Beverly Diehl's Writing in Flow

Hungry, Miserable & Watching Whittling Down my TBR List

2012-02-22T05:00:00.000-08:00

Cover of The Hunger GamesKnocking out the books on my TBR list, here's my loves and hates for February:

The Hunger Games (trilogy). I have felt vastly disappointed in wildly popular books whenever I get around to reading for myself what all the buzz is about. The Horse Whisperer. The DaVinci Code. (Somebody, anybody, buy Robert Whatshisface a personality, any personality, please!) The Girl Who Might Possibly Do interesting things eventually after you have slogged through 100+ pages of mind-numbing dullness, with the lead journalist Mikhail guy just as bland as Robert Whatshisface.

I'd call those characters vanilla, but that would be insulting vanilla, which does have a distinct odor and flavor. (Yes, yes, I hear that the films and the acting in them was great, but a screenplay is only 180 pages, tops, not 600 as those borefests were.)

So I put off reading The Hunger Games, out of fear of being let down yet again, and an outsider at the party of everybody yelling, "Hurray, doesn't the Emperor have on a gorgeous new suit?" Plus it was *holding my nose* Young Adult. I'm a grown-up, isn't the genre beneath me?

I have rarely been so happily surprised by a book/series (because like eating M & M's or potato chips, I had to keep going until I finished the entire series). Among other things, Suzanne Collins has a background in screenwriting, so she understands how to make a story move. I would advise every novelist to spend a little time studying screenwriting. You're required to say more with fewer words. (Not that I've mastered this.) The Hunger Games characters are engaging, the plot has interesting twists and turns, and the stakes couldn't be higher. (5/5 stars, across the board.)

I could tell you about it, but this trailer does a better job describing the storyline:

I'm generally not a "movies" person. IMO, ninety-nine times out of a hundred, the book is way better - even Gone With the Wind which is still a great movie - but I am actually looking forward to this movie. Jennifer Lawrence (incredible in Winter's Bone), based on the trailers, looks and moves just as I pictured Katniss. Woody Harrelson as Haymitch, the washed-up drunk mentor, perfect. Donald Sutherland chewing up the scenery as evil President Snow, Lenny Kravitz as Cinna... the casting looks amazing.

So, comparing this series to an old classic, also made into movies and plays, Les Misérables by Victor Hugo. Freshen your drink, and hit the head, we'll be a while. Our buddy Victor takes a looooong time to set up any conflict. We start with the wonderful, saintly Bishop. Chapter after chapter of snooze-worthy saintliness. There's a telling (not a showing) of an encounter with bandits in a remote village, and then a second telling via letter of the Bishop's sister, of the same incident. There's a lot of name-dropping about people who were semi-important in 1815 France, but mean about as much to a modern reader as the names of the semi-finalists of American Idol, Season Three, would mean to somebody in 1815 France.

I stuck with Les Mis, till I was 60% of the way through (and do intend to return to it, sometime this century) while I did not with Dragon Tattoo, because even though there was little conflict, I had interesting characters. The Bishop, his sister, and, once he arrived on the scene, Jean Valjean. Fantine, and her petit Cosette. Inspector Javert and his OCPD. I cared about what happened to them, whereas with those other characters, I didn't care if they lived or died. (I kinda leaned on the "die" side.)

That said, I could not read every word of Les Mis. I gave it a go, but after 3-4 pages of the battle of Waterloo, one bullet at a time, with another 15 or so pages ahead, I gave myself permission to skim the boring parts. IMO, Hugo would not get published today without major editing - way too much scenery and boring backstory. Even skimming, I could not finish it without taking breaks to read books that were, well, interesting.

Tolkien had never-ending battles in his works, too, and so do other classic and popular works of fiction. Is this some kind of battle-porn that some readers actually enjoy? Is it a guy thing? Pages and pages of thrusting swords, bullets piercing through flesh, and big fat cannons going off? *shakes head* Not interesting to me. I'll take my porn straight up, thank you.

Watching Willow Watts by Talli Roland. I "met" Talli last year during Arlee Bird's A-Z Blogfest. She's a sweet, gracious, kind writer always eager to give a hand or word of encouragement to another writer. So I was a little nervous about reading this book. What if I hated it? Do I go ahead and be honest, giving it a crappy review? Do I ignore it as if I bought but never read it?

Luckily - I liked the book very much. Willow was a little too pliant (something like an actual willow, possibly a deliberate author choice) for my taste in the beginning of the novel, but by the end, she's discovered quite a sturdy backbone, thank you very much!

I loved the subplot romance between Bette Johnson, co-dependent and unsatisfied middle-aged woman out of Georgia (USA) and Willow's dad. I also loved the many slang Brit terms - as a Yank, for whatever reason, everything sounds twice as charming in a British accent or term. (You had me at the loo!) I am looking forward to reading more of Talli's work.

Four Queens- Nancy Goldstone - I gave this 4/5 stars. If you're curious about medieval history, but hate dry scholarly tomes, this would work well for you. Goldstone's style is chatty, almost tabloid-like, though she unobtrusively works in dates and important events (wars, births of heirs, deaths, etc). Imagine if Kate Middleton had three younger sisters, one of whom married Prince Harry, and the other two married other European royalty. Pretty unlikely, huh? Like Middleton, these girls (they became women later, but marrying at 13 or so, counts as being girls, IMO) were not themselves royalty; unlike the Middletons, their county, while beautiful, was vastly in debt. Except for the youngest daughter, they had no dowry; Mama Dearest was charming but also manipulative and a bit controlling. She also had eight ambitious brothers who managed to work the royal connections with their nieces to do quite well for themselves. (My full review is up on Goodreads & Amazon.)

Crash Into You - Roni Loren

In one way this has been on my TBR list for a very long time - since I "met" Roni online last year, though it was only released in January 2012. Regardless of your genre, Roni writes one of of the best writing blogs on the web, so you're a fool if you don't follow her. Just sayin'.

But, like reading Talli, I was afraid. What if I don't like it? Roni has not only been a kind blogfriend, she's even given me an interview. Her book is explicit BDSM stuff, and that's not generally my flavor of lube, if you KWIM (Know What I Mean).

Not to worry. Loren develops the characters beautifully. Brynn is beautiful, kinky, and vulnerable. Reid is to-die-for sexy, but he's very much in love with Brynn... and also has his weak spots. She violates "the rules" but writes a beautiful book by telling the story in parallel: then and now. The end is a twist I didn't quite see coming, but found believable, and she also introduces a mancandy character, Jace, I hope to be seeing a lot more of. If you like this kind of material, you will love it, and if you don't like this material... you should read it anyway, just for the experience. You may find, just like myself and the Hunger Games, to be surprised.

Left on my TBR list:

The Birthday of the World - Ursula LeGuin
Messalina: Devourer of Men - Zetta Brown
Uncut Diamonds - Karen Jones Gowan
On Writing - Stephen King
Les Miserables - Victor Hugo - slightly more than halfway through
Daisy Miller - Henry James
Bet Me - Jennifer Crusie
Hot, Flat and Crowded - Thomas Friedman
Pleasure's Edge - Eve Berlin
Her Fearful Symmetry - Audrey Niffeneger
Falling Leaves - Adeline Yen Mah
Picture Perfect - Jodi Picoult
Giving Up the Dream - J.L. Campbell
Watching Willow Watts - Talli Roland
Shifters' Storm - Vonna Harper
Automagically - Sommer Marsden
You Can Heal Your Life - Louise Hay
The Hunger Games - Suzanne Collins
Little Black Dress - Susan McBride
Tourist Trap - Sue Ann Bowling
Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
Confessions of an Improper Bride - Jennifer Haymore

The details and sign-up are at Vicky's blog, Books Biscuits and Tea.

Are there any books you're moved off your TBR pile so far this year?

Have you read any of the books I read?

What did you think? Are you a fan of battle-porn?

Men in Uniform - Who Could Ask for Anything More? #MancandyMonday

2012-02-20T09:30:00.000-08:00

I grew up in a family full of uniforms. Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and Coast Guard, our family fully represented America's Armed Forces.

Familiarity did not breed contempt. I still very much enjoy the sight of a fine man in a fine uni.

Here's a few to enjoy and honor, this Presidents' Day.

Army:

Lt. Henry Ossion Flipper. Born into slavery, he was the first African-American to graduate from West Point in 1877, not without experiencing severe rejection and persecution by white cadets. He later wrote a book about the experience.

He became a cavalry officer and served on the western frontier, the first non-white soldier to lead Buffalo Soldiers of the 10th Cavalry.

His original commander, Captain Nicholas M. Nolan, supported him. However, the friendship he formed with Captain Nolan's white sister-in-law would later be used against him when he was transferred to Fort Davis, and placed under the command of a commander with a reputation for carrying out petty grudges against his officers, let alone one who was black.

After what appears to have been a set-up, Flipper was accused of embezzling funds, and the correspondence between Flipper and Miss Mollie Dwyer was used against him. He was court-martialed; cleared of embezzlement, but found guilty "of conduct unbecoming an officer and a gentlemen."

From history.army.mil

As a civilian, Henry Flipper went on to distinguish himself in a variety of governmental and private engineering positions. These included serving as surveyor, civil and military engineer, author, translator, special agent of the Justice Department, special assistant to the Secretary of the Interior with the Alaskan Engineering Commission, aide to the Senate Committee on Foreign Relations, as well as an authority on Mexican land and mining law.

Flipper tried unsuccessfully for the remainder of his life to have his commission restored. In 1976 the Army Board of the Correction of Military Records found that his conviction and punishment were unduly harsh, issuing him an honorable discharge. In 1999, President Bill Clinton officially pardoned Flipper.

Source: psywarrior.com via Beverly on Pinterest

Colin Powell

Everybody knows and respects General/Secretary Colin Powell. (I'm foggy on whether being a four-star general outranks Secretary of State, or whether it's the other way around. Anybody know?)

Started out in the ROTC during college in New York, served in the Army during Vietnam, where he earned many of that chestful of medals. Chairman of Joint Chiefs of Staff during George H.W. Bush's administration, continuing into the Clinton admin. George W. Bush pegged him for the Secretary of State spot, after which he and his wife Alma (married since 1962) began a charitable organization called America's Promise Alliance, with the goal of seeing all children graduate high school poised to succeed in college and life.

IMO, Secretary Powell is very easy on the eyes, even now going into his 70's.

Navy:

What's that? The Village People don't really count as Navy? How about Doris (better known as Dorie) Miller, hero of the attack on Pearl Harbor? Cook turned machine-gunner, after his battle-station was destroyed, and he'd fulfilled all other assigned duties. Awarded the Navy Cross for extraordinary courage in battle. (Many feel he should have received the Medal of Honor as well.)

Cuba Gooding Jr. portrays hero Dorie Miller in the movie Pearl Harbor

Image via Wikipedia

The real Doris Miller

Assigned to the escort carrier Liscome Bay, Miller was lost in the sinking of that ship in November 1943.

IMO, real life Navy heroes are incredibly sexy.

Coast Guard:

Source: telegraph.co.uk via Beverly on Pinterest

If you watched Saving Private Ryan and a number of other World War II movies, you might come away with the notion that African-American men (and women) in the then-segregated Armed Forces were safely in the background. Not so. Pictured above is John Noble Roberts, a 19-year-old coast guardsman who lost one leg (with severe injuries to the other) on an amphibious ferry bringing troops to the beaches of Normandy on D-Day.

Air Force

Source: en.wikipedia.org via Beverly on Pinterest

Although all servicemen are worthy of admiration, there is something especially dashing about flyboys. Benjamin O. Davis, Jr., became the first African American general in the U. S. Air Force.

He did have a leg-up in that his father was a career military officer, but suffered the same obstacles as other black military officers before him. Shunned at West Point, Davis became even more determined to graduate and do well.

Instead of entering the Army, however, Davis became a pilot; the first black officer to graduate from Tuskegee Army Air Field.

from Wikipedia:

In the summer of 1945, Davis took over the all-black 477th Bombardment Group, which was stationed at Godman Field, Kentucky.

During the war, the airmen commanded by Davis had compiled an outstanding record in combat against the Luftwaffe. They flew more than 15,000 sorties, shot down 111 enemy planes, and destroyed or damaged 273 on the ground at a cost of 66 of their own planes and losing only about twenty-five bombers.

Davis himself led dozens of missions in P-47 Thunderbolts and P-51 Mustangs. He received the Silver Star for a strafing run into Austria and the Distinguished Flying Cross for a bomber-escort mission to Munich on June 9, 1944.

Courageous, determined, and movie-star handsome, General Davis passed away in 2002.

Marines

A little cheating; this man, below, isn't USMC, he's a Royal Marine Commando (UK). David McIntosh, aka Tornado on Gladiators.

Okay, here's one of many real-life USMC foxes, Frederick C. Branch, smiling as his wife pins his second lieutenant bars on his uniform.

Click the link for many more pictures and stories of the thousands of African-American recruits trained through Montford Point Camp.

From USA Today:

With the exception of a few slaves and freemen in the Continental Marines during the American Revolution, blacks did not serve in the Marine Corps until World War II — and even then, many military leaders were reluctant to include them....

...African Americans joined the Marines during World War II despite the hostility.

Commander in Chief. No, he doesn't wear a uniform, and yes, Barack Obama's got goofy sticky-out-y ears, but such a smile!

Meaning no disrespect, but I think our current President is a very fine-looking man. Regardless of one's politics, I hope we can all agree that nothing is sexier than a man who clearly loves and is comfortable with his wife and children. I don't think I've ever seen a picture where they're not all leaning in close, looking happy to be with each other (although as the girls enter teenager-~~hell~~ -hood, we may see some sulks going on).

I appreciate and honor every man and woman who serves this country (or their own), but I have to admit to an extra share of appreciation for those who did so against the odds. In times when skin color, accent, or gender ensure that one does not receive an equal opportunity for advancement, it takes a very special man or woman to serve anyway.

Your thoughts?

Captain Condom: Cover Me, I'm Goin' In!

2012-02-15T05:00:00.000-08:00

Image via WikipediaValentine's Day and STI's just go together.

Well, generally the one follows the other, because many people feel the pressure to fall in love over this time of year. Who wants to be alone over Valentine's Day?

Not that love is a mistake, but rushing into a romantic and/or sexual relationship... Yep. Regrets. And although the poster on the left blamed women (of course) for spreading VD (once upon a time, they called Sexually Transmitted Infections - Venereal Disease, or VD), plenty of men who "look clean" are bringing more than a good time to the party, too.

As a writer of erotica and romance, one of the questions we ask ourselves is: How do we write about condom use and keep it sexy?

First let's debunk the idea that irresponsible sex = more enjoyable sex. Even leaving pregnancy and the life-threatening possibility of AIDS out of the equation (and nobody knows when the next AIDS-like disease is going to appear), ain't nothin' sexy about being treated for gonorrhea, chlamydia, or even crabs. Responsible sex = hotter sex, because smart partners who are willing to protect us and themselves are much sexier partners. It falls upon contemporary romance and erotica writers to either write condom use into their scenes in a sexy way, or provide a plausible reason why condom use is unnecessary (vampires don't carry or catch STI's).

I was surprised, however, upon watching this video clip, to discover several facts about condoms I did not know. Like how to test the package, pre-opening, for leaks or punctures. That there's one side designed to open easily. Or that the tear-it-open-with-teeth move can damage the poor li'l thing. Yikes!

Were you surprised as well? Did you know about the sombrero vs. baby bottle?

What about the female condom? (Yes, Virginia, there is such a thing.) Despite appearing large enough to serve as a rain protector for a Smartcar, there are many advantages to using one. Here's the how-to's:

For those sensitive to latex, or women whose partners balk at wearing a standard condom, the female condom is well worth trying. There's also the advantage of being able to put them in hours ahead of time, so if we happen to be ~~sluts~~ the super-spontaneous type, inclined to say, "Just this once won't matter," then it really won't.

For a writer, condom use can also increase the drama or humor. The horror of that busted condom moment (less likely if one avoids the errors pointed out, above), or that always awkward "fishing trip" post-coitus for a condom that has "disappeared."

Plus now, there's even designer condoms on the horizon. Would you be more likely to become involved with a big spender who flashed one of these? (That's a Louis Vuitton prototype; unlike me, you probably have oodles of things around the house with that brand on it, and recognized it right away.) Notice the embossing on the actual condom surface itself, for added enjoyment. Estimated price, should these go into production, $68 a pop, er, condom.

Source: incrediblethings.com via Beverly on Pinterest

Did you learn something from the clips, above?

Have you ever used a female condom - and did it squeak?

Ever had to "go fishing"?

Dammit, Whitney!

2012-02-13T05:00:00.000-08:00

Image via WikipediaI didn't want you to go like that.

Sometimes when talented stars exhibit repeated "substance abuse problems," and then claim to have cleaned up their act, I couldn't care less whether it's true or not. Oh, I don't wish them ill or anything, but I simply Don't. Care.

Whitney I wanted to see make that comeback. I had a mad girl-crush on her, back in the 80's, and the song below was and is one of my favorites. She was so incredibly talented, so lovely, and at least in this video, so filled with joy and hope. Such a waste.

Lot of buzz blaming her ex Bobby Brown for introducing her to drugs, way back when. Certainly, if the news was reversed, if he'd drowned or OD'ed the tub, instead of her, I wouldn't need a hanky. Cold, but true; I'm pretty sure if the world had never heard Mr. Brown's one big hit, the planet would go on spinning. Likewise that other Brown guy, no relation to Bobby, the one more famous for hitting his talented girlfriend Rihanna in the face than anything he ever performed, that guy, the one on the Grammy's again because...? No big loss.

Whereas Whitney had the voice of an angel, at least once upon a time she did. Before she lost her way, she could've sung a grocery list or ketchup label and made it sound amazing.

Reality is, some people are toxic for us. Maybe they beat us, maybe they just batter us with their words, or teach us to share their addictions.

Whether they're spouses, love partners, business partners, friends, whether it is "all their fault" or all ours, or somewhere in between, sometimes we get too closely entangled with people who bring out the bad in us. The unhealthy, the codependent, the drug or alcohol dependent side.

If we're smart and lucky, we realize this and break it off before it's too late. Even if it feels like we can't possibly live without them. Still we surface, find our way back to who were are/were.

Sometimes, though, we stay too long, and the damage is done. Like a poison spreading through our system, simply cutting off the infected part isn't enough to do the job anymore. I so wanted, hoped Whitney Houston would get her act together, and soon. She had such talent, so much to live for, a beautiful young daughter who needed her mom.

Her fate so easily could've been me, or somebody I loved.

My deepest condolences to Whitney's family, and those who loved her.

Your thoughts?

In FantasyLand, I'm a World Champion Figure Skater

2012-02-08T05:00:00.000-08:00


from celeblifemag.com

You ever read a romance where the drop-dead gorgeous heiress heroine is something like a PhD at the age of 22, and a ballerina, who cures cancer in her spare time?

When I read something like that, part of me says, "Oh, I so wish I was her!" and part of me says, "Oh, yeah, ~~bullshit~~ hogwash. Nobody could be that talented."

Actually, I didn't want to be a ballerina. But I did think from time to time, I might possibly, be a tennis player. Or a figure skater.

I was born in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I'm tall, sturdily built, not without athletic stamina (if totally lacking in balance and grace), and growing up, of course I had my own ice skates. Local skating rink, too, that I spent a lot of time at. Well, not really a rink. In the wintertime, the neighborhood kids took turns; somebody would ask their parents' permission and they'd turn on the garden hose to flood the back yard. Ta-da! "Rink" a few yards wide and long created overnight, when the water froze.

It made a decent enough surface to skate on, if kind of ripply. You also had to mind the grass clumps poking through the ice. Sometimes, when an irate parent who hadn't been asked, after all, discovered the neighborhood congregating on the rink in their backyard, somebody would get into trou-ble.

Another lesson from skating... You fall down, a lot. You learn to haul your tired behind up when you fall, every single time, a habit that pays off in other areas, like, writing.

So anyway, ice skating. I thought I was all that.

Then on TV I saw real figure skaters. Dorothy Hamill, Janet Lynn,and one of my personal heroines, Debi Thomas. Who proved that those over-the-top talented heroines really did exist.

Debi won the US Nationals Women's Singles Figure Skating Championships, on this very day (Feb 8) in 1986. While she was a pre-med student at friggin' Stanford University.

I did not "get" at the time, that this was not actually possible. A pre-med student has time for his/her studies, plus an occasional nap. A figure skater, likewise.

Debi took her calculus final in Sarajevo while she was competing for the World Championships.

I mean, come on. If you know anything about figure skating, you know it is full of incredible pressure and cut-throat competition. Though Debi was before Tonya Harding's lead-pipe-to-the-knee time, it wasn't a time of tea, crumpets, and bonhomie. Sadly, much racism and/or nationalism existed in the judging.

No way could Debi manage the requirements of competitive skating: the athletic jumps, the soft pretty artistic movements that woo the crowd and judges alike, the intricate footwork... Except, as you see in the clip below, she did, somehow.

She was (almost) nineteen years old.

Later, at the ripe old age of 21, she "failed" in the Calgary Olympics, after coping with Achilles tendonitis in both ankles, "only" bringing home the Bronze Medal. (Because we all know that a Bronze Medal at the Olympics is akin to failing, right?) One of the things I admired most about Debi, was afterwards, when she was interviewed and people were almost begging her to whine and make excuses for not bringing home the gold she'd been favored to win, she neither made excuses for herself, nor ran down Katarina Witt, her main competitor.

Debi Thomas "failed" right into a degree in engineering from Stanford (because everyone know they hand those things out like Pez candies), and a medical specialization as an orthopedic surgeon. Married and a mother; in 2010 she started her own private practice in Virginia. She's even laced up a pair of skates to perform in recent years.

So, okay, I can't compete with Debi, at either figure skating or medicine, but I have learned:

Incredibly talented heroines may not be common, but they do exist
It is possible to pursue more than one dream at a time
It is possible to succeed against the odds
The key is not giving up, not making excuses
You can let "failure" get you down, or you can keep going, perhaps achieve something even more wonderful. Thomas says of her son, "Luc is by far my greatest accomplishment."

Who's your FantasyLand icon?

What have you learned from him/her?

Doctor, I Have A Fever! #MancandyMonday

2012-02-06T05:00:00.000-08:00

Source: last.fm via Beverly on Pinterest

I admit it. I do have a weakness for hot musicians. With or without a big snake.

(I know that's where your eyes went on Lenny Kravitz, directly to the snake, right?)

However, I'm not totally shallow.

I actually prefer a man with a big, throbbing... brain, one who knows how to use it. If he has good looks too... I could live with that.

Here's some doctor-types that set my pulse racing.

All about the Benjamins:

Source: milwaukee.k12.wi.us via Beverly on Pinterest

Benjamin Carson, on the left. Pediatric neurosurgeon. First to successfully separate Siamese twins joined at the back of the head.

Granted, this is a younger photo of him; he's 60 now, but dang! He doesn't look like a doctor, does he? More like someone who plays a doctor on TV.

Benjamin Banneker (not shown) astronomer, city planner, inventor. You can bless and curse him for being part of the team that laid out the city of Washington, DC.

Dr. Ernest Everett Just. (right) Born African-American. In 1883. In Charleston, South Carolina. (I will pause now to let that sink in.) The man still became an internationally known authority on fertilization and egg development.

There's a joke in there somewhere, looking at that handsome face and thinking about his field of expertise, but out of respect I ain't going for it.

Dudley Weldon Woodard. (not shown, but still a good-looking man) PhD in Mathematics. Master's thesis: Loci Connected with the Problem of Two Bodies. Is it bad that title sounds faintly like a p0rn movie to me?

So, I thought, well maybe it is. I looked up loci, which is the plural of locus. From Dictionary.com:

lo·cus
noun, plural -ci [-sahy, -kee, -kahy] -ca [-kuh] .1.a place; locality.2.a center or source, as of activities or power: locus of control.3. Mathematics . the set of all points, lines, or surfaces that satisfy a given requirement.4. Genetics . the chromosomal position of a gene as determined by its linear order relative to the other genes on that chromosome.

Perhaps it's a good thing that Dr. Woodard was before my time, as even with the dictionary's help, I remain confused as to what, exactly, a locus is. But the dude had it going on, in both looks and brains.

from EPSN.com

Dr. J, aka Julius Erving. (on the left) Not a real doctor. However, he could slam dunk from the free throw line, which is extremely impressive.

Confession: I'm not a basketball fan. If I never ~~have to~~ get to sit through another game watching tall millionaires in short pants, I won't be weeping about it. Nor will I miss the squeak-squeak of their damn shoes. But... I have to give credit to somebody who was an incredible innovator, who came into a sport as was and left it forever changed. Look at that picture again, the height he got on that jump.

He was also part-owner of a NASCAR racing team, so saith Wikipedia. (Another sport I have experienced, and yet, don't crave seconds on.)

Source: amscoextra.blogspot.com via Beverly on Pinterest

Oh my stars, Neil deGrasse Tyson! (Look at him on the right, all suave and sexy in his suns and moons vest.) More earned and honorary doctorates than our solar system has planets (especially after he spearheaded the move to shut out Pluto.)

So handsome, so smart, and so articulate. Probably 99% of the time, he is the smartest man in the room, yet he manages to convey large amounts of info to the rest of us, without making a well-meaning listener like me feel dumber than a moon rock, or sounding like a total condescending prick.

I always knows when I see his face on TV, that a) I'm going to learn something I did not know, b) that I will feel good about it, and c) that I will be tickled by his overwhelming enthusiasm for the field of science. Like Carl Sagan, Tyson's so charming in that respect. It's not simply a show for the cameras, he seems to love science and sharing that love with other people.

Source: thelightnc.com via Beverly on Pinterest

Another man with stars in his eyes, Dr. Bernard A Harris, Jr. Doctor. Astronaut. Licensed private pilot. Humanitarian. Mustacharian. (Okay, I made word that up, but him and Neil deGrasse Tyson, both with the facial stylings? And they both look good in their mustaches, whereas some guys trying to wear them would look like 70's p0rn actors. And why am I suddenly so fixated on p0rn?)

Okay, this is a bit of a cheat. These guys: Eriq LaSalle, George Clooney, Noah Wylie, were not real doctors, they only played them on TV.

Still. They are all very smart men. And while I'd rather not be in an ER, ever again, I wouldn't mind waking up to one of those faces leaning over me. They would not need those stethoscopes to hear my heart beating.

Source: eonline.com via Beverly on Pinterest

One last doctor, a PhD I love because he has made me laugh and feel wonderfulness for years.

Classically handsome? Not.... really. Kind of goofy looking, much of the time, but so smart, so funny.

I was lucky enough to see one of Bill Cosby's Vegas shows, many years ago. Don't recall if he did The Dentist routine then, but I do remember laughing uncontrollably.

We'll be losing a good man when he passes.

Do you have a favorite hot doctor - either a medical doctor, or PhD type?

Do you prefer a man with or without facial hair?

If you like facial hair on men, what kind?

SG Komen - Go Pee Up A Rope!

2012-02-03T13:15:00.000-08:00

Image via WikipediaLike a lot of other people, I vaguely thought the Susan G. Komen Foundation did much good for women. I thought the races looked like plenty of fun, and were a great place for survivors to meet and bond. I did wonder about how putting a pink ribbon on everything from soda pop to chips to KFC helped battle breast cancer, but I thought, well, maybe it's good, just to have men and women thinking about breast cancer.

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was about 5. She was in her mid-forties.

