We have a few missing trees in the backyard due to that first snow storm of the year last October or November so I’m going to have to see what we’re going to have to do to fill in those now empty spaces. I’m pretty sure that I’ll find something.

The better I feel the more motivated I am do get some projects done. According to Disability I’m supposed to find comfort and happiness in something and to learn more about myself and experience life. Not roll into the fetal position never leaving the house…which I’ve done for the past 2-3 years (not the whole time, just the majority) and I’m ready to get back into society and do some volunteer work.

I recently volunteered to build a website for one of the local marijuana dispensaries when I noticed they didn’t have one. It’s something to keep me busy and something they can get for free. Win Win.

More tomorrow. I’m tired tonight.

One show that just premiered Wednesday February 22nd called “American Weed” on the Discovery Channel talking about Colorado Medical Marijuana. The first episode featured Fort Collins as the topic of discussion and more specifically the medical marijuana dispensaries. For those that don’t know every single medical marijuana dispensary in the city limits of Fort Collins got shut down on February 14th because they didn’t want medical marijuana dispensaries to have public and visible “storefronts” like other retail stores. What’s so close minded about this is that California has pretty much set the standard of dispensaries and one little town like Fort Collins won’t “change” that. What they are doing instead is making some very sick people who have tried everything else trying to find some sort of relief from whatever they suffer from and literally taking the medication out of their hands leaving them to go back to suffering and having no meaning or quality of life. Are there people out there that are prescribed 120 Oxycodone a month that don’t really need it? Yes. Are there people out there that have a medical marijuana card that don’t really need it? Yes. The question here is, what harm is it? Oxycodone and other narcotic drugs are extremely addicting. Oxycodone is a synthetic form of heroin. Is heroin harmful? I don’t think there is any question about that. Are there people out there in severe pain that benefit from narcotic pain meds. Yes. There are also people out there that are tired of the side effects and the horrible withdrawal if you try to get off those pain meds. There is no withdrawal from marijuana, there is no liver damage, lung damage … zero damage. Benefits? Every single day marijuana is helping more and more aliments including the big C itself, cancer. There has even been some research that marijuana has cancer curing properties. Imagine, criminalizing the cure for cancer. That’s why marijuana prohibition has to stop. I hope that Colorado is the one that does that this November since it will be up for vote. The real heartless thing about all of this is all those dispensaries closed down, family business lost, thousands of people unemployed AGAIN, and Fort Collins Cancer patients who use medical marijuana to help with nausea and appetite and pain were faced with having 2 of their cancer drugs unavailable to them .. marijuana and methotrexate. Methotrexate supplies recently fell due to a drug company in the north somewhere being shut down.

I don’t understand how Fort Collins could vote for thousands of people getting laid off especially in this day and age and economy. These Fort Collins politicians are making a situation worse and honestly for those of us who have been hit the most by this recession we’re barely holding our heads above water. American Weed told this story about how come kids in middle school showed up with marijuana. When they further told the story (the real story) the story was as harmless as could be in the big picture but sad and tragic in the long run. A man was growing marijuana on the side of his house in his backyard on his property he owned. A few neighborhood kids went over and pulled a few leaves off the marijuana plant and took it to school with them. For those not educated … this plant wasn’t “flowering” .. it was still in the growing stage so what harm would have come to these kids had they happen to get their hands on a few fan leaves? NOTHING! Even if they were stupid enough to try and smoke it they would have gotten headaches at best because the actually marijuana plant is just that. A plant. It’s not the plant that is smoked but the FLOWERS of the marijuana plant. A marijuana plant doesn’t flower until it’s second half of life when it’s under 12 hours of sun and 12 hours of full darkness. Until then it’s in it’s vegetative state. Even then, if it’s a male plant it’s not going to flower at all so …. in the end the cops ended up taking this homeowner who had cancer to jail. Who wins in this situation? No one. Instead a man with one foot in the grave is spending his end days in jail. It’s wrong, just wrong. People need to be educated about marijuana. It’s been taboo for so long because society said it was bad. The hard facts however are hard facts. Just go to www.RxMarijuana.com and read one of the hundreds of patient stories on how marijuana has helped them. It’s not a bunch of high school kids smoking … I’m talking about it being given to kids for autism, autistic kids actually write their own stories on that site, people with seizers, depression, anxiety, ADD/ADHD, IBS, nausea, wasting syndrome, hundreds of aliments. That’s out of the mouth of patients.

Anyway, issues like this I get really fired up about. I’m pretty passionate about the medical marijuana movement here in Colorado and I think it’s a good thing and it’s helping out so many people. I’ve done my research that’s helped me form these opinions and I encourage everyone to research the facts and know the difference between a myth and fact. Alcohol is so bad for humans when used in excess killing thousands a year or more. There hasn’t been one single death in which someone died of smoking too much marijuana. Not one. The benefits are so numerous … it could save struggling farms by growing industrial hemp so we can stop deforestation and we won’t have to rely on all the chemicals they put in cotton these days for clothes. It gets even bigger than that…

I have good news! I got approved by Disability! I feel so relieved. I’ve needed this help for years. I’ve only heard horror stories about Disability so I was very nervous going into the process. I was approved the first time around and it took 8 months from the first meeting with my social worker to the time he called a few weeks ago to let me know I had been approved. He said that I was the most well prepared client he’s every worked with. Momma-K’s mouth just about dropped to the ground when I told her about that. I’m about the most disorganized person I know but I do file when the piles get too big. It’s not hard to write down information or at least put it in your cell phone. Anyway, payments start in March. Brendan still hasn’t been able to find work so this is going to help out so much. My medication is really expensive too so this will really help. I can’t get on Medicare until after 24 months of being on Disability so I’ll have to have my own health insurance until then (and probably afterwards too, sigh).

I have a few projects I’ve been wanting to work on lately and I’m just pulling my resources together to see how doable my idea is. I’m not sure I’ll get into it here but I’m about 80% sure I’m going to open that pandora’s box. It’s nothing bad or horrific. It’s actually a really good thing and it’s helping me feel better.

Now that I’m on Disability (fibromyalgia, depression, scoliosis, ADD, and asthma. haven’t added thyroid problems to the paperwork yet because I’m still trying to get on the right dose of thyroid meds) I don’t want the label as being disabled. My heart and mind work just fine..it’s my body that’s giving me fits.

I’m on a schedule now and that’s really been helping. I usually get up between 8-10am and go to bed before midnight..most nights. I’m in a process now of weening off my pain meds and that’s been hard in all aspects. I hate the way the pills make me feel and I want to find alternative ways of dealing with the pain. I don’t nap in the afternoon and I’ve been cooking a lot more lately. I even make Brendan sit down with me at the dinner table to eat dinner. We’re re-organizing everything and making a spot for everything to go. I’ve been experimenting with different cooking recipes and so far I haven’t burned anything. YET!

I plan to break my hiatus and do a 30 blog posts in 30 days to get me started again.

For those of you who are blessed with health insurance more often than not dental insurance isn’t ever an option or if it is the insurance company would pay for a cleaning or a routine annual checkup. Anything beyond that and it’s out of pocket. Depending on your economical status and the ability to pay those higher prices for the gold and silver packages of health insurance when millions of American go without each and everyday. Would it be so hard to pay a little in taxes if we could be reassured that we would be taken care of if we ever got ill?

The last 2 years have been a huge change for me when it comes to my attitude about money. I was always able to make enough money to live comfortably all my life until I got sick. If I wanted to go to the store and pick out a candle just because it smelled good I’d do it without thinking twice about it. These days I drink store brand soda and I jump at any chance someone says “free food” .. my luxury this last year has been buying books on my Kindle and now I’ve even stopped doing that and trying to find some good free ones online. There used to be a time in my life I would have items such as the new Kindle Tablet or iPhone 5 or iPad2 on pre-order (if they had that option) and sure, I couldn’t splurge on as many dinner’s out to eat but it usually all worked out. Now I have a pile where I have Brendan put the coupon value pack when we get it in the mail. From transitioning from the lifestyle of feeling financially secure to not knowing where your next meal will be has been one of hardest transitions I’ve ever had to make in my life.

