We are going through another reorganization at work. My manager got displaced, so the team I’m on is being disbanded. I will find out Friday where I go from here. My job is safe, but my job duties will most probably change and my teammates and I are expecting to be split apart. Maybe it’s because of all the changes at work, but lately I have been dreaming of teaching ballet again. Unfortunately my feet are in terrible shape (arthritis in my big toe, plantar fasciitis, and Achilles tendinitis) and I’m 40 pounds overweight thanks to fibromyalgia and depression.

I just can’t seem to reconcile the longing of my heart with the reality of life as I must live it. I owe it to my children to stay in this well paying job with corporate America so they can live in the nice townhome I had built and have wonderful health insurance. At least in my current job I can be with them in the evenings and the weekends when my husband doesn’t have them. If I were teaching ballet, I’d be teaching after school and into the evenings. It might work if I taught only one evening a week, but even that seems impossible in my present physical condition, and it would mean I’d still be working with corporate America. I’m just not that in love with my job. But my therapist tells me I have to face reality and do what will pay the bills.

Now that my marriage is over I dream about having the life I had back in Kentucky, before he moved all of us out to North Carolina to be near his family. But that life is over, the children are older, and I’m single and in chronic pain…not to mention overweight. I was teaching at several schools, namely one where I was the ballet director, and I had a dancewear store that I ran with my husband and my parents. Life seemed very sweet back then. We were poor, but we were happy.

I realize, too, that I’m more depressed lately. My husband (what do you call the person you are separated from and soon-to-be divorced from?) wants to speed up the divorce proceedings, whereas I was thinking we had until January to deal with it. So I’m facing grief over the loss of my marriage. Even though I don’t want him back, it’s sad to think I’ll have to start new memories with someone else one day; someone who won’t share the memories of my children being born and growing up; someone who hasn’t invested years into loving them.

I’ve contacted my daughter’s psychiatrist to see about getting an appointment with him for myself. I just don’t think the 30 mg of Cymbalta and 150 of Wellbutrin is cutting it for me now. My pain is not too terrible, but my depression is very bad and I’m walking in a daze wishing to crawl in bed most of the time. My therapist is going to begin HeartMath with me tomorrow. I’ve never experienced that before, so it should be interesting. It is supposed to bring about clarity of thought, so I’m eager to try it. Will keep you posted.

Well, I started June with the goal of walking a total of 50 miles.  Unfortunately I haven’t been able to keep up to such a grand goal, only walking when it’s not too hot and when I wake up early enough to do it before I go to work.  However, my daughter who goes to school in the Czech Republic will be home for the summer next week, and she has agreed to get up early and walk with me everyday.  Maybe July will be the month!

It has been a rough year.  I moved in with my parents in January while my townhouse was being built and moved my daughter to a different school (the one she’d go to when the townhouse was ready anyway).  I did this so she wouldn’t have to change mid-semester and because she was being bullied.  She stayed at my parents’ house with me, so it worked out fine—they are in the same school district as the new school so the bus came to get her everyday.  The townhouse was ready at the end of March and my daughter and son moved in with me.

My daughter continued to suffer from bullying at the new school as well.  I think Facebook has got a lot to do with it.  Her new friends saw what old friends were saying about her, etc.  I’m not positive, but every time she got off Facebook she seemed depressed.  She broke up with her boyfriend at the old school who promptly got himself a new girlfriend.  My daughter’s so beautiful, yet she has such a bad self esteem.  I wish I knew how to help her.  She was hospitalized in May for a suicidal plan we were afraid she would carry out.  We began DBT class together (the kids go to one session and the parents go to another), but I let her miss one week so she could go to Indiana with my parents.  That weekend she was texting me that she wanted to die, that she needed to go back to the hospital, and that she really needed me to come there to pick her up.

I got in the car at midnight with my six year old son and started driving from North Carolina to Indiana.  I made it three hours before I had to crash at a hotel for a few hours, then completed the trip early in the afternoon on Saturday.  We drove back the next day, but she seemed better so I didn’t take her to the hospital right away.  She had therapy on Monday and that helped her, and I knew she had an appointment with her psychiatrist on Thursday.  On Thursday the psychiatrist gave her a psych test and she was only 2 points away from getting the worst possible score.  He and I agreed that I should take her directly to the hospital.  She answered one question with the answer that she’d kill herself if given the chance.

She had lost 3 pounds in 10 days, so they are treating her at the hospital for an eating disorder.  She often throws up, and I was wondering about that possibility, too.  Her therapist had told the doctor that she suspected an early-onset eating disorder.  This week I’ll miss work a couple of mornings to go to family sessions at the hospital.  She seems to be doing better on the new medicine they are giving her, although it makes her tired.  They said that would only last three weeks, and since it’s summer I think it would be a good time to continue with it since it’s helping.  Hopefully my daughter will be home from the hospital by the weekend when my older daughter gets home.

This week my son is going to South Carolina to stay with my mother-in-law (what do you call her if I’m separated from her son?).  It will be strange not having any children at home ALL week.  I finished the afghan I was making my daughter in the hospital so I guess I will need to visit the craft store for some more yarn to start a new project soon.

I’m hoping to begin writing more now, not that things have calmed down any, but because it really helps me to do so.

With three lively children I never thought I’d find myself in a position to be lonely. But yesterday I was very lonely. I stayed busy, but it was quiet in my world…too quiet for comfort, really. I’m not complaining; it’s nice to have some alone time, and if I knew that it wouldn’t happen on a regular basis it might be easier to handle. Although knowing that it will also gives me an opportunity to find things to do that I normally wouldn’t be able to with three kids around.

This week my husband and daughters are on a pilgrimage to the Baha’i temples and holy places in Haifa and Akka, Israel. My son is staying with my mother-in-law a state away until Friday. I went to Walmart on Sunday for my usual weekly shopping, realizing I need not buy things for kids who won’t be there for another week, and filling my cart instead with a few fresh fruits and several frozen dinners. What the heck—I also needed a new pair of sweat pants so I bought those, too. It was weird filling up the cart for myself and no one else. It was lonely, too.

Yesterday was Sunday. After my son was picked up for his week-long trip I took a nap. Then I went to Walmart and came back home to unload. It was only 3:00 and I had all my weekend duties finished (shopping, cleaning, laundry, the usual stuff), so I called my sister and we decided to go swimming together. That lasted about 45 minutes and I was back home by 4:30. I did a few crosswords (I can only do the easy ones) and tried to nap again to no avail. I changed a light bulb in the kitchen and decided to move the small TV and stand to the front living room, where I’d noticed cable outlets behind the couch. They must be data outlets because the TV didn’t work there. I ate my frozen dinner and talked to my cat, who decided to go outside to spend the whole night. I did some more crosswords, paid some bills online and checked my email and facebook. I walked a mile. Then I decided to pick out my clothes for work since I’ll be going in everyday now instead of working from home three days a week. I ended up ironing about five blouses so I’ll be set for the whole week.

My job is changing this week. My psychiatrist thinks I’m being beaten down in a toxic, insidious way by someone at work. I could hardly explain my unhappiness to my boss, but I tried, and she gave me a couple of different options to make a change in who I report to. I chose the one where I’ll be helping her out directly, kind of like an assistant. What kind of boss does that, anyway? My psychiatrist said that she must love me…I can’t really imagine why, but in my state of mind I hardly love myself anymore, which makes it even more difficult to comprehend. My friend at work said not to question it. Just take the good fortune and be grateful. So the only drawback was that my boss thought I’d do better if I came into the office everyday instead of working from home some days. If my mood improves and I get in a good routine with whatever she has me start doing, I’m sure she’ll let me go back to that one day.

The doctor said that I seemed far away. I told her that I feel like I’m in this body, walking around, going here to get this or that, coming home, but not really feeling like I’m present. It’s that fogginess thing people with Fibromyalgia can relate to well. She said she felt like I needed a jolt of electricity, but she wasn’t prescribing that…thank goodness! She put me on Wellbutrin in addition to Cymbalta and Abilify. She said that would hit all the neurotransmitters and hopefully pull me out of my funk. She also mentioned that going back on short term disability could be an option if it doesn’t. I hope it works because I need my income in order to keep my house. Anyway, I won’t be lonely too much longer. The kids come home on Friday and I’ll have them for a week before my husband has them again for his week. Loneliness will be banished then.

It has been a long time since I last posted on this blog, but there’s a really good reason for that.  I started back to work and my husband and I separated.  Yeah, life has been really rough the last couple of months.  My husband moved out at the end of April and now has a townhouse in a neighboring city not too far from me.  Then on May 19 I started back at work!  Work has been nice.  I didn’t think I’d be happy going back, but I really do enjoy working.  It as made me realize that the job wasn’t sucking the life out of me, my depression was.  Now that my meds are under control the job is bearable and usually kind of fun and interesting.

My daughter was in the hospital again in May when her meds caused her to start wanting to hurt other people, and now she’s doing very well on her combination of medicines.  She made it through the end of ninth grade with 2 Bs, 2 Cs, and one F (in Phys Ed).  We’re going to contest that grade because she did online work that was supposed to bring it up, but apparently didn’t.

