It's All About the Journey

What Next?

2022-01-20T15:56:00.077-08:00

The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.

William Ross Wallace

The days of winter continue. The holidays are long over and daily life unfolds, one day much like another as the hours pass and the snow continues to fall. The beauty outside my window is peaceful and centering. The pine trees stand tall and quiet. I am quite content to stay indoors and admire the landscape. I am in good company with my books and my writing.

Life before the pandemic is a past chapter, a slice of history that affected the world. The pandemic has further exposed a divided nation. I was horrified last year as I watched the mob invade the capital. It was a fluke that I was watching television that morning. The feeling in my gut was like the one I had on 9/11 when the towers in New York were crumbling. Disbelief. Shock. Now voting laws are being manipulated in several states. The laws that restrict women's health choices are also being implemented. This is deeply troubling and I fear a slippery slope towards the demise of democracy as we know it.

What are we creating for our grandchildren and great-grandchildren? Will my granddaughters have the same choices I did? That remains to be seen, and it's beginning to feel dystopian.

Mary Magdalen • JESUS THE SON OF MAN by Kahlil Gibran

2021-06-24T17:52:00.000-07:00

Solitude

2021-05-07T12:38:00.000-07:00

“The association of loneliness with old age is a common one. The wise crone understands the power that can be attained in solitude. She knows that all-one-ness is the true meaning of being alone, and is actually what the word “alone” is made of. There is a point reached in solitude where we no longer feel isolated because we have found our connection with all beings in the universe. In fact, it can be lonelier among people who do not understand this principle, than off by oneself among the trees and stars. True contact with the self in the deepest sense brings contact with all existence. This can be a wonderous experience, bringing great creativity and insight. The crone teaches us to withdraw from the world to find peace and sustenance for our return journey into the struggles of living.”

From

Ariadne’s Thread

by Shekhinah Mountainwater

Page 95

Gift

2021-02-16T06:27:00.001-08:00

"A gift comes to you through no action of your own, free, having moved toward you without your beckoning. It is not a reward; you cannot earn it. And yet it appears. Your only role is to be open-eyed and present."

from Braiding Sweetgrass by by Robin Wall Kimerer

The Crossroad

2020-08-18T15:40:00.000-07:00

Today is my 71st birthday. Many are the memories and I have a rich life, abundant in the blessing of my family and close friends. These are the treasures of my heart that I embrace in these times of trouble in our country and on our planet, Mother Earth. I believe what we as a nation are experiencing right now is the fight for our constitution, our democracy, and the life of our Mother Earth.

It is disturbing to think my grandchildren may grow up without a democratic system, that they may grow up under a fascist regime. At this point, there are no guarantees of the outcome of the election. I am not a politician or a historian but to me, it is obvious that we are headed down a dangerous path and if things continue as they have been under the authoritarian dictates of the POTUS and his constant negativity, scapegoating and desecration of our constitution we will lose our democracy.

It is disturbing that so many, including people that I have known for many years, continue to support #45. It is disturbing that people bicker and are petty on social media instead of engaging in rational discussions. Such is human nature I suppose.

This is an election like no other in our history. These are unprecidented times. I have read that we are in a battle for the soul of this country, and I believe it is true. I hope and pray that people search their hearts and do the right thing not only for ourselves but for our progeny. It's the least we can do.

Today

2020-07-10T15:17:00.000-07:00

I've watched you now a full half-hour;

Self-poised upon that yellow flower

And, little Butterfly! Indeed

I know not if you sleep or feed.

How motionless! - not frozen seas

More motionless! and then

What joy awaits you, when the breeze

Hath found you out among the trees,

And calls you forth again!

~William Wordsworth, "To a Butterfly"

2020-06-13T23:38:00.000-07:00

Things I have learned in life:

Know when to speak and when to keep silent.
To acknowledge the things I can change and the things I can't, praying for the wisdom to know the difference.
To keep an open mind. Be willing to walk in another's shoes.

