The World of Yaxlich

Forgotten How To Blog

2008-01-29T12:37:00.000Z

Yaxlich lost his blog. He knew he'd left it somewhere but couldn't find it. Initially he thought it might be hiding underneath his Ninja socks but it wasn't there. Next he tried the vegetable soup place but, alas, it was nowhere to be seen. Then he was struck by a moment of clarity.

It was exactly where he'd left it.

He hopes that blogging is like riding a bike and he hasn't forgotten how to do it.

Songs To Blog About

2007-09-17T16:56:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich regularly gets songs stuck in his head. He doesn't mean this literally. He's never had a piece of 7" vinyl thrust into his cranial cavity or anything like that. What he means is that sometimes he remembers the chorus to a song or just a few words of a song and no matter what he tries, he cannot get the song out of his head. So they're stuck. In his head.

Today Yaxlich has the British Eurovision Song Contest entry from 1982 stuck in his head. It was by a group called Bardot and the song was "One Step Further". It wasn't very good which is why Yaxlich is having a miserable day.

He is going to try and think about Sheena later on this afternoon. He hopes it works.

Overrun By Loonies

2007-09-03T16:05:00.000+01:00

It would appear that the comment section on Yaxlich's previous post was overrun by loonies. He has now deleted the offending comment and apologises to anyone who read it. He thinks that some people are very sad indeed.

In other news, he would like to assure people that he is still alive although suffering from an almighty bout of blogstipation.

How Do They Know?

2007-08-10T00:25:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich found an article in a London newspaper tonight which he thought he would share with you.

A court has released a man caught having sex with sheep. A farmed called police after he saw a man trouserless among his flock. Bert Meijer, 36, was arrested and charged but the case was thrown out because under Dutch law bestiality is illegal only if it can be proved the animal was unwilling.

In other news, Yaxlich would like to apologise for his lengthy delay in posting anything on his blog for a while. This was because:

a) His hands fell off.
b) The Barbie Girl bird flew off to Penge with his blogging mojo and he has only just returned beacuse Virgin Trains only have a bi-monthly service.
c) The Agoraphobic Peruvian spent the last month downloading guinea pig recipes from a remote site in the Andes and was hogging the bandwidth of the flats wi-fi connection.
d) He was on a modelling assignment in Portugal.
e) He was working for the Government on a project that he cannot mention due to signing the Official Secrets Act.
f) He was involved in lengthy legal proceedings in the Netherlands and has only just returned the sheep costume to the fancy dress suppliers after he had lost his Sketchleys receipt.
g) All of the above.

AdSense Of Humour

2007-07-13T02:12:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich has just been chuckling at his latest AdSense ads:

Don't Put Up With Piles

Saddest Thing On The Internet

He thinks someone is trying to tell him something. Quite possibly that it's 2AM on Friday 13th and it's time for bed.

Strange Blogging Coincedence

2007-07-13T02:05:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich has just learnt that Iggy was born in the same hospital as him.

He wonders if any of his readers are also suffering from a bad case of Farmer Giles too.

The One Where Yaxlich Gets Piles

2007-07-10T15:29:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich has a young niece with whom he occasionally chats on MSN Messenger. He only understands every third word she says. She uses some kind of secret code that only teenagers and Scaryduck understand. Every now and then Uncle Yaxlich has to ask his teenage niece to explain what all of the shorthand means. He learnt recently, for example, that TMI stands for Too Much Information.

He wonders if his niece would consider this to be TMI.

Ever since the AP moved into the flat permanently at the beginning of the year, Yaxlich has had to be even more selective with his trips to the toilet. He regularly stores them up for when she might pop out to do some gardening or go to the newsagent to collect her copy of Pan Pipe Weekly. These rare comfort breaks tend to be something of a rush job. No longer can Yaxlich read an entire newspaper in one sitting, he has to get in, get the job done and get out in a matter of minutes.

As a result, Yaxlich has got piles.

Using a cunning arrangement involving a shaving mirror and the edge of the bath, Yaxlich has managed to view this gold medallion award winning collection of fine Shiraz grapes at close hand as he gently dabs at them with the Preparation H. He found it terribly embarrassing going into the chemists to buy the Worlds leading haemorrhoid product to “relieve rectal itch and anal pain”* so he picked up a new toothbrush and some Ralgex at the same time. He was very careful when unpacking the carrier bag to ensure the two products were placed at opposite ends of his bedroom in case a 3am trip to the toilet was required and he picked up the wrong tube.

Tomorrow Yaxlich is going out to buy a childs inflatable ring to put on his office chair.

* if any copywriters are reading this, you might consider giving a pitch to the folks at Preparation H as Yaxlich thinks they could do with a new marketing slogan.

Dramatic Chipmunk

2007-07-06T03:22:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich will blog more about his prolonged absence from t'internet later but, in the meanwhile, he thought he would post some more videos because it's

Lazy
Easy
See above

He is particularly enamoured with the dramatic chipmunk. It makes him laugh. A lot.

If you have not discovered the pleasure of the dramatic chipmunk then he suggests you watch this clip

After that, view the Kill Bill remix

The Lost version is funny too

And finally watch the Dramatic Veronica version. It's not particularly ground breaking but Yaxlich thinks that Veronica is very cute. In fact she made his Beefy McManstick go funny.

Technology

2007-07-05T14:23:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich was experimenting with technology earlier today and he has come to the conclusion that he's not very good at it. He was trying to record a bird that lives outside his flat. Every morning it wakes Yaxlich up with it's cheery singing and he wanted to share it.

This bird doesn't just chirp or chirrup like any normal bird. No. This bird sings the opening line to "I'm A Barbie Girl". It doesn't just sound a bit like "I'm A Barbie Girl", it IS the opening line to "I'm A Barbie Girl" and he realised that without some kind of proof that you would never believe him which is why he was found standing outside his flat this morning pointing his mobile phone at a tree.

So there you have it. It turns out that the little birdie in the tree had his mojo all along. It wasn't Doctor Evil after all.

No Mo Mojo Woe

2007-07-05T14:13:00.000+01:00

Mojo

2007-06-05T11:33:00.000+01:00

For the benefit of John G, here is the Wikipedia definition of a mojo:

Mojo is a term commonly encountered in the African-American folk belief called
hoodoo. A mojo is a small bag, a type of magic charm, often of red flannel cloth
and tied with a drawstring, containing botanical, zoological, and/or mineral
curios, petition papers, and the like. It is typically worn under clothing.

Yaxlich is glad to have been of assistance.

Dream

2007-06-04T10:44:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich had a dream last night.

He was at school and had been made to stay on because his exam results weren't good enough. All of the other children and even the teachers were making fun of him and calling him a thicky. He didn't have any friends because nobody wanted to hang around with the boy who had been dropped a year. The boy who was 37.

It was a very disturbing dream and he feels a bit sad this morning.

Does anyone know what this dream could mean?

Blogging Mojo

2007-05-29T02:21:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich has lost his blogging mojo. He doesn't know where it's gone. The disappearance seems to have coincided with the Agoraphobic Peruvian moving in. Maybe she has put some kind of Incan curse on him and stopped him blogging.

This would be very unfair. She's preventing him from partaking in two of his favourite past times.

1. Blogging
2. Doing noisy number twos

Maybe it's time he put his foot down and said:

Oi! Agoraphobic Peruvian! No! You may well have come from the 20th largest country in the world with a Human Development Index of 0.767. We appreciate the cheap guano imports as well as opportunities to explore the Machu Picchu but enough is enough! Let this Englishman blog and poop in peace.

Either that or he'll move out.

Memo

2007-05-29T02:13:00.000+01:00

Not Updated

2007-05-19T14:04:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich's blog hasn't been updated much this week has it? In fact, since he started work, his output has been very low. He wonders why this is. Maybe he'll have a word with himself and do something about it soon. He hopes so.

Winky Winky Bum Bum Poo Poo Titty Titty

2007-05-13T12:07:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich recently moved from Sitemeter to Google Analytics. He's very pleased that he did because they have lots of pretty pictures and loads more stats. For someone like Yaxlich who loves numbers, this is great.

One of the other advantages of is that they give him loads more Googlies to look at. He's been chuckling this morning over some of them including geriatric sperm, politically correct ginger hair, why does cheese make me fart, the less expensive monkey in the world and who discovered the word plethora.

He's also seen a number of people searching for a particular video. He has know idea why they thought they'd find it on his blog but he feels really bad that they went away empty handed so he's decided to do something about it.

He doesn't know what it's called but he's guessing it's "The Winky Winky Bum Bum Poo Poo Titty Titty" song. At least that's what he's going to be calling it.

Beautiful Plumage

2007-05-10T10:51:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich would like to point out that he is not dead. He's resting. He is shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

He hopes to return to blogging shortly. In the meanwhile, please feel free to browse the archives and purchase anything from the refreshment stand. The angel cakes made by class 3c are particularly nice.

Single

2007-05-02T14:03:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich received a wedding invitation this morning. It made him sad. Not because his friends were getting married. No. He thinks they will make a lovely couple and have beautiful, if slightly disfunctional, babies.

No. The reason he is sad is because the invite was sent to 'Yaxlich'. Not 'Yaxlich + 1'. Just 'Yaxlich'.

Even his friends know that Yaxlich won't have a girlfriend by June.

Mrs Eyebrows

2007-04-30T16:49:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich had to head into his local Big Town today. When he was there he saw Mrs Eyebrows. It looks like she's got a job for the local council. Either that or it's a new fashion to wear bright flourescent tabards with the name of your local government authority written on the back.

Tabard. A sadly underused word. He thinks he might use it more often.

Blogger Smells Of Poo

2007-04-26T12:59:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich just spent the last hour writing a post. It was a good one. Sadly you'll never read it because Blogger decided to eat it for no apparent reason.

Yaxlich hates Blogger. It smells of poo.

UPDATE: It also ate Zoes post too. It really is mean today.

Yaxlich Revealed

2007-04-24T01:30:00.000+01:00

As requested by The Girl and Zoe:

Happy Birthday, Blog

2007-04-20T01:53:00.000+01:00

One year ago today, Yaxlich started a blog which he called The World of Yaxlich. He said at the time

"Yaxlich doesn't know what he's going to say on his Blog. Sometimes Yaxlich has lots to say and sometimes he doesn't have anything to say."

Over the last year he has blogged about all sorts of things including dogs with blogs, fat people, Playstation addiction and a certain medical condition. He launched a charity, corrected the BBC, made some rubbish Photoshop pictures, discussed his winky, won an award or two, had toilet issues, suffered from mutant eyebrows and talked about old mans baby gravy. Other things discussed have been polar bears winkies, farting, not being gay, sheep poo, books, films and the purpose of daddy longlegs. A post made in October found its way into a book but posts about rude town names, how to cure hiccups, Friday 13th, farting cows, bogies, botty problems and irritating women didn't. He got one year older, tried to make a difference, discovered a man with a firework up his bum, met smelly unemployed people, wrote a guest article on one of his favourite blogs, saw some big breasts and discussed penis size. Along the way he has picked up some great Googlies, laughed at fart videos, celebrated Christmas, discovered a new Teletubby, answered memes, invented a new phrase, challenged spammers, talked about musical condoms and discovered the key to eternal happiness which led to him posting yet more Googlies, getting a new job, having cheesy dreams, writing about dogs wiping their arse (and subsequent video), women with willies, constipation and showing the world pictures of his underpants.

He thinks he might have been right. Sometimes he just simply doesn't have anything to say.

Tales From The Pant Drawer Part 4

2007-04-19T11:32:00.000+01:00

Tales From The Pant Drawer Part 3

2007-04-18T16:18:00.000+01:00

Tales From The Pant Drawer Part 2

2007-04-18T15:59:00.000+01:00