WTF, Sky Mall?

Orbitwheels are Moon Shoes 2.0.

2010-10-29T10:30:00.001-04:00

Essentially, Orbitwheels are the Moon Shoes of the 21st century. They look and sound just cool enough to kids to make people want them, but they never live up to the promise.

I miss my Moon Shoes so much... I found my old pair as an adult, but as soon as I put them on all the rubber bands snapped - at the same time that my heart broke.

Sky Mall says:

"Countless tricks and maneuvers can be as creative as your imagination! With the Orbitwheels minimalist design, fun and transportation have never been so portable and convenient. Enjoy on a variety of different surfaces. No need to fuss with buckles and flaps - just step into the hoops and take off."

"No buckles or flaps required!"

Orbitwheels have two issues when you break it down. First is that nothing is holding your feet together, so a majority of your effort will be keeping yourself from doing the splits. Secondly, they make you look like a tool. If neither of those things things are an issue, then by all means go buy this.

Did I mention you'll look like a tool?

As a little bonus, I leave you with this:

Portable Home Gym works fine, but makes you look retarded.

2010-10-27T10:30:00.002-04:00

I was going to start this post about the Portable Home Gym the way I usually do, with some snappy little one liner or a quick faux quotation. Unfortunately, people seem to like this thing. Luckily, you have to look retarded to use it.

(Semi)invisible rocket pack! VROOOOOM!

According to Sky Mall:

"No time for a workout? Use KEFTY at home while watching TV, at the office while reading email, or at the beach while watching the sunset. KEFTY is always there and breaks down in seconds for travel."

"You can even use it on the toilet!"

The problem is that if you actually want to lose weight, no machine is going to make it an especially pleasurable experience. Losing weight involves diet and exercise. This machine promises to make the exercise part easier, but at the end of the day you've still got to sweat and hurt before it's actually doing you any good.

At least you'll look pretty funny while using it, though.

"Derrrrrrp!"

You get on the floor where you belong, fish.

2010-10-26T12:00:00.001-04:00

You know what I hate most about fish tanks? How elevated and eye-level they are. Luckily, the Aqua End Table with Glass Top exists so I can have my fish out of sight and out of mind. That way they can die in peace.

The face of neglect.

This product is even more fun if you have a cat. Because this tank is at floor level, the cat would have 24 hour entertainment taken care of.

And so would you...

WiFi Signal Locator Key-Chain. Have you guessed the problem with this yet?

2010-10-25T17:20:00.000-04:00

"Man, I really want to get on the internet, but I really don't want to turn on my iPad without being 100-freakin'-percent sure that there's WiFi."

"First of all, that's a piece of cardboard, not an iPad. Second of all, there's no need for an iPad, because I have this WiFi Signal Locator Key-Chain!

"Dude, this is totally an iPad. I'm just using the 'Card Board' app."

"..."

At the end of the day, there are two major problems with this device. First is that the WiFi detection radius is unusably small. Secondly, it doesn't freakin' say if the WiFi it's detecting has a password or not. Isn't the point of this device to get you on some hot, stolen WiFi as quickly as possible?

"Don't mind me, just looking for WiFi..."

The Revolving Tie Rack reminds me of a simpler time, before common sense.

2010-10-23T10:30:00.061-04:00

Do you have a lot of 'C' batteries and ties, but no way to use them together? Then the Revolving Tie Rack is perfect for you!

But seriously, why do you exist?

Here's what Sky Mall says:

"The rack attaches securely and stays in place, allowing you to rotate your ties at the push of a button. Battery operated; this item makes getting dressed easy."

'Cause getting dressed was so hard before... (Thanks, PixelSandwich)

Seriously, though. It only lights up when you push the button. If you're closet doesn't have a light then you can only see your ties while it is rotating.

It will be like this, but less cute.

Also, I'm kind of against any device that requires four C batteries to work. If you ask me, anything with C batteries should go the way of cheap film cameras from the '90s.

Yes, this is real. Really.

If you can afford a Portable Video Magnifier, then you can afford a magnifying glass. See the problem?

2010-10-22T09:30:00.036-04:00

The Portable Video Magnifier is one of those devices that make you sick when you think about it. At a hefty $789, this thing costs $300 more than my first car. Still, you know some poor grandmother with bad vision will buy one of these to try and be "hip" for her grandchildren.

"If I act like I care, he'll love me more!"

Sky Mall says,

"Each Quicklook Zoom Portable Video Magnifier comes with a rechargeable battery and charger. The illuminated magnifier also includes a gentle cleaning cloth to keep the display screen free of dust and scratches, as well as a wrist strap, belt hook, and soft, zippered carrying case."

Yes, you read that correctly. This thing comes with a belt hook so you can wear it like a fanny pack.

Fanny packs; all the rage.

Designer LED Reading Glasses make lamps obsolete

2010-10-21T09:30:00.004-04:00

Do you love to read but hate lamps and the sun? Then these Designer LED Reading Glasses are perfect for you! Oh, but did I mention that they don't actually magnify anything?

Also, Sky Mall claims that these are "designer" glasses.

Same designer, maybe?

Here's what Sky Mall says:

"Using NASA's LED technology, tiny lights built into the temple of the frames allow you to read or see effortlessly in the dark. Particularly useful in restaurants, reading in bed and a host of other activities in restricted lighting. ..."

First of all, this is kind of a cheap blow to NASA. They spent billions of dollars to develop LED lights just to have their name tied to this crap? Secondly, no one in their right mind would turn these things on in a restaurant. Finally, if you're in your OWN FREAKIN' BED, you can probably just turn on a light.

At the end of the day, the only people who use this product are the same people who think its not annoying to text during movies or plays.

Like the Hilton Sisters...

Sources: Bad Fashion, Hilton Sis

Hey cat lovers! Forget litter pans, make your cat poop like a man with the Cat Toilet Training System!

2010-10-20T09:30:00.047-04:00

"Snickers, if you want to live in this house you have to live under my rules, understand?"
"Meow."
"...And one of my most important rules is no pooping all over the place like an animal. You following me?"
"Meow."
"That's why I got you this Cat Toilet Training System to teach you how to poop - LIKE A MAN."
"Meeeee-ow!"

According to Sky Mall,

With the Litter Kwitter 3-Step Cat Toilet Training System, you can teach your cat to use any human toilet in eight weeks or less

Surprisingly, this doesn't seem to be a false claim. In fact, it has inspired many otherwise-normal YouTube users to think its a good idea to upload videos of their cats taking a dump. I mean, why not? The picture on the box shows a cat staring thoughtfully as he pinches off a loaf, himself.

Prediction: this is what you will see when you close your eyes to sleep tonight.

Still the system isn't perfect. One user reports:

The first problem with the product is the first step: replace the cat's litter box with the Training System on the floor. This shows the poor design of the product: cats are used to burying their mess, and this isn't deep enough for the poo to be buried. The first day I used this, there was cat poo all over the bathroom floor and walls, because the kittens could not figure out how to clean their mess.

Poo. All over. The floor and walls.

Like this, but not on purpose. You're lucky Google Images has tame results for "poop on walls."

Sorry, but that's not a risk I'm willing to take.

No Blind Spot Rear View Mirror works best with vampires

2010-10-19T09:30:00.044-04:00

At first glance, you may wonder whats so crazy about the No Blind Spot Rear View Mirror. Then you look at the picture and realize OH MY GOD THERE'S NO ONE DRIVING THIS CAR IN RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC!

Oh wait, its just you driving....

Consoco from Colorado points out this products biggest issue in his comment:

"The mirror actually works pretty well and once you get used to it, there is no blind side on your right. On the left side, it is completely useless."

I guess that's why they photoshopped out the driver's head -- because this thing is pretty much useless when you think about it. Cars come with 3 mirrors for a reason. If a 180 degree mirror worked as well as Sky Mall claims it did, cars would have them standard.

Forget the Ghost Busters, get a Ghost Meter and find your own damn ghosts

2010-10-18T09:30:00.042-04:00

Are you tired of second-hand worn out ghosts? Then you need The Ghost Meter so you can find your own ghosts!

You might want to pick up one of these, too

While doing research for this post, I found some fun reviews on Amazon. Apparently, it doesn't work as well as advertised.

I sense some skepticism... Maybe if he just claps his hands and believes!

That's a shame, too. This one got me all excited for nothing. I guess I'll just have to go to Ghost Mart for my ghost-hunting-needs instead. (Yes, Ghost Mart is a real website. Really.)

You can play God with the Solar Powered Rainbow Maker

2010-10-17T09:30:00.001-04:00

Do you love rainbows but hate waiting for rain? Then the Solar Powered Rainbow Maker is perfect for you! Think about this. You can buy a rainbow machine. A. Rainbow. Machine.

Sky Mall says:

"You don't have to be Dorothy or Pollyanna to appreciate beauty in the ROYGBIV. -- Designed by David Dear, this solar powered rainbow maker will delight everyone who sees it. ... This makes a great conversation piece and an intriguing scientific wonderment for all ages!"

RAINBOWS - HOW DO THEY WORK?

And since they're only $24.95 USD a pop, you can buy two and make DOUBLE RAINBOWS.

Double. Rainbows.

Peeing Boy Fountain - because your lawn needs more naked children.

