Wranglers and I broke up earlier in the year, and it’s been up and down. Right now we’re on an upswing, but last night I would have said we were on the decline. Sometimes these up and downs go all day long, it almost always has to do with my kid, and it’s exhausting. But, like exercise, it’s worth it. I know he has my son’s best interests at heart and truly loves and cares for him. I also know that I want a man in my son’s life. He deserves it, and maybe I am motivated in part from guilt. The single mom guilt that I somehow deprived him from a father and he didn’t have a choice. Now THAT’s another post…

I thought this was a great video. The daily life of a single mom in U.K. Check it Out! You’re gonna relate.

From A Crazy Single Mom Dating- Sooooo my relationship with Wranglers ended largely because he wasn’t comfortable with the role I wanted him to play in our relationship with my son. I wanted him to be friend first. He started out as disciplinarian/dad role first. He wasn’t comfortable with the role I wanted him to play and vice/versa. This obviously led to problems, since we aren’t together anymore.

I have a friend who just started dating a guy pretty seriously. He’s still married, but separated. She told me that he was “riding” her son about finishing his plate. He never finishes his plate and she has never made him finish his plate. It’s not important to her. Her 5 year old son kept looking up to her as the boyfriend was scolding him, telling him to look away from his mom and finish his plate. I don’t know how she got through it without knots in her stomach. I have issues with it. Not with my girlfriend, she’s a great mom and doing her best, but with the man coming in and being disciplinarian, without a commitment. Maybe that’s why I’m single?! It’s not so much about finishing his plate, but to me, it’s about how this guy may or may not be with her for good.  There is no ring on her finger. How is this going to affect the long term relationship her son may have with this guy? Is it a power play? Am I wrong?

How have you handled this in your “single mom dating” relationships? Are you in a relationship right now where this has become an issue or makes you uncomfortable?

Our trip to Yosemite Falls

My son starts Kindergarten in 6 weeks. I changed my mind and he is now going to attend a different school then originally planned. This quick turnaround decision had left me feeling disappointed and uneasy – until now.

As a single mom, I need the support of others. For someone as independent as I, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth – too often.

I planned on sending my son to the country school in the mountains where I live. I had dreams of moving my business up here and he and I becoming mountain people.  Two weeks ago, life led me in a completely different direction. A string of events within a 48 hour period changed everything.

My friend came in to my workplace and offered to take him afterschool, should I decide to attend the one across the street from her  on the outskirts of the town I work in. Then, that next morning, a client came in and told me she enrolled her kindergarten son in the same school. Later that day, my family friend came in who works on the campus and told me she could keep an eye on him during yard duty.

I thought I should check out the campus and walked in the office asking if they were taking new kindergarten transfer students. The principal  heard me and beckoned me into his office and emphatically told me “yes! We are taking new kids!”. He proceeded to introduce himself. I was impressed. The mountain school has never returned my two phone calls and here I have a principal giving me information – not the secretary.

My friends tell me they love the education their kids are getting there, but to be honest it’s not about the education really – it’s about the support.  The decision I made about changing schools left me feeling like I HAD to do it. I need a village to help me.

I voiced this to my mom while doing her hair. I told her I felt bummed about it, although I know Bear will do well there. It felt like I was letting another dream go. She sent me this

“… when one really does accept something for what it is, even if it seems very unpleasant, it frequently stops.  If you have not truly accepted whatever it is, it will continue.”

“Work on acceptance. It may be that will lead to some challenge stopping. Whatever life throws at you – the best response is acceptance.”

Here is something for you to try. Whatever challenge is facing you as a single parent, accept the fact that it’s happening – try to quit fighting it, or being depressed about it. Accept it for what it is (not for what you imagine it to be) and then see if the negative energy subsides.

We were soaked by spectacular waterfalls and encountered a large cinnamon bear on the trail to Mirror Lake. Fortunately, he wasn’t interested in us.

A fellow hiker was nice enough to give us two hiking sticks on his way out of Curry Village (he couldn’t take them on the plane). This was a hit with Bear. A boy and a stick. The stick was bigger than him, yet he lugged that thing everywhere.

There are times, when we travel as a duo, that it gets tough. For instance, he was asleep in the cabin and I ran to the parking lot to put a bag in the car.  I mean I RAN. The thought of leaving him alone in the room for even one minute freaked me out, but I sorta had to.

Although I’m cautious, we can’t be completely free of people knowing that I am travelling alone with my kid. In the dining room two women struck up a conversation with us about our trip. It was fun talking about it all, but I also was a bit leery of others knowing that I was going back to the room alone with . Nonetheless, I don’t want to live in fear, and this is our life.

Luckily, there is always a nice stranger offering to snap our photo together when I want one.

  I wouldn’t trade the travel experience of the one on one with my kid – ever.

On a heavier note -Wranglers and I keep going back and forth but I now understand that he can’t be the third wheel. Besides, he told me so. We had the “talk”. He won’t commit to me and I can’t give my son over to him to discipline without a commitment. It’s a destructive cycle that our relationship can’t weather. So, it’s over.  I mourn the death of dreams I had and of lofty dreams I had for us as a family.

But life goes on. And we will all be fine. I hope.

Travel helps me keep my mind off of the past, and gives life to new ideas and a belief that there IS more out there, besides the life I have all worked out in my head.

See more photos from our trip on facebook! “Like” @Crazy Single Mom on FaceBook and become a friend! Check out my Facebook page here.

Bear catches his first fish!

Bear is now five years old. He has been bringing up the dreaded “Dad” word into conversations. Only a single parent, who is the only active parent, can relate to this feeling of dread. “Marcus’ dad came to pick him up…”, “Some kids have dads, I have a mom…”. It’s obviously hovering in his little brain quite often. I heard from other single (OAP) moms that this is the age that the question comes up.

 It did.

As Bear was playing with his firemen Lego men, he came up to me as I was fiddling with my Iphone on the couch, watching American Idol.

“Mom, if I had a dad I’d want him to be a fireman.” A knot twisted in my throat . I couldn’t ignore it this time.

” You have a father, he just lives far away.”

“Where does he live?” he asked non chalantly.

“In Palm Springs.” I replied just as non-chalantly.

“Were you married?” he asked.

“No, he was my boyfriend, but we haven’t seen eachother in a long, long time.”

The words that spilled from my mouth were a reminder of how this whole situation has been messy and complicated, and I couldn’t deny it after that question.

He then replied with “Do you have more kids?”. (huh?) I told him that I did not. He then asked if Wranglers could be his dad, but he would have to be a fireman. Then he went off an played some more.

I stared at his little face, checking to see if he was in deep thought. I stared at him again a couple of moments later…still nothin.

So, I’ll wait for the next round and try to prepare myself for more answers, that won’t hurt, to hard questions that come from complete innocence.

I realize I got nothin’ against some of the big names on there, like Single Dad Laughing, but it would be so thrilling to have one more vote on there other than my own!!! Ha!

Thank you and thank you again! Muah! Muah!

Hectic is my middle name. I’m always busy busy busy. I don’t watch tv, except on occasion. There is always work to be done and only myself to do it. Housework, yardwork, work-work, and now t-ball…I get so caught up in that work ethic, that I forget what’s important and the REASON I feel compelled to work so hard – my son. If he is neglected than what’s the point?

Even as I write this post I’m glancing at the clock. It’s past bath time and here I am at the computer. His nails need trimmed. He wants me to read him a book. Ok, I’ll finish this post tomorrow…Ok, so I never finished it. Bah.

My mother and Bear

Because I’m a single mom in my forties, I think about my mortality a bit too much. I don’t want to leave my son an orphan. The fact that I’m the only active parent also adds into my anxieties I’m sure.

Just yesterday I read of an acquaintance who died of pancreatic cancer. He was diagnosed 7 weeks ago. That’s tragic, frightening and can cause a single mom to wake up at exactly 3:33 for three mornings in a row.
( wait, that three number is kinda freaky…what does it mean?) It would help if I had medical insurance, which I don’t. Can’t afford it right now being self-employed and all. But I’m shopping for it.