This was in the Sixties, practically the Dark Ages as far as treatments went. The days when you went "under the knife" when they found a lump, and when you woke up, you found out if it was cancer or not, depending on how much of your chest they'd carved away.

They took her breast, the chest muscles, lymph nodes, the muscles under her arm.

They gave her radiation that made her sick. She was in remission, for several years, but the cancer recurred. They gave her male hormones, which caused her to grow a mustache, embarrassing her tremendously. They gave her all kinds of drugs that made her sick, made her hallucinate, made her body bloat and gain weight. The final indignity, for a woman who'd struggled so hard to lose the last baby weight she'd gained with me.

She died anyway, on the eve of my tenth birthday.

Betty Jane - and her first granddaughter.
She was 49 when she died, a few weeks
after this photo was taken.

As for me... well, found the first suspicious lump in my thirties. Biopsied. Benign. Another one some years later, another biopsy. Benign. My older sisters - a similar story. So far, so good.

In the past few years, I've developed a number of "interesting" masses, plus a large number of cysts. Last week, they told me that since they've all been stable for about two years, I can now drop to one mammo & ultrasound a year, instead of an extra ultrasound every six months. I'm happy about this, but I will never feel "safe." The most I can hope for is the relief of so far, so good.

My friend (and fabulous author) Lisa Hendrix turned me on to this video by this incredibly brave woman.

When there's an emotional connection to an issue, any organization, be it political, religious, or charitable, can take advantage of that emotional connection to persuade people to donate, volunteer, and participate. Usually without thinking, looking, and asking penetrating questions. Breast cancer is one of those issues that affects a lot of families, personally and emotionally.

I'm sure in the beginning, Nancy Brinker was truly remembering and grieving for her sister, Susan G. Komen, and forming the organization was an effective way to honor her sister and work out her grief. It's tragic when anyone loses a family member to breast cancer. But as to what the SGK Foundation has come to embody:

bloated salaries for their top executives
bullying and lawsuits to shut down smaller organizations
pinkwashing anything and everything that brings in corporate money, from junk food to animal feed to handguns
This latest, their decision to stop making grants to Planned Parenthood.
Oh, and they'd already defunded stem cell research, something that might actually lead to a cure for breast cancer.

Now they're spinning, and outright lying that politics and personal religious beliefs about when life starts had anything to do with their (original) Planned Parenthood decision.

They must think people are really, really, really stupid. That people will not think this is a desperate attempt to save their generous salaries (over $400k, really?), corporate and celebrity endorsements. I would retain at least a fraction of respect for them if they had the ovaries to say, "We made a mistake. It was a dumb and shortsighted move, and we won't do it again." Instead, frantic PR spinning and more BS.

They have proven that, whatever their original intentions, whatever phrase or color ribbon they pin on it (and try to copyright), they cannot be trusted. I am furious. My sisters are furious. My mother would have been furious.

Image via WikipediaYou may or may not support Planned Parenthood. I do. I was grateful to have their services available to me when I was a teenager, and needed information about birth control and contraceptives. I have friends who have used their services for pregnancy testing and prenatal care. I used their wonderful guide for parents to educate myself in how to talk to my son about sex. Abortion services only make up 3% of what they offer clients.

Yes, some PP clinics do offer abortion counseling and services. You may believe that human life begins the minute that sperm meets egg; I can't prove it does not, though I don't share that belief. I've already expressed my thoughts on why I'm pro-choice, here.

You will notice that this post is not illustrated with pink ribbons, but instead, practical illustrations that might help a woman (or a man, I have a male friend who's a breast cancer survivor) understand breast cancer a little better. I'm not sure that pink ribbons do much except a) make the person displaying one feel smugly generous, and b) bring in a lot of income to the companies that make pink ribbon decals, pins, and other items.

There are other organizations that have run/walks. Avon does one against breast cancer. NAMI does one (and I've participated in it) that battles mental illness, a vastly underfunded cause that also affects many, many families. While breast cancer will always be close to my heart (in more ways than one), a reality is that today, more women die of heart disease than all forms of cancer, combined. Maybe it's time to give the pink ribbons a rest and focus on other issues that also take women's lives. Like domestic violence.

In any event, the SG Komen Foundation can go pee up a rope, as far as I am concerned. I don't care if they triple their grants to Planned Parenthood. They are stick-a-fork-in-it done, as far as I'm concerned, and it would not grieve me if shortly enough other people felt the same way that they have to downsize and cut salaries.

How do you feel?

Do you have a Susan G. Komen story?

A Planned Parenthood one?

Or can you recommend another organization that supports breast cancer survivors?

I'm So Talented... In Theory

2012-02-01T05:00:00.000-08:00

via qthomasbower on Flickr

But who am I? I have to know it to show it, don't I? Perhaps I'm a poet:

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Well, I do like to consider myself a Phenomenal Woman, but I've totally ~~stolen~~ borrowed the words of Maya Angelou, a much better poet than I'll ever be.

Singer and dancer, perhaps? Of course - surely you've seen my video...

Okay, that's not me, either. Though admittedly, my moves are almost as smooth as baby Cory's.

An astronaut, then? Some people would say I'm pretty "out there." What does it take to do that? (Besides hitchin' a ride, since we don't have a space shuttle anymore?)

From Wikipedia:

Mae Carol Jemison (born October 17, 1956) is an American physician and NASA astronaut. She became the first black woman to travel in space when she went into orbit aboard the Space Shuttle Endeavour on September 12, 1992. After her medical education and a brief general practice, Jemison served in the Peace Corps from 1985 to 1987. She resigned from NASA in 1993 to form a company researching the application of technology to daily life. She has appeared on television several times, including as an actor in an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. She is a dancer, and holds 9 honorary doctorates in science, engineering, letters, and the humanities.

I am now feeling seriously stoopid. Dr. Jemison is not only incredibly talented and galactically brilliant, but smokin' hot. Plus she has that dancing mojo working for her.

totsymae.com

Okay, how about...

Painting? I can smear paint on a canvas... theoretically.

Then again, perhaps I should leave art to the real talent, like TotsyMae, Alma Thomas, Cora Marshall, and Valerie Maynard.

I'm not a self-made millionaire businesswoman like Sarah (C. J. Walker) or Oprah Winfrey.

I haven't become a bank president, won a Nobel Prize, or set the world on its ear by refusing to sit at the back of the bus.

I looks at these incredible women, and sometimes I get down on myself. Seemingly, they have accomplished so much, and I have accomplished so little.

I work a day job like millions of other Americans. In my spare time, I write smutty little stories that I hope will become my day job, someday. (Which are not, actually, "just" smutty little stories. I try to write in ways that entertain, but also shine light into some dark corners.)

Out of all the women I look at and wish I was more like them in some small or large way, Marian Wright Edelman is one of my longtime top heroes. Battling for children of all colors and abilities, for almost 40 years...

As she expresses it, “If you don’t like the way the world is, you have an obligation to change it. Just do it one step at a time.”

So, showing myself love means following my passion, doing what I can to make the world a better place. Maybe with less grace than Beyoncé, less blinding intelligence than Mae Jemison, less money and business savvy than Oprah (hey, almost everybody's a member of that club), but I'm doing what I can, when I can.

February. Hearts and Flowers time. Time for being loved, or showing love to myself.

Source: wosushi.wordpress.com via Beverly on Pinterest

I may be imperfect, but I can still be a Phenomenal Woman - and so can you. (Unless you're a guy, or transgender, in which case, just be a Phenomenal whatever you are, okay?)

Do something today to make the world a little bit better, because Phenomenal people do that kind of thing. Find a volunteer opportunity in your community. Give a homeless person five bucks instead of one. Pick up trash from the street or sidewalk. Give the dog an extra five minutes of playing fetch, or the cat an extra five minutes of stroking. Let somebody in the lane ahead of you even though it's not his turn. Start a recycling program at your day job. Distract a cranky toddler in the supermarket checkout line. The possibilities (find more here at A Year of Making A Difference) are endless.

What people do you admire and compare yourself to?

What great or small thing have you done today to show somebody
- including yourself - some love?

Why I Love My FaceBook Fan Page And a Little #Mancandy

2012-01-30T05:00:00.001-08:00

Image via CrunchBaseIf you're at all like me, the minute somebody says to you, "You should <blog, Tweet, create a FaceBook fan page, eat more salad> the first thought that crosses your mind is that the well-meaning "Should-er" should STFU.

But... they're right.

If I have only one fan who follows me through FaceBook, who loves my book, and shares it via her FaceBook account...

This is how word of mouth spreads, boys and girls. Don't you want every possible fan to know about your work?

See, I have friends and family who are all over FaceBook. Baby pictures, jokes, comments about sports... Some of 'em never met a stupid game they didn't like. And while they would hate me if I was sending them blurbs about my writing on a regular basis, they will be happy to plug my book(s) when published.

I also love my writer friends, who are only interested in sharing writing stuff and hearing tidbits about my work, or perhaps a shared mancandy picture.

Having a FaceBook fan page allows me to separate these groups. If I want to see who's pregnant, engaged, or furious that their team just lost a play-off game - personal FB page.

If I want to see what's happening in my LARA RWA group, or the multitude of blogs I follow via Networked Blogs and syndicate to my FaceBook fan page (more on that in a future post), I just toggle to my FaceBook writer fan page. I see that ooh, there's a new post from Writer Unboxed. And Lisa Hendrix has posted a great mancandy photo like the one below, yum!

Source: riogirl9909.deviantart.com via Beverly on Pinterest

Okay. Eyes back on the text now. Focus, breathe...

FaceBook. Fan Page. Why was that again? Besides quick and easy access to mancandy photos?

Simply having that handy little division between the personal side and the writer side makes me feel so much more organized. More organized/less confusion = more energy for writing! (In theory, anyway.)

Good thing about liking a fan page from your fan page, rather than your personal page: You avoid boring the crap out of your friends and family who are patiently waiting for you to get over that silly little writing hobby. (Until such time as you make it big, in which case they will brag to everyone they knew it all along. And hit you up for money.) Updates and posts only go to people interested in you and your writer's journey. Presumably, the "stuff" that's updated is useful content, because what you Like as a writer/author will be stuff like World Book Night.

It also keeps those peeps who are only interested in me as a writer from being bored by my comments about people's baby pictures, status updates, and relationships.

Post once, share twice. I have linked my FB fan page to Twitter (which is sadly neglected, poor thing.) So let's say I come across a great blog post, a cool article, etc. When I post that link to my FB fan page, or Share a post that's already there, it automatically goes to my FB fans, and my Twitter followers, who aren't necessarily the same people. This saves me time and energy, which I can then use for writing (or Pinterest, depending on my mood).

You can synch in both directions, but if you are an avid Tweeter, I would advise, not. Keep in mind, they are different types of social media. The people who follow you on FaceBook probably don't want 8 billion updates. However, if you have more than one FaceBook fan page, and more than one Twitter account, you can link each FaceBook fan page to a different Twitter account. (More on why you might want more than one, below.)

Bad thing about Liking a fan page from another fan page: Likes by other fan pages aren't currently included in the tally of how many people Like a Page. (Why not? I. Don't. Know. Why do ye FaceBook gods do half the stuff they do, like introduce the Timeline thingie that I have yet to learn how to use?) So you might click on a fan page like mine, see that a pitiful number of individual people are Following, and think, what a loser! But in actuality, I might have zillions of secret Followers. It only looks like I'm a loser.

(Is that argument working for you? Or, have I guilted you into Liking me out of pity? Then my job is done. )

When the day comes and we hit the bestseller lists (which I seriously intend to do), we will want to have all ducks in a row (even if some of them are facing backwards). Website. Blog. FaceBook presence. Twitter account(s). But at that time, we're going to be too damn busy giving interviews and writing the next bestseller to begin setting up all this Social Media stuff. Better to have it in place, even in a weak sauce form, ready to be turbo-charged.

Source: theberry.com via Beverly on Pinterest

Can't you pay somebody to do it for you? IMO, not really. Once you have established a presence, and made a personal connection with a number of your followers, sure, you could farm out some of the posts and updating, say, to your personal assistant. But nobody else is you, has your flavor, knows which posts or Tweets which make you eager to share, or make you roll your eyes and reply something snarky.

Done in tiny bits, it's really easy. (I'm not a techie,so if I could do it...)

More on the ins and outs of Social Media here on Financially InKleined, which is a great site if you don't want to be broke all your life.

Creating your fan page: While logged into FaceBook, click here. It'll bring up a screen that looks like this:

If you're a writer, you're an "Artist, Band, or Public figure." Then follow the yellow brick road to finish creating - it's easy-peasy. Don't worry at this stage, if you select the wrong thing. For instance, you may call yourself a Writer, and later decide to call yourself an Author. Or vice versa. Do be discreet about how much personal information to put "out there," like addresses, phone numbers, etc. All your fans may not be nice or sane people.

Once you have 25 "Likes" for your page, you can (and should) create a distinct username. Most branding experts suggest always going with your own name - but yours may be Bob Jones, and that may not be available. I had already assigned my name (beverlydiehl) to my personal facebook page, so it wasn't available for my fan page.

Besides, I'm not sure I won't adopt a pen name at some point. And people always have trouble with my last name. So for Twitter, Pinterest, and now, my FaceBook fan page, my handle is "WriterBeverly", instead of the long string of numbers. (http://www.facebook.com/WriterBeverly) If you can't or don't choose to brand with your own name, do be consistent, and be VERY, VERY careful when selecting that username, because that is the one thing that can't be changed. If you choose SarahsSexyShits instead of Shirts, this could be Unfortunate.

This circles back to why you want a FaceBook fan page now - you cannot reserve a username for your FaceBook fan page until after you create a FaceBook fan page (and get 25 fans. This is where you do hit up for friends and family to fan you for at least a couple weeks, so you can grab your username. Promise them they can unfan you later if they like.)

