Like, Mad Jokes Bro

Bryn Reads The Bible To Tim Genesis 28-31

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 17:37:00 -0400

Sex! Now that I have your attention, The Bible! Combining the two- There is A LOT of sex in this one. Jacob gets two wives and Spoiler Alert: Bangs them and their slaves - for years at a time. Get ready to flick the bean to God’s word this week on Bryn Reads The Bible to Tim!

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Bryn Reads The Bible To Tim - April Fools Day Special!

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 14:19:06 -0400

This week on Bryn Reads The Bible To Tim, some of the wackiest pranks in the whole Bible! Issac, chip off the ol’ block, pulls the Wife/Sister switcheroo one (hopefully last) time.

And Jacob goes to disgusting and horrifying lengths to prank his blind dying father and his hideous freak brother. Oh, and there’s a lady named Basemath - it’s implied she’s a real bitch.

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Bryn Reads The Bible To Tim: Genesis 24-26

Mon, 25 Mar 2013 19:12:21 -0400

After last week’s hiatus, we are back reading the Bible with a vengeance! Ancient customs discussed - Jamming noserings into strange women’s faces. Giving a business partner’s dick a quick tug to make a deal.

Also - Lost fans take note! Two horrific twins are born- Jacob and Esau. Star Wars fans take note - Esau is a Wookie.

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Growing Up In Nazi Germany, March Madness Meant Something Else Entirely

Sun, 17 Mar 2013 17:25:00 -0400

By Sport Van Bloggerson: Very Old Sports Reporter

It’s almost that time of year again. The time when I wake up in a cold sweat and think to myself that “The Terror” has returned. Then I remind myself, “No, it’s only a basketball tournament.”

And what a tournament! This year the number one seed has changed more times than I can count and this year’s March Madness is shaping up to be even more exciting than The Madness of 1935, although it should result in dozens fewer deaths.

Fewer deaths, because the youngsters will only be playing basketball instead of being pitted against their own parents in bayonet fights to prove their loyalty to The State.

With so many great looking teams, I won’t even know where to begin putting my bracket together this year! Will anyone be able to stop the Indiana duo of Zeller and Oladipo?

You don’t even want to know what a “Massive Two Handed Crush” meant back then.

In March Madness of 1939, Zuëller and Ulhadipiau were the unstoppable power rapists for Munich University. Yes, part of our March Madness was a rape contest. But also, part of it was just marching and that wasn’t so bad.

I’m not sure if it is the modern March Madness or the one I grew up with that has the college students findin out how many whacks with a cane gypsy can withstand. Either way, to the college athletes of the USA I say “May your pure Aryan blood fuel your victory over your mongrel enemies!”

And, pray to God that your daughter or mother isn’t chosen today on “Selection Sunday”.

Bryn Reads The Bible To Tim: Genesis 20-23

Sun, 10 Mar 2013 21:37:00 -0400

This is an up and down week for Abraham. He gets a lot of new sheep and slaves, thanks to Mobster God and the ol’ sister/wife switcheroo. But, God gives him the biggest arbitrary test of loyalty so far… Kill his only son! Well, the only son that he hasn’t gotten rid of already. Oh and Sarah dies.

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Bryn Reads The Bible To Tim Genesis 17-19

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 07:26:00 -0500

Sodom and Gomorrah. We all know this story, God hates gay people so he destroys a town full of them, right? Wrong! God’s buddies head there and the town wants to rape them. THE WHOLE TOWN WANTS TO RAPE THESE TWO MEN. It just gets more insane from there and ends in a dark, dark place. Hold on to your foreskins, Bryn Reads The Bible To Tim is back with a vengeance!

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Bryn Reads The Bible To Tim Genesis 13-16

Tue, 26 Feb 2013 16:40:35 -0500

This week we meet Abram and his wife Sarai. They wander around the desert a lot because God wants them to. Oh, but they also use God as hired muscle in a weird prostitution/extortion racket. It’s an especially giggly episode of Bryn Reads The Bible To Tim!

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Pitchfork For Dads: Album Review - Bob Seger's Greatest Hits

Wed, 20 Feb 2013 04:34:10 -0500

Bob Seger’s Greatest Hits is essential for driving long distances, in the workshop or just sort of doing whatever. Also, I like “Night Moves” and this one has “Night Moves” on it.

Seger makes some bold choices here opting to open the album with “Roll Me Away” which I don’t really remember that well. After that, Seger is done burying the lead and he finally gives us the “Night Moves” we’ve been after. Man, “Night Moves” is the kind of track you just want to tap your finger against the steering wheel and sing along to.

