Kate Upton may be wearing the world’s smallest bikini bottoms on the cover of the 2012 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, roughly a third of the size of a surgeon’s mask. Consider it my early Valentine’s Day gift to you.

Topless in next month’s Esquire:

Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd’s new movie “Wanderlust” comes out February 24th, so Jen strips down to her bra and the two of them playfully wrestle (and no doubt playfully banter) in next month’s GQ. I don’t know… everything Jennifer Aniston does just seems so rehearsed. It’s almost like she had already acted it out with her dolls beforehand.

Gabriel Aubry ordered to have supervised visitation… and no more overnights over at daddy’s for Nahla. Halle Berry pwned his ass in court. (Celebitchy)

Playboy’s Shannon twins in their incestual undies for Nuts magazine. (G Celeb)

Five pearls of Scottish wisdom… (Caveman Circus)

The Abraham Lincoln vampire hunter trailer is finally here! Now you can go kill yourself. (COED Magazine)

Justin Bieber glossed his hair. I bet he got his nails did, too! I better go write this in my diary. (INF Daily)

Kate Upton cutting off her own t-shirt is one of the sexiest things you’ll see all week. Trust. (Hollywood Rag)

Emma Watson see-through nipslip: five words that make any Monday better. (Celeb Jihad)

Adele looks downright sexy on the cover of Vogue, but that’s just the miracle of Spanx and photoshop. (The Blemish)

Katy Perry’s blue hair sucks almost as much as her blue dress. Grammys FAIL. (Celeb Slam)

Vanessa Hudgens looks like she should be wandering around a tropical island barefoot with a hibiscus blossom tucked behind one ear. (Moe Jackson)

Is Jonah Hill getting fat again? Or is that just his spare chin? (Seriously? OMG)

A hodgepodge of hilarious Star Wars pics for my fellow geeks in the universe. (Ned Hardy)

Last night’s Grammy Awards was the second most watched Grammys ever, with over 39 million viewers tuning in to see the tribute to the late Whitney Houston. People Magazine says:

Whitney Houston’s death 24 hours before the event turned the CBS special into a night of mourning and celebration cresting on big, pure emotions.

LL Cool J, who handled the hosting duties without any perceptible wrinkling in his uncanny smoothness, opened with a simple prayer for Houston, “a woman who we loved … our fallen sister.” This set up a clip of the six-time Grammy winner belting her signature hit “I Will Always Love You.”

The song was reprised by Jennifer Hudson in one of the night’s high points. You wouldn’t have blamed Hudson if she fumbled it, but it was a strong, humble, honest interpretation – a sincere salute to Houston, and not an attempt to outshine her.

My heart is as black and as cold as they come, but seeing her in her prime in that tribute clip really gave me a case of the sads. Lipsynching “Greatest Love of All” into a hairbrush was practically a rite of passage for girls in the eighties. I can’t stand Barbra Streisand, but I really think she said it best: “How sad her gifts could not bring her the same happiness they brought us.” Rest in peace, Whitney.

A complete list of the night’s winners after the jump; Jennifer Hudson’s tribute to Whitney below:

Album of the Year: “21,” Adele

Record of the Year: “Rolling in the Deep,” Adele

Song of the Year: “Rolling in the Deep,” Adele Adkins & Paul Epworth

New Artist: Bon Iver

Pop Solo Performance: “Someone Like You,” Adele

Pop Performance by a Duo or Group: “Body and Soul,” Tony Bennett & Amy Winehouse

Pop Vocal Album: “21,” Adele

Alternative Album: “Bon Iver,” Bon Iver

Rock Song: “Walk,” Foo Fighters

Rock Album: “Wasting Light,” Foo Fighters

Rock Performance: “Walk,” Foo Fighters

Hard Rock/Metal Performance: “White Limo,” Foo Fighters

R&B Album: “F.A.M.E.,” Chris Brown

R&B Song: “Fool For You,” Cee Lo Green, Melanie Hallim & Jack Splash

R&B Performance: “Is This Love,” Corrine Bailey Rae

Traditional R&B Vocal Performance: “Fool For You,” Cee Lo Green & Melanie Fiona

Rap Album: “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy,” Kanye West

Rap Performance: “Otis,” Jay-Z and Kanye West

Rap Song: “All of the Lights,” Jeff Bhasker, Stacy Ferguson, Malik Jones, Warren Trotter & Kanye West

Rap/Sung Collaboration: “All of the Lights,” Kanye West, Rihanna, Kid Cudi & Fergie

Dance Recording: “Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites,” Skrillex

Dance/Electronica Album: “Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites,” Skrillex

Musical Theater Album: “The Book of Mormon,” Robert Lopez, Trey Parker & Matt Stone

