WORDS OF WHIZDUMB

COFFIN CORNER

2013-05-13T09:50:00.001-07:00

I never have done very well at funerals. As it turns out, I was thinking about death today. Oh, not in a morbid sense. It just struck me that, despite all the wonderful advances in technology, we haven't managed to make much of an improvement in death - the burial that is. It's pretty much the same way for the 500,000 years that man has been on the planet and the 499,999.99 years that women have (that's right, it's Adam and Eve, not Eve and Adam).

I know that some folks get buried at sea and there are probably a couple of other exotic ways to get rid of a body (Jimmy Hoffa?) - but since time began, it's pretty much been the big two - buried or burned. Neither of which has changed much.

Personally, I'm going to be cremated ("Ass to Ass, Dust to Dust"). There really isn't a lot to improve on in that process. It's efficient, generally cheap and does not consume valuable land. The disposal of ashes is not generally a problem. One either has them dispersed or placed in a small container.

As a lefty, I do have some concerns with the global warming impact of burning bodies so I would support the development of a vaporizing system. But my real problem is with burials.

Space - The Final Frontier

We have always taken up a lot of space for those that we bury. I have never understood why, with land being such a valuable resource, while we continue to bury folks horizontally. Your average casket is 7 feet long and a little over 2 feet wide. That's over 17 square feet of surface per person. Very inefficient.

As demonstrated in the scientific illustration on the right, if we buried folks vertically, we could fit easily three
caskets into the space that we are currently using for one.

Now, I have shared this idea with some friends before and basically I got the "Dude, you're fucking weird" response. I think the objection has it's roots in two factors:

(1) I don't think people like the imagery of their loved one staring at the back side of some stranger. I would just ask folks to remember that; (a) they're in a coffin so they can't really see out, and (b) they're dead, so they can't really see out.

If this is not a compelling enough argument, then I'll compromise and we can have them standing sideways. It'll be a bit tighter squeeze for three, but at least they won't be in a line that lasts for eternity (that reminds me, I need to take my grandson to Disneyland).

(2) Some folks insist that you must be lying down when you're buried. After all, it is called the final resting place. I would just ask folks to remember that when it comes to their loved ones; (a) if this really is a problem, I am sure that there is room in there for a small chair, and (b) they're dead, so standing shouldn't really bother them.

We all know what eventually happens. Cemeteries run our of space and eventually they just start burying people on top of each other. You know, they have figured out that eventually the loved ones die off and no one is really paying attention anyway, so what the hell - remove John and insert Jane. I mean, given that graveyards have a fixed amount of land, common sense tells us it has to be going on.. There is no other example of land use where we think somehow the space available is magically unlimited. If you took a mile square of land and started to build houses on it, you know that sooner or later you would run out of space for new houses. In order to keep building, eventually you would have to tear some of the older ones down. Cemeteries are no different. My Vertical Burial Design offers an immediate tripling of our cemetery capacity.

Now, I would probably go from the traditional rectangular coffins to tube shaped coffins to make the grave digging easier (you would basically just need a really large post digger). This by itself would provide some creativity thinking. For example, let;s say your loved one had an affinity for nature. Their tube could look something like this: -------------------->

Conversely, let's say that they really loved potato chips. There would be a wide variety of burial tube options.

All in all, the designs are only limited by our imagination. Someone who liked cigars - bam! - make a cigar burial tube.
Perhaps they were a baseball fan - okay dokay - make a Louisville Slugger burial tube. What's that you say, - they had a pretty smile- Wala! - a toothpaste tube burial tube. Rather than formal wear, ironic people could be buried in a tube top.
The point is that not only would tubes make for easier hole digging, there is an endless amount of themes that could be used depending on who is being buried.

Okay, so we got triple the grave space and better looking caskets - your sold you say? But wait - there is another advantage. You know Americans are getting fatter by the year. Although it has not been scientifically studied, you know that it's got to be taking a toll on pallbearers. With the new tube casket system, carrying is no longer required. The departed would simply be rolled to the grave site ("Roll Bearers").

Rolling on:

Head Stones and Grave Markers

Even if we stay with the out of date square casket, there is room for improvement in the headstone, tombstone, grave marker traditions.

The latest craze has been to put a nice photograph embedded in the grave marker so that your likeness will be there to be viewed by all for eternity (or, at least until they rip you out to make space for someone else). Anyway, I think it is a nice touch, but boring. I certainly wouldn't do it. I mean the grave marker is going be there long after me and all my loved ones are far gone. So, why not go big?

As an example. Mi Esposa has recently taken an inordinate interest in Bradley Cooper (he's not that good looking) and I have always fancied Selma Hayek (for her acting abilities only). So, why not use their pics? Mine and Mi Esposa's grave marker could look something like:

Now sure, our families and friends wouldn't recogize the marker - but what the fuck - they already know what we look like. AND - for the next 200 hundred years, every person that just happens to wander by our plot will stop and utter - God damn!, that was a good looking couple!.

Now, you could go with whomever you like. If you're a Brad Pitt - Angelina Jolie fan - go for it. Put their damn pics on your grave marker (note: for my money, it would be Pitt-Jennifer Aniston, no contest).

I am surprised with all of the political partisanship lately that there have not been more "statement headstones". You know, go to the hereafter making your last stab at it. I believe that I have designed the quintessential ambiguous marker. People visiting the grave yard could never be sure.

Is he a Democrat that hated the Bush administration and decided to make one last final statement regarding the mess that President Obama inherited? Perhaps he lacked health care and blamed the GOP for his demise. OR -

He was a right winger - sick and tired of modern day liberals blaming Bush for everything that Obama has not fixed or broke himself. OR -

Maybe he wasn't political at all - he just had a sense of humor. OR -

He was murdered by Jake, The Hammer, Bush - a member of the notorious Bush gang. The point being, the lack of clarity in the message would be a great discussion for those visiting a graveyard and just might help the grief stricken by providing them a distraction.

Now, although I am going to be cremated, I have left instructions for a headstone just in case my loved ones decide not to honor my last wishes. Mine lacks ambiguity.

Now, I know you must be thinking - Dude, you hate a guy that much that you are willing to have that message on your headstone for all of eternity???? The short answer is yes. That being said, I am very disappointed that we have not advanced head stone technology to the point where I am not stuck with a single choice. A granite headstone will cost you anywhere between $1,000 to $3,000. Let's settle on $2,000 as an average. Think about it, $2,000 for a shaped rock. I can get four to five IPads for that amount.

The point being, with technology as cheap and ubiquitous as it is today, I shouldn't have to settle on a single message for my journey to the hereafter. We should have smart head stones (IStones?). Each head stone should have at least a digital read out embedded in it that can be changed periodically. For example, let's say in January of each year I want to flip off Dick Cheney. In February:

I could either have my surviving loved ones change the message each month or I could have it pre-programmed so that my desires are scheduled in advance (e.g., March would automatically be Rush Limbaugh, April - Sarah Palin, May - Donald Trump, etc.).

Conversely, if I left it to my loved ones, they should be able to use their smart phones to change the message based on day to say events. Let's say Mi Esposa is watching Grover Norquist on one of the Sunday news shows. She knows how much I hated the little prick so, she takes out the IPhone types in Grover Norquist, hits send and - wala - my headstone now is flipping off Grover. I don't see why Apple can't invent an App for this (IDead?).

If we could develop these smart grave yards, dead people could trend much like CNN, MSNBC and all the other total wrecks of news shows do for the living.Can't you already see the scroll running across the bottom of the CNN screen:

Trending now: Most hated individuals according to dead people.....Cheney, 64%, Trump, 22%, The IRS 12%................

Come the think of it, I see no reason why headstones couldn't be programmed to send Tweets (Tweads?").

Now, I know you must be thinking - that's impossible. How could a dead person tweet?? Frankly, it wouldn't be all that hard. Remember, these are Smart Stones connected to the Internet. the programming would be simple. Let's take Trump as an example. My head stone would be programmed to scan the line-ups for MSNBC, FOX and CNN. Every time Trump is scheduled to be a guest, I could have my headstone programmed to sent out a pre-written tweet.

What would be particularly delightful about this, is that you know given his ego, Donald would respond. In turn, you could automatically have one or more standard tweets ready each time The Donald hit the twitter verse.

It wouldn't have to be limited to celebrities. If you have a favorite cause - let's say Global Warming as an example - every time there is a news show that has it as a topic, your
message could automatically be sent.

There are an endless number of applications that could be considered if we had smart head stones. You want visitors to hear music at your grave? Great, all we have to do is have a speaker and an ITunes connection in the head stone. In fact, there isn't really any reason that a dead person couldn't download new songs. As an example, I am a huge U2 fan. Now, it goes without saying that my grave site would already have the entire catalog of U2 songs. But what if, after I die, they release a new album? Not a problem, my smart head stone would be programmed to automatically download U2 each time a new song is released.

You want to take pictures while your dead? Not a problem. All IPads already come equipped with digital cameras. All you would need to do is add a sensor (you know, like the kind they have on automatic flushing toilets and every time someone visits your grave - bam - a picture is taken. Eternal InstaGrams. I can even imagine a day where dead people are allowed to buy and sell stock, participate in polls and even vote (just pre-program your party affiliation before you go).

Now that I think of it, the granite head stone is really unnecessary. All we really need is extra large, weather protected IPads:

Maybe I am asking too much. But, it just seems to me that with the growing population and shrinking land space, we need to change our traditions. That and it is about time that technology advanced into the graveyard. I know that Smart Stones are not going to be deployed tomorrow, but you know that eventually they are and they are going to be even more sophisticated than I have offered here (can be that far away from Holograms?).

In the meantime, I would ask for some basic creativity in coffins. We pay a damn fortune for them and if nothing else they ought to be designed or decorated to say something about how we spent our lives.

THIS POST IS SO GAY - PART DEUX

2013-04-17T19:05:00.003-07:00

The tide started turning with Barack's views on gay marriage evolving from rejection to endorsement back in early 2012. Fast forward to now, and everyone is up in arms over the pending Supreme Court Decisions regarding gay marriage. Specifically, California's Proposition H8T (the State constitutional ban on gay marriage) and the Federal Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). I think we all may be missing the boat (the Love Boat that is).

Yes, love, exciting and new.
Come on board, we're expecting you....

The point is that whether you're for or against gay marriage, it's going to happen. Maybe this year, next year or ten years from now - but it is pretty much inevitable. As George Will so gracefully put it (Will and Grace?) - on This Weak with George Snuffleupagus:

The opposition to gay marriage is quite literally dying off...."

And he's right - far right. According to a March, 2013 poll by the Washington Post, support for gay marriage for those that are 65 and older is still only at 44%. However, for those younger than 40 years old it is at 70% and for those younger than 30, gay marriage has an 81% support rate.

The most commonly heard charge from those that oppose gay marriage is that it threatens traditional marriage as we know it. I say - well it's about fucking time something did. Whether you are for or against gay marriage, we should all agree that this presents a great opportunity for all of us to get rid of some of the less desirable traditions associated with marriage as we know it.

Now, since I will be discussing the potential benefits of gay marriage, In fairness I will include some of the more compelling quotes from the anti-gay marriage folks in this post. And again, my focus is on the areas where gay marriage can help traditional marriage.

Father of the Bride

Okay, before I start on this point, I need my two daughters to leave the room. Remember girls, Daddy loves you very much and would do anything for you. I just need some privacy for a moment.

Are they gone? - Good.

Okay - why in the fuck in this day and age is it still traditional for the parents of the bride to pay for the wedding? I'm, not angry about this because I have all daughters and no sons (okay, maybe just a little) - but because it is a stupid tradition. Gay marriage presents a great opportunity to end this once and for all.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
"I think that gay marriage should
be between a man and a woman."

Yes, I know that this sad tradition is slowly changing as the happy couple contribute more and more towards wedding costs and parents of the groom (cheap low-life slugs) are helping out a little as well. But the fact remains - currently, on average the parents of the bride pay four times as much as the parents of the groom for costs the wedding. I know what you're thinking. Dude, it's gradually changing over time. Let it be resolved on a State by State or marriage by marriage basis.

Sorry, this is a matter of fundamental civil rights and I do not think we can no longer tolerate this discrimination against the parents of the bride any longer. Gay marriage is the way out. In gay marriage, there are either two sons or two daughters and ergo, there will be no assumption that funding the costs of a wedding should be gender based. Traditional heterosexual marriages will eventually comport with gay marriage in this regard and also evolve to a gender neutral wedding funding system (free at last!).

Here Comes the Bride

As in the traditional wedding march. You know, Here Comes the Bride, Dressed all in Light...... I don't know if I'm just too old and have been to too many weddings, but I am bored of it. We need to get a modern new bridal march. I'm counting on gay folks to help out here, particularly since there is not a corresponding Here Comes the Groom. Not my place, but I would go with "At Last."

MICHELLE BACHMAN
"If gay marriage goes through, K-12 little
children will be forced to learn that
homosexuality is normal, natural,
and perhaps they should try it.”

Stag Parties

I include both Stag and Bachelorette parties in this category. With gay marriage, we may have a chance of getting rid of both of these.

First, let me talk to the fellas. Do you really like stag parties?? Yeah, I have seen a stripper or two in my day (certainly not while married to Mi Esposa - this was when I was with the bad wife).

ANN COULTER
"Civil rights is a black issue. Now everybody
in America wants to be black -- the feminists,
the gays, the illegal immigrants.
What civil right are they being denied?''

Anyway, after about ten minutes, it is a relatively boring affair. Although I have never been on one, I assume that it might be kind of like going to a nude beach. At first you're enticed, but after awhile you're just looking at a whole lot of sun burned T and A that blends together (not to mention the sand in you cavities).

The whole concept of a stag party is kind of a silly one. Okay, you have finally decided to settle down with that one special woman and as a way to celebrate that special commitment you'll get drunk and have a stranger rub their boobs in your face. And that's at the more sophisticated stag parties.

There is also an awkwardness between the married and single guys at the party. All the single guys (drunk within an hour of the party starting) are thinking fuck yeah and slobbering I love you bro in between gulps of beer and hot dogs. All the married guys are thinking - which one of these stupid mother fuckers is accidentally going to tell someone that I was at a strip club. What am I going to say when Mi Esposa asks - so how was the party? Do I just say - oh, it was okay or say it sucked because the guys brought strippers in and I found it very distasteful - could barely watch.

I know that some of you fine ladies might be thinking, well, you did have the option of just leaving when the strippers showed up... Uh - no. I would remind you that at our core, men are still neanderthals and that despite claiming to having high character and principles none of us can stair down the inevitable - Dude, you're leaving? - what a pussy! Hey everyone, look at the WordsofWhizDumb candy ass- He's got to run home to mommy....... Or - words to that effect. So, other than vomiting on ourselves and claiming illness (note: I only did that once), there is no good outcome for a married guy at a stag party.

Now it may be a leap of faith on my part, but I'm assuming that when two guys get married there ain't going to be two separate stag parties. What would be the point? I also assume the same for two gals engaging in the nuptials. They wouldn't have separate bachelorette parties would they. I think not.

Whether it's two guys or two gals getting married, with gay marriage, I think the stag and bachelorette parties are going to morph to simply a wedding party. A party where everyone who is friends with the bride (s) or the groom (s) will be invited to celebrate the upcoming ceremony. That's better isn't it? The answer is yes.

RICK SANTORUM
"In every society, the definition of marriage
has not ever to my knowledge included
homosexuality. That’s not to pick on
homosexuality. It’s not, you know,
man on child, man on dog, or
whatever the case may be."

Bridesmaids and Groomsmen

In traditional marriage, the Bride typically picks four or five girls to be the bridesmaids and the fella picks four or five guys to be the groomsmen.

This has almost always - if not always - resulted in having a few losers in your wedding party. C'mon on - admit it. The first two or three friends you selected were pretty easy. It's the fourth and fifth ones that were a little bit dicey. Inevitably, they included one or two folks that could kindly be described as also rans. It typically goes something like:

A woman has to first decide which of her two best friends will be the Maid of Honor. They will be numbers one and two. Third will be a co-worker you kind of like but don't really know of or a sister that you don't like much at all (if you really liked her, she would have already filled the maid of honor spot). Fourth will be the loser between the co-worker and sister match up and fifth will be probably be your hair dresser or someone you Mom wants you to pick.

Works pretty much the same way on the groom's side. Add to the short list of candidates that we have to draw from because we are limiting ourselves to a single gender the complication of trying to get them to match up (Bride to Groom: No, there's no fucking way you are going to have your 56 year old drunk uncle walk down the aisle with my 14 year old niece - my Mom would kill me.).

ANTHONY SCALIA
If we cannot have moral feelings
against homosexuality, can we have it
against murder? Can we have it against
other things?"

So, this may be a stretch on my part, but I am assuming that when there are two gal or two groom weddings, the wedding parties will be comprised of folks from both genders.

Let's say Jane marries Dorothy - the ain't going to have ten bridesmaids. Instead, they will have a groups of attendants that are mixed gender. In other words, they'll select the four or five folks that they are closet to, regardless of their gender.

In my opinion, should this catch on it would be a great thing for traditional marriages as we would no longer be limited to the a single gender when selecting the 4 or 5 attendants for our weddings. We essentially would be doubling the odds that we actually like everyone in our wedding party.

The Money We Waste

DONALD TRUMP

I don't want this to sound trivial, but
a lot of people are switching to these
really long putters, very unattractive.
It’s weird. You see these great players
with these really long putters, because
they can't sink three-footers anymore.
And, I hate it. I am a traditionalist.
I have so many fabulous friends
who happen to be gay,
but I am a traditionalist.

The average amount spent on a wedding in 2012 was a little bit more than $28,000. Good grief, that's a lot of cash for a one day event.

The sad fact of the matter is that nearly fifty percent of marriages end in divorce and the average marriage lasts just eleven years (yeah, I know that in some cases they can be a long eleven years - but it's sill only eleven). I don't want to be viewed as a unromantic guy, but we are not paying all that money for a memory of a life time. It's in fact just a little over a decade - or about $2,800 for each year of marriage.

There is obviously little data on the cost of weddings for same sex couples, but there are some early encouraging signs from New York, a state that recently legalized gay marriage. Their estimates are that same sex couples are spending around $4,000 on average for their wedding day - far less than the national average.

There isn't really concrete data yet on the reason for this disparity - therefore, I do believe it is appropriate for me to pull some theory out of my ass (wait a minute - it's hard to reach - oops, there it is).

I'm guessing that there are several reasons. One, parents are less likely to pay for same sex weddings as they are heterosexual ones. Gay and Lesbian couples pretty much have to develop a budget and wedding plan within their means. When someone says, - yes, the wedding photographer is going to cost $4,000, I just think gay folks are going to say - no thanks, we'll use our IPad. They are probably also older than your average heterosexual couple (around 27)and more removed from the childhood fantasy of wedding day. Regardless, the fact that they are spending far less on weddings than has been the tradition might (hopefully) leak over to the heterosexual world of marriages and create some pressure not to blow what could have otherwise gone for a down payment on a house for a one day party.

So, maybe not tomorrow, but perhaps ten years from now there will be a Father - Daughter conversation that goes something like: "Hell no, we're not spending $30,000 on your wedding. John and David down the street got married for $4,000."

JEREMY IRONS
Could a Father not marry his son?
It's not incest between men because
incest law is to protect us from breeding -
Men don't breed.

Who Gives this Woman.....

to be married to this man, is probably one of the more common phrases uttered in traditional weddings. For my taste, this is a little outdated (i.e., as if the daughter were property). You know you probably won't be hearing that line or anything similar (who gives this man to be married to this man?) in gay weddings and I say - all the better. It needs to go anyway.

As a side note, Jeremy Irons favorite song has to be Only Women Breed (ba-da dum!).

Other Stuff

There are sure to many other advantages in addition to the ones listed above. For example, there are a lot of traditional weddings where the actual ceremony is at a church or other place of worship at noon followed by the reception twenty miles away at six. Very inconvenient. At least for awhile, there will probably not be a lot of church gay or lesbian weddings and, at least for these - the reception will probably always immediately follow the ceremony and more than likely at the same venue (think of the savings in gas alone).

Anyway, the point being, rather than continue to battle over something that is going to happen anyway, advocates of traditional marriage should be looking for ways that gay unions could benefit traditional marriage. It could be ground breaking. As Barack did, we need to evolve on the issue.

At Last.........

IMMIGRATION REFORM SCHOOL

2013-03-23T15:58:00.001-07:00

There's nothing like an election to get everyone on the same side of an issue. All of a sudden, both Democrats and Republicans are interested in immigration reform. Guess that means I should be interested as well.