If you lag, it is entirely possible that some crazed stalker person might set up a fan page and grab your best username. Then when you do get around to setting it up, she's got facebook.com/BrilliantAuthor, filled with pictures of dogs relieving themselves, and you've got to settle for BrilliantAuthorBooks. And a lot of e-mails asking why you like posting rather strange pictures of dogs.

Also, consider this. You can have multiple fan pages - for different pen names, or books/series. You easily administer them all through logging into your personal FaceBook account. You can post new items as yourself, or log into the fan page as an administrator (two clicks) if you are keeping your identity secret. So you can have one fan page for your sweet bonnet romances, and a totally different one for your M/M erotica persona.

I have my writer fan page, and I have started a new fan page for a non-profit organization that brings reading & story experiences to young children, Words on Wheels. (Btw, WOW could use some more Likes. Just sayin'.)

You can also have a custom designed FaceBook landing page for your fan page, so that when somebody who has not yet Liked your page goes there, they see a different presentation than your regular followers. If you go in that direction, I suggest you hire a professional (some are actually fairly inexpensive) so you maintain a consistent look among website, blog, and your FaceBook page.

Are you ready to take the plunge, or do you already have a FaceBook fan page?

If you've learned anything useful, please share this post.

If you have other good tips, please share those, too, in the comments.

Time? What's That? Who's Got Any Extra Time? #GBE2

2012-01-26T14:32:00.000-08:00

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a writer in possession of a fabulous idea must be in want of the time in which to write. (Borrowing liberally from Her Awesomeness Jane A.)

Or perhaps, writers are required, by secret non-union contract, to bitch about lack of time. Compared to when we were in grade school and our lives consisted of playing freeze tag and blowing dandelion fluff and staring out the window.

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you....

Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time.
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines...

I
And then the lyrics go on to cheerful subjects like being short of breath and closer to death. I can't help but wonder how much less pleasure David Gilmour takes in singing them these days, now that he's ~~a geezer~~ more mature. As opposed to when he was in his 20's/30's and could be all deep and philosophical-like about growing old.

Reality is, no writer has any "extra" time. We all have things that take as much time as they take - eating, sleeping, going to the bathroom. As for the rest of our time - some of us have "normal" day jobs, some don't. (Bitches! Sorry, a little envy slipped out there.) I do realize, in the moments I'm not all catty and jealous, that most of those who "don't work" are freelance writing, taking care of kids and/or elderly parents, probably for as many hours a day (or more) than those of us with day jobs.

We make choices for the rest of our time. I choose to watch very little TV, in order to get maximum writing and reading time. Which means I feel left out, not seeing all the cool new series people are buzzing about, I have no idea which celebs are married or divorced or preggers, and if on pain of death I had to give a count as to how many Republicans are currently running for President, I would be in big trouble.

Another person may sacrifice sleep, or salon pedicures, or crafting time to make space for writing. Nobody has the Time Fairy sprinkling a little extra love on his/her head at night.

Yet no matter how fast we spin and shave off bits of time here and there, even if we haven't watched TV since the moon landing, if we're slamming coffee to get by on four hours sleep a night, and let our toenails grow out till they're making a clicking sound on the linoleum, there's not still enough to do everything we want to do.

Source: mechantdesign.blogspot.com via Beverly on Pinterest

Just like we can't eat all the food in the world at one time, we can't do everything we might like to do, write everything we'd like to write. Not in an hour, not in a day, not in a lifetime. All we can do is try to find balance, to fit in a little of everything: the things we must do, like eating and bathroom breaks, the things we "should" do, like nail-clipping, and the things we want to to, like socialize, write, read, and watch TV.

Source: dailybitsofbeauty.com via Beverly on Pinterest

It doesn't have to be perfect. We don't have to compete with another writer who's more prolific (but never dates) or a hostess who hand-peels grapes or whatever (can you tell my idea of fine hospitality is having two kinds of chips plus a veggie tray?) or kick ourselves because we wanted to get X,Y and Z done today, but we only got X done.

We don't have to compete with anybody, even ourselves. Let's be Zen. Live in and enjoy the moment we have now, today; use it the way feels best for us.

Maybe that's writing, maybe that's taking a nap, maybe it's watching TV while our car is being serviced. We can love the moment, or stress ourselves out about it.

I'd rather be happy, and have a balloon, either a real or virtual one.

How about you?

Are you learning to let go of self-imposed time stresses?

THRIVING After Childhood Sexual Abuse One Size Doesn't Fit All

2012-01-23T05:00:00.000-08:00

Teri Hatcher (Image via RottenTomatoes.com)Damaged Goods? I don't think so.

In the wake of the death of Joe Paterno, and the scandal that overwhelmed his legacy in recent months, I want to bring up a new angle on the whole issue of sexual abuse of children.

I won't ever argue that childhood sexual abuse is a good thing. I think we can pretty much all agree, it's a horrible thing.

BUT... at the same time, I am concerned that the outcry over the (alleged) Penn State scenario - kids seduced and/or forcibly raped by a powerful pedophile over the course of many years, while those in a position to stop it (like Joe Paterno) knew and did little to end it - actually goes a little too far.

"These boys' lives are ruined forever!" "These kids will never be able to live a normal life!" "They should <insert horrible torture here> to that man because nothing is as bad as what he did!" We keep the names of a rape or assault victim hidden in news reports to "protect" her (or him).

Outrage and anger is much better than turning a blind eye or condoning abuse, yet... Along with the outrage, we are sending the message that being a victim is something shameful, something from which no one ever really recovers, that once you are raped or assaulted, you are damaged goods forever.

I'm not suggesting that childhood (or adult) sexual abuse ain't no big thing, or that those who experienced it should just "stop whining and get over it." However, from the victims' perspective, there are many different layers of hurt and recovery. I know from personal experience.

I have been molested (boyfriend's dad, age 12), date-raped (17) and stranger raped at knifepoint (19). The experiences have impacted my life, absolutely. Even substantially changed the direction it might have taken. Still, they did not ruin my life, my sexual expression, or my future. I refuse to feel ashamed of violence directed at me by some a$$clown.

What happened to me isn't a big secret, though I don't put it on my job resume, or out front upon meeting new people, "Hi, I'm Beverly, I write rom-com novels and I've been raped and molested a couple times. Nice to meet you." Really, how would somebody respond to that? "Nice to meet you, have you tried the cocktail weinies?"'

I have met and become friends with many people who have experienced childhood sexual assault in various forms; to themselves, to their spouses and stepchildren, and sadly, to their own children.

I do support anonymity for victims of assault who prefer not to be assaulted a second time by the press trying to obtain a scoop. (When I was raped at 19, the local paper listed my age, the street I lived on, the "hundreds" block, and my place of employment. So anybody I worked with, or my neighbors, reading the local paper, wouldn't have had much trouble putting the pieces together.) These days, it wouldn't surprise me to find reporters actually walking into my house if I left the door unlocked, or hacking my e-mail.

Still, I also support those who do come forward, names and all. Because getting assaulted or raped, at any age, is no more the victim's fault than having a plane fall on you.

Abuse and assault is part of my life history and experience - it doesn't define who I am. I'm even a little repelled by the term victim, because it feels like there's something a bit condescending and smugly complacent in its usage - we always feel sorry for the poor victims, whether of sexual assault or hurricanes, don't we? (Not that I have a better alternative word.) I don't care for "survivor," either, because that conjures up an image of a plane crash, filthy clothes, and someone barely clinging to life. In the words of Clarissa Pinkola Estes, surviving as a goal isn't enough, we want (and deserve) to THRIVE.

I'm well aware that one size doesn't fit all - not in clothing, not in experiences or attitudes. Although my childhood was majorly screwed up in a variety of ways, I was also blessed with a healthy sexual education and was taught to believe that sex was a normal, desirable, and rather fun part of life, not something dirty or nasty of which I should be ashamed. I've experienced slut-shaming (and unwelcome sexual advances) by men who would've liked to have made me feel bad about being a sexual person, but it only swayed me for a little while.

I'm not suggesting if you or someone you love, have experienced childhood (or adult) sexual assault, that my life or attitudes are the way you/they "should" feel. I do want to encourage you that not only surviving, but thriving is possible.

Damage and recovery is impacted by who the abuser was; who, if anyone, ignored, condoned, or supported the abuse; if the abuse was one incident or many over a long period of time; how old the child was; his or her personality; what her/his experience was when s/he disclosed the abuse, and the support s/he did or did not receive.

Tyler Perry (Image via RottenTomatoes.com)A fourteen-year-old who gets flashed by a stranger in a parking lot will probably not be as traumatized as the child who is molested every other weekend by Grandpa beginning when s/he is eight and going on till s/he is eleven or twelve.

Still, rather than constantly dwelling on the terrible damage inflicted on childhood victims of sexual assault, I think we should spend as much or more time talking about the recovery, the possibilities for growth and bright futures, even for those who've been abused.

Reality: even those who have experienced horrific assaults upon their bodies have usually recovered and gone on to live successful and productive lives.

Oprah Winfrey. Tyler Perry. Jaycee Dugard. Teri Hatcher. Elizabeth Smart. This brave young woman, going by the name of Gypsy. Elisabeth Fritzl.

As one friend who was sexually molested by a neighbor beginning she was about eight, continuing for about a year, discussed with me, when somebody is in a car accident and it's reported in the news, usually there's also an accounting of the victim's condition. "So-and-so is in serious but stable condition at This-and-That Hospital. She is expected to make a full recovery." There's an implied social expectation that most people, even if severely injured, will recover from physical injuries.

Absolutely, psychological wounds can be deeper and harder to predict. Recovery can take a very long time - and there can be relapses, and dark times when the most "recovered" person struggles to get through the day, week, or even year. Sadly, some who experienced childhood sexual abuse do become depressed, and even commit suicide, but that isn't the way the story has to end.

We all have the power to write a happy ending to our story. No matter how horrific the experience, no matter how terrible our internal demons may be, we still have the strength to defeat them. If we believe recovery is unlikely/impossible - it will be. Part of why people learn to believe that is because of lies told by our abusers - that we deserved it, that's we're unworthy, that no one will want/respect us if people know what they did to us. And part of it is because society sometimes reinforces those lies, by making sexual abuse something that nice people don't talk/think about. By engaging in language that is victim-blaming, rather than empowering.

Which is where everyone can help.

If you are not living in a cave, but have friends and family, you know people who were sexually abused as children. Even if you don't know you know them, because they have never talked about it to you.

Create a safe space for children and adults by:

If I didn't know (now) this was Ted Bundy, serial rapist
and murderer, I would think he was hot.

Dropping the "rapists/child molesters are creepy-looking, easy to spot" mythos. Actually, they look just like everybody else. The press often feeds into this by posting the scariest-looking, most unflattering photos of those arrested or accused of sexual assault they can find. The unspoken message that is delivered to victims when people talk about how gruesome a rapist looks is, "You should have recognized that s/he was a pervert, and stayed away."
Teaching children they have autonomy over their own bodies. No tickling (unless they ask to be tickled, some kids do love it), no having to kiss Aunt Gertrude or sit in Santa's lap if they don't want to.
Educating yourself about sexual assault and rape. While it's good to educate children about "Stranger Danger," most child molesters are not random strangers, but a family member, family friend, teacher, coach, or neighbor, who has groomed the child by befriending him/her and building trust for a long time. Be aware of signs that a child seems uncomfortable around an adult, especially if this is someone who's been a best-buddy until recently. No matter who in the family it may be, do not dismiss the idea of sexual assault being possible, because your sister/husband/cousin would never do such a thing.
Teaching children proper terminology for body parts. Penises, vaginas, vulvas, nipples. Do your best not to impart shame to children about the way genital stimulation feels good, if they remark upon it during normal bathing processes. Or at other times. "Yes, Billy, it does feel good when you touch your penis, but it's not polite to do it when we're watching movies together as a family. If you want to share the popcorn, you need to go wash your hands now."
Being approachable. If a child begins to speak to you and tells you, "I don't like when we go to Uncle Jack's house," don't either shut them down and tell them they're silly, or launch into a white-light interrogation. Tease out, if you can, why the child doesn't like Uncle Jack's house. Maybe it's because Uncle Jack always yells when they change the TV channel, or they don't like Uncle Jack's grouchy parrot, or maybe it's something more serious. If there is something troubling going on, a child may or may not tell you right away.
Talking with other adults; admit how frightening you find the subject. Talk about your own experiences, being mindful about creating a conversational place where a victim would feel safe to share. Be conscious of whether what you have to share is in any way victim-blaming, "Why didn't those kids say something?" or "How could the parents not know?"
Avoiding the chest-thumping, self-aggrandizing statements, "I would have charged in there and kicked some a$$." Unless you have already behaved so in a similar situation, you don't know that. And even if that's true - so what? You didn't save those kids in that situation, but you want people to give you a medal or pat you on the back for being a potential hero? How does such a statement serve anything but your ego?

If a child confides a sexual assault to you:

Believe him/her.
Ensure the child's immediate safety. Better to "embarrass" a friend or family member over a false alarm than endanger a child.
Contact the authorities.
Give the child verbal, and if desired by the child, physical reassurance via hugs, etc., that s/he did nothing wrong. That s/he is brave and wonderful in your eyes.
Tell him/her that you are so glad and proud s/he told you, not "Why didn't you tell me before?"
Save your fury and wild grief and other extreme emotions for a time when you can safely vent, away from the child. S/he may have hesitated to tell you, because s/he feared you would react dramatically.

What other tips do you have about making it safe for a child, or an adult victim of rape or childhood sexual assault, to speak out? Are there any myths you'd like to see busted? Do you have a story you feel safe to share?

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Got Racism? Discrimination? MLK BlogFest on these Issues

2012-01-16T00:01:00.000-08:00

Taking about racism and discrimination; hell, even thinking about it, is not comfortable. Yet whether we think or talk about it, or avoid the subject, it's still the big elephant in the living room.

It may not be "nice," or "polite," or easy to talk about these things. But when we avoid discussion of them... they don't magically go away.

