.xaueious.

Wasted time today depressed

2009-10-01T22:53:00.000-07:00

Wasted many (more than 6) hours today depressed. Happened a lot last term, but this term it’s more or less the first time.

Stress cripples me. It shouldn’t but it just does.

I had somewhat of a set back with the 4th year project course I have been doing. Lots of useless regretting and not much progress made. Presentation next Friday and facing a lot of stress as to what I can do. I am useless right now.

While I appreciate the faith people have in my abilities, I myself have little faith.

It’s so hard, but I need to see a counselor. This makes no sense that I can waste so much time being depressed. I need to resolve the triggers and root causes so I can actually perform optimally this term.

Pray for me.

Back in Waterloo for my Second Last Undergrad Term (Hopefully)

2009-09-25T18:17:00.000-07:00

I realize I haven’t blogged for a while now. I’ve been tweeting quite a bit, but there’s not really a good replacement for a blog post.

This is more of a post of me reviewing what I did and might not be a very interesting piece since I’m not filtering for the good parts. It’s just going to be a lot of stuff :D.

My Summer

In Hong Kong this summer, I did very little. I wasn’t motivated to do much. A lot of it had to do with the fact that I didn’t feel like spending any of my parents’ money. Initially I was going to find a job, but it turned out that I wasn’t going to get paid a lot anyways so I gave up since I wasn’t sure I could even go to work consistently with that attitude.

It was really hot in Hong Kong. I am not sure if it was weather effects or if I was just depressed from living with my aunt or just isolating myself from people in general. My aunt was really not making me feel at ease. I really felt like I was going insane a few times because I was so depressed most of the time when they were around. I felt great when I was with other relatives or when I was alone though. I would thank her for feeding me any stuff, but if I had money I would have really preferred to live alone or live with someone else. I really shouldn’t have stayed at her place for so long, but that’s a story for another day. Anyways I felt like I spent most of my time in the house not going anywhere nor doing anything significant.

But it wasn’t actually that bad for me. In fact I think it was the most relaxed I felt in a long time. There were times I felt really depressed (like I said above), but most of the other times it was really refreshing.

Spiritually I made no practical progress. I have essentially established that my faith is functionally broken. I found a church only to abandon it a few months in and not developing any relationships because I didn’t ask for any contacts and didn’t really hang out enough. But the glimpse of church I experienced there made me want to be grow up in Hong Kong. I was restricted to go by unrational feelings of being rejected by people since no one reached out to me even though I was someone new. That’s another lesson for the books. I was expecting people to reach out to me since I was a newcomer in a church, but other than initial recognition and formal greetings, it didn’t really get much further than that. I felt pretty isolated there actually – no different than what I felt at church in Canada, where I knew the faces of everyone and that’s pretty much it.

On the more positive side of things, I bought quite a bit of clothes in Hong Kong. Yes I have clothes that fit now and am no longer restricted to track-pants and huge t-shirts. I started caring about my looks a bit more. But I wouldn’t have shopped as much as I did if I didn’t spend my last month in the stock market and made myself enough money to cover my flight and all miscellaneous expenses. Not enough to cover tuition though, so I’ll be in debt a little.

I also had an awesome time meeting my cousins. I really missed them and treasured every moment I spent with them. I have a female cousin my age, but she is as lazy as I am in terms of socially so I didn’t get to talk to her as much as I would have liked. I still don’t know how to talk to her, but it’s the same situation with most of my friendships I guess.

To cap it off, a list of everything I can think of about my Hong Kong trip:

first time back in 10 years
seeing relatives
visited my childhood home and first elementary school
visited a Chinese church a few times and also their fellowship (though I gave up on during my last month. Otherwise a good experience)
visited Macau
visited Shenzhen a few times
Bride’s falls visit and fishing
Ocean park
shopped for clothes ($4000 HKD worth)
figured out how to swim breast stroke semi-properly (can swim continuously without rest), and front crawl needs work but is a lot better
got more fit (mostly thanks to pull ups) and gained about 3 inches on my vertical
visited anime and magna related good stores to walk around
visited HK book fair
first real experience in stock market trading
played basketball and soccer with locals

Final Stretch of University

I’m in my last year of Mechanical Engineering coop program. It’s hard to imagine that I already went through 4 years of it and am really on my final stretch. While I would really like it to end, I am not exactly looking forward to full time work either. I am not feeling very motivated. Graduation is something way over my head right now. In a sense, I still feel like I’m seventeen. But I’m already 22 going onto 23. Some people my age get married, and have established their footholds in society with regards to their career, independence and social standing.

I hope I pass these two terms.

I also pray to be a better Christian. I’m starting with constant church attendance and don’t really want accountability, as contradictory as that sounds. The last time I had accountability was good for what it was, but I am not too upbeat about finding people who have my troubles. I have some pretty weird issues, so I would like to think.

Not looking forward to much socially. I will be too busy and I am not sure where to start. The only social commitment I am taking this term is church on Sundays. I am having second thoughts about the fellowship I usually go to because over the terms it really hasn’t done me that good, especially towards last school term.

Extra

For the sake of vanity, my Hong Kong trip has resulted in the following 5 pack (yes they are asymmetrical). They still need work and by the end of this term I might just lose it because I am too lazy to go to a pull-up bar. I'm trying to keep exercising:

Clearup

2009-05-17T08:53:00.000-07:00

No Japan
I'm in Hong Kong till mid August
I graduate in 2010 now
Jobless for now

I will keep Tweeting.

Approaching the end of the term

2009-04-17T14:14:00.000-07:00

I easily wrote the worst final exam of my university career. It was a course I could and should have done better in. A lack of motivation and focus killed me. I might now have to retake that particular course. If I go to Japan, it means that I will be retaking the course a whole year later, which isn't as fun. The prospects are not actually that bad though in reality. I have just been really hard on myself.

I have been stressed recently about my Japanese work issues, but that is no excuse. I get pretty dysfunctional when I'm stressed. I am in my early twenties, but I don't think this is acceptable. I need to take substantial measures to discipline myself.

I have one more exam to write. I know I'll pass that one. It is time to put my worries elsewhere and just relax.

Final Exams

2009-03-29T14:42:00.000-07:00

Final exams in a week. 3 group projects due this week.

Crucial time. Very crucial. Especially knowing how behind I am in all my courses.

I cannot afford to fail this term. Or any term, in fact. Being in 4 stream means that failure of a term can result in pushing my graduation a whole year. Combine that with going to Japan, and it means taking 7 years to complete my undergraduate degree, which is insane. 6 was borderline okay, for me already when I applied for the Japan coop.

I guess I've been depressed by the fact that my marks have been dropping like a rock, and I have had too much of a perfectionist mindset to pull myself out of the muddy waters. It is tough mentally to get 80s and suddenly fall down to a 60 student, and that's exactly what's happening. It is really making me edgy and stressed this term. It means going for masters is impossible. With my lack of experience in the engineering field, I am disappointed in what I have to offer to the engineering world.

In any case, I need to focus now. This is my final stretch of school for a whole year before going to Japan.

I also had issues with my passport recently, which may affect my Japan work application. That's an additional stress item...

Praying about it.

Post Midterm Reflection

2009-02-22T17:53:00.000-08:00

So... half the term has passed. A lot of things have happened, and a lot of things that should have happened have not.

I'm 22 years old. I can no longer call myself a teenager. I am fully in my twenties now, and there's no turning back. The responsibility to live is mine.

I'm still watching anime these days. One that really makes me glad that I'm still watching is Clannad After Story. The story started with the protagonist as an irresponsible teenager at the ripe age of 17. He is not a teenager anymore, and moreover a father. The story has progressed to the point where he must now live his life responsibility for the sake of himself as well as his daughter. There are things I too must do for my own sake.

I recently started reading the book 'Intimate Connections' by David Burns. It's a self-help book with practical advice to evaluate your own life and to rationally understand your thoughts. I was a fool to ever think that scientific psychotherapy can be replaced by simply reading the Bible and talking to untrained individuals. Anyways, the book has the potential to help immensely. I started to understand the importance of psychological balance through 'Boundaries' by Henry Cloud. In any case, I have a lot of material to work with now.

Key phrases:

Setting boundaries
Rational and realistic expectations

I have been very volatile emotionally and spiritually. I am going to make it my goal to practically fix that from this point forwards. I should have set this goal at the beginning of the year, but this time I'm putting this in writing once and for all.

This is a good time to do this right once and for all.

Pre-Exam Motivation

2009-02-01T14:41:00.000-08:00

Ecc 5:18 Behold, what I have seen to be good and fitting is to eat and drink and find enjoyment in all the toil with which one toils under the sun the few days of his life that God has given him, for this is his lot.
Ecc 5:19 Everyone also to whom God has given wealth and possessions and power to enjoy them, and to accept his lot and rejoice in his toil--this is the gift of God.

Haven't been able to study. My motivation really hasn't been there. Listening to some MarsHill Mark Driscoll to fix my mentality.

Live for righteousness. That's your value. You are not in the world's "food chain". We don't score that way before God.

God enabled joy.

Have to pick up my pace

2009-01-18T21:42:00.000-08:00

No idea what this song means, but I just like the rare upbeat song here and there. By 初音ミク, flowertone.

Not been working very efficiently. Maybe I'm trying to do too much.

School is a huge priority right now. I need to effectively plan my time. This is the only the way it works.

I made church and fellowships for 2 weeks straight, but my devos are really still suffering.

I'm watching too much NBA right now. I should just learn to give up on the Raptors. Sigh...

Update

2009-01-14T21:51:00.000-08:00

So I haven't had the time to blog recently. I'm in my second week of school right now. Things are getting very busy.

I'm having trouble prioritizing as well. I haven't touched my Bible in a while.

I don't have time for the many things I want to be doing this term.

If I had any resolution for this year, it is to do less so I can do more.

Upcoming Term Worries

2009-01-04T05:39:00.000-08:00

Couldn't sleep already. I have to pack today, and go to church preferably. I haven't had communion in like half a year because I've been missing all the first Sundays, and yes I'm a baptized Christian. I know it's not a good combination.

A few things I'm worried about today and probably throughout this week:

CCF or an engineering club? Which one do I join? I know I only have time for one of the two. Faith or career. Also, Christian friends or no friends. It's a tough call.
I'm taking the second Japanese course at school, and I never took the first one. At this time, I am not ready for the second course. I was supposed to study last week. I didn't.
I need to pack. At this rate, I'll be eating plain rice for the rest of the week every day as well, so I need to go shopping. I forgot how to bus by now. Crap.
I pulled 60s on every meaningful course last school term, meaning that I am very unprepared for my courses this term. My mom gives pressure for me to do well, and I shouldn't care about what she thinks. She knows nothing about engineering and she's telling me to do a masters in electrical engineering (by the way, I'm in mechanical, so it makes no sense for me whatsoever). Basically I have to figure out how poorly I can allow my marks to be so I can do extracurricular stuff. That's how engineering works.

I am so excited. But so stressed. And I haven't even started. Great.

My 2008 Anime Recap - Worth Watching...

2008-12-31T20:41:00.000-08:00

I don't watch a lot of anime when I'm on school term. Nor do I follow airing times, so this isn't a very complete list. But this is going to be a long one anyway... I had two work terms...

While this post isn't interesting to everyone as I understand it, it's just something I've been doing...

So... Alphabetically because I have no idea what I watched first.

Clannad
One of the most emotional anime series I've seen to date, despite its many flaws. It's sad at times, and brought me close to tears at one point. Slapstick humor is used well in this anime. High point of this anime is the fact that it emphasizes family as a main element, not just romance. If you can watch the anime with that in mind, it is much easier to watch.

The story is about a high school delinquent's last year of high school and how he interacts with friends. He displays a lot of growth in the anime, and opens up after meeting a new friend at the beginning of the school year. He noticeably changes his attitude towards school and his own life as the plot progresses.