The issue has been raging for all of my five plus decades on the planet and, I imagine, long before that. There must be a reason that it hasn't been solved. I think it's because it has never been in either the Democrats or Republicans political interest to fix the problem. The most recent efforts to address this issue simply has it's roots in the fact that the GOP got its ass handed to them in the last elections, much of that due to the fact that 70% of Hispanics are now registered Democrats and that most folks viewed the concept of self deportation as a joke. So, of course, immediately after the election, the GOP trotted out their Hispanic star to start a new path forward.

I can almost see it in my mind's eye:

John Boehner: We got our asses kicked. God damn Hispanics. What - the only day they don't take a siesta is election day!? What do they have against Republicans anyway?

Mitch McConnell: I dunno for sure, but I think it's connected to the fact that in the GOP primaries our candidates basically ran a race to see who could build the highest fence and who would provide it with the most wattage. Oh, and because we want to send a whole bunch of Mexicans home.

John Boehner: Well, tell me this - why is it that American Hispanics give a good fuck about Hispanics that aren't American.

Mitch McConnell: I dunno. But, American Jews do care about the Jews in Israel. And, although I can't verify it, I hear that black folks care about people in Africa. Kind of the same thing.

John Boehner: Bullshit! But it doesn't matter. We got to start pandering and fast. I need a prominent Mexican, GOP politician - Who we got?

Why in God's Name Did They Pick Me?
Pinche Gringos Racistas!!

Mitch McConnell: We ain't got no Mexicans.

John Boehner: Christ! Anyone who's brown?

Mitch McConnell: Does orange count? Because if it does you would be....

John Boehner: Don't even fucking go there, turtle face.

Mitch McConnell: Rubio - but he's Cuban.

John Boehner: Fucking close enough. He's got to be our leader on immigration. Get him all over the news - rapido!!!

And - wala - renewed interest in immigration reform.

Run! It's the GOP!!!

Democrats don't get a pass here either. They've historically ignored many of the issues associated with illegal immigration and tend to categorize the opposition as simply racist in nature. There are of course real issues to address, including dealing with border security, the suppression of wages associated with importing migrant labor among many others.

I can't help feeling that the Dems haven't felt - just a little bit - that it is to their political advantage that the problem remains unsolved. It's been a good issue for them and, when issues go away, so do voters.

The Dems have also traditionally insisted on a path to citizenship as part of the package. That has always been a math problem in reaching a compromise on the issue. Republicans know that citizenship = more Hispanic voters and more Hispanic voters = more Republican losses.

Regardless, it look like both parties are now reaching a point of compromise. I would like to be optimistic, but I think they're going to fuck it up. Of course, I have my own convoluted thoughts on the matter.

Before we move on, let's start with the nomenclature. There have been many terms to describe the problem. Specifically, how we label these folks.

France! - I'm from France.

Illegal Alien: Although it is a clinically correct term, I find it lacking. It's just to extraterrestrial - too martian. I always imagine an alien pointing to a map of Tijuana with his large, crooked alien finger and saying: Elliot - I'll be right here. Add that to the fact that the term is almost always used in a negative context: e.g., that's alien to me, hey, I find your views on immigrants alienating, alien invasion, Alien Gonzalez (oops, never mind, that was Elian Gonzalez - close, but no cigar).

Undocumented Worker: A term often used by those more empathetic to the status of these folks. However, with apologies to my lefty friends, it's a politically correct crap term and needs to go. First, illegal immigrants are not inherently undocumented. An immigrant from Mexico typically has a Mexican birth certificate, driver license, passport or some form of identification. That person just doesn't have the proper United States documents (i.e., because they are here illegally). Just flip the example to the North. Would anyone ever call someone here illegally from Canada (typically, either a comedian or a hockey player) an undocumented worker? No, of course not - we assume our Canadian visitors have have some form of documentation. (Eh, what's all this clamor aboot documentation - eh?). Second, not all immigrants are workers. It's merely word ploy by those on the left to make it seem like are only problem it getting the proper documentation for 20 million otherwise legal gainfully employed chaps.

Illegal Immigrants

Probably the most accurate of all the terms thrown around, but.......

It really only describes one side of the illegal equation. Many immigrants came here because they were able to get a job from an employer that hired them illegally. Now please don't tell me that all those employers just didn't know they were hiring illegal immigrants. First, it's bullshit and, second - I don't care. Hey, I sometimes forget that Wednesday is street cleaning day but I still get a fucking $49 ticket because I am supposed to know better. I think we can hold employers to the same standard.

I guess none of the terms would satisfy everyone and I guess it doesn't really matter because at the end of the day our brain synapses connect faster than is sometimes politically correct or accurate. The fact of the matter is that when most Americans hear the term Illegal Alien, Undocumented Worker, Illegal Immigrant or any other label, the immediate thought that comes to mind is Mexicans!. And by Mexicans, I mean Mexicans, Hondurans, Cubans, Salvadorians, Guatemalans, Panamanians, etc. You know, brown people.

FOX NEWS, CELEBRITY ASSWORD

It's just the way the American brain is wired. I'll illustrate it here:

I Kissed A Chica
And I Liked It.

I can hear the racist cries already. Forgive me, I just think that's what folks think. Hell, I love the Mexicans and in fact married one (and yes, I have the stab wounds to prove it). Okay, I know that sounds a little like some of my best friends are gay (not that there is anything wrong with that). But Christ - no one conjures up images of Canadians when they are talking about border security or shouting - their taking jobs from Americans. They are thinking about brown people. When all nine GOP candidates were discussing how high and how electrified the wall should be, were they trying to protect us from the swarm of Vietnamese that were crossing the border? No, the issue pretty much deals with our amigos to the south.

I think I can flip the brown people thing to a positive. Many of these folks wash our dishes, clean our cars, pick crops from our farms, clean our houses and landscape our lawns. They do it for a pittance because we can exploit the fact that they are Illegal, Undocumented, Aliens and we don't recognize People Who do Stuff for Us as a legally acceptable status. I've been in the backyards of friends as they rail about how we're getting fucked by the immigrants as I watch Jose and Pedro mow their lawn. It's as if they are invisible. Hmmmmm - they are brown people, we don't recognize them despite the fact that they provide us a whole bunch of cheap services. Got it - I am going to adopt the term Unrecognized People Servers (UPS) as my official name for the group of people we are actually talking about. I'll even help with a marketing campaign:

Jesus Christ what a diatribe just to get the fucking name squared away. Had I not invested half of an afternoon in the art work I would have just jettisoned this poor excuse for a post by now. But, I need to get this finished before the Latina maids get here to clean the house (yes, my Mexican wife hires Latina labor - I on the other hand insist that our landscaping is done by some Asian fellas - so, who's the racist now??).

Okay, so what do we do about UPS? Rather than dealing with specifics, I would instead like to offer three broad concepts.

We Need to End Migrant Labor ( as we know it)

Both Democratic and Republican leaders seem to agree on the need to have a vibrant, manageable program for allowing enough migrant workers in to do those jobs that Americans don't want to do. I say fuck them (the politicians, not the workers).

Good grief - how in God's name did we get to the place where we think it's acceptable to import poor people to do back breaking jobs, paying them at best minimum wage with absolutely no benefits and in a large amount of cases paying them even less than that? Do we really think that a hundred years from now it's going to be looked back at any less favorably then we now look back at slavery or the exploitation of Chinese immigrant labor to build the railroads? I'm sure there are those who's immediate thought is - well, they have it better here than they would in their own country. Yeah, it's friggin party time.

It's also irrelevant. Within our borders we purport to have a higher standard. Sure, we'll buy clothes sewn together in Bangladesh sweat shops, but long ago we rejected the concept that it was a good idea to have those sweatshops here in the USA. For some reason we are unable to see that many farms are merely sweatshops without walls.

As much as I generally dislike Rand Paul, he has come up with some (I said some) fairly good ideas on immigration and all in all (at least in my view) has made some honest attempts to deal with the problem. But this statement from Senor Paul on his Senate web-site pretty much sums up the hypocrisy:

Rand Pablo

"I do not think the taxpayer should be forced to pay for welfare, medical care and other expenses for illegal immigrants."

Many politicians would automatically echo Paul's sentiments and I'm sure that partisan crowds would cheer in support as the words cascaded from his lips. But what the fuck? We're paying for medical care, schooling for children and other expenses for LEGAL immigrants because the jobs they do don't pay shit. I guess I could live with this:

"I do not think that taxpayers should be forced to pay for welfare, medical care and other expenses for non working immigrants."

The question should be this - do we want, as a matter of a program, to allow in legal immigrants when we know that we will be forced to pay for welfare, medical care and other expenses. The fact of the matter is that whether a human being needs to see the Doctor has nothing to do with their legal status. It is the great hidden subsidy of legalized migrant labor. The employers get them dirt cheap, they make profits, we pay less for goods and services than we would otherwise and then we all bitch about the social costs associated with migrant workers. I would rather have a system where we pay them all enough that taxpayers don't have to pay for their welfare, medical and other expenses.

We have built a labor model where we export our good jobs and import our bad ones. That is simply not sustainable and, at it's core, is cruel.Change is needed. I suggest the following:

For any employer who wants to bring in imported labor the following requirements should be met:

1. Congress must declare that there is a labor shortage in the particular industry and that there is a need for new citizens to do this work. This will put our Representatives on the hook for being specific about why and where we need imported labor. It will make them balance the corporate needs of any particular industry with the American worker's (i.e., voters) concerns that businesses are allowed to import labor to undercut American wages and benefits If we are short on labor for car-washes, maid services, farming, landscaping or any other industry - let our Representatives say so. If voters want to limit those jobs to Americans so that wages and benefits will rise, let them say so.

2. Employers must pay all the imported workers at least the minimum wage, provide full health coverage and pay all required social security, unemployment insurance and disability taxes. You know, what they would generally have to pay to hire an American.

3. Imported workers who pass a criminal background check shall become eligible for citizenship (yes, they still have to pass the written test).

WHAT??????? Citizenship! Are you loco?

Yep - citizenship.

The truth is this. There is very little migrant in the migrant workforce. Once they are here - whether invited or uninvited - they ain't going home. Assuming that we can all agree that there are just some inherent benefits in citizenship and that there is better chance for a citizen to move up the ladder of opportunity then there is for an immigrant. Just ask this fuck.

I said I was from France!

All I want to do is fulfill Rand Paul's dream of an America where: "taxpayers will not be forced to pay for welfare, medical care and other expenses for illegal immigrants."

We can't just keep importing poverty and pretend that we are not. If we are going to import poor people, we need to provide them an environment where they won't be poor. If we can't do that, we ought to get out of the business. Don't panic. At it's core it's just a very slight twist to the current paradigm. Right now, folks pretty much agree that it is acceptable to increase the number of migrant workers when there is a real labor shortage in America. I simply want to change that to it is acceptable to increase the number of American citizens when there is a real labor shortage in America. All we need is a change in mindset. We're no longer going to import poor people to be migrant workers. We're going to import migrant workers to become citizens (citizen cocoons?).

What about the 20 Million That Are Already Here!

¿Cómo podemos resolver este problema de mierda!

That is a tough one to answer. Can't I use a life line - call a friend? What would Jesus do? (note: that is Jesus of Ensenada, not Jesus of Nazareth). Tough, tough, tough.

In arriving at a conclusion, I think we collectively need to start with a common premise. That is - we are too much to blame for the problem as the immigrants are (duck!). By we - I don't mean me or you of course - I meant they. Whew - that was close.

Forget for a moment that among the UPS, there are some bad apples - drug smugglers, neer-do-wells and other undesirables. Clearly, those folks should be sent home. I'm talking about the rest. The farm workers, janitors, car wash employees, waiters, etc. That's really on us. It's kind of like this:

We had a house (mi casa, su casa). Outside the house was a sign that said No Trespassing! And, although we really didn't want trespassers we left the gates unlocked. So, one day Pablo shows up and says he'll mow our lawn every week for $20 dollars. We know that Juan trespassed but the lawn has been looking pretty shabby lately and we can't seem to get any white folks to take care of it for less than $100 a pop. Okay, Pablo can mow the lawn. A few

months later Maria, comes through the back gate and offers to clean our house for $40 a month. We hesitate at first because she looks crazier that Michelle Bachman and we know she had to trespass to get to our home in the first place (Christ - can she read English? No Trespassing!). Oh, what the hell, the casa is a mess and could use a good cleaning.

Over the years, the cast expands. Juan comes to wash our cars and
Juanita is a hell of a cook.

Time passes and after twenty years we decide that we no longer need the house and are moving to a resort community in Orlando. By this time, Maria and Pablo fell in love, married and now have three beautiful children. Juan now owns his own car washing business. He also married and has a son serving in Afghanistan. Juanita, no longer able to cook because she was blinded by a grease fire (hey, we told her to lower the turkey into the fryer slowly) is now fraudulently receiving government benefits. Nonetheless, we no longer require the services of any of our trespassers or and, after all, the law is the law, and they entered our house illegally. It is time for them all to go back where they came from - even the kids. After all, they're destroying the country.

I say no. We're all responsible for this illegal activity and the penalties and solutions must be collective in nature. Prostitution is only possible by the existence of a hooker and a John. Drug smuggling is only possible through the use of a drug smuggler and a drug user. Illegal immigration was only possible because their were folks willing to violate immigration laws and folks willing to hire them once they got here.

Yes, there is a price to be paid. Our schools and hospitals are over run, safety net programs are stretched to the limit and benefit and wages in many occupations (e.g., roofers, painters, movers, etc.) that used to pay a decent wage have been undercut by a seemingly limitless supply of labor. But, at the end of the day, we were in fact the ones adding the fuel to the fire. Just ask yourselves, how many times did you turn away from the car wash when you saw that, although the manager and the cute girl who takes your money were white, every one actually washing the cars were of the UPS variety. I never turned away. How many times did you call the INS when you saw a UPS yard maintenance truck pull up to your neighbors house. I never did (of course, my house was next). The fact of the matter is that for decades we have paid far less for our food and services than we would have had UPS not been here to provide those services. The money we saved was used to but flat screen TVs, cars and to go out to dinner more often than we could otherwise afford.

So, in terms of the working portion of the 20 million UPS folks that are here. I say we call it even. We don't have to give you back pay for all the work we had you do at a rate that one could only get from someone who was here illegally and in turn you get to stay here as legal resident. Line up with everyone else for citizenship. There are a few exceptions:

I gotta go???

If you served in any branch of our armed forces, you and your immediate family our citizens.
If you have any felony on your record - you gotta go.
If you are not working or have not worked for most of your stay here - you gotta go

What about Protecting The Border?

Yep, it absolutely has to be done. Before we start, I do have one last label salvo and it deals with the term Comprehensive Immigration Reform. In my less than humble opinion, it is a euphemism invented by the Left to falsely interconnect the concepts of border security with what we are going to do about the fact nearly 20 million folks have managed to gain access to the United States without - shall we say - the proper paperwork. Over the past two decades, whenever someone on the Right has suggested that we need to protect our borders, the tired refrain from the Left is almost always - you can't do that without comprehensive immigration reform. That is of course, bull shit. It is merely designed to allow the Left to barter - yeah, we'll let you build a fence - but in return we want a pathway to citizenship for all the folks here illegally. They are in fact two separate issues that can be dealt with - well, separately. Put it this way. After 9-11, we were able to implement a whole bunch of measures to secure our airports. We didn't need to wait for Comprehensive Terrorism Reform. The bottom line is that all points of entry (land, sea, air, North and South) into the U.S should be secured to the maximum extent that we can afford to secure them. That objective should not be held hostage to whether or not we are able to implement other measures associated with immigration. My message to my friends on the Left - allow the submittal and passage of legislation that only deals with border security - no preconditions related to solving the entire problem. It's needed regardless and, if implemented, will end the tedious, two decade long Mexican standoff between those who clamor for immigration reform and those who predicate any reforms on first ensuring that we have border security.

Now, can it be done with a wall? I don't think so. I'm pretty sure that there are enough ladders and wire cutters south of the border to render that effort pretty much meaningless. As I whined in a previous post (http://wordsofwhizdumb.com/2011/08/with-aplogies-to-green-mile.html), if we are going to build a wall, at least build one made out of solar panels and windmills so that we will at least get a source of green energy out of that construction product.

I am pretty convinced that Mitt's idea of self-deportation is a non-starter and may have been one of the dumbest ideas to have come out of the campaign (we all know that only 53% would self deport and that the remaining 47% would stay here to suck off of government programs).

You know, they have had a pretty tight border between North and South Korean for more than a half of century and they have done it without any wall. It's pretty much a military operation. I think that's what we need. We ought to get rid of Border Security as we know it and instead, create a new branch of the military dedicated to securing our borders. It could draw on resources from the Air force, Marines, Army and Navy as all of these disciplines are needed to protect us from unwanted visitors - land, sea or air. The Iraq war is over and the Afghanistan war is winding down. It's good timing as we can ensure that all of our returning veterans are offered meaningful, well paid jobs in this new service. If the scourge of immigrants really costs America what some purport that it does, it'll be well worth the cost. If folks think that it would be too costly, well - than we could hire immigrants to do it.

I'm tired. The issue has now worn on me as I am sure it has worn on you. I'm going to go do something easier.

DRONING ON AND ON

2013-03-08T11:48:00.001-08:00

Rand Paul took the Senate hostage yesterday as he staged a 13 hour filibuster of John Brennan's nomination to fill the post of CIA Director. If you watched the news, you'd think that this heroic act was done to prevent President Obama from using a drone to drop a bomb on an unsuspecting American citizen.

I as much as a left-wing wacko pacifist as anyone - but sorry, I don't think so. The fill of bluster was not about you. It was about Rand Paul.

The other thing that slays me as that all day long folks were tweeting about how brilliant Paul's 13 hour performance was. I beg to differ. I watched all of it and he pretty much ran out of juice after hour one. I'll post a chronology of shots during the rest of my diatribe to prove the point.

9:30 a.m Eastern Standard Time

So what started all the hullaboloo?

On February 20th, 2013 Paul sent a letter to Mr. Brennan asking him the following question:

Do you believe that the President has the power to authorize lethal force, such as a drone strike, against a U.S. citizen on U.S. soil, and without trial?

10:30 a.m Eastern Standard Time

The matter was referred to Attorney General Eric Holder who responded, Fuck Yeah!. I'm da bomb!

Okay, I'm obviously paraphrasing here. Here is Holder's actual response:

11:30 a.m Eastern Standard Time

The response clearly states that the President has no intention to carry out drone strikes on US Citizens (although I suppose he could accidentally carry one out). The paragraph that sent Rand on a rant was this one:

“The question you have posed is therefore entirely hypothetical, unlikely to occur, and one we hope no President will ever have to confront. It is possible, I suppose, to imagine an extraordinary circumstance in which it would be necessary and appropriate under the Constitution and applicable laws of the United States for the President to authorize the military to use lethal force within the territory of the United States.”

I would friggin hope so. Hey, let's say that a Timothy McVeigh type fella gained access to some weapon of mass destruction and decides that he is going to wipe out Denver, Colorado. Radar has detected him on a remote road high in the Rockies. We don't have time to get our police of any other law enforcement to him before he denonates. Our only option is a drone strike. I say blow the fucker up.

There - an extraordinary, unforeseen circumstance where the President would use lethal force within the territory of the United States. Can one imagine more scenarios - yeah - hundreds.

2:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time

If you just watched the news or listen to Paul's Rand dumb thoughts you would have though that it was the Administration's opinion that they could willy-nilly drop a bomb on an American whenever they feel like it. That of course is not what Holder said.

The other thing that is fascinating to me is everyone's focus on drones. It's just a weapon. If one were to ask anyone from either a Republican or a Democratic administration - Hey, do you think it is okay for someone in the government to use a weapon to kill a U.S citizen on U.S soil without a trial?"

You mean like we always do - right? We kill folks who pose a threat and we kill them without a trial. Just ask Christopher Dorner, Bonnie, Clyde or John Dillinger (oh - you can't - we killed them). Simply put, our government, whether it be local, state or federal, has always used weapons to kill some U.S citizens that pose a threat to other U.S citizens. Is a drone any different than a gun when it is used for the same intent? AND - as you know from prior posts, I believe that you could really classify all planes as drones because they are certainly going to kill innocent people.

3:30 p.m. Eastern Standard Time

So does Rand somehow think that aircraft is just a different kind of weapon that the Government must promise never to use against a U.S. citizen? Hmmm..... What if, let's say during a 9-11 type attack, somehow some John Doe was twenty minutes away from crash landing his plane into the Senate Chambers. Let's say it was while Rand was engaged in his filibuster. Do you think Rand would object if President Obama scrambled some F-15 fighters to blow that plane out of the sky. Or do you think he would want to wait for the trial?

Most off my good friends on the left agree with Rand Paul on this one. Pretty much all of the left wing blogs have got his back. I guess that leaves me out in Left field. All I know is that Rand got his air time (which I'm sure will benefit him nicely as he prepares for a run in 2016) and we all got to see a lot of funny cartoons of Obama dropping bombs on U.S citizens. Oh, and yesterday Rand did finally get another response from Attorney General, Eric Holder:

'It has come to my attention that you have now asked an additional question: “Does the President have the authority to use a weaponized drone to kill an American not engaged in combat on American soil?” The answer to that question is no."

Sincerely,

Eric H. Holder, Jr.

In other words, go fuck yourself.

The good news is that the 13 hour standoff finally ended and the droning has stopped. Although I heard it was a pretty good show if you saw it in person.

5:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time

THE WEAK IN NEWS

2013-03-06T10:35:00.001-08:00

I don't really have a single topic burning my synapses this week. All the main themes seem a bit tedious at this point. I'm just tired of the usual fare - the Sequester, Supreme Court decisions, immigration, voting rights, killer drones and the like. Nonetheless, it was a weird week in news. So, I think I'm just going to ramble. Here goes:

SINKING INSIDE THE BOX

Jeff Bush officially became the unluckiest man in America this week. The 37 year old Florida resident was fast asleep, when without warning, during the middle of the night, his bed- with him it - fell into sink hole that had formed directly underneath his bedroom. His body was never found and he is presumed dead. As I was scarfing down cashews watching the CNN report, my first sophisticated thought was - What the Fuck!!!!!?

Four additional thoughts immediately came to my mind:

When Ass Hole Meets Sink Hole

(1) Why couldn't this have been Dick Cheney's house? (2) I definitely need to smoke more. I mean, what is the point of staying healthy if you're just going to get sucked into the ground while your snuggled (yes, I snuggle) in your bed. I mean Jesus Christ - is it really all that random? (3) I hope the Bush family chokes to the death the first person that tells them it was God's plan, and (4) Most newsworthy - how in God's name are Jeff's neighbors able to sleep at night?

Jeff's house was situated in a rather crowded Florida suburb - this wasn't some remote shack that you might find in the movie Tremors. It was your standard residential house surrounded by dozens of houses that, other than different color paint - looked pretty much exactly like Jeff's. I couldn't find a single CNN reporter asking a neighbor - Well, are you concerned about sleeping in your bed tonight - you know. given that without warning your neighbor a hundred yards away was sucked into the ground?

You would think that the day after this tragedy there would be nothing but For Sale signs as far as the eye could see. Look, I know that I'm a pussy. I've pretty much fairly catalogued that fact through many previous blog posts. But please! - If my neighbor was killed because his bed got sucked into the earth - there is no fucking way I'm going to bed in my house that night.

POPEPOURRI

We've all seen a lot of Pope news this week. To me, all in all, it was pretty tedious. Could have simply been handled by one of those little news scrolls that crawl beneath the general news (Update - Pope Announces Retirement - Vatican Seeks Replacement.......)

Look, I know that Catholicism is a pretty big deal world wide and that I'm an atheist and shouldn't really opine on the subject - but.......... there was very little reporting on the most interesting story surrounding the Papal vacancy. Specifically, this one:

Fake Bishop Sneaks into Vatican Meeting With 100 Real

Cardinals

==============================================================

False prophets come in sheep's clothing — or in a cheap bishop costume. A man dressed as a bishop sneaked into the meeting of more than 100 cardinals at the Vatican Monday, managing to commiserate with the Catholic princes before being thrown out by Swiss Guards.

Prankster Ralph Napierski donned a short cassock, “an unusual” cross necklace, and a purple sash that was actually a scarf, according to Italy’s Gazzetta del Sud. Instead of a skullcap he wore a black fedora. He told reporters his name was “Basilius,” and a member of the "Corpus Dei,” a German church described online as a “Catholic Order after episcopal law.” Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/fake-bishop-sneaks-vatican-article-1.1278885#ixzz2MgMsV2y3

===============================================================
I know that the Cardinals have been criticized for not being able to see the modern world - but really????? A person can sneak into the Conclave by putting on a black dress and wrapping a purple scarf around your waist? That is pretty much akin to a woman being able to get into the White House by wearing bangs.

Look it - it's not like this guy sneaked into a gathering being held in the Super Dome. He snuck into the Vatican! And - there are only 100 Cardinals. Is it really that hard for security to keep track of all of them?? So, it seems that the new Pope must be someone who can effectively address the Church's crisis with child abuse, finances and the role of women - he also must be security expert. There is an obvious choice. I speak of a man who managed security for the Winter Olympics, is a financial whiz and - has a binder full of women.

"There are 47 percent of the Cardinals who will not vote for me as Pope no matter what ... they are dependent upon the church and believe that they are victims. ... These are people who pay no tithes. ... and so my job is not to worry about those people. I'll never convince them that they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives,"

Not a having me on a Saturday a Night a Live - Well - it's
enough to a piss a off da Pope.

From a personal perspective, the most disappointing aspect of the month long Papal coverage was the Saturday Night Live's (SNL) failure to bring back Father Guido Sarducci to provide commentary on the issue.

Now, I don't think that anyone is necessarily entitled to air time, but - this dude's only gig is when things happen in the Catholic Church. Given that he started on SNL in it's infancy, not bringing him back to comment on this issue is - well - a sin.

CHICAGO BULL SHIT

Dennis Rodman (aka: The Worm) of Chicago Bulls fame just returned from a trip to North Korea. He was invited there by Dear Leader, Kim Jong Un. Seems that Kim's pop, Kim Jong Il, was a huge Chicago Bulls fan and Dennis was one of Kimmies favorites.
Story ends there - right?

Sadly - noooooooooo. George Stephanopoulos, a man I generally like, decided it was a good idea to feature Dennis Rodman on his Sunday news show (side note - doesn't
Stephanopoulos sound like the name of a creature on a kids cartoon show about dinosaurs?).

Anyway - as you can imagine, the give and take was fascinating.

George: Did you know that Kim Jong Un is a brutal dictator that has imprisoned thousands of his own people.

Rodman: Guess what - guess what - well, he's pretty cool.

Scintillating stuff. Jesus - never in my wildest dreams did I think there would come a day where Dennis Rodman would be on a Sunday news show talking global politics (perhaps Shaquille O'Neal wasn't available). I can only hope that it was all a result of some horrible mix-up between George and the shows guest booker.

George: Dennis Rodman!!? You fucking idiot - I said I wanted to interview Hillary Rodham!!!!

Sadly, I don't think so - so shame on you George. You turned what should have been an aside note on a basketball player's trip to Korea into a sideshow about an interview with a basketball player that went to Korea - This is Weak, with George Stephanopoulos.

OSCAR, OSCAR, OSCAR

Go ahead, you use the bathroom first.

The Oscar Pistorius case continues to stain the airwaves. For those that may have not seen a newscast or accessed the Internet in the last month, Oscar is an Olympic competitor from South Africa - oh , and he has no legs. He runs on artificial legs (really carbon fiber prosthetics that have earned him the moniker of The Blade Runner. Recently, he shot his girlfriend (Reeva Steemkamp) to death as she sat in the bathroom, earning him the moniker, The Shootist.

I need to settle on a nick name for him to snazz up this post. Oscar Notorious? Naw - too long. Hmmm - if his middle name was Joe rather than Leonard it would be a natural for OJ Part Two, - damn - that would have been a good one. Oscar the Grouch? No, that Muppet never killed any one (well, not convicted anyway). Okay, okay, okay - let me think. Well, his initials are OP and he is claiming that this was really just a bathroom related misunderstanding so - Oh Pee it is.

So here is Oh Pees' story as reported by CNN:

After the couple had gone to bed, Oh Pee said he got up in the early hours of February 14 to close the balcony door in his bedroom when he heard a sound in the bathroom. Oh Pee said he'd been a victim of violence and burglary in the past, and realized with terror that contractors who worked at the house had left ladders outside.

Fearing someone had entered the home through the open bathroom window, moving in the dark on the stumps of his amputated legs, Oh Pee grabbed his pistol from under the bed and yelled at the intruder to get out.

"I fired shots at the toilet door and shouted to Reeva to phone the police. She did not respond and I moved backwards out of the bathroom, keeping my eye on the bathroom entrance," Oh Pee said in his statement. "Everything was pitch-dark in the bedroom and I was still too scared to switch on a light."

"When I reached the bed, I realized that Reeva was not in bed. That is when it dawned on me that it could have been Reeva who was in the toilet.

And - scene. Then the cops arrived.

Really Oscar - you thought there
was a burglar in your bathroom??

Yesterday a friend of mine asked me - So dude, do you really think Oscar fella meant to kill that girl? I quickly responded, no dude, they were clearly warning shots.

Christ - of course he did. What we would have to believe is that Oh Pee, awakening and feeling danger never thought to look at the bed right fucking next to him to see if Reeva was there or even utter a word (pssst - hey Reeva, you sleeping?). He claims it was too dark to see. But apparently it wasn't too dark to find and grab his pistol, go to the bathroom area and unload his gun through the door (note: if it was all that dark - how the fuck did he know he was shooting at a door in the first place???). Oh - and he was terrified of intruders but he didn't bother to have a fifty cent night light connected anywhere??? No alarms???

Forget all that. Who among us, knowing that we share a bedroom with a loved one, would ever ever approach a closed bathroom door in the middle of the night and, without a word open fire. Yeah, I can see that happening. I stumble out of bed at midnight. It's pitch dark as I approach a closed bathroom door.

Me: "Mi Esposa - get out!"
Mi Esposa: (to herself) "Fuck off, I'm taking a piss. - Moron"

I unload - BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

Mi Esposa: "Hey - doesn't anyone ever knock anymore!!!?"
Me: "Sorry, I thought you were an intruder."
Mi Esposa: Well next time - fucking knock."
Me: Yes Dear."

Let me put it this way - even if Oscar thought there might have been an intruder in his bathroom he ought to still spend a long time in jail simply for being stupid enough to unload his gun into a closed bathroom door not knowing who was on the other side. Regardless, I don't think his weak ass defense is going to work (after all, it's not like he lives in Florida). He will go down in history though.

The category is This Years Weakest Excuse for Shooting Some One....

AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...................

Well, that's enough for this now. Hopefully I will find my focus in the weeks to come. If not, I can take some comfort in the fact that, one way or another, there will be another weak in news.

LOONEY TUNES

2013-02-23T09:53:00.001-08:00

It just makes me want to cry like a little boy.

Good fucking grief. This is what they came up with???? Well, I guess since that Obamacare nomenclature worked out so well for them in defeating health care reform - why go against success. Yes, the spanking brand new label rolled out by the GOP to shift the blame for the budget Sequester from them to Obama is to label it Obamaquester.

The Sequester is basically refers to about $1.2 trillion dollars in automatic Federal Budget cuts with the first round in cuts ( about $90 billion) due to be implemented on March 1, 2013. In short, we got here because we hit our head on the debt ceiling. Not being pained enough by that, we decided to run toward a fiscal cliff and still being bored - decided we we ought to fucking sequester ourselves (is everyone in Congress some form of a Homer Simpson???). Neither Republicans or Democrats want the Sequester to take place. However, rather than stopping it they have focused most of their attention on ensuring that they are zero percent responsible and that the other side is entirely culpable. Hence, the OBAMAQUESTER campaign.

I can imagine the backroom scene is the brain trust came up with this one.

C'mon guys - think! We need a name for this to distract folks away from the fact that we caused the sequester problem in the first place (sob- sob). Turtle - your thoughts?

How bout we call it "Obama's Shell Game?"

No good - once Americans hear the word shell - they'll think turtle. And when they think turtle - they think Mitch McConnell.

No they don't!

Christ - look in a mirror man!. Jesus - I'm weeping like I just saw Brian's Song. Paul Ryan - what you got?

How about we label it "Obama Shrugged". You know, like Atlas Shrugged - except it's Obama.

Seriously Dude - how in God's name did you get picked for the ticket? Oh God - it should have been me (sob).

Does that mean I can go to the gym now?

Yeah - get the fuck out of here. Cantor - what do you got?

Okay, how about we call him "Baroke Obama". You know, like the government is going broke and if we insert his name in there - Americans will think it was his idea.

Now someone is thinking. I like the thought - but folks might read it as "Barokee" - you know like Karaoke. I think we need to use his last name like we did with Obamacare..........Wait just a fucking minute - I got it. OBAMAQUESTER! It rolls right off the tongue. Now, I'm going to cry. I get so sad when I think......

OBAMAQUESTER??? Really? That is what you guys went with? Not only didn't it work for Obamacare - it just sounds stupid. Well, since Frank Luntz as well as all other spin experts are apparently out of town, I'll step in help out. You have gone with something like this:

SEQUESTER THE CAT

Thufferin Thuckatash - I'm Going to Destroy the Economy!

Americans are pretty much tired of both sides of the aisles creating fake financial Armageddons and then monopolizing air time to get their faces on camera as they attempt to persuade the average Joe Biden that it is the other parties fault. We have gone through Debt Ceiling, Fiscal Cliff, are currently facing Sequestration - AND - we have another Debt Ceiling crisis on the horizon. My own theory is that all politicians have become addicted to the crisis' and have discovered they get a lot of face time on the Sunday talk shows by creating them.

As long as Congress is going to act cartoonish, we might as well go full bore Looney Tunes. It certainly wouldn't be as tedious as the current word play campaigns and would allow all the key players in this drama to be appropriately lampooned.

That wascally Obama did it again!
Waaahh - I'm going to bwast him.

John Boehner is perfect for Elmer Fudd. The orange hunting outfit associated with Elmer goes perfect with the orange face associated with Boehner. Best of all - they both cry a whole lot.

Just Sticking My Neck Out

Now, I know that Mitch McConnell is a natural for Tooter the Turtle. All one has to do is find any picture of a turtle and slap his face on it. There are two problems with - (1) Everyone has pretty much already done this. You can Google McConnell without a turtle coming back in the results, and (2) I said Looney Tunes and although I am a Tooter fan, he is not part of the Looney Tunes stable. So, as Tooter would say:

Drizzle, Drizzle, Drazzle, Drone - Time For This One to Go Home

Fortunately, there is a good second place for Mitch. He is the Republican Senator from Kentucky and does have that smooth southern drawl - so, Foghorn Leghorn would seem to be a nice fit.

I say, I say - you Sir, are a Sequestering Scoundrel

Ouch!!! Fiscal Cliffs Hurt!!!!!

The Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid is a pretty straightforward pick. He's thin and scraggly, lives in the desert, it also defeated by his enemy and continues to use the same old tricks even though he is defeated each time. Harry is the living embodiment of Wili E. Coyote.

People Have Their Hands Out???
That's Desthpicable!!!

I kind of like Daffy Duck for Paul Ryan. First, Daffy thought he was much smarter than he actually was and, as the case with Congressman Ryan, found far too many things desthpicable.

I tout I taw a TV Camera
I Did! I Did

I know that he is in very good physical shape, thanks to his now famous work out routines and some might think that the obvious choice would be Bugs Bunny. The sad fact is this. None of these guys get to be Bugs Bunny because Bugs Bunny was smart. Sorry.

For Nancy Pelosi I chose Tweety Bird. This was kind of a tough one as there are very few female Looney Tunes to choose from (although I believe that Marvin the Martian might have been transsexual - it's still not close enough.

I think Tweety is appropriate because, much like Nancy, she was constantly surprised by events right in front of her face and was pretty much limited to one or two lines of cogent thought. Close enough.

Okay, I've got three Democrats and three Republicans for my feature. I think all I need is a mindless pundit from each side of the aisle. Rush Limbaugh is a good choice for the right and Porky Pig is the obvious choice. Not so much for his character - more for his girth.

For the left I think I will go with Chris Matthews. He seems pretty much unable to address any issues without hyperbole and can go off on a rant at the drop of a hat. Chris - Yosemite Sam it is:

Say yer prayers varmints - I'm firing hard balls

The bottom line is this. You don't need to understand what The Sequester is or what financial impact it will have on you or who is responsible. Much like the Debt Ceiling and Fiscal Cliff, it ain't going to happen. It is merely a ploy for Politicians to keep their faces on TV and for TV to have something to fill their air time. There will be more man made fiscal calamities to come. For Americans to keep succumbing to these nut bags is - well - Looney. In the meantime, if you have a desire to follow the news on these events, I have prepared a standard newsreel for your viewing pleasure.

THAT'S ALL FOLKS

====================================================================

Addendum:

A loyal reader pointed out in the post publication phase that I had failed to include a rather obvious and creative choice in the parody. It is so obvious now - must Americans get their news from entertainment related television and who could possibly be a better moderator of that debate than Ryan Seaquester.

Well, in honor of loyal readership I did some research and found, as expected, Ryan Seaquester has been involved all along.

I'm Ryan Seaquester, AND THIS IS
AMERICAN IDLED

THE PAST OFFICE

2013-02-13T10:07:00.001-08:00

Where would you like
me to shove this?

This week the United States Postal Service announced that it would be cancelling the delivery of mail on Saturdays. It is an effort to help erase the nearly $16 billion annual deficit the agency incurs. There were two prevalent points of view on this newsflash:

Stupid fucking government - can't do anything right. We need to get rid of the Post Office.

Stupid fucking government - how dare they cancel my Saturday mail delivery.

Okay, up front let me just say I don't really understand the need for six day a week mail delivery. If I were King of the forest (not Prince, not Duke, not Earl), I would change it so that mail is only delivered on Saturdays. The vast majority of mail is junk mail and pretty much goes right into the recycle bin.

All in all, the volume of first class mail has dropped by almost 35% since 2000. The downward trend is not unexpected as we move more and more to email and texting as the primary method of personal communication and online banking for bill payments. Sooner of later, the Postal Service as we know it is going to be completely antiquated and go the way of the telegraph, Morse code and the FAX machine. So, a one day step in that direction sounds right to me.

A lot of folks that I rather admire our quite upset about the cutback in postal services. Some of my Democratic friends opposed to the Saturday closings have recently claimed that postal service is constitutionally protected. Specifically, this is what the it says:

The Constitution of the United States of America, 1787, Article 1, Section 8

Section. 8. The Congress shall have Power to

To establish Post Offices and post Roads;

As an aside, I find it ironic that in addition to the right for postal services, the Constitution also provided the right to bear arms - and - no one saw the going postal phenomena arising from these two provisions????? Yeah, nice going Founding Fathers. Even President Obama is confused.

At any rate, although Congress clearly has the right to establish Post Offices and Post Roads. However, although I am admittedly not a constitutional scholar (or any type of scholar for that matter) I didn't see anything in there that required seven day a week delivery - or any delivery. It just merely says that Congress can establish postal services - not that Congress must. So, sorry liberal friends, I can't go with you there.

Surely I recognize the need for some postal services. A lot of folks still pay bills manually and some of our elderly citizens living in more remote areas use the mail system as the only feasible way to receive their medications (I hear that Rush Limbo gets a box of Oxycontin each month). I am just tired of the disingenuous arguments made by my liberal friends for keeping all Post Offices open and maintaining a six day a week delivery system. However, I know two things to be true:

1. They don't have the balls to stand up and say we ought to have folks pay for the service.

2. All of their campaigning for keeping Saturday mail services was done via email, Twitter, Facebook and other modern communication methods.

There have even been what can only be labeled as nostalgic arguments for keeping the number of Post Offices we currently have. That is that Post Offices weave communities together much like the local diner. That they are an American institution. I'm not heartless. I have empathy for things of a by-gone area. But you know, I kind of liked pay phone booths and newspaper stands and as technology rages forth they are becoming scare as well. For sure, it will not be long before you don't see any of these things dotting the urban landscape.

This is the Isle of Misfit Toys

The most compelling argument that my Dem friends have is that reducing postal services will inevitably result in a substantial loss of jobs at a time where our economy can ill afford losing anymore. The Post Office employs 575,000 workers. Even reducing that by 1/6th is a dramatic impact. Now again, if this is the objective - raise the cost of the stamp and you got me (more on that later).

Now I don't want to let my GOP friends off the hook here. The predominant cry from the right as that the Post Office is an inefficient, costly, money sucking government bureaucracy sucking up billions of dollars merely to keep a bunch of overpaid Newmans on the government dole.