People didn't stop acting mean or stupid, just because we pretended the elephant wasn't there. Simply because now we don't say "the N word" in polite company doesn't mean the future is brighter for the average Black kid born into poverty.

As mentioned in my original post, discrimination isn't simply a Black-or-White issue. The bloggers below, and YOU, if you care to join in, are invited to discuss discrimination in all shapes, sizes and colors, from sexism to racism to prejudice against the differently-abled. What have your experiences been? How have you experienced discrimination? What are your thoughts and feelings on this subject?

MLK Memorial via Wikimedia Commons

We are all on this planet together, more of us every day. Perhaps we should figure out how to get along with each other a little better. IMO, that starts with listening to one another.

Please copy and paste the link to your specific blog post, not just your blog.

Looking forward to a thoughtful and civil discourse on the subject from all kinds of voices.
Thank you for participating.

I Don't Know What To Call You People MLK Day Blogfest

2012-01-15T23:58:00.000-08:00

Katherine & Harvey. They dressed like this a lot
- coordinating colors, mirrored. My (un)favorite was
the yellow top with olive green slacks for Green Bay
- and vice versa. Not sure whether they thought it was cute,
or it was their way of saying F-you to the haters.

Yeah, I know. Just somebody saying "you people" is offensive. But I still have a language problem, and I'd like to get that issue out of the way, first.

As she related in a phone conversation, my stepmother Katherine was born a Negro in 1922. (She was also sometimes labeled a mulatto, as her father was white.) Later, she became a colored person, and in the 1960's, she was black and beautiful. (The ignorant and bigoted, of course, would use the N-word in the most degrading tone possible.) "Now I'm supposed to call myself African-American," she said to me and my sister, somewhat plaintively. "I wish they'd make up their minds."

For a long-time, I've been using the term African-American, but lately I've noticed in blogs I follow by POC/People of Color, the term Black (capitalized) seems to be the most popular term. What to say/write? I've heard, for example, that some people who used to be called (physically) handicapped prefer the term handi-capable, and others find that appallingly cutesy and they prefer disabled. Others like differently-abled.

Those periodically or permanently disabled by mental illness would prefer we don't call them crazies, wackos, or nutjobs.

Hispanic or Latino? I think right now, Latino is the preferred designation. (Yes? No? Both?)

White Hispanic & Latino-Americans Image via Wikipedia

I'm not asking you to break out the hankies for me. I'm certain that all people who've experienced discrimination and oppression worldwide would be thrilled if their biggest dilemma was one of vocabulary, akin to choosing the proper salad fork.

I am asking you to grant me (and other poor, dumb, well-meaning people) the benefit of the doubt if occasionally I use a term which was the Politically Correct term to use, 10 years ago. Or even last week. By all means, bring me up to speed, but please understand I'm not deliberately trying to hurt others.

In fact, that is kind of the break I am asking you to give me, in all matters regarding racism and discrimination.

I "get" it. I have not lived in your skin. I have not been in a car while my boyfriend got his third DWB (Driving While Black) traffic stop in a week. I have not been followed around by a store owner with a hairy eyeball who assumed I was a thief based on my ethnicity. I have not been denied jobs, housing, or educational opportunities based on the color of my skin, my accent, my sexual orientation, or my physical inability to walk up a flight of steps. I can only imagine how hurtful and soul-scarring such treatment must be. I know that simply being born with white(r) skin, in America, has given me many privileges I'm aware of, and countless others I'm not.

On the other hand... I was born female. From the day I was born, I've been deemed "lesser" by some. I remember being passed over in school when I had my hand raised, and having teachers who actually said, when I led the class in an independent science study program, "You boys aren't going to let a girl beat you, are you?" I've been paid less than a man for doing the same work. I've been molested, raped, and beaten.

I've lived in a multi-racial household at a time when hardly anyone did, and gotten into fistfights over it. I've been the only white girl in a Black neighborhood, on the receiving end of a lot of hairy eyeballs, hoots and hollers. I've been mocked for not knowing how to plait hair or dance. At times when I've dated Black, I've gotten plenty of ugly comments, not just from whites, but from Black girls and women who deeply resent "some white bitch stealing our men."

So when somebody says to me, "You don't know what it's like to be treated as if you're a lesser being, or to be hated just for the color of your skin," I tend to bristle a little.

I think as human beings, we all have pain. Don't assume, because you see a happy smiling Caucasian face on my About Me page, or even in person, that I'm some airhead who thinks her shit don't stink and is oblivious to the pain and suffering of others. I don't know your pain, you're absolutely right, but I'm willing to listen. Explain it to me. Don't blow me off with "Somebody like you wouldn't understand." I might just understand some parts better than you think.

I "get" that you are probably real tired of having to explain the same shit, over and over again. But I would like us to be allies, not enemies. That means, I'm sorry to say, if you want me (and people like me) to care, you have to continue to educate me. I'm not going to be your enemy, regardless of how rude you might be to me, but if you continually insult me, I'm not going to make your cause a priority, either.

If I want someone to cease sexist behavior, I have to educate him as to what he's doing that is sexist, and why it's hurtful to me. Throwing up my hands and saying, "You're an asshole and you just don't get it," might be momentarily satisfying, but it doesn't accomplish the larger goal of achieving a change in attitude.

I do deeply want to get closer to a place where all human beings are indeed, valued for the content of their characters. I think it sucks that economic class and certain externals grant privilege to some and create disadvantages for others.

I ask myself all the time if I am being racist - and sometimes I get lost. For example, all Asian people do not look the same to me. My "adopted" Korean-Chinese son introduced a new girlfriend once, and wanted me to guess her ethnicity. I got it right - Chinese, and he was so proud of me. Generally I don't mix up Koreans, Vietnamese, and Japanese people. I see beautiful differences in the faces, hear it in the language (even if I can't understand it.) When I went to a co-worker's (mostly) Filipino wedding, I enjoyed the diversity in the different faces - some look Korean, some Latino, some Native American, and some could "pass" for Caucasian. Much like the United States, there isn't one Filipino "look."

Is it bad of me that I tend to look at people as individuals? That I think our differences are what make us beautiful and interesting?

While not every Black person has a "Black" voice, many have a distinct, warm, richness to their voices that simply isn't duplicated in Caucasian or Hispanic or Asian voices, no matter how vocally talented they may be. James Earl Jones, Maya Angelou and Barack Obama; Aretha Franklin, Ray Charles and Ludicris are just a few who come to mind. Is it racist of me to notice and appreciate this gift?

I want to respect those people who strong identify with a group, whether that identity is by birth, such as being Native American or deaf, or by choice, such as being a member of the Sierra Club. (None of which may be apparent at first glance.) Yet I don't want to treat people as if they are only a member of said group, either. And I tend to push back when one person claims to express the way "people who are XX think," without support to back up that statement.

Among Dr. Cornell West, Herman Cain, and 50 Cent, which gentleman represents "the way real Black men think"? All? None? The racial and cultural experience of Tennessee-born Henry Cho, above, is very different from that of his own father. Marc Rubio, politician, Floridian son of Cuban emigrés, has a life-story vastly unlike that of my Los Angeles-born co-worker of Mexican parents, or her undocumented alien Guatemalan husband, or that their two young children will have.

I don't think it's racist to tell someone, "I think you may represent the way some of the people in your group think or feel. I appreciate and respect your point of view. But I don't agree with it, nor am I yet convinced that the majority of people in 'your group' think that way, or 'should' think that way."

I'm also more than a little resistant to the pressure to feel some kind of cultural white guilt. My ancestors did not own slaves or displace Native Americans. Several fought in the Civil War for the Union side.

Which means... nothing. I don't feel I am entitled to either credit or blame for what my many times greats might have done. I'm sure that my ancestors, and your ancestors, and everybody's ancestors, behaved badly to somebody. There has to be some point where we stop squabbling about who first hurt who, like two little kids. "Mo-om, Cain pushed me." "Yeah, but Abel pushed me first!" "Well, Dad likes me best so there!" Remember how well that story turned out?

As far as assuming guilt for what other people did to Blacks, or Jews during the Holocaust, or the Armenian genocide, or that Helen Keller had a real rough time before Annie Sullivan came along... no, not buying it for my own personal use. The only load of guilt or shame I am willing to carry on my soul is what I have earned by my own stupid or thoughtless mistakes.

Frankly I find the idea of assigning blame/guilt to be needlessly divisive and a time-waster.

IMO, it would much more helpful to look at problem areas, all of us together, and see how they can be addressed. Have people within certain groups been disadvantaged to due to generations of prejudice and discrimination? Absolutely. Are some people still disadvantaged? Absolutely. How do we fix that?

I don't see racism and discrimination as something only whites do or that only Blacks suffer from. As I posted originally, a lot of people, including women, the differently-abled (crossing my fingers that's okay to say), Latinos, Asian-Americans, LGBT and countless other people who are "different" suffer from being judged by what they look like on the surface. By those outside their groups, and sometimes, by those inside it.

Children living in poverty - that's a big problem, one about which Dr. King was deeply concerned. How do we get them out? How do we reduce the numbers of children from being born into poverty?

I'm volunteering now, in my spare time, in a newly formed organization aimed at bringing reading and storytelling experiences to the youngest children in facilities generally overlooked, like homeless and battered women's shelters, and leaving each child with his/her own book. If we can introduce a love of story and an interest in reading from a very young age, it won't solve the problem, but perhaps it'll chip away at it a little bit. (You can Like it on FaceBook here; website is in the process of being designed.)

Rape, sexual assault, class warfare... all the ways in which people with power take unfair advantage of those who have less, these are issues about which we could all work together.

I think this would be the greatest tribute we could do for Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and all those who have worked to advance civil rights and against poverty and oppression.

Want to join this blogfest? Post your link HERE.

Your thoughts?

Dear Sir/Madam Political Correctness, I've Got A Small Bone to Pick Guest Post by TotsyMae

2012-01-11T05:00:00.000-08:00

Original Art by TotsyMae

Let's address this thing right here and now. I don't know if men folk are born to be tossing pom poms in the air or not. Neither do I know if women folk are born to be running a 50-yard dash, wearing a helmet and trying to score a touchdown. I think I know plenty but that one, I can't give a succinct answer to save my little life. I'm no scientist, biblical theologian or God, so like some of you folk out there, I've stopped scratching my head on the matter 'cause folk are coming out the closet like roaches with the Orkin man behind them, ain't they? I ain't trying to be funny or nothing but we need to put the truth out there the way it is and stop pussy-footing around the bush about it.

And maybe what I just said about the pom poms and touchdowns was insensitive or politically incorrect. I don't know. There are so very many correct ways of being politically incorrect, I suppose I'd best watch out before I get slapped with the homophobic badge.

Actually, I've become quite confused by what's politically correct or incorrect. I'm telling you, I'm watching my back now as I write this here article 'cause I may get billy clubbed by the Political Correctness Cop, which, by the way, is one for every ethnic group and movement America has ever birthed. There's the Disability Cop, African American Cop, Gay/Lesbian Cop, Feminist Cop, Immigrant Cop, and should I even say this? The Overweight Cop? You get my drift, right?

Though, am I wrong for saying Overweight Cop or is there a more appropriate title? I dare not say obese 'cause that sounds bigger than overweight. It would be cruel even though obese is still a word that represents folk who, well, have more than their fair share at the dinner table. And just so you'll feel better about my less sensitive frame of reference, I have tilted the scale a time or two myself. It's a bitch I know about which, I think, qualifies my use of the term.

In thinking about all of what may be politically correct or incorrect, I can't help being reminded on just how intrusive that is on my 1st Amendment rights. Am I wrong in believing there's something kinda messed up in revamping Mark Twain's classic, Huckleberry Finn? I suppose the folk on the Board of Political Correctness feels like in this "We Are the World" setting, the N word was just a bit much for the digital learners who are, well, not exactly reading Mark Twain, but dammit, his extravagant and over-usage of the word was too hard on the ear. So, there. Rewrite a classic and it'll discourage other folk from thinking it's okay.

And how pliant of some African Americans, in their creative and rich culture of language and euphemisms, to redefine the N word to mean love toward their fellow African American sister, brother, mother, grandfather, child...well, I know you get my drift. However, for those who don't understand the code of who should or should not say it, well, just do and you'll discover how politically incorrect you are. All that silly talk about using it to take its power away is one of the worst lies black folk ever told themselves 'cause soon as a nonblack folk raise up to say it, there's the power. Dare I spell the (ahem) N word, at the risk of the African American Cop shutting my computer down from the Cyber Office of African American Dos and You Better Hell Nots?

Signed,

Confounded Heterosexual African American Female Who Has an Affinity to Incessant Blabbing Off at Any Given Hour and Trying to Figure Out Where the Hell the Exit Door is Before She Ends Up Walking within Endangered Territories of All the Folk She Just Wrote About in this Here Blog Post 'Cause the Only Weapons She Carries Are the Words Laced on Her Tongue.

Excuse me Officer, but I was just hit by a tornado, or bus, name of TotsyMae. My fellow SheWriter and blogger has this to say about her amazing self:

I'm a writer, reader, visual artist, graphic designer, somebody’s momma and other stuff that’s good and not so good. I’m frank but shy, sensitive, and have the dry humor of a cynic but I’m positive, empathetic, judgmental, oppositional just because and working on all of the above. I’m a southern girl who’s adaptable, welcoming, stand-offish and curious.

Please join me in giving some love to Totsy for saying things most of us have thought from time to time, but were too afraid of the PC police to say out out.

And please consider joining me and lots of other writers, here, with a blogfest on MLK Day (Jan 16) on the subject of discrimination, racism, sexism, and other ways that people mistreat one another, because they have the power to do so. Follow the link FMI and for ideas on where to start, if you're not already chock full of good ones.

Winter Reads - Steamy, Funny, and Hated It TBR Challenge

2012-01-09T05:00:00.000-08:00

This is only a semi-NY resolution, not the full "thang," but I am whittling down my To Be Read List.

