I’ve wanted to write this poem for a while but would break down every time I tried. A couple months ago, my friend Chaos (Ellie) killed herself because of bullying. I was basically her only friend and it tore me up more then any one else as far as I know.

I learned through her though, that suicide shouldn’t be an option and even if it affects only one person, I don’t want to put anyone through the pain I had to go through.

I wrote this for the It Gets Better contest and I thank the person who runs it, because I finally got these thoughts out.

Words grip tight

among her heart

Like the noose she ties

Around her neck

Stinging like frostbite

Freezing now, and later

Burning into her soul

like the pills in her stomach

Past voices of praise and love

Fading away faster daily

Replaced by the sounds

of gunshots in her ear

Fists attacking for popularity

Bitches slapping away their insecurities

Bruises only slightly worse

The her self induced cuts

Images of scowls and glares

Engraved in her mind

Flashing behind her eyes

As she sits upon the bridge

She took the way out

Suicidal considerations

Push her over the edge

Making her step off that chair

Discovering her death

by our main form of communication

Every else ignores the status

Like they ignored her cries for help

I’m still the only one who cares

Taking the blade to my wrists

Ready to finally meet her

Nothing keeping me here

Then I realize how I feel

Why make another feel like this

Lead one of my friends

To take their lives too

A never ending cycle of death

I can stop it here and now

Put the blades and pills away

Just cry and write

Don’t forget the emotions

Spread samples to others

Share the pain as a warning

Death doesn’t have to be the answer

Stay strong for her memory

Stop the cycles of the broken

Remind people it will pass

You can make it through

I wrote this poem for a contest on AllPoetry. There is a self harm trigger warning, so be cautious.

Running to the bathroom

Can’t stand the dinner table

Flinging open stall doors

Chasing release

Blades stowed in my purse

Sinking into my flesh

Scarlet  and Ruby

Splashing upon my leg

Adenoidal voice approaches

“You all good?”

“It’s all good.”

I reply, erasing spilt emotion

Exit with a smile

Return and nosh on

No regards to my absence

No awareness to my relapse

I’d have to put my blade in my drink

For any consternation

Had to write a book report for school on the book A Lesson Before Dying by Ernest Gaines. It had to have quotes and literary devices and answer a theme and is basically boring but figured I’d post it because I wrote it.

Gaines shares A Lesson Before Dying
2 men stuck in unpleasant situations
One in prison, black man caught near dead people
One teaching, trapped by guilt of religion
Surrounded by hindering communities
Trying to help, yet showing no true support

Jefferson locked in a cage, visited by loved ones
“Youmans don’t stay in no stall like this,”
“I’m an old hog they fattening up to kill”
Lost and upset, feeling he has little value
Family doesn’t understand, he feels no better then a hog

Monotony of pecan trees growing and fire burning
Wiggins teaching in the church that raised him
Everyone ashamed his faith is lost
Surrounded by disappointment and told he must stay
“Nothing but ignorance here.” “It’s too late.”
“Go on and be the nigger you were born to be, but forget about life.”

Black men in this age must have faith
Trust God will save you if you walk as a man
Trust God will save you if you make him a man
“They must believe, if only to free the mind.”
When the Zap of the chair kills

The inescapable pasts will always catch up
No matter how many rivers you cry
“Twelve white men say a black man must die.”
In the end, you try to please those who did so much for you
“They sent you to school to relive pain…and if you have to lie, then you lie.”
That’s the Lesson Before Dying

August 23^rd 2009

As i lie in bed I think of her. She is so amazing just so perfect for me. Its like we  were meant to be. In this  huge world with the millions of people I found her. My soulmate.  No soulmate is a stupid word.  My, well yeah soulmate. We just came across eachother two months ago. She stumbled into the room and picked my name out of a long list. I still remember the convorsation.

BeachGurl552:Hey sexy

GeekMaster: sexy eh? you dont even know what i look like

BeachGurl552:well uve got a picture.is that not u?

GeekMaster:oh yeah hahaha i forgot about that.

BeachGurl552:lol i like forgetful men they dont cause trouble in the morning. i can run off and theve got no problems.

GeekMaster: lol fiesty.

Yeah she came on kinda strong. But hey Im a man I’ve got no problems with that. And she even thinks I’m sexy. Hehe she is very sexuly oriented. Perfect for me! But now I lay in my bed and shes not here. I dont know if she will ever be here but I am getting very attached to her.

August 24^th 2009

*Beep beep beep*

Another morning. All alone I get up and go to work. Sit at my desk all day. “Marker’s Insurance what can

I help you with today?” Lunch break comes around but no one really socialezs. We all sit in the break

room watching whatever the hell is on tv like robots. I assume everyone in this room has a life. Not

nessicarily a life like mine, but kids, siblings, friends. Or maybe their only contact with the human on

my species is when they fall asleep and snore on my shoulder. Ew slobber.

I Drive home after a few more grueling hours of work and then starts my exciting day! I grab a 6 pack of

beer I turn on my laptop. I take a piss and when I come back to my desk  and opened my VOIP. No mirrors are around but I can feel the smile on my face.  Sitting down, I turn on my webcam and start broadcasting. Sure enough she comes in within a minute.

BeachGurl552: Good afternoon

GeekMaster: Hello my dear!

GeekMaster: Your webcam on?

BeachGurl552: Yeah gimee a sec

GeekMaster:K

*BeachGurl552 wants to video chat. Accept or Deny?*

“Hey Steve!”

“Hey baby how are you?” I take a sip of my beer and lean back in my chair. I know this is going to be an enjoyable night.

“Im better now! My day is always so monotonous until I log on and talk to you.”

“You know I feel the same.”

“El-oh-el!”

God I love how she says that. Just a little quirk you may say but it can make me smile even if I’ve had the worst week ever. she can make me laugh and laugh like there were  never any problems.

She continued, “You are such a sweetie! So how was your day?”

“Uh nothing really eventful at work. I got slobbered on haha. But I feel  much better now that you are here.  How was your day Ms. Uh BeachGurl552?”

“It’s ok you can call me Mandy or Amanda just not when others are around.”

“OK  Amanda.”

“Haha make it sound all formal! So anyway my day was fine we had great weather  today! It was busy at work though.”

“Didja get any action?”

“I don’t know if CPR really counts as action, dear. Haha.”

“So I take that as a no?” Wow I can just imagine going to that beach and drowning. Her wet body coming to get me in the dangerous ocean.  Pulling me out of the water and throwing  me on the warm, grainy sand.  Her  pink lips come towards me as her hands thrust up anddown on my chest.

“Steve?”

“Sorry spacing haha.”

“Oh are you tired? I can leave if you want to go to sleep.”

“No! No way! I love talking to you. I’m just so sober.”As I laugh I think, ah the glory of alcohol it can be an excuse for just  about everything.

“Oh ok. So um whats up?”

“Oh what did you dream about last night babe?”

“Haha well I fell asleep playing Final Fantasy 13 so I dreamed that I was Vanille and you were Snow and we were walking in this big like snow field and we see something moving,”

“Wait.”

“What?”

“You dreamt of me last night?” I could feel myself smiling. She feels for me. She cares.

“Uh yeah!  Haha anyways so we see this thing moving and when we go up to it we see it’s a baby chokobo! “ She paused for a second.

“Then what?”  I hoped that was an appropriate thing to say. I hadn’t been listening to her words just her voice and the fact that she dreamt of me as I did every night was so unreal! She actually thinks of me when she is alone in bed. Hehe fun.

“Geez so impatient anyways so it was this adorable baby chokobo and you tell me not to pick it up because we don’t know if it’s mom is around and I do anyway because well, I’m Vanille. Haha so I pick it up and it is so small and cute then all of a sudden it starts screaming and I drop it. You yell RUN and as we do it becomes a giant Behemoth!”

“Wow! That sounds scary!”

“No way! I had my Snow man to protect me! Haha.”

“Hahaha I’m your snow man eh?” Ah a new nickname!

“Yeah! And you keep me cool on hot California days! Haha.”

The smile on her face was so vibrant. She was like a little girl trapped in a 22 year old’s body. Oh how I wanted to be her snowman and keep her cool. Haha ok that is a bit ridiculous but I’d love to hug her.

“Hey Steve,” She continued,” I will be right back!”

“OK hurry!”  I chugged another beer while she fluttered away and hoped she would hurry. I feel like even though it’s a webcam chat, I can get close to her and really understand her more. Everytime we talk I feel like I need to talk to her more and be with her more. They say you should never fall in love with someone you don’t meet in real life, but I’m getting close. To love that is. I don’t know it’s probably stupid.

August  25^th 2009

Damn it. I fell asleep while talking to her. Stupid time difference . She lives in California which is 3 hours behind me here in Maine. I mean yesterday she’s talking about how busy it was at the beach she works at and this morning it’s snowing here. Not to mention she is already up and out and about, while I’m sleeping. Will this ever work? Ugh why do I even keep thinking about her.  Oh yeah because my life outside of her is so boring. She gives my life a light. Wow I sound so cheesy. OK time to go sell insurance. Woo-Hoo.

I grabbed another 6 pack of beer on the way home, since I totalled them last night. I hope she’s  not upset with me. She always sings me to sleep. Haha her voice is so angelic and she doesn’t even realize it!   Luckily work today was quick and fairly painless.  So was that drive. Wow I got home fast! Ok I have to log on quickly. I would hate myself if I missed her.

BeachGurl552: Hey sleepyhead!

GeekMaster: hey mandy! I’m sooooooooooo sorry bout last night.  Ur voice was just so soothing

BeachGurl552:  lol whatever

GeekMaster: so how has ur day been?

MIGHTYMOUSE has entered the room

BeachGurl552:  My day has been fine and hey mightymouse whats up?

MIGHTYMOUSE: WOW UR FCKIN HOT BEACHGURL.

MIGHTYMOUSE: DO U TAKE THE BIKINIOFF?

MIGHTYMOUSE: ID TAP THAT

GeekMaster: Mighty Mouse dude, stop

MIGHTYMOUSE: FUCK OFF GEEKMASTER LET THIS PRETTY LIL LADY GET A REAL MAN

GeekMaster: Seriously…

MIGHTYMOUSE: BABY ID FUCK U ALL NIGHT TILL U SCREAM

MIGHTYMOUSE was kicked from the room by GeekMaster

GeekMaster:  Sorry I know you like to give everyone in the room a chance but im not that nice. He was pissing me off. No right to treat u like that.

BeachGurl552: Aw my wittle hero! Lol its ok he was obviously a troll.

GeekMaster:  Wanna webcam chat my dear?

BeachGurl552: Sure!

BeachGurl552 wants to webcam chat. Accept or Deny?

I hit accept and I swear my pants got bigger. I don’t mean to be perverted but she looks so gorgeous tonight! Her brown hair is curled to perfection and she’s in a bikini on a beach! Her face is clean and she looks just priceless!

“Like my new view? I felt like watching the sunset tonight and I’d love if you watch with me!”

“Of course! But then I’d have to stop looking at you…” SHIT that was so dumb! Why did I say that! Stupid male instinct to use cheesy pick-up lines!”

“El-Oh-Ell. You make me smile! The beach is empty so it’s pretty quiet. I’d bring you with me to the water but I don’t want my laptop to get wet.”

“Haha I hope this isn’t weird but I’d love to be there with you splashing in the water and.” Woo!  Thank goodness I stopped talking. I was going to say looking at your beautiful smile. Thank god for my inner filter.

“And? Haha what were you going to say?”

“Oh nothing never mind haha. Beautiful beach!”

“Don’t try to distract me! You know I hate neverminds. Come on please tell me!”

Ugh how can I resist her? I swear if she asked  for a million dollars I’d give it to her!  Her smile is so white.  Knowing California, it’s probably professionally whitened.  But she doesn’t seem  like that kind of girl. I look at her face ad she looks upset and angry. Yet so beautiful!

“I was just going to say you have a gorgeous smile.”

“Oh! Hehe thanks! However your blue eyes are amazing in every way!”

“Aw thank you! I think we should go sit by the water.”

“Ok. I just wish you were actually here,” she sighed, “ I get  so lonely sometimes and wish you were actually here. You are my only decent friend and you live like 4000 miles away. It may sound dumb, but I wish my snowman were here to hold my hand and watch the sunset with me. For real…”

Her voice kind of trailed off.I wanted to tell her how much I wished for the same thing, but it felt like a moment of slience. She picked up the laptop and went to the water line. She layed on the blanket and the laptop was set perfectly so I could see her face in front of the water. While she sat and watched the sun set over the calming ocean, I admired her face and didn’t mean to speak but when I did I said, “You are so beautiful.” And kind of sighed.

“Thank you Steve. You give me so much confidence and joy.

“Amanda?”

“Yeah?” she said and turned her head towards me. I looked so old compared to her, sitting in my chair in my living room with beer around me, wearing an old tshirt.

“I love you. I, I didn’t want to fall in love with you,but after these few months of talking, I can’t think of  a better person for me.”

It was silent at first and then she got up and giggled. “Aw I love ya too!” It was obviously not sincere.  I’m not sure if I’m happy because there is no commitment, or hurt because she doesn’t feel the same way. I sat in silence as she talked about California beauty.

“Yeah California is pretty and all but I want to travel! Maybe see somewhere like Maine…”

“You wanna come visit me Mandy?”

“I think it would be cool to meet you! I mean we get along so well! Although, you would think I would of learned something about online relationships after Lance. But oh well! I make my own decisions I’m a big girl.”

She seemed to be saying this more to herself then me. One thing she said really caught my attention though. “Who’s Lance?” She hesitated for a moment or two. “You don’t need to tell me if it is hard, but I’d like to know.”

“He is a guy I met online about  5 years ago. I was 17 and he was 29. We met in a chat room and talked for like eight hours that night. He gave me his email address and later that week I messaged him. We started to talk nearly every day and I fell in love with him. He said he loved me too and wanted to meet me. We only lived a few hours away so he drove up to see me.

“It was my mistake giving him my address. As soon as I opened the door, he attacked me,” Her voie started quivering, “Before  I knew it my pants were off. It was so unexpected. I loved him so I barely fought back.  I didn’t understand. Within an hour he was gone.I told my mom. She ended up filing  a lawsuit and since I was a minor, he got sentenced to life in prison.”

She started crying and I couldn’t understand her words anymore. Something else about her mom. I tried to soothe her. “It’s ok. He’s not here now. Everything is fine. You will be ok.” I kept repeating these lines to her hoping they would help.  I know this would be easier if I was there. But of course, I’m not.

August 26^th 2009

I really regret telling her the truth last night. I don’t even know if it is the truth. The words just busted out of my mouth. I mean, I  know I care for her, but love is a big word.  After hearing what she said last night, she has been hurt. I’m just a 23 year old in fucking Maine! Me telling her I love her won’t help her life in anyway. Unless I do something like fly down there and propose. But I don’t think I can do that. Maybe. I guess that is the real question defining love.

I’m at work now and can’t stop thinking about that guy Lance. I mean who could do that to anyonelet alone someone as sweet as Amanda? And I had to tell her I fucking loved her. I cant even  talk to her tonight and apologize because she is working. I guess I will go to a bar with my pal Jimmy.

August 30th 2009

BeachGurl552: HEY YOU!

I swear I’ve been online for a week straight and she hasn’t been on. I was almost upset but now that she’s here I feel  like the world has fallen in place and everything is ok.

BeachGurl552 wants to webcam chat. Accept or Deny?

“Hey Mandy!” I  just  realized there is another girl with her and they seem kinda loopy.

“Wasssssssup?” said the new girl.

“Shhhhh um uh Grace! Hey Steeeeve! This is my best friend Grace!”

Wow they are shitfaced. I want to talk to her, but not both of them, and not like this.

“Uh hi girls. Amanda can I talk to you alone for a sec?”

“Amanda? N no no her name is Luuuuucy!”  As soon as “Grace” said this, I froze. Is BeachGurl552’s name really Lucy? Why would she lie to me about something that miniscule? They were giggling and squealing so much I felt like I was at a ten year old’s   slumber party. I got distracted from my thoughts when I saw Grace kissing Mandy’s neck. Oh damn it all went uphill from there.

“Hey Steve watch this!” Mandy said as she leaned in towards Grace and parted her lips. They were making out fiercly within a matter of seconds. Grace’s hand was inside Mandy’s top and things were moving  quickly. I wanted to watch and was getting into it, but I realizedit would be wrong in a way. She didn’t know what she was doing. I hesitated, but closed my browser and climbed in bed to go to sleep.

A month or so ago my Dad and I went to get our ears pierced. While waiting we were playing Angry Birds and he said he thought Angry Birds earrings would be pretty cool.  But as much as we searched the web those cute little Angry Bird Earrings could not be found anywhere. So…

WE DECIDED TO MAKE THEM!!!

Now you can get your very own Angry Birds earrings … from us!  I’m selling them here on Zairabear.com and we’re also selling them on eBay and etsy (coming soon!) But ordering your Angry Birds earrings direct from me on this site will always get you the best price (and shipping is FREE!)

This week I am going to be posting lyrics for the new Chameleon Circuit album, Still Got Legs. If you do not know the band, they play “Trock” also known as Time Lord Rock. (Meaning songs about Doctor Who) Check them out and buy their album here!

http://dftba.com/product/xr/Still-Got-Legs-Pre-Order-Ships-July-12

DFTBA!!!

Youtuber? Nerdfighter? Awesome person? Please check out my youtube channel!

http://www.youtube.com/zairabear

The Sound Of Drums

Can you hear them?
They’re coming
They’re in the signal
They’re in my head

Is it only me?
Am the only one to be called?
This pounding in my ears
Is calling me to rule the world

Rule the universe
As the Master of your fate
Can you hear the drums?
Don’t try to fight them, it’s too late

Each time lord child
Approaches the eye
Forced to behold the vortex
To be inspired or run
But as I gazed into the vastness of time
I heard the sound of drums

Can you hear them?
They’re coming
They’re in the signal
They’re in my head

Can you hear them?
They’re coming
They’re in the signal
They’re in my head

In professor’s guise
Oh, Doctor, Doctor
You have healed me
You are not alone
It took you far too long to see me

Now I lay in your arms
Mortally wounded in your care
I’ll leave you here forever
Last of the timelords once again

(Don’t leave me now
Think of all we’ve done together
Think of all the vanquished foes
Think of all that we could be)

It would be hell for me
Imprisoned here forever
With you

(No, please! You’ve got to, please!
We’re the only ones left!
Please just… Regenerate!)

Can you hear them?
(In my dreams they’re calling)
They’re coming
(And every waking moment)
They’re in the signal
(I hear the vortex calling)
They’re in my head

Can you hear them?
(I hear the sound)
They’re coming
(The sound of drums)
They’re in the signal
They’re in my head

*I know, I know, this is not Chameleon Circuit lyrics…but I needed to post it. I wrote this for a school poetry project and kinda like it. What do you think?*

Reunite

Swirling through my head

are the thoughts of him

Probably more now

then when I saw him

I keep picturing

his so loving arms

Reaching out for me

when reuniting

Never again though

will his arms hold me

You can’t reunite

with a deceased boy

You can only picture

his soft angled nose

Imagine the look

he made when you smiled

Hear his unique laugh

the real and fake one

Feel his fingers cross

in and out through yours

But these thoughts are

the only sight of him

Communication

is limited now

Memories are the

only way to

Reunite

This week I am going to be posting lyrics for the new Chameleon Circuit album, Still Got Legs. If you do not know the band, they play “Trock” also known as Time Lord Rock. (Meaning songs about Doctor Who) Check them out and buy their album here!

http://dftba.com/product/xr/Still-Got-Legs-Pre-Order-Ships-July-12

DFTBA!!!

Big Bang Two

The Doctor’s stuck in the Pandorica,
Amy might be dead and Rory’s a Roman with a gun inside his hand -
Seems like things aren’t going as planned

River’s in the TARDIS,
The TARDIS is on fire,
She’s feeling the heat,
On repeat she’ll require,
Someone she can trust,
Someone with a bow tie,
But he’s been locked up
And left to die.

Oh my God what will they do
Seems impossible to get through,
My mind is blown I bet yours is too,
Well I guess this is Doctor Who.

Rory’s quite distressed and he starts to sob
When the Doctor appears with a mop,
“Get me out of the Pandorica.”
“But you’re not in the Pandorica.”
“Yes I am, well, yes I was, it’s complicated but I won’t explain it now because… ”
Then he disappeared into a hazy fuzz,
That man I can’t explain why he does the things he does.

Oh my God I don’t I don’t have a clue
These paradoxes are hard to construe
My mind is blown I bet yours is too,
Well I guess this is Doctor Who.

It’s the Big Bang Two and I need to review what on earth just happened before my eyes.
Time has gone askew the universe has too
I’ll try to explain to you the Big Bang Two,
The Big Bang Two.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/charlie_mcdonnell/the_big_bang_2.html ]
The Doctor’s got River’s vortex manipulator,
Which he’ll use to meet Rory 2000 years later
When they meet Amy after her sleep in the box.

They realise the sun is really the exploding TARDIS.
Doctor saves River from the imitating star.
This woman watches back can’t help but point out the obvious.

Oh my God he’s wearing a fez,
Oh my God he’s wearing a fez,
Oh my God he’s wearing a fez,
Oh my God he’s wearing a fez.

A Dalek pops up out of nowhere
Shoots the Doctor kills him quite unfair
He jumps back 12 minutes to the stairs,
He’s dead,
And everyone despairs.

Little do they know the Doctor lies
He’s gone stopping the universes demise.
Amy says her last goodbyes,
Doctor flies up into the skies.

The universe is back it’s true
But the Doctors said his final adieu,
Maybe he’ll come back if she remembers you.

It’s the Big Bang Two and I need to review What on earth just happened before my eyes.
Time has been renewed the universe has too,
But Amy still can’t help but cry.

Someone’s missing, the question’s who.
Then she remembers -
Something old
Something new
Something borrowed,
Something blue.
And that’s the Big Bang Two.
I hope it didn’t confuse you.
Youtuber? Nerdfighter? Awesome person? Please check out my youtube channel!

http://www.youtube.com/zairabear

This week I am going to be posting lyrics for the new Chameleon Circuit album, Still Got Legs. If you do not know the band, they play “Trock” also known as Time Lord Rock. (Meaning songs about Doctor Who) Check them out and buy their album here!

http://dftba.com/product/xr/Still-Got-Legs-Pre-Order-Ships-July-12

DFTBA!!

Teenage Rebel

I’ve had so many different faces

So many different personalities

My tastes change, I get cravings

There’s some things you can’t take away from me

You can’t stop me dreaming

I used to be old, but now I feel young

‘Cause I was a boy when I learned how to run

I could never be settled in one time or place

I won’t ever stop

‘Cause I know what’s right

Get in my way, I will burst into light

I keep dying and living and changing my ways

But I was a teenage rebel and that stayed the same

It might feel like you’re defeated

but I know that we all long to be set free

So overcome your monsters

Rise up, there is just one thing that you need

Something to believe in

I used to be old but now I feel young

‘Cause I was a boy when I learned how to run

I could never be settled in one time or place

I won’t ever stop

‘Cause I know what’s right

Get in my way, I will burst into light

I keep dying and living and changing my ways

But I was a teenage rebel and that stayed the same

I used to be old, but now I feel young

‘Cause I was a boy when I learned how to run

I could never be settled in one time or place

I won’t ever stop

‘Cause I know what’s right

Get in my way, I will burst into light

I keep dying and living and changing my ways

But I was a teenage rebel and that stayed the same

Youtuber? Nerdfighter? Awesome person? Please check out my youtube channel!

http://www.youtube.com/zairabear