Not this Newman:

Not this Newman:

Not even this Newman:

This mother fucker here:

Yeah, it's easy to demonize anything government. But the fact of the matter is that US Postal workers salaries and benefits fall pretty much in between their private sector counterparts - UPS pays higher and FedEx. USA postal rates are also considerably lower than much of the industrialized world and it's not like the Post Office just became an inefficient behemoth in the last few years. For most oft he last 50 years the Post Office actually generated a surplus. Then they got screwed. Here's how:

In 1970, Congress mandated that the Post Office operate entirely on it's own revenue - no government subsidies for it's operations. It survived quite well with this mandate until 2006.
In 2006, unlike any other Federal Agency, the Postal Service was required to budget for and pay for future retiree health costs. This added billions in expenses.
At the same time in 2006, Congress also passed a law that says Postal Rates can only go up at the rate of inflation. In other words, they could not increase the price of stamps to cover the retirement costs.

Not that complicated. The Post Office must generate enough revenue to offset all of it's costs. Congress adds billions of dollars of costs but does not allow the price of stamps to go up to cover those costs. And - wala - the Post Office is broke and you can kiss your Saturday mail delivery goodbye.

If you want to keep the postal services as we know them, the answer is simple. Change the law so that the Postal Service may charge what it costs to deliver the mail.

Brother - Can You Spare a Dime?

In rough numbers, last year the Postal Service delivered 160 billion pieces of mail and received $66 billion in revenue for that service.

They lost $16 billion. To break even, they would need to charge an additional 10 cents per piece of mail delivered. That would be 56 cents for your regular one ounce letter. We are basically arguing over a God damn dime.

And we are screaming about this???

Think about it. You have someone come to your house, pick up your letter from your little mail box and delver it anywhere from New York City to Fairbanks Alaska and it currently costs you 46 cents - and now I think we ought to pay 56 cents for that service - OUTRAGEOUS!

It's astonishing to me that we would even give the postal rate increase a second thought given what we pay for other things. As an example, if I want to get $100 out of the ATM machine at my local 7-11 store, I have to:

Get out of my pajamas and throw some dirty clothes on (probably sweat pants, tee-shirt and sandals on a typical day).
Get in the 2005 SUV that eats gas like a a goat eats grass and drive to the store.
Insert my debit card and pay a $3.50 fee for the privilege of using the machine.

All in all, a pretty costly adventure. Conversely, If I wanted my brother from Atlanta to mail me $100 to my California home 2,5000 miles away, it would cost him an envelope and a 46 cent stamp. We get our collective shorts in a bunch over the costs of the current 46 cent stamp but think nothing of paying Verizon $1.25 for the privilege of using their 411 service? Somehow we are okay with spending $4.50 cents on the Hallmark greeting card, but would have an aneurysm if we had to spend 56 cents to mail that shitty folded piece of cardboard from Providence Rhode Island to Hawaii. WTF?

Not to distress - If you want to keep the costs of stamps down, there are other things we could do. Let's take the image's that appear on postage stamps for example. Currently, there is a highly bureaucratic, cluster fuck process involving a Citizen's Stamp Advisory Commission (egads) along with a three year review process and intense lobbying to determine whether this years commemorative stamp is going be Albert Einstein or or Fat Elvis. Fuck that. We're delivering 160 billion pieces of paper to Americans' homes each year and we don't see that as an advertising potential???? Screw the honorarium - sell the stamp image to the highest bidder. That's how Facebook, Google and the other endless number of Internet sites are making their money. Heck, I would even allow stamp ad space to be sold to the Post Office's competitors.

In addition to advertising revenues, some folks might be willing to pay a fee to have their image on a stamp. For example, let's say you're an egotistical billionaire who spends most of your adult life placing your name and image on everything you build to counter your obvious inadequacies as a human being. You don't think you would spend a boatload of money to get your image on a stamp?

And that is not even considering the advertising revenue of the trucks. The Post Office has more than 250,000 vehicles roaming our streets six days a week. You don't think that they couldn't use the NASCAR model to generate a little cash?

Advertising on postage stamps and selling space to celebrities? Allowing commercial advertising on postal trucks? Some people might say I'm thinking outside the mail box. I prefer to think that I am merely pushing the envelope. We need the damn money.

In the last two years, Congress has passed zero - nada - nil - laws to address the growing financial crisis in the Postal Service However, they have had the time to introduce more than 60 bills to rename Post Offices (noice!!!!!).

So, to my Republican friends who think the Postal Service is just another inefficient government service best provide by the private sector - good luck with that. Just make sure that whoever you contract with has to deliver mail to every God forsaken, remote place within the 50 States at the same 46 cents price per delivery with no chance to increase rates beyond the cost of inflation. And to my Democratic friends in Congress who are bemoaning the lost of Saturday service - quit your whining. If you want to retain Postal Services in their present state, change the laws so that the Post Office can break even. Otherwise - stop talking about it.

I think I need to write a letter to Congress. Please - Please Mister Postman - look and see. Is there a card or letter for me? No? - oh, my mistake. I must have been thinking about the past office.

SONG AND DUNCE

2013-01-30T09:42:00.001-08:00

I just got a song on my heart today I guess.

I was watching a clip of the Golden Globes show and they played a personal theme song each time someone walked up to the stage to receive their award. You know, like if Alan Alda gets an award they play the theme from M*A*S*H, whenever Bill Clinton appears anywhere they play Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow, etc.

Is struck me that we have a lot of famous folks that don't have their own theme song people. That's kind of sad. They're famous and they ought to have their own damn song to walk on stage to.

Someone needs to help and I am going to try to do my part. I'll close my eyes, imagine the face of some of my favorite celebrities and write down the fist song that comes to mind - the one that I can see them walking onstage to. Here goes:

Tour De Farce

LANCE ARMSTRONG

Poor Lance, he lied a lot. This maybe the easiest song pick of the bunch.

Bicycle Race, by Queen.

I want to ride my bicycle
I cannot ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I cannot ride my bike

MANTI TE'O

I Never Got to Rub Her Lamp

Manti Te'o - famed Notre Dame linebacker and Heisman Trophy candidate had a little problem with internet dating recently. That is his Internet gal was a fiction. There were just a ton of appropriate tunes here including; Dream Lover and Just My Imagination. But I am going to have to go with:

Have You Seen Her, by the Chi-lites.

Oh I see her face everywhere I go
I know she's real just like her picture shows
Have you seen her? Tell me have you seen her?
Why - WiFi, Did she have to leave and go away......

BARRY BONDS

Steroids to Heaven, by Led Zeppelin.

Yes, Barry - there is a place that you know where all that glitters is gold - Gold's Gym that is. Did you achieve all of your baseball feats through pure talent? Oooh, it makes me wonder - ooh, it really makes me wonder -

BARACK OBAMA

Asides from winning the Presidential election, a check of any Internet search engine will tell you the most widely reported news story regarding Barack Obama was his place of birth. Now, those in the birther movement such as that nightmare of a person Donald Trump would like me to select a song something like:

Kenya Feel the Love Tonight by Sir Elton John. Sorry birthers, I'm going with the obvious choice:

Born in the USA by Bruce Springsteen (yeah - Donald - the real boss).

I Should Have Ran as "Nun of the Above"

RICK SANTORUM

Ricky tried to take the religious road to derail Mitt's bid for the GOP nomination and damn near pulled it off. All he had to do was bash gays and promise to eliminate birth control. His song:

Using My Religion - by REM

I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought I saw you try
To wed a guy

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Using my religion
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough.

ANN COULTER

I Can Bitch, I Can Bitch - Cause I'm Better Than You

Okay, there were several options here and I have to admit that as I thought of Ann's name the tune that immediately hit my brain was Dude Looks Like a Lady - by Aerosmith. Probably not fair as the nature of Ann's gender is pretty much pure speculation at this point.
However, what is without argument is that Ann is a bitch. Naturally, her tune should be Elton John's - The Bitch is Back.

GLEN BECK

Although he is mostly noted for being certifiably insane, Glen is also noted for his ability to generate tears that a broken hearted sixteen year old would have a hard time matching. In his case, the obvious choice is Smokey Robinson's Tears of a Clown and the song lyrics fit perfectly as originally written:

Now if there's a small on my face
It's only there to fool the public
But when it comes to fooling you
Now honey that' a different subject.

BILL CLINTON

He actually has a theme song already. Specifically, Fleetwood Mac's - Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow. It was played throughout his Presidential campaigns all the way through his two inaugurations. Given his problems with certain Grand Jury testimony it may have been more appropriate for him to have used Journey's - Don't Stop Believing, instead. I am going to go a little off style here because as much as I love Bill, the song that always comes to my mind is Lou Bega's Mambo Number Five. Simply because of the lyrics:

A little bit of Monica in my life,
A little bit of Paula by my side
A little bit of Juanita is all I need
A little bit of Kathleen is what I see....

If only the song title was Bubba Number Five it would have been perfect. But I'm going with it nonetheless.

RON PAUL

In addition to the races for his congressional seat, Ron has run in every Presidential election since 1996. Despite the fact they he never receives more than a meager result, he runs nonetheless.

I know that he has to be gearing up for 2016 and as such, needs to work with Mr. Springsteen to gain the rights to his natural theme song:
Born to Run. (Note: rumor has it that Ralph Nader is also pursuing rights to this title).

MITT ROMNEY

Mitt would probably be a record producer (Capital Records?) rather than an artist- but he still needs a theme song. There are some obviously cruel ones that I could use (e.g., Loser, by Beck, I'm a Loser by the Beatles, etc.). But, I know above all my readers view me is a kind chap and those types of labels would be far too harsh. I do feel a bit bad for Mitt given how hard he has tried over the last two presidential elections. I think I will leave him with the Rolling Stone's You Can't Always Get What You Want.

Mitt, you tried real hard - but, we got what we need.

Some quick ones:

LINDSAY LOHAN: Rehab, by Amy Winehouse (not much explanation required).
SARAH PALIN: Redneck Woman, by Gretchen Wilson (cause Sarah does say Hey Y'all and Hee Haw).
DONALD TRUMP: Hair, by the Cowsills (Shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, balding). Second runner up here was You're So Vain, by Carly Simon - decided not to go with it because I'm pretty sure he thought the song was about him.
GEORGE BUSH: Fortunate Son, by John Fogerty (Jeb was the unfortunate one).
BERNIE MADOFF: Take the Money and Run, by Steve Miller. Hmmm - maybe now a better fit would be I Who Have Nothing.
TONY HAYWARD (former BP CEO): Smoke on the Water, by Deep Purple.
GOVERNOR MARK SANFORD: The Long and Winding Road, by the Beatles.

CHARLIE SHEEN: Let's Go Crazy, by Prince.

ELLIOT SPITZER: Sweet Painted Lady, by Elton John.
ANDERSON COOPER: Although the Beatles A Day in the Life had the best lyric for Anderson (I read the news today, oh boy) that would probably be cheating on my part. So, given the lack of real journalism at CNN, I'll settle for Second Hand News, by Fleetwood Mac. A close second would be Dirty Laundry by Don Henley.

I know she's long dead, but I can resist:

EVA BRAUN: If Loving You is Wrong, I Don't Want to Be Reich.

Back to people who are not dead.

RUSH LIMBAUGH

What?? Doesn't everyone have a medicine cabinet like this?

There are just as many theme songs available for this blow hard as there are listeners to his radio show. I suppose I could go with Jive Talkin by the Bee Gees, but Rush would probably take that as a complement. I think instead he ought to have a tune that reminds him that as he was recommending mandatory minimum sentences for cocaine users he was high as a kite on Oxycontin. Huey Lewis' I Want a New Drug would fit the bill, but I think I am going to assign Rush Pink's Just Like a Pill.
as I am sure Pink was thinking of Rush when she wrote the chorus:

And I swear,
Just Like a Pill
Instead of Making Me Better
You're Making me Ill.

ANTHONY WEINER

Sadly, one of the easiest picks:

I Saw Y our Picture Today, by Cheryl Crow and Kid Rock. On second thought, I guess I could have gone with Easy to Be Hard by Three Dog Night - but that would be so cold.

This is what we do while Rome burns

DICK CHENEY

Okay, I know that there are a lot of songs with the word heart in it and Dick Cheney recently had his first one inserted - but, I'm not going to go there because I don't want to make fun of medical conditions.

Obviously, anything by the band My Chemical Romance would suffice. However, I think I am going to go with Fallout Boy's classic; This Ain't a Scene, It's a God Damn Arms Race - and this one is simply based on the lyrics:

I'm a leading man
And the lies I weave are oh so intricate
This ain't a scene
It's a God damn arms race
But I digress.

KARL ROVE

Missed by that much

Karl Rove's Super Pac - American Crossroads - spent $103 million on the 2012 election. Not only did they fail to unseat Obama, they lost seven of the eight senatorial races that they backed causing even Donald Trump to tweet:

Congrats to @KarlRove on blowing $400 million cycle. Every race @CrossroadsGPS ran ads in, the Republicans lost. What a waste of money.”

Donald didn't get the amount correct - but his sentiments were accurate. Since the election results left Karl in such Dire Straits, his theme song is an obvious one:

Money For Nothing.

Yeah - that the way he do it.
Get your money for nothin
Your dicks for free.

Okay, I can see the list could be endless and I am growing tired. As the great Roger Daltry once belted out - The Song is Over.

SIGNUTSURES

2013-01-16T19:00:00.001-08:00

There is much ado about the signature (on the right) of Jack Lew - President Obama's nominee for the Treasury.

As is typical, these days, the media spent more time on this goofy signature rather than on whether Jack would make a good Treasury Secretary.

Since, as you all know - I don't know Jack, I'll have to do some independent research to find out more about his qualifications. In the meantime. let's play with the signutsure.

Those great minds at Fux and Friends had a great time with the signature (hit the Play button to watch):

Okay, the expert backed off labeling Jack as certifiably loopy, but concluded with this passage -The person is compulsive. They can't stop. Their hand just keeps repeating and repeating... Is it just me, or did she just label our next Treasury Secretary as a compulsive masturbater? (fair enough I suppose - his name is Jack).

The final damning conclusion the expert arrived at was that Jack's signature unmistakably means this:

When you can't read a letter in the signature it means that person does not want to give you any information about their personal life.......

Cool, a theory that a person can test. So, I put my research hat on and Googled famous recluses. At the top of the list were the names I expected - Howard Hughes, JD Salinger, Bobby Fischer and Greta Garbo. Given that our expert opines that a very private person would write their signature in a manner that does not allow for the ability to identify any letters, I had imagined that Howard Hughes signature would have looked something like this:

Shockingly, this was not the case. Take the test. See if you can spot the signature of the person who is not compulsively private.

If you picked:

Congratulations. You selected Jack Lew, public official - not suspiciously private person.

Hair Loss - The Pubic Stage

All Jack's signature tells me is that he must have been wasting valuable government time reading my blog post on hair loss and decided that he would like to copy my hair style.

And as an aside - Tucker, really dude? Your signature is TSMC written with the handwriting skills of a third grader? I don't expect you to write out your full name since it is kind of sucky (Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson) - but C'mon - make an effort. What would Mother Tucker think?

I know that you may think I am being too harsh, but I just believe that signature analysis is junk science. It's so hackneyed. Anyone who uses sharp lines is bold or forceful Someone who uses really large letters is egotistical, crying out for recognition. Someone who writes in very small letters is shy. Hooey!

However, I am above all a researcher at heart. So I decided to give the science another chance. I submitted my signature to the Fux expert for analysis. Here is the signature I submitted for assessment:

The so-called expert sent me this analysis:

This signature clearly reflects the person' desire to piss all over relatively good people through the use of a non-profit, waste of time blog that they are really writing to compensate for their weight gain, hair loss, hypochondria and fear of flying.

What???? Crazy - right?

One last test. I decided to review my postings over the last year and see if the signatures of the folks I wrote about matched my perception of their personality. Although the results proved inclusive, I thought I ought to at least share their signatures. Here are some samples:

See - nothing is revealed about these folks. Just a simple signature is all.

Yes, I hope that Jack works on something to replace the pube he currently calls a signature. Otherwise I'll spend a lot of time trying to wipe it off my dollar bills. But please, his signature says nothing about who he is. That would be nuts.

Alien Nation

2013-01-08T19:51:00.001-08:00

Are we alone?

Just writing the sentence makes my willy wiggle. It is a question that mankind has been attempting to answer since the first time we gazed at the stars (the celestial kind, not the Hollywood kind).

As it turns out, there have been no signs of intelligent life. However, we are in indeed, not alone.

Now, don't get me wrong. I have not discovered other forms of intelligent life. I mean, Good God - I'm an amateur blogger, not an astronomer or an astronaut (although, if I do say so myself, I kind of rock that space suit). However, there is in fact a very gaseous galaxy in the far reaches of the universe where unintelligent life exists. It is the Punditto Galaxy.

Punditto, is derived from the Latin term pundit asswipeum. the English translation being gigantic gas hole. While the Punditto Galaxy it is not visible through even the most powerful telescopes, it can be seen through common television signals.

Within the Punditto Galaxy there are several planets that harbor unintelligent life forms. These beings can be hideous and so I must caution any minor children not to read further.

Coulterites

From the planet Coulter, Coulterites are a gender neutral species - possessing neither female or male characteristics. They procreate through vile like substance that they emit out in endless streams from their facial orifice.

The Coulterites extended necks and upside down torso arrangements allow them to shove their head up their anal cavity when seeking protection from predators. It is this position that is the most familiar for a Coulterite and one that they are most commonly found in.

Palinstinians

These extra-terristials are from the planet Palin. They are a nomadic species spending much of their time in the colder, ice covered regions of the planet. The low temperatures along with the lack of oxygen to the

brain creates the blue hue that is symbolic of their species. Because of this limited brain capacity, the Palinstinians have evolved a smaller neurological mass in their guts. This is where most of their thought processes take place.

Despite the inability for intergalactic travel, Palinstinians claim to have visited and have knowledge of other planets within the vast spacial territory that is the Punditto Galaxy. An ironic claim, as they barely possess the motor skills needed to walk.

Carvillians

From the planet Carville, these virtually hairless and gaunt creatures speak in barely understandable metaphors (e.g., That don't make no more sense than a brain damaged Palinstinian high on unatanium, etc.). They use this tactic to confuse their enemies who often just walk away in a confused state rather then continuing to engage in the babble.

A Matalin
On the Prowl

Unlike earth, which has a North and South Pole, Carville is a planet where the electro-magnetic forces result in a Left and Right pole. Carvillians are unique in the that they are the only species in the Punditto Galaxy that seek mates outside their own species. Carvillians, reside in the Left Pole region of the planet for most of their life. However, at the appropriate time in the life cycle, they seek their mate from the Polar Opposite side of the planet. That region is inhabited by the Matalins, a thin skinned female species. At first contact, the Carvillian will attempt to confuse the Matalin with a nonsensical rant (e.g., good golly, you're prettier dan a hog with three shades of lipstick - galactic warming is real!). After uttering WTF! - the Matalin will attempt to behead the much shorter Carvillian. Should she fail, she is required to become the Carvillian's mate for life. They have a saying on planet Carville - When a species from the left mates with a species on the right, together they are a complete hole.

Hannitatians

From the planet Hannity, Hannitatians are small brained mammals that barely have enough neurological power to remain erect (that is erect in the manner of standing).

Although they possess two eyes, they can only see out of the right one. This prevents them from ever moving in a left direction and also makes them easy prey for their main predator from the neighboring planet of Maddow.

Planet Hannity is dark most of the year and the antennae on the top of the Hannitatian's are actually two small electrical orbs used for illumination. Being located on the top of the head, a Hannitatian can never actually see the light.

The only protection that the Hannitatians have are their re-bar like skull caps. These strands of steel prevent anything from penetrating the brain of the Hannitatian.

Olbermanics

Olbermanics hailed from the once mighty, but now extinct planet - Olberman.

Noted for talking until they turned blue in the face, the Olbermanics were once the most powerful species in the Punditto Galaxy. Alas, their planet was destroyed by a Special Comet. The species attempted to escape this catastrophe by building one of the largest rockets ever constructed in the universe. Sadly, their Countdown failed and the Special Comet obliterated the planet.

There is some myth that the Olbermanics still survive somewhere in the radio spectrum. However, there has not been a verifiable siting in nearly five years.

Mahertians

From the planet Mahers, this species is best known for a large head that is barely supported by a fragile framework.

All Mahertians are smug, believing that they are in fact the smartest species in the Punditto Galaxy. (Historical Note: While it is true that the Obermanics also believed that they were the smartest species, they are now extinct and therefore the Mahertians are the remaining alien species with this point of view).

