• You start saying the same things to your siblings that your mom said to you.
• Your siblings accidentally call you Mom.
• You’re always counting heads to make sure everyone is accounted for.
• Your siblings ask you what’s for dinner even when it’s not your night.
• Your siblings come running to you first, or call for you when they get hurt.
• You long for a small “normal” family, but when you go visit one, you find yourself bored.
• You start referring to everyone in the family younger than you as “the kids”.

If you answered “me, too!” or filled in the blank above with your own “second mom” sentence, then this post is for you! As the oldest of twelve children I have 20+ years of experience as a big sister aka “second mom” and I would love to encourage you and share with you some of my dos, don’ts and do overs.

Dos

Do love your siblings! I have some regrets about how I spent my years as a second mom, but one thing I don’t regret is loving my siblings, pouring into them, and investing in them. Much like a mom, a second mom sacrifices a lot. It’s not easy to always be the responsible one, especially when you want to act like a child too. But it’s worth it. The kids may buck at the authority your parents delegate to you, and they may not always include you in things, but they will respect you and come to you when it counts, when they need love or advice.

I don’t regret loving or sacrificing anything for my siblings – God used those lessons powerfully to make me who I am today. And God has a plan for you, too – to use the weight of the responsibility you feel now as you lead by example. A plan for the servant’s heart He is building in you with every diaper you change, dish you wash and scrape you bandage.  Do keep pressing forward by not giving up, because as long as this season feels, it’s only a season and in a few years everything will be different. Live this season of life – don’t just survive it. Live this season by letting it make you instead of break you.

What type of person do you want to become? That person will be forged in the fires of this season as a big sister. Godly character starts by knowing the Lord and serving Him. Jesus says:

“And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones because he is my disciple, I tell you the truth, he will certainly not lose his reward.” (Matthew 10:42)

A simple thing like giving someone a drink, or changing a diaper, or vacuuming a floor has eternal rewards when done to the glory of God. Do love your siblings by loving your God first.

Don’ts

I made the mistake of alienating myself from my siblings by being bossy with them. It’s natural to buckle under the weight of the responsibility and authority you have and become bossy. When you’re home babysitting and Mom leaves a list of things that need to be done, it’s so easy to get frustrated and yell at the kids to pick up or behave. It takes wisdom and maturity to take a step back and develop a relationship with your siblings (they will listen when there is a relationship over enforced rules). Don’t let perfectionism reign (any other oldest daughters struggle with perfectionism or people-pleasing out there?).  Talk with your parents about the frustrations with your delegated responsibilities rather than taking them out on your siblings.

There is truth to the old saying ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ and the most important part of the village is the family. Everything goes more smoothly in the family when each member pitches in to make it a safe, uplifting, and comfortable environment for growth. The delegation of responsibility rests on the parents’ shoulders and should be done in proportion to each child’s age and maturity. Responsibility in the home is what prepares for real life. Oldest children just have a tendency to take additional responsibility or be delegated more until the other children grow up a little more. (Please note: in some cases parents delegate too much and burden their children; that is not what I’m advocating or referencing in this post.)

Do-Overs

My biggest regret in being a second mom was that I didn’t have fun with my siblings. I stayed in the mom role and forgot I was a sister, an equal, a friend. Put up the mom hat for a few minutes every day and just enjoy your siblings! Have fun with them! Take them to the park, read them stories, enjoy them. (For some great ideas, click here.)

My friend Sarah (check out her blog here!) is the oldest girl in a family of ten. I often look at Sarah and wish I had been more of the kind of sister she is. Sarah loves spending time with her siblings because, as she puts it:

“I find the most joy in just being super close to them all by being that mom figure, in a sense, and still their sister. There is always someone to play with, someone to hug and something to teach them. And it is all worth everything when you hear them say ‘I love you’ or — how it works in my house — ‘you’re my buddy’.”

Sarah has joy because she found the balance of being both a sister and a second mom.

Five years out of my parent’s house and I get to be “just” a sister again. And I love every minute I get to spend with my siblings – I only wish I had enjoyed them sooner when I lived with them.

Are you a big sister who gets to be a second mom sometimes?  What lessons have you learned as you help with your siblings?