I’ve just recently lost the last of my really good digital camera’s on my trip to Wisconsin and I had $100 of birthday money so I got myself a Flip phone. Right now I’m relying on my iPhone as being my only still motion camera and it’s just .. cumbersome. I know that I can’t go to the store and get a new one. I still haven’t been able to replace my Digital SLR since that live at the bottom of Glenmere Lake now and it’s been nearly two years since that’s happened. Taking pictures along with my many other hobbies has been art and photography. Not that I can’t afford my art supplies I don’t have my camera to turn to either. And I can’t just go to the store to pick up something new, not because it was the hottest thing on the market, but because I’ve never been in this position before. I even pawned my iBook after I came home from visiting Darci to get money due to unexpected bills. I’m hanging on by a thread and I losing those things that I used to be able to do that made me happy and I used to feel so inspired and creative.

I hate how much money is so woven into our society and into our lives. Those days of me getting the latest and greatest have been over for 2 years now. I’ve been giving it serious thought about doing a garage sale, it’s just the time and effort that would have to go into doing it. I have another avenue too that might be opening up that poked it’s widdle head over the horizon recently.

Why have I decided to put it in book form? I’ve had so many people ask me to tell them everything that has happened and the enormity is just too vast to put in an email or over an evening meal. It’s 33 years of a full circle joining as one again. I’ve had a lot of book idea’s for the last few years as it was. Some of them are halfway finished, some I started on or haven’t edited yet. My sister, Darci, and I have started a book together. It’s mostly her book and I read through and put in my two cents or if changes need to be made. I have decided to concentrate on my “Journey of Family” book first (not sure if that will be the ending title, but it’s how I will refer to it until there is a finalized title).

I’ve been getting back in the habit of writing after a month and a half long writers block. For the last few years I’ve been mostly writing in the analog form. The good old paper journal and a pen. Shortly after my trip when I flew out to see Brendan and meet up with Darci and Shane I ran out of pens and because money is as tight as it can be right now I just stopped writing. Writing for me is not only therapeutic but it helps me work through my thoughts better especially with the ADD. I also get too claustrophobic in my own body if I don’t get all those emotions, thoughts and feelings outside of myself and writing is my vice for that. Last month I’ve trying commit to writing everyday again in my LiveJournal (friends only) just to type and free write. It’s been helping as it always has and I felt confident enough to start back up here on my public blog. Not saying it’s going to be an everyday thing, but I’m going to shoot for at least twice a week. I don’t want to over pressure myself along with the other projects I’m working on that I can’t talk about it. Stay tuned!

Brendan arrived in his Penske moving van on July 2nd. I drove to Platteville and met him at the cemetery so I could finally introduce him to my Father. We had planned this ahead of time. When he called letting me know he hit Brighton I was so full of energy. I bought this house a month after we got divorced with the mild hope that one day we could share it together. It’s been a big house for just the one of me (and the kdis of course) so the excitement of coming full circle, this year of dream after dream coming true, I was shining. When I was about 1/2 mile from the cemetery he called me letting me know he arrived. I stayed on the phone with him until I could walk up and give him the biggest hug, holding him, holding onto home (oxygen tank in tow). I won’t get into the introduction between Brendan and my Father because it’s one of those memories that is so meaningful one tends to cherish it selfishly.

We headed toward Greeley in a follow-the-leader fashion, me in the lead. I told Brendan about the road system in Greeley so he would start getting an idea. It’s really easy. Streets run east/west, ave’s run north/south. All the streets are numbered and run in chronological order so it’s pretty easy to find your way around once you know the area you live in. Once Brendan was home, and slightly unpacked we went to Fort Collins for dinner at the Armadillo to celebrate his homecoming.