A Moment of Meditation

2020-04-24T07:02:00.004-07:00

I found a quiet spot to sit among the trees. As the sun warmed my face, I closed my eyes and listened to the gentle wind singing through the pines. At one point clouds made shadows and brought a light, brief sprinkle, washing the air with the sweet freshness that follows rain. The pungent smell of the pine needles reminded me how much I love the landscape here.

With all that is happening in the world at large, I am blessed to be sheltering in place in these peaceful surroundings.

February 2020. Mud, Snow and Ice

2020-02-04T12:53:00.001-08:00

A Quote about Winter

There is a privacy about it which no other season gives you.... In spring, summer and fall people sort of have an open season on each other; only in the winter, in the country, can you have longer, quiet stretches when you can savor belonging to yourself.

~Ruth Stout

I prefer to stay home and off the roads during the winter and only go out when necessary for supplies or an appointment. I am fortunate to have family and friends close by that I rely on for help with transportation. I am mostly content to say home, cozy by the fire in long, quiet stretches with time to reflect, to heal, to dream of the future and be thankful for all that I have been given. The stillness of these close, cocoon-like days is comforting, like being wrapped in one of my mother's quilts. I do yearn for spring at times but the groundhog saw its shadow this month and, indeed my local weather forecast says more snow is on the way so I settle in again.

One day last week the temperature went up to 50 during the day. I was taking a walk with my granddaughters and as we were out, a fresh wind came up. It seemed the season was changing and transforming right before my eyes. The local roads and driveways were filled with big puddles and deep ruts and most of the snow had melted. Spring thaw, I thought, but then the temperature dropped back down to freezing that night so that was that, and it has been cold ever since, cold and still.

Deer Watching

2019-12-12T16:35:00.002-08:00

I love being close to nature and observing wildlife. I have lived in several rural settings during my lifetime and I have enjoyed the peace that a country setting provides. When I was a child, our family spent many summers camping. One year we went up into Canada and the beauty of the Canadian Rockies touched me in a way I have never forgotten.

Nature walks with my grandchildren are a joy. Children are very observant and have so many questions about the different foliage, the creepy crawlers, the elusive butterflies, or the wild turkeys that were so abundant up here this year. I think the kids learn to pay attention to their surroundings on these walks and to respect this wonderful Mother Earth that we walk upon.

Once upon I time I lived up in Bellingham, WA which wasn't rural but our backyard was a wildlife preserve. It was fun to watch the different creatures; the birds, the chipmunks, the raccoons, and the most friendly, the deer. They wandered through the yard and the neighborhood, quite at home.

Momma and her baby

This guy showed up on the day we got the keys to the house.

Pretty as a picture

Close up of the stag. It was hard to snap the picture quickly and do it well.

Just another day

Look who's eating the bird food!

I've done some research on the spiritual aspects of these gentle creatures. There is a lot of information to glean. Below is only one source.

https://www.spirit-animals.com/deer-symbolism/

The Benefits of Growing Older

2019-12-06T14:46:00.000-08:00

The practical days have departed

with their structure, their plans,

the how to and supposed to be;

Such ideas are no longer a part of my reality;

Having learned that these are pure vanity

and egocentric wanderings

of eager, misguided egocentricity.

I choose instead to embrace spontaneity,

say what I think honestly

but if the hooey hits the fan,

well that’s just part of the fun.

Do you mind?

Musing on an Autumn Day

2019-10-16T15:16:00.000-07:00

The transition from fall into winter has always been a reflective and somewhat bittersweet time for me. The weather gets colder, the days shorter, and the nights longer, and I want to hibernate but I'd miss the fall foliage which is quietly breathtaking. I feel blessed that I live so close to nature. I can look out a window at any given moment and see glimpses of the river silently flowing, constant in all seasons, just beyond the pine trees in our valley.

My thoughts turn to my family, my children and grandchildren especially. What a year it has been. I turned 70, my firstborn son turned 50, and my firstborn grandson turned 20. Each of us is beginning a new decade. It doesn't seem that long ago I was a young mother embarking on a new and so very fulfilling and challenging life. Hindsight is now clear and I made some unwise choices but the love I have had for my children was and still is, unwavering. My heart is full.

To all of my children, I pray for your strength and wisdom as you navigate this crazy world; be kind, be forgiving, be true to yourselves, and never give up hope.

Miracle of Grace, a short prose poem

2019-09-16T12:13:00.000-07:00

“A miracle is simply a shift in perception.”

Marianne Williamson

Everyday Grace

I have landed in the center of myself. My soul is like a precious stone cast into a deep pond causing ever-widening ripples of understanding. Does what I perceive mean anything at all? To still the mind, do I wrestle it into submission or gently entreat? Suddenly in a moment my perception shifts and a pearl of peace is felt. It must be treated gently, not clutched it tightly, but held lightly, for it is the miracle of grace.

The pond freezes in winter. Then what? There is no motion in the water. It is white, still, suspended, timeless. No reflection, just acceptance for what is as Mother Nature wields the silent power of snow, ice, and utmost stillness. This, too, is grace.

From the Corner of Alder and Bridge Streets

2019-05-02T14:11:00.002-07:00

It stands on the corner where Alder and Bridge Streets intersect; the house where I spent my teenage years and from which I left when I became of age. A solid structure, it is an old building rich with history. Two generations of our family have lived there.

It was our beloved home, not only where our parents raised us but also where grandchildren and great-grandchildren laughed and played within its walls. It was here that Mom took care of Dad when he began to fail during the last few years of his life. This is the house that my siblings and I packed up when our mother moved because she couldn’t live alone anymore. It is this house, and the life it represented that my mother longs for.

It is more than the house, or the town that she desires, It is the presence of Dad, who passed in 2011 and the wholeness of her mind and heart that dementia is stealing from her. Dementia is stealing our mother, slowly and surely.

We take comfort that Mom is now in a safe, clean place and being cared for. It hasn’t been perfect, but it’s what we’ve got to work with. There are some things in life that cannot be controlled, things that are hard to accept but accept we must and do the best we can each day. My siblings have done an amazing job handling the many details of Mom’s medical and financial situation. Mom has a network of good friends that have been closely supportive for many years. This it the nature of a small town. People care for one another.

The sad part is that Mom does not realize how much she is loved. I know she appreciates and loves her family and friends but she has been so sad since Dad died and hasn’t really been able to move on. She still has her sense of humor at times, and her easy-going personality is what I love the most. She has always had a hard time asking for help and I know she feels helpless right now. She is in a place that is not “home” and has lost control over aspects of her life. She has lashed out in anger and frustration, unable to escape the prison of thoughts in her mind; the forgetfulness, the anxiety and confusion.

I miss the house at the corner of Alder and Bridge. I miss the peaceful afternoons there with Mom when I would visit her. I miss our walks around the neighborhood on those beautiful summer evenings and sitting out on the front porch playing a game of Scrabble and sharing a cold beer. I suppose in a way I am grieving.

The house at the corner of Alder and Bridge has new life in it now; extended family (children of a cousin and their little boy). I am happy for that. I believe they are continuing the tradition of care and love of our family. There is much to be thankful for on this part of life’s journey.

Meeting on Holy Ground

2019-04-11T13:18:00.001-07:00

“The place where people meet to seek the highest is holy ground.”

This morning as I was sorting through some papers I found this line from the movie The Scent of a Woman. Curious, I did some research to find the origin:

https://aeu.org/

I found this quite inspiring. From my perspective, anything we can do as human beings to further harmony, unification, and kindness is vital to our existence. So often we focus on the differences and the things that divide us rather than the attributes we have in common no matter where we live on this planet or what culture and ethnicity we are.

These ideas of peace and harmony are nothing new but I like to be reminded and these days I don’t mind being reminded often, and in fact, I seek positivity (not always successfully) each morning when I start the day.

As I write this the song of John Lennon comes to mind:

Read “Imagine” by John Lennon on Genius

Women Enduring our World

2019-04-01T18:37:00.000-07:00

There is power in the collective we. My individual experience is only one of the thousands of experiences with similar themes; stories of trauma and abuse and manipulation, often by those we trusted and believed, both individually and collectively. When I reached the point of “enough is enough”, I stood up for myself. We as a group can stand up for ourselves as one because we are empowered women and we have come too far to go back now.

