(John In a Pill)

THIS IS AN ACTUAL LETTER FROM THE ARCHIVES OF THE SMITHSONIAN.

noreply@blogger.com (John) — Wed, 18 Apr 2007 21:09:00 +0000

Paleoanthropology Division

Smithsonian Institute

207 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute,
labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline
post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a
careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform
you that we disagree with your theory that it represents
"conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in
Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it
appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie
doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small
children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie".

It is evident that you have given a great deal of
thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be
quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your
prior work in the field were loathe to come to
contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel
that there are a number of physical attributes of the
specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern
origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid
remains are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is
approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the
threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the
"skull" is more consistent with the common
domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous
man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the
wetlands during that time. This latter finding is
certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have
submitted in your history with this institution, but the
evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it.
Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie
doll that a dog has chewed on.

B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we
must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated.
This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear
in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon
dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent
geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie
dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating
is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we
must also deny your request that we approach the National
Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the
concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name
"Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking
personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the
acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately
voted down because the species name you selected was
hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be
Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of
this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is
undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet
another riveting example of the great body of work you
seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know
that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own
office for the display of the specimens you have
previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire
staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next
in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back
yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's
capital that you proposed in your last letter, and
several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We
are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your
theories surrounding the "trans-positating
fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural
matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile
Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on
the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman
automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe

Curator, Antiquities

The Five Toughest Questions Women Ask Men

noreply@blogger.com (John) — Sat, 14 Apr 2007 21:20:00 +0000

Here are answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask
men.

1 - "What are you thinking?"

2 - "Do you love me?"

3 - "Do I look fat?"

4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"

5 - "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is
guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce
if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.

For example:

1 - "What are you thinking?"

The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm
sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a
warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman
you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this
statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really
thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

a - Baseball

b - Football

c - How fat you are

d - How much prettier she is than you

e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this
stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who
was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said,
"I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but
many wrong answers:

2 - "Do you love me?"

The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those
guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes,
dear." Wrong answers include:

a - I suppose so.

b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c - That depends on what you mean by "love".

d - Does it matter?

e - Who, me?

3 - "Do I look fat?"

The correct male response to this question is to
confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then
quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:

a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin
either.

b - Compared to what?

c - A little extra weight looks good on you.

d - I've seen fatter.

e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about
your insurance policy.

4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"

The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a
passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic
accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the
correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers
include:

a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.

b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.

c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.

d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.

e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about

your insurance policy.

5 - "What would you do if I died?"

Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your
untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would
perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's
Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question
of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid exchange:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"

"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the

husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"

"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.

"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.

"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.

"Of course I do, dear" he said.

"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."

"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.

"Yes" said the husband.

"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife

after a long pause.

"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.

"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let

her wear my old clothes?

"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.

"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down

the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"

"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."

"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I

suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."

"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's

left-handed..."

World's Largest Pothole?

noreply@blogger.com (John) — Sat, 14 Apr 2007 19:15:00 +0000

tee hee

noreply@blogger.com (John) — Sat, 14 Apr 2007 03:12:00 +0000

must be terrible to be blind

http://wickedmoon.com/surf_the_web_blind.php

...

noreply@blogger.com (John) — Sat, 14 Apr 2007 03:04:00 +0000

wow...

i am in a stunned silence

this css... it blows my mind...

http://darrenfauth.com/css-sandbox/css-hover-text.php

duh

noreply@blogger.com (John) — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 21:40:00 +0000

a bad lawyer

noreply@blogger.com (John) — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:57:00 +0000

Aaaaah!

Would you hire a man who let this picture of himself make its way online? Sweet baby Jesus on stick, that is scary.

Here's a link to the page that shows he's an actual attorney.

Fuck. I am soooooooo getting sued.

thanks stupidity tracker

sweet jebus!

noreply@blogger.com (John) — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 03:04:00 +0000

WOW!

someone (aside from myself) subscribed!

I am greatly pleased and will begin blogging with new vigor as soon as i get over this stomach bug.

I am moving ALL of the howtos on this site over to my new blog

http://johnshowtos.blogspot.com

wowowowowowow! someone subscribed!
please consider subscribing to the new one :)

first post on the new blog: port forwarding

template

noreply@blogger.com (John) — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 03:15:00 +0000

ugg my old template was too ugly

this is better

steps of a migrane

noreply@blogger.com (John) — Tue, 10 Apr 2007 19:25:00 +0000

guess what happened today?
migrane...

1. start seeing spots

"$&#(@"

2. small pains

"double $&#(@"

3. pain grows

"should i leave?"

4. ask teacher to be excused

"why do i need a buddy to go down with me? its just a headache"

5. arrive at nurse's office

"whats that smell?"

6. enter a dark room to ease the pain

"tripple $&#(@"

7. wait

"..."

8. ask to go home

"did i wait long enough?"

9. call a parent.

"no ones home... maybe the cell phone..."

10. back to the dark room

"..."

11. parent arrives

"finaly"

12. go home

"nice"

13. sleep

"zzz"

14. vomit

"EWWWWW"

15. sleep

how to hide files in an image

noreply@blogger.com (John) — Tue, 10 Apr 2007 11:35:00 +0000

I just figured this out today.
I was looking for a way to host any file I wanted on sites like photobucket and imageshack.

UPDATE: my friend using my digg account just submitted this. this MUST have been posted before so if it was, drop me a link and I'll include it.

so here's how.

1. Find an image to use as the base image. I used a pineapple fish

2. next grap a copy of rar.exe off the net. I found mine in a copy

of Hak.5's USB Hacksaw. there is a *free* copy on http://www.rarlabs.com but that is a tutorial for a later time.

3. find the file that you want to put inside the other image. I decided to put an apricot in the fish.

4. open a command prompt. (start>run>type "cmd")

5. cd to wherever you saved rar.exe, mine was on the desktop *note* your image and other files must be in the same directory as rar.exe

6. run these commands (remove the "")

1. "rar a hide.rar (name of file to be hidden)"

2. "copy /B "(first image name(pineapple fish))" + hide.rar image.jpg"

7. you should now have 5 files, rar.exe, apricot.jpg, pineapple_fish.jpg, hide.rar, image.jpg

8. done!

now when you look at the image, you will only see the first image that you used - the pineapple fish - the other one is hidden inside. to find it, use a rar decompresser. i like 7-zip because its free and open source.

the file that you put inside the image can be any file that you want including exe's
(in fact, i just recently used this trick to give one of my friends an exe thru photobucket)

(its kinda hard to see but thats the aprocot image inside the pineapple fish image)

Truly Tasteless Joke

noreply@blogger.com (John) — Sun, 08 Apr 2007 14:46:00 +0000

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to
have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd
hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with?
Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law
drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday
morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on
my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing
you know, I'm f-----g her."

The boss says, "You f--k your sister?"

The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

via: jokesbee.com

lost

noreply@blogger.com (John) — Sun, 08 Apr 2007 14:30:00 +0000

no, its NOT the tv show

its better

RSS

noreply@blogger.com (John) — Sun, 08 Apr 2007 14:27:00 +0000

translate this page

noreply@blogger.com (John) — Sun, 08 Apr 2007 14:25:00 +0000

crowds

noreply@blogger.com (John) — Sun, 08 Apr 2007 14:23:00 +0000

AAH! EVERYTHING IS SO CROUDED!!!!!!

i have a fix!

pedal

noreply@blogger.com (John) — Sun, 08 Apr 2007 03:27:00 +0000

i almost found a bike today!