2010-10-16T09:30:00.001-04:00

This seems like one of those statues that R. Kelly would have. Sorry, R. Kelly, but this product isn't available for rush delivery.

Reviewer Elle writes:

"...[M]y husband absolutely loved the fountain. He has said for years that someday he would get a 'Peeing Boy Fountain'. Well not knowing what to get him for his 50th birthday, I chose this! A great pick!"

That's not creepy at all. Oh wait, kinda is.

Hhhhhhhhhhhhmmmm... It must be my birthday!

Super not-lame Bigfoot Garden Yeti Sculpture looks great next to your grotto

2010-10-15T00:00:00.004-04:00

Here's a gift for that special little History Channel fanatic in your life -- the Bigfoot Garden Yeti Sculpture!

Put this bad boy in your unsuspecting roommate's shower and wait for the inevitable screams of terr-

REALLY? Only two freakin' feet tall? Well, at least you can hide it in the corner of your unsuspecting cat's litter box to scare the crap out of h-

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?

But in all seriousness, this is the most deceiving picture I've ever seen in my life.

Okay, second most deceiving...

Pet Styling System

2010-10-14T10:00:00.002-04:00

Look at that smug face. That's the face of an animal that will only accept the best. And that's the hand of an idiot willing to pay for it. The Pet Styling System is just like a normal hair dryer, but it blows even harder.

Why dry your dog with a towel when you could use a special, $119.99 USD pet hair dryer instead?

Why not? If you've gone this far you might as well go the whole 9 yards...

If you want to save a couple of bucks, just head on over to the Pet Styling System's company website to purchase one for a much more reasonable $109.99 USD.

Any website with this many gradients has to be trustworthy!

Cosmetic Teeth

2010-10-13T12:58:00.002-04:00

Are you embarrassed by your ugly-ass teeth? Do you enjoy dressing as a Vampire for Halloween because you can hide your snaggly-tooth? Then these Cosmetic Teeth are perfect for you!

Thanks to the power of Cosmetic Teeth, you can:

"Stop worrying about what people will think of your teeth. Smile at pretty girls again! Imako Cosmetic Teeth hides many dental problems, even up to 4 missing front teeth."

I'm just going to throw this out there -- if you're missing "four front teeth" and are convinced this product is for you, perhaps you have bigger problems than your teeth when it comes to the ladies.

This is moments before he lost those four teeth

Maybe I'm being a little harsh. I mean, at only $39.98 USD who could resist such a deal? Just look at this before and after picture:

"You have a pretty mouth..."

Well, at least it comes from a reputable reseller like Sky Mall. I mean, who makes this crap, anyway?

Whenever your company has to use a sudo name, something isn't right...

Grim Reaper LCD Alarm Clock

2010-10-12T23:39:00.003-04:00

"Grandpa, I got you a present!"
"What is it, child?"
"Its a Grim Reaper LCD Alarm Clock. Now every time you check to see if its time for Wheel of Fortune you'll be reminded of your impending death!"
"..."

Sky Mall, you always know just what to get for my elderly relatives and suicidal friends! According to the description,

"... This exclusive is the perfect gift for anyone who craves a little more shut eye!"

I mean, who wouldn't want to be reminded of death's ever present threat?

Luckily, rush delivery is available on this item. That way you or your loved ones won't miss watching a single second of their life... tick... away...

Mademoiselle Floor Lamp

2010-10-12T23:21:00.003-04:00

Need something both terrifying and ridiculously expensive for your haunted house this Halloween? Then the Mademoiselle Floor Lamp would be perfect for you!

For only $495 USD, you too could be the proud owner of this Pyramid Head look-a-like!

Wait, that's not a lamp...

According to the description on Sky Mall's website,

"Our life-sized work of decorative art---glamorously six-feet tall with her black fabric shade---has the chic knee-high boots, trendy cocktail dress and accentuated curves that make her a timeless, always-in-style, fashion statement."

Since when does "always" mean "never?"

"Cast in quality designer resin with a sumptuous black faux-leather finish, her provocative presence demands attention anywhere she strikes a pose!"

Yes, but you could say the same thing about a nasty fart. "It's presence demands attention anywhere it strikes its pose!"

FakeTV Burglar Deterrent

2010-10-12T23:07:00.003-04:00

Are you too poor to own a television but worried someone will steal your crap anyway? Then the FakeTV Burglar Deterrent is perfect for you!

The description claims:

"The FakeTV Burglar Deterrent is a compact plug-in unit that simulates light output equivalent to a typical TV ... helping to deter criminals from breaking in."

Ironically, this thing sells for $35 USD. If you're too poor to have an actual TV, this is probably more expensive than anything else you would have that a burglar would steal. Seriously.