It is daunting, discouraging, and frightening to witness what has been unleashed in our world today since the last election especially. Human rights are being stripped away, greedy corporations fund war instead of decent health care and education, Mother Earth is suffering. History tells us how countries have been overtaken by tyrants and dictators. Is it happening here? I feel we are on the brink, but I also have hope.

We can’t give in to fear, and if we are angry, we should be but I'd like to channel that anger in constructive ways and be good examples of kind and courageous people.

Everyone Has an Opinion and This is Mine

2018-10-07T15:36:00.001-07:00

I am a grandmother. I marched against the Viet Nam War, I was part of the counterculture and believed in peace and love and the oneness of humankind. I still do. I am conscious of what I read and watch as far as the media goes. I am aware the media is used to control and brainwash and separate. I also see there are sources that are intelligent and educational as well. With what is going on now we have a huge undertaking. Voting is the very least we can do but we MUST vote.

Right after the last presidential election, I expressed my dismay at the outcome to one of my acquaintances on social media. This person asked me why I was so upset. I couldn’t even respond at first. Clearly, this person had a different perspective and that’s OK. It’s still hard for me to comprehend because, in my mind, this goes beyond the party lines of politics. It is a moral issue or the lack of it in this case of the POTUS.

I have been on this planet long enough to recognize toxic behavior. The man’s attitude towards women, people of color, gays, and the handicapped; or anyone who dares oppose him is so blatant and cruel. There are those who seem to accept or ignore these behaviors even among those that claim to be Christian. I don’t get it.

I don’t claim to be an expert but this president's policies on the environment, on immigration, and his friendships with the dictators of Russia and South Korea are alarming, are they not? This is my opinion for what it’s worth.

I am learning not to engage in debate, at least not heated ones because I don’t think it is fruitful. I don’t mind a peaceful, intelligent exchange of ideas but try as I might I still don’t understand those that support this noxious behavior from a man who holds this powerful position in our country.

A Feminine Perspective

2018-10-02T20:51:00.000-07:00

Something remarkable has happened. Two women I know have each published a memoir. One woman is near my oldest daughter’s age and the other, like myself is a grandmother. As any writer knows, writing is hard work, to say the least, a memoir especially. In my opinion, these memoirs are groundbreaking because until now the writings about the Love Family have been written by observers , journalists, and historians, not by people who dedicated years to living beliefs and ideals that were initially presented.

I believe in the power of story. It is so important right now, especially for women. Too long those of us who have been subject to emotional and physical trauma or manipulation have kept silent. People have asked me over the years (in reference to both my abusive husband and the Love Family) “Why didn’t you just leave?” I was married to an abusive man for several years before I ran in fear and the memory of that particular night is etched into my mind and has changed my life forever. I spent most of my adult life in the Love Family even after I recognized the financial and social discrepancies, the manipulation, and the patriarchy. Why I stayed and hesitated to express myself until years later is a complicated issue. Those who have not walked in those shoes may never understand.

The memoirs of my friends describe the journeys that led them to the Family and the lives that ensued. There is a common thread that weaves those of us who lived together during those years. There are also as many variations of stories and experiences as there were people. A person’s truth is a person’s truth.

From my perspective women in the Family were not valued and respected, simply put. Or maybe we were just overshadowed by the rule of serving the whole first, core families second. Certainly, we were not encouraged to speak out. It was more important not to make waves or ask questions. As ideal as it seemed in the beginning, the Family morphed into a microcosm of the world at large with the same problems. I did not live in fear there but as a woman, I felt repressed and manipulated as the years passed.

There are those who had a different experience. Some aspects of a big family were positive and I am a better person with a wealth of experience. I gleaned some lasting friends and the children that we raised together have bonds to this day. I learned a lot about my self and about human nature. I have to believe that we did change the world for the better for a time.

Below are links to the memoirs:

http://www.lulu.com/shop/understanding-israel/a-husband-and-three-lovers/paperback/product-21868699.html

https://www.amazon.com/Counterculture-Crossover-Growing-Love-Family/dp/1732240019/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

2018-09-27T12:36:00.001-07:00

This morning I watched a brief segment of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford's testimony, gripped by memories of my experiences in a courtroom on the witness stand. My circumstances were different and not on a large scale like hers is, certainly but I know how hard it is to bring to light a very personal trauma and expose wrongdoers. She is a brave woman and what she is doing is SO important. She represents so many women and the fact she is standing up before the highest powers in this country has been a long time coming, in my humble opinion.

Many years ago back in the mid 70’s, I was in the courtroom fighting for custody of my children. I was in my mid 20’s, newly pregnant with my third child; intimidated, unable to speak up and expose the domestic violence that was my world as a young wife and mother. I, like so many women and mothers, not only get victimized by their spouses/boyfriends but also the court system and the culture that blames the victims and excuses the perpetrators.

It is my hope that this can change, and I am encouraged that there are more women engaged in making changes in our culture and our government. It is vital, demonstrated by this case in particular; the potential placing of a judge in the Supreme Court that could cause women to lose the freedom to make their own choices. If this happens we will lose our culture as we know it.

2018-08-21T22:38:00.002-07:00

Stars in My Hair

I stand here bathed in moonlight

the stars are in my hair

Fairies sing at midnight

in the softly ringing air.

Moonful, mournful

chill translucent night

silent orb eye reigns benevolent

with infinite course of light;

I am magician’s handmaiden

I am the goddess queen,

I love the world and all within

and those things unseen;

Blessed be the stars,

blessed be the moon

and as the planet turns

blessed our people

to whom the Truth returns.

Reflections in the Moment, Briefly

2018-05-29T13:01:00.000-07:00

“Character, like a photograph, develops in darkness.” — Yousuf Karsh

It has been some time since I have posted. Life has been full and I have not written much aside from personal journaling.

In the fall of 2015 my husband of 10 years and I divorced. This was a huge challenge and experiencing the past two and a half years has made me a deeper more compassionate person. Stronger, too, when self-doubt threatened to crush me and I had to start over when I didn't know if I could make it through one day without emotionally falling apart.

In 2017 my mother moved into assisted living. This continues to be a test for me and my siblings, and certainly for my mother who struggles daily with advancing dementia. There is still that sweet woman that abides in her heart and mostly this is who she still is but nothing prepared us for the memory lapses, the confusion, the obsessive behaviors, and ultimately her inability to live alone. It is these things that lead us to have her move into an assisted living facility. It never crossed my mind that this would ever happen but it is for her health and safety. She does not understand why she is there, and she is not able to comprehend or retain our explanations so we love her in the moment.

in 2018 I moved, an occasion that was both a beginning and closure; an opportunity to recreate my self and heal my heart. Once again. I thought that at the age of 68 I might be more settled, but this was not to be. Apparently, I am slated for more adventures.

There are so many levels of emotions within these changes and sometimes unwanted advice from people who don't understand and so freely offer their opinions about something they know very little about. This, too has made me a better person. There is so much that life teaches and the older I get the more learn the peace of mind that letting go of anger and resentment brings.

And so it goes. I am most thankful for my loving and supporting family and my close friends who have helped me so much simply by being who they are.

The Miracle of Meh

2018-02-21T16:00:00.001-08:00

"A miracle is simply a shift in perception"
Marianne Williamson
from Everyday Grace

Fingers poised above the keyboard, I search inside my mind for words to express what I am feeling. It helps to stay in the present moment and pay attention to the surroundings: the crackle and the warmth of the fire, the drip of the faucet in the kitchen and the soft whiteness that drapes the trees outside in the frozen world of winter.

I have reached what I have been told is the "meh" stage which means my heart no longer aches and I am not triggered by photos of my past; life with someone I thought I was going to grow old with. Meh, to me anyway, also means I no longer fret and stew and wonder what I did wrong. It means I have picked up my pieces and I am ready to move on. Meh means I am done with that drama.

Not to say that I am bored or unfeeling, or that I don't get lonely sometimes or annoyed and sharp in some of my communications, or that tears don't well up at odd moments because of a sad movie or the sweet sound of a grandchild who says, "I love you Grandma" or when I see photos of my grown-up sons and daughters who are such fine people with full lives of their own.

I am getting my priorities straight. Life is a miracle, meh and all.

Standing the Test of Time

2018-01-30T13:01:00.000-08:00

“He was never lonely because he was beginning to write. He had discovered that in communing with his own mind he was in communication with life.”

The Eternal Wonder by Pearl S. Buck

Page 2162 Kindle edition

The sun is shining for the first time in days. The blue of the sky is a brilliant contrast to the white of the snow.

This quote says it all. Sometimes there is something magical about the writing process. In the past, I have guarded my writing time with a passion. Presently I am in an ideal situation, spending the winter in a beautiful setting in the Ponderosa Pines near the Columbia River, and this winter I have the house to myself. I feel quite luxurious, with my laptop, my books, my notebooks, pens strewn all over and the whole days to work on my projects. Certainly, I am not lonely.

I imagine that writers throughout the centuries have felt transported as they created their works. I have been discouraged many times over the years but I keep coming back to what sustains me. I have many good writers that I admire and are a source of inspiration.

Pearl S Buck was a Nobel Prize winner and was awarded the Pulitzer for A Good Earth. The Eternal Wonder, her last book, was lost for 40 years and was published in 2013.

https://www.npr.org/2013/05/25/186318860/a-lost-and-found-wonder-pearl-s-bucks-final-novel

https://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/literature/laureates/1938/buck-bio.html

WHO ME?

2018-01-27T17:18:00.002-08:00

WRITING MEMOIRS

Why I want to write my memoirs? The most obvious is the fact not only do I like to write, I am compelled to write and over the years have learned that my strengths are NOT in fiction writing, and although I can occasionally write a short story, essays, personal journaling, poetry are more to my liking. And now I have discovered memoir writing. A big difference here, too, is that I no longer care about the impressing the world at large. I am doing this for myself and for my family.

My main inspiration is to leave a legacy for my children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. My grandfather and my father inspired me, as each of them has written about their own lives as their families homesteaded and grew up in the Palouse Country of Eastern Washington. My father also recounts his experiences in WWII in which he landed on the beaches of France. I appreciate the value of these stories and I have the desire to write memoirs of my own; to share a part of myself with the people I love the most.

One of the first things I had to get firmly in my head was the DIFFERENCE between an autobiography, a journal, and a memoir. An autobiography is a broader description of one's life and more linear. For example, where you were born, when you got married, etc. A journal tends to be records of thoughts, daily growth, and reflections. A memoir, as I understand it, captures the "slice of life" moments in our lives; the events that change us.

Three resources are I use are Shimmering Images by Lisa Dale Norton , The Memoir Project by Marion Roach Smith and MEMOIRS OF THE SOUL By Nan Phifer.

Wish me luck and stay tuned! Comments and reflections are welcome.

Compassionate Abiding

2018-01-24T15:32:00.000-08:00

Living in a place where the winter is deep and white has proven to be both a quietly joyful and heart wrenching journey this year. Today I am alone with my thoughts and my feelings but this solitude is also comforting. In the aftermath of some deep emotional challenges the past couple of years I learn different ways to cope and to process the events of life.
I have been blessed with the time and the space to slow down and live one day at a time. I sit by the warmth of the woodstove and watch the snow falling past the window. Every once in awhile there is a loud thud as the snow slides down off the roof and lands in a big pile.

Along with books, movies, and my journal, I also have the benefit of the internet which is a great tool, my “window to the world”. Recently I discovered an interview of Pema Chodron done by Oprah, two of my favorite teachers. I feel compelled to give it a home here on my blog. Enjoy!

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/12/02/pema-chodron-exercise-suffering-discontent_n_6255410.html