Big Sister: Second Mom is © 2012 Young Ladies Christian Fellowship. All Rights Reserved.

I’m always on the lookout for good children’s music, especially with little ones who enjoy it so much.  The only problem is, it needs to be music that Mommy enjoys too, as I end up hearing it over and over and over again.  And maybe I’m just picky, but I haven’t found much children’s music that fits the bill.  I grew up on Psalty and Steve Green’s Hide ‘em in Your Heart cassette tapes, but I wanted something new for my kids.  There are a couple lullaby CDs that we enjoy (especially Michael Card’s Sleep Sound in Jesus), but they aren’t always the best for everyday, non-sleepy listening.  So I was kind of at a loss.

But then, about a month or two ago, my husband was online and offhandedly mentioned that he just sent me a link that would “rock my world”.  I wondered what on earth he possibly could have sent me, but as soon as I clicked through, I discovered he was very right.  One of our favorite musical artists, Sandra McCracken, had teamed up with several other women to form the musical group, Rain For Roots.  They were going to be releasing their first album Big Stories for Little Ones, described as “a collection of 10 new folk songs about classic Bible stories for young children”.  Yes, indeed — my world was rocked.

From the first listen, I fell in love with this album.  This was exactly what I had been looking for!  Simple songs beautifully sung, all about Jesus.  What more is there to want in a children’s album?!   The lyrics to the songs were written by Sally Lloyd-Jones, the author of The Jesus Storybook Bible.  We recently got that for Cedar as his first Bible and we all love it.  As the book’s subtitle states “Every story whispers His name”, and that’s true of the Rain For Roots’ songs as well.  While about different Bible stories, every song comes back to Jesus.

This album passes the “Mommy Test” with flying colors, but what about my kids?  They love it, too!  Whenever we turn it on, an atmosphere of peaceful joy abounds as we hear, “Sing and dance and leap and run, His name is Jesus, little one!”.  And so we dance and jump and sing and Cedar will often get out his “guitar”.  His favorite part?  That he can hear all the “little kids singing about Jesus”.

My only complaint is that the album is so short.  Altogether, the ten songs end up being about a half hour long and I would gladly listen for much, much longer!  But it honestly isn’t a huge problem — we just keep the album on repeat and end up listening to it several times a day.  And we have yet to even get close to tiring of it.  My kids love the fun music and Cedar is even starting to remember some of the words and sing along.  And this mommy loves the gentle reminders to keep her eyes on Jesus and her little ones in His hands.  For “the King of Heaven, the Great I Am, He is your Shepherd, little lamb.”

To go along with each digital copy of Big Stories for Little Ones is a little digital booklet with the lyrics and chords for each song.  This resource is a great addition to the album in that in enables these kids’ songs to not just be ones that you sing along to in the car, but ones that you can teach your kids’ friends (and their parents!) as you all sing together with a guitar.

Rain For Roots: Big Stories for Little Ones releases today, May 15th, and to celebrate, they have generously offered to give away one digital copy (with booklet) to a YLCF reader.  To enter, just comment answering the question, “What is your favorite childhood song?”.  You can also get an extra entry (just remember to leave a separate comment for it!) by sharing about this giveaway through some kind of social media.  The giveaway ends on Wednesday, May 23rd, at midnight PST.

If you want to get your Rain For Roots album now, you can buy it here and get 10% off by using the discount  code “YLCF”.  And don’t forget to “like” the Rain For Roots Facebook page to hear more about their project.

Rain For Roots: Big Stories for Little Ones (review and giveaway) is © 2012 Young Ladies Christian Fellowship. All Rights Reserved.

It stalks us, confuses us, winds its tendrils around our throats and suffocates us. And mothers seem to have captured the dubious honor of cornering the market on guilt. We receive it in the condemnations of friends and strangers alike, those who question and criticize our every parenting decision as if making sure we realize our complete ineptitude at motherhood is their primary mission in life. We dish it out upon ourselves, many of us so addicted to guilt, so helplessly driven by it, that we must provide the judgmental voices in our heads whenever those around us are mercifully silent. And worst of all, as mothers, we pile guilt upon each other in a frightened attempt to console ourselves that we have less with which to reproach ourselves than our fellow moms may have.

