Coco was on Miami Beach with her husband Ice-T and her nieces yesterday, and as usual she looked like what would happen if Geppetto had a side business carving adult-oriented puppets, and the Blue Fairy showed up drunk and brought the wrong puppet to life.

Looks like somebody finally punched Pete Wentz in the face. (LitelySalted)

That pregnant Kardashian isn’t pregnant anymore.  Here are some pictures of her womb fruit, if you’re into that sort of thing. (PopEater)

Katie Holmes wants to get a Tom Cruise tattoo. (CelebNewsWire)

Oh look, it’s Kristen Stewart as a blonde. (AB)

This makes me so sad.  Zelda Rubenstein is dying! (PopCrunch)

Michael Lohan kicked his ex in her vagina.  He’s all class, that one. (WWTDD)

Adam Lambert is going Single White Female all over that kid from Tokio Hotel. (Allie)

Megan Fox was voted “Worst Actress of 2009″.  Awww, it’s nice that she won something. (Celebitchy)

Scarlett Johansson is still boringly pretentious, even about her New Year’s plans. (ICYDK)

There’s a new werewolf in town on True Blood. (ASL)

Miranda Kerr may or may not be a real woman, apparently. (IDLYITW)

I have no idea why this is such a big deal since Britney Spears changes her hair colour constantly, but the webernets are all a-flutter over the fact that Brit’s gone back to dark hair.  So… there you go.  That’s the whole story.  Oh man, I’m dizzy from all this excitement.  I think I might need to lie down.

At the Mondrian Hotel yesterday:

Kim Kardashian watched some dumb magic show with Ashton Kutcher, and she got peed on.  Seems to happen a lot with that girl.  From her blog:

I stopped by Katalyst while Ashton Kutcher was filming! They had this little monkey that the magician, Dynamo, made appear! I thought he was really cute at first, but then he peed on me!! Ashton said the monkey had pooped on him, so I didn’t feel too bad, haha. Gross little monkey! This magician was amazing, though. He did the craziest card tricks!

Holy shit!  That is a lot!  Of exclamation points!!!1!!  But then I guess it’s not a newsflash that urine gets Kim Kardashian really excited.

So… The Taylors broke up.  I guess that’s sad for them or something, but listen, this is really all about me and how displeased I am that we can’t have Taylor & Taylor Time anymore.  Because it’s creepy and hilarious when people with the same name date each other, and I am easily amused.  Whatever.  Anyway, from Us:

So much for the two Taylors finding love.

After three months of dating, country singer Taylor Swift and New Moon star Taylor Lautner have split, UsMagazine.com has learned.

“It wasn’t really developing into anything, and wasn’t going to, so they decided they were better as friends,” a source close to Swift, 20, tells Us. “There was no chemistry.”

The pair — who met on the set of the romantic comedy Valentine’s Day — first sparked rumors of a romance when she hugged him at her October 9 concert in Rosemont, Illinois. They have since been spotted on several wholesome dates — like their frozen yogurt date at Menchie’s alongside Swift’s mom earlier this month — and have each coyly alluded to their relationship on separate Saturday Night Live hosting gigs.

However, the relationship officially fizzled when Lautner, 17, flew to Nashville for Swift’s birthday party on Dec. 13, a friend of the singer reveals.

“He liked her more than she liked him,” the source tells Us. “He went everywhere he could to see her, but she didn’t travel much to see him.”

Lucky for Lautner, the split won’t inspire angry songs like those written about ex Joe Jonas — who dumped Swift during a 27-second phone call in 2008.

“They plan to stay friends,” the source says.

In fact, Swift — whose friend says she is a “hopeless romantic” who “wants everything she writes about” in her songs — will likely reunite with the Twilight hunk when they begin promoting Valentine’s Day, out Feb. 12.

What?  I’m sorry, I fell asleep.  Jesus, these two are boring.  No wonder Taylor & Taylor Time got canceled.  I like Taylor Swift though, so if we can just find another Taylor for her to date then we can still have Taylor & Taylor Time.  It’ll be just like when they switched Darrins on “Bewitched”.