Now that school is out and my husband has a large enough place of his own, the kids are spending alternating weeks with us, beginning on Sunday nights after dinner.  This has been his first full week having them and it feels like an eternity.  I miss them so much!  They spend the days at my parents’ house, so I did go for lunch over there one day when I was working from home, and it was a little slice of heaven.  They are great kids.  Maybe this will help us truly appreciate each of them a little more.

I’m so looking forward to Sunday evening when they come back into my life, littering the house with toys and guitars, and filling it with friends, laughter, and music…oh, and those words, “What is there to eat?” 

The interesting part in all of this is that I don’t miss my husband that much, not yet anyway.  I miss having him mow the lawn and cook out on the grill, but I’ve learned to do the first on my own and will soon learn the grill as well.  But I don’t miss the arguing, the giving in all the time, and the little frustrations that peppered my life with him.  I’m enjoying rearranging the furniture, painting my office, and doing little things to make it feel more like my home.  It always seemed weird not to feel at home in my own home, you know?  And I’ve grown very close to my cat this week while the kids have been gone.  She’s a good companion, and I think she likes me, too.

Well, my disability didn’t get approved for an extension beyond May 18, so I’m heading back on the 19th (Wednesday of this week!).  I’m excited but nervous about it.  My daughter was just released from the hospital today but has to go as outpatient from 8-4 the rest of the week and possibly some of next week.  I’ll be getting a lot of help from my parents and my sister, so that will help a lot.

Wish me luck!

Wow, lots has happened since last month when I wrote.  My husband moved out, my extension from work went through until tomorrow, and I find out today if it gets extended again to June or July, and my daughter is back in the hospital.  Unfortunately she didn’t respond well to the Prozac so she was prescribed Paxil, which led her to hear a voice telling her to hurt other people (especially her little 5 year old brother).  I took her to therapy on Wednesday this week and after a few minutes the therapist called me in to have my daughter tell me what she’d been hearing and seeing in her mind.  The therapist recommended we go to the hospital for an assessment, which we did, and which led to her being admitted again.

At visiting time last night the psychiatrist pulled us into her office and gave us the rundown on what medications Deanna might try next.  We’re going to go with a combination of Wellbutrin and Abilify and see if that helps.  Until the voice stops being so insistent, they want to keep her at the hospital.  Otherwise, she may get to go there as a partial or outpatient person, showing up everyday during the week from 8-4 and on weekends 9-1.  She’d really prefer that, but we will do what the hospital recommends in any case.

Today I have a meeting with Deanna and a counselor for some family therapy.  Her homebound situation with school has been working out remarkably well and her grades have improved.  It really has been a joy to spend so much time with her, as I haven’t let her out of my sight for very long periods of time.  We even published her many poems in a book of poetry through Lulu.com! 

So, I’m adjusting to life as a single mother, although my husband calls me several times a day and insists on showing up whenever he likes.  We have family therapy twice a month with the same therapist Deanna sees weekly, and next week it will just be my husband and me so we can discuss such boundary issues.

My older daughter has been in the adolescent behavioral health program at a hospital for the last week after taking a bunch of pills some boy on the bus gave her.  She’s a 9th grader.  We’ve since learned that part of the reason she’s been getting D’s and F’s in her classes the past quarter is because she’s been skipping classes.  She said since she got her hair cut short people are calling her a dyke.  How can kids be so cruel?  She also mentioned that her parents may be getting a divorce.  Did she think this would help that situation?  People have told me that kids somehow unconsciously do drastic things to become a problem, so parents will have to come together to deal with it instead of worrying about their marriage.  Interesting.

The psychiatrist at the hospital agreed that home schooling for the last remaining weeks of the school year would be preferable.  I’m supposed to return to work on Monday!  I emailed my manager in desperation, asking her to please consider letting me return part time.  She responded that she’d have to think about how that might work, and said she’d get back to me in a couple of days.  I see my psychiatrist today and need to let her know whether I want to pursue long term disability or not.  I also asked my manager to let me work strange hours if part time was not an option (7am-12pm and 5-8pm), but I’m not at all sure I’d be able to keep that up along with home schooling, especially with all the sleep I’ve been requiring lately.  Maybe if I’m just so busy sleep won’t enter my mind…we could hope.

I’m very worried about my daughter.  She’s taking a small dose of prozac for now, and will begin therapy once weekly.  In addition to keeping her home I will have to figure out ways to keep her happy without letting her roam the neighborhood (the boy who gave her pills lives in our neighborhood).  My husband is already pursuing the boy by going through the school principal who will then get their security officer to follow up on it.  My neighbors have a farm with horses that they said my kids are more than welcome to visit.  Once we know where it is, they said we can even go there on our own whenever we’d like.  She can groom the horses, feed them, ride them, etc.  She loves being outdoors, so I think this could be a life saver for us.

The school will send a tutor once a week with all of her assignments for the week.  Hopefully we will be able to get her through the end of the year and help her get her grades back up.  The school has been very helpful.  My son was sick yesterday, throwing up all day, it just makes me wonder how on earth I’ll be able to handle such situations if I’m also trying to work, but we are reliant on my health insurance.  Please pray that either the part time or the long term disability comes through for me!

I’m down to less than two weeks before returning to work.  It’s definitely a little scary, but in a way I’m also excited to see my coworkers and see if I can successfully get back into the swing of working.  This week I’m home with all my kids who are on spring break, and it’s giving me a glimpse of what summer vacation would be like if I weren’t working.  My son actually tires me out more than I think my job will, although the stress there is on a different level.

The good thing is that my sister and parents are going to help us out by picking him up and taking him to preschool (until it’s over when school ends June 10), picking him up from there, and watching him the rest of the afternoon.  After June 10 they can keep him all day.  My mom and sister both teach piano, and he shows some promise in that area, so I’m hoping they will spend a little time working with him on that.  Since I’ll be working I’ll be able to pay them a little bit to help out, and that will in turn help them out!

Another possibility I’ve been exploring is getting someone to come in and clean the house every other week.  I think that would take a load off of me, and I really hate it when the house isn’t clean.  I wind up spending a lot of my energy outside of work cleaning just so I can stand it.  My daughters really also need to take up some of the slack; they are 15 and almost 13 now—certainly old enough to lend a hand with chores.  It’s just such a challenge to make them see that their help is expected and required, when up to this point they have gotten away with doing very little.  Maybe these new chores could somehow be tied to their allowance, although I truly believe they need to be doing things just because they are part of this household, too.

I see my family doctor this Thursday and my psychiatrist on Tuesday of next week.  I will need to have both of them send in documentation stating I’m ready to return to work on the 19th. Wish me luck.

Well, my disability was approved through April 13th, at which point my doctors will be contacted once again to see if they feel I’m ready to begin working again on April 19th.  I’m just not sure I want to go back!  I could see about going into long term disability (I think I’m eligible for 25 weeks at 65% pay), or I could just go back to work.  I emailed my manager and she said that if I go back on the 19th we’d discuss ways to make my job less stressful.  So that’s a definite plus.

There are things I miss about working, but I’m not passionate about my job.  I guess I need to spend some time really thinking it over and talking to my husband about it as well.  I’m pretty sure he will encourage me to go back, although the family in general runs better when I’m at home and able to focus on their needs most of the time.  Sometimes I feel l had more time to myself when I was working, and I miss that.

So, weighing the pros and cons of going back to work is my primary concern these days.  On April 12th we will also find out if my husband gets accepted into the Foreign Service or not.  Lots of changes could be afoot!

My disability was approved up until today, but I can’t go back to work until my doctor sends a letter stating that I’m ready.  My psychiatrist and primary physician have until March 23rd to fax in updated information and recommendations that I stay out until April 19th.  I’m pretty sure that it will be approved as long as it is what they recommend.  So for now, I’m just waiting to find out the verdict.  And I’m not sure if these days are going unpaid or if my manager will let me use more personal days.  If it is approved eventually, I’ll get the personal days back and the leave will be with pay.

I’m really nervous about going back to work.  My husband is a contractor (doing Project Management), so all our health benefits come from my job.  He’s also trying to get into the Foreign Service to work for the State Department, and is on the last leg of acceptance into that.  He has the oral assessment on April 12th.  If he passes, we will move to Washington DC and then to God-knows-where overseas for four years or more.  All of this is adding stress to an already stressful situation!  The only good thing about the Foreign Service is that I wouldn’t have to worry about working.  But other than writing I’m not sure what I’d do, since we’d likely have a maid and a cook wherever we end up going.

At least my mood is more stable now, and I go up to 60mg of Cymbalta in a couple of days.  I’m hoping that will really boost me up and I’ll feel like my old self completely then.  If that’s the case then I should be able to handle working, right?  Well, I’m not sure!  My fibromyalgia is still a fairly new condition that I’ve had to begin learning to live with, and even though it’s not nearly as bad as some people’s symptoms it does make it harder for me to do the things that I used to do without much effort.  I think the depression was what really messed me up with my job, and as far as I know things will continue to shift and change at work just like they always do at a big bank.

I’m spending my time doing mom stuff mostly.  But I’m happy to report that I have finally been able to get engaged in some reading again!  I’m reading Jodi Picoult’s My Sister’s Keeper.  Haven’t seen the film yet so it’s all new to me.  I love her books!  I’m also working slowly on a needlepoint project, but I don’t feel up to doing it everyday so it will be awhile before I get it done.  But at least it’s progress!