When we got home it was like we picked up where we left off. One difference. There has been LOTS of laughing. I remember going to sleep that night and waking up some 36 hours later. Ever since I’ve been extremely exhausted (I’m also trying to get off my oxygen). I thought it was part of my fibro flaring up until Mom reminded me how fearful I’ve been living alone. Listening for every sound. Don’t get me wrong, I live in a GREAT neighborhood, and I’ve been living like this for the last 2 years. I didn’t realize how much stress and energy I have been hauling around on my shoulders and the safety of having Brendan here let me release all that pend up anxiety and I’m getting it out by sleeping. I’m awake more and more each day and we’re enjoying each day with each other working together instead of apart. I guess we’re taking every single mistake we’ve made with each other and learning from it. Did I mention we’re doing a lot of laughing?

In a week and a day I’ll be leaving on an airplane to Wisconsin where I’m meeting my sister, brother, brother-in-law and my beautiful little niece who will be turning 1 year old on the 30th. From the airport we’ll be driving to Momma Dawna and Papa’s house. I can’t wait. I’m going to really try to get off this oxygen before I leave. I’ve been taking 1 liter when I sleep and try to go without it while I’m awake. I sort of have my days and nights mixed up again. Sleeping durning the day when it’s hottest, and being awake at night when it’s nice and cooled down. We’re getting A/C soon, it’s going to be so nice. And we’ll get used to days instead of nights, especially with Brendan looking for work.

So that’s the latest news in my personal life. More to come with the creative side of life.

It wasn’t until I moved to Florida back in 2005 when I started finding confidence within myself, my decisions, and my life. I put all my time and energy into my job learning as much as I could as quickly as I could and when I found my husband I never once thought anything could stop my uphill climb. When I got sick, lost my best friend, job, husband, and house I not only took a major face plant, but I didn’t even try to get back up on my feet again. I waved my white flag in defeat believing that that was the end of me. I erased all the hopes and dreams I had once had and replaced those with negativity, self-pity, depression, and filled up the emptiness with what-if’s, and what-might-have-beens. I convinced myself that everything bad that’s ever happened to me was somehow my fault or that I deserved it and that my purpose in life was to be other people’s punching bags and doormats to wipe their muddy boots on. I ALLOWED myself to believe that not because it was true but because my hope meter was on empty and I didn’t know how to change that. I didn’t think that I had the power within me to try.

When I first moved back to Colorado I started writing, a LOT. I would fill a 5′ 9″ 400 page journal front and back every few months. I poured all the poison within me onto those pages letting my subconscious take over, taking the poison out of me and along with my art I slowly started to heal. I think I was on my 4th journal when I re-read that first journal and realized that I was at a different place in my mind and heart than I was when I first vomited up the bile through a pen onto page after page and realized that through words and through writing, I’ve always managed to keep some sort of balance in my life. It was the times I didn’t write when I would self-destruct and life got off kilter, no matter what the circumstance. I started reading old journals from high school, and from middle school all the way back to my very first journals that started in elementary school and through my own words I saw that I grew with each journal, and with each year, through each problem, with each heartache. I started reading my old poetry and saw my growth from the first one I’d ever written to the last one. Since all things happen for a reason, and they happen when they are supposed to, finding my biological family couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. It was the first time I felt I deserved to be happy.

With my newfound confidence that came from within I allowed myself to be happy, because I deserved to be. My glass when from being half empty to half full. Next thing I know, I’ve reconciled with my husband and even though he never really left my life or heart – he returned with a freshness that was new again and lovely. I learned acceptance, forgiveness, and the voids that were ever present the last 32 years of my life were full for the first time. I learned who I was, and allowed myself to love myself. I learned what unconditional truly meant and said goodbye to the haunting ghosts of the past so I could focus on the rainbows of tomorrow. I’ve also learned to listen better to life’s whispers instead of waiting for life to smack me across the head with a fry pan to get my attention. With that, I’ve learned to trust my heart.