World Music Album: “Tassili,” Tinariwen

Latin Pop Rock, Rock or Urban Album: “Drama y Luz,” Mana

Tropical Latin Album: “Last Mambo,” Cachao

Banda or Norteno Album: “Los Tigres Del Norte and Friends,” Los Tigres Del Norte

Regional Mexican or Tejano Album: “Bicentenario,” Pepe Aguilar

Country Solo Performance: “Mean,” Taylor Swift

Country Album: “Own the Night,” Lady Antebellum

Country Performance by a Duo or Group: “Barton Hollow,” The Civil Wars

Country Song: “Mean,” Taylor Swift

Jazz Vocal Album: “The Mosaic Project,” Terri Lyne Carrington & various artists

Jazz Instrumental Album: “Forever,” Corea, Clark & White

Improvised Jazz Solo: “500 Miles High,” Chick Corea

Large Ensemble Jazz Album: “The Good Feeling,” Christian McBride Big Band

Blues Album: “Revelator,” Tedeschi Trucks Band

Folk Album: “Barton Hollow,” The Civil Wars

Pop Instrumental Album: “The Road From Memphis,” Booker T. Jones

Bluegrass Album: “Paper Airplane,” Alison Krauss & Union Station

Americana Album: “Ramble at the Ryman,” Levon Helm

Reggae Album: “ Revelation Pt. 1: The Root of Life,” Stephen Marley

New Age Album: “What’s It All About,” Pat Metheny

Children’s Album: “All About Bullies… Big and Small,” various artists

Producer of the Year, Non-Classical: Paul Epworth

Remixed Recording, Non-Classical: “ Cinema (Skrillex remix),” Sonny Moore

Gospel Song: “Hello Fear,” Kirk Franklin

Gospel/Contemporary Christian Performance: “Jesus,” L’Andria Johnson

Gospel Album: “Hello Fear,” Kirk Franklin

Choral Performance: “Light & Gold,” Eric Whitacre

Classical Contemporary Composition: “Elmer Gantry,” Robert Aldridge & Herschel Garfein

Producer of the Year, Classical: Judith Sherman

Orchestral Performance: “Brahms: Symphony No. 4,” Gustavo Dudamel

Opera Recording: “Adams: Doctor Atomic,” Alan Gilbert, conductor

Spoken Word Album: “If You Ask Me (And Of Course You Won’t),” Betty White

Comedy Album: “Hilarious,” Louis C.K.

Compilation Soundtrack Album For Visual Media: “Boardwalk Empire,” various artists

Score Soundtrack Album For Visual Media: “The King’s Speech,” Alexandre Desplat

Song Written For Visual Media: “I See the Light,” Alan Menken & Glenn Slater

Historical Album: “Band on the Run (Paul McCartney Archive Collection – Deluxe Edition),” Paul McCartney

Instrumental Arrangement Accompanying Vocalists: “Who Can I Turn To (When Nobody Needs Me),” Jorge Calandrelli

I wanna try to get all the Whitney stuff out of the way before we start talking about last night’s Grammy Awards, so you might want to sit down before you read any further. Turns out it was a mixture of pills and alcohol that killed her, not drowning. Shocking, I know. The Daily Mail says:

Whitney Houston died from mixing a cocktail of Xanax and other powerful prescription drugs with alcohol.

Her family has allegedly been told by Los Angeles County Coroner officials there was not enough water in her lungs to conclude she had drowned in her luxury hotel bathtub and in fact died before her head went under water.

And in more depressing Whitney-related news, daughter Bobbi Kristina has been hospitalized twice in the last 24 hours amidst rumors that she’s become suicidal. The Daily Mail says:

The teenager was first admitted after allegedly passing out after drinking alcohol and then taking a sedative pill given to her by one of her mother’s entourage to calm her down upon learning of [her mother's death].

She was then pictured being taken out of the Beverly Hilton — the same hotel where her mother had died just hours earlier — on a stretcher at 10:30 am yesterday and being rushed to Cedars-Sinai where she was treated for extreme anxiety.

She was released several hours later, but friends and family are still very concerned about her mental state.

It’s all just so tragic. I’m sure you’ve been bummed out all morning. But hopefully, these nude(ish) pics of Olivia Wilde for Lance Staedler will cheer you up just as much as they did me. They really did wonders for the ol’ morale, if you know what I mean.

In fact, I think I’m gonna go cheer myself up with them again right now. BRB:

By now you’ve no doubt heard, but 48-year-old pop legend Whitney Houston was found dead in her Beverly Hills hotel room bathtub on Saturday, just hours before she was to take the stage at Clive Davis’s annual pre-Grammy party. TMZ says:

Her stylist, hairdresser and two bodyguards were among the people in the room… theybecame worried about Whitney because she had been in the bathroom for over an hour and it was time to start getting ready for the Clive Davis party.

They began to knock on the door and there was no answer. The hairdresser, who is female, went in to check on Whitney. She immediately screamed and, according to our sources, one of the bodyguards came running in and pulled her out of the tub.

We’re told Whitney’s face was below the water and her legs were up, like she had slid down the back of the tub.

Her body was very cold and the bodyguard attempted CPR. That’s when hotel security was called.