Other than that, it has very likable characters, even though some feel very unrealistic. I do get annoyed by the way most of the characters abnormally react, but this is what you expect typically from anime created from a harem scenario made for high school kids. But as I mentioned above, the development of the anime is deeper and more mature than what the characters design may suggest.

Exceptional music quality and above average art makes this a good watch even if you didn't enjoy anything about the anime itself and felt dumbified by the whole thing. I'd still have watched it, but it isn't something I can easily recommend to everyone.

Code Geass - Hangyaku no Lelouch R2
For fans of the first season, the second season wasn't very good. Many waited for the second season with eager expectation and were disappointed with the end result. It will be remembered for the anime that could have been but was not. Mind you, it was still epic as a whole series as one of the more innovative mecha anime to come in a while.

It's an action and mecha anime with a mixture of mystical elements and many plot twists. The mystical elements are what drew me to watching, but the series ended with little questions of those answered. The series centers upon the main character who gains the ability to manipulate others to do whatever he commanded against their free will. Second season ended with too many questions left unanswered and too many impossible plot twists for me to enjoy fully, but this is one many can enjoy. The lack of any true romantic developments is what killed this anime for me.

Hidamari Sketch x365
Not really done this one, but anyone who enjoys a good slice of life anime should watch this. I find the show relaxing and entertaining.

The show is about the day-to-day lives of four teenage art students living together in the same residence and going to school together.

Shows like this make me acknowledge and appreciate the existence of art, and that's hard for me because of the way I only value things that are practical. The show itself is very artistic. It's the type of show that makes you want friends who are similar to the characters, and the type I can't get enough of.

Kannagi
A average boy carves a tree sculpture, which turns into a beautiful girl who ends up living with him. She's a self-proclaimed goddess. He also happens to have another cute girl as his friend since childhood who has feelings for him. Then the goddess girl has a sister who also likes the main character.

Sounds ridiculous eh? The show is worth picking up for the humor, parodies, and interaction between the characters. It's a fun show to pick up if you like the type of humor, but shows with these obvious harem scenarios kill brain cells, seriously. A rather immature show, and not really my type of show.

Macross Frontier

Best soundtrack of the year? Check.
Best animated series of the year? Check.
Most hyped up series of the year? Check.

My first entry into the Macross series. Humans living in space colonies are attacked by unknown creatures. The series is about the humans trying to survive with the ensuing attacks of the creatures. The series tries to explain the sci-fi elements throughout. Despite the weak plot and rather incomprehensible main characters, the setting of the anime draws you in. The main characters consist of a male figher/mecha pilot and two female singers.

Other than that, this series should be watched for the production quality alone. The production quality of each of the episodes is equal to that of a full length anime movie, which is very impressive. You have to watch it to see how good this was done.

Minami-ke ~Okawari~
This show is the second season of a series about the day-to-day lives of three sisters who live together and go to the same school. They don't live with their parents, and the focus of the show is how the sisters interact with one another. This is a slice of life anime, so it has no plot. Aside from the three sisters, the side characters are rather weak in this anime, especially the second season. Worth watching if you are in for some immature and stressfree humor. First season was better though.

Mobile Suit Gundam 00
This is a typical Gundam show. The Gundam are pretty much invincible in this show, and the characters are very emo and immature. What else is new? Best animation quality in a Gundam anime to date, but both the plot and the characters are severely lacking. I'd rate Gundam Seed over this, which is pretty bad. Gundam and mecha fanboys only? I heard the second season is redeeming the series a bit, but I have very low interest in this show right now.

Nodame Cantabile Paris Chapter
Romantic drama and music is a darn good mix in this series. The way the main characters progress their musical careers together with their romantic relationship is very well done. This anime picks up from where the first season left off. Manga readers will be disappointed from the details that are left out in this relatively short second season, but this is still a solid series overall. Worth watching, even for an older audience. Of course I'd recommend watching the first season first.

Spice and Wolf
So I didn't really watch the show, but this is a darn good show. I read the novel itself, so I couldn't bear watching the show because of how good the novel was.