The planet Mahers is not connected to a Sun and receives what little light it does from surrounding stars. This leaves the planet is almost total darkness giving the Mahertians with almost no sense of Real Time.

Oreillyites

From the planet Oreilly, Oreillyites are the most aggressive species in the Punditto Galaxy.

Believing that might is Right, the Oreillyites rule over the Pinheads, a a small, but far more intellectually superior species. Having never served in a real military, the Oreillyites exercise their control through bombastic shouting and other intimidating tactics.

In addition to the Pinheads, the Oreillyites have had epic verbal battles with both the Kling-ons in the Neutral Zone and Clint-ons in the Nospin Zone.

All is fair in war on planet Oreilly and the nature of the the Oreillyites tirades are generally grounded in hyperbole and falsehoods. Truth is not a Factor.

Oreillyites have unique procreation habits. They attempt to entice unwilling mates through the use of telecommunication devices (phone calls). They attempt to lure their prospective mates by promising to caress them with loofahs, which on the planet Oreilly, are inexplicably referred to as falafels.

The Moorrons

The only twin planets in the Punditto Galaxy are the Morris and Moore planets located in the far reaches of the galaxy and they are collectively referred to as the Morrons.

Both species are extremely bottom heavy and are hungry for everything except the truth. At one time, the Morris and Moores occupied the same planet (Documenturdy) and were virtually indistinguishable. Twenty years ago, in search of easy treasure, the Morris tribe ventured to the planet Faux where it remains to this day.

Sharing the same orbit, both the Documenturdy and Faux planets must create their own planetary spin. They do so the use of the noxious gas emitted from their unparalleled over eating. Much like Mahrs, the Morrons live in a darken planet and no longer have the ability to see things in a clear light.

Beck

In the far reaches of the galaxy is the planet Beck, home to the exiled Beckerheads. Once a prominent force in the galaxy, the Beckerheads lost their lower limbs when they were cut off at the knees by warriors from the planet Faux.

Resorting to mechanical apparatus to transport their rather large, but mostly unused craniums, Beckerheads have no natural defense mechanism other than intense weeping.

Trumpeters

From the planet Trump, these beings have actually never been verified and at this point in time can be best considered a myth. The only evidence of their existence is that throughout the planet earth, there are signs of early Crap Circles believed to have been made by the Trumpeters early visits to the planet.

Although there are many other species withing the Punditto Galaxy, the ones described above should give mankind more that enough incentive enough to avoid contact. Or, more appropriately put - alienation of Alien Nations is our only chance of survival.

TIME WARNER CABLE SUCKS.

2012-12-26T11:25:00.001-08:00

Well, at least while spending nearly an hour either on hold, I was able to get some art work done. I call this piece Time Warner - Not Even a Remote Chance of Customer Service.

Personally, I think it is museum worthy. However, that battle is for a different day.
Today is all about a company that makes the DMV appear efficient.

If you are not one interested in mundane emails between a customer and a service provider, you should stop here. A more interesting post will appear in the future. But, I am at war now. Details are necessary. It is for my own emotional and mental stability.

It all started innocently enough. Time Warner had been calling my house for years begging me to add their phone service to my Internet package. Aside from the fact that I generally never like it when some fucker (too harsh?) calls me on the phone during dinner, I was relatively pleased with my long time local carrier. Anyway, I finally succumbed after having this conversation with the Time Warner rep.

Hello.

Oh Yes, hello and good evening. This is Asshton Butts from Time Warner Cable. I was looking for Mr. WhizDumb. Is he available?

This is Mr. Whizdumb. I hope to God that this is not the 29th call I have received from you regarding Time Warner phone service.

Well - um, it is. I am calling with an exciting new offer to have all of your phone services switched to Time Warner Cable.

I have told you guys a hundred times I am not converting over. I have a two story house with 5 phone jacks and am not willing to go to just one phone by my computer!

Well, that's the great news Mr. Whizdumb. Now you don't have to replace any equipment or install any new wiring. All you have to do is plug one phone into your modem and all of the other phones in the house will automatically work. No extra fees. Just plug that phone in your modem and we will take care of the rest.

What? All my phones will work off the modem? - No special equipment or costs? How can that be possible. Dude - are you talking through your ass?

There is a pause in the conversation.

Um, there is no need to get personal. But if you are asking if I am telling the truth - Yes, Sir - 100%. I assure you. All you have to do is give me the go ahead.

Well, shit howdy - okay. If it's that easy - let's do it!

Now, being the cautious person I am, I called back Time Warner two additional times to confirm that all my phones would work when I converted over and I got the same - not a problem - reassurance each time. So, that should have been the end of the saga. My service with Verizon would end on 12-21-2012 and be converted over to Time Warner. Sadly, it was only the beginning.

I suppose that my first clue of the pending disaster should have been that I opted to end my Verizon phone service on the same day the Mayans had predicted the end of the planet (how did I miss that?). My second clue should have been that I was in fact dealing with an over charging, corporate behemoth straight from the gates of hell. I remember telling myself, relax - you remember how easy it was to connect your computer to the Internet - this ought to be a snap.

Anyway, 12-21-2012 came and I called Mi Esposa at home. NO ANSWER!

Odd, not even my voice mail picked up. I know that Mi Esposa was at home. She said that she would be on the couch watching the news on our Time Warner Cable. There is no way should she would be distracted.

I call again - NOTHING!

Finally, certain that something was wrong I call Mi Esposa's cell number. After four agonizing rings she answers:

Mi Esposa: Olla
Me: What the hell is that in the background? It sounds like Sancho.

Mi Esposa: Oh goodness - no. That was Doctor Sanjay Gupta - they sound a lot
a like you know.
Me: Hmmm - Okay, did you hear the phone ring.
Mi Esposa: No, my dear.
Me: KHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, I am not sure why I screamed Khan. It seems to spontaneously spurt from my mouth when I am angry these days. Although it is a rather obscure Star Trek II reference (and as a note - the best of the Star trek movies), it has replaced the word FUCK in my vocabulary, so I suppose that, all in all, it is a good thing.

Anyway, I run upstairs to my computer and dial my number again. I can hear very faint ring on the phone connected to my modem. None of the other lines in the house are ringing.

I call Time Warner.

Time Warner: Thank you - calling Time Warner. This be Crowe Magnum. Can me help you?

Me: Yeah Crowe, my phone service was supposed to be transferred over today - and - the only phone in the house that works is the one connected to the computer modem.

Time Warner: So, everything work good?

Me: Uh - no. Only the phone connected to the computer is working. The phones connected to the other jacks in the house are dead.

Time Warner: Yes. That how it work. Who told you it work other way?

Me: You did!

Time Warner: Can't be. This first time we talk. But I can fix. Send technician to your cave - do some wiring . Only cost forty dollars. Be there in two weeks.

Me: GO KHAN YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!! YOU KHAN-ING IDIOT. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU KHANNED ME AGAIN!

Time Warner: Crowe confused.

CLICK.

Those dirty bastards, they lied to me again. I went from four perfectly working phones strategically placed throughout the house to a single device now tucked away upstairs by my computer. I KNEW IT!!! Shame on me for trusting these bastards.

I felt the rage boiling up inside of me. I need to do something to release it. I decided to email Time Warner with my complaint. This started an even more aggravating trail of communication with these Mother Khansters. Here are the emails:

Time Warner's response was very timely:

Thank you for contacting Time Warner Cable Email Support. I certainly understand that you have a concern regarding phone service and will be glad to help you with your concern.

I checked your account and I can see that our representatives have helped you connecting the phone equipment directly to the modem and your phone is working now. I checked further and found that you
would like to connect the other home phones without the phone outlet. I am sorry to inform you that such type of set up is not possible with Time Warner Cable digital phone service. To send the voice signals from the modem to the other phone equipment, we will need the phone outlet installed. If you wish to get the phone outlet installed, you can either contact us so that we can set up technician's visit at one time charge of $40.95(outlet charge would be additional and it would be around $20.95 one time charge per outlet. You can contact us over the phone at 888-892-2253 or chat online with us and we will be glad to help you so that you can enjoy the services you are paying for.

We appreciate your business with us!

My follow-up was fast:

Thank you so much for your non-response, response. Essentially, all you did

was repeat my complaint back to me. If you check your records you will find three separate phone calls from me to Time Warner prior to switching my Verizon number attesting to the fact that (a) no wiring changes were needed and, (b)that all one had to do is to plug a single phone into the back of the modemand that all other phones in the house would work. Those were lies told prior to my conversion.Now that I have had my Verizon service terminated, I am being told the truth. The fact that you would respond with a charge of $40.to rectify the fact that TWC has fundamentally screwed up my phone

service is not only unsatisfactory - it is insulting.

P.S I sent you a picture of me with a Time Warner cable stuck in my

ass. No response?

Back from Time Warner:
Thank you for contacting Time Warner Cable Email Support. Please accept our sincere apologies for the less than satisfactory customer service you have experienced with Time Warner Cable. Please be assured we always have the best of intentions when serving our customers, unfortunately, from time to time, these efforts do not come to fruition. When you do not receive the level of attention you deserve, our entire team is dedicated to correcting the problem, and making sure it does not happen again. We will be sure to share the poor experience you encountered with our entire team so that everyone re-focuses on the importance of providing quality customer service.

I can understand that you are willing to have more phones connected to the services. If the outlet are already present then there will not be any need for the technician visit the location. You can hook up the phone cords and the other phones will start working. If you have any further questions, please respond to this email

Okay, now I a getting pissed.

Dearest Time Warner. Are you actually reading the fucking emails???? 

YOU CANNOT HOOK UP ONE PHONE AND THE OTHER PHONES WILL START WORKING!!!!!!!! That was the lie that started this travesty. That is why you wanted to charge me $41 to install a phone outlet!!!! (please see your prior email). Stop misinforming

customers who are deciding whether or not to switch to TWC. Here is how your God damn system works:

1. You hook a phone into the modem. That phone will work fine.

2. Any phones that you have connected to outlets in your house WILL NOT WORK.


3.If you want these outlets to work - Time Warner will send a technician to your house and charge you a bunch of money for the re-wiring.

Stop deceiving customers. Call your own friggin number and ask them if all their phones will work when they switch to Time Warner. They will inaccurately be told - yes. no problem.

For God's sake - Do not respond to me again unless you plan on

actually reading the complaint.

p.s. I hope you get stung by a bee.

Time Warner responds again:

Thank you for contacting Time Warner Cable Email Support. I do understand your frustration. I apologize that you have been not advise properly regarding your phone services. You need to call technician when you first time do installation. Once the technician will fix it your phone will work fine. If you have any further questions, please respond to this email

I respond:

Wow - in the same day I get two emails from you:

First one: If the outlet are already present then there will not be any need for the technician visit the location. You can hook up the phone cords and the other phones will start working.

Second One: You need to call technician when you first time do installation.

Comical - no need for further response. I will be working directly with State and Local agencies from this point forward. Now, in the first email I sent you there was a pic of me with a Time Warner Cable up my ass. In a follow-up email I said I hope your dog gets cancer. I apologize for that as no animal should have to pay for Time Warner's incompetence. To make up for that I have inserted a picture of a Time Warner customer hanging themselves with your cable.

Okay, no calls from the suicide hot line, so I assume Time Warner was spending as much attention to detail as ever. They responded.

Thank you for contacting Time Warner Cable Email Support. I apologize for the inconvenience caused to you regarding the Phone service related concern. I can certainly understand how frustrating it would be for you. Even I would feel the same in such a situation. Please plug the Phone cord in to the Line 1 Jack of the modem. It is at the back of
the modem. This should make your Phone start working. Try this procedure and if you face any problems, Please feel free to approach us . We would be happy to assist you with it.If you already have an outlet, a technician visit is not necessary.

My response:

First - fuck off. Second, I will try one last time to describe the issue.

1. I plugged ONE of my phones into the back of the modem. That phone works fine.

2. I have 4 other phone outlets in the house. They do not work. They get a dial tone, but do not ring when called.

3. TWC told me several times that all my phones would work by plugging one into the cable. That is not true.

4. When I called, I was told that a technician visit was required at a cost of $40.

5. I get an email yesterday stating that a technician visit is not required.

6. I get another email today stating that a technician visit IS required.

7. I get you email saying that a technician visit is not required.

I am getting the feeling that you all are just alternating answers.

I have sent you many funny pictures along with some inappropriate insults and despite these diligent efforts - no reaction. Perhaps in your Bangladesh service center the pictures are not translated in the emails and there is a lack of understanding of American curse words. Note: Had I mentioned Fuck Off yet?

This should be a straightforward answer - will all of the jacks work with my existing phone merely by plugging in one of my phones into the modem. Yes - or No?

Their response:

Thank you for contacting Time Warner Cable Email Support. Thank you for sharing your issue in detail. I understand that you have multiple Phone outlets and multiple Phones at your house. From your description it seems that there is an issue with your Phone outlets. The Outlets need to remain connected internally so that the signals reach the respective
Phone instruments. Please call a local technician to check about the issue. If you want our technician to come and look in to the issue, there would be a one time trip charge of $40.00.

If you have any further questions, please respond to this email or contact us.

My response:

KHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I sit today, I have not fixed my phone issue. The only solace I can take at this moment is that I will this post will be spread over the internet through my use of Time Warner's high speed internet services. Oh, and in closing - just for search engine purposes - TIME WARNER CABLE SUCKS.

2013 Year in Review

2012-12-12T10:33:00.001-08:00

Well, it is once again time for the Words of Whizdumb annual predictions for the upcoming year. Keeping in mind that I may have been a bit off the mark in my 2012 predictions, I may tend to be a little less bold this year. So forgive me in advance if you do not find the prognostications to be cutting edge (that's right - I'm feeling a little humble).

Anyway - here it goes.

The Economy

Yes, America will go off the Fiscal Cliff on January 1st, 2013. Here is how I am certain the dramatic scene will play out:

It is 11:59 p.m, December 31, 2012 on the East coast of America. Our camera pans in to a darkened White House, lit only by the remaining embers of liberty.

The President and First Lady are asleep in their bedroom. The clock strikes 12:00. Michelle is awaken by a sound. Not sure where it came from, she nudges a fast asleep Barack.

Michelle:"Did you hear that?"
Barack: "zzzzzzzzzz."
Michelle:"Barack - wake-up!"
Barack: "What the........"
Michelle:"I heard a small noise."
Barack:  "Yawn - what time is it?"
Michelle:"Midnight."
Barack:  "It's nothing. We just went off the fiscal cliff is all."
Michelle:"Are you sure? Shouldn't you go downstairs and check?"
Barack:  "No. It's just Boehner and McConnel horsing around. I'll fix it in the morning. Now go back to sleep."

And - SCENE.

That is pretty much it. The Fiscal Cliff will have about as much impact as Y2K did. All of the tax cuts will expire and the draconian defense cuts will be in effect at 12:01 a.m on January 1, 2013. By noon that same day, a deal will be cut to restore the most of the tax cuts and the defense budget. CNN will run a month long series on why the Fiscal Cliff didn't really matter.

Now, that will be the only day in 2013 that Democrats and Republicans agree to do anything constructive about the economy. Our jobs will continued to be outsourced and the very last thing manufactured in America will be the number two pencil. That plant will close in November, 2013 and the related jobs shipped to the FoxConn factory in China. The Corporate press release will say that the firm had no choice as American workers refused to get the lead out and therefore continuing their pencil operations here would be pointless. (Note to my readers: sorry - this is very weak humor on my part - I'm just not able to focus with all this fiscal cliff crisis panic going on).

Miraculously, the $16 trillion dollar national debt will be eliminated by the end of 2013 and the solution to this problem will require no new taxes and no spending cuts. The solution was staring us in the face all along.

Following the precedent set by the Justice Department of merely fining Corporations for their gross criminal conduct (e.g., Citibank, HBC, BP, Goldman Saks, etc.), our politicians will realize that, for the most part, individual criminals should be be treated in the same manner. The Act, passed by Congress in August, 2013 was called the - Don't Do the Crime if You Can't Pay the Fine - Act and was formed on the principle of - if one could afford to commit a crime, they ought to pay for it (no free rides).

Not only did we we save billions by closing most of our prisons, the Treasury became flush with funds from criminal fine assessments. Now, certainly, some crimes were deemed to be so heinous that prison time was still required. Here is a brief extract from the Act that demonstrates how different crimes will be treated:

Not only did we wipe out our debt, we received enough funds to lower the social security retirement age to 50. This provided an enormous boost to casinos and golf courses. The only down side to the Act was that it basically made Grover Norquist's No New Taxes pledge irrelevant. Sadly, in what could only be described as the most ironic death in history, much like he dreamed of for the Government he detested, Grover Norquist drowned in a bathtub.

In Entertainment

The film, Lincoln will dominate the Academy awards, winning all major categories (Best Picture, Actor, Director and Film). The only major award it will not win is the one for film score. Interesting factoid on this - during the scene where President Lincoln is negotiating the terms of the Confederate's surrender, the original film score included the melody from the well known and beloved Lincoln, Lincoln - I've been thinking. However, due to copyright problems it was replaced with some rather bland violin music probably costing the film a complete sweep of the Oscars.

Of course, given the Hollywood's penchant to copy rather than to originate success, there will be a slew of presidential related movies starting with both a prequel and a sequel to Lincoln. Both films will star James Franco. The prequel (Honestly Abe) will tell the tale of Lincoln's early years as a struggling lawyer. His mother, played of course by Frances McDormand, strongly dislikes Mary Todd (i.e., because she is as crazy as bat shit). We see Abe struggle in the battle between the wills of these two strong women while trying to launch his fledgling legal career. The film ends at the close of the Lincoln-Douglas debates. The young Lincoln trounces the more established Stephen Douglas (played by Billy Bob Thornton) and is now off to Washington. As we see the train leaving the station, the last image is that of Mary Todd giving Lincoln's mother the I will cut your throat sign as she waves good bye to her son.

The sequel, also starring James Franco, will tell the tale of Abel Lincoln, a direct descendant of Abe, who is the farthest thing from the original He is greedy, callous and will stop at nothing to make a buck. Deprived of the ability to have even a basic romantic relationship, Abel spends his evenings in the arms of a barely sane local stripper named Merry Tawdry.

The film ends in dramatic fashion. While watching the American version of Cousin Couisine at the Kodak theater in Los Angeles, Abel Lincoln is shot by a crazed actor in the production (J.W. Booth) who also happens to be a disgruntled ex-client. As Abel is gasping his last breath, Merry Tawdry whispers in his ear - you finally take me on a real date and this happens - honestly Abel...."

Of course, the success of the Lincoln trilogy spawned a slew of presidential based films during 2013. Among others, there was a film that documented the life of Teddy Roosevelt starring John Goodman and a hilarious Muppet themed comedy about the life and times of James K. Polk starring Will Ferrel and featuring Miss Piggy (A Pig and a Polk).

Perhaps the most creative of this new genre was the very controversial what if docudrama co-written and produced by Robert Redford and Spike Lee that explored the question - what if Thomas Jefferson had been a black man?

In a shocking change of direction, there will be three more reality television shows based on a singing contest. In a new creative twist, these shows will have a celebrity panel of judges to provide feedback to the wannabe stars and each show will be hosted by a young white guy who has no obvious talent other than the ability to hold a microphone and speak at the same time (he will be paid millions).

There will also be one new reality show based where desperate, unemployed folks audition to find a job. It will be called American Idle and be hosted by Donald Trump. It'll have a panel consisting of b-list celebrities who have made millions despite not having any discernible talents. Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian and Snooki are slated for season one). As is the case with many of these shows, it will create it's own catch phrase - You're Not Hired!

Fox, CNN and MSNBC will continue their long and proud tradition of absolutely sucking in 2013 (Hey - I'm just keep em honest). In their constant tit for tat with Fox, MSNBC will launch a parody show of O'Reilly called Oh Really (they will fail to recognize that is basically what Steven Colbert has been doing for the last half decade). In other MSNBC News (oxymoron), host Rachel Maddow will review that her and Christoper Hayes are actually the same person.

In Politics

2013 will be an off election year, so there will not be quite the buzz that was created in 2012. Regardless, there still will be some note worthy events.

As a result of the disastrous showing in the 2012 Presidential and Senatorial elections, The Tea Party will start to become more and more isolated and lose much of its political strength (a condition that the pundits will referred to as Low Tea).

In celebrity politics, both Alec Baldwin and George Clooney will announce that they are considering political careers. Clint Eastwood will announce that he is continuing in his efforts to end the political careers of others. A chair will be involved.

There will be A shocking revelation in 2013. Part-time Presidential candidate and full time prick, Rick Santorum will reveal that his hostilities towards gay people was really just a form of self-hatred. His tell all auto-biography will be a best seller and a movie version of his life starring Dane Cook as his inner self will get early Oscar buzz for 2014.

Upon hearing the news about Santorum, Ann Coulter makes an inadvertent slip by stating that she knew Santorum wasn't half the man that she was.

Speaking of Ann, she will be arrested in December of 2014 for illegally importing neck rings from Africa. She will claim it is a continuation of the secular left's war on Christmas.

Several Republicans will be caught having extra-marital affairs, at least one of which will be with a minor. MSNBC will swiftly point out the hypocrisy of these discretions. FOX news will launch an investigative report on whether gay soldiers in Benghazi contributed to not stopping the attack. Several Democrats will be caught having extra-marital affairs, FOX News will swiftly point out how indicative this is of a God less, secular party. MSNBC will run a story on Rush Limbaugh's drug addiction.

As a result of an American With Disabilities lawsuit filed by the ACLU, the traditional Red-Blue electoral map of the United States will be changed to gray and dark gray states in deference to the color-blind. All though a controversial name change, it was much preferred over the first alternative - black and really black, states.

In General News

Under the category of - If Looks Could Kill - I think it is fair to assume that right-wing rocker and gun advocate Ted Nugent will commit a mass murder during 2013.

Of course, the national news networks will immediately engage in our annual tradition of discussing the merits of stronger gun control laws with pundits on the left chiming how many tragedies does it take and those on the right uttering now is not the time. FOX news will lead with a headline - What if Micheal Moore Was A Murderer. Preposterous, as we all know that the only think Michael Moore can be convinced of killing is the concept of a truly independent documentary.

The Supreme Court will issue it's decision on gay marriage in late 2013. Not being able to bring themselves to legitimize gay marriage, but still recognizing that all Americans should be treated equally, the court will shockingly decide that therefore all marriages are unconstitutional and there will be two immediate consequences; (1) The court will immediately order the dissolution of all marriages, and (2) Mi Esposa will put a sharp knife up against my throat and softly whisper "Ni siquiera pienso en ti maldito bastardo." There will also be an unintended consequence on business. Based on the previous Citizen's United ruling declaring corporations as people, all previous corporate mergers will also be deemed as to have been marriages and therefore, also dissolved. AOL will issue a statement to Time Warner telling them that - they loved them, but that they were not IN love with them. Judge

Donald Trump will continue his search for truth and in June of 2013 offer NASA $5 million to release the real photos of the moon landing. In August he will offer $5 million for the release of the real, unedited Zagruder films and follow that up with a $5 million dollar offer to visit Area 57.

In a final desperate attempt to keep his name in the national spotlight, In November of 2013, Donald Trump will have himself mummified and embark on a nation-wide tour.

In 2013 the continuing pattern of dramatic weather events will continue. In particular,
Another super storm will ravage the state of Washington. Pat Robertson will claim that it was God's punishment for Washington's approval of gay marriage. Meanwhile, Connecticut, Maine and Maryland will inexplicably have lovely weather (perhaps they were off God's Gaydar). In related news, both the northern and southern ice caps will melt completely and Rush Limbaugh will be eaten by a starving, migrating polar bear. This will lead all scientists to conclude that, while the rise in the ocean levels are wreaking havoc on man-kind, apparently global warming has positive side effects as well.

In Technology

After making record profits though the release of the Mini, Micro and Minuscule IPads, Apple will finally stub their toe through the release of their Invisible IPad (no will buy, they will just pretend that they have one).

In Sports

In the Superbowl, the Denver Broncos will defeat the New York Giants by a score of 28-27. Half of America's Mannings will be happy and half will be sad.

In Closing

I have an Inca-ling that the planet will survive

Of course, for my 2013 predictions to be relevant, the world must not end on 12-21-2012 as predicted by the Mayan calendar. I have faith that it will not as I have dedicated extensive research to the issue and have discovered that Nostradamus had previously predicted that the Mayan calendar would inaccurately predict the end of the world (note: don't you think it would have been more appropriate if his name had been spelled Knowstradamus? I just think he missed an opportunity there).

My final and most likely prediction for 2013. I will quit this life as an unsuccessful blogger and turn my attention to the million dollar business of making new dance craze videos.

I see a Friday and I want to Paint it Black

2012-11-29T10:08:00.006-08:00

Oh the shoppers outside are frightful........... I sung to myself as I drove by the half mile line at Best Buy on my way to Thanksgiving dinner.

Almost 250 million Americans lined up early in the dark cold morning to go to a friggin Best Buy or Walmart. WTF has happened to us?

We spend Thanksgiving day giving thanks primarily for our non-material blessings (friends, family, health) and as soon as we wash the dishes we line up like cattle to stampede for material things. I have only been on the planet for a little more than 55 years, but I am pretty sure I never heard anyone give thanks for the deep discount they got on that flat screen television.

Let's first deal with the name first as we are in dire need of a new one. Popular myth is that Black Friday is used to describe the shopping horror show on the day after Thanksgiving because that is the first day of the year that retailers start to make a profit (i.e., go into the black). As a note, Goldman Sach's and Exxon celebrate their Black Friday on the first Friday in January of each year.

Anyway, the profit myth is not entirely accurate. The term Black Friday was originated by the Philadelphia police department in 1961 and was in reference to the disruptive pedestrian and vehicle traffic that typically followed on the day after Thanksgiving. As in - "Fuck me, I can't believe I got assigned to patrol on Black Friday."

Besides that, the term has already been taken - by Wall Street of all people. And, Black Friday was sure as shit not about retail profits. It was in reference to the day in 1987 that the Dow Jones took a huge crapper. Black Friday being the natural term of art for them since the 1929 depression started on Black Tuesday.

I have wondered how do black people feel about the Black Friday nomenclature? They have already had to endure a lifetime of black sheep, black cat, black magic and now black is associated with the chaotic shopping day where we essentially riot to get a television. Not for me to say, but if I were black I think I would ask them to pick another title (Green Friday?). Any-hoo - it just sucks as a name.

Now some of you may be thinking - hey dude, why do you give a shit - just don't shop. Well, yeah - I suppose you have a point there, but I do see things getting worse for us all. My forecast:

1. Expansion will continue.

Black Friday started with stores offering discount prices on the day after Thanksgiving during their normal shopping hours. That quickly moved to 5:00 a.m and this year, many retailers opened up on 8:00 on Thanksgiving night. So, we know what is coming over the next several years. Black Friday will evolve into Black Week and Black Week will evolve into Black Month (Black Hysteria Month?).

2. There will be a fucking movie.

Given how this insidious event has invaded our culture, you know there is eventually going to be a Black Friday movie. It is almost a certainty and without a doubt it will start Kevin James and some up and coming incredibly attractive sidekick.

Here's how the pitch will go:

Kevin, fat and clumsy but soft-hearted and intelligent and Guy, handsome but shallow and empty headed, are two undercover cops working at the mall during Black Friday. Tiffany, played by Anne Hathaway is a store manager caught between her need for a salary and her disdain for the blatant commercialization of the holidays. Kevin secretly pines for Tiffany - but alas, she has a crush on Guy.

The movie opens as we see Tiffany's Nazi like manager (played of course by Jane Lynch) berating her for not scheduling enough people to work the store on Thanksgiving. Over a cup of coffee, Kevin offers a kind ear and comfort to Tiffany. Tiffany thanks Kevin for the support but, to Kevin's dismay - she also reveals her lust for Guy as she gives Kevin a kiss on the cheek as a token of thanks.

The rest of the movie is filled with hilarious shopping related hi jinks (e.g., shopper slipping on wet bathroom floor, clerks smoking a joint in the parking lot, cashier accidentally ringing up a $1 dollar rather than a $100 sale, etc.). Of course there will be several scenes where Jane Lynch stares at Guy's rear end and utters something to the effect of - "I sure wouldn't mind if he stuffed my stockings."

The film reaches it's climax when the doors open at 4:00 am on Black Friday and a panicky riot ensues as shoppers trample each other over the limited supply of cheap products. Tiffany is in a panic as she sees the rush of humanity. She looks for Guy for assistance but to her utter dismay, spots him in the TV aisle elbowing out and elder couple to get the last Samsung for himself. She turns her head only to see Kevin taking control of the situation, bringing calm back to the store. Of course, at this point she falls head over heels for Kevin - we hear A Winter Wonder Land playing in the background. The film closes with a montage shots of Kevin and Tiffany, now a married couple walking their children through the mall at Christmas time.

Maybe not this year or even the next. But you know that horrible movie is coming and you are going to have to suffer through all of the commercials. You might even have to listen to a couple of your less cultured friends laud the film (Dude - you got to see that Black Friday flick - fuuuuuunnnnny!)

I don't get to decide. But if a film has to be made, I would make it sci-fi. Something like - conquering aliens invade earth on Black Friday and give real meaning to the name as they devour human shoppers lined up like ants outside of retail outlets. Something like this:

3. News stations will continue to whore the story.

Every last news station gets to roll out their pre-staged Black Friday fake news story each year. Not only do the retail stores essentially get free advertising, the news stations get to fill air time at virtually no cost. Just take last years story, change the date and report on the (yawn) - shoppers lining up in the dark of night, the random acts of violence and the obligatory "what does Black Friday say about us editorial." It's golden for the news stations. Almost like if Whitney Houston died each year.

Now, CNN being at the forefront will probably break ground here and eventually do some hour long documentary on Black Friday. Dr Sanjay Gupta will do a segment on the addictive nature of discount shopping and of course there will be a new disease created (sickosale anemia?) to explain the phenomena of otherwise rational human beings compulsively waiting in a 12 hour line to save 20% on a cell phone.

Much like every other tragedy or disaster, Anderson Cooper will be reporting from the front lines.

4. TGIF will have a Black Friday Dinner Special (TGIBF).

Nuff said - you know they will do this sooner or later.

I am sure there are a whole host of other consequences that will be visited upon on us for this shopping orgy - but four is enough for now.

As a brief aside, I don't really have a problem with Cyber Monday - the internet's counterpart to Black Friday. there are no crowds, no violence and clerks don't have to work on a holiday. It is merely a day when folks can sit in the comfort of their home and buy stuff on-line at a nice price. That being said, I am not in love with the name. Cyber Monday sounds too porn-ish (XXXMas Shopping?) for my tastes and they could have used something simple like On-line Savings Day. That, and what is with the Monday bull shit? Make it a weekend day.

Moving on.

Forgetting my own selfish concern for our future, I need someone to explain to me how this nightmare continues to grow in popularity.

People almost have a seizure if they have to wait an extra hour for an airplane. If a dinner reservation is off by 20 minutes there is going to be a temper tantrum somewhere. An hour wait at the DMV? - intolerable.

Yet, folks will wait in line over night to shop at a Target or Walmart? I don't get it and probably never will.

AND - where the hell are the War on Christmas folks??????????????????????

The minute a town council or school changes the name of some Christmas event to a Holiday event, all hell breaks loose. If your Store sign reads Happy Holiday rather than Merry Christmas it is a sign that the Armageddon has become.

Shouldn't they all be protesting the gross commercialization of Christmas that Black Friday represents? Christ, at a minimum you would think that that since Good Friday is a fairly important day in the faith, they would like retailers to use something other than Black Friday as the moniker for Christmas shopping.

I know what some of you are thinking - Dude, your an atheist, why do you give a rat's ass about Christmas shopping - AND - if you don't want to shop - DON'T!.
That may be a fair point, but I am a person who likes American traditions. Easter Sunday is a fine day. Super Tuesday is a grand American voting ritual and Ash Wednesday - while not for me, is nice because people do get to wear charcoal on their foreheads. Superbowl Sunday is simply grand. I don't want Black Friday to become part of our traditions. And while I certainly don't have any religious gravitas to weigh in on the issue, I am relatively certain that Santa is on my side.

Oh......... Maybe not.

You've used some naughty words in your blog.
The only thing you get from Santa is an eraser.

THE AUDACITY OF SMOKE

2012-11-15T18:24:00.001-08:00

Right now I would choke a baby bunny to death for a cigarette. You think I'm kidding? Just bring that furry little bastard to my house along with a pack of Benson and Hedges and let's see how long fluffy survives.

This is day 365 of no smoking. Okay, it's only day five, but it feels like a FUCKING YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!.

Sorry, I shouldn't swear or shout. I'm just not myself. How do I know that. Because I am a God damn smoker - at least five days ago I was. Sob - sob (you need to envision me breaking down and sobbing now).

All the non-smokers, please just leave now. I need to talk to the smokers.

They gone? Good, all they would do is lecture. So, who has a fucking cigarette? No one?!? ARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

It is so hard to write without nicotine surging through my system - stimulating my nerve synapses, planting creative thoughts through a rush of dopamine. Ahhhh - the mental orgasm. I was suppose to finish Part Two on that stupid Maid In America post but I just don't give a shit anymore. I want a God damn cigarette!!!! Wait, maybe I left some in the house somewhere - you know, old shirt pocket, tucked away in the back of a drawer. I'll be back.

Nothing!!! Not even a butt!!

Right now I am going through each and every one of the classic side affects from quitting smoking. Little factoid here - when you quit smoking you (a) get a huge increase in your sense of smell and (b) get a lot of gas. What a nice fucking combination that is. I can't stand being around me. Aside from the fact I really know how much I stink, I'm irritable, can't focus and NEED A CIGARETTE!

Okay, I simply can't be conscience anymore because I know I am going to break down and go get a pack. Where is Michael Jackson's doctor when you need him? Alright, I'll down a couple of Advil P.M. and take a nap. Yeah, that's the ticket - a nice long sleep to get me through this.

NIGHTMARE!!!!!!!!!

What the hell. Where did that dream come from? I have turned into the rabbit that I was willing to kill for the cigarette and - apparently, it's friggin Christmas! Wait a menthol minute - doesn't that mean that the dream is telling me I need to smoke in order to save the Christmas bunny??? That the only thing standing between me and a merry Christmas for the children is my own selfish desire not to smoke - right? RIGHT???

What's that? - Probably not, you say. Oh, you think I am the bunny and am killing myself by smoking and the no smoking sign I am holding is revealing my inner conflict. But - it's still Christmas. Doesn't that mean the dream really means I am suppose to quit on Christmas and smoke like a chimney until then? Hmmm - go to the liquor store or keep writing. Tough call. I'll write for a bit. Bear with me, it's going to be a bit incoherent because - hmm - what was the reason? - oh, now I remember - I NEED A FUCKING CIGARETTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What should we do to kill time? Hmmm - Let's examine smokers. Our we bad people? Are we all just idiots? Let's take a look at some who have been taken over by the nasty habit:

Great Presidents smoked. Kennedy did and Obama did (okay, he probably still does). All in all, a dozen presidents smoked while in office and many more smoked and quit before they ran (Reagan and Eisenhower most notably).

Brilliant actors smoke - from all generations.

You know the list would be endless so I just listed a couple of my favorites. Jack for his unparalleled skills and Brad because anyone who has 12 adopted children deserves to have a cigarette.

Geniuses smoked. That's right, Albert Einstein was a heavy smoker. Which means - at one point in our history - someone must have in fact uttered the phrase - Hey Einstein - don't you know smoking is bad for your health?

Thomas Edison was a heavy cigar smoker and he is the only other famous scientist that I could think of. But alas, no pic of Edison puffing was available so I went with Marley because certainly he was a musical genius and he did share the same hair style as Einstein. You know who didn't smoke - Hitler.
Just saying.

Just a quick aside on Marley since, between weed and tobacco, he may have ingested more smoke on a daily basis than any other man in history. Was he taken from us due to emphysema or lung disease? No - he died because he got cancer in his toe. His fucking toe! - It's true and that is one of the reasons that smokers continue to smoke - because you just as well might die of toe cancer. Which nicely transitions to our next area of exploration - what the fuck are smokers thinking?

As someone trying to make the transition from a happy smoker to a miserable, depressed non-smoker, I think I can provide a bit of a service in letting non-smokers know how smokers view the world (note to self: I have come to the realization that typing smoking over and over again while trying to quit may be a bit destructive). Anyway - This is necessary because one day some naive, yet innocent, non-smoker will come up to a smoker and utter those immortal words - Don't you know smoking causes lung cancer? - and end up with a lit butt extinguished on their forehead.

So here it is for all my non-smoking friends - YES, we know smoking causes lung cancer and we don't care. Not a fucking iota.

I know that has to be a totally, inexplicably stupid thought to a non-smoker. Maybe this side by side of the non-smoker versus the smoker's mind will be of assistance:

Event Non-smoker Thought Smoker Thought

John Kennedy gets What a waste of life. What a waste of life. Good
shot in the head. thing he didn't quit smoking.

Jim Fixx dies of a His poor family. Now I can smoke AND not
heart attack while exercise.
running.

Walter Payton dies My God, he was so Good diet, tip-top shape and
at the age of 42. healthy. and the poor bastard still
dies. I'm smoking AND
eating burgers.

Got it? It's simple. Once in a blue moon some famous person will die of lung cancer and more times than not they will be old when they die. There are not enough of them to register. On the other hand, every friggin day the news is filled with stories about healthy people who were taken in the prime of their life either by some random event or by a non-smoking related disease.

Here's how we read the news:

Smoker: (Inhaling deeply). Let's see what's happening today. Well, the Stock Market is up - that's good.

Smoker: (Exhales forcefully). What's this? Patrick Swayze died of pancreatic cancer. Man, I liked that guy.

Smoker: (Inhaling deeply). Well, fuck it - that dude was as healthy as they come. I sure as shit ain't going to quit smoking now.

Smoker: (Exhales forcefully). Oh wow - the Lakers won.

That is pretty much how the synapses connect for us. Now, please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that smoking does not cause lung cancer - it does. But non-smoking doesn't cure death and smokers are reminded of that on a daily basis.

There is also this. The streets are not riddled with the corpses of folks who died prematurely from smoking related diseases. However, they are riddled with a whole bunch of old smokers just puffing away. We greet each old smoker as if they are evidence of all that is right in the world - See - that old fucker made it. There simply are not enough scientific journals in the world that can replace first hand observation. As one anonymous smoker so once aptly put it - smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Basically, we are not afraid of dying from some smoking related disease. However, we are very, very much afraid of having to live with one. The big two are (1) cancer from the neck up (i.e., any kind of throat, lip, or tongue cancer) and (2) emphysema.

I am really frightened by the hole in the neck thing. You know, the one you have to cover to talk because they removed your voice box. The only upside to that is you could do a hell of a Stephen Hawkings impression ("In the cosmos - breath - there are an - breath - infinite number of - breath - smokers - breath - and non smokers...).

Alas - there isn't a huge market for Hawkings impresarios these days, so I'm going to have to stick with the hole in the neck thing as a net negative. I'll tell you this as well - that ad campaign (right) they ran with the woman who was still smoking despite the fact that she had to blow it out her neck hole was scary shit. I almost quit the first time I saw it - very effective.

Somehow though over the years my sick mind was able to convert that image to this one:

Anyway, they should run that ad more often, It does scare the bejesus out off smokers. We also cannot stand the thought of living with any kind of mouth or tongue cancer. Just the image of me sadly sitting on the couch babbling away about my fate with my half of tongue: - "I ished I mever moked. I was so supid not to it moking."

All in all, not a pretty picture.

Then there is the emphysema. It is undoubtedly connected to smoking and smokers know it. There is nothing sadder than watching a person with 20% of their lung capacity sucking down a cigarette.

The bottom line is this. If you want to quit smoking - forget the part about it that might kill you and instead focus on what you might have to live with. It's really that easy so I.......

GOD DAMN IT! I WANT A FUCKING CIGARETTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. I DON'T CARE IF I GET A HOLE IN THE NECK - JUST GIVE ME ONE!!!!!!!!

Calm down - breathe - deep, in and out. Steady, steady - there you go. Now, keep typing.

Okay then, what else is bad about smoking. Oh yeah, it makes you smell really bad (The Men Who Smell Like Goats) and it make your teeth brown and your fingers yellow.

Shit, that ain't enough. I guess I'm going to have to face facts - I am an addict. Okay, here's a thought. So, right now I have one of those Nico-derm packs on to help me slowly rid my body of nicotine cravings. It doesn't work other than the fact that one's body can only handle so much nicotine so once you slapped it on - you're pretty much stuck. But - why can't they do the same thing with cigarettes??? They add the nicotine to them anyway so they certainly can control how much is in each one. There should be some kind of Nico-derm like system with real cigarettes. I am going to invent it an make a fortune:

Your first five packs - 20 Mg's of nicotine.