I also impulse-bought a couple other books, won some others (free always fits my budget), so I have a mixed bag to report upon.

The holiday goodies:

It Happened One Christmas - Kaitlin O'Riley - full length novel one hero and heroine. My review:

Sweet and tasty holiday treat. I loved the heroine, Lisette, and thought the author did a very skillful job of showcasing five sisters, alike yet different, not an easy job. It also really reminded me how delicious and hot it can be JUST to be kissed, thoroughly and well. (Though there is full consummation at the end.)

The subplot with Tom the street urchin felt a little distracting and repetitive in spots. Although I didn't know how, I knew he would be rescued in the end, so it was hard to feel fully vested in his peril. I very much liked how the romantic rivals for Lisette and Quinton were in and of themselves likeable characters, making that conflict much more intense.

Read it, you'll enjoy it!

**

Once Upon a Winter's Eve - Tessa Dare. I won this novella through posting a comment on The Dashing Duchesses. As noted, free always accommodates my budget nicely, I haven't read a Regency setting novel in ages, and I've wanted to sample Tessa's work for a long time. My review:

I didn't know what to expect. A little too busy re: number of characters, and I thought Violet was a bit too forgiving. Also - Violet Winterbottom? Really? It just sounds like a joke. The hero (whose name escapes me, but he's got 2-3, so it's not really my fault) recovers from his injuries and is ready to party, so to speak, a little earlier than is realistic, IMO.

However, the chemistry between the too characters is fun, the lovemaking is nice and juicy, and it ends with a Happily for Now. For a novella, that's pretty good, and I would certainly read other works by this author.

**

I'll Be Home for Christmas - Linda Lael Miller, Catherine Mulvany, Julie Leto, Roxanne St. Claire

This one was fun. Four stories of about 100 pages each. There was a bittersweet poignancy to Linda Lael Miller's Christmas of the Red Chiefs. The one jarring note in that story was the idea that a woman who hasn't sung at all in years could deliver a flawless soprano solo for a local TV crew on the spur of the moment. Uh, no, I'm not a singer and even I know that's not possible. But I liked the character and her love interest was perfect.

Catherine Mulvany's tale, Once Upon a Christmas, was beautifully layered, with that magical/mystical quality that makes a holiday tale that much more special. Loved loved loved the hero and heroine.

Meltdown by Julie Leto, brought some Latina flava to the collection, as well as a magical/paranormal element, though one rarely (ever?) sees Santa Claus and Mayans on the same page. Loved the story, and the tension between the hero and heroine made their consummation even hotter.

The heroine of Roxanne St. Claire's You Can Count on Me kicks ass, and not just in the figurative sense. It's tricky weaving a child into the plot without reducing heat, but she does a fine job. I want to go for a limo drive with a hot Russian former double-agent and some really fine vodka!

Great little book, I highly recommend I'll Be Home for Christmas to anyone looking for some spicy holiday romance.

**

The Perfect Christmas - Debbie Macomber

Macomber's been on my TBR list for a long time, and when I saw this, I picked it up, figuring, holidays, famous and prolific author, what could go wrong?

The heroine is too needy, and too conveniently dumb in some places and smart in others. The hero is the classic Mr. Unavailable. Apparently Ms. Macomber is not a fan of Baggage Reclaim, which is all about how women (and men) shouldn't chase after somebody who keeps pushing them away. The B storyline, a romance between the heroine's brother and her best friend - too obvious to everyone except the heroine.

There's a funny scene where the heroine is wearing an elf-costume and being dropped to her "gig" as Santa's helper, when her too-tight tights roll down, and the kids comment on seeing the elf's underpants. But, come on, all the other costume parts fit, but not the tights, and our fairly confident heroine doesn't ask the woman who's outfitting her for another pair, that actually do fit?

Channeling Men on Film, hated it. (and I know, one is never, ever supposed to diss another author - but I don't think I am going to destroy Debbie's career with one honest review. Besides...)

1105 Yakima Street - Debbie Macomber (A Cedar Cove Novel)
When I picked this up, from whence it had been languishing in my TBR file, I was scared I'd hate this one, too, but I thought it was a great book. A little hard in the beginning, to sort out who all the people were, but the love stories were believable, the characters and their problems were realistic and not too easily solved. (Except for the one, Leonard, who's never admitted he was wrong in 30 years of marriage, one family intervention and he's ready to be more open? Not gonna happen - or if it does magically happen, not gonna last. Macomber needs to do her research on OCPD and find out what true misery it causes those who live with Mr. or Ms. "Always Right.")

I really enjoyed the fact that Rachel and Bruce, with whom the story opens, don't magically solve their problems. They have problems at the beginning of the book, and are still struggling, if making progress, at the end. I felt the love in each storyline, and liked how sometimes love was enough to bring people together, but that it wasn't a magic wand.

I also read (hey, I was in bed with a bad head cold for all of NY weekend):

Jean Auel's The Land of Painted Caves because once I start something, I like to finish it, and I'd read all the others, really enjoyed most of them. Sadly, there really isn't a good story here. Not much conflict, until the very end of the book (825+ pages, mind you) and a lot a lot a lot of repetition. (Did I mention there was a lot of repetition?) Detailed description of the various interiors of painted caves, which is about as fascinating as watching the slides of your neighbor's European vacation - except, oops, the slide projector is broken, so he's going to tell you about each slide. And in this cave, the mammoths are facing each other - but in that one, they're facing the same direction.... For 15-20 locations. Nobody actually seems to want anything, but simply behave as Barbie dolls, being dressed and moved around. It was very disappointing.

Dee J. Adams' Dangerous Race. I tiptoed up on this book with mixed feelings. I've met Dee J. Adams through my local RWA chapter, and a sweeter, bubblier, more supportive writer doesn't exist. So I wanted to like her debut novel. Personal baggage - my crazypants ex loved his NASCAR, and if I never hear or see another checkered flag... It was challenging for me to even read a book with an auto-racing theme.

At the photo-finish, I would give this 4.5 out of five stars. Despite my ~~loathing~~ slight distaste for the world of auto-racing, Dangerous Race wrapped me up in it. She made me smell the ethanol and like it. I believed in the lead character, Trace, and her bumpy romance with her new crew chief. The only quibble I had was I thought the villain was too obvious, and there should have been more politicking behind the scenes re: said villain's personal goals. A pit crew is big - we should have seen more of the others being manipulated and taking sides, perhaps being used as unwitting stooges. However, the romance(s) and sex scenes were deliciously steamy, and the "feel" was right. Buy it, read it, you'll love it!

So, where am I on my personal TBR Challenge?:

It Happened One Christmas - Kaitlin O'Riley
The Birthday of the World - Ursula LeGuin
Messalina: Devourer of Men - Zetta Brown
Uncut Diamonds - Karen Jones Gowan
On Writing - Stephen King
Les Miserables - Victor Hugo
Daisy Miller - Henry James
Bet Me - Jennifer Crusie
Hot, Flat and Crowded - Thomas Friedman
Pleasure's Edge - Eve Berlin
Her Fearful Symmetry - Audrey Niffeneger
Falling Leaves - Adeline Yen Mah
Picture Perfect - Jodi Picoult
Giving Up the Dream - J.L. Campbell
Watching Willow Watts - Talli Roland
Shifters' Storm - Vonna Harper
Automagically - Sommer Marsden
You Can Heal Your Life - Louise Hay
The Hunger Games - Suzanne Collins
Little Black Dress - Susan McBride
Tourist Trap - Sue Ann Bowling
1105 Yakima Street - Debbie Macomber
Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
Confessions of an Improper Bride - Jennifer Haymore

The details and sign-up are at Vicky's blog, Books Biscuits and Tea.

Are there any books you're moved off your TBR pile so far this year?

Coming this Wednesday -

Guest Blogger TotsyMae has a bone or two to pick with Political Correctness.

Coming here this Monday - BlogFest on Martin Luther King Jr. Day about racism, sexism, and discrimination. Please join in!

#TomJones, Panty-Throwing, and Wild Dreams

2012-01-04T05:00:00.000-08:00

photo via librarising.com

Am I the only one who has weird, almost psychedelic dreams when coming down with a cold?

So the other morning, I'm in that twilight sleep stage, no longer asleep, not fully awake, and my sickly brain is obsessing over Welsh singing legend Tom Jones. Specifically, Tom Jones and the stories of women in the audience throwing their panties at him as he performs. My mind is full of questions...

Is it something that truly happens, or is it urban legend and PR? Why Tom Jones - and not, say, 50 Cent or Aerosmyth? Do women actually remove the underwear they are currently wearing and throw them at him, or do they bring clean ones from home (perhaps in a smaller size and sexier style)? What's the protocol when women from behind you are throwing their panties and they don't make the stage, perhaps land in your lap, or even your hair? [eeewwwh] Are you supposed to throw them forward, like batting a beach ball in the stands of a baseball game?

What happens to the panties after the show - is there a hazmat stage crew that gathers them up with latex gloves? Do they get washed and donated to charity, or just trashed? All these thoughts and more, churned in my sick brain, until I could crawl out of bed and do some research.

Luckily, the Interwebs are full of answers:

From NNDB.com

During a 1968 engagement at the Copacabana Club in New York, the air conditioning was not working well and Jones, as always giving every song everything he had, was drenched in his own perspiration. Between numbers, several women in the audience offered him their cocktail napkins to wipe his face. But one woman lifted her dress, removed her underwear, and handed that to Jones on stage. He says he was flabbergasted, but he wiped his face with it, and handed the woman her underwear back. A gossip columnist was present, and after the incident was mentioned in the next day's newspaper, throwing panties onto the stage became the thing to do at Jones's concerts.

from tomjones

So, that's how it got started, and became his "thing," although at this point, he's pretty much done with it. (I can see how it would become a tiresome distraction at this point.) In some venues, security will now prevent would-be panty-flingers from approaching the stage near enough to launch lace. Or the other ~~bitches~~ women in the pit do.

Few women actually wear and remove their underwear anymore. (Lazy sluts!) A handful of men are chucking their boxers these days. In some venues, it seems that the women themselves approach the stage after the shows to collect their knickers, ideally after The Voice has deigned to touch them or mop his brow with them.

A few things struck me, as I was satisfying my brain fogged curiosity.

First - the guy really does have an amazing voice. Many men don't still have a powerful voice as they age - he does. He sings a variety of material in all kinds of different styles and does it well. Yes, there are back-up singers and so forth, but that voice isn't overdubbed or "helped," it's all him.

TJ looks damn good for an old man. Now, rumor has it this is not all good genes and healthy living, but he's had plenty of "work done." Still.

Incredible stage presence. When Tom Jones takes the stage, he takes the stage. I could see myself giving him the panties I was wearing, or Any Thing Else He Wanted, whether we're talking young Tom or old Tom. I watched lots of clips, read lots of reviews, and nobody said in any review that he was ever "phoning it in." For a guy who's done as many shows as he has, that says a lot. Everybody who's seen a Tom Jones show ended up a fan, whether they started out one or not.

Plus I loved the way he poked fun at himself with his cameo in Mars Attacks! Or the way in some shows he'll joke that a piece of thong underwear is an eyepatch.

&lt;p&gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&lt;/p&gt;

Now... how can I work this into a novel somewhere? I'd love to catch a Tom Jones show and write it off as a business expense!

Do you have weird wild dreams when you're under the weather, too? Are you a TJ fan, past or present? Got a panty-tossing experience you care to share?

Happy Blogoversary to Me What I've Learned In A Year of Blogging

2011-12-28T05:00:00.000-08:00

Why would anyone want to listen to me? Because - who better to give someone advice about avoiding stepping in poop than somebody who's stepped in a whole bunch of it?

I have learned...

* there is no one GREAT commenting system to rule them all. Blogger's built-in system sucks rocks for all non-Google peeps. The Wordpress feature where you naively "subscribe to replies" because you want to see what other people say about your comment, and get ten bazillion e-mails that are the replies to all comments ain't any improvement, IMO. So far, I'm liking mine (Intense Debate) and Disqus best. They all have drawbacks and technical challenges, and we all have to make adjustments.

* There isn't enough time to work a day job, write & pretty-up my own blog posts, work on my novel, read all the cool blogs out there, and still have time to wipe myself after I... step in cow poop. Just isn't. Sacrifices must be made.

* The blog police won't come and get me if I skip a post or several. Nor if I "settle" for less than the perfect picture. (However, photos of hot, shirtless firefighters are always appropriate, regardless of blog subject matter. They just are.)

* I enjoy blogging more than I ever thought I would.

* Blogging helps prime the pump, sometimes, when I am stuck on my "real" writing. It can also be an enticing distraction, like cheating on a spouse... I know I should be working on the novel, but I'm just gonna read a couple more blog posts...

* Readers like funny posts better than Serious Ones. No problem, I'll just be funny all the time, right? Easy-peasy. If only...

* My personal jury is still out on the usefulness of Zemanta for me.

* Not all poetry on the Interwebs is laughably bad. Some is truly amazing, and I mean, that without any double meanings. Still, best not to read internet poetry on your lunch hour if you have a tendency to choke or spew liquids.

* The posts where I worried I'd get the most hate mail/comments, have been generally very supportive. It's a (very small) handful of other ones where some people went... strange on me.

* Blogging Groups - where everyone posts on a weekly theme, then tries to visit and comment on everybody in the group - can be very helpful. They can also feel very overwhelming. I learned not to beat myself up for joining several such groups, and later dropping out.

* I've learned not to be a genre snob. Some of the best writing advice and kindest support has come from peeps who don't write in "my" genre (smutty rom-com).

* Comparisons are invidious and insidious and icky. I'll look at my Follower count and compare to somebody else who started blogging around the same time I did, and get all smug and full of myself. Then I'll see the astronomical Follower count of someone else who also started the same time I did, and feel like the last girl picked for the volleyball team (and dammit, I'm a good volleyball player).

It's much easier said than done, but I'm trying to get past the whole angst of competition for Google Followers. There are many variables that influence a Follower count - contests, family followers, and yep, sometimes people just like that other blog better. All I can do is the best I can do, in the time I can make available to do it, and trust that over time, this blog will "settle" at the right size. Truly, it's not my goal to have the biggest number of blog followers anyway, it's to have the biggest number of readers buying my (not yet published) book.

Here's some of my actual F2F (Face 2 Face) fellow blogger meets. They are all incredibly nice and write interesting and funny blogs and you should Follow or at least check 'em out because they are awesome (and they didn't even pay me to write that):

Carolyn West of This Talk Ain't Cheap
Sidney Patrick of My Mother in Law is Still Sitting Between Us...
Arlee Bird of Tossing It Out who also runs the A-Z Challenge
Brenda Moguez of GrrlGuide

Oodles of Writing-related Goodness Found Here:

Author Roni Loren's Fiction Groupie
Agent Rachelle Gardner
Agent Janet Reid
Agent turned Author Nathan Bransford
Agent Janice Hardy's The Other Side of the Story
Author Jody Hedlund
Mooderino's Funnily Enough
Missed Periods and Other Grammar Scares
Nina Badzin's A Mom in the Middle

Prompts & Groups I like, that you might like:

Liz Shaw's The Writing Reader
The Word Nerd Speaks aka Beth Grace, on FaceBook as GBE2
Romantic Friday Writers
Karen Wojcik Berner's Bibliophilic Blather. She regularly offers a "home" to short stories, so if you're a flash fiction afficionado (trying saying that three times really fast!) stop by for some reading - or submitting pleasure.
Blogging from A to Z April Challenge
SheWrites
SoCalLadyBloggers - blog + FaceBook Group
Writer Unboxed - both a great blog by multiple contributors, and a FaceBook group.

These blogs I read because they make me laugh, cry, or both - in the best way:

Ruth Madison
Kiru Taye
J.L. Campbell's Snippets and Splashes
Amber West's A Day Without Sushi
Stacy Green
Deanna Fry's My One Woman Show
Kelly Hashway
Annie Boreson
TotsyMae Who'll be guesting here on Jan 11, woo-hoo!
Bella's One Sister's Rant
Such a Nice Guy, Phil Torcivea -
Single Dad Laughing
Cake Wrecks
The Bloggess

These blogs feed the Spirit and the Soul (yes, writers do so have a soul!):

Jodi Aman's Heal Now and Forever
Lori Deschene's Tiny Buddha - Simple Wisdom for Complex Lives
Brene Brown's Ordinary Courage
Louise Gallagher's Recover Your Joy
Kristen's The Spirit That Moves Me
Band Back Together

I do have, oh, a couple hundred more favorite blogs (probably yours. I'm sorry I was too tired and lamebrained to include it, above, but will plug it, soon.)

I can't wait to find what another year or two of bloggy learning and friends will bring.

This will be my last post of 2011 - so tell me, in the comments below, how long have YOU been blogging? If more than a year, what surprised you in Year Two as compared to Year One? How about Year Three? Beyond that...?

Happy Digital Holidays!

2011-12-21T05:00:00.000-08:00

Did you find this as hilarious as I did?

When it comes to social media, I'm still swimming in the shallow end of the pool. I don't have a smartphone and I don't even Tweet every day (the horror!) - but I do have this blog, a FB fan page [batting my eyelashes at you, don't you want to Like it?] and I have texted from time to time.

Image via CrunchBaseAt least I'm in the pool. I have friends who look down their noses at social media - until they have a new book to sell or class they are teaching or in some other way they want to promote themselves. They'll jump onto FaceBook, and Twitter, or send out a flurry of e-mails, but it's almost all one-sided. And then, months of nothing. These are the people who, when you visit their blog and leave a comment, never, ever return the courtesy. You people are annoying as hell. (I can say this freely, because they would have to read my blog to become offended. Fat chance of that.)

However, those of you plugged in all the time... you can be annoying too. Once in a while, think about using that old fashioned Social Media, F2F (face to face). Besides, sometimes you simply aren't as smart as your phone.

Don't broadcast that you are away from home. Think twice about using Foursquare when you are out running errands. You know in the scenario above, Melchior's kids had a big party and drank all the booze, Balthazar's brother-in-law borrowed the family camel and smashed a taillight, and Gaspar's stereo and computer got 'jacked.

Tweeting that you're headed to Cancun for two weeks, unless you have a big burly housesitter, is not a good plan. Just Don't. Save posting vaca pics until your return. Talk to your kids and don't let them announce to their friends on FaceBook, "I'm home alone and the house is making all kinds of creepy noises, I'm so scared." (As a niece of mine did, when she was 14.) Look carefully at photos before you recklessly share them online - do they offer clues as to easy access to your home, where the security systems are, etc?

Image via CrunchBaseBeing safe, during the holidays and at all times, is more important than sharing minutia about your life. It just is.

And never, ever, text while driving. It is just as dangerous as driving while drunk (which you should never do, either). Let me also put in a plug for not texting/chatting while pushing a baby stroller and crossing the street. (I'm talkin' to you, Sherman Oaks!) Trust me, whatever you are texting or talking about can wait an entire ten seconds while you steer your baby out of the range of people (who may also be distracted by texting) driving potentially lethal vehicles.

I'm still trying to get up to speed on all the bright shiny electronic gadgets that prevent us from getting too close to one another by keeping in touch digitally. I get it that, like it or not, social media is here to stay. Mostly, I like it, but I don't want to be dumb about it, either.

What am I doing for the holiday weekend? Probably just stay home, cleaning my guns and checking my ammo. How about you?

Are you in for the MLK blogfest? If you've got time on your hands, you could start writing your post now.

Once You Go "E" You Won't Want To Go Back Guest Post Karen Wojcik Berner

2011-12-19T05:00:00.000-08:00

Thank you so much, Beverly, for inviting me to guest post on your wonderful blog.

It was an exciting time, back in March 2010, when I released A Whisper to a Scream (The Bibliophiles: Book One) as an e-book. Electronic publishing was relatively young. Kindle sales were beginning to rise. The Nook was less than six months old. iPads were not on the market yet. The first indie superstar, Karen McQuestion, was generating some buzz. Amanda Hocking was just about to upload the first of her barrier-breaking novels.

My participation in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award competition convinced me my manuscript might have a chance in the marketplace. It had placed well enough and had garnered some good reviews, even from Publishers Weekly. It had been vetted by two English professors, several beta readers, and a professional editor. Even Peter Gabriel had given me consent to quote one of his songs in it. If it was good enough for the God of Music, as I like to refer to him, it was time to get this book out. I decided to release it first as an e-book to test the waters, to see if it would stick.

The first year A Whisper to a Scream (The Bibliophiles: Book One) was available was like a master class in e-publishing. I hit every online forum. Read every article I could find. Scanned through Kindle Boards for hours on end to soak up as much information as possible. Sales went well enough each month to tease me along, despite the overwhelming information dump I was trying to digest.

Here is an example of what it felt like. About two weeks ago, I bought this top that is either the coolest, most artsy shirt ever or a goofy, multicolored thing that looks like a shortened choir robe. Great buy or folly? I do not know for sure. Mix that feeling with coordinating marketing plans, soliciting for reviews, purchasing ad space and social networking. Write a blog. Create a website. Join the online book forums. Be approachable. My insides churned rapidly on a daily basis.

Had I made the right choice? I really believed in this story, so I forged on.

About a year later, I started running into people around the neighborhood who told me they had wanted to read my book, but didn’t have e-readers. It was time to release a paperback to cover both audience bases.

Today, I still sell more e-books than physical, typically by a 7:1 ratio, so, needless to say, my decision-making anxiety has been banished. The learning never stops, of course, but now, at least the foundation has been laid. It will be much easier this spring, when I release the second novel of The Bibliophiles series about book club member Catherine Elbert’s journey bouncing from coast to coast in search of her true self.

Please leave Karen some love. Because she's awesome and answered questions you really wanted to know, not simply because if you leave a comment, you could win an e-copy of A Whisper To A Scream! (Oops, did I say that out loud?) Or, you could buy a copy right now. And follow her blog, so you are the first to know when the next book comes out.

P.S. Are you in for the MLK BlogFest?

Are You Homonym-phobic? #Mancandy & Bear Traps

2011-12-14T05:00:00.000-08:00

When I get a peek at a photo of a nearly naked
hottie, it usually piques my interest. I may even
hum, "Climb Ev'ry Mountain," thinking of a very
different kind of peak. (Got dirty mind?)

Source: facebook.com via Beverly on Pinterest

English is full of ~~bare~~ bear traps to catch the unwary, and one of the ways a novel or blog post may ~~bear~~ bare an author's lack of English mastery, is misuse of homonyms.

Homonyms are those tricky words that sound the same, but are spelled differently. Some are fairly easy to avoid - those tiny pests ruining your picnic and getting into the Cocoa Krispies are most likely ants, not aunts. (Although I do like my picnics and Cocoa Krispies, and I am an aunt.)

Others I ~~sea~~ see all the time. This is a website. It may, in fact, be a terrible sight to see, but that's the risk you take on the interwebs. On the other hand, if you like it, you may cite references from it, provided you give proper acknowledgement.

Spell-check alone will not help you with homonyms. Spell-check is too easy when it comes to properly spelled words. Easy like taking your drunken, slutty aunt to pick out a prom dress. "That one's be-yoo-tiful.   Yes, your ladybits are hanging out, so what? Oooh, I like that one, too. No, not too lowcut; everybody likes a little nipple. Let's score us mondo amounts of chocolate and scope out more mancandy for our Pinterest board."

Recently I read a (self-pubbed) book where, sadly, there was an indiscreet use of the word discretely, meaning individually, when the author meant discreetly, keeping it on the down low.   Simple transposition, could be a totally forgivable typo, except that by using it in several places, it was clear the author and her editor did not no know the difference.

Especially if you are planning to ~~pedal~~ peddle your own work via self-publishing, you need to appear as professional and polished as possible. Don't assume a) if you don't know the difference, nobody else will, either, b) if someone does spot several of these, they'll be so enthralled by your brilliant writing they won't care, or c) your editor will catch it. ~~Paws~~ Pause and take a few moments to review a list of homonyms. ~~Yule~~ You'll know which ones give you trouble, and which don't. Do a search in your document for the ones that you feel uncertain about, and make sure you are using these words correctly.   ~~Oar~~ Or you may turn some readers off entirely.

I will not say ~~neigh~~ nay, if you make a few mistakes, because I make a few myself, but anything that slaps the reader in the face and takes him/her out of the story is a bad idea. If I'm in the middle of reading a hot sexy scene, I don't want to hear about the hero's mussels, okay? (Even if he is a fisherman.) If they're getting playful with food, I don't want to read that he dabbed chocolate moose on her noes.

Here's a fine example of muscles in the sea.

Source: google.com via Beverly on Pinterest


These are mussels from the sea. See the difference? via Wikipedia.org

Here's hoping this post incited you to gain a deeper insight as to the horror of homonyms. And that you await my next post with bated (not baited, see above, fisherman, yuck!) breath.

Which homonyms drive you crazy when you "C" them?

P.S. - Coming on Monday - Karen Wojcnik Berner on Adventures in E-Publishing.

Love in An Elevator (How To Make a Great Elevator Pitch)

2011-12-12T05:00:00.000-08:00

It's not fair. It's hard enough to sit behind a monitor and come up with witty, pithy remarks for our characters, but we've got to pitch them, too? In person?

I'm afraid so, Brad.

As a screenwriter or freelance writer, pitching is part of the job. As a novelist, more and more that's also part of the publishing game.

As writers, we have to realize we are not simply selling a finished product, like a car, take it or leave it. If it's a screenplay, we are selling our love for it, excitement, and the ability to think fast on our feet - because screenwriters must be ready and able to make changes and edits, as the project requires.

If it's a novel, we still must show that we can deal with questions, edits, changes. That we'll be able to present our work at readings, radio interviews, and deal with the book-buying public, all without crumbling into a heap and crying.

It's not just about this particular project, but the five that follow it. Are we presenting ourselves as someone this agent will want to work with, today, tomorrow, for years to come?

We are truly selling... ourselves.

(btw, the lovely and super-talented Rochelle Staab, who plays the agent here, is not only an actress but an author, with Who Do, Voodoo? a murder mystery currently burning up the charts.)

Here's another clip on "how to" create an elevator pitch, geared towards selling oneself as a job applicant.

Recently I heard a number of screenwriters practice their pitches, and one thing that struck me, is none of them seemed to "get" the concept of "always leave them wanting more." There should be enough detail to satisfy basic questions. Is it actually a story? Is it a clone of 20 other movies or books released last year? Who's the protagonist? What's unusual about this story?

From agent Rachelle Gardner:

In the words of my friend the Query Shark (agent Janet Reid), your pitch needs to show:
1. Who is the protagonist?
2. What choice does s/he face?
3. What are the consequences of the choice?

Just to be safe, take a step back from your query. Make sure your book has a protagonist with a choice to face (a conflict), obstacles to overcome, a desired outcome, and consequences (the stakes) if the goal is not reached.

It is okay, in fact, it is good if after the 30 seconds or two minutes is over, the agent or producer to whom we are pitching wants to ask questions. It is not good if they nod off in the middle, or the pitch is so muddied with the various subplots that nobody knows who's on first.

This may sound obvious, since you're a writer - but write it down. Write out a two minute pitch (2 double spaced pages = roughly two minutes) and a 30 second one (roughly 3/4 of one page, double-spaced.) In that two page draft - what's there, what's missing? Add the crucial elements, and get rid of the rest. Do the same with the 30 second, elevator pitch (no matter how much it hurts).

Don't memorize, learn to tell it as a story. It's okay if you change it from what's written down - that's only a guide to make sure you have all the important parts included, and is not running over. Match the style of your work - if it's funny, make sure your pitch includes humor. If your work is straight drama, don't write a slapstick pitch.

If you have enough time to know to whom you will be pitching, do your homework. For example, if I was planning to pitch to, oh, let's say, story editor Chris Lockhart of WME, at the Alameda Writers Group meeting on January 7, I'd take the time to Google him. Maybe even read his blog.

Not that I would pretend to be his new best friend, but it just might offer a way to make a connection. Sometimes, of course, we run into an agent, publisher or producer without any prep time, but if you know you'll have a pitch opportunity, show some respect. Despite rumors to the contrary agents and others in the industry do want to say yes, not no.

Got a good (or bad) pitch story?

Please share in the comments.

Btw, are you in on the MLK blogfest? Details here.

Top Ten Lame Reasons You Broke It Off Guest Post by Deanna Fry of MyOneWomanShow

2011-12-07T07:10:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been at your wits end with a relationship and didn't know how to break it off? I've been there and I'm sure we all have. You never want to break anyone's heart, no matter how much they suck. So here are the excuses I've given my ex-boyfriends when I've wanted out of the relationship, but didn't know how to tell them.

There are good reasons to break up.

These are not them.

#10 It’s not you, it's me!
Translation: "Of course it’s you dumb ass! Why else would I be breaking it off? You are getting on my damn nerves and I can't take it anymore. You won't clean up after yourself, you don't take a bath every day and your nosey ass mama is always in our business."

#9 I need to focus on my career.
Translation: "At least a have a job you lazy bum! I know the economy is bad, but dag, you can't even go get a job at the mall or something? Plus your child support payments to your 4 kids with your 3 baby mamas are cutting into our finances and killing my Louis Vuitton fund."

#8 I am trying to get closer to Jesus!
Translation: "I know you won't be able to argue with me about my relationship with God. So, just to avoid hearing your mouth about me leaving, I'm going to use the Lord and Savior as a way to make a gracious exit."

#7 I need to focus on my family, they really need me now.
Translation: "My family hates your guts! And my dad would write me out of the will if I married your loser ass!"

#6 We are moving in different directions.
Translation: "This relationship isn't going anywhere. You won't ask me to marry you even though we've been dating for 10 years and I had your 3 kids. Why in the hell are you still afraid of committing to me? It’s not like anyone else would put up with you!"

#5 You are too good for me.
Translation: "I'm the one that's too good for you. I know I can do better. I'm not sure what I was thinking when I got into the relationship in the first place. I guess you were just the rebound...the jump off!"

#4 I care about you too much to hold you back.
Translation: "I love me too much to keep dating you! You are totally on some other stuff I can't get with, so I'm just going to let you go, so you can fail on your own and not drag me down with you!"

#3 We have grown apart.
Translation: "I no longer find you attractive, but I can't say that because then I'll feel guilty. Oh, by the way, good riddance."

#2 We just aren't compatible.
Translation: "Sex with you is just horrible and I can't take faking another orgasm. I've tried to give you hints but you won't listen. Even when I brought the vibrator to bed and excluded you from the fun...you still didn't get it! Besides...I'm disgusted by the idea of you naked."

#1 My husband wouldn't approve of us dating.
Translation: "I want to get away from your crazy ass so badly I'm willing to lie about being married. Now that's a damn shame."

---------

Guest blogger Deanna Fry is a TV news producer and magazine writer by day. At night, she is a single woman on the prowl for Mr. Right, using her good natured humor and stunning good looks to lure the perfect man (thus far she's been unsuccessful!) She's a fellow SheWriter and blogs at My One Woman Show (www.MyOneWomanShow.com).

[And... a little birdie told me it's her birthday today! How cool is that, it's her birthday, and I get the present Please join me below in thanking Deanna for a fabulous, funny post, and wish her a happy birthday already. She writes damn well for someone who's clearly only 19, doesn't she?]

I Have A Dream - MLK Blogfest Let's Discuss Racism & Discrimination

2011-12-05T06:07:00.000-08:00

I know. It's the holidays. People want to focus on the warm and fuzzy, and avoid that which makes us uncomfortable.

Taking about racism and discrimination; hell, even thinking about it, is not comfortable. Yet whether we think or talk about it, or avoid the subject, it's still the big elephant in the living room.

I don't want to interrupt your holidays, whether you celebrate Chanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Solstice, New Year's, or Other Holiday Not Specified Here. Go. Get your holidays on. I hope they are wonderful, and that your family, friends and activities are less dysfunctional and stressful than they normally are.

But I do want to plant a seed. Sooner than we like to think, the holidays will be upon us, and then in the United States, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day (January 16, 2012) will be here. I have often wanted to write a piece during that week, but have hesitated to do so because I didn't have time to carefully approach what I wanted to say, and it's an explosive subject. I don't think I'm the only one with that problem.

I'm inviting you to join me for a serious (or lighthearted, if that suits your style and you can manage it) discussion on racism and discrimination, by posting about this subject on your blog on Monday, January 16. I'll put up a Linky List on January 15, but am announcing now, so you have an opportunity to think about what you'd like to write.

There's an urban legend that scientists took a brown monkey, dyed it pink, and put it back into the cage with its mates who killed it for being wildly different. I couldn't find any links to document such an experiment, but we accept it as true, probably 1) because we've been hearing it for a long time, and 2) because it makes sense to us. Robert Heinlein (and probably others) have pointed out that in every culture and every language, there is some way to say, "He is a stranger, therefore a barbarian." He's not one of us.

Racism and discrimination isn't simply a black-and-white issue, at least in the USA. We include people of all religions, skin tones, ethnic backgrounds, and abilities, and despite the fact that most of us get along fine most of the time, discrimination and the economic and social cost of past and current racism still exists.

No question, there are still too many bigots with white(r) skin who believe they are better than people with dark(er) skin, based purely on pigmentation. There are also those within the Black/African-American community who favor those with lighter skin or straighter hair, or despise Latinos and Asians. There are Cuban-Americans who take great pride in not being Puerto-Rican or Mexican-Americans, thank you very much! There is nepotism and cronyism among some Jewish-Americans in the entertainment industry.

My son (on right) with one of his long-time best buddies.
Brian (who also calls me Mom) is Chinese-Korean,
and designs drop-dead gorgeous clothing for a line called In Vein.
(Yes, they're real tall: 6'6" & 6'4".)

Asian-Americans come in as many "flavors" as Latino peoples; they are Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Vietnamese, and much more, not simply "Orientals," and there is racism within those communities too. In Los Angeles, where I live, there is a large Armenian community. Some have assimilated into American culture and customs, others not so well (or, perhaps, too well). Technically Armenians are not a separate race, but the culture clash is very real and ongoing.

Not there's any one American culture. I grew up in an interracial family. I live, date, work, shop and socialize with Latinos, Blacks, Filipinos, Jews, LGBT, Middle Easterners, Native Americans, Asians, people in wheelchairs and many others not like me. My next-door neighbors are a friendly young married couple: he's from Brazil (where they speak Portuguese) but his first language is Italian; she's a dark-complexioned East Indian with awesome librarian-style glasses who talks like a Valley-Girl. Like, OMG, totally.

Women face sexism and discrimination. African-American men were granted the right to vote before American women of any color. Barack Obama, the first President of the USA who wasn't a white male, wasn't female, either. Women and girls all over the planet face gender-specific abortion, abandonment, forced child bride marriages, rape, beatings, mutilation, and poverty, just because they are female.

People who are differently-abled battle a hostile environment simply to negotiate public buildings and transportation, let alone to date, get jobs, and be part of the larger community. Just because their eyes, ears, or legs aren't fully functional, some people simply look at the differently-abled and dismiss them as lesser.

Those who are lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, transgender, or otherwise clearly "different" in their expression of sexuality may be considered and treated as sexual deviants and outcasts.

And speaking of the elephant in the room, why is it that for many, it's always open season on fat people? What about the social perception that overweight = disgusting/lazy/bad, while slender = attractive/active/good, and it's okay to ridicule and discriminate against people based on their size?

I don't think I can cover racism and discrimination, in its blatant or covert forms, in one blog post, or even a thousand. But perhaps together we can shed some more light on the subject.

This speech always makes me cry, but not without hope. I truly share the dream that someday, we human beings can get past the BS and treat each other with fairness, dignity and respect.

Tossing out some ideas on where to start (feel free to go off wherever the subject leads you):

Am I prejudiced/racist/sexist? In what ways?
Am I aware of the ways in which my society grants (or denies) me privilege?
As a writer, do I seek to include characters who are "other" than my own groups? If not, why not? If I do, do I make great efforts to research and present them fairly, or do I go for the easy stereotypes because it saves time?
Do I bend over backwards to deny that some individuals do fit old tired stereotypes and insist that they should be excluded from any consideration of what white / Black / Hispanic / Asian / Jewish / Christian / fat / thin / differently-abled / homosexual people are really like because I find their behavior offensive?
Do I have friends who are different from me, or do I "stick to my own kind"?
If I have friends or co-workers who are "other," do I allow one or two to represent all "those people" in my mind, or do I recognize they are individuals?
If someone tells a racist or sexist joke or makes a bigoted remark in front of me, what do I do? Does it make a difference in how I react if the person telling it is my boss, my mother-in-law, my preacher? If I'm in a group of people, all laughing or agreeing? Should it?
Is it possible to be a member of a minority group and still behave in a racist manner towards other minorities, or towards those I perceive as being privileged? Or should people in traditionally oppressed groups get a pass because they are rightfully angry?
Is it okay to "stick to my own kind" in dating? Why or why not?
What if my dating preference is outside "my own kind?" Am I creating a fetish of the "other," or is this as normal and acceptable as a preference for hair color, height, or shared religious values?
If I live outside the United States, what kinds of discrimination issues are there in my country or community?
What, if any, was the most hurtful discrimination I have personally experienced?
What was the most racist/insensitive thing I have done, either inadvertently, or deliberately? If I had it to do it again, what would I do differently?
Martin Luther King, Jr. had his flaws (and affairs), as did many who have advanced human rights throughout the centuries. Does this strengthen or detract from the impact of their message(s)? Why can I look past this - or why can't I?
Besides Rosa Parks, women in the civil rights movement are not generally recognized, although they were key figures. Why does (or why doesn't) this bother me?
What do I see as the most pressing issue/concern regarding discrimination? Is it more important to focus on one facet - racial discrimination, say, or discrimination against women or the handicapable? Or should we try to address all forms of discrimination together?
What seems better than it was ten or twenty years ago, and what seems worse? Is it truly worse, or is that simply my perception because the bad incidents stick more in my mind?

If you'd like to join this blogfest, please leave your name & link in a comment, below, if you'd like a reminder or e-mail me at bevdiehl (at) gmail (dot) com. (Or, you can jump in at the last minute, too - but I can only send reminders to the people I know about.)

I may not be a little white girl, or from Alabama, but I'm reaching out my fat, white, (currently) able-bodied, female cisgendered hand to any and all who want to move beyond skin color and other superficiality, to valuing one another according to the content of our characters.

P.S. Coming this Wednesday - Deanna from My One Woman Show is promising me something spicy and fun. Please come back and check her out.

Bad Kissing 101 - Have You Taken This Class?

2011-11-30T06:01:00.000-08:00

by Idea go at Free Digital Photos

I'm guesting today at Deanna Fry's One Woman Show, about my sadly extensive experience with bad kissers. Come join the fun and share your own stories!

I Can't Refuse A Challenge

2011-11-28T05:00:00.000-08:00

Actually, I can, I told NaNo oh hell no. But a reading challenge? A challenge to read (and review) the books already in my TBR stack and queue? Why not?

(That's a rhetorical question. I don't really want your help here. I can make up my own ~~excuses~~ answers just fine. )

The details and sign-up are at Vicky's blog, Books Biscuits and Tea.

My TBR list of 11-20 for 2012 qualifies me for a Friendly Hug, so far (you're allowed to change, and move up a level, but no moving down):

Cover via AmazonThe Birthday of the World - Ursula LeGuin
Messalina: Devourer of Men - Zetta Brown
Uncut Diamonds - Karen Jones Gowan
On Writing - Stephen King
Les Miserables - Victor Hugo
Daisy Miller - Henry James
Bet Me - Jennifer Crusie
Hot, Flat and Crowded - Thomas Friedman
Pleasure's Edge - Eve Berlin
Her Fearful Symmetry - Audrey Niffeneger
Falling Leaves - Adeline Yen Mah
Picture Perfect - Jodi Picoult
Giving Up the Dream - J.L. Campbell
Watching Willow Watts - Talli Roland
Shifters' Storm - Vonna Harper
Automagically - Sommer Marsden
You Can Heal Your Life - Louise Hay
The Hunger Games - Suzanne Collins (yes, I know I am way late to the party. Bite me!) Little Black Dress - Susan McBride
Cover of The Hunger GamesTourist Trap - Sue Ann Bowling
1105 Yakima Street - Debbie Macomber
Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
Confessions of an Improper Bride - Jennifer Haymore

~~War and Peace~~ - uh, no. Someday, but not as part of this challenge

Yes, I know there are more than 20 listed. Thinking it's an eyes too big for my stomach here - if I can read and review even one book per month, while not slacking off on my day job and my own writing, my cat will be so proud of me. If some months I can do two, cool. But as far as committing - I'm only committing to 12.

In fact, this has got me so inspired I'm going to start in December, with these books:

A Whisper to a Scream - Karen Wojcik Berner (who will be guesting on this blog on December 19, woo-hoo!)
A Walk in the Snark - Rachel Thompson
It Happened One Christmas - Kaitlyn O'Riley

Even if you don't officially join the challenge, how about making a list of 12 books - one per month - to move off your TBR list in 2012?

Are any of mine the same as yours?

Want more info about how/why I chose the books I did?

*Beverly Diehl's Writing in Flow*

Hungry, Miserable & Watching Whittling Down my TBR List

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