Then it’s “Turn The Page”. They play that on the radio a lot, but I think it’s the Metallica version. So it was nice to have the original version on this CD.

I forgot how Seger likes to take it down a notch sometimes. Tracks like “Mainstreet”, “You’ll Accompany Me” and of course “We Got Tonight” are great for getting a classy lady in the mood. Keep in mind I said “Classy Lady” and not those sluts you keep bringing home at Thanksgiving.

Then there’s the songs that rock! Tracks like “Hollywood Nights” and “Against The Wind”. Not like the “Shocore” and “Limp Bizkit” garbage that I assume the kids are still into these days. Those tracks have heart.

That’s why I’m giving this album 10/10.

And also, because I just liked it. I don’t have to explain myself to you.

Bryn Pottie & Jay Wellz - Dilemma Feat. Kelly Rowland

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 13:08:03 -0500

Huge track I recorded with Jay Wellz and Kelly Rowland all the way back in 2002!

Bryn Reads The Bible To Tim Episode 3

Mon, 18 Feb 2013 10:53:45 -0500

The conclusion and WEIRD epilogue to Noah and his family’s horrible journey on the ark. Note: This one has nudity and getting wasted in it!

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Check The Roads

Fri, 15 Feb 2013 06:36:00 -0500

By: An Unemotional Dad

It’s calling for snow, could be up to ten centimeters. You should check the roads before you go.

You don’t want to be halfway there and get stuck in the middle of nowhere.

I’ve been keeping an eye on the Environment Canada website and it looks like Old Murphy Road is full of black ice all the way to the 400.

See? It pays to check the roads. I’ll see you next time.

Call us if you need anything.

This Valentines Day, Take Your Lady To An Amateur Comedy Show!

Thu, 14 Feb 2013 06:58:00 -0500

By Raj Blaze - Guy Who Is Very New To Standup Comedy

People’s Bar and Chicken open mic comedy night is tonight and the Facebook event is showing a lot of “Maybes”. I’m thinking this may have to do with Valentines Day but you know what? That’s a lame excuse for not supporting local comedy/my dream.

People’s Bar and Chicken is the edgiest open mic in the city. You’re always saying that you have an offbeat sense of humor, well this place takes it to a new level!

Come hang out! Grab a seat in front, get some beers and some wings then sit quietly for upwards of two hours. I think your lady would appreciate having a sexually frustrated man yell at her through a microphone to “Shut the fuck up while the comics are on”

And at this place, anything goes! If you can’t handle it that’s you and your Valentine’s problem. There’s one guy who talks about how rape is awesome. It’s not actually awesome, he’s just pushing the boundaries. Get it? No, well fuck you then. It’s gonna be an awesome date, you’ll get to third for sure.

Every asshole in town is going to be taking their girl to some lame movie or dinner or whatever. Dare to be different with your girl, and get up close and personal with scruffily bearded young men reading stories about their sexual failures off their phones.

I’ll see you there! But I won’t sit with you, I’ll be at the back talking loudly with the other comedians.

- Raj Blaze

Washington Wizards Valentines!

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 21:00:00 -0500

Washington Wizards Valentines!

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Tue, 12 Feb 2013 10:02:00 -0500

Bryn Reads The Bible To Tim, Episode Two

Mon, 11 Feb 2013 07:46:00 -0500

The Bible continues! Angel rape creates giants that God hates, Noah is the only one God likes (even though he doesn’t know what a door is) and humanity’s last hope embarks on a shit filled tar covered floating death trap for almost an entire school year!

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3 Ways The Lakers Can Make The... I Can't. I Can't Pretend To Care About This Anymore

Sun, 10 Feb 2013 09:43:00 -0500

By Sport Van Bloggerson - Very Old Sports Writer

My wife is dead. We just put her in the ground… Wait Sport, no. This is sports, not obituaries.

The Lakers in free fall has been one of the most fascinating stories this NBA season. Despite some recent rallying, they are still three games under 500. Here’s Three Things they can… do… to… ugh. Just, here… Here’s three things.

Maybe this photo of D’Antoni will keep me focused

3.) Kobe Needs To Shoot Less - The Lakers’ record with Kobe as facilitator is… Bev used to be my facilitator. She facilitated my meals, even up to the end. Now I’m eating cold beans out of a can for the fourth straight day. Wearing an open bathrobe, and just letting the bean juice spill onto my exposed chest. The old newspapers are really starting to pile up. But yeah, Kobe… pass the ball around more.

Whatever

2.) Let Nash Run The Offense - Steve Nash needs to be the man in control. I remember when I was the man in control. Seems like only a few short years ago, but it was at least thirty. Thirty years since I’ve felt like I’ve had some modicum of control on own life. In a way I was like Steve Nash, coming into a new marriage with high hopes of a playoff run. Only to find a domineering partner taking over everything.

Bev and I didn’t even have sex for the last eight years. Of course, like Steve Nash, I was too big a pussy to cheat on her. Eight years of jerking off into the shower and letting my dusty old jizz fly down the drain, almost like a metaphor for my life itself. EIGHT.

1.) I Never Loved Bev, That’s What Hurts The Most

Bev and I were never in love. I mean, she wanted a family and I wanted people to stop asking why I was bringing my roommate Brian home for Christmas every year. So, it worked out I guess. I wonder what Brian is doing now. I hear he got married to his new roommate a few years back. I didn’t know one day roommates would be able to get married. Now it’s too late for me. Just like the Lakers. It’s time for us both to just let the chips fall and finish up this season with whatever degree of dignity we can muster.

-Sport Van Bloggerson

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Sat, 09 Feb 2013 10:01:00 -0500

Those Six People Just Couldn't Handle Me

Thu, 07 Feb 2013 23:25:00 -0500

by Raj Blaze: Guy Who Is Very New To Stand Up Comedy

Well, last night was bullshit.

I showed up to People’s Bar and Chicken early to get a spot on the open mic night. Now, it’s usually a music open mic but I figured I’d give it a try.

Now, the host is giving me shit, saying “The last time a stand up comedian did this open mic, he talked about his dick and made everyone uncomfortable, then started verbally abusing the audience.”

In my head I’m thinking “Sounds like a shit audience” but I’ll do anything for that stage time, so I jump through his hoops and pretend like I’m Mister Clean Cut “Men Are Different From Women” Guy.

The show starts, there’s only six people in the crowd, but I’ve played for less. So I’m waiting backstage (standing offstage) and up before me is this asshole singing an exquisite rendition of James Taylor’s Fire and Rain. I mean, this guy’s voice was just so real and beautiful, people were literally crying. It meant something to every single person in that room. None of us will ever forget the new life that man’s passion breathed into that piece.

Anyway, this crowd is enraptured right? But the guy’s gone over his five minutes, so I start telling the host “Hey, this fucking phenomenal guy has done his time, let me at that hot crowd”

The guy was about to do Morning Has Broken and the crowd was just eating that shit up (it clearly would have been amazing in every sense of the word), but the host went up told him his time was done and brought me up.

Like I said, there were only six people in the crowd, but they were devastated. I’ve never seen anyone so disappointed.

But I’m undeterred. I right away launch into my tight five about smoking weed with my boys and why girls don’t like me. Complete silence. This is my best stuff I’m giving out here, and being a standup comedian is my dream!

Long story short, I wound up getting desperate and talking about my dick, then when that didn’t work I did start verbally abusing the audience.

They should have been more supportive of local comedy!

-Raj Blaze

Did I Mention I Was In A Sketch Troupe One Time?

Thu, 07 Feb 2013 10:01:00 -0500

Here’s a video from that sketch troupe I was in that time. - Cheers gang!

It's Time To Come Clean About Who "Absolutely (Story Of A Girl)" Is Actually About

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 10:01:00 -0500

By John Hampson from “Nine Days”

Thirteen years is a long time. Thirteen years since me and the boys from Nine Days came out with our seminal album The Maddening Crowd, featuring a little song called “Absolutely (Story Of A Girl)”.

We were on top of the world, and in many ways, we still are. (Four and a half mil hits on Youtube - nothing to sneeze at)

But you know that already. Now for something you don’t.

Thirteen years… It’s a long time to keep a secret. A secret that you and all of America, nay, the world has been clamoring to be revealed. Who is the real girl from Absolutely (Story Of A Girl)?

It’s about a babysitter I had when I was a kid. She was going through a hard time. She was “walk[ing] too far for the price of [her] shoes”, and I heard her crying on my couch one night when she thought I was asleep. It really affected me.

Man, it feels great to get that off my chest. Playing that song night in, night out for so many years… Feels good. Maybe this reveal, plus the fact that we’re on the cusp of being 90s nostalgia will get that song some more airplay again.

- The Guy From That Band