The story is about a young male merchant who travels with a beautiful wolf goddess in human form. Both the mains are smart and deep characters. The setting is complex and very well thought out. Worth watching if you can't find the novel or manga.

True Tears
Average guy, two above average girlfriends and one childhood girlfriend who likes him. The setup is close to one of those harem anime, and screamed 'stay away' at first glance, but it wasn't quite the same as I watched a few more episodes. What makes this series interesting is the way the main characters display growth in the series as they gain courage to be true to their feelings. Possibly the best romantic anime I have ever watched. Great music in the series as well.

That's it for 2008. Happy new year...

I don't think I'm going to watch a lot of anime coming 2009. I'll finish the few I continued, but I don't see a lot of shows I will have interest in. I'm turning 22 in two months, and age and anime don't mix well together. More of what I watched at Myanimelist

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Limitations and colorblindness

2008-12-30T13:09:00.000-08:00

I don't tell this to everyone I meet typically, but I'm red-green colorblind.

But this work term, I realized that I'm actually insecure about the fact that I'm red-green colorblind. I was made to do a lot of CAD (computer assisted drafting) for my engineering company this term, and at times I was supposed to distinguish the difference between yellow and green, which is impossible for me.

I know I've more or less given up art in the past even since I was young because of my colorblindness as well. What's the point of practicing art if I can't tell colors? I told myself... I could be a great monochrome artist I guess? Anyways, I told myself that I wasn't even going to bother with it. But I am starting to realize that this way of thinking affected my self-esteem inadvertently, and even how I deal with God daily.

Drawing?
Photography?
Oh clothes? Sigh...

I actually feel that I have a disability of sorts.

Another thing that I think about is the fact that it's genetic. Do I want to pass it down to my offspring? Should I avoid having kids? I don't want them to suffer like I did. I want them to see all the colors the world has to offer if possible. Do I even want kids now? Wont they blame me for being irresponsible to have passed this disability down to them?

Or I guess that just reflects some of my own frustrations. I don't like the fact that I'm colorblind. I still love my mom and my grandfather, but sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I wasn't colorblind.

Otherwise, in day-to-day situations, colorblindness is not an issue for me. I am in university, am physically fit, and have a long way to go. I have a lot to look forward to. I know I've been focusing too much on this permanent weakness of mine for too long. It's about time I move on. There are things in my life that I have the power to change, and this is not one of them.

And this isn't the only thing in my life right now that I can't change and shouldn't bother. I need to live with a lot of things like this.

I can cope. I have coped with my colorblindness. I can be happy without the full spectrum. I have been happy.

It's no different for everything else I wished for and did not receive from God. Whether it's parents, academics, friends...

This is the way God made the world. And all of this is still good. I need to see it.

I was reading manga recently, called REAL. It's a basketball themed manga, but centered on young characters struggling with their lives. Some of the characters have become physically disabled due to various circumstances.

The following is a paraphrase from the manga:
Even though it is amazing for man to finish a 100 meter dash in under 10 seconds, man will never be able to fly by his own strength. But though humans are limited, the amount they can achieve up to their potential is up to them. So you have humans striving to finish a 100 meter dash in under 10 seconds, even though they cannot fly.

And so it was good in the Lord's eyes.

Summing up the end of possibly my last work term this week

2008-12-22T22:14:00.000-08:00

Haven't been able to come up with very exciting things to talk about recently, so this will just be another boring life update post...

This Wednesday is my last day at work. I just got my work term evaluation today, and I received my best work term evaluation yet. The only thing I did differently this term was interact with my co-workers, but that came more naturally than all my last work terms. But honestly, I didn't even talk to my own group that much. I just happened to hang out with a bunch of people who were around my age. I'm kind of sad that this work term evaluation isn't really worth much since this is really my last official work term. The university hinted that my last work term (4A work term) wont be through the university's system since I'm going to Japan. This pretty much concludes my coop career, and it really wasn't that exciting.

I'm going to remember this work term most not for the work that I did, but for the relationships that I had. I find this is really what makes or breaks a job for me at the moment. I have yet to find any real passion in what I've been studying for the last four years. I hope going to Japan can change that. I wont last very long in the real work with this mindset and I am keenly aware of it. Or even if I last, I will not develop the instincts I know I am capable of, such as leadership and being someone who 'makes things happen'.