Your next five packs - 10 Mg's of nicotine.

Your first five packs - 5 Mg's of nicotine.

Your first five packs - 0 Mg's of nicotine.

Or something like that. You know, so you can lesson your nicotine dependency while still smoking. At the end of the program you'll be smoking nicotine free cigarettes and how hard could it really be to give up smoking nicotine free cigarettes. All that's left is the stuff that gives you lung cancer, throat cancer, lip cancer, emphysema and makes you smell like a goat. Who the hell wants all of that..........

Oh - Damn, I really am dying for a smoke.

Well, this was therapeutic - it got me through a bit of a pinch so thanks for listening along.

Day Six is tomorrow. Hopefully, it'll be better. I know in terms of quitting my mind is fucked up - but my heart is in it.

Okay - really - no one has a cigarette on them???

Maid in America - Part One

2012-11-08T18:58:00.000-08:00

Sure, I get to wear a dress that highlights my sky blue eyes, clean urine stains around toilets and clean up after people who think that hotel rooms are their personal stables, but there are also down sides to the job. For example, this dress really does not go well with my black stilettos and I look pretty silly singing my favorite song (Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me - well - Don't You!?). But that is not the point. Anyway, if we don't get serious about jobs, we may all be wearing this uniform in the future.

There has been a lot of discussion lately on what tax policy we ought to have to promote job growth and it will intensify as our two political parties now haggle over how to resolve the fiscal cliff. Taxes will be front and center but, sadly, taxes have little to do with the the root cause of our current unemployment woes.

This will be a 28 part series on the causes and the cure of the nations' unemployment problems. Okay, I'm just messing with ya. It's going to be a two part series where dealing with my disdain for the job solutions offered by republicans and my dislike for those offered by democrats. Part one is dedicated to the GOP and the myth of Job Creators that will once again rear it's ugly head as we draw nearer to the Fiscal Cliff.

Just Like Thelma and Louise Bitch

Just for purposes of framework, the Fiscal Cliff includes an array of draconian expenditure cuts and several different tax increases, most notably the expiration of the Bush Tax cuts for those making over $250,000 per year.

President Obama has previously promised to let those tax cuts expire. In 2010 he broke that promise and cut a deal to extend them. He has promised that he will let them expire at the end of this year in order to reduce the federal deficit. The bullshit is about to begin anew and it is all going to center around the Job Creator argument.

Taxes and Job Creators

The basic argument here is that if we increase taxes on the wealthy job creators (whoever the fuck these mythical creatures are) we will create less jobs. The only real problem with that argument is that it is unadulterated bullshit.

There are no (nada, zilch) independent studies that demonstrate increasing the marginal tax rates for wealthy folks has any impact on job growth. But screw charts and data for a moment and let's just go with a gut check.

Let's say that Billy Job runs a donut business. He makes a ten cent profit on every donut he sells. Last year he sold 10 million donuts and made a profit of $1 million. He had a tax rate of 25% and therefore took home $750K year to spend on the Billy Job family (I'm sure with that kind of cash, Angelina regrets not staying around).
Now, let's assume some socialist wants to raise Billy Job's tax rate to 35% leaving him with $100K less in net income. What some would want you to believe is that Billy Job's reaction would be - "um hum - fuck it - I taint creatin no more jobs - um hum."

That is crap (or in Billy Job's case - crepes). Billy Job really only has three options:

1) Do nothing. Probably not a likely outcome since Billy Job is probably not too excited about telling Mrs. Job that they need to move into a smaller house and she can forget about that second honeymoon she was planning.

2) Layoff workers. Not likely because that would mean he would produce and therefore sell less donuts. That would put him in even a worse situation.

3) Hire workers to make more donuts to so that he can make up for the $100K extra he paid in taxes.

Billy Job is going to go with option 3. What the Job Creator crowd would have you believe is that Billy's reaction to higher taxes would be to engage in behavior not in his best interest. Inexplicably, this logic seems to be only reserved for changes in taxes rather than for all things that provides an incentive for a businessman to increase volume. As an example, If Billy's competitor lowered their donut prices, Billy would have to lower his to compete. This, much like an increase in taxes, would result in less profit per donut. Those in the Job Creator camp would never argue that Billy Job's reaction to this would be to produce less donuts and therefore less jobs. Instead, they would claim that the competitive nature of the market would require Billy to make and sell more donuts to make up for the decreased profit per donut. The same logic escapes them when it comes to taxes. Somehow if Billy Job's net profits are impacted by taxes, as opposed to competition he would engage in self destructive behavior. The simple economic truth is that as one's profit margin per unit sold decreases regardless of cause - taxes or other, the most rational and likely reaction is to produce and and sell more to achieve the same level of profit. Either that, or start selling donuts with the holes in them.

On a macro level, one does not have to look to far back to see the fallacy of the job creator argument. After Clinton raised taxes, employment, household income and GDP growth all went up and our deficit went down. After the Bush tax cuts, employment, household income and GDP growth all went down and our deficit went up.

This is not just a Clinton-Bush phenomena. Our economic history bears it out: Let's take a look:

In 1950, the top tax rate was 84%. The unemployment rate was 5.3%.
In 1960, the top tax rate was 91%. The unemployment rate was 5.5%.
In 1970, the top tax rate was 72%. The unemployment rate was 4.9%.
In 1980, the top tax rate was 70%. The unemployment rate was 7.1%.
In 1990, the top tax rate was 28%. The unemployment rate was 5.6%.
In 2000, the top tax rate was 39.6%. The unemployment rate was 4%.
In 2010, the top tax rate was 35%. The unemployment rate was 9.6%.

Simply put, if low taxes on the wealthy resulted in job growth we ought to have more jobs now then we could fill. We have the lowest top marginal rates in a hundred years yet we have a dreadful employment situation.

Now, if someone wants to make an argument that the wealthy pay too much or that more taxes will just result in more government spending - have it. You can at least make a legitimate point in those areas. That being said, the GOP contrived connection between eliminating the Bush tax cuts and the job loss that would ensue is worse than a myth. It's a lie.

Coming soon. Part 2 - The fallacy of the democratic job solutions.

Final note: The Boehner donut made me hungry and sad. I'm going to eat, but I'm not going to be happy about it.

Urine Nation

2012-09-27T09:32:00.001-07:00

Pretty good night. So far only
seven trips!

I feel a bit guilty. I really should be writing about Romney's 47% gaffe or the lunatics in the middle east killing innocent people because someone posted a bad film on YouTube. There was a lot of stuff I could have written about the conventions (Clint Eastwood is sooooo funny) and that global warming thing is still going on.

But, I'm just too damn tired. One might say that I'm feeling sleep pee. No. I am not wetting the bed (again), I'm just in the middle of another in a long series of nights of sleepus interruptus.

According to a Sleep in America poll:

"....65% of adults age 55-84 report the need to get up to go to the bathroom a few nights a week or more (53% every or almost every night)."

When I read that, I was struck by two things. First, why didn't they include all the people who didn't get up, but urinated anyway, and Second - those lucky bastards! I would cut off my left nut to only have to go to the bathroom once during the night and would give up the right one if I didn't have to go at all (patience - I already told you I'm sleepy and not thinking straight).

I think if you stop taking in
any fluids for a month or so, you
should be fine.

AND - don't tell me to go to the Doctor! They're all quacks. I have had an annual physical every year for the past decade and the conversation generally goes like this:

Quack: "So, how do you sleep at night?"
Me: "I sleep like a baby."
Quack: "So you sleep good?"
Me: "No, I mean have to piss every hour and probably should be wearing diapers.
Quack: "It's probably just stress."
Me: "No, it's not."
Quack: "I'm pretty sure it is, it is the most likely cause."
Me: "Fuck you, can I go home now."
Quack: "See, it is stress."

As an editorial note, pretty much every malady I have ever suffered has initially been diagnosed by my Doctor as stress. At this point in my life I am relatively sure that if I told him I was having irregular menstrual cycles he wouldn't blink before he blurted out stress as the cause. If I had a bone protruding from my leg I know I would get the same diagnosis (maybe that's where the term stress fracture comes from). I think it is the most popular HMO diagnosis because it does not require treatment or testing. Enough of that - it's 3:00 am and I have got to pee again. I'll be right back

Okay, back - as usual it took all of ten seconds but will undoubtedly result it at least another hour of sleeplessness.

Anyway - where were we? Oh yeah, Quacks. Now, before you think me careless with my medical care I should point out that I have also been to an Urologist. Or as I refer to them as: Urine For a Higher Bill. Let me start my saying I don't even like the Urologist nomenclature. It just sounds like someone who would look to the stars to tell you why you piss so often:

Aquarius: Today you will find some interesting financial opportunities, be cautious but don't be afraid. A love interest from your past is trying to find you. Work will provide a challenge today, you best keep your head down and plow through it. Oh, once again you will wake up ten times during the night to go pee, leaving you in a groggy and dissatisfied state in the morning.

So what was the brilliant diagnosis I received? I was told that I have Nocturia. Reliable old Google gave me the real skinny on this cruel disease. Basically:

Nocturia or frequent nighttime urination may occur only occasionally or nightly. Symptoms of nocturia include excessive urination (need to urinate too much fluid), frequent urination (too many visits to the bathroom for various reasons), urinary urgency (need to urinate sometimes without much result), or reduced urine. Nocturia may result when a person's normal "body clock" allows for daytime urination pattern to occur at night. Sometimes, nocturia may simply be the result of drinking too many fluids, especially caffeinated beverages, before going to bed.

Or in plain language - I HAVE TO WAKE UP TO PEE EVERY HOUR!!!! And, of course my Doc's brilliant treatment plan was to make sure that I cut down on fluids several hours before I go to bed. Geeez - why didn't I think of that? - Oh, I did - LIKE TEN FUCKING YEARS AGO!!!

I am convinced that the only way I wouldn't pee every 45 minutes as if I stopped producing saliva four hours before I went to bed. And yes, I have tried the Flomax, herbs, Sawpalmetto and all the other recommended quack treatments to no avail.

As a note, my frequent urination is the second of many reasons why I don't believe in God (as you may recall, tooth pain was reason number one). Intelligent Design??? - My ass. Your run of the mill plumber wouldn't design a drainage system like this.

I have even tried my own remedies, but again to no avail.

Christ - it's 4:00 am. Arrrrgh!

You know, I think that Nocturia may have been responsible for Bush being elected in 2004. Think about it:

Nocturia mostly affects the elderly.
Most people in Florida are elderly.
Floridians don't know who to vote.

Who could really fill out one of those complicated ballots working on two hours of sleep. I'm now in a panic myself. Could my disorder result in me accidentally voting for Romney? (think I'll have Mi Esposa fill the ballot out for me).

God, I'm tired. Pee - pee - pee - pee - pee. All God damn night long. I know I am not alone. Far too many men suffer this malady. And the poor wives, they must be awaken every time one of our fat asses lumbers out of bed. Where is the fucking cure???? Isn't this why we approved stem cell research?? Someone needs to step up to the plate and fix this. Forget the sleep deprivation - think of the water we are literally flushing down the toilet.

Shit - I got to pee again. So tired...............................................

Just Say Know

2012-09-06T18:19:00.001-07:00

SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!!! - is what I yell at Mi Esposa every time I drop my drawers - but that is for a different post (I think it will be entitled - She's Sizing me Up). Regardless, this post is dedicated to a different matter - the war on drugs.

Now, I am not a drug user (didn't say I wasn't an abuser), so this is not a self serving post in order for me to get cheaper drugs or to avoid jail time. I just think it's time we tale a good hard look at our current policies and make an assessment of whether or not we are getting our bong for the buck.

Not sure why I am messing with this topic today. I guess it's either writing or getting high. Anyway, yes I think we ought to start thinking about legalizing some drugs and we ought to start with weed.

According to Office of National Drug Control Policy, we spend about $40 billion a year on the war on drugs and have spent more than a trillion since the imitative was announced more than forty years ago. And that doesn't even account for the lives that have been lost fighting the war. It it worth it?

Granted, not all drugs are created equal and we need to be careful how we approach the process. Cocaine and heroin are some pretty nasty habits and I am pretty sure that there are no too many folks who can take that relaxing shot or snort at night without ultimately ruining their life.

To me, marijuana is a different breed. Theoretically, anyone who smoked a considerable amount of marijuana as suppose to have short term memory damage. Is suppose to have short term memory damage. I don't buy it. I don't buy it. Yes, in my youth I was a pot smoker and did quite a bit of hash (not the corn beef variety). Fortunately, just like Bill Clinton and George Bush, I was never arrested for either of these crimes and was able to enter my wage earning years without a criminal record. Many are not. You might think that the relaxation of marijuana laws over the past decade has resulted in fewer arrests, but that is simply not the case as demonstrated here from this chart I stole from the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws (I was going to make my own, but I was high and feeling a little lethargic). I did modify it to make it a but more appealing to the eye. Here's the data:

Yup, we are now arresting about a million folks annually for marijuana offenses, the vast majority for possession (that's possession is as you have grass on your person, not possession is as you have been taken over by Satan). To put it in simpler terms, we are arresting someone for weed about every thirty seconds.

Now, in fairness, if you do your standard Googling, you'll find a fair share of sites that document the virtues of grass and an equal number that document the evils of grass. But the fact of the matter you'll find the same results for alcohol and we all know how prohibition went.

Sure, if you smoke a ton of grass, there may be some damaged brain cells from long term use. That being said, I would bet my left nut that at least half of our past ten presidential candidates got high. I'll say, both Barack and Biden did. McCain didn't (although he had may have been stoned when he picked Palin for VEEP). Bush definitely got high all the time in his youth. Dick Cheney does not have human blood so it doesnt' really matter whether he got high or not. John Kerry and Joe Lieberman both had to smoke it (and I am told Lieberman smokes it from both sides of his mouth). Clinton for sure - and he did inhale, as well as Gore were certainly stoners at some time. Bush Sr., - never and Dan Quayle maybe (I am assuming he was a LSD user since his spelling center got fried). Bottom-line, good folks bad folks. Some got high, some didn't. All grew up to be the caliber of folks who could run for national office.

So, at least according to my scientific study, like alcohol, the occasional use
of grass doesn't make you stupid and you certainly can be stupid without ever having smoked weed. There's also this - unlike alcohol. I have never encountered someone who was high on grass that was mean and nasty. It seems to be a mellowing drug. Alcohol on the other hand can turn some otherwise normal people into absolute pricks.

Given the cost of the enforcement effort and the fact that we really don;t have room in our prisons for the one million folks we are arresting each year for marijuana related crimes, we ought to at least try something different. I propose a a pilot. Let's take two States that no one really gives a sheet about - let's say North and South Dakota. We could legalize marijuana in the North and leave it illegal in the South. Do that for a year and see if North Dakota becomes anymore worse of a barren, God-forsaken landscape than South Dakota. I'm guessing it won't.

I've never really understood why as a society we tolerate alcohol, but jail folks for grass. Maybe your life experience is different than mine, but I have met far more pricks that are drunks that are dopers. In fact, dopers even have a bit on innocence about them and even when they say things that are stupid or ridiculous, they seem relatively harmless. I think this theory is best illustrated by my new movie: DICK AND DON HIT THE BONG.

See, rather than two sinister neo-cons that led us into an unjustified war, they simply looked like a couple of fellas that were sharing a high.

At least to me, the bottom line is that what didn't work for booze hasn't worked for grass. The war against marijuana hasn't worked and it is costing us a foking fortune. It's time to try a different approach. We are surely stuck in the weeds.

Fareed, Dumb of Speech

2012-08-22T09:07:00.000-07:00

Okay, you got AMESSNBC for the lefties, FUX News for the GOP and CNN for those who just enjoy a good old fashioned horrible news broadcast (hey, I'm just keep-em honest). CNN had one shining exception to their trash - Fareed Zakaria. Turns out he may not be who I thought he was. God damn it! Now what?

I used to tell anyone who would listen - oh, you got to watch Fareed Zakaria's CNN show - GPS (Global Public Square). He was extremely intelligent and had real expert guests on his panels as opposed to political hacks with an obvious agenda. Most importantly, he had mastered the art that for some foking reason seemed impossible for most panel shows to master - only one person gets to talk at a time.

You won't find Fareed on CNN this month nor be able to read his columns in TIME magazine as he is on suspension from both organizations. The crime - plagiarism. Apparently, he lifted a paragraph from a an article in the New Yorker and used it as it was his own in a column he wrote (that means cut and paste) for TIME. Fareed claims it was all an innocent mistake as he simply mixed up his notes. Sorry, no dice, For a journalist, plagiarism is akin to Kyrptonite and, more to the point, the excuse sounds like bullshit.

So, now that the host of the only watchable CNN show has been discredited, I think it is time for that failing network to revamp their line-up. I have created suggestions for their prime time programming (which, I give them permission to copy - see how easy that is?). Anyway, here are my thought for the critical prime time slots:

FRANK AND STEIN

A political talk show hosted by Barney Frank and Ben Stein.. Barney Frank will be a good representative for the left as he has been a democratic congressman for more than three decades and may be the most famous gay politician in America. Ben Stein has rock solid conservative credentials, He was a speech write for both Nixon and Ford, is a charitable chap (he did attempt to give away Ben Stein's money), is a star of the big and small screen and, with apologies to Michael Moore, did produce the most one sided documentary ("Expelled") in history.

COULTER GEIST
This show will be hosted by Ann Coulter and Willy Geist. Ann will spout her normal inane and cold hearted quotes and Willy will reminisce about his days on Morning Joe. The show will have a natural opening theme phrase - They're Heeeeerrrrreeeee...

WILL AND GRACE
George Will is a smart right wing political commentator well respected by both sides of the aisle. Although he can be a bit pompous, he is knowledgeable, well spoken, has a wry sense of humor and can always quickly get to the point. He'll comment on politics and social issues. Conversely, Nancy Grace's only skill set is the ability to feign indignation about issues that do not personally affect her. She will focus on missing blonde girls.

RUDOLPH, BLITZER, SPITZER AND -
COMMENT WITH VIXEN

The show will star Rudy Guillani, Wolf Blitzer, Elliot Spitzer and Lindsay Lohan. It will primarily focus on the War on Christmas and other important social issues.

MO, LARRY AND SHEP
There really has never been a show that focused on the good old smoke filled room days of politics It is time for one. It will be hosted by comedian Mo Rocca, interviewer Larry King and serious newsman Sheppard Smith. each week the will nostalgically look back at political antics in the past.

A BUNCH OF DICKS
This will be the lighthearted show CNN closes the evening with. It will be hosted by Dick Morris, Dick Armey and Dick Cheney. It'll be a comical, yet fair and balanced view on what is wrong in left wing politics. Each week, they will invite a notable guest representing the progressive movement to ensure that both points of view get a fair chance to be aired.

Okay, there you have it - completely marketable line-up for CNN that is sure to be a ratings smash. It certainly can't be any worse than the crap they are airing now. And, if the above shows don't work, there are already many replacements in the wings, including shows such as:

PALIN COMPARISON - Sarah Plain hosts a show comparing her qualifications with a variety of political figures from present day and the past.

IT IS ADAM AND STEVE! Comedian Adam Carolla and douche bag Steve Doocy discuss how much the gay civil rights movement is destroying America.

BEND IT LIKE BECK CAN - A show hosted by Glen Beck where he reveals all the facts he distorted in order to support his radical conclusion.

I'll stop - but basically, much like the current fare on CNN, the list of potential crap is endless.

Fareed, you let me down so. You were my last bastion of hope. I know you must be thinking that my views on this issue are a bit harsh. However, what you did was real stupid and, given my past praise of your show, you really let me down. So, I feel obligated to voice my views on the matter. After all, it is my Fareed Dumb of Speech.

SAVING PRIVATE RYAN

2012-08-13T11:42:00.000-07:00

YOU CAN HAVE OUR TAXES WHEN
YOU PRY THEM FROM OUR COLD DEAD HANDS!

SAVING PRIVATE RYAN is a film that depicts the horrors of income disclosure during times of political wars.

The widely acclaimed film is noted for it's controversial and horrific opening scene. A gruesome, twenty eight minute speech given by Private Ryan upon his selection as the 2012 Republican Vice Presidential running mate.

The underlying premise of the movie is that three of the four Ryan brothers had already released their tax returns and according to United States military law, the remaining brother is not required to release his. It is simply

too much for any one family to bear.