During times of stress, I have a host of imagined illnesses. Not that I’m a hypochondriac, but when things seem a bit off kilter, instead of just taking two aspirin, my mind takes a turn down that cancerous road.  My mother had it at my age, and she survives and thrives. My mom and dad love my kid. I know they would take care of him, but they are aging. I think about who will parent my son. Who do I want to take care of my kid if the unthinkable happens?

Positive Single Mom Says: “Drink a bottle of red wine. It’s good for your heart, is it not? Well, if a bottle isn’t good for your heart, it’s good for anxiety. There is no use in stressing over things we can’t control. Take a deep breath and enjoy your day with your child. We only have the “now”. Embrace it! And finish that will, so you can put it behind you.

So,I started this online will, but to be honest I haven’t finished it. I’m plugging this because it relates to me right now and they threw me an email. Check it out if you find it helps those sleepless nights- April Is Make a Will Month! Create your Free Legal Will Today! Get Started Here. I hope it’s free to the end! Will let you know when I’m finished.

For now, I’m going to exercise , take my vitamins and have a glass of wine.

Wranglers and I are no longer ”together” I guess. I call him my friend. I dont call him “ex” because I’m not ready to go there yet. But I feel the need to just hit the relationship over the head and be done with it…let it go and move forward, cause I don’t see it going anywhere that I wanna be. We can’t seem to put the finishing touches on our dying relationship, so we still hang out once or twice a week and he helps me with my son at baseball I will always call him friend though. He has been a good thing to have in my life. But I mourn the slow passing of our relationship and the dreams that went along with it.

Sometimes I wonder why I’m even writing in a blog. I am horrified for my family, casual friends and acquaintances to know about my romantic and personal life. I guard it for fear of failing again I suppose. I hold it close to me like a child. But here it is for now. This post will probably disappear in a week or two when I dream about it floating in cyberspace.

When I got divorced at 30, I felt alot like Elizabeth whats her name that wrote Eat, Pray, Love. That book/movie encompasses my own feelings of failure from divorce and the need to move on.  I even took off to a Buddhist monastery, as she did with the ashram. Leaving on some spiritual quest to heal. My story ends differently though. I thought I found the love of my life, lose it and end up pregnant and alone.

Drama. I despise it.  

Enough about that already…But being a single mom still connotes a negative vibe in society and I wanna change it. I want to be strong and kick-ass and self-sufficient and successful as a parent.

Hence, the other funk I’m in.

My son is so painfully shy that he and I are both struggling as he enters the real world at 5 years old. No more staying at home with mommy every day.

 School starts soon and I’ve entered him into baseball (which he cries at every practice, until I coax him to participate, then he enjoys it). Yesterday though, there was no coaxing to be found. He wouldn’t play and cried until I removed him from the field. My dad hit balls with him on the sidelines and he was happy as a clam.

 My own feelings of inadequacy welled up inside of me yesterday. I didn’t want to be one of those little league parents who project on their kids – one of those moms and dads that yells at their kid during games, projecting their own feelings of inadequacy on their child. Although I was not yelling at him for not playing well enough, I was frustrated and a little angry that he wouldn’t play. I tried to hide it, but I think he picked up on it. But, I too was a shy child and I knew how he felt. I always felt seperate and different. How many opportunities missed from that shyness and the self-esteem issues I suffered and probably still suffer from? So here I am, trying to coax my child to participate, so that he will maybe find his way out of his shell,  while projecting my own fears onto him.

So there it is…I’m here, with nothing positive to say today. I was hoping to make this a positive blog. There is so much negative crap out there about single parents/moms.  

Well, I am being proactive and seeking help for the new hurdle.  I can’t pretend that life is perfect. It’s not. We’ll get over this hurdle, then onto the next…I will carry on!

Now will someone bring me a big glass of wine?