Sure, I still have bad days and the occasional moments when I feel sorry for myself but as each day those times grow less and less and my focus is on what really matters. There has always been people in my life who have believed in me, but I don’t really think a person can accept that until they find that belief within themselves. So what holds me back these days? Only I can hold me back and with that knowledge I become a little more free. My focus now is completing that word free, and turning it into free-DOM and I know I’ll get there, someday.

The last few weeks my asthma has been giving me fits. Colorado has been quite hazy lately due to the Arizona wild fires and because 2 + 2 = 4 it was a no brainer why I’d been having difficulty breathing. There were several times last week that I “almost” went to urgent care when my O2 levels started dipping down between 90-93. A few years ago when I still lived in Georgia I purchased my own pulse oxygenation gadget (if you’ve ever been in the ER or the hospital, it’s that little thing they put on your finger to monitor your pulse and the oxygen levels in your blood system) from CVS, recommended by my pulmonary doctor after my last asthma attack that landed me in the hospital for a few days and later on home oxygen for a month. Normal is between 93-100%.

Last wednesday my breathing was extremely labored to the point my ribs hurt and the pain was radiating to my back because I was having to consciously breath. I had been doing breathing treatments for a week and using my fast acting inhaler (ProAir) but neither were working. I texted my oxygen levels throughout the day and my numbers kept going down from 93%, to 90%, to 88% and I reluctantly made the decision to go to the ER once I got down to 86% when I started to feel faintish. I knew what would happen before I left since I’ve been hospitalized 3 times previously for this very same occurrence and brought my kindle with me expecting to sit in the ER for a few hours. I was pretty pale by this point and Momma K told me my lips looked white. WHen I got there I got yet another breathing treatment, they took down my history and decided to put me on 2.5 liters of oxygen. Once my oxygen deprived body got some oxygen I almost immediately felt better and the color started to return to my face. When they took the oxygen away an hour later I had dropped down to 85% in less than 30 seconds so they made the decision to admit me to the hospital because I was so hypoxic.

Out of the 4 times I’ve been in the hospital for my asthma, this last time was the most pleasurable. All the nurses were so nice and helpful, and most of all … sincere. When a person is so sick to where they need to be in the hospital the positive and kind energy of the staff makes all the difference between wanting to get well and staying hopeful or being at the other end of the spectrum of hopelessness and depression. With all my medical problems in the last 4 years there hasn’t been one single person as dedicated to helping me as my two nurses on duty, Rhonda & Shane. I’ve gotten so used to being let down, or not finding answers, or having the knowledge that I wasn’t important or worthy enough to invoke concern in both the people around me and especially medical professionals. It’s something I’ve been struggling with for years. More people have disappeared from my life once I got sick than any other time in my whole life and I didn’t fully understand why until earlier this year. With the exception of one person, my Aunt Martha, no one has experienced what I’ve experienced and struggled with so how could they possibly understand the change in me spending so much energy in trying to hide invisible yet very real pain (at least with my Chronic Fatigue and Fibro). I think it’s easier for a person to put distance between themselves and something they don’t understand out of fear. Often there is a lot of misunderstanding and frustration and I know and understand that. I’ve accepted that. I almost EXPECT that. It was a nice surprise to be treated like a real person those two days in the hospital instead of some disabled invalid. The disease is in my body, not my mind and it’s easy for people to pass judgement. I think that’s why I don’t talk much about my health anymore and it’s a big reason why dropped off the face of the earth. It’s hard to be dependent when I’ve been overly independent my whole life. The limitations have taken a huge toll on my self worth but I’m not anywhere near accepting defeat.

So I’m on home oxygen for the next 3-4 weeks tethered to a 50 foot tube connected to my oxygen concentrator. It’s almost like being on house arrest. Thank the universe for my kindle and the internet or I’d go nuts with cabin fever.

Father’s Day was another hard day. My sister was there for me (thank you sis for being sensitive about it and for “getting” it, you know what I’m talking about). I’m on the mend. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and even more worrying with trying to get Brendan moved here. I’m tired and exhausted, but I have my moments of motivation and today was one of those moments. I’m at the stage where I’m doing a lot of soul seeking, listening to my heart as much as possible even when I disagree with what it’s telling me and there are many things left to figure out, but I’m making a dent in that area of my life and will continue to do so. I even made an appointment down at the social security office to apply for disability. Part of me has put it off because it feels like I’ve given up. Only recently I’ve realized that I haven’t given up, my heart hasn’t, my body might think differently. I hate labels and I don’t want to be labeled as a “disabled” person. I don’t see myself that way even tho many others do. It only makes me want to fight harder so I can one day feel accomplishment and be proud of myself again. I’ve been grieving my old life before I got sick and I know it will never be the same as it used to be. Attitude makes all the difference so I try in every situation to see the good, to learn the lesson and to learn from my mistakes. I do believe that I can find fulfillment again, I just have a few more hurdles yet to jump over …

I’m a caged bird right now and I want nothing less than to fly free.

Throughout the last two years I haven’t been able to adjust to life after my divorce. I’ve had a nervous breakdown, fumbled and fallen countless times, but I never stopped loving the man I said  my vows to on October 13th, 2006. Not that I never stopped loving, because I desperately wanted to stop hoping that the pain without him would go away. My heart and I were fighting an outright war with each other. Heart 1, Jenny 0. It was impossible for me to let go. The loneliness, the sleepless nights, the fear of life without him was raining in my face each and every day clouding everything around me as the storm of grief and sadness thundered.

After finding my biological family gave me a purpose only resurrected by the love my heart held for him. Now my Penguin is coming home to me. My fear filled nights will soon be over. Maybe we needed to be apart to know for sure of our love for one another. Maybe we needed to live in our own personal hell to listen to the truth our hearts spoke and speak. I’ll soon be a wife again to the only  man I’ve ever called husband. We had to learn how to be friends again before we realized how to be lovers for the second time. The week I spent with Brendan a few weeks ago was the testament to our love and together we got to meet our new family where I stayed the weeks after.

When I bought this house a year and several months ago I bought it with the vision of us spending our lives in it. The master bedroom has been unused for so long because it was too big and lonely without him sharing it with me. Within a months time I’ll spend my first night back in the master bedroom with my husband for the first time in what feels like an eternity.

I never believed in fate or pink clouds. I’ve always been a believer that we are in charge of ourselves and our destiny. My failing health and the divorce only crushed the belief in fate and happiness two years ago. This year has told me differently, its proven to me that the phrase “Never let go of the one you love” is not only true but instilled in me more strongly than I’d ever realized.

I know now that fate does exist. It’s brought me back together with my ex-husband now only figuratively but literally. Sometime in the future we plan on doing it the right way. Have a proper wedding with my sisters wedding dress. Have a proper future, the one we gave up prematurely when times got tough. Now I see that it only brought us closer together, now I see that it was needed, at least for us to realize something we had already known.

I love you family.

Me and my Penguin together again. This time, forever.

Me, Brother Shane, and Sister Darci. We don't look related at all, lol.

Finding Her True Path
by Darci Witucke

A life assaulted with fear
A light lingers ever so softly
In the distance reaching…floating
The darkness clutches at her heals
The weakened heart struggles in sorrow
Singing in hushed whispers comes a sound
Bells toll as the light brightens realization
Malevolence strikes without warning
Burning the hand that dares touch it
Fading lights hover never ceasing
Hope reins evaporating loneliness
An unopened envelope clutches the handle
Endless wonderment pours into view
Light dances teasingly ever closer
Obscurity stumbles into the corner
Cowering anger boils forth raging
Alienation equips itself for victory
Her heart glows with reflection
A mirror transforms her broken image
Knowledge floods her with astonishment
Light prevails over the winds of change
Unbending light envelopes her emotion
The spirit bends willingly to change
Evil scatters from the strength of intensity
A candle to ever be burning never ceasing
Love sword slips quietly loose to free her soul.

Copyright 2011

Thank you my dear Sister, I love you with all my heart. You are the window of the reflection in the mirror.