I am slowly transitioning from a coop-student mindset to a more mature one. I know what to do, but knowing what to do is different from being able to do things.

I think my decision to go to Japan will be taking a step backwards in terms of my professional maturity, but it will build me in other ways.

Clubbing and pubs for an outsider (pt 2)

2008-12-14T21:15:00.000-08:00

Well, carrying on from the last post...

If I can legitimately enjoy a club, two important potential motivators would be: the dancing, and the music.

Unfortunately, I have a problems with both of them. This time it is more of my own problem...

Okay about dancing...

I CAN'T dance. Plain and simple. I am unable. I have no legitimate skills right now.

You send me out on the dance floor and I will be standing stiff as a tree. Next I become conscious of the fact that I stick out like a sore thumb.

My coworkers helped me out last Thursday and took the time to educate me a little, so at least now I know how to 'two-step', but I can't even get the beat right. I have played DDR and other music beat games, but this is weird. I hear music, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my body. Knowing that I need to dance makes me very very confused. I get a major brain cramp and just BSOD on the spot.

I have no idea how people can dance to music. If you give me an African drum Djembe, I either hit it with the palm or it hit it with my fingers. That's two variations. I can deal with that. But if you tell me to dance, it's like play the piano improv. I don't know the basics of dancing.

So far, I know this much. Two-step on the off beat, and swaying my shoulders a little. I need to devote some major hours to Youtube some time. But I fell really deficient at this stuff at the moment.

So, the other problem is the music.

We happened to have a pretty sketchy DJ on Thursday night, so be played everything - R&B, Reggae, House, and techno. I didn't like a single song. I recognized a few from watching TV, but the music made me want to leave.

I love music and I enjoy all sorts of genres. But if you crank the volume up to the point that my ear drums feel like they are on the verge of popping, that's really not my thing right now. I want to prolong my hearing. Anything that stops me from being able to listen to music in the future, I don't want to do.

And the music really wasn't my thing. I don't react very well to music with sexual themes. It makes it really hard to dance to that stuff, because I work to repress that side of me, as I always have.

It makes it hard to find music I can dance to.

But I'm not just blogging to complain about it. It's more of a coming-to-terms to where I am with all this.

So I end with one of my most over-used lines...

I dunno

Clubbing and pubs for an outsider (pt 1)

2008-12-13T09:33:00.000-08:00

I really haven't joined the pub and club scene even though this is really my 4th year of university. My coworkers this term have been telling me I've been missing out. I'm weird in their eyes haha...

I kind of knew how out of place I was with Canadian culture, but I had no idea how specifically. Well I started getting ideas this term, especially with these coworkers of mine telling me all these things. I think having these coworkers was the best thing to have come out of this work term, by the way.

So they've been telling my stories of how they enjoyed going to clubs with their friends. They tell me they enjoy the music, the environment, picking up the women, the dancing, and especially the dancing. These are guy coworkers I'm talking about by the way. Oh and one they really emphasized is grinding as a part of the dancing.

"How could you not want it?"

... That's what they told me. ...

This aint enough to get me motivated to get to a club! I understand the motivation behind something like that, but that is NOT why I want to be in a club if I ever wanted to be in one. At least I don't want to see myself that way. My conscience wont let me do that kind of thing right now. The closest thing I could accept is just the dancing part. Oh but dancing?

Save that for the next post. This is good enough of an intro...

Update on my time

2008-12-05T17:05:00.000-08:00

Time

3 days to my new laptop hard drive shipment
3 days to my first and only day off this work term, to go to Waterloo and get documents required for my Japan work visa application
2.5 weeks of work term left
2 weeks to completely finish work term report
1 month till class begins
1 month of self-study to get ready for level 2 Japanese at school
5 months till I finish my 3B engineering term (aka 3rd year)
5 months till I go to Japan
17 months till I go come back to Canada from Japan
29 months to my graduation in 2011
3 years and 3 months to being 25 years old
8 years and 3 months to being 30 years old

(thanks for the comment. added '30' to the last line)

New label: "my life"

2008-12-05T16:53:00.000-08:00

New label for updates on 'my life'. My old 'rants and reflections' tag was pretty ambiguous. I'll make a post about it soon. It is long overdue.

