I’ve chased down almost dream I’ve had, done my best to bring it to reality. Despite my uncomfortable and difficult past, throwing up barriers that have held plenty of people back, I managed to create a life that if nothing else, was filled with personal successes.
I became skilled at chasing down opportunities, working hard to position myself in ways that bolstered the communities I was involved with and allowed me to pursue the paths I’d dreamed of taking.

But never, ultimately, to a place of safety or comfort. I sacrificed stability and a regular income in order to follow those dreams.

One could argue that my soul, my life experience, was enriched, and sure. That’s true and I’m grateful for that. Having those achievements made me feel good, taught me things that I drew from later, and were fulfilling enough at the time. It wasn’t until the end of each era that I realized how I’d been cheated out of part of the experience: the one where I was repaid for all the work I put into sustaining the environment built around what I did.

I don’t regret any of my choices, but it hurts sometimes to know that the energy that I’ve given to a community or scene was valued enough to enjoy and take advantage of, but not enough to support the person providing it. Now that I’ve shifted paths – but there’s still crossover, and I create things that should appeal to some of the same people – most of the people who were part of my past life are nowhere to be found. And that’s fine; if we’re not meant to walk the same paths anymore, that’s a thing. And if I’m not worth supporting now because of that, that’s another thing. I learn from them both. I adjust my dreams.

Perhaps it sounds like I’m complaining, and it’s true that I’ve complained about this before. But no, this is just me putting it down for the record and sharing it with others who might experience the same: some people will become memories. Others will turn into ghosts: they’re still around but insubstantial, untouchable. There’s no need to mourn, this is the way of the world.

And sometimes the support you thought would be there for you is an artifact of dreams you once had. It’s time to walk through the world with eyes open and mind aware. It’s time to put memories and ghosts behind you.

Is love a thing? Oh, love a thing…
Is love a thing, I owe?
Is love thing, oh, is love a thing
Is love a thing, you know?

You turn a corner when you learn
Love’s a thing you just can’t earn
You turn a corner, looking back
When love’s a thing you’vе never had…

– Monument to Life, Phildel

I’ve worked at enough places that have folded to tell you what the warning signs are. The ownership is often part of the management, and they’re distant, uninvolved, and don’t listen to their employees or other management when they try to offer insight about the customers or day-to-day operations. Those employees go on to quit, because they care about where they work, but they’re tired of being treated like they’re unimportant. Sometimes the ownership will bring in additional management from outside, and that usually dooms the organization, because they’re not invested at all in worker culture and don’t know what brings customers to the business.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this in action.

And I’ve had to come to terms with it, because that’s just how it is: no matter how much you contribute in hours or attention or energy or love, they won’t love you back. They will fool you into believing you are loved, appreciated, valued. But in the end, you are another replaceable cog in their system and if you demand too much grease they’ll replace you. And it doesn’t matter if you’re the cog upon which the smooth running of the entire machine relies; you are replaceable to them. They’ll do it without a thought to their own detriment, because their vision and the bottom line take up their whole vision, to the point that they can’t possibly see the whole picture.

It’s capitalism, it’s hubris, it’s self-importance, it’s short-sightedness. And when it happens, there’s nothing you can do. You can ride along and wait for the crash, or you can say your piece and wait to be let go, or you can exit. All of them have their pros and cons. None of them will make you feel better about the situation.

They will never love you. You can’t let yourself start to believe that you’re important to them, or you’ll get hurt.

This applies to jobs, to volunteer positions, to organizations, to certain communities, to any group that pitches you the idea that “we’re all in this together” and “we’re a family” and “it’s an honor to work/serve here.” It’s okay to enjoy that feeling of belonging. But in the end, you need to remember that to those in charge, you will never be on the same level as them. You serve a purpose, and if you become inconvenient the chances are that you’ll be dropped and forgotten.

Do I sound bitter? I am, to some degree, only because it took me longer to figure that out than it should have. I’ve been idealistic, hopeful-eyed, ready to believe that my efforts really meant something to people who wouldn’t bother to spit on me if I was on fire otherwise. I’ve put my whole heart into my job, into my volunteer positions, into making events happen that everyone wanted but that everyone was happy to forget about who made them go on, with my time and money and sweat.

I’ve struggled to say NO to things I believed in, even after I knew they would drain me and leave me a dry and forgotten husk.

Now it’s time to love myself. It’s time to say no, over and over again, because I’ve said more yeses than I ever should. No one will love me like I will. I don’t owe them my love.

It’s a heavy weight.
I’m struggling to stay positive, you know. Just because it comes naturally to me to be optimistic doesn’t mean that I have to fight to keep that mindset when the world is falling apart. [being systematically disassembled, whatever]

I’m tired, so fucking tired. Chronic illness makes me tired, late-stage capitalism combined with an active coup is terrifying and also exhausting because that’s part of the plan, right? And everyone I love, and me too? We’re the ones most in danger. All my people are the types hated by this regime. Too poor, too queer, too neurodivergent, too disabled, the wrong skin color, the wrong background. We have no value that can be extracted as far as they’re concerned.

Together, we have power. They know that. They want us exhausted so that we forget it. That’s all part of the plan.

I’m turning my hope into a weapon of resistance. I’m funneling all my anger and fear into powering my hope, protecting it and projecting it forth to infect others. Maybe this regime will kill me. But I’m not going out without a fight, and my fight is hope-driven.

“She claims she’s found a way to make her own light
All you do is smile, you banish the night
She says she’s burning with optimism’s flames, away away”
– XTC, Burning With Optimism’s Flames

That doesn’t mean that I won’t keep promoting music and making mixes through other means. I’m just not sure what they are at the moment.

If you’ve got questions or ideas, hit me up.

Thanks for tuning in to Darken My Day, bringing you the newest and tastiest goth, industrial, darkwave, post-punk, dark electro, and related genre tracks I can find! Brand new tracks have a * next to them. 
You can catch Darken My Day streaming on Wednesdays – Noon Eastern  and Saturdays – 10pm Eastern here on Radio Xiane on xiane dot org. 
If you have a request for an upcoming show, you can leave a comment on the blog or on our Facebook page. 
Bands and labels can reach me at xiane at xiane dot org.

Ambient, drone, shoegaze, atmospheric tracks create aural soundscapes in this show hosted by Xiane. Look for new, classic, and underground tracks.

Thursdays – Midnight Eastern [5am UK, 7am Russia, Noon AWST]
Sundays – 10am Eastern [3pm UK, 5pm Russia, 10pm AWST]

Thanks for tuning in to Darken My Day, bringing you the newest and tastiest goth, industrial, darkwave, post-punk, dark electro, and related genre tracks I can find! Brand new tracks have a * next to them. 
You can catch Darken My Day streaming on Wednesdays – Noon Eastern  and Saturdays – 10pm Eastern here on Radio Xiane on xiane dot org. 
If you have a request for an upcoming show, you can leave a comment on the blog or on our Facebook page. 
Bands and labels can reach me at xiane at xiane dot org. 

Ambient, drone, shoegaze, atmospheric tracks create aural soundscapes in this show hosted by Xiane. Look for new, classic, and underground tracks.

Thursdays – Midnight Eastern [5am UK, 7am Russia, Noon AWST]
Sundays – 10am Eastern [3pm UK, 5pm Russia, 10pm AWST]

Ambient, drone, shoegaze, atmospheric tracks create aural soundscapes in this show hosted by Xiane. Look for new, classic, and underground tracks.

Thursdays – Midnight Eastern [5am UK, 7am Russia, Noon AWST]
Sundays – 10am Eastern [3pm UK, 5pm Russia, 10pm AWST]