Sometimes it is over things that are superficial. Silly.

Do we use a pacifier for our babies, or do we let them suck their thumbs? Should I let my children have sugar? Am I going to keep this baby weight forever? Why can’t my five-year-old read yet??

Then it gets heavier. Harder.

Homebirths or hospitals? Attached parenting? Letting them ‘cry it out’? Breast feeding or bottle? Immunizations or no? Co-sleeping? Spanking? Homeschool, public school, private school??

And it slides deeper, darker.

When I miscarried last fall, I was consumed by an unexpected flood of guilt. Your body failed, it told me. What kind of a mother does that, lets go of her baby? It chewed away at my heart, all this guilt. Guilt over my body’s betrayal in not holding on tightly enough to that precious baby, guilt over feeling such tremendous sorrow over the loss of one while I was still so blessed to hold the three we already had. Guilt over not “getting over it” more quickly while the world moved on around me, guilt over getting over it TOO quickly. It sounds so strange, but I think that the guilt was more overpowering than the grief itself.

But now for a moment of truth. These feelings of guilt are bestowed upon us by society, by other moms, even by ourselves…but they are not God-given. God does not sit in the corner of our house critically analyzing the lack of perfection in everything we do, or making snide comments to cut us down, or casting us into spasms of guilt over every sin or mistake — past or present, real or imagined. What does He do instead? Jesus said, in John 14:27,

“Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”

Peace is the gift God is offering us, and peace is the opposite of guilt. Peace is a heart at rest, a heart that is not troubled, as Jesus said. Peace is the result of God’s mercy and love, which have washed away our very real guilt through Jesus’ blood. His voice is gentle and compassionate, calling us to accept His gift.

When the verdict is always, “Guilty!” is © 2012 Young Ladies Christian Fellowship. All Rights Reserved.

by Holly Clouse

The first time I heard it, I froze.

I was talking to my son, and I told him something, and I sounded exactly like my mom. It was the same phrase, the same tone.

“Is my mom here?” I thought, looking around.

No, it was just me, watching Landon’s retreating back as he took off to do my will. I shook it off, and moved on.

And then I did it again. And again. “I sound like my mom!” I’ve come full circle. Back to what I remembered growing up, back to memories and family dinners, and cleaning and school. I know we have the same smile, and I know we have many of the same mannerisms, but now I sound like her! It felt weird. Like it wasn’t me. I want me! I’m supposed to be doing my own thing, supposed to be raising kids how I would raise them, I’m supposed to sound like me!

But over dishes and vacuuming and answering client emails, I thought about it more. I thought about the mom I remember from growing up.  How she worked tirelessly, how she prayed for us, how she made us soup on Mondays and Mexican food on Fridays, and how she was always there for me, like she still is today. I thought about how hard she worked and still works for her family, and how beautiful and manicured her hands look no matter what work she’s done. I thought about her laughing over yard work, and singing with my brothers, and her late night talks telling “secrets” with my sister and I, and our mutual love of popcorn and almond roca. I thought about how I never remember her raising her voice at us, not even once, and how life never seemed to fluster her.

And then, I didn’t mind anymore. Now, I don’t mind sounding like my mom, and I almost hope I do for my kids. I hope they can see some of their grandma in me — that we look alike, yes, but also that we both care, and love unconditionally. I hope they see that I work hard for them, that I’m always there for them, and that any time they pick up the phone, no matter where they are or what they’ve done in this big huge world, they’ll know that I love them and I’m there.

Sometimes I look at my little Emma in amazement. She reminds me so much of myself some days that it hurts. Her smile, her mannerisms, sometimes it scares me.

Why me? Why was I one of the ones entrusted with this great and daunting task of raising a girl? A princess? Girls copy their moms, they want to copy their moms. And Emma, she does. She watches, more than I realize, and then one day I turn around and see this little person, with the same sense of humor, with the same goofy laugh I always wanted to be rid of, with the same tomboy ways, and I freeze. Me? You want to be like me?

And I realize, all over again, that as each generation comes, as each new woman and then new mom is created, they make a new journey, new habits, new love.

I hope, Emmalia May, that someday you freeze. With your hands in the dishwater and the phone ringing, and the washing machine buzzing, I hope you realize you sound just like me, and just like your grandma. And Emma, I hope you’re just fine with that. A little proud, even, for the good habits you took on, and the bad habits that you were able to forget and let fly away, like the breeze. And I hope you’re a tomboy forever.

Holly has been married for five years and is the busy mommy of two darling cuties, grateful for the adventure of life that God gives.  She is a photographer and business owner, and loves coffee, the ocean, and the color blue!  (This post was originally published on hollyclousephotography.com.)

mothers and daughters . . . is © 2012 Young Ladies Christian Fellowship. All Rights Reserved.

“It’s official! We’re adopting!”

This isn’t the first time we’ve heard this. As an adoptive family, our friends and relations who make this big leap often come to us to share in their joy. Upon hearing this news, I am commonly struck with two emotions. The first is excitement. I am excited for the journey this family is about to take, excited for this unknown child who is being given another chance at a loving family, excited by the fact that the Church Body is reaching out to the fatherless.

It is then that the second emotion strikes. I fear that this family isn’t prepared for this journey; I fear that this child won’t adjust to this life-change and I fear that the Church Body won’t support this adoption. Don’t get me wrong, most Christians applaud adoptive families, but few actually go through with giving them the vital long-term support they need.

Here are a few tips on supporting adoptive families as they bring new children into their homes:

1. Give Financially

A few years ago, my parents were in the process of adopting four children when a woman from out of state heard of us and contacted my mother. She began sending us $50 a month and writing my mother sweet letters of encouragement. Five years after the children came home, we still find a card and check in the mail once a month from this faithful woman. She had nothing extraordinary to offer (not even great wealth), but what she chose to give has had an extraordinary impact on my family.

As this dear woman understood, the Bible is clear that we are to “look after orphans” (James 1:27), but that doesn’t mean that everyone is called to adopt.

If you cannot adopt or foster a child yourself, consider sponsoring an adoption. There are many good-hearted couples that would love to take a child in, but are struggling financially. Contact an adoption agency or a specific family in your church who you know is trying to adopt.

 2. Give Other Good Gifts

The last thing an adoptive family needs is more baggage, neither emotionally nor literally! There is often chaos in the home during adoption, such as when my siblings came home two-by-two with very little warning. A sack of secondhand items to be sorted and distributed would have been more trouble than anything. However, do consider asking if there is something you could provide. Bringing meals, diapers, new or gently used bedding, clothing or toys can sometimes make a big difference, especially as adoption through the foster system can often be an abrupt event, nearly impossible to prepare for. Ask before you bring anything — that way their specific needs can be in the forefront of your mind when you are shopping for or collecting items.

3. Babysit

Adoptive families sometimes have difficulty in finding babysitters for their children. This could be because of the number of children or because of special needs, but either way, parents all need a break once in a while! Offer to babysit so that the parents can go out on a date. Don’t be intimidated; do feel free to bring a friend. Don’t try to get personal information about the children; do ask for specific instructions. Adopted children are often sensitive and needy, so go at the job with an open mind. This is a beautiful ministry to the children and parents!

 4. One-on-One

It is common for adoptive families to have one child who simply does not fit in. This is not necessarily anyone’s fault, but is an understandable occurrence in adoption. Sometimes this child has mental special needs, and though well-loved, requires so much hands-on assistance that the family becomes exhausted without any time spent apart from that child. Other times the child has behavioral issues. Many adoptive children act up primarily around their family and behave much differently around strangers or friends. Taking this difficult child away for a while can work wonders for a family’s emotional well-being. Bringing them to your home or out for a movie and ice cream not only gives them the attention they are ultimately craving, but allows the remaining family members to have a relaxing evening.

5. Pray

Do not forget to lift these families up in prayer — before they adopt, during their adoptions and for the years to come! The Lord knows the hearts and needs of both parent and child better than any family counselor ever could, so ask Him to bless His children as they answer His call to “look after orphans.”

Another Way to Look After Orphans is © 2012 Young Ladies Christian Fellowship. All Rights Reserved.