Why I stopped blogging

2008-12-05T16:32:00.000-08:00

Why I stopped blogging, a few reasons:

I don't talk to anyone. I have people I can still call friends, but none of whom I can call up and talk to. Not that they wouldn't listen, but it is more of an issue on my end. I haven't been able to approach people - even those I call frriends, for the last 4 years I have been alive. So I have been blogging without thinking about anyone in particular. Essentially I have been blogging to thin air.
My dad has been reading this blog, and his comment put a nail in the blog and really hurt my pride. If anyone knows me, I am one of those people who wishes that he never had a father. I don't exactly wish him dead, but his existence is a blemish in my life. That's as far as I'll talk about this for now. I'm sure I will find a reason to rant about him within the next couple of weeks of this remaining work term of me living at home. After all, he aggregates me without fail. Objectively, the advice he gave might not have seemed bad, but the fact that he tries to give me advice is enough for me to slap him.
I wrote a lot of blog posts related to 'Christian' thinking and centered upon my attempt to convert my mindset to a more Christian one, but recent events have me choosing putting my faith on the backlog.
I was no longer confident to portray my life to the world. Two months ago, I realized my lack of confidence and caved in to a near depression state. I have been hating myself excessively and blaming myself not being the person I thought I was supposed to be.
I found more fun things to do, namely video games, anime and music. Blogging requires that I think about myself. When I don't want to realize reality, I stop blogging. I said similar things in the past.

Why I am starting to blog again:

I feel the need to realize the reality in my life.
I need to love myself more. I am being too hard on myself for being unable to do what I cannot do.
I need to express myself, even if it is to no one in particular. I need to throw my thoughts out in the open. It is a confidence booster to be able to talk openly about myself. This is what a publicly hosted blog does. As long as my parents don't read this blog, this blog stays put. (Note to self: This is an issue I will need to come to terms with someday)
This blog is like stamping my existence in the world
I think there may be someone who might want to know about my life, or death, someday.

Jumpstarting this Blog Business

2008-12-05T16:28:00.000-08:00

I have been blogging since May 19 of 2004. That was my Grade 12 year. I was taking 6 courses at the time at my local public high school. I had people I called friends, but looking back, even though I had people I called friends, I was always alone.

I originally started blogging as a journal of sorts. Brainwashed with a very naive mindset at the time, I wrote a load of Christian-esq hogwash. That means that I tried to pray in writing and wrote about religious things. But at the time, I didn't read the Bible. Nor did I pray. I just felt like writing like I was a Christian. Blogging those thoughts made me feel holy. It made me feel better, as if I was doing something important. I continued to blog that way even with my Christian faith going down the drain as my high school career finished and continued well into first year of university. I would talk about my life and how depressed I was. I eventually hid this blog away because it was getting too depressing. Besides, I realized I wrote a whole lot of incoherent junk even though it had a Christian-esq theme to a lot of it. I realized that no one wants to read that kind of thing. I started a new blog, and promised to be more coherent.

I made another blog for my personal incoherent and emo journaling, making another blog for keeping in touch with friends. I used the personal journal to keep my brain somewhat organized and to keep my God-conversations to myself, and the other blog to update others on my life. That has continued for quite some time, but I stopped blogging again when I realized that I no longer had people to blog to. Plus my dad started reading this blog and making comments. I just wanted to throw my thoughts out into the internet. That's why I kept blogging. I wasn't motivated by friends I don't talk to, but more of the fact that I was pouring my heart out somewhere. Blogging is really my only outlet. I haven't had a person I knew I could talk to for the last four years of my life. Blogging kept me sane, in a sense.

So I'm starting to blog again. It didn't really matter where I started the blog, but I thought I might as well use one of the many accounts I started already to write my thoughts in. I don't expect anyone to read this. I have blogged on Blogspot for long enough to know that no one really reads my blogging. Yet I still try. It is my way of showing myself in this sea of faces.

I'm back in a sense...

I'll make sure I delete all references to my blog in my house to make sure I can blog somewhat freely again.

But this time around, I've changed. I've changed a little in the last term. It really carries over from my last school term. I'll go into that in my next post.

Lost the will to blog here

2008-10-02T00:06:00.000-07:00

I want to blog, but just not here. I have been so mad at stuff and I need to vent so bad. But blogging is dependent on who I want to talk to. Right now? No one in particular.

We'll see.

Follow me on Twitter instead.

さきに...

2008-09-22T22:21:00.000-07:00

さきに、俺わつかれた

とてもにつかれたぜー

ぬ無

Angry but happy

2008-09-14T22:09:00.000-07:00

Not angry at myself. Angry at God.

I have been pretty happy actually, even though I have been angry. Yes it is quite possible to be both angry and happy. I would probably be happier if I had nothing to be angry about, but what is making me angry is by no means making me sad, but just frustrated and tired.

I don't have to force myself to do anything. No one can force me to do anything.

First weekend after first week of work

2008-09-06T21:29:00.000-07:00

My day

Since I stayed out for so long last night, I lost most of my day today sleeping in till 1 pm. And I was still really really tired.

My sister's birthday today. She had plans till evening.

Anyhow, picked up my cousin from Scarborough Town Centre. Bought stuff for my sister there too. Went to Markham to get a partial refund on my laptop at Futureshop, which dropped in price as of yesterday by $100, and then drove home. By then it was 5:30 pm.

Went home and dropped off some stuff, then went with my cousins to play some tennis and basketball at the park till 8:30 pm. After eating, friends call me at 9 pm to tell me to show up at 10 pm.

Normally I would go, but:

My sister hadn't come home yet and we had to sort of celebrate
Church tomorrow
30 minute drive to and from each
I was damn tired

I wanted to go. Sucks.

Damn if I really was a good friend, I would have planned events myself and coordinate stuff. Gah... Nvm....

Jap

On the other hand...

I didn't even study Japanese at all this week! I guess I don't mind being rated as non-literate in Japanese for the work term, but I have made a piss poor effort to get better so far.

New notebook, last few days of my break

2008-08-27T13:09:00.000-07:00

Got a new tablet now. HP Pavilion TX2524CA. Huge upgrade over my old IBM/Lenovo Thinkpad R50e. Much needed upgrade. I was losing productivity last term because my computer was so slow. Plus now 720P H264 and ニコニコ動画 videos actually play now. Oh and Rikaichan takes 2 seconds to load instead of 30, so I can actually learn Japanese now.

Anyways, my break is almost over. Been busy somewhat. Been a relaxing break, but not much else. Turned my brain off a bit too much.

I have to get serious about life again. Been slacking in all my priorities.

Another one of my cousins from HK is going to live with my family. So now we have two boys who will play with me haha... I had so much fun last term playing NBA 2K8 with one of them last term. We'll see...

Week back and some updates

2008-08-24T21:27:00.000-07:00

Well I got my marks back. This was my worst term acdaemically by far, maybe spiritually as well. Three 60s. And this year is the year with REAL engineering courses, so it does make me sad that I suck at the real thing.

Other than that, being home, I had a few things to do.

Paperwork for offer letter from my job
Tax review by the government. Need to submit some stuff.
Cleaning up my mess of junk I brought back from Loo
Getting a new laptop (tablet PC actually... HP TX2500 series)
Cleaning up house computers
Helping paint the garage floor with protective paint
Helping to install hand rail for basement staircase
Helping figure out how the electrical switches in the house work
Helping install some racks in the garage
Going to the airport to pick up my cousin
Cleaning up my old laptop for my cousin
Helping with some webpage stuff

Yep...

Oh but meanwhile, I have missed two weeks of church and one time of fellowship. I haven't changed much last term. In fact maybe I got even worse. Don't want to give it any thought at the moment.