31-year-old reality whore Kim Kardashian confirmed today that the upcoming season of Keeping up with the Kardashians would feature her new boyfriend Kanye West. Because featuring her last boyfriend worked out so well last time, you see. The Daily Mail says:

‘I’m not going to be taking a bubble bath and drinking champagne or on a sex swing [on camera] like Khloé and Lamar do,’ Kim told E! News. ‘It’s not going to be like that.’

But Kim said fans can expect to see Kanye on the show, with Kim saying: ‘I want to show my life.’

I wish Tupac Shakur were still around. Then he could bitch-slap Kanye for agreeing to star on a fucking E! reality show. After he’d pistol-whipped him for that extended director’s cut of “Runaway,” of course. I figured that really went without saying.

Miranda Kerr dresses up as a Grecian goddess at the Women of Style Awards. (Celeb Slam)

Kris Jenner’s beauty is just about as natural as her daughter’s, as evidenced by her enormous fake top lip. (The Blemish)

Is it just me, or does Zooey Deschanel look like SNL’s Fred Armisen in a Bettie Page wig? (Evil Beet)

Carrie Underwood disgraces her new husband with a bunch of sexy pictures. I think I speak for everyone when I say “fuck you, Mike Fisher.” (Celeb Jihad)

Transformers 3 star Isabel Lucas looks like she punched her way out of a grave after doing blow all night. I think it’s the shade of lipstick she’s wearing. (Hollywood Rag)

In case you needed more than “it’s a poor people drug,” 12 reasons to never do meth. (COED Magazine)

22 things a burglar would never tell you. Like how that sweater really brings out the green in your eyes or that that you strike him as a Sagittarius with Capricorn tendencies. (Caveman Circus)

One Republic drummer arrested after going on a rampage! Maybe someone sat him down and forced him to listen to him music for three hours straight. That’d set me off on a rampage, too. (Bitten & Bound)

Gwyneth Paltrow is smiling like that in the hopes you won’t notice that she forgot to brush her heir. (INF Daily)

LeAnn Rimes is thinking about taking out a restraining order against Brandi Glanville. That should work out nicely for the stepkids and everything. (Celebitchy)

Lady Gaga’s sold-out Indonesian concert is canceled. They can go back to plague and plight now. (Allie is Wired)

Hilary Duff is still chunky. There, I said it. (G Celeb)

If third-year womyn’s studies haircuts and Lestat-esque complexions are your thing, you just stumbled onto a gold mine called Anne Hathaway in a bikini, my friend. Knock yourself out.

Poolside at the Setai Hotel in Miami this past weekend:

Thanks to this picture of Kristen Stewart, you now know what Regan MacNeil would have looked like as an adult if Father Damien and the power of Christ hadn’t compelled her. That squat probably means she’s either about to piss the red carpet or violate herself with a crucifix again.

With the infinitely more beautiful Charlize Theron at the “Snow White and the Huntsman” premiere yesterday:

Tom Cruise did a spread for W Magazine as his Stacee Jax character from this summer’s sure-to-be biggest box office turd, “Rock of Ages.” Playing a sad, washed-up former star clinging to the tattered remains of his career must have been a real stretch for Tom.

The sexual assault and battery lawsuit that Masseur Number 2 filed against John Travolta last week won’t be going to trial, not because it’s baseless and without merit, but because both he and Travolta have agreed the case should be heard in mediation. And what does mediation entail, exactly? I’m glad you asked. Radar Online says:

“Both sides will agree to keep all transcripts sealed, as well as all witness statements, depositions, etc. The lawsuit will be heard by a private judge, who will decide how much money if any the accuser will receive. All of the proceedings will be strictly confidential.

This is done for a plethora of reasons, mainly, this will allow the masseur’s identity from being made public, and it would just be a media circus if it did go to trial. This will be the best way for the case to be heard with minimal disruption to John Travolta and the masseur’s life.”

And just as a recap, masseur number 2′s suit alleges:

While working at an unspecified resort in Atlanta, January 28, 2012, Doe Plantiff No. 2 did an in-room massage on Travolta, as the massage came to an end “Travolta suddenly turned on his stomach with his legs wide open with a full erection. He then tried to force Doe Plaintiff No. 2′s hand on Travolta’s scrotum.

Then, Travolta started to grab, rub and caress Doe Plaintiff no. 2′s upper thighs and buttocks….Travolta still had an erection and wanted his abdominals done, but Travolta’s erection was in the way and he refused to have his penis covered by a sheet of a pillow case cover…Travolta started masturbating about 15 minutes left in the session, and Doe Plaintiff No.2, said he had to go.”

It’s a tale as old as time. Boy meets man, man gets massage, man tries to make boy touch his scrotum and then jerks off when boy refuses. I think we’ve all been to sleep-away camp before.

To un-gay this post, some candids Sports Illustrated covergirl Kate Upton took during her SI shoot:

A sex tape starring male supermodel Tyson Beckford has surfaced and is currently being shopped around to the highest bidder, but before you get all excited, you should know it’s really less of a sex tape and more of just forty-five minutes of him beating his meat. TMZ says:

The seller insists the 45-minute tape shows the former Polo model pleasuring himself during a recent internet video chat with a female model.

During the chat session, Tyson makes references to some of the movies he’s appeared in … and talks about some of his co-stars.

So he jerks off for the better part of an hour. Big deal. Masturbation, like public urination or insurance fraud, is really a victimless crime at heart.

Shortly after announcing that Britney Spears had signed on to become a judge on X Factor, Fox revealed that former Disney star Demi Lovato would be joining her illustrious ranks as the fourth and final judge for the upcoming season. People magazine says:

Confirmation of their new roles was made Monday at the FOX upfronts in New York City.

“I’m so excited about this whole experience,” Spears, 30, said. “It’s going to be so much fun and so different from anything I’ve ever done. I’m ready to find a true star.”

“I am totally stoked to be here,” Lovato, 19, added. “I’m excited to represent my generation and I’m ready to find the winner.”

I think it’s clear why they went with Demi Lovato. The raw sex appeal. And I of course mean “raw” in the “inner thigh chafing” sense of the word. She’s about to Hulk right out of those pants she’s wearing.

Performing in Buenos Aires two weeks and 73 chalupas ago:

Kim Kardashian posts a pic of herself as the New Jersey tan mom. Oh, that Kim and her hijinx. (The Stir)

Some legendary Barney Stinson quotes, for those of you who can actually stand “How I Met Your Mother.” (Caveman Circus)

Miami Dolphin cheerleader tryouts. You’re welcome. (Busted Coverage)

Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr in her underwear FTMFW! (G Celeb)

Is the insufferable Karmin run already over? Yeah, I have no idea what those words mean. (Gawker)

Maria Menounos shows off her Dancing with the Stars sculpted legs in a minidress. (popoholic)

Victoria Silvstedt might as well be a blowup doll at this point. She looks like the unholy result of fusing plastic with silicon and rubber. (The Grumpiest)

Brandi Glanville says she wanted to stab LeAnn Rimes right in her stupid implants. (Celebitchy)

Cristiano Ronaldo hand-feeds chocolates to his Sports Illustrated swimsuit model girlfriend Irina Shayk. Personally, I’d rather see him hand-feed her a sloppy joe. (Moe Jackson)

The lovely Jennifer Metcalfe in Loaded magazine. (Hollywood Rag)

Kristen Stewart is incapable of closing her mouth, even for an Elle photoshoot. (Skinny vs Curvy)

Kim Kardashian in a Kris Jenner wig is equally unpleasant as the real Kris Jenner herself. (Bitten & Bound)

Now you’ll never have to wonder what Jennifer Love Hewitt will look like in twenty years. (Evil Beet)

Undeniable proof that Arrested Development is returning! Never-nudes everywhere rejoice! (Crushable)

Statistics indicate you’re more likely to encounter an Asian Crested Ibis on your way to work than see Lindsay Lohan in a bra, but lo and behold, she’s actually wearing one in these pictures. That probably means odds are good that one of us is getting struck by lightning this afternoon.

In L.A. on Friday afternoon:

Christina Aguilera has always been rumored to be a self-important bitch, and it certainly doesn’t help when her own co-stars call her a “fucking cunt” and the show’s executive producers resort to fining her every time she’s late to compensate for the thousands she’s costing the show in delayed production. According to Radar Online:

“Christina is consistently about two hours late to [the set],” a source [says].

“Whatever her fine is now doesn’t bother her… [but] higher-ups on the show want to raise it to a number that does bother her so she actually arrives on time.”

Christina has often clashed with her Voice cohorts [Adam Levine, Cee Lo Green and Blake Shelton].

“They can’t stand how late she is. And when she [finally] gets to set she still has to go through hair and makeup.”

I’m sure her people would argue that she WAS at the studio on time. It’s really just a question of whether you consider ransacking the catering vans for an hour and a half in the hopes of finding more ham part of her job description.

Screencaps of her performance with Mann. Eat your leathery heart out, New Jersey tanning mom!:

Although countless media outlets reported that Britney Spears had already signed on as the newest judge on “X Factor,” it’s not actually a done deal until Fox officially announces it at the unveiling of their fall lineup on Monday. TMZ says:

Sources connected with Britney tell us… the deal should be signed in the next day or two. The goal is for FOX to make the announcement Monday at the Upfronts in NYC.

The deal will definitely be signed, but not by her. Since she’s under a conservatorship, Jamie Spears and Jason Trawick — the co-conservators — will be the ones to sign.

The contract must be approved by the judge handling the conservatorship, but sources connected with Britney tell us … it has already been pre-approved.

I might have actually watched this if it were the old Britney Spears, the one who shaved herself bald and spoke in a British accent and would take a swing at you with an umbrella if you got too close. It would sure make the whole elimination process a lot more entertaining. As would a trap door over a rancor pit like the one in Jabba’s Palace.

$15 million dollars is a small price to pay for beauty that radiant: