am a dirty little secret.
Someone who is not quite good enough to risk a family for.

I am not myself.
I am treading water.
Someone who only knows the path home.

I am 25.  I have a whole lifetime ahead of me.
And it doesn’t feel like enough time.

The Creative Curriculum is a thematic approach to learning and teaching, designed to support children’s natural curiosity and stimulative their creative abilities.  It puts a high value on direct experience and the learning experiences that the local community of the school can offer.  This allows for learning in meaningful contexts – no more learning about obscure places and events that children can not relate to real-life.  Hurrah!

For our kids, this means one thing – learning is going to be fun.  For teachers?  It means that initially, planning is going to be a bitch.  But in the long term, children are going to enjoy a meaningful learning experience that teachers actually enjoy teaching.

For someone like me, on the brink of going into teaching (by which I mean, after a year of being paid peanuts, and another year of studying, I’ll finally be there), this is all pretty exciting.  I remember being back at school, and constantly wondering why we were learning about things we would never use after we left school.  I remember sitting exam after exam, based on abstract concepts, knowing full well that I would erase the knowledge I’d learnt the second I stepped out of the exam.  Back then, graduating primary school, middle school and high school could all be related to passing a driving test…  Driving lessons didn’t teach you to drive, they taught you to pass a test, and you learnt how to drive afterwards.  School didn’t teach you how to live, it taught you how to graduate, and you learnt how to live after you’d left.

In the words of Vampire Weekend – who gives a fuck about the Oxford comma?
Or to put it another way, why teach children things just so they can pass exams?  We should be teaching them how to learn, giving them the skills to go and learn about the things that interest them.  Aside from basic numeracy and literacy, who gives a fuck about ancient history and algebra?  I certainly don’t, and I can honestly say – with a full set of qualifications, I couldn’t do algebra if someone held a gun to my head, and I couldn’t tell you one single thing about the ancient Greeks.

I fully support The Creative Curriculum, and think although it may have it’s flaws, it’s a wonderful idea.  I’ve seen the beginnings of it implemented, and the change in attitude from both teachers and kids has been wonderful.  Learning should never be a chore, it should be an interesting, exciting experience that leaves you wanting more.  The CC is the first of what I hope to be many steps to ensure learning is a positive and relevant experience, and I think it’s fab.

If you haven’t already heard of The Creative Curriculum, or you’re interested in how your school might implement it – click here.

I’ve been working far too hard, I’ve been promoted, and I’ve been accepted onto a post graduate teaching course.  I’ve (unfortunately) been promoted to Head Bridesmaid for the nightmare wedding of the year ™ – due to the other lucky bitch opting out last minute.

Other than that?  Nada.  Nothing to report – not a sausage.

Now, aren’t you glad I took the time to post this informative, interesting update of my incredibly exciting life? :-)

xxx

Is it me, or would the idea of fish appearing to be in your toilet cistern (tank) just freak you out entirely? I’d never be able to flush, just in case something went wrong and I drowned all the little fishies!

What a pointless, tacky invention. ….I’m dreading the day that these start appearing in British restaurants (believe me, it’ll happen). You just know it’ll result in drunk people throwing up in the actual fish tank, rather than for toilet bowl, just for shits and giggles (no pun intended!)

Fish-n-Flush

Click here to watch the riveting demo vid.