The Ryan brothers were as close in age as well as they were in philosophy. Even at an early age they shared a common desire to privatize medicare. Paul Ryan, third from the left (or depending on your preference, far to the right), was the most devout of all the Ryan brothers. The Ryan's father died at an early age (Paul was only 16 at the time). Fortunately, he received his father's social security benefits until he reached the eighteen, Ryan used these funds to pay for his college education at the University of Miami, Ohio. When asked why someone who had so personally and directly benefited from the social safety net provided would want to cut these benefits to others - he simply Atlas Shrugged it off and entered the battle of government service at the early age of 29.

The story takes an interesting turn as the political battle intensifies. Ryan's political brothers in arms have already released years of tax returns and Paul, now in a very hostile, is being requested to release his. In this epic scene, General Reince Priebus (yes, that was his real name) takes charge.

General Priebus: "Damn it, Ryan is about to release more than two years of tax returns."

Major Dick: That would be disastrous, General. You know when it comes to taxes the standing order is don't ask - don't tell.

General Preibus: Damn it Dick. Don't you think I know that? Where is Ryan now.

Major Dick: "Somewhere in the Caribbean at last report."

General Preibus: "Who do we got in the Caymans?"

Don't worry General - I'll Get to Ryan before
they are released.

Major Dick: "Captain Romney, Sir."

General Preibus: "That bastards always hiding in the Caymans. Get me him on the horn - Stat!"

The call goes through and Captain Romney is ready and willing to take on the mission.

Major Romney is the perfect man for the job as he had spent the last two years covertly training in the art of tax suppression having had only released a partial return of his taxes. He was the man to make sure that Ryan remained private.

In this scene, Romney successfully storms the Beach of Abnormacly despite the launching of F-Bombs (as in - Release your Fucking Taxes) by the enemy army.

There are several other brutally honest attacks as Romney makes his way though enemy lines. He is able to survive by taking shelter in the Fox News holes that permeated the battleground. An exhausted Romney reaches Ryan just in time as he was ready to release the 10 years of tax returns to the general public.

Major Romney: "I've reached Ryan - over.

General Preibus:"What's your position - over."

Major Romney: "My position is that despite the fact that I will be personally introducing tax laws, the the American public has no right to see mine or Ryan's tax returns to see if we would benefit from such laws - over."

General Preibus: "Great job Major - over."

Major Romney: "1040 and out."

The film ends in a very poignant moment between Romney and Ryan as they both realized how close they had actually come to releasing consequential information on their taxes.

I know that I wept. I think most of America cried as well. Ryan, was saved and could remain for ever after - private.

Chick Filled with Gays

2012-08-01T18:54:00.001-07:00

Recently, Dan Cathy, billionaire owner of the Chick fil-A fast food restaurant chain caused a national aneurysm with this statement last week:

"I think we are inviting God's judgement on our nation when we shake our fist at him and say we know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage."

Brave words indeed from a man named Cathy and - would you like ketchup with your lies?

Anyway......

At first, reasonable protests were launched and voices were raised on both sides of the debate. Unfortunately, two of my democratic buds decided to step in it. Boston, Mayor Thomas Menino and Chicago Mayor, Rahm Emanuel promised to ban the construction of planned Chick-fil-A restaurants. Rahm was especially
vehement.

Mayor McManuel

Chick fil A' values are not Chicago's values and if you are going to be part of the Chicago community, you should reflect Chicago's values.

And, that's pretty much when the chicken shit hit the fan.

First, before we get to the specifics of the Chick-fil A case, a note to my dear friend Rahm. What in the hell were you thinking?? You, as his Chief of Staff for two years knows better than anyone that, until very recently, President Obama was against gay marriage (remember - he just got done evolving). I have no idea whether or not Barrack cared for Chick-fil-A or not, but I am pretty sure the dude lived in Chicago and I am confidant he had values.

When I eat chicken - I prefer
the right wings.

Back to the future - so what did these two idiot Mayors do? Essentially, they moved the argument from basic civil rights for gay folks to a battle over freedom of speech rights for all folks. As a result, we get to enjoy Mike Huckabee's sponsored Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day (arrrrrrghhh!!!!!). And - rather than focusing on the issue of gay marriage - the focus becomes left wing liberals such as myself trampling on people's First Amendment rights. Thanks Mayor Menino and Emanuel - you somehow managed to put me on the same side of the fence with Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachman and Rick Santorum - NOICE!!!!!!!

And I know what my gay friends are thinking. Basically, it's - hey you wouldn't get away with that chicken shit with any other group. For instance, if Dan Cathy had said this instead:

"I think we are inviting God's judgement on our nation when we shake our fist at him and say we know that the Jews didn't kill Christ."

And the gays would be right. Had Mr. Cathy said this, all politicians and pundits from both sides of the aisle would be condemning Chick-fil-A and any one who patronized the establishment. And, it would be an easy thing to do because no one in their right mind would eat there anymore - WTF?

Mel - GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE! Jesus! - do ever want your career back!!??

Moving on.

Yes my, I believe that Mr. Cathy should cluck off. I believe in gay marriage rights and will do my best to support the cause. But, when we start banning the expression of speech - that's a bridge too far.

So, what to do? I am not a political organizer or even organized for that matter, but I think the best strategy for gay advocates is to:

Continue the fight - exercise your own First Amendment rights by organizing protests outside those Chick-fil-A outlets that will be eventually opened in Chicago and Boston. However, make it abundantly clear that you recognize the right of Chick-fil-A to conduct business.
Boycott Chick fil-A restaurants year round, except for:
National Gay Pride Parade Day. On that day, Chick-fil A restaurants should be the de facto gay pride parade headquarters and every gay man and woman should eat at their local Chick-fil A restaurant to enjoy a sandwich and plan that day's parade activities. Parade costumes are strongly encouraged. Oh, and you may even want to invite a Chick-fil -A representative to the parade.

Look who's marching in the Gay Rights Parade - Holy Cows.

On Wounded Romney - Part II

2012-07-27T16:32:00.000-07:00

Well, Mitt has spent his first week overseas as a Presidential candidate. Immediately, he has managed to piss off the Prime Minister and the Mayor of London due to some rather snarky comments related to their preparation (or lack thereof) for the Olympic games. Good going Mitt.

Next Stop - China.

Joe not Paternal

2012-07-18T09:25:00.000-07:00

Sadly, Paterno was not paternal. The report commissioned by the Penn State Board of Trustees and authored by Louis Freeh, former FBI Director is damning to say the least. Among other wretched things the report concludes that Joe Paterno, along with other university officials, were aware of Jerry Sandusky's pedophile activities in both 1998 and 2001 and did little to stop the predator. Scores of children were molested or raped by Sandusky prior to his arrest in 2011.

Comically, the debate now centers around whether the statue honoring Joe Paterno that stands outside Penn State's stadium should come down. Of course it should. If for some reason it cannot be toppled, I have some suggested alterations.....

Here they are:

Of course, the proper course of action is to remove Joe. But leave the football players as is. They are victims of this tragedy as well.

Maybe one day when a father takes his boy to Penn State game he can tell his son who the players in the statue were following - and why we follow him no longer.

Voter IDology

2012-07-11T09:35:00.000-07:00

Right in the Gonads!
That's going to leave a mark!

Readers of this blog know that I am a certifiable lefty. Sadly, today I become a traitor to the party.

That's right, I have a confession to make. I believe that you ought to provide some form of identification in order to vote.

I know that I must be willing to pay the consequences for this point of view, so if you are going to kick me in the testicles for betraying the party line, at least have the decency to kick me in the right one (i.e., I still want to be seen as a lefty nut job).

Whoa there little fella - I think
You're probing a little too deep.

There is much fuss about this issue in the news today as several states are initiating new voting requirements. Much of it is a relatively sinister GOP ploy to suppress voter turnout. Kansas and Alabama now require folks who want to register to provide proof of citizenship as opposed to the customary identification documents like driver licenses and social security cards. Florida and Texas have imposed some ridiculous registration restrictions on the League of Women Voters (along with a slew of new bureaucratic requirements, they ban all registrations not turned in to the State within 48 hours) and Maine has eliminated same day registrations. What these and other registration efforts have in common is that they were passed by GOP dominated State legislatures and the related campaign efforts were funded by the Koch brothers and other dick weeds.

Today, new restrictions imposed by Texas are hitting the federal court. This from CBS News

The Republican-led Texas legislature passed a law last year requiring Texas voters to present a government-issued photo ID at the voting booth. Acceptable forms of ID include a driver's license, a U.S. passport or a concealed-handgun license. Student IDs are not acceptable.

You got to love Texas. A handgun license - no problem. A Student ID card - sorry, you're fucked. That makes sense. Hmmm - could it be that the majority of students vote democratic (naw). Now, I have to admit I am a little disappointed in Texas. Normally, they would have included a death penalty for violating the law. Guess they were feeling compassionate that day.

Anyway, yes my left leaning friends, there are evil plots in place dedicated specifically towards suppressing voter turnout. These efforts should be fought. I'm with you. However, in my opinion, we lose the high ground when we refuse to address even the basic principle of voting integrity. That is this -is the person who casts the vote a legitimate voter? In other words, it is not enough for us to argue that the implementation of basic identification requirements could result in some folks not voting and - therefore - screw the integrity of the process.

Now, before you start yelling that identification requirements are unfair, remember this - you have to have some documentation of who you are to register to vote in the first place. I'll prove it. Here is my application for registration in California. Although I didn't meet all of the the minimum requirements, I came close.

Okay, 4 out of 5 is not bad and good enough to move on to the next step. Let's see what information they require in order to process my registration:

Name: Okay, that's easy, but is seems a little personal. I'll go with Rush Limbug for now.
Address: Not crazy about giving out my home address. I'll give them my web address. www.wordsofhizdumb.com

Date of Birth: Wow, this is getting really intrusive. I'll go with Christmas 1957 (my Mom always said that I was a gift from God).
Telephone Number: This is an optional field in case they need additional information. I'll go with 4-1-1.

ID Number: What the fuck? An ID? This is what the form said:

Federal law requires that states collect from each registrant an identification number. You must refer to your state's specific instructions for item 6 regarding information on what number is acceptable for your state. If you have neither a drivers license nor a social security number, please indicate this on the form and a number will be assigned to you by your state.

California, like all States, enforces this requirement.

So basically, a driver license or social security number or, conversely a number assigned to me by the State is required for registration. A very long winded way of saying, if an identification process is required to register to vote in the first place, why is every one up in arms about having one to actually cast a vote? Speaking of arms, my fellow lefties argue that voting is not a privilege, it is a right and ergo, photo IDs should not be required. Well, It is also a fundamental right for me to bear arms. However, you have to have a photo ID to get a gun permit. Would my fellow democrats line up with the NRA and argue that we ought to invalidate this requirement because it may disenfranchise would be gun owners who don't happen to have an ID? I don't think so.

Keep in mind how the voting process works. Each precinct has a list of every voter in the precinct along with the voter's name and their party affiliation. When a person comes in to vote, the poll worker looks up their name on that list and, if it is there, has the voter sign the list right next to their name. This is an important process to ensure that the voter is voting in the right precinct and is not voting twice. Pretty straight forward shit. So, would it really be so God awful to have some process in place that gives some assurance that the person who comes in too vote is actually the person on the list? A lots of photo IDs are available, including:

Driver license
State issued ID card
Passport
Student ID card.

What you typically here is that voter ID requirements disproportionately impact low income, minority and elderly voters. As an example, the 2001 Federal Commission on election reform found that 6 -to10 percent of voting age Americans do not possess a driver license of any other form of photo ID. I don't buy the number for a minute given the long list of things you need an ID for just to survive, but just for shits and giggles let's assume the report is accurate. There still are many ways one can establish that they are the in fact the registered voter.

Utility or other bills sent to your address.
Your State issued voter pamphlet (it has you name and address on it and is sent to every registered voter).
Your Social Security Pay Stub
A million other fucking things with your name and address on it.

In other words, an identification process does not necessarily have to include a photo. Just something that substantiates your address (and remember - if you are not at that address, your voting in the wrong precinct anyway). And this should be relatively easy to do.

I'm sorry - we were looking for P-O-L-L workers,
not P-O-L-E workers. And it's an "election" not
an erection.

I used to work elections. There are sensible, non-onerous things that could be done to verify the identity of the voter. The voter on the left indicated that her name was Candy Cane. She wasn't carrying an ID card but did have a tramp stamp tattoo bearing her name. Good enough for me.

Now, I have no empathy for those who insist on photo ID and even less for specific forms of photo ID as I can't believe that folks go through the level of effort implied here to commit voter fraud. Yeah - Santos moved into the house and fictitiously paid the utility bill so that he could commit voter fraud - that'll happen. Bertha stole Gertrude's social security pay stub so that she could cast Gertrude's vote - I don't think so.

More importantly, if indeed a large number of low-income, elderly and/or minority citizens have no ID, us lefties need to help them. There is very long list of things that folks need to have an ID for.

You need one to open a bank account, apply for a loan, cash a check, buy spray paint, fill a prescription, get certain over the counter medications, buy cigarettes or alcohol, return an item to a retailer, get a job, rent an apartment, buy, drive or register a car, get on a plane, get into many secured office buildings, etc - friggin - etc. So, if it is true that there are large number of folks without IDs and it is pretty much indisputable that a photo ID is a a prerequisite for many of life's endeavors - well, damn it - then we lefties ought to be spending our time on ID drives rather than on trying to convince folks you ought to let people vote without one.

Registering to vote ought to be as easy as possible and us Dems ought to fight tooth and nail all of the plots to make this process more difficult. However, in my humble (?) opinion, we lose the high ground on the issue when we demand that they're ought to be no concern about the integrity of the actual voting process. It makes us look disingenuous. Rather than countering with no ID should be required, we should counter with - yes, we concur that ID ought to be verified to vote - here's a long list of things other than a photo ID you can use to accomplish that objective. I of course will continue to fight for the inclusion of tramp stamps in that list. But that's just my own personal Voter IDology.

ALPHA MAIL

2012-07-02T08:41:00.003-07:00

Well Played Donald

Well, it seems that Blogger sucks just a little bit and the function that used to notify you of posts updates by mail broke.

I could only find one fix - I had to reload it. Sadly, you may have been an innocent bystander. Specifically, the update wiped out all the existing mail contacts.

Sooooo - if you want to continue to get post updates via email you need to click the FOLLOW BY EMAIL button and re-enter your address. Sorry for the inconvenience. I'm guessing give my harassment of him, somehow Donald Trump is responsible.

An Inconvenient Tooth

2012-06-26T18:44:00.002-07:00

I'm not opening my foking mouth!

Okay - I have a toothache which basically means it is time for my once a decade trip to the dentist. As a note, I view dental treatment as a pain management only exercise and for all of you people with perfectly straight, glossy white shiny teeth that are thinking - dude - you gotta take care of your teeth through a regular maintenance program - piss off!

So, there are basically three reasons I don't visit a dentist on a regular basis. (1) My teeth are basically a train wreck anyway, (2) I'm married and so I'm getting the something-something regardless, and (3) I am a gigantic pussy. Yes, I am a dental mental patient. But, when that pain starts....

So, I convinced myself that any responsible, reasonable adult would incorporate a sound regimen of dental care into their general health management program. The point being, regardless of whether I just happen to be experiencing a little discomfort right now, regular dental visists are just - well - commom sense. I went to bed happy with my new found maturity looking forward to sound nights' sleep. Then the nightmare re-appeared (hit PLAY).

Damn - back to scratch.

Let's start with how unrelentingly stupid teeth are - well at least the design of teeth. I believe that the fact that the nerves in my teeth are more sensitive than the ones in my penis is the primary reason that I am an athiest. Intelligient design - I don't fucking think so. Bare with me for a moment.

Me do root canal

What sense does it make to put the most senistive nerves in you body buried within something that really only needs to perform the function of a rock - that is to smash and cut food. There is no bilogical need for them to be so sensitive to pain. Remember, there weren't a whole lot of dentists roaming the planet in mans' early days and there were none of the dental accouterments (e.g., toothpaste, brushes, floss, etc) to keep teeth from decaying . So you want me to believe that a loving God would place one of the bodies mist acute pain centers just below the most needed yet commonly decaying bones in our body? Listen - I would be a devout evangeleical today if the Old Testmanent merely stated:

.....So God created man in his own image. Other than teeth, as they were designed by Satan.

A long winded way of saying that teeth, if intelligiently desigend, would have the nerve sensitivity of hair. Sure, when my hair fell out there was emotional scarring - but no physical pain (assuming you don't count slamming my fist into the wall). You can cut hair and feel nothing - AND - for most folks - it grows right back. That is exactly how teeth should have been designed - no pain and if one falls out - no worries - one will grow back in a couple of weeks.

I know you're thinking - dude, you gigantic puss - just go to the dentist. Well, let's honestly look at what that really entails.

I'm not opening my mouth until
you remove your penis from my lap!

1. Violation of Intimancy

Okay, so some smelly breath old man is going to get right up in my grill and start poking me with a wide variety of painful looking and intrustive dental tools (note to dentist: have you ever thought of making your tools look just a little less intimidating - maybe put little candy cane stripes on them?). I'm a very private person and I just don't like the invasion of space.

All in all, I find the obligatory finger up the ass one must endure at the annual physical far less of a violation of privacy then I do the two hour probing of my oral cavity. In fairness, if I my ass nerve was as pain sensitive as the ones in my teeth - well, let's suffice it to say we would be skipping annual physicals. But remember, I didn't design teeth - Satan did.

2. Shame and Lectures

Now I know that all of you folks with the perfect teeth and excellent dental record will not understand this, but those of us who only go to the dentist for the relief of pain must endure a lecturing and shame process. We know the minute we open our mouths for inspection we are going to hear something along the lines of:

Jesus Christo, Santa Maria - when was the last time you saw a dentist!!??
Oh my God - your mouth makes me want to vomit.
So, you don't take care of your teeth because you are a pussy or are retarded - which one is it?
You have food stuck in your teeth that are older than my children.

Okay, what the dentist will really say is something like, you know, you really ought to have a regular dental maintenance program - but what I will hear is the above. Yes - I will be shamed.

3. The Process

Okay - I know that your tooth really hurts,
but I do need to do 3 hours of cleaning first

It is so hard to get through a dentists' office in a straight line. For me, it ought to be as simple as - my fucking tooth is killing me - pull my fucking tooth. How complicated as that? But no - you have to go through a dental triage process that takes for ever (maybe it doesn't - but if your in pain it seems like forever).
You need to see the assistant first since she can try to squeeze a cleaning out of you, you need X-rays so the dentist can see a future goldmine of dental work and you need a 30 minute lecture on why a $2,000, four day process root canal is needed to save that useless molar stuck in the recesses of your mouth rather than just pulling the offending tooth. Why can't it be like a broken leg? Leg broken - leg mended - you go home.

4. The Cost

That'll be an Arm and a Leg please.

What is it about dental work that makes it so God damn costly? Let's take dental implants as an example. Say you lost your tooth or would like the shitty one removed and a new one put in - the average cost of a that $2,488 (it can be much higher depending on complications). Two and a half grand - really dudes? Basically, all they are doing is drilling a hole in your jaw, putting a screw into your jaw and then screwing a fake tooth on to that. It's less complicated then having a car engine tuned.

What else in my life have I recently paid around $2,500 for?

I had the entire house painted (two story and in need of lots of patching) for $2,350.
I got a 60 inch LCD state of the art television for $2,200.
Entire house carpeted - $1,950.

If your kids need braces (an average cost of $4,397) prepare not to eat out for three years. And it ain't just the cosmetic stuff. The average cost for a root canal and a crown is over $1,100. Just to pull a tooth costs around $500.

So, my money - is it safe?
Once again - IS IT SAFE?

I just got to call bullshit here. There is simply no fucking way that these guys are not getting like a million percent mark-up on their work. I wouldn't normally care, but you all know dental insurance ain't for shit and so in most cases - you are footing most of the bill. How do dentists get away with these high charges. Simple, they are adressing the two most powerfull forces in himan nature - pain and vanity. They use these forces to extract every last dollar from you much like the torture that Dustin Hoffman endured in the Marathon Man.

The next thing I hate about dentists is....Wait a minute - hold the phone. I'll be damned, my tooth ache just went away. Gawd that feels good. Must of just been something stuck in between my teeth (cashew??). Anyway, you know - Dentists probably aren't so bad after all. I think it's time I become a mature adult and start to schedule regular visits to get the dental health treatment most adults require. It's time that I grow up and take responsibility for my teeth. Will I do it?

Naw.

Naw - and that's the Inconvenient Tooth.