Paramedics arrived shortly thereafter, but Whitney was pronounced dead at 3:55 PM.

Initial coroner’s reports indicate that water was found in Whitney’s lungs, but whether she died from drowning or whether it was the “plethora of sedatives, including Lorazepam, Valium, Xanax, and sleeping medication” found in her room that actually did her in still remains to be seen, and toxicology results won’t be back for at least another month. So sad. Such a waste of talent and life. Not to mention I had Lindsay Lohan waaaay ahead of her in my celebrity death pool. That’s another five bucks I won’t be getting back.

Beyoncé and Jay-Z posted the very first pictures of their one-month-old baby Blue Ivy Carter online today. The Daily Mail says:

Instead of selling their first baby pictures to a glossy magazine for millions the music megastar couple decided to take control posting snaps of Blue to a tumblr blog.

[A message posted alongside the photos read]: ‘We welcome you to share in our joy. Thank you for respecting our privacy during this beautiful time in our lives. The Carter Family.’

Awwww… baby hands! They’re like my kryptonite. I’ll be incapable of sarcasm and vitriol for the next half hour at least.

I know when I think “withered-up prune puss,” one of the first names that comes to mind is Kris Jenner, so it makes sense that she’d be chosen as the spokemodel for the a new female sexual enhancement product called Zestra. And also, there’s nothing that bitch won’t slap her name on. No-thing. The Daily Mail says:

In a statement the mother-of-six said: ‘I’ve been lucky enough to discover a new, amazing, revolutionary product that helps women get in the mood and ready for romance in minutes.

‘It’s forever changed my experience in the bedroom and I’m sure it will do the same for you.

‘And, who wouldn’t want to try something that works in minutes and makes sex feel… well, amazing? I love instant gratification.’

Not surprisingly, however, the product is crap and doesn’t work. Just ask anyone stupid enough to trust their genitals to Kris Jenner. They’ll tell you:

Zestra currently holds a two star rating overall on Amazon, with most users only marking it one out of five.

One user said: ‘I would have enjoyed a lit stick of dynamite more,” while another [user added]: ‘This stuff smells like dirty bacon grease.’

Not just any bacon grease, mind you — dirty bacon grease. Trust me, a conesuuier of pork products like myself can definitely tell a difference.

VS model Adriana Lima in Vogue Brasil, because she doesn’t smell like rancid bacon rinds:

The beautiful Kim Cloutier in Cosmo UK. (G Celeb)

If “Twilight’s” Kristen Stewart being replaced by… Jackie Chan? It’s the best thing that could happen to that franchise. (Celeb Jihad)

Whitney Houston’s doing great. You can tell by how sweaty she is. (Celeb Slam)

Beyonce and Jay-Z have already trademarked their baby daughter Blue Ivy’s name. Wow. (Celebitchy)

LeAnn Rimes’ head looks like it was kept in a vice overnight. Seriously, she looks like one of those Utapau natives in Star Wars Episode III. (Evil Beet)

If you’re feeling blasphemous today, ten seriously funny Jesus pictures. (Caveman Circus)

That’s why you wanna steer clear of Pepper Roy. He steals shit. (The Dirty)

Remember Yesica Toscanini in the 2007 Sports Illustrated issue? Allow me to jog your memory and your dominant hand. (Moe Jackson)

Snooki and JWoww claim that The Situation is actually gay. It makes sense if you stop and think about it. (popbytes)

Hilary Duff’s rack is three times it’s regular size. Hooray for pregnancy hormones!(Popoholic)

Amanda Tapping’s name rhymes with “fapping.” I don’t think that’s just a coincidence. (UseMyComptuer)

Aw, it’s the first nipslip of New York Fashion Week! That means six more weeks of winter! (Holy Moly!)

Madonna calls M.I.A.’s middle finger “negative and out of place.” Said the lady who once masturbated with a crucifix live on stage. (Bitten & Bound)

Amy Adams’ baby is adorable. (INF Daily)

Coco has since removed this photo of her lying naked next to her baby nephew from her Twitter page, because for some reason, people found it “objectionable.” And I bet the social worker that’s coming to visit will be even more uncool about it. You know how those guys freak out every time they see visible genitalia.

Kylie Bisutti beat more than 10,000 hopefuls when she won the Victoria’s Secret Model Search two years ago, but she has since abandoned the company because she felt Jesus didn’t want her modeling lingerie. She said in an interview (via the Daily Mail):

“I just started becoming more uncomfortable with [modeling lingerie] because of my faith… my body should only be for my husband and it’s just a sacred thing.

I didn’t really want to be that kind of role model… I had a lot of younger Christian girls that were looking up to me and then thinking that it was okay for them to walk around and show their bodies in lingerie to guys.”

I personally think she’s rejecting her God-given talents, because breasts like those could certainly convince me to give religion another try. Hell, “Jesus Christ” were the first words outta my mouth when I saw this picture of her in a bikini.

In Maxim before her convictions ruined everything: