While some see the end of life as a solemn meant to mourn a passing, others believe that it should be seen as a celebration.  Not to celebrate the end of a life, but to celebrate all that was accomplished while the person was around on this earth, and to honor them as they had lived.

Sometimes an alternative style funeral celebration may be seen as controversial or even offensive.  Often, something that goes against established traditions raises eyebrows.  At their core though, these alternative types of services have the one most important thing in common with a traditional celebration, which is to honor the passing of a cherished person.

Living Funeral

The living funeral was an idea that received popularity from the novel Tuesdays with Morrie.  The simple concept is that a person, usually one who is terminally ill or otherwise knows they have very little time left, hosts a celebration where friends and family gather to say their final farewells.

These are often held in an environment of the host’s choosing.  They also tend to be a warmer, familiar, and more relaxed occasion as people share stories, laugh, and cry, having an opportunity to say their final farewells when the person is still around to hear them.

The Motorcycle Funeral

For anybody that has been a long time rider of the two-wheeled motorized method of travel, a motorcycle becomes an integral part of their lives.  A motorcycle funeral may involve a memorial ride with surviving family, friends, and members of the deceased’s motorcycle club honoring the fallen with one last ride.

In the case of one motorcycle enthusiast, his viewing involved his body riding his motorcycle one last time.  It’s certainly strange to see, but for his closest friends and family, they wanted to see him one last time, not as he died, but as he lived.

A Green Service

The impact of losing a loved one is a tremendous event and it is certainly no less of an impact on our environment.  An article that appeared in 2008 in Scientific American referenced a study in National Geographic that highlighted the environmental impact that funerals are having.  Millions of feet of wooden boards, thousands of tons of steel, hundreds of thousands of gallons of embalming fluid, these are all being kept underground.

An eco-conscious person is not interested in leaving a lasting impression.  For them, the ideal service is a modest and reserved one.  Only the closest people would attend, working diligently to reduce the carbon footprint of the event.  A green burial often involves avoiding cremation and using a casket made of biodegradable material.  The belief here lies in the idea of returning everything to the earth from which we originally came.

Contemporary society has no shortage of ways to see the passing of our loved ones.  Some may seem strange and maybe even offensive to certain sensibilities at times.  Remember though, that for the loved ones who still remain, their choice of service reflect how they feel is best to honor and respect those that are no longer with us.

Consider Stone Type and Colour

One of the first factors to consider in finding the right headstone, memorial or gravestone is what stone type and colour to choose. From graphite to marble there are an array of rock forms available, most of which come in a variation of shades. Whilst most cemeteries tend to allow any kind of natural stone, churchyards have stricter limitations and some types of rock are not permitted. Those unsure of which rock forms they are able to use should consult with their stonemason to seek advice. 

Think about Size

Deciding upon an appropriate memorial, headstone or gravestone size is an important aspect of the decision process. Often there is a maximum size allowed but this is highly dependent upon the place of burial or erection. Whilst memorials are often larger, as many are crafted in respect for groups of people such as soldiers or royal families, all three are available in a range of sizes. The size of the memorial, headstone or gravestone can also represent the physical age of the deceased, but again, this is entirely dependent on the wishes of those closest.

Choose Quotations

Quotations are often prominent on memorials, headstones and gravestones, and are a great way to represent the character, life and spirit of those who have passed away. Sayings that had meaning and importance can be passed on through generations, and ultimately can create a lasting legacy. From choosing the right colour to the correct font, there are many things to think about when deciding upon quotations. Every aspect is equally as important, and will create a strong impression on those passing by, as well as family and friends.

Decide upon Photo-plaques and Ornamentations

Photo-plaques are essentially an image of a loved one that can be set onto their gravestone, headstone or memorial, providing that the photo is of a high quality. Backgrounds can be taken out of the photo, depending on the family’s desires and images will be made to be durable and hard-wearing, ensuring that they last for decades to come. A great visual reminder of those who have passed away, photo-plaques are becoming an increasingly popular option when it comes to choosing the layout of gravestones, headstones and memorials.

Ornamentations are likewise a superb visual reminder, often symbolic of religion, hobbies, or personality that is added to the plaque. From the serious symbol of a cross to a fun image of a motorbike, there are a range of inventive and original ornamentations that family and friends may choose to include in order to make the gravestone, memorial or headstone truly unique.

Conclusion

Choosing the right gravestone, headstone or memorial includes thinking about a variety of aspects. From considering whether or not to include photo-plaques and ornamentations to thinking about the stone colour and size, there are many elements to consider during this process. Those unsure of what to include should consult with their stonemason to ensure that they are fully content in their final decisions.

Article written by memorial headstones mason firm, Memorials of Distinction.

No Need for Embalming Fluids

A so-called green burial would not require the use of any embalming fluids. Embalming fluids have been known to preserve the human body’s remains a lot longer than what is necessary or natural. As such, they actually contribute to a certain degree of environmental pollution, especially over the long term. A green burial would not pollute the environment due to its focus on all-natural processes and is often chosen for eco funerals.

More Room for Natural Growth

A traditional cemetery is a site that really does not permit for much natural growth at all. A green burial would reverse that problem because the ground won’t be perennially disturbed in order to place coffins into the ground. Further, there also won’t be any headstones that are required, thereby leaving more of the natural environment that only works to promote more natural growth.

Everything’s All-Natural

The big problem with traditional funerals is that they aren’t friendly to the environment because of the use of unnatural ingredients like embalming fluids, a metal casket and concrete burial vault, and so on. Eco funerals, on the other hand, simply allows for the body to recycle and decompose in the most natural way possible. The body’s interment in the soil will not impede decomposition in any way.

Eco Funerals and Burials Still Look Nice

Some people cringe at the thought of a green burial because they believe it won’t be as respectful or ceremonial as a traditional burial, but nothing is further from the truth. Instead of a headstone, a tree or native flat rock will be utilized to mark the burial, and inscriptions are still an option. In addition, vegetation around the burial site can be pre-chosen. People often prefer to visit their deceased loved one’s at a natural burial ground because it is much more peaceful due to its park-like setting.

Easier for Families

Loved ones who visit a proper cemetery tend to get depressed because of the reminder of death all around them. Green burials take place in sites that can double as nature preserves, which means that visiting loved ones have the option of even picnicking or hiking in the area when they visit their dead loved ones.

These are the five advantages of eco funerals and burials. These types of funerals and burials have been around for many centuries. However, it was only in modern times that they have been disrupted by new methods like embalming, metal caskets, vaults, and other practices that are harmful to the environment. Eco funerals are definitely an alternative to traditional Western burial methods, which some may find interesting and worth looking into more.

What exactly are green burials?

Green burials, also referred to as natural burials, are environmentally friendly burials which require less energy to create, consumer fewer resources, and are non-toxic. These burials are designed to naturally biodegrade, greatly benefiting the growth of native trees, flowers, greenery, and other wildlife in the area. Experts estimate that over 60,000 tons of steel and 4.8 million gallons of embalming fluid are buried each year with traditional cremation burials. Green burials present a healthy, natural alternative.

Planning a green burial isn’t any more difficult than a more traditional funeral is; it’s just a new process. Here we are going to reveal the most popular green burial options to make it easier for you to realistically consider the possibility of having a green burial.

Green Caskets

Green caskets usually consist of sustainably harvested poplar wood and made without any varathanes, metals, hinges, dyes, or chemicals. Poplar trees are often referred to as “weed wood” because they mature at a particularly fast rate, allowing them to quickly reforest an area after being planted. Green caskets use traditional carpentry methods together with non-chemical adhesives to join corners as an alternative to using nails and screws, which take a very long time to naturally break down.

Natural Land Protected by Cemeteries

There are six fully certified conversation cemeteries around the United States. These certified grave sites are governed by rules that ensure the entire burial process remains completely natural and organic. For example, one of the rules is every grave site must be dug by hand, and only biodegradable material is allowed to be buried with the body. Conservation easements on green burial sites ensure that no further development will be permitted on the land. The land can be protected forever.

What are the costs of a green burial?

Green burials can be less expensive than more traditional funerals because the process is much simpler. There are no metal caskets or expensive embalming fluids used. However, due to the many steps of a green burial that require manual, non-automated labor, the costs of a green burial remain more expensive than a cremation.

Take Time to Consider Green Burial Options

The environmental stress relief a green burial provides is tremendous, it really does make a difference. Strongly consider choosing one of the green burial options if the idea of resting with nature organically appeals to you. Going green is by far the most environmentally friendly burial option available today.

What is a Green Cemetery?

Only recently have burial methods such as cremation become a trend. Why? Most experts believe the reason why cremation has become one of the most popular burial methods is because of the lower cost compared to green burials. Most, however, don’t take the negative environmental effect each stage of the cremation process occurs into consideration.

Picture this: a quiet, forested area complete with the entire natural ecosystem that you would expect. There are no paved roads, the grass has not been fertilized nor manicured, and everything appears natural. This is a green cemetery. There are no headstones to mark each grave site, instead, trees and flowers have been planted as natural markers. Unembalmed bodies are laid into a basic, biodegradable coffin, without any concrete liners. Everything is one hundred percent organic. Does this sound new to you? Remember, this is what burial has been like for the majority of human history.

3 Important Benefits of Green Cemeteries

More and more people every year are becoming open to the idea of having their own green burial in a green cemetery. Let’s discuss three unique benefits of green cemeteries.

1. The positive effect on the environment – Green cemeteries have a huge trickledown effect on the environment. Natural decomposition enriches the soil, in turn assisting the forestry and plants, which help local wildlife survive. This is a sharp 180 degree turn from traditional cemeteries which actually damage the eco-system.
2. The positive effect on the community – The atmosphere of a green cemetery is very different than that of a traditional cemetery. When you’re visiting a green cemetery it doesn’t feel as though you’re walking through a graveyard. It’s much akin to the mindset of ‘celebrating life’ rather than mourning a loss.
3. Green cemeteries serve as both a natural burial, and a conservation of land. Many green cemeteries will double as an open park. You can often see families having a picnic, or throwing a Frisbee around. Some believe this may re-invent ominous cemetery culture.

There are enormous benefits to choosing a green cemetery over a traditional cemetery. Take your time to read this page once more and decide if you want to be a part of the green cemetery movement.

A green burial, on the other hand, has a minimal impact on the environment, especially when considering the carbon footprint that creating a casket, producing embalming fluid, or burning matter create. Instead, the deceased will be able to choose a location where their body will be buried in a shroud, without embalming, that will be used to nurture plant life, including growing trees. Here are five benefits of a green funeral and why you may want to choose to have one.

It’s Natural

One of the more obvious qualities of a green funeral is its association with nature. The green funeral will have a greatly reduced impact on the local environment when compared to other funeral options. The body will be returned to the earth, a poetic sentiment often cited in religious and philosophical literature as part of the cycle of life and death. New life will benefit directly from that which has passed.

It’s Comforting 

Knowing that you will become one with the earth can be a source of comfort, but it can also comfort those who mourn you. When your life goes on to help a tree to grow, you will have a living monument that loved ones can see as a continuation of your memory. Most green burials are marked with a simple flagstone, as opposed to a much larger headstone.

It’s Less Expensive

A green funeral can cost as little as $2,000 or less, depending on where you wish to be buried, whereas even an affordable traditional burial can cost $6,000 or more. Green funerals involve less materials, less preparation, and require less money as a result, which means more of your estate can go to the people that you care for.

It’s Safe

Although contamination of water may be a concern with a green burial, the truth is that any bacteria within the body will quickly become inert before the issue arises. Green burials are commonly placed far away from open sources of water as well. In addition, there is no combustion, and thus no harmful pollutants will enter the air, as is the case with cremation.

It Improves the World You Love

Green burials can enrich the soil with organic material, providing much needed nutrients and nurturing the microorganisms that plants need to grow and survive. Stronger trees mean an area has better protection against storms and flooding, and helps to reduce the pollution that has already taken a toll on the world. Green cemeteries provide a rich, strong foundation for plant life that can be enjoyed by generations to come.

The above five points are only a few of the benefits of a green funeral. Read the other articles on green funerals listed below to learn more about planning a green funeral for your loved one.

Finding the Bad Reveals the Good

Step one is identifying all the potential environmentally unfriendly activities that typically take place at a funeral. Don’t limit yourself to only thinking about the obvious, consider even the most common, mundane steps such as:

• Invitations
• Reception
• Transportation
• Flowers
• Location

Those are some of the main points to help spark your mind. Think about what a traditional funeral service expects of each listed point, then think of the potential environmental dangers. For example, consider carpooling with friends and family to both save gas, and avoid potential parking issues at the reception. There are many quick fixes, such as carpooling, that can instantly make your funeral service more environmentally friendly.

Use Eco-Friendly Funeral Products

Hinted above, purchasing local flowers grown without pesticides can reduce your eco footprint while supporting your local economy. The problem with purchasing flowers online, or from big box stores, and having them delivered is the heavy stress the large delivery trucks and excessive packaging puts on the environment. Consider creating a flower fund for the entire family to guarantee only the best eco-friendly flowers are purchased all at once.

Minimize Use of Resources

After the funeral service ends, most family and close friends tend to gather together at a local home. Consider waiting until that moment to have lunch together and share memories. If you’re looking to have a picnic at a natural burial ground, remember to bring re-usable plastic containers, avoiding non-recyclable disposable sandwich bags.

Another tips is avoiding using paper entirely by emailing funeral invites and thank you notes rather than using cards that are going to be in the trash just a month later. If you choose to go the digital route and email family and friends it may be a good idea to have everyone RSVP by phone call. This ensures everybody receives your email without any technical issues.

Use a Green Casket

Green caskets are specially designed to biodegrade naturally. They are constructed with sustainable wood products absent of any dies, chemicals, or metals, using traditional carpentry methods to create corners and folds. Green caskets tend to have a higher price tag than their more common metal alternatives due to the manual labor they take to create. Green caskets are often handmade in small specialty woodworking shops. They are very beautiful pieces of art that also benefit the environment around us.

Planning a Green Funeral Benefits Everybody

Planning a green funeral service is a great deed to the local eco-system. Doing your part to better the environment is an honorable thing, especially at the time of a funeral. For even more green funeral service ideas, consider having a green burial done in a natural burial ground. Every small adjustment which betters our world is a step in the right direction.

It turns out both cremation, and traditional cemeteries, are hazardous to our environment in many ways. The fumes originating from the crematorium, the gas required to manicure the grounds, and the destruction of a local eco-system are just a handful of harmful side effects we overlook for a discount.

Let’s talk about a viable alternative that’s trending throughout the United States – natural burial grounds. Natural burial grounds ditch the poisonous prerogative of valuing efficiency over everything by taking us back to our roots. Natural burials are a statement of personal values enabling environmentally conscious individuals to minimize their impact on the environment and contribute to a new posthumous movement.

Natural Burial Grounds Explained

You already know what a traditional cemetery is like. A heavy vibe of emotions weighs on your shoulders as you walk along the paved pathway past the assorted sizes of stone and granite headstones. It’s a very strange environment. Everything is well-kept and neat, flowers being replaced regularly. You know all of this already; you’ve been there and seen this same image.

Natural burial grounds on the other hand paint a completely different picture. The best way for you to accurately imagine a natural burial ground is to picture a small forest. There can be a meadow, or small river dividing it in half, with a large open area, acres wide, where you may see wild deer prancing about if you’re lucky. There are a wide variety of birds, plants, and other wildlife. This is an area capable of bearing the responsibility of a natural burial ground.

The contrast between a traditional burial ground and a natural burial ground is apparent. The atmosphere is vastly different. A natural burial ground is essentially an open, protected park where families gather to respect their loved ones. A sense of unity is felt between the visiting humans and the occupying wildlife. The grounds feel alive and active, much unlike the vibes received at a more traditional burial ground.

Consider Your Own Natural Burial Ground

It makes sense that natural burial grounds are gaining more and more popularity every year. You really have to visit a local green burial ground to observe the differences for yourself. Choosing a natural burial ground is a very fulfilling decision that ensures you do your part in bettering our environment for generations to come.

For example; did you know that funerals have a largely negative impact on our environment? From the embalming process to the steel coffins and granite headstones, it seems surprising how many people are willing to give one last swing at the globe they’ve lived on before laying to rest.

Today we’re going to share with you the most popular eco-friendly funeral products so you can make an educated decision on how you can do your part in keeping things green.

Eco-Friendly Green Caskets

Green caskets are built from low-impact, sustainably harvested materials. Popular woods used to create beautiful green caskets are poplar, and bamboo. Poplar wood is particularly common because of its ability to sprout very quickly, earning it the nickname ‘weed wood’. Bamboo is no slouch either; taking only 59 days to grow back to full height after being cut down from the root. No re-planting necessary.

There are no chemical adhesives or metal pieces added to eco-friendly green caskets in order to keep them completely biodegradable. For that same reason you will note green caskets are free from varathanes, formaldehyde, pesticides, and preservatives.

Locally Sourced Flowers

Enter another hidden environmental danger often overlooked: packaging and transportation. Sometimes you can even find companies who claim to be selling organic, environmentally friendly products just to ship them across the world in non-recyclable packaging on large fuel burning trucks. We recommend going to your local farmer’s market for natural flowers grown without any pesticides or other chemicals. If you don’t have a local farmer’s market in your area, be sure to call nearby flower shops to ask how their flowers are being treated before the picking process. Another place to find eco-friendly funeral products is at your own home. Ask everyone attending the funeral to pick a few flowers from their garden and bring them to the funeral, instead of purchasing flowers.

Green Funeral Stationary

This is another non-friendly funeral product easy to overlook. When creating a funeral invitation or thank you card, please be sure to print on recycled paper with a printer featuring a refillable ink cartridge. This saves a great load of stress from hitting the environment in comparison to buying plastic cards en masse from your local Hallmark. If you don’t own a green printer, consider visiting your local library.

An even easier alternative is to email all communications. Say what you will about modern technology, but the amount of paper it has saved is tremendous.

Eco-Friendly Funeral Products Make a Difference

It really is rewarding to purchase eco-friendly funeral products and prevent the environment we all share. To look even further into making a difference, consider having a green funeral. Every little conscious adjustment we make results in a positive change and further environmental awareness.

How Will You Die? The Causes of Death in the U.S.

Death is the permanent cessation of all biological functions that sustain a particular living organism. It is estimated that of the roughly 150,000 people who die each day across the globe, about 2/3 or 100,000 per day die of age-related causes. Biological aging is by far the leading cause of death in the United States.

Life Expectancy in the U.S.

How long you live depends on your gender and geography. In the United States women live longer than men. As of May 2013, the average life expectancy of women is 81 years on average and men is 76. Even though on average women still live longer than men, over the last 15 years the gap has narrowed.

Geography also impacts the life expectancy of men and women in the United States. Coastal California and many of the Northern States have significantly higher life expectancies than many Southern States. There are many factors that contribute to these statistics, but lifestyle plays the largest role. California residents, on average, live a more active lifestyle, eat better, and smoke less than many other States.

Currently in the United States the death rate is 8.9 per every 1000 people. The death rate is projected to increase to 10.9 by 2040. With the continued improvements in health care, many people may wonder why the death rate has stopped decreasing and started to increase. The rise in death rate is due to an aging population in the United States. After the baby boom following World War II the birth rate began to decrease. Today, the aging population combined with decreased birth rate means that the death rate in the United States is increasing.

Leading Causes of Death in the U.S.

The leading causes of death in the United States has changed over time with death by infectious diseases such as influenza decreasing and degenerative diseases such as cancer and diabetes increasing.

Age has a significant impact on the cause of death in the United States. People over the age of 45 are more likely to die from cardiovascular diseases, malignant neoplasms (cancers) and diabetes. People over the age of 65 are more likely to die from chronic lower respiratory disease, influenza and pneumonia.

The causes of death for people under the age of 35 are far different. Younger people are more likely to die from motor vehicle accidents and firearms than older people.

Occupations with High Fatal Work Injury Rates

Your profession also impacts your life expectancy in the United States. As a percentage per 100,000 employees, in 2011 the jobs with the highest fatal injury rate are fishing workers and logging workers. Aircraft pilots, refuse collectors, roofers, and steel workers, also have a high fatal work injury rate when compared to other professions.

By far, the most fatal work injuries per year happen to truck drives, followed by farmers and ranchers. Even though more than 700 truckers die per year, the fatality rate is lower than many other professions because of the large number of people employed as truck drivers. You can see by the data above that the profession you choose can have a significant impact on your life expectancy.

If you like this infographic please click the buttons below to share it with your friends and colleagues. Use the link below to embed the infographic “How Will You Die? The Causes of Death in the U.S.” on your website.

A burial service is chosen instead of a funeral service for a variety of reasons, with the most common being the lower cost and simplicity. The following list explains in more detail the burial services pros and cons when compared to a funeral service.

Burial Service Pros and Cons

PROS

Time - A burial service often only takes 30 minutes. This is more convenient for friends and family to attend. A funeral that includes a burial will take 4 to 6 hours and will require attendees to take an entire day off work if the service is during the week. The graveside service is less stressful for a grieving family, because it will be finished quickly.

Simplicity - A burial service is far easier to organize. You may want to have flowers at the grave, but other than that no other funeral products are required. A funeral service will often include funeral stationery, a video tribute, decorations, and more.

Cost - Because a burial service is simpler it is also far cheaper. The cost of using a funeral home, paying for food, flowers, and everything else included with a traditional funeral service is very expensive. Families will often choose a cemetery service to save money.

Eco-Friendly – A reason for a burial service that has become more popular recently is because it is greener. Families will have a natural burial at a green cemetery in an effort to protect the environment. The simplicity of a natural burial means that fewer natural resources are used when compared to a traditional funeral service.

CONS

Less Social – One of the benefits of a funeral service is that it gives friends and family an opportunity to get together and share memories and help each other through the grieving process. A burial service does not have time for this interaction. If a family choses to do a burial instead of a funeral, they will often have a gathering at their house afterwards where everyone can socialize.

Less Personalized – A burial service is far less personalized than a funeral service. A funeral includes eulogies from friends and family. Furthermore, songs, prayers and hymns, video presentations and other tributes are part of a memorial service. A cemetery service is very simple and rarely includes speeches other than the family saying a few words.

Less Religious – Depending on your faith, a funeral service may be necessary. It is difficult to include the prayers, hymns and other religious ceremonies that are part of a traditional funeral at a burial service.

The reasons listed above are the most common pros and cons for choosing a graveside burial service instead of a traditional funeral service. The decision on whether or not to have a burial, funeral, or both, will primarily depend on your budget and beliefs.

Typically a close friend, family member, or a member of the clergy, will deliver the eulogy. Naturally, when someone is asked to deliver a speech at a funeral, there is some hesitation. It is not that the person does not want to honor their loved one; it is the fear of speaking in front of a group of people. Combine the fear of public speaking with the grief of a loss and giving a eulogy is a difficult thing to do. We recommend the following 6-Step Guide to Writing and Delivery a Eulogy. Click the following link to learn more about this excellent product. Or, read the summary of the 6-step eulogy writing guide below.

6-Step Eulogy Writing Guide

1. Prepare

Preparation is an important and often overlooked step when writing a eulogy. The emotion of losing a loved one combined with the distractions of career, family and other outside factors can affect our ability to write a eulogy. Locate a place where you can be alone and turn off your phone and anything else that will cause distraction. Now, take a deep breathe, relax, and began writing the eulogy.

2. Plan

Now that you are ready to begin writing the eulogy, you should start by planning what you are going to write. Do you want the eulogy to be serious or light-hearted? Do you want to share your own stories, or include stories from other people? Do you want the eulogy to be written in chronological order? What information do you want to include? For example, family history, career, interests, and so on.

3. Collect

After you have decided what to write you will need to collect the information. Write the headings of the topics you plan to include on a piece of paper. This may include childhood, family, education, career, marriage, children, interests, and so on. Next, begin to write all of the information you can think of under each heading. When you are finished, you can contact family members and close friends and ask them to provide you additional information on the deceased. You will also want to spend time thinking about a few personal stories that you can include in the eulogy.

4. Write

Now that you have all of the information for the eulogy, it is time to write it. Begin by taking the information and turning it into a rough draft. The best way to do this is to take the information under each heading and turn it into properly structured paragraphs. Next, you will want to write the introductory paragraph where you introduce yourself and what you plan to speak about in the eulogy. The next step is to take each of the sections you have written and combine them into a speech. Remember that this is the first draft and will likely include a lot of facts that are unnecessary. Read the speech to yourself a few times and remove the unnecessary information and fix the spelling and grammar errors. Continue to edit and rewrite the speech until you are left with a final version that you are happy with.

5. Practice

When the final version of the eulogy is complete it is time to rehearse the speech. Read it to yourself a few times and refine the speech as necessary. Next, you will want to read the speech out loud to better prepare yourself for reading the eulogy at the funeral. You may also want to ask a friend or family member if they will listen to the speech because they can help by suggesting changes. Practice the speech as often as you need, but do not worry about memorizing it.

6. Deliver

Now that you have practiced the speech, it is time to read it at the funeral. Remember to try and not worry about memorizing the speech. We recommend printing a copy of the speech in a large font and having it with you. The friends and family will not care if you refer to the speech, or even read from it, at the funeral. Also, it is perfectly understandable if you get emotional during the speech. If you begin to get overwhelmed with emotions, simply pause and take a deep breath then continue.

Reading a eulogy at a funeral gives you a chance to honor the person who passed away. Writing and giving the eulogy may seem like an impossible task at first, but with some preparation it can be easier than you may think. Above we have provided you with the basic information required to write a eulogy. For more in-depth information and help, click the link below to download the 6-step eulogy writing guide.

Writing a speech to read at a funeral is very difficult. The emotion of losing a loved one is immense and organizing your thoughts into a speech is difficult. Furthermore, there is so much information that you want to share with the people attending the funeral. You want to show them how special the deceased person was and how much they meant to you. To help write the perfect speech to memorialize and honor your loved one, we have put together the following tips for writing memorial service speeches.

8 Tips for Writing Memorial Service Speeches

1. Keep it short and to the point

You have probably heard the saying “less is more”. It is important to remember when writing a speech for a memorial service. You likely shared numerous experiences with your loved one. Furthermore, he or she had a lot of good qualities and interests that you want to share. However, the most effective memorial service speeches are 5 to 10 minutes in length. Focus on the deceased’s qualities that you will remember the most about him or her. Share a story or two that best depicts these qualities and that everyone in attendance will be able to relate to.

2. Introduce yourself

People who read memorial service speeches often forget to introduce themselves. A wide range of people will be attending the funeral and not everyone will know who you are. Furthermore, it can help to give a brief background on how you knew the deceased. This may not be necessary if they were a family member. However, if you are a friend of the deceased it is helpful to provide some information on where and when you met the person.

3. Remember who it is about

It is important to remember the purpose of the eulogy speech. You are there to honor and pay tribute to the person who passed away. Often people delivering speeches will start to speak too much about their personal relationship with the deceased. Furthermore, people will also speak about the grief they are feeling over the loss. It is understandable why people do this, but it creates a disconnect between the person giving the speech and the audience. The goal should be to share information about the deceased so that people attending the funeral can learn more about the person and remember the time they shared with the deceased.

4. Stay positive and add humor

A funeral is a very sad occasion. The eulogy provides you with an opportunity to put a smile on the face of friends and family. Instead of discussing the sadness you are feeling over the loss, speak about the wonderful life the person lived and his or her positive qualities. Sharing a humorous story will help to break the tension in the room and add laughter to a somber situation.

5. Make it conversational

The best memorial service speeches are conversational. Think of the speech as a conversation you are having with a close friend. Oftentimes, people reading a speech will simply read a list of facts about the person and read a story or two. It is not necessary to share every piece of information about the person. Instead, the goal is to engage the audience and share with them what made the deceased person so special to you and everyone else.

6. Be inclusive of everyone

The memorial service will include friends, family, coworkers, and other acquaintances. Not everyone attending the funeral will know the deceased as well as you did. Do not assume that everyone knew him or her the way you did. It is ok to share personal memories, but try to choose stories that emphasize a personal quality of the deceased person. That way, even though people attending the funeral were not there for the situation, they will still be able to relate to the story.

7. Bring a printed copy

It is not necessary to memorize the speech. In fact, trying to memorize the speech can make reading the speech more difficult because if you forget what to say it can be difficult to get back on track. Print a copy of the speech using a large font that is easy to read from far away. That way you do not have to hold the speech close to your face to read it. We recommend reading the speech a few times before the funeral to become familiar with it and then refer to the printed speech while delivering the eulogy.

8. Don’t be afraid to show emotion

The most important tip to remember when delivering a eulogy is to not be afraid to show emotion. Everyone attending the funeral will be sharing in your grief and will understand how difficult it is to read a eulogy about your loved one who passed away. We recommend bringing a glass of water with you to the podium. If you find that you are getting emotional during the speech, pause, take a deep breath and drink some water, then continue. This will help you to collect your emotions and continue with the speech. If you find that the emotion is to great, you can request that a friend or family member continue reading the speech on your behalf.

The 8 tips for writing memorial service speeches are helpful to keep in mind when writing and delivering a eulogy. We recommend that you also read one of our eulogy writing guides listed below to learn more about how to properly structure a eulogy and what information to include. This will help you write a beautiful eulogy speech for your loved one.

How do you write a eulogy that summarizes the life of your loved one in a 5 to 10 minute speech? The second difficult part of writing a eulogy is choosing the information and stories related to your loved one to share with people at the funeral. The person achieved a lot in his or her life and you shared numerous memories with them. It is important to know what information is typically included in a eulogy. The guide below will help you write a eulogy and select the information to include in the speech.

How do you Write a Eulogy?

1. Collect the Information

The first step to writing a eulogy is to collect the information. Begin by taking a piece of paper, or sitting at a computer, and write down everything about the person that you can think of. Don’t worry about writing too much; the goal is to collect as much information as you can. Think about what made the person special, what were the favorite memories you shared together, what the person taught you, and what you will remember most about them. It can help to look at old photographs because they can help trigger memories you have forgotten.

Now that you have collected as much information as you can, the next step is to interview others. Speaking to friends and family of the deceased can help you to gather more information to include in the eulogy. If you are looking for additional help collecting information, use the following list to give you more ideas.

- Birthplace: Where was he or she born?

- Family: Parents, brothers and sisters.

- Childhood: Location, friends, interests, etc.

- Education: High school, post-secondary, trade school and any awards or other designations.

- Relationships: Marriage, divorce and any other significant relationships.

- Children: Children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, etc.

- Career: Most significant jobs, positions held, achievements, etc.

- Organizations: Military service, fraternal organizations and other clubs.

- Interests: Sports, hobbies, travels, etc.

- Other: Any other special facts about the person.

2. Write the Eulogy

After you have collected the data, the second step is to write the eulogy. Typically, a eulogy is either written in chronological order and like all speeches it includes a beginning, middle, and conclusion. The introduction should welcome people and introduce yourself, your loved one, and the theme of your eulogy. The middle (body) is the main part of your eulogy, where you share information and stories about the deceased. The conclusion is your last word, where you tie the themes together, telling a final story and ending with a final farewell.

The first step is to take the information you collected and arrange it in to the order you want for the speech. Next, you will want to turn the facts into grammatically correct paragraphs. Remember that the first step is to produce a draft and it is important not to worry too much about spelling, grammar and the overall speech. The goal is to get a speech written and then you can revise it.

3. Polish and Practice

After you have written the first draft you will want to read through it and begin to fix spelling and grammar errors. Cross out sections that are unnecessary, or move sections around to change the order of the speech. It will take a few revisions before you produce the final speech.

Now that you have the final version of the speech you will want to practice reading the speech. Practicing the speech will help to prepare you for reading it at the funeral and will also help you to find mistakes you may have missed during the editing phase. After you have read the speech to yourself a few times, we recommend asking a friend or family member if you can read the speech to them. They will be able to suggest changes to the speech and help you feel comfortable reading it in front of other people.

4. Deliver the Eulogy

After all of the hard work writing the eulogy it is time to read it at the funeral service. Reading the eulogy will likely be the most difficult part of the eulogy process. Reading a speech in public is a fear that many of us have; however, saying a few words about a loved one at their funeral is a huge honor. Remember that everyone attending the funeral is sharing in the grief that you are feeling. They will understand if you get emotional during the eulogy and are there to support you.

We recommend printing a copy of the speech in a large font and brining it to the funeral. It is not necessary to memorize the speech and trying to memorize it will add stress to an already difficult situation. Remember that friends and family will appreciate the words you have written about the deceased person and will understand if you have to read the speech or if you get emotional during the eulogy.

How do you write a eulogy? It isn’t easy, but it is a tremendously rewarding exercise. The process of writing the eulogy gives you an opportunity to reflect on all of the fond memories you shared with the deceased. Looking through old photos and reflecting on memories is an excellent grief recovery tool. Furthermore, reading the eulogy at the funeral gives you a chance to say goodbye to your loved one and pay tribute to their life. For more help learning how to write a eulogy, read the other articles listed below.

“The funeral is a time to pay tribute to the person’s life. The eulogy acknowledges the unique life of the person who died and affirms the significance of that life for all who shared it.” according to Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, a noted author and grief counselor. A eulogy serves two purposes; first, it provides the eulogist an opportunity to say goodbye to the deceased and express to everyone at the funeral how much the person meant to him or her. The second purpose of a eulogy is to share information about the deceased with friends and family in attendance. The eulogist can share fond memories and highlight the attributes that made the deceased person special. This gives everyone in attendance an opportunity to reflect on the person’s life and learn more about what type of person he or she was.

How to Write a Speech for a Funeral

1. Select a theme

The first step for learning how to write a speech for a funeral is to decide what type of eulogy you want to write. A eulogy will typically be written with a biographical or personal theme. A biographical theme recounts the life history of the person in chronological order. It discusses the person’s childhood, family, relationships, children, career, interests, and so on. A biographical theme will help people attending the funeral learn more about the life of the deceased person. The other type of eulogy uses a personal theme. A personal theme is more focused on memories that people have of the deceased. It will include biographical information, but the information will be shared using more of a conversational tone. The eulogist will share their favorite memories and may also include favorite memories of family and friends.

2. Collect information

The second step is to collect the information for the eulogy. Spend time reflecting on time you spent with the deceased and write down your favorite memories. Looking through old photo albums will help to trigger memories that you shared and your favorite qualities of the individual. Next, you may want to interview family and friends of the deceased to collect more information that you may not have had. The following topics will help you to collect the information for the eulogy.

- Where was he or she born

- Family information: Parents, brothers and sisters names

- Childhood: location and interests

- Education: high school, post-secondary and any awards/achievements

- Relationships: marriage, divorce and any other significant relationships

- Children: children, grand-children, etc

- Career: positions held, achievements, etc

- Organizations: military service, charities, fraternal and other clubs

- Interests: sports, hobbies, travels, etc

- Other: any other special facts about the person

3. Organize your notes

Now that you have learned how to write a speech for a funeral and what to include it is time to organize your thoughts. You should have multiple pages of notes with information you collected from others and wrote yourself. The next step is to organize the information into an order based on the theme of the eulogy. Write the headings of each section in order and organize the notes under each heading. During this step you can also eliminate any information that you find unnecessary to include in the speech.

4. Write the speech

After you have organized the notes under headings it is time to turn them into properly structured paragraphs. Do not worry about perfecting the speech; the goal of the first draft is to turn the notes into a speech. After you have written the first draft, read through it a few times and cross out any information that is not required. The next step is to focus on fixing spelling and grammar errors. You should now have a well-written speech that you would be happy to read at your loved one’s memorial service.

5. Practice the speech

Now that you have the final copy of your speech it is time to practice it. The goal is to become familiar with the speech and comfortable reading it, but not to memorize it. Read through the speech on your own as many times as you want. It can help to read the speech into a tape recorder to hear how it sounds. Or, read it to a friend or family member. They will be able to give you feedback and suggest changes.

6. Deliver the speech

Print a copy of the speech in a large font and bring it with you to the funeral. Everyone in attendance will understand if you need to refer to the paper during your speech. Also, try not to worry too much about getting emotional during the speech. Friends and family understand how difficult the situation is and will be sympathetic if you get emotional. If you find that you are getting emotional during the speech, pause and take a deep breath then continue. If you are very worried about getting emotional you could provide a friend or family member a copy of the speech and request that they read it on your behalf if you are unable to do so.

You now know how to write a speech for a funeral and it is time to get started. The most important thing to remember is that the friends and family attending the funeral will appreciate any words that you say about the deceased. Think about your favorite memories you shared with your loved one. The eulogy gives you an opportunity to show everyone how much the person meant to you and what qualities made them so special.

While writing eulogies may seem to be difficult, especially if the person has little experience writing a speech, there are products available in the market to help the speaker be at ease and write a personal and heartfelt eulogy. We recommend the following 6-step Guide to Writing and Delivery a Eulogy. Click the following link to learn more about this excellent product.

Steps for Writing Eulogies to Loved Ones

1. Prepare yourself – It is important to begin the eulogy when you are in the right frame of mind. Writing a eulogy to someone you love that has passed away is very difficult. It is important that you set aside some quiet time to collect your thoughts, relax, and then begin writing the eulogy.

2. Plan the eulogy – The first step to writing the eulogy is to decide what type of eulogy you want to write. Do you want it to be serious or light-hearted? Do you want to share personal stories? Do you want it to be in chronological order?

3. Gather information – After you have decided what to write you will need to collect the information. Begin by thinking of memories you shared with the deceased. Looking through photos will help. Next, you can contact family members and close friends and ask them to provide you information on the deceased.

4. Write the eulogy – Now that you have all of the information for the eulogy, it is time to write it. Begin by taking the information and turning it into a rough draft. The next step is to read over the draft and turn it into a well-composed speech. It may take you a few re-writes until you get a speech that you are happy with.

5. Rehearse and refine – When the final draft is complete it is time to rehearse the speech. Read it to yourself a few times and refine the speech as necessary. Next, you will want to read the speech out loud to better prepare you for reading the eulogy at the funeral. You may also want to ask a friend or family member if they will listen to the speech because they can help by suggesting changes.

6. Deliver the eulogy – Now that you have practiced the speech, it is time to deliver it at the funeral. Try not to stress too much about memorizing the speech. We recommend printing a copy of the speech and having it with you. The friends and family will not care if you read the speech or get emotional during the speech. If you begin to get overwhelmed with emotions, simply pause and take a deep breath then continue.

As mentioned, writing eulogies is difficult. Writing the eulogy with honesty and from the heart makes it a lot easier. The best thing that you can do is to share your personal experiences with the loved one to everyone at the funeral. What made the person special to you and what qualities did you appreciate the most? Recall the memories you shared together and why they were important.

Reading a eulogy at a funeral gives you a chance to celebrate the life of the person who died, share the memories that happened, inspire other people, and ease the feelings of pain of the survivors. Writing it at first may be difficult, and while delivering it may make the eulogist break down and cry, the audience will understand. Writing eulogies is not easy and delivering them is even more difficult; however, it is a rewarding task and saying a few words at your loved ones funeral will be appreciated by everyone in attendance.

The solemnity of the event should reflect in the manner of clothing, and a simple dress or suit would be enough to extend the mourning spirit and thus, extend sympathy for the family.  For children, on the other hand, comfortable, dark clothing without logos or faddish ensembles would perfectly suit the event. Funeral dress etiquette calls for a more traditional style that captures the mourning spirit and extends the condolences of the wearer.

However, there are certain families that would encourage more upbeat, brighter colors instead of the traditional funeral dress etiquette. Those who are young, and young at heart, can deviate from the traditional style to more fashionable and bright clothing. They can go for lighter colors and women may wear dresses that are knee-length and do not reflect the traditionally conservative occasion. However, even if the family encourages attendees not to wear black or dress in casual attire, it is always recommended to be somewhat conservative. Do not wear t-shirts, clothes with loud patterns or logos, or any other clothes that would not be appropriate for a funeral.

It is always appropriate with funeral dress etiquette, especially for women and children, to cover the shoulders and have a degree of conservativeness. Certain families will prefer long dresses that are ankle-length, and those who prefer long-sleeved dark clothing. Thus, to be able to dress suitably to a funeral, it is most preferable to evaluate what type of family they are, or to ask the grieving family about the type of clothing that they should wear. It is not unseemly to ask, especially since funerals are special occasions that call for suitable attire. If there is no time to ask, then choose attire that is respectful and conservative. It is not necessary to wear all black, but wearing some black or darker colors is a good idea.

People choose cremation for a variety of reasons, including to save money, to save land, and to save trees and other materials that are used in burial. Additionally, people choose cremation because it is an easier and more convenient solution and during their time of grief families want a simple solution.

So what is cremation? “Cremation is the use of high-temperature burning, vaporization, and oxidation to reduce dead animal or human bodies, to basic chemical compounds, such as gases and mineral fragments retaining the appearance of dry bone.” (source: Wikipedia) A deceased body can be cremated by reducing it to ashes and bone fragments with the use of evaporation and intense heat of approximately 1,400-2,000 degrees Fahrenheit.

The body is put in a casket or other container, without medical devices or pacemakers, since they may explode due to extreme high temperature. Other materials in the body will then be destroyed in the process or removed afterwards. The casket or the container is then put into a cremation chamber to be processed through intense heat and flame. It will take about 2 to 4 hours to totally consume the organic matter, and the remains will usually weigh about 3 to 9 pounds. Bone fragments are then pulverized to reach a gravel texture until it reaches a light grey and white color. After the remains are reduced into fine particles and ashes they will be let cool for several hours. The ashes will then be placed into a cremation container and given to the family of the deceased.

Nowadays, cremation costs around $1,200 complete with permits and death certificate. There are certain companies that will do a direct cremation for under $800. If the family would like a visitation and/or funeral service, then the cost will be $3,000 to $5,000. This cost can increase significantly if the family decides to bury the urn or place in it a columbarium. To save money, many families choose to scatter the ashes in a favorite location or keep the ashes at home in the urn.

So what is cremation? Cremation is a good alternative for a traditional form of burial. Cremation allows for a more convenient and less expensive handling of the remains. The family then has a number of options with what to do with the remains so that they can pay tribute to the life of their loved one.

Guide To Making Funeral Arrangements

1. First Call

When a loved one passes away, the first thing you need to do when making funeral arrangements is to have his or her body transported to a funeral home. Transferring the body to the funeral home is called a “first call”. Your loved one may be located where they passed away, or may have been transported to the city morgue. In certain cases a second or third transportation may be required to transport the body to a funeral home in another city or county. The funeral home will take care of the preparation after they get the body.

2. Funeral Services

Next, you will need to decide where the funeral will take place. It is recommended to make this decision prior to the “first call” so that the body is transferred to the correct funeral home. However, if you decide to use a different funeral home, transportation of the body to the new funeral home can be arranged. The funeral home you select will be based upon a number of factors, including the location, the funeral home’s appearance, the staff, the venue size, the price, and more. Don’t forget to consider your budget for the funeral service before you make a decision.

3. Funeral Products

After you have selected the funeral home, the next step for making funeral arrangements is to select the funeral products. The funeral products selected will be based on your budget and the type of funeral service you are having. Some families will have a simple funeral service, where others will have a visitation, procession to a cemetery, burial service, and more. The typical funeral products a family will select are a casket or urn, funeral flowers, funeral stationery, memorial keepsakes, video tribute, webcasting service, memorial website, and so on. If the body will be buried, a burial vault and gravestone will also be required.

4. Cemetery Arrangements

The next thing you need to take care of when making funeral arrangements is the cemetery services. This step is only required if you plan to bury the body, or place the urn in a columbarium. Making the cemetery arrangements is a very important step because this is your loved one’s final resting place. A burial plot may be one of the single largest expenses of a funeral. Burial plots range from $1,000 to over $20,000 depending on the cemetery and location. After you select the burial plot you will need to arrange transportation of the body and burial at the cemetery.

5. Estate Management

The last step after you are finished making funeral arrangements is to put the deceased person’s affairs in order. This involves sending notifications of death to people, including the person’s employer, organizations they were a member of, government agencies, utility companies, and so on. Next, you will want to file death benefit claims with insurance companies and other agencies. Finally, you will want to work with an attorney and the executor of the estate to divide the person’s assets as stated in their will. This will involve paying off outstanding debts and changing title of the deceased’s assets.

As you can see, there are a number of steps required for making funeral arrangements.  That is why it’s important to plan ahead of time, if possible. If you feel like a loved one’s death is imminent, you might want to begin making funeral arrangements as soon as possible. However, even if you are unable to plan in advance, a funeral director at your local funeral home should be able to assist you with all of the funeral arrangements.

Funeral expenses are not cheap. You have to buy a coffin, reserve space for the funeral service, purchase a lot at a memorial park, pay for the cost of the burial, and more. The cost of a traditional funeral today averages close to $10,000 and can be as much as $20,000. This is a major expense that should not be left unplanned. Planning your own funeral in advance will reduce the burden left on your family and save you money.

Benefits of Planning Your Own Funeral

1. Lessen the burden on your family

By planning your own funeral you can lessen the burden you leave on your loved ones after you pass away. You make life easier for the family you leave behind because you won’t have to give them responsibilities for your funeral after you die. This means that your family will not have to make the difficult decisions of arranging the funeral and selecting funeral products. Most importantly, you will leave your family with no financial burdens.

2. Ensures your wishes are known

Another benefit of planning your own funeral is to ensure that all of your final wishes are known. No matter how well your family knows you, or what wishes you have expressed to them, it is impossible for them to plan your funeral exactly how you would like. Pre-planning your funeral will ensure that the funeral is exactly the way you want your friends and family to honor your life.

3. Provides you peace of mind

With a good funeral plan you won’t have to worry about anything right before you die; because you know everything has already been taken care of. Planning ahead will provide you and your family peace of mind knowing that whenever you pass away the final expenses and funeral arrangements are taken care of.

4. Save Money

Planning your own funeral in advance can save you and your family money. Pre-planning will ensure that no matter how much funeral prices appreciate in the future you will be covered. There are also funeral payment plans available that allow you to set aside a small amount of money every month towards your funeral. This makes the funeral easier to afford instead of having to pay the entire bill at once.

Purchasing a funeral or memorial plan is a very simple process. You simply need to find an insurance provider, or funeral home, that offers this service and buy a plan from them. You will be asked to choose the items you want to use for your funeral, which includes the funeral location, funeral products, burial site, and so on. Planning your own funeral in advance is an excellent way to ensure that your needs are met, while reducing the burden on your family and saving money.

Funeral Payment Options

1. Cash or Check

The family members can opt to pay for the funeral using cash. There are two types of cash payments. One of the members of the family can simply write a check for payment to the funeral service provider. Or, they can pay using cash in hand. According to many people, cash payments for funeral service are typically only made for direct cremation or more simple and inexpensive funeral services.

2. Credit Card

Almost all funeral homes are now accepting credit cards as a form of funeral payment. The funeral home can charge the entire funeral service to one credit card or split it between multiple credit cards. Or, a combination of cash, insurance, and credit may be used.

3. Insurance Death Benefits

This is a common means of funeral payment for the funeral of a deceased. A family member has to undergo a process before he fully claims the insurance benefits. The beneficiary of the insurance policy must bring it to the funeral home and show it to the funeral director who then calls the insurance provider to confirm that the insurance policy is legitimate. Then the beneficiary will sign some forms giving the funeral director a portion of the accumulated benefits to spend on funeral services.

4. Funeral Trust Plans

Funeral trusts are widely used to set aside money for the funeral costs. You can establish a funeral trust by depositing money into an interest bearing trust account. The amount that you are required to deposit into the account each month is based on the number of years you will be contributing to the fund and the amount you require for the funeral payment. When you die, the trust funds will be disbursed to the funeral home, or other service provider that you have designated as the primary beneficiary in the trust agreement.

There can also be times when an individual dies without any means for funeral payment. There is often government assistance or other organizations available to assist with the funeral costs. It is recommended to speak to a funeral home and plan the funeral in advance whenever possible. This will allow you to set aside money each month and be prepared to cover the final expenses when the time comes.

Top Ways to Reduce Funeral Costs

1. Viewing

A viewing is the time that the family and friends come to see the deceased after they have been prepared by a funeral home. The viewing will typically take place at the funeral home, which can cost $500 or more to rent a room at the funeral home. To save money, some families will have the viewing at their home to save the cost of renting the space. However, there will still be cost involved with transporting the deceased person in the casket to and from the funeral home. Instead of a viewing with the body present, many families will have a visitation. The visitation can be held immediately before the funeral, which won’t cost as much as a separate viewing. Or, families will have the visitation, or a wake, at the home of a family member. This is the easiest way to reduce the funeral costs. If the immediate family would like to view the body, they can either have an open casket at the funeral, or arrange with the funeral home a time to come in and see the deceased person.

2. Funeral Service

Today, many families are choosing not to have a traditional funeral service. Instead, they will have a celebration of life ceremony held at a family member’s home or other location. This option is selected to save money, or because the family would prefer not to have a standard memorial service at a funeral home. The decision to have a funeral service is based on a number of factors, including the family’s beliefs and the person who passed away. However, if the cost is the issue, we recommend speaking to the funeral home about other ways to reduce the funeral costs. A funeral service is an important part of the grieving process because it allows friends and family to gather, share stories, and say their final goodbyes to the person.

3. Burial

Choosing cremation over burial is the best way to reduce funeral costs. The cost of the casket, burial plot, vault, headstone and other fees make a traditional burial very expensive. The burial plot is often the most expensive part of a funeral. Depending on where you live, a plot could cost anywhere from $1,000 to $10,000+. Furthermore, cemeteries will have ongoing maintenance fees that have to be paid on an ongoing basis to maintain the gravesite. A basic cremation can cost under one thousand dollars and the ashes can be place inside any urn or other vessel.

4. Casket

Even if you choose to have your loved one cremated, a casket is still required. The casket is one of the largest funeral expenses and is another easy way to reduce funeral costs. Caskets are typically made of wood or metal and the price can vary significantly. To save on the cost of the funeral, choose a casket that is less expensive. If you are burying the body, choose a cloth-covered casket. A cloth-covered casket is beautiful in appearance, but less expensive because it is made of plywood or pressboard and then covered with cloth. If you are having the body cremated, instead of purchasing an expensive wood casket, use a plain plywood box. Most funeral homes will have rental caskets that can be used for the funeral service. This allows you to have your loved one in a beautiful casket at the funeral, but have them cremated in an inexpensive box.

5. Obituary

Obituaries are announcements in the newspaper that notify people of a person’s death. A typical obituary space will cost you around $250, but can be more or less depending on the number of words you use. To save money, place the person’s obituary on an online memorial website. There are numerous websites that allow you to post the obituary for free. The obituary will remain online permanently and reach a larger audience than an obituary in a local newspaper.

6. Flowers

Most people do not consider reducing funeral costs through the funeral flowers, but flowers can cost hundreds or thousands of dollars. Instead or purchasing flowers for the funeral, there are a few other options. Some local florist will provide rental flowers. For a fee they will deliver flowers for the funeral and then pick them up afterwards; which, often costs less than purchasing the flowers. Another option is to use fake flowers because they cost less than real flowers. Lastly, the best way to have real flowers at the funeral for no cost is to ask friends and family to bring flowers from their home garden.

7. Funeral Home

As with any service it helps to shop around. Do not simply choose the closest funeral home to your house. The price that funeral homes charge can vary significantly. Typically a family owned funeral home will cost less than a corporate chain; however, that is not always the case. Even if the funeral home is a further distance from your home, if their costs are significantly less, choosing a different funeral home is an easy way to reduce funeral costs.

8. Funeral Products

Similar to how there is a benefit to shop around for a funeral home, you should also compare funeral product prices. Today, most funeral products that a funeral home sells are available for purchase online. Do your research and find the best possible prices for the funeral products you purchase. You may be able to use the prices you find elsewhere to negotiate a better price with the funeral home you are working with. It never hurts to ask if you can get a discount off their products and services.

These are just some of the ways that you can reduce funeral costs. The key is to be innovative and resourceful in coming up with your own ideas. There is an opportunity to save on every aspect of the funeral. Shop around, compare prices, and never be afraid to ask for a discount.

Average Cost of a Funeral

In the United States, the average cost of a funeral is roughly $6,560, according to a 2010 National Funeral Directors Association survey. The $6,560 price includes the typically chosen items for a conventional funeral, like a funeral ceremony, car service, casket, and so on.

The average cost of a funeral does not include cemetery costs. If you plan to bury your loved one, the cost of a burial plot can range from $1,000 to $10,000+. This does not include additional fees the cemetery may charge. Furthermore, a burial vault will be required and is not included in the cost of the burial plot. A burial vault typically costs $1,000 – $2,000. A grave marker will also be required, which can range from a few hundred dollars for a basic flat marker, to thousands of dollars for a granite headstone. Therefore, if you include the burial costs, the average cost of a funeral will be more than $10,000.

Factors that Impact the Average Cost of a Funeral

There are a number of factors that will impact the average cost of a funeral. The first factor is your location. A funeral will cost far less in a rural area, suburban cities, and in certain states. This is due to lower operating costs for the funeral home, which means lower prices to the family. Furthermore, the cost of land in these areas is far less, which means that a burial plot will be less expensive. If you live in a major metropolitan city, the cost of the funeral will be 25% to 50% higher (or more).

The second factor that impacts the average cost of a funeral is the quality of the products purchased. The $6,560 cost quoted above assumes that most of the products purchased are of average quality. Certain services will have standard prices, such as the cost of transferring the remains to the funeral home, preparation of the body, and the use of the funeral home. However, there are numerous options available when choosing the funeral products. One of the largest single expenses is the casket. A simple cloth-covered casket will start at under one thousand dollars with the price of a hardwood or metal casket averaging thousands of dollars. Additionally, the type of vehicles chosen for the procession, the type of funeral service, and the other products chosen will all impact the funeral cost.

The last factor that impacts the funeral cost is the number of funeral products purchased. The average cost of a funeral includes the most basic products necessary for a funeral service. However, most families will purchase products not included in the average cost. For examples, funeral flowers, a video tribute, webcasting, a memorial website, keepsakes, and thank you cards are only a few of the additional products and services available to families.

In summary, the average cost of a funeral covers items like the funeral director’s fees ($1,500), casket cost ($2,300), embalming ($500), using the funeral home for the funeral service ($500), grave site costs ($2,000), digging costs of the grave site ($600), outer burial container or grave liner ($1,000), and headstone cost ($1,500). Therefore, on average a traditional funeral with burial will cost around $10,000.

However, depending on the products and services selected, and their quality, the average cost of a funeral may be below $5,000 or cost upwards of $20,000. Cemeteries, funeral homes, and other service providers expect full payment for their services by the time of the funeral. Therefore, the best way to reduce the cost of a funeral is to pre-plan. This will guarantee the cost of the funeral and make it more affordable by setting aside a small sum of money each month, versus paying for the entire funeral at once. Another way to reduce the funeral cost is to choose cremation instead of a traditional burial, which will save costs on the casket and eliminate the need for a burial plot, vault, gravestone, and so on. Now that you know the average funeral cost, you can begin to plan the perfect funeral service for your loved one.

Government Assistance

Government financial assistance is the most common method for getting help with funeral costs. Financial assistance can significantly decrease your burden in managing and balancing the final expenses. The typical way to receive government assistance is through a pension. A pensioner ‘s partner, or his or her estate, can receive a lump sum bereavement payment (the terms and payment amount vary by country). Another way to receive assistance is through the department of veteran’s affairs. If the deceased person is a veteran the estate will receive a bereavement payment. To learn more, contact the department of veteran’s affairs.

Death Insurance Policies

Death insurance policies can serve as a good way to cover a significant chunk of the expenses that you need to spend for the funeral services. Ideally, your departed one would have signed up for the insurance policy so the bereaved ones can gain financial benefits from the policy. If you are unsure, it is advised that you contact his or her insurance company for more information. They can provide you with the proper documentation and help you through the process.

Revocable Agreement

The revocable agreement is a type of pact that you made with an institution long before the funeral came into picture. This agreement is usually done with insurance companies. This type of agreement can help with funeral costs by acquiring a predetermined amount of money for the funeral. You withdrawal the principal amount that you have deposited in the past plus the interest that the principal amount has acquired over time.

Guaranteed Funeral

A guaranteed funeral must be planned in advance and it allows you to prevent future price increases for the products or services that the funeral home will provide. In other words, you can consider the price for the entire funeral package as final. This helps to ensure that you know what the funeral will cost and can help to save you money. However, this does not help with funeral costs if it was not already pre-arranged.

Local Funeral Societies

Local funeral societies and volunteer agencies can help cover the cost of the funeral for those who have problems in keeping up with the expenses. They can help with funeral costs of the bereaved ones by donating a portion of the funeral expenses. They can also assist in setting up fund-raising methods to cover the funeral expenses. They can help the bereaved ones make the burden even lighter by referring them to institutions that can give them further financial aid for the funeral.

Charities

Charitable organizations may be able to assist with the funeral costs or provide you with information on where you can receive assistance. For example, if your loved one passed away due to cancer, it would be advisable to contact the American Cancer Society to discuss the funeral expenses.

Financial Institutions

Banks may be willing to lend money to the family to help pay for the funeral costs. However, the loan will be no different than any other bank loan and the terms and interest rate will need to be negotiated with the bank.

These above are some of the ways that you can get help with funeral costs. If you think these methods will not suffice, you may also try asking help from other people you know. There are donation tools online that can be used to setup a memorial fund in honor of your loved one. Friends and family can make donations to assist with the final expenses.

Wood Caskets

Purchasing a wood casket is like purchasing furniture, since wood caskets are made similar to how furniture is made. It is important to look at the quality of the wood used, how it was stained and polished, and the overall craftsmanship used to assemble the casket. The quality of the wood will vary with the price; however, no matter what you pay you want to ensure that you are purchasing a well-made product. The following are the most common woods used for a funeral casket.

Hardwood

Mahogany, Walnut, and Cherry are the most expensive and elegant wooden caskets. The wood can be highly polished and produces a beautiful finish. Maple, Pecan, Oak and Poplar are also popular choices for wood caskets. Maple is popular because of its strength. Oak is popular because of its intricate grain pattern. All of these hardwoods can be hand-carved and shaped into beautiful designs.

Softwood

Pine, Poplar, Spruce and Cedar are options for softwood caskets. Softwood is a popular choice because of its lower-cost; however, the cost may vary depending on whether or not the casket is made from locally sourced wood. Softwood is a more environmentally friendly choice when compared to hardwood caskets because it is more of a renewable resource.

Veneer

Wood laminate caskets provide the beauty of a hardwood casket without the expensive cost. Veneer caskets are becoming more popular as families look at ways to reduce funeral expenses. However, veneer can be difficult to work with and it is important to check the quality of the casket to make sure the veneer is not peeling off.

Cloth Covered

Cloth covered caskets are the least expensive wood casket because they are made of inexpensive plywood, pressboard or recycled wood material and then covered with cloth. The family will have more options for customization because they can choose the exterior and interior cloth styles.

Eco-Friendly

Eco-friendly wood caskets are becoming increasingly popular. Eco-friendly caskets are typically made of bamboo, wicker or recycled materials. Bamboo is a popular wood choice because of its strength, beauty, and it is a highly renewable resource.

Metal Caskets

Metal caskets offer superior strength when compared to wood caskets. Metal caskets may be constructed from naturally non-rusting bronze or copper, rust-resistant stainless steel, or cathodically protected steel. They are also available in a variety of thicknesses, with 16, 18, and 20 gauge the most popular options. 16 gauge is the thickest type of metal casket available and is therefore one of the more expensive types of funeral casket available.

Bronze

Bronze caskets are selected because of their strength, durability and their natural non-rusting qualities. Bronze caskets are available in a wide variety of colors and styles.

Copper

Copper caskets are selected because of their durability and their natural non-rusting qualities. Bronze caskets are strong, but not quite as durable as bronze caskets. They are also available in a wide variety of colors and styles.

Stainless Steel

Stainless steel, an alloy of carbon steel and chromium, provides strength at an economical price. The caskets are treated so that they are resistant to corrosion. Stainless Steel caskets come in both painted and brushed finishes.

Whether you choose a metal or wood casket, you will have numerous styles to choose from. All caskets come in slightly different shapes and designs. Some of the custom options are graphics or engravings, different handles, and more. One of the most common ways to customize a casket is through the interior. You can choose different types of fabric and colors to personalize the look of the funeral casket.

The above are the most common types of metal and wood caskets. This will provide you with the basic information required to begin the process of choosing a funeral casket for your loved one. Read the other articles below to learn more about metal and wood caskets. Your local funeral home will also be able to further educate you about what casket options are available.

Casket

The terms “casket” and “coffin” are now often used interchangeably to mean any type of box that a deceased person’s body is buried in. However, there are differences between a casket vs coffin. If you were to ask a funeral home for a coffin, you might be given a casket. Inquire about a casket and a coffin might be provided. These words, although not entirely synonymous, have taken over each other’s meanings and there is often misunderstanding or confusion over their true meaning.

There are several things that distinguish a casket from a coffin. The most obvious casket vs coffin distinction is the shape. Coffins have either six or eight sides, either hexagonal or octagonal. Remember those old horror movies filled with vampires and other creatures of the night? Those are coffins depicted in those movies. Coffins are shaped that way to conform to the shape of the human body: narrow around the head, broad on the shoulders area and much narrower down to the feet. Meanwhile, caskets are rectangular and are what most people picture when they think of a casket or coffin.

Coffin

Another casket vs coffin distinction is the design. Coffins are very simple in design, they are made of wood, and often do not have handles or interiors. Even way back in time when people were only beginning to adapt the practice of burying the dead in vessels, a cross right above deceased’s head is the only adornment a coffin would have. Whereas coffins are very simple in design, caskets are full of aesthetic accessories. Caskets are typically made of softwood or hardwood, or 16, 18, or 20 gauge metal. They are beautifully designed and have engravings, imagery, gold or silver details, handles, and much more. Furthermore, caskets also have beautiful interiors often made of silk, velvet, or other high-quality fabrics.

Now, considering these casket vs coffin distinctions, then why are the two words typically used interchangeably? The term “casket” was initially used as a euphemism for “coffin” when funeral parlors started replacing mortuaries. “Coffin” somehow seemed offensive with the sense of finality and death that comes with it, while the original meaning of “casket” was a box for keeping precious belongings like jewelry. Using “casket” to mean “coffin” somehow diminished the negative connotation that comes with the burial container.

Nowadays, in North America the word casket is used so often, most people picture a casket when they hear the word coffin. However, in many other parts of the world simple wood coffin is the primary method of burial. It is possible to find coffins in North America; however, they are uncommon. The majority of funeral homes will only carry caskets that are rectangular in shape. Now that you know the differences between a casket vs coffin, you will be able to choose the perfect casket or coffin to bury your loved one.

It is important to wear proper attire that is fit for the occasion. While there are events when colorful clothing is allowed, it is more appropriate to wear the more traditional colors of plain black, white, or darker colors. Conservative dresses and black suits are typically called for during these occasions. It is a way of showing respects to both the deceased and the family. The family may notify guests of the funeral wake etiquette; however, even if casual dress is acceptable, it is recommended to wear conservative clothes and colors.

When you arrive at the wake look to see if there is a registry book. After signing the guestbook it is customary to approach the casket and have a last view of the departed one. Usually the family is seated near the casket, and it is a good opportunity to express sympathy to them in words that declare condolences. Express to them the good, positive things that you remember concerning the deceased.  Offer them a word of comfort, one that would support them as they struggle with the loss of a dearly loved one. As you honor and recognize the deceased, remember that you and the bereaved family have shared the blessing of having known the departed.  It is proper funeral wake etiquette to express this in words that would bring comfort and peace to the bereaved without saying too much. There will be a lot of people that want to speak to the family and you can express your sympathy in more depth at a later date.

The funeral wake may also include other activities, which will vary based on the family’s religion and beliefs. Often food is served at the wake and the family may request that guests bring a dish. However, typically the closest family members will organize the food. Alcohol may also be served at some wakes and the wake may last late into the night. Wakes are often used to celebrate the life of the deceased and some families may share funny stories and sing songs. If alcohol is served it is important to remember proper funeral wake etiquette and remain respectful to the family at all times.

A funeral service is often held the day after the wake. The funeral service will typically take place at a funeral home. When you arrive at the funeral sit behind the front rows and leave room for the bereaved family. During the ceremony, listen and remember the life that has gone by, which is being commemorated and remembered. There are families who prefer to start the ceremonies with readings, poems, or songs. All of these should help people reflect on how to remember the departed one.

The most important piece of funeral wake etiquette to remember is to always show respect to the family. Pay your respects to the deceased and his or her family at the wake. Express your condolences and show them how much you care.

Today, traditional burials are perhaps the most commonly practiced burial method around the world. In this process, bodies are first embalmed using a solution that is made up of formaldehyde, ethanol, and water. The purpose of embalming is primarily to delay the process of decomposition long enough so that the living who are left behind are given a chance to pay their respects and say their goodbyes to the dearly departed. After the ceremonies are held, the body is then buried and left in peace.

What people do not realize is that a traditional burial actually has effects on the environment that can be detrimental. The most troublesome aspect of this method is the use of formaldehyde for embalming. Formaldehyde can easily contaminate soil or water as it breaks down. Furthermore, it is suspected to be a carcinogen, which could potentially cause cancer for anyone who comes in contact with it. In a green burial the body is buried naturally without the use of any embalming chemicals.

Another environmental issue is the use of non-biodegradable caskets, which not only use up a significant amount of the earth’s resources, but also take up substantial areas of land. A green burial uses a casket made of biodegradable renewable material, or recyclable material. The casket could be made of bamboo, wicker, cardboard, or instead of a casket a burial shroud may be used. In a green funeral the casket is simpler in design because the goal is to use less materials.

Another negative of a traditional burial is the use of a vault. The casket is placed within a burial vault in the cemetery to prevent the ground above from caving in. The problem is that the vault disturbs the local environment and uses natural resources in its manufacturing. A green burial does not require the use of a vault because the body is buried directly in the ground. However, to bury a body without a vault, it must take place at a natural burial ground that is setup for this type of burial.

In the wake of these issues, the concept of a natural or green burial is becoming more popular. The idea is to allow the body to recycle naturally and to promote sustainability and ecological restoration. Along with the numerous environmental benefits, green burials are also less expensive, which makes them a popular choice no matter how much of an environmentalist you are.

If you are considering a green burial for a loved one, read our other articles below to learn more about natural burials and green funerals.

There are three steps that the deceased person has to go through during the cremation process. The first step is the preparation of the body, the second is the actual cremation and the final step is the processing of ashes.

1) Preparation of the Body

During the first step of the cremation process the funeral director will ask for an authorization document from the immediate family of the deceased person. Both the funeral home and a representative of the family sign this document. After the document is received, the funeral director removes items that may result in explosion or items that the family wants to keep such as jewelry. It is not essential to embalm the body before the cremation process, but if the body will be available for viewing during the memorial service, it must undergo embalming. After the body has been prepared it is placed in a wood casket. An identification tag is placed on the casket and body for proper identification of the cremated ashes.

2) Cremation

For the actual cremation process, the casket with the body of the deceased person is placed in a cremation chamber, which is also called a retort. The chamber is equipped with walls and a ceiling that are resistant to fire while the floor is crafted with a masonry compound that can survive high temperatures. After placing the body inside, the door is closed either by hand or an automated switch. The operator starts the machine, fuelled with either natural gas or propane, and allows it to warm up to a temperature ranging from 1800 to 2100 degrees Fahrenheit. The cremation process normally lasts for 1 ½ to two hours.

3) Processing the Ashes

After the cremation process, the bone fragments of the burned body of the deceased are allowed to cool down for at least 30 minutes. These fragments are then removed from the chamber and are put in a table wherein debris including screws and titanium joints are eradicated by using either the hand or a magnet. Then the bone fragments are situated in a cylindrical container that grinds the fragments into fine powder. The fine powder, also known as the ashes are deposited in a plastic bag.

The funeral home will take the plastic bag with the ashes and place them inside a cremation urn and give that to the family. What many families do not realize is that they can request the ashes in the plastic bag and purchase an urn at a later date. This gives the family more time to decide what urn they would like to purchase for the deceased person.

A wake is traditionally done a few days, or just a few hours, after the death of a person. The body is laid to rest in a casket and then the casket is placed at a chapel or a funeral home. Often the wake is held at the home of the departed without the casket present. Wakes are a gathering where people share stories and fond memories about the person who has died. It is usually held in a room where some seats are laid out for the guests, and stands of flowers that have been bought as a sign of condolence are placed all over the room and near the casket. A wake can last for days or whatever duration the family of the party desires. A wake that is longer than a day will typically take place at a family member’s house instead of a funeral home.

When comparing a wake vs funeral, the funeral is a more controlled and often more reserved ceremony. The burial of the body may be part of the funeral ceremony, which includes a service and sometimes a procession to the burial place. During the funeral family members and friends deliver eulogies to the deceased. Speeches can include poems, hymns and quotes to commemorate the dearly departed, making the funeral service very emotional. Speeches can be given during a wake, but it is typically done in a less formal manner. Normally, there is also a dress code for a funeral service and a wake usually does not require guest to wear formal attire. Although the customs of a wake and funeral varies between cultures or countries, mourners often wear black to a funeral service.

At a wake family members often bring food for people to eat. Friends and family share stories, sing songs, tell jokes and do whatever they can to celebrate the life of the deceased and not focus on the sadness of their passing. Different cultures have different beliefs about the wake. Some cultures believe that they should remain up all night with the deceased prior to the funeral the next day.

A wake and a funeral may sometimes be combined, with an officiant conducting the service in the morning after the wake. However, nowadays many people choose either one of these ceremonies for various reasons. Some say that a wake is easier to organize and to manage. Especially if the person has been cremated, instead of having a formal funeral the family will choose to have a wake (or informal gathering) instead of a funeral service. Choosing a wake vs funeral is done because it helps the family to save money if they choose not to have a funeral or burial service.

Many families prefer to have a funeral service because it is a more solemn occasion and is thus a better and more respectful way to honor the dead. A traditional funeral that includes prayers, hymns, eulogies and other methods to pay respect are very important to many people. For these reasons, this is why many people can’t decide between a wake vs funeral and choose to have both ceremonies. There is no right or wrong decision; it depends on the family on how they want to give their final farewell to their loved one.

The common attendees at a committal service are the immediate family members and closest friends and relatives. At a committal rite, the life of the beloved who passed away is given light. By means of stories, poetry, and songs, a person’s years are commemorated. Some people prefer to incorporate the sharing of thoughts during a church or funeral service with all family and friends around. However, many families also want to have a private event with immediate family and a funeral service and committal service are both performed.

What Happens At A Committal Service?

Just like all rituals for honoring the dead are different, what takes place at a committal is also dependent on the family’s cultural affiliations. What the group practices are what and how the ceremony should proceed. Typically, the brief rite involves opening sentences, prayers, and benediction acts. With a reference to religious customs, the most important individuals to the deceased are given enough time to present something for everybody else to remember. It may be in the form of a spoken testimonial or an announcement of a legacy. Either way, the life of the dead is commemorated without the distraction of the larger crowd at a funeral service.

If you’re planning a committal service, you must remember to keep it brief. Although it depends on you and your family’s preference on how you wish to bid your goodbyes, everybody expects that the committal service will be short. This is because most people also have a funeral service, which is much longer and gives friends and family the opportunity to eulogize the deceased. The point of an internment is for the closest family to gather and have a private service to pay their final respects to loved one.

At the committal service members of the immediate family and sometimes the closest friends of the deceased gather as the closed casket is lowered into the ground. Often a family member will shovel the first dirt onto the casket. Family members and close friends may throw flowers into the grave as it is lowered into the ground.

In cremation, the body of the deceased is placed in a heated chamber of up to 2,100 degree Fahrenheit until only the bones remain. There are, however, two types of cremation to consider when planning a funeral. In the classic cremation, the body is embalmed and present at the visitation and funeral service. The family may chose to have the casket closed or open for viewing. Like the traditional funeral, the body will be positioned in a casket made of combustible materials appropriate for burning. After the funeral service has been held, the body—together with the casket—will be brought to the crematory for cremation. Because there are funeral services included, the classic cremation is more expensive when compared to direct cremation.

In the process of direct cremation, the deceased will be transported to the funeral home, where the remains may or may not be cleaned and sanitized. The body will not be embalmed and will not receive hair care or makeup application.  The body is then cremated, and the ashes are placed in a cremation urn. The body only stays at the funeral home until such time that a cremation permit and death certificate are given. Meanwhile, there are no funeral or visitation ceremonies included with the body present. However, a memorial service may take place before or at the end of the cremation service, with or without the remains.

Direct cremation is a popular alternative because it is less expensive than a traditional funeral and burial. When compared to a burial, cremation saves the cost of a burial plot and vault. It also reduces the other expenses associated with the burial, such as flowers, transportation, and so on. A direct cremation also has a few financial benefits over a standard cremation. A direct cremation only requires an inexpensive wood box for the cremation. With a standard cremation, the family is required to purchase a casket and pay to have the body embalmed, which can be expensive.

Direct cremation has also increased in popularity due to the environmental benefits. By not embalming the body, less harmful chemicals are released into the atmosphere. Furthermore, because a direct cremation uses less funeral products it is considered “greener” and has less of a negative impact on the environment.

If the cost of the funeral is important to you, direct cremation should be considered when planning a funeral.

Poems are used to express the emotions of the people left behind, or the messages they have to the deceased. Whatever the purpose of funeral poems, one thing is for sure: they are expressions of love. If you are speaking at a funeral for the first time you may need help choosing a poem for a funeral. Writing, or selecting, a funeral poem is a very personal task and it varies from one person to another. The following information will help you select the perfect funeral poem.

How to Choose a Poem for a Funeral Service

The most important factor to consider when choosing a poem for a funeral service is to decide on the purpose of the poem. By knowing what point you want to express, and the reaction you want to elicit, this will help you decide what poem to select to read at the funeral service. The following are some of the most common reasons poems are read during a eulogy.

1) Share memories

A funeral poem is a unique way to share your memories and describe your relationship with the deceased. Was the person who passed away a friend, girlfriend or boyfriend, spouse, parent, sibling, child, grandparent, teacher, boss, coworker, or someone else? No matter what your relationship, a poem can be used to describe the moments you shared together. For example, if you would like to read a poem about your mother, you can select a poem written about a mother who lived her life dedicated to raising her children. Or, you may be reading a poem at the funeral of a teacher. In this instance you may select a poem about a leader in the community who influenced and positively impacted the lives of everyone he or she knew. Remember that it is not necessary to read personal stories at the funeral; a poem can be used to share your memories and describe how the person influenced your life.

2) Honor the deceased

Another reason to choose a poem for a funeral is to honor the deceased and highlight their greatest qualities. Think about what things remind you the most about the deceased person. It may be personality traits, physical features, or their interests. For example, if the person had an outgoing personality and was always smiling you could select a poem about a cheerful person. Or, the poem may not be about a person at all, but may be about happiness and laughter; which, can be related to the person. Another way to honor the deceased would be to use the poem to share his or her interests with the people at the funeral. For example, the deceased person may have loved the outdoors and a poem about nature may be a good choice to read at his or her funeral.

3) Express emotions

Finally, one of the most common reasons for reading a poem at a funeral is to express the emotions that the person reading the poem is feeling. When faced with the loss of a loved one it can be very difficult to put in to words how much the deceased person was loved. It is also difficult to express the sadness and pain felt over the loss. Reading a funeral poem can help to express your emotions without having to think of the words yourself. There are numerous poems that have been written about love and loss that would be a good choice for reading at a funeral.

The three points above are a few of the main reasons why you would read a poem at a loved one’s funeral. Understanding what point you want to express to the audience at the funeral will help you choose the perfect poem for a funeral service. Now that you know the types of funeral poems available, we recommend that you read our other articles on selecting funeral poems that are listed below. You will find dozens of poems that are appropriate for reading at a funeral service.

Simply put, a memorial monument is any type of marker in a cemetery to mark the location of a grave. Monuments can be erected in other locations, such as a park, to pay tribute to a person or group of people. However, these types of monuments are typically built in remembrance of a noteworthy person. This article will focus on purchasing a memorial monument for a cemetery.

Since there are many ways people want to express their love for the dead, the simple cemetery monument has evolved over the years.  People want the best monument for his or her loved one and today, there are a wide variety of types, sizes and designs to choose from.

How to Buy a Memorial Monument

Type of Material

There are numerous types of material that can be used to create a memorial monument; however, the following are the most durable and commonly available.

Granite

Granite is the most popular material for a memorial monument. Granite is beautiful and extremely durable, making it a perfect choice for a monument. Granite is difficult to carve by hand, but modern machinery can inscribe almost any type of text or imagery on the stone.

Marble

Marble is easier to carve than granite and because of that it used to be more common. However, marble is more porous and will deteriorate faster than granite. It is also more expensive than granite, which is why it is far less common to see a new marble memorial monument in a cemetery today.

Bronze

Bronze is a common type of monument because of its longevity and lower cost compared to stone monuments. A bronze plaque is typically attached to a headstone or flat marker. Bronze can be cast in different shapes and engraved with text and images.

Eco-Friendly

Wood crosses are used as roadside monuments and at green funerals. They are low-cost, but will only last 50 to 100 years. Planting a tree or other plant in remembrance of a loved one is becoming common. Especially if the tree is planted where the casket or ashes are buried.

Style of Monument

There are numerous styles of monuments available and most companies can create a custom monument in any shape; however, the following are the most common styles.

Upright

An upright monument is one of the most popular monuments and comes in a variety of shapes and sizes. Upright monuments are also referred to as headstones and tombstones. A typical upright headstone is rectangular, but can also be shaped like an angel, heart, or other design.

Flat

Flat monuments are becoming increasingly popular because of their lower cost due to less material required. Many cemeteries prefer flat markers because they do not detract from the natural landscape and their lawnmowers can easily drive over them. Flat markers are almost always a rectangular shaped, but custom designs are available.

Slant/Bevel

A slant monument is a cross between a flat and upright monument. The slant, or bevel, monument is raised slightly off the ground and slanted forward making it higher in the back and shorter in the front.

Companion

A companion monument can be upright, flat, or slant. It will be longer in length and have room to commemorate the life of two people, typically a husband and wife. Sometimes two individual monuments are combined to make a companion monument.

Before buying a memorial monument, you should first check if there are any restrictions in your chosen cemetery. Some cemeteries do not allow certain types of monuments. There may be restrictions on the monument material, shape, size or design. You should also discuss installation with the cemetery to see if they provide installation assistance, or if the monument company will have to install the monument for you. If you are purchasing the monument from a local company they should be familiar with the regulations and can help you choose the perfect monument for your loved one’s grave.

There are two choices when it comes to selecting a gravestone for a loved one’s grave. First, it could be left bare, or inscribed simply with their name and date of birth/date of death. Second, it could be personalized with imagery and gravestone sayings. Often people prefer to add a personal message to the gravestone as a permanent tribute to their loved one.

Gravestone Sayings for a Man

May he rest in peace.
He was beloved in life.
A loving father, tender and kind, what a beautiful memory you left behind.
His joy was in serving others.
His friendship was an inspiration, his love a blessing.
His mission on earth fulfilled.
We loved him a lot but God loved him more.
No man is indispensable but some are irreplaceable.
He had a kindly word for each and died beloved by all.
To know him was to love him.
He lives with us in memory and will for evermore.
God took him home, it was his will, but in our hearts he liveth still.
Resting with those he loved.
The world’s loss was heaven’s gain when God took you home.
A loving husband and father.

Gravestone Sayings for a Woman

May she rest in peace for eternity.
Resting with those she loved.
She served and kept the faith.
A mother’s love grows by giving.
Her friendship was an inspiration, her love a blessing.
She loved people and laughter.
She had a kindly word for each and she died beloved by all.
She would rather give than receive.
God called her from among us to a home of eternal rest.
She will always be with us…in our hearts, in our memories, in our lives.
To know her was to love her.
Her memory is enshrined in our hearts.
The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness.
She lives with us in memory and will for evermore.
She gave so much and demanded so little.

Gravestone Sayings for a Child

May he (or she) rest in peace for eternity.
Remembering a tiny angel.
No jewel is as perfect as the innocence of childhood.
So small, so sweet, so soon.
God’s garden has need of little flowers.
Our littlest angel who went back to Heaven.
Called by one who loves him dearly.
Let thy child rest in hope and rise in glory.
Even the tiniest child leaves behind love that lasts forever.
Those that God loves do not live long.
Sleep, my little one, sleep. (Harrington)
Children are the keys of paradise. (R.H. Stoddard)
The child is the father of the man. (Wordsworth)
Children are an heritage of the Lord. (Psalms 127: 3)
Awaiting the touch of a little hand, and the smile of a little face. (E. Field)

Gravestone sayings could be written by the deceased person while he or she was still alive, but typically they are written by someone close to him or her, or a famous author. Whichever you choose, the purpose of the saying is to reflect on the life of the person, or express your feelings over their loss.

Select one of the gravestone sayings listed above for your loved one’s monument. If you are having a hard time picking, or cannot find a saying that you like, look at the other articles with more examples listed below.

For most people the thought of writing a funeral poem seems like a difficult or impossible task. However, a poem makes a nice addition to a funeral eulogy or can be part of a memorial. Luckily, there are numerous writers who have written poems that are appropriate for a funeral. The following are the most famous funeral poems that are traditionally read at a funeral service.

Famous Funeral Poems

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightening they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night – By Dylan Thomas

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.
Do not stand at my grave and weep – By Mary Frye

When I am gone, release me – let me go
I have so many things to see and do.
You must not tie yourself to me with tears
Be happy that we had so many years. I gave you love,
you can only guess, how much you gave me in happiness.
I thank you for the love each have shown,
but now it is time I travelled alone.
So grieve awhile for me if grieve you must,
then let your grief be comforted by trust
It is only for a while that we must part
so bless those memories within your heart.
I will not be far away, for life goes on.
so if you need me, call and I will come.
Though you cannot see or touch me, I will be near
And if you listen with your heart, you will hear
All of my love around you, soft and clear.
Then when you must come this way alone,
I will greet you with a smile and “Welcome Home”
When I Am Gone – By Unknown Poet

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And
sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, lon I stood And looked
down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair. And
having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear.
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay. In leave
so step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet
knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh.
Somewhere ages and ages hence;
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took
the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
The Road Not Taken – By Robert Frost

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He (She) is Dead
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policeman wear black cotton gloves.

He (She) was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week, my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song:
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out everyone;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
Funeral Blues – By W.A. Auden

Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more, day by day,
You tell me of our future that you planned:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that I once had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.
Remember – Christina Rossetti

When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me,
I want no rites in a gloom filled room
Why cry for a soul set free!
Miss me a little, but not for long,
And not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love we once shared,
Miss me, but let me go!
For this a journey we all must take,
And each must go alone;
It’s all a part of the master’s plan
A step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick of heart
Go to the friends we know,
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds,
Miss me, but let me go.
Miss Me, But Let Me Go – By Robyn Rancman

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene , he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life, that there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him, and he questioned the Lord about it. ” Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you’d walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don’t understand why, when I needed you most you would leave me”.

The Lord replied ” My Son, My precious child. I Love You, and would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you”.
Footprints – By Author Unknown

The famous funeral poems listed above are the most commonly read poems during a memorial service. You can also use all, or part, of the poem on a plaque or monument. It is important to cherish the fond memories we share with our friends and family. It will always be difficult to say goodbye to a loved one who has passed away, but using a funeral poem can help to express our feelings over their passing.

A friend is someone who we can rely on in good and bad times. A friend is someone who we can share everything with without any hesitation. Having a friend by our side is the best feeling in the world because we know that we are never alone. You will surely miss a friend who has passed on, but you can always share to everyone the things you both did by writing funeral poems for a friend. If you are having difficulty writing a poem yourself, do not worry because you can us one of the poems below.

Funeral Poems For A Friend

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightening they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night – By Dylan Thomas

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.
Do not stand at my grave and weep – By Mary Frye

When I am gone, release me – let me go
I have so many things to see and do.
You must not tie yourself to me with tears
Be happy that we had so many years. I gave you love,
you can only guess, how much you gave me in happiness.
I thank you for the love each have shown,
but now it is time I travelled alone.
So grieve awhile for me if grieve you must,
then let your grief be comforted by trust
It is only for a while that we must part
so bless those memories within your heart.
I will not be far away, for life goes on.
so if you need me, call and I will come.
Though you cannot see or touch me, I will be near
And if you listen with your heart, you will hear
All of my love around you, soft and clear.
Then when you must come this way alone,
I will greet you with a smile and “Welcome Home”
When I Am Gone – By Unknown Poet

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And
sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, lon I stood And looked
down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair. And
having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear.
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay. In leave
so step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet
knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh.
Somewhere ages and ages hence;
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took
the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
The Road Not Taken – By Robert Lee Frost

If tears could build a stairway
and thoughts a memory lane
I’d walk right up to heaven
and bring you home again
No Farewell words were spoken
No time to say good-bye
You were gone before I knew it
And only God knows why.
My heart’s still active in sadness
And secret tears still flow
What it meant to lose you
No one can ever know.
But now I know you want us
To mourn for you no more
To remember all the happy times
Life still has much in store.
Since you’ll never be forgotten
I pledge to you today
A hallowed place within my heart
Is where you’ll always stay.
God knows why, with chilling touch,
Death gathers those we love so much,
And what now seems so strange and dim,
Will all be clear, when we meet Him.
I Knew you for a Moment
If Tears Could Build A Stairway – By Poet Unknown

When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me
I want to rites in a gloom-filled room
Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little-but not too long
And not with your head bowed low
Remember the love that we once shared
Miss me-but let me go
For this is a journey that we all must take
And each must go alone.
It’s all part of the Master’s plan
A step on the road to home
When you are lonely and sick of heart
Go to the friends we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds
Miss me but let me go.
Miss Me But Let Me Go – By Anonymous

Though we never know
Where life will take us,
I know it’s just a ride
On the wheel.
And we never know
When death will shake us
And we wonder how
It will feel.
So Goodbye my friend.
I know I’ll never see you again.
But the time together
Through all the years,
Will take away these tears.
It’s OK now – Goodbye my friend.
I see a lot of things
That make me crazy,
And I guess I held on to you,
You could have run away
And left – well maybe,
But it wasn’t time
And we both knew.
So Goodbye My friend.
I know I’ll never see you again.
But the love you gave me
Through all the years
Will take away these tears.
I’m OK now – Goodbye my friend.
Goodbye, My Friend – By Anonymous

Knowing that a friend has left you is sad. Even though the journey of you and your friend has ended, all the memories will not fade away as long as you remember the bond that you both shared. When you write, or select, funeral poems for a friend, you will remember the friendship you and your friend shared whenever you read it.

Funeral poems for father can be used as part of a funeral speech or can be printed on the memorial folders handed out at the funeral. All, or part, of a poem may also be used on a plaque or monument created in tribute to the person. Whether the poem is written by a family member, or a famous author, it is a nice way to create a lasting memorial. Whenever the poem is read in the future it will remind the person reading the poem of their friend or relative who passed away.

The following are a collection of the most popular funeral poems for father. We hope that one of the poems below will remind you of your father and will be used as part of his funeral service.

Funeral Poems For Father

You never said “I’m leaving”
You never said “goodbye”
You were gone before I knew it,
And only God knew why.

There are no words to tell you
Just what I feel inside
The shock, the hurt, the anger
Might gradually subside

Dad’s Poem – By Poet Unknown

God took the strength of a mountain,
The majesty of a tree,
The warmth of a summer sun,
The calm of a quiet sea,
The generous soul of nature,
The comforting arm of night,
The wisdom of the ages,
The power of the eagle’s flight,
The joy of a morning in spring,
The faith of a mustard seed,
The patience of eternity,
The depth of a family need,
Then God combined these qualities,
When there was nothing more to add,
He knew His masterpiece was complete,
And so, He called it … “DAD!”

What Makes A Dad – By Unknown Poet

Not how did he die, but how did he live?
Not what did he gain, but what did he give?

These are the units to measure the worth
Of a man as a man, regardless of birth.

Not, what was his church, nor what was his creed?
But had he befriended those really in need?

Was he ever ready, with word of good cheer,
To bring back a smile, to banish a tear?

Not what did the sketch in the newspaper say,
But how many were sorry when he passed away.

Not How Did He Die, But How Did He Live? – By Author Unknown

There was no time to say goodbye
But this I ask – please do not cry
Remember me as you think best
The happy time – forget the rest.

Look for me and I’ll be there
And you will find me everywhere
In the gentle touch of breeze
That cools the skin or swirls the leaves.

In the scent and color of flowers
That gave to me such happy hours
On sunny days under sunny skies of blue
Just think of me, I’ll be with you.

In winter when there’s cloud or mist
The rain will give to you my kiss
As wood smoke lingers in the air
Look for me and I’ll be there.

Where seagulls cry above the sea
And surf rolls in so endlessly
Among towering trees that soar above
In all these things that i once loved
Look for me and I’ll be there
You’ll feel my presence everywhere.

I’ll Be There – By Author Unknown

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightening they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night – By Dylan Thomas

As I look up to the skies above,
The stars stretch endlessly–
But somehow all those rays of light
Seem dimmer now to me.
As I watch the morning sun appear,
The shadows still don’t fade—
As if the brightest light of all
Was somehow swept away.

Though I see the branches swaying,
And watch their dancing leaves–
The echoes carried on the wind
Don’t sound the same to me.
As I listen to the morning birds
Sing softly from afar–
It seems to be a mournful tune
That echoes in my heart.

Another day has come again,
As time moves surely on–
But nothing now seems quite the same,
To know that he is gone.
The days and weeks and months ahead
Will never be the same–
Because a treasure beyond words
Can never be replaced.

The loss cannot be measured now,
The void cannot be filled–
And though someday the grief may fade,
His mark will live on still.
For even with my heavy heart,
I know that I’ve been blessed
To have been one who’s life he touched
With warmth so infinite.

As I Look Up to the Skies Above – By Author Unknown

You can shed tears that he is gone,
Or you can smile because he lived,
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared,
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him and only that he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on,
You can cry and close your mind be empty and
turn your back,
Or you can do what he would want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

He Is Gone – By David Harkins

Select one of the funeral poems for father above to create a memorable memorial for your father. Read the poem at the funeral service or print it on a memorial. Whenever you read the poem in the future it will remind you of how important your father was to you.

Below are answers to the most commonly asked memorial service etiquette questions. This will provide you with the basic information required to attend a funeral and act appropriately. However, even knowing the information below, the etiquette required will often be related to the type of funeral service and the family who organized it. It is important to consider the family and how they would like guests to act. Is the family traditional and conservative, or are they laid-back and carefree? Make sure to consider the memorial service etiquette listed below and the family’s beliefs before attending the funeral.

Memorial Service Etiquette

What To Wear

Traditionally, most people would wear black to the funeral service. This is because the color black symbolizes grief and sympathy. But today, the color of the clothes that an individual wants to wear no longer matters as much as it did in the past. At most modern funerals, guests are allowed to wear any color they want as long as it does not disrespect the deceased person’s family. Everyone attending the funeral should wear something conservative that does not attract attention. Typically, men wear a suit or khakis and a dress shirt, and women wear a blouse or dress. What you wear is dependent on the family’s values and the type of funeral. For example, a traditional religious funeral at a church would require more formal attire, compare to a less-formal wake at a person’s house.

How To Act

It is important to arrive at the venue early. It is recommended to show up at least 15 minutes before the funeral service starts. After arriving at the funeral home or church, it is advisable to find a seat right away. If the family is available you can offer your condolences to the family before proceeding to a seat. If the family members are accommodating several people, it is better to wait and speak to them after. It is also recommended to keep socializing with other people attending the funeral at a minimum until after the ceremony.

Children At The Funeral

If the children are still very young and wouldn’t really understand what is happening, it is advisable to not bring them to the funeral service. They can cause disruption to the service by crying, talking and moving too much. If the children are old enough, they can attend the funeral, but should first be educated about what will be happening at the funeral. It is important that they understand death and are not surprised by the funeral process.

Show Respect

The main rule in the memorial service etiquette is to be respectful at all times. Refrain from eating and drinking inside the church or the funeral home. Avoid chit chatting with other visitors, especially during the funeral service. Resist answering phone calls or responding to text messages. It is recommended to completely turn the phone off during the funeral.

Gifts and Flowers

Flowers are the most common and safest choice of gift for the family of the deceased. Flowers can be brought to the funeral or sent to the family. However, nowadays many families request memorial donations in lieu or flowers. Typically information on where to send flowers or donations is included at the end of the obituary. It is helpful to read this prior to attending the funeral so that you do not arrive with a large bouquet of flowers if the family requested no flowers.

It is important to understand memorial service etiquette prior to attending a funeral. The information above will provide you with the basic information you need to attend a funeral and act appropriately. In addition, it is important to consider the family’s religious beliefs and traditions prior to attending the funeral.

During this difficult time, it is important for an individual who is planning to either visit the funeral or send flowers to the family to learn about the funeral flower etiquette of the deceased’s family. Flowers may be delivered in person or sent to the family’s home. Or, the flowers may be delivered to the funeral service, burial, or wake. Depending on when and where the flowers are sent, the etiquette may vary. For example, it may not be appropriate to arrive at the funeral with flowers, but it may be acceptable to send flowers to the family a few weeks after the funeral.

The following are some religions and their funeral flower etiquette. If you do not find the information below and are still unsure about the etiquette, refer to the obituary. The family will often include at the end of the obituary some information on whether or not they would like to receive flowers, donations, or other memorial gifts.

Funeral Flower Etiquette by Religion

Roman Catholic Funeral

Flowers are acceptable during funeral wakes and services of Roman Catholics. The flowers can be sent to the church, funeral home, family’s residence, or to the wake. An individual can also send donations to the family of the deceased if they have requested them in lieu or flowers.

Protestant Funeral

A Protestant funeral ceremony celebrates the deceased person’s life and highlights the afterlife. Flowers are appreciated by the family and can be sent to their home or sent to the funeral home or church. The family may also request that donations be made to a charity they have selected.

Mormon Funeral

During a Mormon funeral flowers are acceptable, but an individual is advised not to send flower arrangements in the shape of a cross. Crosses and crucifix are not permitted because they believe in the bodily resurrection of Christ. It is advised to offer condolences and provide flowers before or after the funeral.

Jewish Funeral

Funeral flowers are not appropriate in Jewish traditions. Individuals are highly encouraged to send donations. A rabbi performs the funeral service and the deceased is buried right after his death. The family sits in mourning for seven days and fruit and food baskets are taken to the home.

Buddhist Funeral

A Buddhist family will accept flowers, but you should never send red flowers. White flowers are the traditional Buddhist flower color and are preferred. Also, it is not appropriate to send the family food. A donation may be made if the family has selected a charity.

Muslim Funeral

Whether or not to send flowers to a Muslim family depends on their beliefs. Some people believe that the Islamic emphasis on simplicity makes sending flowers inappropriate. However, some people will say that sending a simple flower arrangement is ok.

Hindu Funeral

A Hindu funeral takes place within 24 hours of death. Mourners should not bring anything to the funeral and not exchange greeting with other guests. A ceremony is held 10 days after the death where fruit should be brought for the family, but flowers are still not appropriate.

The funeral flower etiquette for the religions listed above give you the typical procedure for giving flowers. However, no matter what the religion the family may have different preferences. Often families prefer donations to a charity they select in lieu of flowers. Or, the family may not want flowers or any gifts at all. If you are unsure, refer to the obituary for more information. If there is no information in the obituary, you could ask a relative or close friend of the family. If you are still unsure, give the family a sympathy card and express your condolences for their loss.

Good Grief. No, I’m not simply quoting Charlie Brown.  There is such a thing as “good” or “healthy” grief.  For example, for years counselors and ministers told grieving individuals to be strong and don’t cry.  This was especially true for boys and men. Then, January 10, 1984, a small article appeared on the front page of the Detroit Free Press.  Dr. William Fry brought 400 people into a laboratory and had them peel an onion.  When they cried – they took the tears and put them under a microscope.  They found basically water and salt.  They took the same 400 people and brought them into a movie theater and had them watch two sad movies.  When they cried, they collected the tears and put them under a microscope.  They found water, salt, and a toxic enzyme by the name of “enkephalin”.  It has a numbing effect on the body when a person is grieving – and then – after it does its job, it is removed by the individual crying.  Dr. Fry’s conclusion was that if an individual did not cry during moments of grief and sadness, enkephalin would remain in the body and possibly do biological or physiological harm.  People who cry are physically healthier than those who do not.

We should never make any apologies for our tears.  They are tears of love and the best eulogy we can give our loved one.  Crying is one of the many “things” that we “do” that helps us to know we have healthy and good grief.  Let’s take a look at some others.

1. Tell the story of how your loved one died.  Talk about him or her.  Make it real so you can embrace the pain.  Some days you will feel like you are not going to make it, but you will.  Do not deny the facts of the loss or the meaning of the loss.  Do not avoid the circumstances of the death or the circumstances of your survival of the loss.  It is okay to remind yourself the death is irreversible and that your loved one would want you to keep living.  Tell yourself you do not have to be dysfunctional to prove your love for the one who has died.

2. Identify and own your feelings.  You will have both physical and emotional pain.  Physically, you may be nauseated, anxious, stunned.  You may have a tight chest and experience difficulty in breathing.  Emotionally you may feel guilty or angry.  You may have days of horrible despair and extreme sadness.  Don’t be afraid to keep a journal and write your feelings down.  You may want to write notes to your loved one who has died.  C.S. Lewis wrote love letters to his wife after her death, and that is why we have the book, A Grief Observed.  Talk to a close trusted friend, a minister, a counselor about what you are feeling.  Physically, you need to exercise and eat nutritiously.  Emotionally, you need to identify the emotion and express it.

3. Be kind to yourself.  Building one’s self esteem holds a primary position throughout the healing process.  Because the stress of your sorrow and grief can cause depression, your ego needs constant refueling.  You need a pat on the back, an arm around your shoulder in comfort.  Imagine how good that would feel.  The warmth you feel from gentle care does more for your sense of well-being than anything else in the world.  This tender stroking can come from within you as well as from others.  It’s important to realize just how much you can care for yourself.  A good way to start is to take time to think over your good features right down to the fine details.  List those worthwhile qualities on paper.  Then, on days when you’re feeling especially blue, you can read over the list to give yourself a boost.

4. Here are some other “hints” for “healing”:
• Eliminate survivor guilt
• Live on day at a time
• Be positive; find the beauty in life
• Attend a “support” group
• Limit the junk foods
• Stay away from alcohol; and only take prescribed medications
• Make adjustments
• Be open to new experiences
• Understand “setbacks”, but daily give yourself permission to get better
• Understand people die; relationships don’t

Remember that crying is natural and we should never make any apologies for our tears. There is such a thing as good grief.

Gravestone quotes are inspired by the overwhelming emotions a person is feeling when faced with the loss of a loved one. Quotes can be uplifting, mournful, cheerful, sad, funny or nostalgic. However, no matter what type of quote you choose the purpose is the same, to memorialize the life of your loved one.

When reading through the list of gravestone quotes, highlight the quotes that cause the biggest emotional response. Many of the quotes you will be unable to relate to; however, a few of them should touch your heart. The quote will either remind you of the person, of time you spent together, or of the feelings that you have towards him or her. The quote that you choose will help whoever reads the quote on the gravestone learn about what type of person your loved one was.

The Best Gravestone Quotes

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Maya Angelou

“For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.” Kalil Gibran

“Grieve not, nor speak of me with tears, but laugh and talk of me as if I were beside you. I loved you so—‘twas heaven here with you.” Isla Paschal Richardson

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.” Helen Keller

“It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather we should thank God that such men lived.” George S. Patton, Jr.

“The heart hath its own memory, like the mind. And in it are enshrined the precious keepsakes, into which is wrought the giver’s loving thought.” H.W. Longfellow

“If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you’ve made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand” Unknown

“A person’s true wealth is the good he or she does in the world.” Mohammed

“Where there is sorrow there is holy ground.”  Oscar Wilde

“To reach a great height a person needs to have great depth.” Anonymous

“Memories are the treasures that we lock deep within the storehouse of our souls.” Becky Aligada

“And life is what we make it, always has been, always will be.” Grandma Moses

“What we have once enjoyed, we can never lose.  All that we love deeply becomes part of us.”  Helen Keller

“Our care should not be to have lived long as to have lived enough.” Seneca

“It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather we should thank God that such men lived.” George S. Patton, Jr.

“Let the dead have the immortality of fame, but the living the immortality of love.” Tagore

”To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.” Ecclesiastes

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love.”  Washington Irving

“A person’s true wealth is the good he or she does in the world.” Mohammed

“The pain passes, but the beauty remains.” Pierre Auguste Renoir

“The journey is the reward.” Tao Saying

“Unless a man undertakes more than he possibly can do, he will never do all that he can.” Henry Drummond

“Tears are a river that take you somewhere…Tears lift your boat off the rocks, off dry ground, carrying it downriver to someplace better.” Clarissa Pinkola Estes

”What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” Helen Keller

“Death–the last sleep? No, the final awakening.” Walter Scott

“Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you’re alive, it isn’t.” Richard Bach

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”  Kahlil Gibran

“He who has hope has everything.” Arabian Proverb

“Death — the last voyage, the longest and the best.” Thomas Wolfe

“It is not length of life, but depth of life.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Choose one of the gravestone quotes listed above to engrave into your loved one’s headstone. A quote is a wonderful way to pay tribute to a person who has passed away. The quote you choose will remain on the gravestone for eternity to permanently memorialize the person who has passed away.

How are burial urns different than cremation urns?

A burial urn is intended to be buried, as the name suggests, and a cremation urn can be used for any purpose. However, sometimes the terms are used interchangeably, which can cause confusion. Proper burial urns are made of weather-resistant material and are well sealed to protect the ashes from the elements. They are stronger than a traditional urn so that they can be buried directly in the ground without an urn vault. Lastly, they are less decorative and simpler in design than a cremation urn.

Can I bury a cremation urn?

Yes, it is possible to bury any type of urn; however, cemeteries will have regulations on what type of urn you can bury directly in the ground. An urn vault will be required if you are burying a traditional urn. The urn vault prevents the ground from sinking in above the urn as it biodegrades. The vault also protects the urn from the elements and keeps the ashes safe and secure. The cemetery may have a special section for natural burials where a vault is not required, but this will need to be discussed with the cemetery before you purchase the urn.

What are biodegradable burial urns?

Biodegradable “green” urns are becoming increasingly popular. They make a good choice for a burial urn for a few reasons. First, they are environmentally friendly. As the urn decomposes there is no risk to the surrounding environment. Also, the urn is often made from recycled material and the manufacturing process is friendlier to the environment. Second, by using a biodegradable urn the ashes become part of the environment. Whether the urns are buried at sea, or in a park, the ashes will return to earth naturally. Finally, biodegradable urns are often far less expensive than traditional urns, which make them a popular choice regardless of how you intend to use the urn.

Why choose a Burial Urn?

Burials urns are popular because they combine cremation with traditional burial methods. The burial of an urn is similar to a casket and it allows the family to have a graveside service and have a permanent spot in a cemetery where they can visit their loved one’s remains. Burial urns are also popular because of their lower cost. When compared to the cost of burying a body, there are significant cost savings with cremation. An urn is less expensive than a casket and the burial plot for an urn is far smaller, and less expensive, than for a casket.

What types of burial urns are available?

Burial urns are available in a variety of shapes, sizes and materials. The most popular urns for direct burial are stone, metal or composite materials that are durable enough to withstand the elements. In addition, these materials can be buried in the ground without impacting the environment. Any type of urn, such as metal, glass, ceramic, wood or other materials, can be buried within an urn vault. An urn vault increases the cost of urn burial, but allows the family to use any urn they like.

If you are looking at burial urns, make sure to consider the items above before making your decision. We recommend that you begin by speaking to the cemetery where you plan to bury the urn to see what their regulations are. They will also be able to provide you with a few burial urns that they recommend. Remember that you can use any urn to bury your loved one’s ashes; however, you will also be required to purchase a burial vault.

Children need different handling techniques at different ages, but the following guidelines will help as a general overview. If a 13 or 14 year old is faced with death she should be treated differently from a six year old. The older a child is, the more discussion centering on concepts can occur, but truthfulness is always a constant that should never be overlooked at any age.

Tell the child as soon as possible about the death.

Never delay the inevitable. It is best to tell the child about a death as quickly as you can. Otherwise, it will seem as if you are hiding something from the child.

Also, when you tell the child about a death, it helps if you can touch the child. Of course, how familiar you are with a child, or situation, will be your guide indicating how extensive the touching should be. Sometimes holding a person’s hand is enough to convey your care and understanding. Hugging demonstrates closeness, or with a young child, sitting on a lap offers security.

Always start the conversation with facts; something that the child knows. For instance, begin the discussion with: Remember when your mommy was going to the hospital for chemo-therapy every week? — or — Remember when the doctors said your mommy had cancer and your daddy told you?

Starting with factual information that a child would remember gives a solid foundation for the next step.

Be truthful.

Withholding the information is an additional threat to a child. By not telling a child how Uncle Hugo died, the adult makes the death even more frightening and less comprehensible.

Do not use euphemisms to label a death: Your father passed. (the ball? the potatoes?) –or– Aunt Katie expired. (Does that mean when the time expires on the meter, or my subscription expires, death will occur?) –or– He looks like he’s sleeping. (Your child may never sleep again!!)

Carefully explain what it means to be dead. Make sure the child knows that the dead never return. Explain what buried means, and if necessary, what cremation means.

Tell only the details the child is ready and willing to hear.

According to the Gesell Institute for Human Development, children at age seven are able to understand concepts, so before that age one should only use basic facts about a death. As the explainer, you want to actualize the crisis for the child (make it real) so that the child will be able to reprocess the information at each developmental level.

The parents will have to be willing and able to “revisit” the death when a child needs new information at each stage. If the death is mentioned four years later when the child is age 11, then new levels of understanding are being experienced and should be explored and discussed by the family.

Encourage the child to express his feelings.

Children are young adults and will go through many stages of grief just like “old” adults. The seven stages to look for when helping children through grief are:

1. Numbness: Just as the adults may go through a period of non-feeling, walking without thinking, doing by rote, a child can have the same reaction.

2. Alarm: This is a sense of danger that goes off in the child’s brain. It is especially true when a parent or sibling dies. Often, sleeplessness will occur.

3. Denial: Again, this is the same as the adult behavior. The child says, or believes, it didn’t happen; it couldn’t happen. If there is a lot of hyperactivity from the child, that is a sign that the child is denying what happened. A child may not be able to verbally express what he feels, so, he will express himself in a physical manner.

4. Yearning: This is a regression where the child wants the loved one back. The child may even say this aloud: I want Daddy back.

5. Searching: The child thinks a lot about the deceased. The child seems to be waiting for something to happen, like Daddy returning. There is a scanning of the environment. This can manifest itself by watching and listening to the news for the first time, keying in on items that deal with the same kind of death or accident.

6. Disorganization: You may see this in school work and social interactions. The child exhibits a lack of interest in work or does not get along with the same friends before the death.

7. Reorganization: The child consciously, or unconsciously, sets new guidelines for himself and his role in the family.

Take the child to the funeral.

Four elements occur when you take the child to the funeral:

a. Realization (Seeing is believing.)

b. Recall (They will be able to remember the death. It is more concrete evidence than just a statement that Uncle died.)

c. Expression (They are given the chance to express their grief.)

d. Support (They have a sense of support from others.)

If a person is already buried, take the child to the cemetery. 

By taking the child to the cemetery the parent makes the child feel better because he has been included in the mourning process. This also gives the grief an object. Seeing where the loved one is buried increases the understanding and lessens the stage of disorganization.

Let the child tell others about death.

If a child is allowed to share his feelings about the death by talking to others, his anxiety is lessened which gives him a greater understanding of the death. It also lessens the anxiety because the child has more control over his emotions and reactions to the death.

If a child is too young to verbalize, it may be wise to have the child draw a picture. Many times children will express their feelings through drawings with great clarity without actually drawing a picture about death. Storm clouds, heavy lines and dark colors would show that the child is upset and needs to share his feelings aloud and perhaps with someone other than a close family member. Perhaps a teacher or friend would be the choice.

Encourage the child to talk.

Always listen to what the child has to say. If the child seems reticent about opening up and discussing his emotions, use the “Five Faces” to help conquer this reluctance. Ask the child to look at the faces and tell a story about each face.

Questions to start a child thinking and talking could be some of the following:

1. Why is face #1 sad? What has made this face cry?

2. What made face #2 mad? Have you ever felt mad? When?

3. What is face #3 happy about? What makes you happy?

4. Face #4 is scared. What makes a person scared? Have you ever been afraid of something? What?

5. Why is face #5 feeling alone? What does “alone” feel like?

6. Which face is you right now? Can you tell me why?

Five Faces

Be available to answer questions. 

No matter what you are doing, listen to the child. The question may not be as important as giving the child the recognition that his questions are important and he is important.

Never say: “Don’t feel that way.”

Comments like that, which are meant to be helpful, or at best meaningless, unintentionally do harm. It teaches children to repress their feelings, or “play dead” with their emotions. It also instills an incongruency which lowers self-esteem. By incongruency we mean that what a person feels on the inside is not manifested on the outside. As an adult he may become the confused stoic. Finally, it teaches them that the only way to cope in the adult world is through dishonesty.

As adults, we want to know the truth, to be encouraged to talk, or to be held when upset. Why should children be any different? Children also feel the need for support and the loss of the loved one. Adults must never lose sight of that fact. Nor should adults forget that it is their responsibility to teach the child how to grieve properly.

Think of the child as a smaller version of yourself. What would you want to know about the death? How would you like to be told? What questions would you ask? If you can keep this in mind, helping children through grief will be easier.

EXERCISE

1. Use the five faces to start the child talking about sadness, anger, happiness, fear and loneliness. Tell the child to make up a story about each face. Explain that the story does not have to have real people in it. (This is used to determine if the child is in touch with his feelings.)

2. Have the child draw a picture of the deceased as he remembered her (or him); or

Have the child draw a picture of himself; or

Have the child draw a picture about anything.

With each drawing have the child explain his picture to you, or make up a story to go with it.

3. If a child is older, one might ask the child to choose from the deceased’s possessions the one “thing” he would like to remember him/her by.

Ask why that item was chosen. (A vase because she always had fresh flowers. A picture that she painted or needlepointed. His paratrooper insignia and flight jacket.)

It is important to maintain discussion and open expression of feelings.

4. Ask the child to recount a story of the most memorable time he and the deceased spent together.

Canine, J. D. (1990) I Can I Will: Maximum Living Bereavement Support Group Guide. Birmingham, Michigan. Ball Publishers.

Some people will look at the death as a punishment they deserve, and for a certain period of time will choose to be unhappy. A parent and child argue over an insignificant matter; one dies before the apology. The person left behind may choose to believe that God is punishing him for the argument. People who believe this will feel they deserve the punishment and the unhappiness. They don’t!

People deserve happiness, can achieve it, and should want it. Here are ten areas to consider in order to achieve happiness through grief. Not all of these areas must be used in order to achieve happiness. Some may apply to you more closely than others; those are the areas on which you should concentrate.

Change the way you talk to yourself. 

Instead of looking at faults and focusing on that, focus on your good points. Accentuate the positive because you deserve to be happy. Consider this quotation from Proverbs 23:7: “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” If you think you are a good person and deserve happiness, you will become that happy, good person.

Understand your feelings but focus on your behavior.

Understand the guilt, understand the anger and realize that the guilt and anger have an object. Focus on how you intend to release that anger. Jogging or physical exercise can be a positive release from the anger because you benefit from it. Your self-image will improve, which would reinforce the positive way you talk to yourself.

The best therapy for a wrong feeling is right behavior.

Rather than getting mad at a co-worker when the anger really stems from the grief and not the present situation, do something positive:

Write in your journal.

Talk with a friend.

Take a brisk walk.

After you have allowed yourself the time to divert the irrational anger, talk to the co-worker about the problem. There may not be a problem.

Focus on a specific plan of action.

This plan of action can be developed in any of these five areas. You do not have to plan each area at once. Make plans for as many areas at one time as you feel comfortable with and then tackle the rest. Only you can determine your priorities and how much you can undertake at one time.

Make a spiritual plan of action. Some people feel a need to visit a priest, minister, or rabbi. A church may offer solace, friendship, and comfort, as well as a place for volunteering one’s time and talents.

Make a social plan of action. Oftentimes the mourner wonders how soon is too soon to start dating. Going out with friends can be fun, but the idea of being the “5th Wheel” may creep into one’s mind. No one enjoys being the odd-man-out, so it is usually easier to stay in. Forget it! Make new single friends through community centers, churches, or health clubs; then you won’t be the “5th Wheel.”

Make a physical plan of action. Think of improvements, if any, that when made would make you feel even better. A sixty year old widow finally has braces for her teeth. Start an exercise program that includes a friend. Join a health club. Do some physical thing that will make you feel good about yourself.

Make an emotional/psychological plan of action. Socially you decide how soon to get into the main stream of living. Emotionally/psychologically you will make a determination about whom you will share your life, your aims, your hurts, your feelings. This is a critically important area because your trust with relationships is developed here.

Make an intellectual plan of action. Older people who are retired, and because of insurance policies and pension plans are set for life (financially), may decide to return to school just for themselves. This is wonderful. It is a positive step forward by the survivor.

Develop new interests and activities.

Find new ways to develop new interests, or rediscover old interests. If you never bowled but always had the inclination, maybe it’s time to try it.

Utilize the resource of religious faith. 

It is common to reconnect with those strong religious feelings after the death of someone important to you. Rather than question the emergence of these feelings, use them and the resources available to you during the time that you need faith. Many people find comfort in the thought that the resurrection of Christ was a spiritual conquering of death, and that the church offers this as hope.

Deal with dependency needs.

A parent can depend too much on children doing those simple errands that can be done by the survivor, or by hiring someone else. Transportation, home maintenance, cooking or cleaning, may have always been accomplished by the partner who is no longer there. Now it is the survivor’s turn to show an understanding of what independent means. It is not always easy to do this, but it is necessary. Make the conscious decision to find that “neighborhood handyman” to put up those second-story storm windows. Men should talk with male friends who have also been through this to discover the easiest meals to prepare or the best laundry detergent to use. Hire the junior high school student to cut the lawn and shovel the sidewalks. Or, move to a no-maintenance condo and hire a housekeeper!

Focus on assertiveness. 

On the other hand, what happens to many survivors is that they find it difficult to go on with life because there are too many others to please. Whether from a large family, or a moderately-sized one, when a parent dies, the adult children may feel that the surviving parent has to live with one of them. She, or he, cannot possibly want to stay in that big house all alone. The survivor thinks that the children must come first and she wants to please them. The survivor must do for herself and tell the well-meaning children that she would like to be at her house surrounded by the possessions and memories of her life. Find your voice and use it. Control your environment.

This means that you need to do the work yourself, if you physically can, or have it done for you by someone else. Here is a story of a woman who dealt with her dependency needs, focused her assertiveness, and controlled her environment:

Elizabeth, in Traverse City, heats her house with a wood-burning stove. The house fronts the water and the back overlooks a heavily wooded area. Every year, Rich would gather, cut and stack the wood for the winter. With his death, Elizabeth knew that this could not be done by herself, and was too great a task to impose upon her son, and/or her son-in-law. Instead, Elizabeth put an “ad” in the church bulletin that she needed help with chopping, gathering, and storing the wood. She could pay all volunteers with dinner (pizza in this case) and drinks (pop). The turn-out was incredible. Twenty people showed up and the job was done in just a few hours. Because of its success, Elizabeth is thinking about making it an annual event!

Recognize the fear of rejection.

Sometimes adults have the child-like reaction of feeling abandoned when an important person in their lives dies. It can be viewed as illogical or irrational, but that doesn’t matter to the person who feels this way. The important idea to remember is:

YOU HAVE NOT BEEN REJECTED.

DEATH IS A PART OF LIFE.

IT IS A NATURAL PHENOMENON.

Through it all — DON’T PLAY GOD. 

In order to achieve happiness remember that you cannot do everything, you cannot be all things to all people and you need to be nice to yourself. Paraphrasing St. Augustine’s “Serenity Prayer” explains the essence of what you, as the survivor, must maintain:

Accept the things you cannot change;

Be assertive enough to change those that you can;

Ask God to give you the wisdom to know the difference.

EXERCISE

These exercises are designed to match the ten steps to achieving happiness through grief. Pick one that is most beneficial to you right now and do it.

1. List ten positive aspects about yourself.

2. Give an example of a “wrong” feeling that you have had, and a “right” behavior to counteract it.

3-5. Enroll in a community college, or university for those enrichment classes you always wanted to take.

-or-

Become more active in your church by volunteering your time or joining the social club.

-or-

Join a health club, or speed walk at designated malls in the morning with groups.

-or-

Convince yourself that you will make one new friend a month.

-or-

Sign up for a class at a high school in the Adult Education program.

6. Make a list of your dependency needs.

7-8. Make another list that explains/tells how to conquer those needs you listed in #6.

9. If you feel rejected, write in your journal all your reasons behind this feeling, and when you feel this the strongest.

10. One more list:

List everything you cannot change.

List everything you can change.

Realize the difference.

Canine, J. D. (1990) I Can I Will: Maximum Living Bereavement Support Group Guide. Birmingham, Michigan. Ball Publishers.

The lists in this article are to be used in one of two ways. They are guidelines for phases in your recovery that you need to follow. They are also check points for phases in your recovery from grief that you have accomplished. Use the lists as you need them.

How do you know you are on your way to recovery from grief? Simple clues tell us that the grieving is ending and the living is beginning. You have to be able to recognize those clues that indicate you have let go of the past, or are in the process of letting go.

Ask yourself these questions to discover:

1. How often do I think of the past? (often, occasionally, rarely)

2. Do I become upset when I think about my loved one?

3. How often do I talk about the death? (often, occasionally, rarely)

4. Have I given up my emotional commitments to my loved one?

This last question is important because it focuses your attention on emotions, commitment, trust and love. Have you learned to trust and love someone else? Have you learned to trust and love yourself? Loving yourself is an integral part of your recovery from grief. If you cannot feel good about yourself, then you cannot heal and recover. A major condition of survival is having a positive attitude.

Here is a self-love checklist:

1. I feel I am lovable.

2. I am not afraid of being loved and am able to accept another’s love.

3. I am not afraid of loving another nor of expressing that love.

4. I feel comfortable meeting my own needs rather than feeling selfish if I do.

5. I am developing a more mature style of love.

6. I have grown personally since my crisis.

7. I am able to love myself; accept who I am.

When you find that you are able to love someone else, as well as yourself, you will find that you have made tremendous growth. You have learned to trust. Trust is so important to growth. How can you grow if you do not trust your own instincts? How can you grow if you do not trust your friends’ judgment? How can you grow if you do not trust your hair dresser or barber? Yes, even those people who may not seem as important as a new lover, friend, or yourself are just as important because they represent your growth. When you can trust someone else, no matter who it is, you are on the road to recovery from grief and on the way to becoming a survivor.

Here is a list to see if your trust is there:

1. I trust other people. (friends, companions, business associates)

2. I trust my feelings enough to act on them.

3. I am building new relationships to help in my recovery.

4. I am aware, though, that I still distance people.

5. I understand that not everyone should be trusted.

6. I am able to differentiate between which people should be trusted and those who should not. (Sometimes people trust too easily and quickly, and then are open to more hurt. You must be careful.)

7. I am taking risks in my relationships by exposing my true feelings.

8. I am TRULY interested in my friends.

Some of you are on the way to grieving less and loving and trusting yourself and others more, but some are still too responsible for others, or not responsible enough.

Do you take care of everyone else before yourself? Do you feel that you are the only one who can do whatever it is that has to be done? It is time to realize that just as you do not grieve alone, you do not have to be responsible for everyone else. What about you? Have you thought just about yourself since your loved one died? Have you done anything for just you?

OR are you the type of person who lets everything be done for you? Do you live for pampering? Is the one person who took care of you so well now gone? What can be done?

How would you reply to the following statements?

1. I know I exhibit over-responsible behavior.

2. I know I exhibit under-responsible behavior.

3. I believe I can change this pattern.

4. I am working toward more adult relationships where there is an exchange of responsibilities, and a sharing.

5. I am behaving with appropriate responsibility; asking for help, or giving help, with no strings attached.

EXERCISE

Another list!? This is, perhaps, the most important. It combines all the areas discussed so far. It is a check list for you to evaluate how far you have progressed and how much farther you need to go for your recovery from grief.

1. I am able to verbalize what I am feeling.

2. I am able to communicate those feelings to another person.

3. I have at least one new important friend with whom I can share.

4. I express my anger in a positive, non-self-destructive manner.

5. I have renewed old friendships that may have been put aside during my grief.

6. I have identified areas in which I still need to concentrate positive energy.

7. I have spent time alone and have enjoyed it.

8. I have done something nice for myself and have not felt guilty.

9. I like myself.

10. I am making plans for the future.

11. I am much more in control of my life.

12. I am experiencing the freedom to be myself and like it.

Canine, J. D. (1990) I Can I Will: Maximum Living Bereavement Support Group Guide. Birmingham, Michigan. Ball Publishers.

This article is for the person who wonders why he or she is not grieving, as well as for the person who knows someone who is not grieving. It is for the person who asks him- or herself two years after someone has died: Why didn’t I feel anything? Why didn’t I allow myself to cry? The person who asks these questions is closer to being able to grieve. The next step is understanding why he hasn’t yet, so that he can understand why it is all right to grieve.

The five factors that can help explain the reasons behind not grieving are: Relational, circumstantial, historical, behavioral, and social.

RELATIONAL FACTORS

Relational factors deal with how a survivor handles a death. Some people simply do not relate properly to death, so they do not grieve. Here are two explanations why:

Ambivalence: A survivor has a multitude of feelings about the death, and usually they are opposing feelings. One woman prayed for her husband’s peaceful death, but longed to have him with her. Since these feelings are contradictory, they are difficult to deal with. So, rather than try to balance the two feelings, it is easier to close your mind to the grief and just not grieve.

Selfishness: A survivor does not want to grieve because it would mean having to face the question of one’s own mortality, and that would not be fun. The loved one was an extension of the survivor in the sense that the survivor is forced to think about something he finds unpleasant. Usually a person who is openly grief stricken is accused of selfish behavior; as if their tears are only for himself. In reality, the person who doesn’t grieve is more selfish because it means having to look at life and death and how it relates to oneself.

CIRCUMSTANTIAL FACTORS

Circumstantial factors deal with the circumstances surrounding a death. There are three basic designations showing why some people do not grieve due to the conditions of the death.

A loss is uncertain. Many people are still unable to grieve because a son or father is listed as an MIA. It is difficult to grieve someone when the survivor does not actually know the fate of the loved one.

A loss is certain but no body has been found. How many times have we turned on the news to hear of a plane crash, train derailment, or other catastrophe where deaths are reported and tallied but not all the bodies have been recovered? Think how the survivor(s) must feel knowing a loved one is dead, but never being able to see that one as dead. The survivor’s grieving needs closure and it is difficult for it to occur without the body.

Multiple losses can cause so much pain it is easier to not grieve. Sometimes people will just close down the mourning process altogether as an option. A woman who was a wife, mother and grandmother lost all three of those distinctions when the airplane carrying her husband, daughter, and granddaughter plummeted to the ground killing her family in a fiery explosion. She was not alone in the circumstance, but for this woman it was easier to choose not to grieve than to grieve. In making this decision she also chose not to accept the support of the other families who also lost loved ones in the crash.

HISTORICAL FACTORS

There are two ways of discussing this occurrence. The first is to think in terms of one’s family history. If people did not grieve in the past, chances are great that they will not grieve in the future. Perhaps they have fallen into this poor behavioral pattern because their parents did not grieve. If their primary male and female role models showed them that grieving was wrong, this non-grieving attitude was passed on and will probably continue to be passed on from generation to generation.

There can also be a misinterpretation of a non-show of grief. A person may appear stoic and strong in public, but at home grieves “openly.” If the person is not a public figure, the only misinterpretation might be done by distant family members. What if, however, the stoic person is very much in the public eye? What if the person is considered a heroic persona?

Jackie Kennedy Onassis was considered stoic and strong. She did not grieve in public, and we, the admiring public looked at Jackie and saw her as an example of proper behavior. Since she did not show grief at such a tragic time, we would not show grief for a loved one either. We know this is not good. Grief is important, and, without trying Jackie Kennedy Onassis set the grieving process back 25 years for being so stoic.

BEHAVIORAL FACTORS 

There are two behavioral factors that center around certain personality types. This may be a person who cannot handle emotional distress, or someone who feels he must play a specific role in the family and society.

The first type has an underdeveloped ego, lacks the parental bonding formed in childhood necessary to permit and encourage grieving, or is suffering from a personality disorder such as anti-social behavior, avoidant behavior, or obsessive behavior. These are all a major part of the inability to handle emotional distress and those personality disorders do not permit a natural flow of emotion that the grief process requires.

The second type perceives himself (or herself) as having a role to play in the family unit. This role may have been created by the individual’s beliefs or by society’s. It is something that is usually forced on men because stereo typing has placed them as the head of the house, father, provider, and caretaker. The wife and children should not see the man cry because it will betray his weak character. This is wrong. Tears are healthy.

On January 10, 1984, the Detroit Free Press carried a front page story about a group of medical doctors who brought in 400 people to do a study on tears. The 400 were subjected to the smell of an onion while peeling it. All 400 cried and the doctors collected samples of everyone’s tears to examine them under a microscope. The findings were that all the tears were comprised of water and salt.

The next test given to the same 400 was to have them sit through two very sad movies. One of the movies was “The Champ;” the story of a broken down boxer/father and his son’s relationship. After sitting through the movies, tear samples were collected again from the 400 participants. The findings for these tear samples were a little different. These tears were made of water, salt, and a toxic enzyme released from the brain and removed from the body through the tears.

If an individual didn’t cry during moments of grief or sadness, that poisonous toxic enzyme would stay in the body and possibly, over weeks and months, build up to the point of eventually causing biological or physical harm.

The conclusion? People who cry are healthier than those who don’t. AND men should cry for their health!

SOCIAL FACTORS

Under the heading Social Factors, there are three sub-categories:

The loss is unspeakable.

The loss is socially negative.

The loss suffers from an absence of support.

If a loss is socially “unacceptable,” a survivor is not allowed to speak of the death. This can occur when a death is a suicide, and in some cases, when the death is a homicide. Circumstances surrounding the death may make the survivor uncomfortable worrying what others will think, or the survivor may have a self-imposed promise of silence.

Joanne is a realist. She teaches high school social studies and is always trying to make history real for her students. Naturally, she was upset when she walked into her house, two weeks after her husband’s death, and realized that she had no conscious memory of him. Even after looking at a photograph, she still did not recognize the face in the picture.

She was worried and sought professional help. Something had to be wrong with her since she could not remember the face or the mannerisms of the man to whom she had been married 15 years.

After working with the therapist, one conclusion was reached: If she could somehow remove him from her memory, then his death, by suicide, would never have happened, and neither would he.

Suicide was such a horrible reality for Joanne that she subconsciously removed him from her life. This made it possible for her not to deal with the suicide.

If a loss is socially negative, a survivor is not allowed to grieve openly because of what society will say. A person who has an abortion doesn’t grieve because abortion is a controversial political issue. It is too newsworthy, displaying Pro-Choice activists and Pro-Life activists at odds; each having equal positive and negative reactions. And, although there is more awareness concerning AIDS daily, it still carries a social stigma because it is generally considered a sexually transmitted disease. It is easily forgotten that it is also transmitted through blood transfusions.

When a family discovered their ten-year-old son had AIDS, they were faced with the discomforting question: What do we tell our family and friends? They knew there were legal obligations they would have to face with public schooling, but that would be simple compared to friends’ reactions.

They decided it was better to say nothing of his condition so that when he died, they still couldn’t discuss why their loss was so devastating. Their grief was incomplete, and they chose not to grieve. It was “better” for them than to have to answer all those probing and, many times, insensitive questions.

Years ago it may have been Leukemia. With each generation we find a new socially negative way to die, with the same problem to overcome: Grieving properly and openly. If there is an absence of social (family or friends) support, a person is unable to grieve because he has no one with whom to talk.

What happens when a family has just moved to an area and a tragedy occurs? Who is going to help the survivors grieve? How will that family survive initially?

Maggie and Jesse moved to Michigan from Nebraska because of a job transfer. They had only been in Michigan two months when Jesse died. Maggie had no close friends nor family in town. There was no one to help her grieve, so she did not grieve.

Maggie finally returned to Nebraska and was able to grieve. She had her family and friends around who understood her sorrow and felt the loss as well. However, the first two weeks following Jesse’s death might as well have been two years. They were the longest and most difficult two weeks Maggie had ever known since she was unable to release any of her grief, and have it understood.

Grief is a very important element of human growth and development. There are many stages of grief, all of which must be completed before resolution occurs. There are many types who will avoid grieving, but need the guidance and support directing them to the grief stages. There are also people who simply do not grieve for a variety of complex reasons. However, what should be learned from all of this is that when a person grieves properly, a survivor emerges.

EXERCISE

1. Discuss with a friend how you feel after you cry.

2. Review your journal to realize how much improvement you have made.

Canine, J. D. (1990) I Can I Will: Maximum Living Bereavement Support Group Guide. Birmingham, Michigan. Ball Publishers.

There are four basic types of unhealthy grief reactions that, after being discussed here, may help you recognize a pattern in someone you know or even yourself.

Grief counselors are often faced with questions like: Is this crying normal? Should I feel anger? Is my reaction to his death unusual? Is my grief normal? In order to respond to these questions, the therapist, or support person, should look for the following clues to unhealthy, or other-than-normal grief reactions.

1. The mourner speaks of the death as if it just happened (although it may have occurred nine months ago).

2. The mourner develops the same physical symptoms as the deceased.

3. The mourner has a radical change in lifestyle (a homebody becomes a “swinging single”).

4. The mourner imitates the deceased in mannerisms, likes or dislikes (the wife goes to the race track because her husband did).

5. A minor event, such as a movie, triggers an unusual and irrational amount of grief.

6. There is a preservation of useless material possessions; such as toothbrush, clothes, shoes or hairbrush.

7. There is a continuous discussion of the death. It is the only topic of conversation. (However, this is not to be confused with the reaction to the death of a loved one when it first happens. It is in those first few weeks that a survivor cannot talk too much about the deceased.)

8. There are continuous feelings of depression, guilt, or low self-esteem.

9. There are continuous self-destructive impulses; such as drug or alcohol abuse, or suicidal thoughts.

10. There is a refusal to go to the cemetery, read the obituary page, or even discuss the death.

These clues will help a support person recognize and identify the need in someone who is not reacting to the grief in a normal fashion. Remember, this article is designed not only for the person who is grieving, but also for the support person who will help the survivor understand the need to grieve. The following are the four basic types of unhealthy grief reactions.

CONTINUOUS GRIEF REACTIONS 

When a person dies, she or he leaves behind all her or his “things.” If these mementoes serve a useful, positive purpose, then they are worth keeping. Pictures, awards, Bibles, or even a particular piece of clothing can celebrate the person’s life. A grandchild who wants an outfit for “dress-up” is not being disrespectful. Rather, she is cheerfully remembering the grandparent, a piece of jewelry may only have sentimental value, but that is a pleasant and priceless reminder of the past. As long as there is a utility to the object, whether it is comforting or practical, it is a memento that should be kept.

However, if the object does nothing but produce grief, it is a linking object and should be disposed of. Linking objects serve no usefulness to the survivor. They may be clothes, tools, shoes or businesses which, to the survivor, only renew the grief.

Craig, at age 57, died leaving everything to his wife. He had always taken charge of the finances including the purchase of an apartment building as an investment property. Whenever his widow passed the building, or had to deal with the maintenance problems, she was reminded of Craig’s death as if it had happened only yesterday.

Two years passed before she sold the building. It was not until she did this that she was able to finalize her grief and move on with her life.

Continuous Grief Reactions has an origin to a linking object (a grief-producing reminder) as well as having other issues involved, such as an unresolved conflict (an argument). This reaction can last several years until all loose ends are tied up. Clothes must be given away or discarded; tools, knick-knacks and hobby items could be sold at a garage sale; and toys, books, furniture given to a charitable organization. One person’s comforting reminder may be another person’s grief-ridden object. It must be determined which it is (memento or linking object), and handled accordingly for recovery to occur.

SUSPENDED GRIEF REACTION

This reaction uses a similar avoidance behavior pattern as the “Procrastinator”. A person who reacts in this manner delays her grief, as if to put it on hold in a state of suspended animation. The grief is suppressed and internalized to the extent that a minor event will trigger an uncontrollable reaction. A mourner is crying irrationally about her own grief, not the sad movie.

Why or when can this occur? One instance of when his grief reaction might occur is at a time when a person has too many losses. Everything is confused and seemingly impossible to explain, so it is easier to suspend the grief.

A mother’s oldest son dies in a car accident because he was not wearing a seat belt. Three weeks later the youngest daughter, also not wearing a seat belt, dies in a car accident. The mother decides she cannot deal with the losses so she puts her grief feelings on hold until she :an grieve. Not even she knows when that might be.

Most often this suspension occurs when there is a legal problem: a lawsuit or a court case involving a murder. A mourner cannot begin to grieve until a resolution has occurred. A resolution will not occur until the case comes to trial. A settlement of legal and emotional issues must happen first.

Another mother’s son died in a drowning incident. Because it happened at a neighbor’s house due to the neighbor’s neglect, a lawsuit was pending. When the suit finally came to trial, five years had passed since the boy’s death. At long last the mother was able to grieve for her son, and she did so as if it (the death) had happened five days ago, not five years ago. She had delayed her grief for a long time; but, she was finally able to grieve.

MAGNIFIED GRIEF REACTION

Thanatopsis is a meditation upon death. Thanatophobia is a magnified/exaggerated and illogical fear of death. It is a fear that has no object, unlike a fear of driving or flying when a person can sit in the car or plane and deal with the object of that fear. A person can drive a car and run through an actual lesson on what is frightening. With death, one is dealing with non-existence and, therefore, something without an object. Someone can sit in a casket, but this does not deal with the object of the fear: Death and the unknown.

To some degree everyone has a certain amount of this fear. Existentialism is a well-known philosophical belief.

However, when this existential despair (fear of dying) magnifies itself out of proportion and maladaptive behavior occurs because of it, an unhealthy grief reaction happens and the inability to grieve and recover from that grief takes place.

As Mary approached her 25th birthday, she became increasingly reclusive. Her mother had died when she was 25. Even though Mary knew logically that it didn’t mean she was going to die, illogically she began to fear her own death more and more. She convinced herself that it could just as easily happen to her. She could just as easily die in a house fire or plane crash.

Because of her Magnified Grief Reaction, Mary stayed in her house, stopped using the stove (there might be an explosion), and worried that she was dying too.

A person who suffers from this will not do certain every-day activities because the fear of death overwhelms the thought process. A person will constantly refer to her own death: I should have died instead of him; (or) I deserve to die.

In an argument, this person may say something like: “Well, tomorrow I may be dead and then you’ll be sorry.” The person who magnifies her grief response to such an exaggerated state is not consciously trying to make anyone feel guilty, as that last statement may imply. Unfortunately, they are so conscious of death and fear it so much, that their entire existence focuses on this phobia.

CAMOUFLAGED GRIEF REACTION

The person whose ego (self) is underdeveloped cannot withstand the strain of mourning, so, this immature person will camouflage her grief by displaying outrageous behavior. This behavior would reflect a radical change in lifestyle. If she had worn a minimum amount of makeup, but now spends hours in front of a mirror applying powders, eye liners, shadows and rouges, then you could assume that just as the makeup is camouflaging any physical imperfections, it is also camouflaging the grief. If person’s clothing style changed from Peter Pan collars and tartan plaids to plunging necklines and mini-skirts, more is revealed about the person’s grief than just her chest and legs. If a person sells the 5-door station wagon that was great for car-pooling in favor of a two-seater gull wing Corvette, more than a checkered flag should wave indicating the start of a new race. Someone like this needs help and understanding.

Although makeup, clothes, or cars may be outward signs of change, this person shows no outward signs of grief. She doesn’t cry, doesn’t show anger, nor does she feel any guilt. This grief has manifested itself in another way which is very typical for this reaction: Narcissistically. This is understandable because this person does not accept the grief, another sign of immaturity. This person goes to extremes to have fun to compensate for the grief. Any of these dramatic changes of behavior should be recognized as an unconscious suppression of grief so that recovery can occur.

Monica was 28 when her husband died. They had one child, a four year old boy. After her husband’s death, Monica began wearing a great deal of makeup, having her nails and hair done weekly, spending money frivolously, and going “out” with her girlfriends two or three times weekly. Her son was always left with a babysitter even though grandparents lived nearby.

Monica was doing everything for herself without considering her son’s feelings or needs. Her reaction was very egotistical and selfish. She was not mature enough to realize how the death affected others, and was no comfort to her son or anyone else. Monica needed to learn how to grieve so that she would develop as a responsible parent, and human being.

EXERCISE

Here are some examples of Unhealthy Grief Reactions:

1. Sharon feared everything because she was sure it would lead to her own death. Planes were crashing too easily, nuclear reactors could melt down and even trains were derailing. All this fear began when her youngest sister died in a freak boating accident. Sharon refused to visit her sister’s grave and any time she heard of an unusual, accidental death, it reinforced her fears.

2. It started with her aunt dying. Two weeks later her sister-in-law died and one week after that a close cousin died. Marge subconsciously decided it was better to keep working and not think about the deaths she was faced with. There just wasn’t enough time to grieve for them individually, so she’d do it later.

Marge couldn’t understand, though, why she cried so long and hard at her daughter’s Christmas play: A Christmas Carol, or, why the simplest events would get her upset.

3. Alan had been married ten years when he was widowed. He began to run five miles daily, let his hair grow and ride a motorcycle. He also found that alcohol seemed to make him forget and he was grateful for that. His life was no longer the same, why should he be the same?

4. Everything had centered around her Charley in his life, why not in his death? If people or friends didn’t want to hear her talk about him, then she didn’t need to see them. What did it matter that he had died three years ago? Didn’t she have the right to grieve in her own way? Charley had meant a lot to her and without him she was nothing. Was it a crime that she cried every time she looked at his clothes still hanging in their closet?

Answers to Exercise

1. Magnified Grief Reaction; clues: refusal to visit cemetery (10); continuous discussion of death (7).

2. Suspended Grief Reaction; clues: a minor event triggers grief (5).

3. Camouflaged Grief Reaction; clues: radical change in lifestyle (3); continuous self-destructive impulses (9).

4. Continuous Grief Reaction; clues: talks about death as if it had just happened (1); talks about death constantly (7); preserves useless material possessions (6).

Canine, J. D. (1990) I Can I Will: Maximum Living Bereavement Support Group Guide. Birmingham, Michigan. Ball Publishers.

There are many elements to grief. Depression, anger and guilt are three very general categories. Within each category are many areas, that, when broken down, will assist those who are grieving.

1. ACTUALIZE THE CRISIS

If we can verify a death, we can move ahead in our growth and recovery. We can keep away from denial and avoidance. These two reactions to death are common, but if dwelt in too long, will prohibit a person from moving forward.

There are several ways to overcome denial in order to actualize the death. The survivor can revisit the scene of the accident. Maureen, a mother of three, said that her oldest daughter’s death did not become real to her until she returned to the lake where the boat had capsized. It was not until she revisited the scene that she actualized the death.

Another way of facing the crisis is by going to the trial of the murderer, or reading investigative reports, or autopsies. After reading the autopsy report on his 28 year old son, Jerry realized that his son had a history of heart problems that had not surfaced during the regular exams. Instead of grieving that his son had been taken from him so young, Jerry understood that he had been lucky to have him around for those extra years.

So, what happens when you actualize the crisis by forcing yourself to look death squarely in the face? Two things occur: (1) you gain understanding and (2) you gain control. Why does a person fear flying? He is anxious because he doesn’t know how the plane works (lack of understanding), and, someone else is in charge (loss of control). When both problem areas can be overcome, flying will become a surmountable fear. The same is true when the fear and anxiety are caused by a close friend’s death. Once these areas are overcome, they will be put in proper perspective.

2. HELP IDENTIFY AND EXPRESS FEELINGS

It is 94 degrees on a humid August morning. The perspiration beads up on the lip immediately after wiping it off. It is hot and you perspire. This is a cause-effect relationship and is logical.

Jim, a 12 year old, watched his father eat a large ham dinner. Then he listened to him complain about how uncomfortable he felt. He was stuffed. His stomach hurt. He felt lousy. He died the next day. The ham dinner caused his death. This is a cause-effect relationship, but it is not logical.

A therapist, or support person, can help sort through the illogical or wrong-thinking that a person considers. It is important that a person identifies and expresses his feelings. Misinformation can lead to the wrong feelings. Wrong feelings can lead to a misdiagnosis. If the therapist can’t identify the source of the conflict, the groundwork cannot be laid for the resolution.

3. ASSIST IN LIVING WITHOUT THE DECEASED AND EASE EMOTIONAL WITHDRAWAL

When someone dies an emotional tie has been severed. This bond, which has been cut off, needs healing. This can occur as a temporary bonding in a new relationship that helps the survivor adjust. After all, a new void has been created and must be filled. Hopefully the bonding may become of a more permanent nature and the new friend becomes an important part of the survivor’s future.

Louise was finding it difficult to do every-day jobs around the house. It was difficult for her to even grocery shop since her husband died. It wasn’t that their relationship was so interdependent; it was that it just had been for 23 years. She found living without him difficult; she was so used to having him around. Life just wasn’t the same.

Louise’s friend, Dorothy, offered her emotional and practical support. Louise pointed out that cooking for one was boring and lonely. Dorothy suggested inviting a few friends over for lunch, joining a bridge club, or taking an early evening class at the local high school.

Louise still found it difficult to live without her husband, but with Dorothy’s assistance, she would survive. Rather than having the feeling that she was overwhelmed by silence and that it was easier to withdraw, she was going to recover because of the emotional and practical help from her friend.

4. ALERT YOURSELF TO TIME

It should be understood from the beginning, that there is no real set amount of time to grieve, as long as the survivor continues to move ahead. The survivor should feel that he has as much time as he needs to grieve. As the months progress there should be a lessening of the intensity of grief behavior, and a lessening of the frequency of grief behavior.

Remember, grieving times are different for different people. Do not worry that because “Joe” recovered from “Vicki’s” death in five months, that you should recover in the same amount of time. One of the most important elements of surviving is being able to take the time to grieve. This is not a luxury you allow yourself, but a necessity.

5. INTERPRET NORMAL BEHAVIOR

What is normal behavior after a spouse, parent, sibling, or child dies? Are fits of temper normal? What about suicidal thoughts immediately following the death? If you talk to the deceased, aloud or silently, are you crazy? What if you write the deceased a letter? What if you turn your anger toward the attending physician? He should have done more. He could have done more.

All of these reactions are normal. Anger, denial, bargaining, and acceptance are normal grief behaviors. If the survivor goes through any of these steps, it is all right. In fact, it has already been pointed out that it may help in the recovery process to do one or more of these behaviors. Sometimes writing a letter to the deceased is a way of saying the things you never had a chance to say. Or, writing an angry letter to the attending physician which you put away to look at later, can be a release for your grief. Perhaps it is best to keep in mind that what happens to you is normal for you.

6. ALLOW FOR INDIVIDUAL DIFFERENCES

Everyone grieves differently. It bears repeating because people forget. Joe takes five months; Sue takes eight months; and Harry seems fine after one year. No two people grieve the same way.

Some people are melancholy. They withdraw from friends and other family members. They are unable to talk about the deceased or the death.

Some people are phlegmatic. They are unmotivated, lm, easy-going, or laid back. Nothing seems to excite or stimulate them. They do not appear to be upset.

Some people are choleric. They are the militant, perfectionist types who seek rigid responses to death and life situations. These people see only one possible way to grieve: their way.

Finally, some people may be sanguine. Life goes on so must they. They are bubbly, vivacious and out ing. It may seem that they are avoiding or denying the death. However, they are dealing with it in their own way. Just as there is no real time limit in which to mourn, there is no one particular way in which to mourn either.

7. GIVE CONTINUED SUPPORT

This final step in grief assistance could be considered most important for recovery. It is critical for growth that the survivor be able to admit that he needs help. When he admits needing support, he is letting himself be vulnerable. So many people do not want to be vulnerable again because it leaves them open for hurt. Allowing one’s self to be vulnerable means that the survivor is moving from the searching stage to the resolution stage.

Another critical area is in giving support. A surviving spouse should remember that his support is needed by surviving friends and family just as much as he needs support from them. Everyone who was touched by the deceased during her lifetime, feels some loss at her death.

Again, there is no time limit as to when this mutual support system shuts down.

Two years after Michael’s death, Jane and her friend, Mary, were going through some unmarked boxes in the attic hoping to find some interesting donations for the church’s annual rummage sale. Jane found some postcards that she and Michael had sent the kids when they went on that “second honeymoon.” Jane began to cry and Mary held onto her knowing that even after two years a survivor needs to cry and needs to be supported.

EXERCISE

1. Write a letter to the loved one who has died, telling him/her how you feel, what you have been doing, and read it aloud.

2. Carry on a “conversation” with the loved one about normal, every-day activities.

3. Make a list of the people who also knew the loved one. Which ones need your support? What kind of support can you give them? What kind of support do they need that you can’t provide? How can you become mutually supportive?

4. Explain to your group what type of supportive action you most need right now.

Canine, J. D. (1990) I Can I Will: Maximum Living Bereavement Support Group Guide. Birmingham, Michigan. Ball Publishers.

THE PROCRASTINATOR 

The person who falls into this category believes that if grief is postponed, put on hold for a while, it will go away. The procrastinator doesn’t realize the need to grieve a loss or feels that grieving is a sign of weakness. He will do this later when the time is right. Unfortunately, as the delaying occurs, the grief builds within and typically comes out in a variety of ways that do not best serve the needs of the survivor. This avoidance/denial may lead to a depressed state and a long-term depression is not good for the survivor.

THE DISPLACER 

When someone has felt the pain of losing a loved one to death, he should direct his feelings of grief toward the deceased. The person who doesn’t do this is a displacer. The displacer is the person who consciously, or unconsciously, directs the feelings of grief toward an object other than the deceased. He needs to direct the grief toward an object and will do so. The object, however, may be a business associate, friend, spouse, or companion. A survivor may be habitually agitated over insignificant occurrences, or may complain excessively. Although usually unaware of this displacement, there may be some conscious knowledge of what is happening.

THE SUBSTITUTER

The person who uses this avoidance pattern takes the feeling and emotions that were present during a significant relationship prior to death and gives them to another person building a relationship hastily and prematurely. It is usually an unconscious replacement effort on the part of the survivor. He is using the substitute as a way of avoiding the grief and acknowledging the death.

Remember, there are “3 C’s” to follow for re-entry to the world post-grief. They are: companionship, commonality, and commitment. There is no time limit for simple companionship, but if it is to be a good companionship, it must be based on those things which you have in common (commonality), and, finally, when you are ready to commit to a relationship, it shows a trust has developed and the search(ing stage) is over.

THE DECREASER

This person works at decreasing the amount of grief that is felt. He realizes the grief feelings, but through various rationalizations waters down those feelings. The Decreaser looks to God for support and usually gets it. He also tries to convince himself as well as others that he is not so critically affected by the loss as one might think or expect. Onlookers and acquaintances will see and hear someone who acts and talks as if he is doing fine and is back to his normal routine.

Rationalizations and dilutions are fine. Who doesn’t go through a day without a few really good rationalizations? But, they cannot be used to decrease the importance of grief.

THE HYPOCHONDRIAC

Hypochondria is not to be laughed at, nor dismissed lightly. To the hypochondriac, the symptoms felt are very real and very perplexing. The pain felt in the left side of the chest is not merely a symbolic broken heart, it is as real to the survivor as a bleeding cut.

What happens to the survivor in this situation is that the feelings of grief are changed into very real physical symptoms. These symptoms can range from minor complaints to severe inhibiting disorders called: “Somaticization Disorder.” Somatic (referring to the body) disorders can be multiple, vague complaints with no physical reason. The pain and discomfort, however, are very real to the survivor and should not be dismissed lightly.

EXERCISE

Here are five examples of the grief avoidance patterns discussed above. Read each example and identify the pattern it represents.

(1) Joe was devastated when Margie died. He never thought he could find someone like her until he met Judith. Even though he only knew Judith five weeks, he was sure this was love and she should be his wife. They were married within six months but he didn’t understand why he felt something was missing, as if there were unfinished business on his part.

(2) Jim came to support sessions complaining about the incompetence of his employees. These were the same people who, only a month earlier, had been so competent that they kept the company running smoothly while he was grieving. Now everything they did ended in some difficulty that only he could repair. It didn’t matter how trivial or important. He was the one to make things better.

(3) Ben and Jack were all set to have the headstone put in place at their father’s grave. But when the date for setting the headstone arrived, Ben had arranged a business trip at the same time. It’s not that he didn’t want to be there; he just couldn’t (face it) yet. Maybe in another month.

(4) Mack went to his internist after his brother’s death. They had been very close and the death had forced Mack to re-evaluate his own physical wellbeing. He had begun to feel a numbness in his left arm and was worried that it was a precursor of something much worse. After exhausting all medical tests there was found to be no biological, neurological, or physical cause for his pain.

(5) Janice was heard to remark: “My volunteer work keeps me so busy. I’m glad to be back in the mainstream, helping others. I’m fine. Who would have thought I’d be doing this only two months after David’s death?”

Answers to Exercise Five

1. The Substituter

2. The Displacer

3. The Procrastinator

4. The Hypochondriac

5. The Decreaser

Canine, J. D. (1990) I Can I Will: Maximum Living Bereavement Support Group Guide. Birmingham, Michigan. Ball Publishers.