The groundbreaking study — believed to the first in Canada to look at the
long-term impacts of household upheaval on academic success — found
children who experience changes to their family structure are MUCH MORE
LIKELY to become high school dropouts than classmates whose parents stay
together.

The findings were particularly grim for children who live through three or
more parental changes: divorce or death, remarriage or another divorce. Such
children have just a 40-per-cent chance of completing their high school
diplomas, a success rate HALF that of children with no family shakeup.

“This is a LONG-RUN picture, where we can look at number of changes a child
experiences and link it to HOW THEY FINISH UP as they enter into young
adulthood,” said U of A divorce expert Lisa Strohschein, who co-authored the
project with the University of Manitoba’s Noralou Roos and Marni Brownell.
The study, considered especially relevant at a time of high divorce rates
and increasingly complex family relationships, is published in the new
edition of Canadian Journal of Sociology.

Previous research has linked family instability with childhood problems, but
such work has typically focused only on short-term impacts, Strohschein
said. For her team’s study, the scholars used a data registry of more than
9,400 children born in 1984 in Manitoba. The children, all born or adopted
into two-parent married households, were tracked until age 20 to find out
what happened to them.

Of that initial 9,403 children, 7,569 saw their parents stay together, 1,325
experienced one divorce and 172 had a parent die.

A small number — 285 children — lived through two family transitions
(divorce and remarriage), while 52 experienced three transitions.

Analysis of the data found 78.4 per cent of children whose parents stayed
together finished high school by age 20, well ahead of classmates with one
change to the family structure.

There was little difference between children who experienced one divorce and
those who had a parent die. In both groups, about 60 per cent received high
school diplomas.

The biggest concern was for children in twice-divorced households.

“It’s that cumulative effect,” Strohschein said. “Things really seem to fall
off when there is a loss of a second marital relationship. It’s really
striking.”

The divorce rate in Canada has been holding steady in recent years at around
38 per cent — meaning about 380 out of every 1,000 marriages will dissolve
within 30 years. But the divorce rate worsens for second and third
marriages, providing additional risk for children.

Strohschein cautions against generalizations, because in some cases divorce
can be a benefit to children if a household is dysfunctional.

“But there are lots of people who just say, ‘I don’t think I can make this
relationship work,’ ” she said. “And what the study suggests is there are
some long-term consequences to those decisions parents should take into
consideration.”

The study also found younger children whose parents divorce are more likely
to drop out than children who are older when a split occurs. Strohschein
said more work is needed to explain this trend, but it may be that younger
children have fewer emotional skills to deal with traumatic events.

“Or it may be that the earlier you are when you have a first change, the
more likely it is your parents will have more changes.”

Her next project will examine the life paths of more than 90,000 children,
which will allow researchers to look at the effects of fourth and fifth
family changes. She hopes similar studies can be done in Alberta, but the
provincial government does not provide the same data to researchers as the
Manitoba government.

I thought I¹d make a few comments about this study that was picked up by
many media outlets last week. The study was headed up by our colleague Brian
Doss at Texas A & M. Galena Rhoades, I, and Howard Markman are co-authors.
The data set is a long-term sample of couples who got married in the mid to
later 1990s that we have been following at The University of Denver. The
official citation for the study is:

Doss, B. D., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2009). The
effect of the transition to parenthood on relationship quality: An
eight-year prospective study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology,
96, 601 - 619.

This is a prestigious journal with very strong methodology require for
publication.
Onto the heart of the matter. This study was picked up in an amazing number
of media outlets (and more to come). Some headlines were remarkably
accurate as to the point, for example: ³DU study: Children strain marriage²
(http://www.denverpost.com/breakingnews/ci_12108887)
Some were not on target, and were quite misleading as to what we found:
³Kids Marital Satisfaction Study: Remain Childless²
(http://www.postchronicle.com/news/original/article_212221927.shtml)

Ah, the joys of the media. Surely, that¹s just what we meant and we merely
came up with the wrong title in our journal article. Couples should not have
children. Just don¹t do it. Just wait until my sons hear about this. Won¹t
they feel like they owe Nancy and me forever?!

On a more serious note, here are the important points as far as I¹m
concerned.

- The study focuses on the way declines in marital functioning happen over
time for couples who have children and also for those who do not. Couples
having children showed clear declines in marital quality that were
concentrated around the time of childbirth. Yes, transition to parenthood
changes couples, and the changes can be challenging.

- Led by Brian Doss¹s amazing work on this, part of what we found is that
the decline is, on average, small to medium in size. The effect was not
hugely negative as some studies before have found. On the other hand, the
decline is real where some other studies have suggested that this may not be
true.

Key take-a-way: Transition to parenthood is a particularly identifiable and
challenging period for couples. (Many of you knew that.)

- Couples who didn¹t have children also declined over the eight years of the
study, but they did so more gradually. While those not having children
didn¹t show some of the declines in terms of communication and conflict
management that those having children did, they declined in overall marital
happiness, nevertheless.

- Added nuggets to chew on: (1) Couples are somewhat more at risk if their
first born is a girl. (Other studies have shown this as well. The theory
is that fathers get more involved‹or, as some would suggest, are more
allowed to be involved in‹raising boys.) (2) Having a baby very early in a
marriage is riskier than waiting a couple of years.

- Studies like this help make point that people don’t need to just let stuff
happen to them; they can make choices, including to preserve and protect the
great stuff in their marriages. But they have to decide to do that and then
work at it. As Howard Markman and Frank Floyd were saying 30 years ago, and
we¹re all still saying: Key life transitions are important opportunities for
helping couples strengthen their marriages.

- Do these findings argue that couples would be better off just saying ³no²
to children? Of course not. (Just think of the implications for your Social
Security!) Sure, some couples would do better not to have children. More
importantly, there are differences between couples who have children and
those who do not (apart from mere fertility issues) that make such
assertions and comparisons difficult for researchers to attempt. Brian Doss
makes the point that we are wise only to look at the trajectories of the two
groups but it would be less wise to directly compare them in making too many
conclusions. There are too many bases for differences between couples who
have children (and when) and those who do not.

- My (Scott¹s) favorite point to make of all this is a philosophical matter.
I¹m just speaking for myself in this point, not my colleagues. I believe
that we have a narrow definition of marital happiness in America and that
there is something harder to measure that is very important that has been
called Family Happiness (by Tolstoy; David Brooks did a cool editorial on
this a few years ago). This type of happiness is more deeply related to the
meaning of building a family together, in life. Most people do not regret
having children. Most people who had children are very glad that they did.
(However, in other research, almost humorously, people are most happy being
parents on days they spend the least amount of time with their children.
Smile. If you are a parent, you likely get that.) Anyway, a cultural
point: We’re too over-focused on romantic happiness in life and not on
bigger types of contentment and meaning. Researchers have not really tried
to measure this idea of family happiness but those raising a family can very
often relate to this on many levels.

Don¹t worry, be happy (and content).

Scott Stanley
Research Professor
University of Denver
(http://www.slidingvsdeciding.com/ )
**************************
Copyright Smart Marriages®

By Elicia Brown / Beliefnet.com

Not so very long ago, my daughter’s passions included her Elmo doll, her art projects, and an unfortunate activity she referred to as “the buzz.” With her arms wrapped tightly around the wobbly form of her baby brother, she would open her mouth as wide as possible and lick his head until he cried.

I wondered if these two small creatures who shared my womb, albeit two years and eight months apart, would ever truly enjoy each other’s company. Four years later, my children adore each other. And abhor each other. But my children aren’t the first to engage in a little sibling rivalry (and I am not the first parent who’s had to deal with it). Here are 10 simple steps to help us, as parents, lessen the impact of sibling rivalry.

1. Naughty by Nature
As bad as it might be in your household, take heart: It’s rare to find a family without this friction.

I guarantee the siblings of Genesis clashed with greater force. Cain slew Abel. Jacob and Esau wrestled even before they emerged from Rebecca’s womb. Rachel and Leah vied for Jacob’s sexual attentions. Joseph’s brothers sold him to the Ishmaelites for 20 silver coins.

These examples “serve to remind us that the sibling relationship is filled with complexity and competitiveness,” says Susan Bodnar, a New York-based psychologist. “The stories of the Torah tell us about how rich, textural and multi-dimensional families are.”

As the Torah reminds us, sibling strife is natural.

2. Don’t Play Favorites
The Torah also teaches us that parents can exacerbate sibling tensions.

Isaac and Rebecca, for instance, provide a good lesson in bad parenting. Rebecca showed her preference for her reflective son Jacob. Isaac showered his affections on Jacob’s brother Esau, the hairy hunter. And the twins hated each other.

As parents, it can be difficult to reinvent a new style, different from that with which we were raised. So it goes with the biblical Jacob. If only he’d learned: Do not choose favorites.

When he became a father, Jacob selected Joseph as his favorite child, rewarding him with a coat of many colors. Joseph’s brothers didn’t stand idly by. They tossed Joseph into a pit, and sold him to a caravan of Ishmaelites.

4. To Butt In or Not to Butt In
Parents often wonder whether to rush to the scene of their children’s battles.

Meredith Jacobs, who is the author of “A Modern Jewish Mom’s Guide to Shabbat,” says that her own parents always mediated arguments. And Jacobs, who lives in Rockville, Md., does the same with her two children. After all, her parents’ approach worked. Today that sister is her best friend.

Gitty Rosenfeld, the principal of an online Jewish school, employs the opposite strategy with her brood of 12 children in Brooklyn — so long as no one is brandishing a broom over another child’s head.

As for me, when I’m able to, I try to guide my children, ages 4 and 6, through their disagreements. I restate their arguments to each other, ask them for solutions, and if none arise, offer a few compromises of my own. Of course, that’s in an ideal world.

5. Celebrate Individuality
Rabbi Leana Moritt has three boys, all with straight brown hair and brown eyes. Line them up, she says, and they look almost identical. In temperament and talents, however, they differ greatly.

The rabbi, who is a life coach at the 92nd Street Y in Manhattan, says that in parenting, we must remember the concept of betzelem elohim, that each child is made in the image of God, that every individual possesses distinct gifts. As parents, we should seek to celebrate and support the individuality of our children, to praise and empower children differently.

This might apply if, for example, one daughter excels in sports, the other in schoolwork. Rabbi Moritt says that when her spacy son arrives home with his jacket intact, she responds more enthusiastically than when her more grounded son manages to bring his home.

6. Watch Your Language
Children should learn the power of the spoken word and be encouraged to speak respectfully toward their siblings. Jews believe that words, as well as sticks and stones, can hurt you. As one Yiddish proverb puts it: “A blow passes on; a spoken word lingers on.”

In my house, we set up a chart, awarding star stickers to those able to maintain kind speech. Sadly, the project lasted only one day, when my daughter announced that she dislikes this “silly I love you day.” In another breath, she addressed her brother, who was snuggling/smothering her: “Sincerely stupid, will you please get off me.”

I have not given up — because in our house, one sister’s harsh words too often lead to her brother’s harsh blows, or at least yanks of her blonde hair.

7. Thou Shalt Not Brag
The Ten Commandments teach, “Thou shalt not covet.”

But pity the sibling of the child who seemingly acquired every advantageous gene in the family’s pool. Isn’t it normal for his less favored sibling to envy him? According to the rabbis, with advantages come responsibilities. The fortunate son should teach and assist his siblings, not gloat, like the biblical Joseph.

In the case of my own family, in which a big sister is currently a more competent jump-roper, problem solver, and artist than her little brother, a parent could respond to her bragging: “It’s true, you’re better. You’re the one to empower your brother,” by teaching him how to turn a rope, or draw a face, or count to 1,000, suggests Nomi Marks, an Orthodox family therapist.

8. Make ‘Alone Time’
Children can also benefit from a specially slated day — or afternoon — or even 20 minutes — alone with a parent. Alone time reaffirms bonds and reminds the child that they are treasured. Confident in the love of their parents, children lash out less often at their siblings.

9. Be a Good Role Model
Children also learn from their parents’ arguments. If mom and dad exchange angry words but later resolve their issues peaceably, children learn that calm often follows sound and fury. They understand that discord doesn’t mean divorce; that moving on is possible in their own relationships too.

Ilana Ruskay-Kidd, a mother of three, and director of a preschool based at a large Jewish Community Center, advises: “Explain your failures. Use them as learning opportunities.” Tell the children, “I really messed up. I lost my temper. I probably hurt his feelings.”

An interesting article on the importance of growingly popular courses now offered to couples who file for divorce and have minor children at home. Courses such as these help educate the couple in the hopes of avoiding divorce or at least learning to help deal with the affects of divorce on the child. Classes, books and games such as Earthquake in Zipland can help ease the feelings of loss for the child of divorce and help him or her cope with the transition in their lives.

By Ashley Sanchez

The majority of Americans hope to get married and live happily ever after.

But the high rate of divorce and the declining rate of marriage suggest that we might not know how. As with any knowledge deficit, education can help fill the gap.

During the 2007 legislative session, Rep. Warren Chisum, R-Pampa, introduced a bill to give a discount on marriage licenses to couples who attend premarital education classes. The bill passed and went into effect last year.

This session, Chisum is proposing education for couples on the other end of the marriage spectrum. HB 480 would apply to couples who have minor children in the home and file for divorce based on the grounds of insupportability (the category chosen by Texas’ couples seeking a no-fault divorce, he explained to me). Those couples would have to submit with the divorce petition proof that at least one of them had completed a crisis
marriage education course.

The bill stipulates that the course must be at least 10 hours long and “include instruction in: 1) conflict management; 2) communication skills; and 3) forgiveness skills.” Chisum told me that because those skills are beneficial in many aspects of people’s lives, the courses wouldn’t do any harm. Moreover, though the bill wouldn’t help every couple avoid divorce, he said, “This is an effort to put as many back together as we can.”

Chisum is not trying to trap people in bad marriages. The bill explicitly waives the education requirement for marriages with violence or abuse, whether it’s mental, emotional, psychological or verbal.

The bill also stipulates that only one partner is required to attend the class. Thus, a spouse cannot trap the other in the marriage by refusing to attend. Both partners are encouraged to attend, however, by the bill’s provision that a judge can use a partner’s refusal to take the class as a factor in other aspects of the divorce settlement, such as the division of the estate.

Chisum’s bill seems to have no negatives. At worst, it eats up 10 hours of someone’s time, an amount similar, I would guess, to the average time that separated spouses spend just in the first month shuttling the children between their two homes. And if their marriage isn’t restored, they might well find that their divorces are more amicable and their future relationships better because of the skills they acquire during the course.

At its best, the bill would help couples who would otherwise have divorced learn the skills they need to nurse their relationship back to health and happiness. That’s a victory for the adults and children alike.

Because Chisum said that Michael Smalley, founder and executive director of the Smalley Marriage and Family Center in The Woodlands, has been conducting such courses successfully, I asked Smalley about his program.

Of the couples in struggling marriages who participated, Smalley found that eight years later, 87 percent were satisfied and still together.

Though his data comes from an in-house longitudinal study, other research has documented the effectiveness of a variety of marriage programs across the country.

Even in the absence of a program, however, unhappy couples can turn things around. A 2002 Institute for American Values’ report (from a team led by University of Chicago sociology professor Linda J. Waite) found that among couples who were in troubled marriages, 64 percent of those who stuck it out were happily married five years later. Furthermore, “(u)nhappily married adults who divorced or separated were no happier, on average, than unhappily married adults who stayed married.”

The report notes that divorce itself can bring “new sources of distress, from financial troubles to new relationship problems with the ex.” At the report’s end, the authors explain that good and bad marriages might not be fixed opposites, “but the same marriage at two different points in time. …. If marriage is no panacea, neither is divorce.”

Of course, plenty of people testify that their divorce did, in fact, make them much happier than did their miserable marriage. No legislation threatens their right to choose that path, and our society is widely accepting of that decision.

Marriage education in general, and Rep. Chisum’s bill in particular, simply provide a relatively low-cost opportunity to help some couples achieve their happily ever after.

Reading this article, it looks like they don’t make any distinction about
which came first, the ADHD diagnosis or the divorce. Especially since they
included, and highlighted, divorces before the children were 8 years old.So, from this article, you could just as easily say that ‘Children whose
parents divorce before they are 8 have a higher rate of ADHD”.Of course, both the legal divorce and the diagnosis are only rough
chronological markers. The divorce becomes final after anywhere from months
to years of litigation, separation, and/or marital problems.

John Crouch

6 Nov 2008

Couples with children with ADHD at risk of higher divorce rates, shorter
marriages

Parents of a child with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) are
nearly twice as likely to divorce by the time the child is 8 years old than
parents of children without ADHD, the first study to look at this issue in
depth has shown.

Moreover, among couples in the study who were divorced, marriages involving
children with ADHD ended sooner than marriages with no ADHD-diagnosed
children.

Additional findings from a subset of divorced couples with children with
ADHD showed that several characteristics within the family contribute
individually to the risk of divorce: age of the child when diagnosed; race
and ethnicity of the parents; severity of coexisting disorders in children
with ADHD, such as oppositional-defiant disorder (ODD) and conduct disorder
(CD); education levels of the parents; and a father’s antisocial behavior
(trouble with the law.)

“We believe this is the first study to find that both parent and child
factors individually predict the rate and time of divorce,” said Professor
William Pelham, Professor of Psychology and Pediatrics at the University at
Buffalo and director of UB’s Center for Children and Families.

“Moreover, this is the only study to demonstrate that the severity of the
child’s disruptive behavior, specifically those with ODD or CD, increases
the risk of divorce.

“Certainly we are not suggesting that having a child with ADHD is the only
reason these marriages end in divorce,” noted Pelham.

“Disruptive child behavior likely interacts over time with other existing
stress in the family to spark conflict in a marriage and, ultimately,
divorce.” Wymbs’ research documents that when parents interact with an ADHD
child, they are more distressed, argue with one another more and view one
another as less supportive, compared to when they interact with a child
without ADHD.

Data for the study was gathered from a subset of participants in a larger
investigation called the Pittsburgh ADHD Longitudinal Study (PALS), which is
funded by grants from the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism
(NIAAA) and the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) to Pelham and Brooke
Molina, Ph.D., from the University of Pittsburgh.

Some 282 adolescents and young adults who had been diagnosed with the
disorder in childhood and their parents completed a series of questionnaires
and diagnostic instruments, along with individual interviews. The child’s
birth date was used as the starting point of the time to divorce.

These results were compared with those from 206 demographically similar PALS
participants without ADHD and their parents.

Results showed that 22.7 percent of parents of children with ADHD had
divorced by the time the child was 8 years old, compared to 12.6 percent of
parents in the control group. Divorce rates of parents with and without
children with ADHD were not significantly different after children passed
the 8-year mark.

“Families that ’survive’ through that age, perhaps because they are low on
all of the risk factors, apparently will make it through the rest of the
child’s childhood,” Pelham said.

Of the characteristics that may contribute to risk of divorce, a father’s
antisocial behavior proved to be the largest factor. The rate of divorce
also increased when mothers had substantially less education than fathers;
children were diagnosed with ADHD at a younger age; families had racial or
ethnic minority children and children had serious ODD or CD behavior
problems.

“With these findings in mind,” Pelham said, “those who treat children with
ADHD and disruptive behavior problems should take note if parents are having
marriage problems and try to intervene to prevent the children from going
through the trauma of divorce.”

However, they also pointed out that for some couples who may have serious
and frequent marital conflict and are raising difficult-to-manage children,
divorce may be the best option for the children.

Results of the study appear in the October issue of the Journal of
Consulting and Clinical Psychology.

http://www.virtualmedicalcentre.com/news.asp?artid=12786

(Source: University at Buffalo: Journal of Consulting and Clinical
Psychology: October 2008.)

However, it is the child who often pays the price: the child who has to write an essay because a parent cannot afford Back to School night, the child who has to sit on the bench because he/she misses practices while visiting the other parent, the child who comes home crying from school, sad when he doesn’t know who to make a Father’s Day card for because his father died. As adults - teachers, coaches, neighbors, family, and friends, we can change our attitude, be more sensitive and compassionate, and recognize that SINGLE PARENTS RAISE GOOD KIDS TOO!

It is difficult and challenging to be a parent today, and it is even more difficult to raise children alone. We as parents are often overwhelmed and lacking the parenting skills necessary to do a good job. But good solid parenting has less to do with the number of parents in the home and more to do with the quality of parenting. Whether the single parent household is headed by a mother, father, or a grandparent, raising children alone is an enormous task. Why should we care? Because the statistics tell us that most of us will live in, know of or be involved with a single parent family at some point.

Since 1970, the number of children living in a single parent family has doubled. In fact, statistics from 1992 indicate that single parent families represent 30% of U.S. households, while 25% represent two parent households. Based on current trends, there are predictions that upwards of 70% of children born since 1980 will spend some time living in a single parent home before their 18th birthday. These children are not doomed to failure. The following strategies are offered to the single parent who is determined to raise a good kid despite the myths of doom and gloom.

1. ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT

Adults and children do better when single parenthood is perceived as a viable option and not as a pathological situation. Start with a positive attitude and focus on the benefits of single parenting, such as less conflict and tension in the home. Many single parents treasure their newfound autonomy and independence and feel hopeful about the future.

2. YOU ARE THE BOSS

Establish firm, clear boundaries that leave no doubt that you are the boss In the home. Single parents (and two parent households) often make the mistake of allowing children to become equal partners or peers, and too many children are running the show. This loads to serious individual and family problems. Children need limits. Use consistent discipline that provides clear expectations and guidelines for behavior and rely on natural and logical consequences. Learn to say, “I love you enough to say NO to you.1′ (My kids hate that one).

3. DEAL WITH OVERLOAD

The single parent frequently feels overwhelmed by the responsibility, tasks, and emotional overload associated with raising children alone. It is extremely important to manage time wisely and to ask for help when necessary. Assign children appropriate chores and tasks. Arrange car pools when possible, and ask other parents for help when needed. My children would not have been able to continue in club soccer were it not for the kindness of other parents providing rides to practices and games.

4. RECOGNIZE THAT YOU ARE ONE PERSON AND YOU ARE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN.

No matter how loving and competent you are, you are still only one person and you are doing a job most agree Is meant for two people. Do not allow your children to manipulate you by making you feel guilty about the situation. Remind children that you are a team and have to work together. Give yourself credit for a job well done. You may have to wait until your kids are grown before you get any credit from them. This is where a sense of humor comes in handy!

5. CREATE A STABLE, NURTURING HOME

Nurturing is a high priority, but children also crave stability and security. While this Is important for all children, it Is especially crucial for children who have suffered 8 loss of stability due to divorce or death of a parent. Children need to feel secure and protected, and it Is our Job as parents to create a nurturing environment where they can thrive. Your children need to hear how much you love them and how proud you are. Some children may require more affection and attention than others, so know your child, and take your cue from him/her.

6. ESTABLISH SCHEDULES AND PREDICTABLE ROUTINES

Part of creating stability and security in the home involves establishing predictable schedules and routines for your children. Of course, we must not be rigid and inflexible, because children need to learn that life is not always predictable. Find a healthy balance.

7. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

It is critical for your children’s well being for you to take care of yourself. There are times when you feel like you need a break. Ask other single parents to trade babysitting or hire a mother’s helper. Pay special attention to diet, exercise, stress management, and getting a good night’s sleep. Learn relaxation, yoga, meditation, visualization, or whatever healthy coping skill allows you to relieve stress and tension. Take a walk, read a book, call a friend, take a nap (my personal favorite). A stressed out parent results in stressed out kids.

8. DEVELOP A RELIABLE SUPPORT SYSTEM

Develop a wide network of people who can provide you with emotional support, companionship, help in emergencies, child- care, reality checks, etc. Be selective and choose caring, reliable, trustworthy people who will be there for you In times of need. Single parents with healthy support systems usually feel better mentally and physically and demonstrate to their children that it is OK to ask for help. Support groups for single parents offer an excellent opportunity to socialize and share with others in similar circumstances.

9. DO NOT TREAT YOUR CHILD AS A PEER

Do not confide in your child as though he/she is your peer, regardless of how mature the child appears to be. This is a common mistake made unintentionally by many single parents who turn to their child for emotional support and don’t realize they are hurting the child until after the tact. Allow children to be children, and find other adults for companionship and support.

10. HAVE REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

Focus on success and not on failure. Set realistic goals as a family and work together to accomplish these goals. Decide what is important and prioritize accordingly. Have family meetings on a regular basis and allow children to have In put. Learn to effectively communicate and solve family problems together while still demonstrating that you are the boss. Give your kids credit and give yourself credit.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, depressed, anxious or stressed, get professional help. A competent therapist can help you find the light at the end of the tunnel. I know how difficult it is to be a single parent, because I raised my children alone for eight years. A great support system contributed to my ability to be a good parent and raise two good kids! You can too!!

By STEPHANIE OBLEY

A new therapeutic tool for helping children deal with divorce may appeal to kids in a way nothing else will – as a computer video game. Earthquake in Zipland debuted last year and is a quest-style game that follows the struggles of Moose, the son of the King and Queen of Zipland, a small paradise island held together by a zipper. An earthquake rips the island in two, leaving the king and queen on separate islands, and Moose sets out to build a new zipper to bring the islands – and his parents – back together. He also has a journal to record his thoughts and feelings throughout the game.  
 
The game – designed for ages 7 to 13 – doesn’t mention divorce directly but Moose’s struggles parallel those experienced by children during and after a divorce. The game reaches children on their level, said Chaya Harash, President and CEO of Zipland Interactive and also a family therapist for the past 25 years. “The main concern is how to reduce the pain of the children as much as possible,” she said. “That’s their language, playing video games. It was a challenge to combine a serious issue like divorce with a video game.”  
 
Research from fields like psychology, and family and child therapy, were incorporated into the game, Harash said. First, problems faced by children going through divorce were considered – guilt that they caused the divorce, anger, fear, loss, loyalty to their parents. Then episodes of the game were built around those issues. “There is such a need,” she said. “When I see the effect the game has on children, I think there are so many more that need it.”              
 
The game works best when parents play with the children, Harash said, adding that the ending of the game was a challenge to work out. “On the one hand, Moose has to finish the game, and on the other, he can’t bring his parents back together,” she said. “I think we came up with a very nice solution.”   
 
 
A SAFE PLACE                
 
Elizabeth Einstein, a marriage and family therapist in New York and author of several books, including “Strengthening Your Stepfamily,” said she has used the game in sessions, sent it home with families and also taken it with her to national workshops to share with other professionals. It offers a place for kids to feel safe and express their feelings, she said.              
 
“Zipland provides a safe place for kids to work through some of their feelings in a subversive atmosphere that is fun,” she said. “Most kids like video games and here’s a very healthy, useful one. The children felt safe practicing in the journal until they had the courage and skills to transfer them to the parents directly.”              
 
She recalled one situation with a 9-year-old boy who had problems with anger after his parents’ divorce and his father’s decision to move in with his girlfriend. Einstein said the boy acted out at school and also with his 3-year-old sister.              
 
“In one emotionally powerful session, he admitted he was scared because he feared he might not be able to stop hurting her and would kill her,” she said. “When we used the Zipland game, he stayed with the journal lots and mostly wrote angry, angry, angry and we processed that intense anger and brought in his father for several sessions too.”              
 
Through the game, the boy learned to talk openly about his feelings, Einstein said, and work through them with his father. The game should also be used in conjunction with other therapy techniques, Einstein said. “Children need to eventually learn skills to speak directly about their feelings,” she said. “My work generally, and ideally, involves various family members together. The game can be used in advance of that touchy work to prepare children who always fear their parents will be mad at them if they tell them how angry they are that their family has changed forever.”    
 
 
OPENING THE DOOR 
                
Lee Rosen, president and founder of Rosen Law Firm in North Carolina, is always looking for tools to help clients and their children get through divorce. When he learned about Earthquake in Zipland, it seemed natural to start giving it to clients with children in the game’s age range. 
 
It seems to reach children on their level, he said, moreso than books. “If it feels like homework to them they’re more likely to resist,” he said. “With a computer game, it’s something they want to do.”              
 
Rosen said he has heard from parents that the game allows them to broach difficult topics they might not otherwise get their kids to talk about. “It helps to open the door to conversation,” he said. “That seems to be the most appealing part of using the game.”  
 
Harash herself went through divorce more than 18 years ago. She has two children, one who she said was open to discussing the divorce and one who was reluctant. Since the game has been developed, she and her now-grown daughter have been able to talk about things they never did before. “It gives us an opportunity to talk about issues we didn’t talk about at 14,” she said. “It was worth it just for that.”  
 
 
Stephanie Obley worked for several years as an award-winning journalist in Kansas, Florida and Utah, covering everything from crime to the environment. She now lives in South Carolina with her family and writes freelance articles. 

SOURCE ]]> http://yourchildyourdivorce.com/earthquake-in-zipland-addresses-fears-of-children-whose-parents-get-divorced/feed/ http://yourchildyourdivorce.com/child-support-none-this-month-five-steps-to-help-collect-from-your-ex/ http://yourchildyourdivorce.com/child-support-none-this-month-five-steps-to-help-collect-from-your-ex/#comments Mon, 26 May 2008 11:01:43 +0000 admin http://yourchildyourdivorce.com/child-support-none-this-month-five-steps-to-help-collect-from-your-ex/ By STACEY ALATZAS 

You’re owed child support, but the money isn’t coming. What can you do? Experts say successful child support collections are on the rise thanks in part to stronger laws and an increase in the number of resources available to parents. Many of these resources can be found at the federal Office of Child Support Enforcement’s Web site: (http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cse/extinf.html).    

“There has been a dramatic improvement in the past 20 years,” says Geraldine Jensen, founder of the Association for Children for Enforcement of Support and the author of “Child Support: A Complete Reference.” “The biggest one is collecting child support through income withholding. When they get paid, their child support gets paid. That has literally doubled collections in the U.S.”   

According to the federal Office of Child Support Enforcement, more than 69 percent of child support in the United States is paid through income withholding. According to the office’s 2006 fiscal year report, almost $24 billion in child support payments were collected and distributed, up from $21 billion in 2003. ”If you become educated and know your legal rights, you can guide your case through the system,” says Jensen who served on the U.S. Commission of Interstate Child Support and played a key role in developing and passing child support enforcement laws for paternity establishment, income withholding and federal criminal non support laws.   

Jensen urges parents to use these state and federal government resources to enforce their child support payments.      

STEP 1: Contact your state or Tribal child support agency. 

  
Local agencies can help you make sure you have a legal child support order in effect. These agencies can also help establish paternity, if necessary. You can find your state or tribe’s agency by clicking on the links provided at this federal Office of Child Support Enforcement Web page: (http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cse/extinf.html) ”I recommend people use the government because they now have these new tools, income withholding and passport suspension and they can attach commissions and bonuses through automation. You don’t have to wait for a caseworker to do something,” says Jensen, who offers child support collection tips at her website: (http://www.familiesonlinemagazine.com/child-support/troubleshooting-child-support-cases.html)    

STEP 2: Supply the agency with all the information that can help your case.
The federal Office of Child Support Enforcement’s Handbook (http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cse/pubs/2005/handbook_on_cse.pdf) offers a multitude of tips for tracking down delinquent child support payments. It recommends parents provide the following information about the non-custodial parent to their local agency: name, address and Social Security number name and address of current or recent employer names of friends, relatives and any organizations he or she might join pay stubs, tax and bank statements or any other information about his or her income and assets physical description or photograph children’s birth certificates if trying to establish paternity, include letters or notes where the alleged father has said or implied that he is the father of the child your child support order, divorce decree, or separation agreement if you have one records of any child support received in the past information about your income and assets information about expenses, such as your child’s health care, daycare, or special needs(…)The federal Office of Child Support Enforcement’s Handbook () offers a multitude of tips for tracking down delinquent child support payments. It recommends parents provide the following information about the non-custodial parent to their local agency: name, address and Social Security number name and address of current or recent employer names of friends, relatives and any organizations he or she might join pay stubs, tax and bank statements or any other information about his or her income and assets physical description or photograph children’s birth certificates if trying to establish paternity, include letters or notes where the alleged father has said or implied that he is the father of the child your child support order, divorce decree, or separation agreement if you have one records of any child support received in the past information about your income and assets information about expenses, such as your child’s health care, daycare, or special needs(…)

Continue reading this post via divorce360.com

“One of the strongest determinants of how well a child adjusts to a divorce is whether or not the ex-spouses support each other in their continuing relationship as parents. Children benefit when both parents coexist peacefully and accept that their ex-spouse is important to their children.”

Secondary in importance is having continuity between the two parents and the environments in which the children live. Ex-spouses should agree on rules and discipline, chores, mealtimes and bedtimes. The more continuity there is in your children’s lives, the more content they will be. They find great comfort in family routines.

Thirdly, practice authoritative parenting, the parenting style that is often associated with positive outcomes. Authoritative parents are warm and nurturing, they encourage communication, yet they set clear and appropriate rules for their children.

Thanks to the readers of this column for sending in so many clever kid tips.

Divorced dad visits kids via Webcam: I never thought that a high-tech gadget would make a difference in my family after a divorce, but it has. A Webcam (small camera) connected to my computer and another one connected to my ex-wife’s computer allow my two children and me to visit via cyberspace in a sort of video conference. Since I now live a few hours away by car from my two children, the Webcams keep us connected during the weeks when my ex-wife has custody of the children. The kids can even hold up things for me to see, such as a school project. Other divorced or separated parents might want to give it a try. — Anonymous

Note: Webcams also can be a fun way for kids to stay connected to grandparents. Some computers, including Apple products, have built-in Webcams. (T.M.)

Preventing ear infections: Parents can reduce the chance of their babies getting ear infections. First, a baby should never be allowed to lie on his back or side while drinking a bottle. The liquid can back up into his eustachian tubes and cause blockage in the ears. This is a common cause of ear infections. Second, breastfeeding encourages a feeding position that keeps the baby’s head slightly elevated, thereby limiting the possibility of liquid draining to the ears. Also, breast milk contains antibodies that can prevent ear infections. — Adel Y., Fremont

Leftovers served with a flair: I have found a fun and creative way to use up the leftovers in our refrigerator. Once a week, I make a list of all the leftovers available for dinner. Then I put on my fanciest apron, add a few elegant French words to my vocabulary and begin taking orders from each family member. I rattle off the complete menu for that evening, including drinks. The kids love it, my husband rolls his eyes and I get an empty fridge. — L.A.A., Salt Lake City

Check out toys: Toys can clutter up a child’s room in no time. To discourage this, we started a practice of checking out toys from a large cabinet that had a safety lock on it. Each child could check out three toys at a time. When they finished playing with those toys, they could check out three more. The cabinet contained toys (games, puzzles, etc.), but books were always available in each child’s room. — Bonnie L., Fremont

—

Tom McMahon is a syndicated columnist, college professor and author of the books “Kid Tips” and “Teen Tips.” Visit his Web site at www.kidtips.com.

Custody of the children can be a major talking point when negotiating a divorce settlement. Depending on how near or far from one another the parents choose to live, it is possible for children to spend equal time with both of them. Once the marital home is sold (if this is what you decide to do) you may work it out so that both spouses can live in smaller, separate homes within your children’s school district. Furthermore, alimony payments can help out with the mortgage.

What ever you and your spouse may do or argue about, don’t sucked into the trap of neglecting your children. As a parent, the kindest thing you can do is to arrange a quick and easy divorce lasting from a few weeks to a month.

If the circumstances of your situation allow it, joint physical custody of your children may be the healthiest option. A child may struggle to understand the mere concept of divorce; all the more so when coping with divorce. When both parents are available to their children, life after divorce can be a time of healing. 

About the Author:
Nathan Dawson writes for http://www.lifeaftermarriage.com a great online source for finance information.

Source: Free Articles