RELATIONSHIP breakdowns or splits can be stressful at any time – but add children and Christmas into the mix, and the pressure on both parties will escalate.

Whether you are on the brink of formally separating from a spouse or partner, or it is your first year apart, family lawyers from Buckles Solicitors LLP have some sensitive seasonal advice on coping with a family Christmas.

Family lawyer Anika (Nikki) Aston, based at Buckles Solicitors LLP in Nottinngham, said: “While Christmas can increase the stresses and strains of family life for couples who are experiencing relationship difficulties, our own research suggests that couples looking to separate start talking about doing so some 12-18 months before they make the final decision.

“If children are involved, then it is usual for the ‘cut off’ point to be Christmas, and then the process begins in the New Year. Likewise, Christmas can have serious implications for couples who have recently been estranged and perhaps live apart from their former spouse / partner and children.

“We recognise that Christmas can be extremely stressful for families experiencing these difficulties, particularly if children are involved and are impacted by their parents’ decision.
“Trying to work through any differences and placing them to one side by putting the children first can only be a good thing. Having some kind of plan or coping mechanism can also help, and try and get the support of other family members and friends.”
Try to:

Be Prepared:
Think about the Christmas arrangements early – talk and plan ahead.  Last minute discussions with an estranged spouse/partner can add to the stress and feelings of panic. Draw up a list you can both agree on if it helps to see the arrangements in writing.

Be Realistic:
Splitting Christmas Day in half  – is this really best for the children?  Do you want your children to leave all their new toys that they have just received so that they have Christmas lunch on the other side of town with the other parent?  Don’t punish the child for the adults’ decisions.

Be Fair:
Remember that it is not about ‘your time and my time’ with children – they are not a commodity. It is understood that Christmas Eve night leading into Christmas morning is the most special time when we have children and that is an experience that bothparents would love to share. But in reality, this sometimes isn’t possible – so arrange to each have your own ‘special time’ with the kids.

Be Respectful:
If it is ‘your turn’ to have the children, then telephone the other parent or Skype/Facetime them.  Both parents should remember that Christmas Day is exhausting for children given the level of excitement so they may not “perform” well during such a Skype or Facetime session, and therefore be forgiving. Don’t attribute blame to cover up your own inevitable feelings of disappointment.

Be Flexible:
Very often the parent with whom the children live expects to have the children every Christmas. Very often, a Judge will alternate the best bits of Christmas Day ie Christmas Eve at 3pm to early on Boxing Day and then this is alternated between both parents year on year.  Among separated couples with children, Boxing Day very frequently replicates Christmas Day so that the children have two Christmas Days rather than just one.

Be Open Minded:
Personal family arrangements for a special Christmas with the children is not necessarily a legal issue. Think about keeping this out of Court, keeping in control of your family arrangements and keeping the festive season special.  Therefore, contemplate Mediation or Collaborative Law. Devise a ‘Parenting Plan’ so that there are no hidden surprises for the future. There may be several years of Christmases still to enjoy with the children, so stop it being stressful and keep it special.
Buckles also run a joint initiative with relationship experts Relate, which aims to try and keep divorcing couples out of the courtroom.

Thought to be the first of its kind in the country, this service aims to ease the impact of any relationship breakdown on children and other family members by simplifying the legal process.

The service is available locally and offered through collaboration between Relate Peterborough and Buckles’ Family Department.

Did you know?: Most recent figures from Office of National Statistics (ONS) suggest that nearly half of all UK marriages will end in divorce (42 per cent).

It has also been well documented by many firms of solicitors around the country that the month of January is a peak time for estranged couples to begin divorce proceedings.

However, the Buckles Solicitors say they have no evidence locally of a spike in post-Christmas instructions – and that for many couples thinking about separation, the process begins long before the festive period.

Divorce and separation figures (ONS England and Wales 2012/2013):

• 42 per cent of marriages end in divorce.
• Almost half of divorces involve children under 16 years.
• Around a quarter (25 per cent) of families in the UK are lone parent families.
• In 2013, over 120,000 families with dependent children separated.
• Around eight out of 10 children and young people with experience of parental separation or divorce would prefer their parents to split up if they are unhappy, rather than stay together.
• In the same poll, around half (47 per cent) say that they didn’t understand what was happening during their parents’ separation or divorce.
• Two in ten (19 per cent) agree that they sometimes felt like the separation or divorce was their fault

Common law marriage splits explained

What’s yours is mine – or is it?

IT’S not every couple that can look forward to a Happy New Year – with January a popular month for moving on and moving out.

A common time of year for divorces or calling it a day when it comes to broken relationships, family lawyers at Buckles Solicitors LLP are gearing up for a busy time.

And one area that can appear more complicated to deal with than it may first seem is what is often referred to as ‘common law marriage’ – living with a partner for years without marrying.

Buckles Solicitors family lawyer Nikki Aston said: “All too often couples refer to “common law marriage” and believe that after living with someone for a certain amount of time entitles them to the same rights as those of a married couple. Unfortunately, this is not true.”

Research from relationship charity, One Plus One, showed that 47 per cent of the people they interviewed believed in the notion of “common law marriage”.

Recent figures published by the Office of National Statistics revealed that there are now 3.3 million cohabiting couples in the UK – a number which has more than doubled over the last 20 years.

Nikki added: “Sadly, some of those relationships will end, and the current cohabitation law does not give those couples the rights they think they have.

“Resolution (a national organisation of family lawyers and professionals who are committed to the constructive resolution of family disputes) have been campaigning for change in the law to protect cohabiting couples.

“They consider that as modern society is changing, as well as the way people live, the law needs to catch up with this. Whether a couple chooses to marry or not it is always best to be aware of the position and take steps to try and secure your affairs.

Where cohabiting couples jointly own their family home, in English law the property will automatically be divided equally – even if one party contributed more to its purchase (unless there is a written legal agreement at the time of purchase saying in what proportions each party own). This can be challenged in court, however it’s likely to be costly and there is no guarantee they will win.”

Legal issues to consider if you are in a ‘common law marriage’:

• • Draw up what is known as a ‘Cohabitation Agreement’ – a contract between you and your partner which sets out how you will deal with property, bank accounts, debts and so on, and what should happen in the event of a relationship breakdown. Also, if you own property, or plan to purchase a property jointly, it may be that you and your partner are making unequal contributions.

• • A Cohabitation Agreement may seem unromantic and an unnecessary outlay when you are happy in a relationship. However, if your relationship ends, the expense, stress and heartache of going to court will be far more costly, and can be avoided with a bit of planning and pragmatism.

• A ‘Declaration of Trust’ can also be drawn up, which will set out the contributions you have both made, so that if the property is sold, you will both be able to recover what you put in. This is especially important when couples enter into new relationships and may have a lump sum e.g. from a divorce that they have spent a lot of time and money to secure. This document needs to be drafted and prepared properly, with both parties obtaining independent legal advice in order for it to be legally binding.

FAMILY lawyers at Buckles Solicitors are urging unmarried, cohabiting couples to formalise their arrangements – in light of a recent landmark Supreme Court victory.

The Court ruled a woman from Northern Ireland was entitled to claim for a survivor’s pension after her long-term, live-in partner died suddenly – shortly after they had become engaged.

He had paid into Northern Ireland’s local government pension scheme but had not completed the necessary form to nominate a cohabiting partner for a survivor’s pension.
His fiancée took legal action to claim the pension and when her case reached the Supreme Court, the judges ruled that the refusal to pay her was unlawful.

Buckles Solicitors LLP family lawyer Nikki Aston said: “Such difficulties play out all too often for cohabiting couples, whether in relation to shared property or what happens to their assets when they divorce or die.

“Many still believe in the idea of so-called ‘common law marriage’, assuming they have legal rights like married couples or civil partners on death, only to discover the harsh truth when problems arise.”

Nikki added: “Currently, securing protection requires action to be taken by the couple, if they wish to ensure that the interests of both parties are protected in case of death, separation or other life changes.

“It may seem unfair, but cohabiting couples do not have the protection that comes with marriage or civil partnership. There are three main areas where couples should look to protect themselves, and each other, and that’s with a cohabitation agreement, formalising how property is owned and each making a Will. These all help to avoid uncertainty and come into their own if the worst happens.”

Making a Will:  Without a valid Will, the division of assets belonging to a cohabitee will be decided by the Intestacy Rules and under these a cohabiting partner will not be included. Typically, the whole of their estate would go to children, or if they have none, to parents or other family members. Although the surviving cohabitee could apply for “reasonable financial provision” under the Inheritance (Provision for Family and Dependants) Act 1975, this would be a very slow and potentially expensive option, and in the meantime they may be blocked from living in the couple’s home if it was not held in shared ownership.

Inheritance Tax: Writing a Will is also a good time for couples to consider inheritance tax implications, as they will not benefit from the exemption given to gifts between spouses and civil partners. Also, unlike a married couple or civil partners, the first-to-die’s nil rate band cannot be transferred to the survivor.

Property ownership:  If a couple buy a property together, or agree that one has become entitled to a share, then it is important that ownership is structured to reflect this and the intentions of each upon death.  Such ownership needs to be recorded and formally documented, and ideally recorded with the Land Registry.  If property is owned as ‘joint tenants’, there are other consequences that will be need to be considered.

Cohabitation agreements:  A formal agreement setting out what will happen if a couple separate, this can also set out day-to-day matters, such as who is responsible for household expenditure and in what proportions. As well as helping to settle disputes when a relationship ends, it can be a useful process to clarify matters before a couple move in together, by encouraging discussion and agreement over the detail.

It should be drawn as a deed, independently witnessed and with both parties able to demonstrate there was no duress and each was able to seek independent advice, if required. A cohabitation agreement may be set aside or varied by the courts if the circumstances change, for example if the couple have children, so it is important to regularly review what has been put in place.