riveting, i know

for the past few days I have been going to various bike shops looking for a replacement for my current to-small-to-old-to-broken bicycle. I had narrowed it down to the trek 7.5 when I remembered Harris cyclery the near by bike shop. at the time i saw it as a mixed blessing. i had to look at another shop, but i might find a better bike. so i got a ride and went off. about 10 minutes later we (that is my mom and i (shut it. im not old enough to drive)) arrived at the store. we headed in and were greeted by one of the "crew". this one was an odd one by normal standards but by bicycle-shop-workers he was perfectly ordinary. he did the oh so common run away from you while your trying to buy something routine that is the trade mark of all bicycle-shop-workers. when i cought up he was waiting impatiently to show me this bike. it was nice looking. not great, but i could put up with it. the thing that really got to me was how the red and white ( the only 2 colors) really seemed to clash perfectly. so he aks me how old i am and i say 15. ahh! why do thay always need to ask? shouldent they have some underground cycle-net by now? ITS 2007! any way, i stood on the bike. it was PERFECT fit! it just felt right. kind like those slippers from the sharper image. you know, the really plushy ones. so next thing i know im sitting on the bike outside. coulda teleported and i wouldn't have noticed. so i start biking and i decide that this was THE best bike i had used. really! it just fit. after i turned the corner i could pedal steer and shift places with no hands. the next corner brought me to a kinda dingy parking lot. the kind where you'd think that druggies would meet. as it turns out they do meet there, that would explain the smell! just past the third corner i stand up on the pedals do a full rotation and im on the ground. the left pedal is about 5 feet behind me and my leg is jammed under a bike that is jammed under an SUV. "ouch. that musta hurt." nope. it really didn't at the time. it does now however. anyway im stuck under a bike that is stuck under a gargantuan SUV. oh yes. gargantuan i mean HUGE! it was one of those Chevy's that would serve as a small RV. the other car was a gray Honda i remember that one well because it was the one tuning the corner where i was pinned. obviosly it stopped. but it was only 2 feet away. yeesh that this was NOT clean. also it was from the '80s i think. plus the muffler was hugging the ground quite nicely. the guy in the car had thjis bewildered expression like he had never seen a kid pinned under a bike that was missing the left pedal that was trapped under a small RV sized SUV. gotta prepare for these thing ya know? anyway i manged to pull myself ( and the bike loose (no thanks to the smelly civic.) an i even remembered the pedal! so needless to say i went home. in addition even though the bike was good, i DONT want one from Harris Cyclery. just... no

night!

~John

Daft Punk - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger (A CAPPELLA!?)

noreply@blogger.com (John) — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 02:15:00 +0000

wow!
how often do you see a song re-done as creatively as this one?

that doesn't suck?

not often, my friends, not often at all.

its all

noreply@blogger.com (John) — Mon, 02 Apr 2007 21:48:00 +0000

its all in the way you look at it

and my fave...

no need to link, the water mark is fine

its all

noreply@blogger.com (John) — Mon, 02 Apr 2007 21:47:00 +0000

its all in the way you look at it

and my fave...

no need to link, the water mark is fine

The world in an A4 paper

noreply@blogger.com (John) — Sat, 31 Mar 2007 22:34:00 +0000

graffiti

noreply@blogger.com (John) — Mon, 26 Mar 2007 19:18:00 +0000

its a fun crime!

scribe

noreply@blogger.com (John) — Mon, 26 Mar 2007 19:01:00 +0000

the prefomancing toolbar is now orange and called scribe fire

stop?

noreply@blogger.com (John) — Sun, 25 Mar 2007 15:32:00 +0000

did they just decide that stopping was a bad idea?

water drops

noreply@blogger.com (John) — Sun, 25 Mar 2007 15:30:00 +0000

ooooh aaaaahhh...

(John In a Pill)

THIS IS AN ACTUAL LETTER FROM THE ARCHIVES OF THE SMITHSONIAN.

Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities

The Five Toughest Questions Women Ask Men

World's Largest Pothole?

tee hee

...

duh

a bad lawyer

sweet jebus!

template

steps of a migrane

how to hide files in an image

Truly Tasteless Joke

lost

its better

RSS

translate this page

crowds

pedal

Daft Punk - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger (A CAPPELLA!?)

its all

its all

The world in an A4 paper

graffiti

scribe

stop?

water drops

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe

Curator, Antiquities