Oh hey look, one of The Jonas Brothers got married.  Not The Middle One (aka The Gay One) and not The Little One; it was The Old One.  I know that even squeeing tween Jonas Brothers fans don’t care about The Old One, but apparently People Magazine doesn’t know that, because his wedding photo is on their cover like it’s important or something.  But oh mah gawd, y’all, you HAVE to see the article they wrote about it, because this wedding was pretty much the fruitiest thing since Sunny Delight:

Kevin Jonas and Danielle Deleasa’s wedding earlier this month was like a fairy tale – complete with a castle, an enchanted forest and glass slippers in the bride’s shoe size, a gift from the groom.

“I knew that my princess needed her glass slippers and her castle,” Jonas told PEOPLE of the nuptials.

“I always wanted my wedding to have that princess feel,” adds the new Mrs. Jonas. “I couldn’t have imagined this,” she says of her lavish wedding Dec. 19 at Oheka Castle in Huntington, New York.

Despite a blizzard blanketing the roads around the castle, the wedding went forward without a hitch, and the bride, escorted by her father Thomas “Bucky” Deleasa, walked down the aisle to “Bella Notte,” from Lady and the Tramp, played on the guitar by a friend of the Jonas family. “I’m an Italian girl. It just fit me and my dad,” said Danielle of the song choice.

She wore GLASS SLIPPERS, you guys.  And her dad’s name is Bucky and she walked down the aisle to a song from goddamn Lady and the Tramp.  That’s like a clinical level of retardation.  Which I suppose means this marriage is serendipitous, since Old Jonas looks clinically retarded.

I still have no idea who Sofia Vergara is, exactly, but she’s not ugly and she’s fond of swanning about with her impressive rack on display, which basically makes her an internet superhero.

Joe Francis pitched a hissyfit when Gawker named him Douche of the Decade, because Joe Francis is an immature, creepy skeezebag.  Also, he looks like something sculpted out of earwax by a retarded, blind monkey.  Seriously, that dude’s entire head is one of the fugliest things I have ever laid eyes on. (LitelySalted)

Jude Law and Sienna Miller appear to be back together. (Celebslam)

Leonardo DiCaprio and Bar Refaeli might be back together, as well. (TheBlemish)

Brett Ratner is on St. Barths, looking like he ate the plane that flew him there. (WWTDD)

Lindsay Lohan has a new boyfriend that she’s drowning in drama. (Celebitchy)

I love Drew Barrymore, but Jesus Christ, sometimes photos of her look like documentary footage of a homeless lady circa 1986. (ICYDK)

Jennifer Garner took her adorable girls to the park. (SOMG)

Rihanna in Barbados in the world’s most unflattering hot pink bikini. (TheGrumpiest)

Michael Lohan is still a delusional assclown. (EvilBeet)

There was a break-in at Jon Gosselin’s NYC apartment.  Maybe.  He’s a famewhoring liarpants so the whole thing could’ve been faked for attention, but on the other hand, the entire world DOES hate him so it’s not a real stretch to imagine someone breaking in to wreck his stuff. (DListed)

Angelina Jolie does some reshoots for Salt in a crazy fur hat. (JustJared)

After a tumultuous year of triumph and sorrow, Lily Allen Cutewatch ‘09 is wrapping things up, my pretties.  We’ve had some good times (remember the trouser vendetta and the ducky outfit?) and some sad times (more often than not, Lily and I were in a fight) and then Lily went and broke my heart when she announced her two-year hiatus from music and then basically became a damn hermit.  So there may or may not be a Lily Allen Cutewatch ‘10 or a Cutewatch ‘11 but by God, THERE WILL BE A CUTEWATCH ‘12!

In the meantime, my beloved Lily Allen will be gracing the pages of the January 2010 Harper’s Bazaar Russia, because why not?  Russia is just about as far away as she can possibly get, and we all know how she likes to play peek-a-boo with our hearts.  I can let Lily run though, because much like Pepé Le Pew, I have unshakable faith in the power of our imaginary platonic love affair.  Besides, if I keep skipping along, I will eventually catch up with her.

Divinely crazy and topless (as usual) in the January 2010 Harper’s Bazaar Russia:

I do not know, nor have I ever heard of, any real live flesh person who actually watches that talk show Tyra Banks does.  Which is probably for the best, since Tyra’s quitting.  From E!:

“This will be the last season of The Tyra Show,” she tells fans on her website. “I’ve been loving having fun, coming into your living rooms, bedrooms, hair salons for the past five years…[Your] love and support is always felt by me and it’s given me the courage to take more exciting steps in my life. So I thank you for that.”

The lights are set to go dim in spring 2010, at the conclusion of the fifth full season.

“My next huge steps will allow me to reach more women and young girls to help us all feel as fierce as we truly are,” she says. Among those projects will be movies, she promises.

Ugh.  Oh my God, I don’t care.  I’m so boooooooored.  You can’t even help me feel as fierce as a baby hamster, Boring Lady.  Jesus, remember back when Tyra had a little more meat on her bones and she was batshit insane?  No, seriously, remember this?

Holy shit, Crazy Tyra was AWESOME.  Crazy Tyra was as fierce as it gets.  I might’ve cared about what business that Tyra was getting up to, but Skinny Tyra is dull as dishwater.  I need for Tyra to go back to eating, like, deep fried bacon & mayo sandwiches, or whatever.  Sandwiches as crazy as she has the potential to be.

Lookin’ scrawny and boring as hell at the airport on December 5th:

Ivana Trump was forcibly removed escorted from a Delta flight on Saturday, essentially because she is a dragon lady who wouldn’t stop breathing fire.  From Us Weekly:

According to the Associated Press, Trump’s 60-year-old former wife became angered by a group of children running in the aisle of her first class cabin while the flight was waiting to depart Palm Beach International Airport en route to New York.

Flight attendants were unable to calm the socialite down and the pilot taxied the plane back to the gate where law enforcement tried to convince Trump to voluntarily exit the aircraft.

When she refused and continued to hurl obscenities at crew members and fellow passengers, deputies “physically escorted her off the aircraft,” a department spokesman told RadarOnline.com.

Hee!  This totally isn’t actual news at all, but it’s hilarious anyway and Lord knows there’s nothing ELSE going on for us to laugh at.  I’m very amused by the idea of crazy old Ivana sitting there shrieking about vile wee beasties, and probably demanding to know where their nannies are.  Still, this whole thing would’ve been way better if she’d thrown a drink in someone’s face and then spit in their eye and been arrested.  Why you gotta hold out on me like this, Ivana?

Salut, mes porcelets!  It’s Sarah.  As Sonya told you last week, Abby’s on vacation until after New Year’s and I’ll be with you until then.  Are you excited?  Well don’t be, because so far today is seriously the most boring thing in the entire universe.  There is absolutely nothing of any interest going on, so I guess that means we have to talk about how Charlie Sheen got arrested on Christmas morning in Aspen.  I know nobody really gives a shit about Charlie Sheen, but he used to be kinda famous so I guess this technically counts as news.

Anyway, Charlie Sheen and his wife, Brooke Whatsherface (that’s her legal name), were staying in a rented house in Aspen for Christmas, and at 11am Sheen was arrested on charges of felony second-degree assault, felony menacing, and misdemeanor criminal mischief.  Incidentally, what the HELL is “felony menacing”?  Is that, like, inappropriate scowling?  To an illegal degree, apparently?  I can only hope that somewhere in the police report are the words, “Subject was skulking and hulking at a felony level.”

What was I talking about?  Oh yeah, Charlie Sheen got arrested for pushing his wife around.  There’s really no more to this story, but if you’re clinically retarded enough to be super interested in the most boring crazy person on earth, you can read more about Charlie Sheen’s arrest on Radar Online.