~The Dark in You~

MAR presents True Telemarketer Tales 10

2013-05-10T23:22:00.002-05:00

The big number ten! I never thought I'd get TEN whole comics so fast! This job ROCKS!!!
As always, all comics are based on 100% true calls, names, and situations.

#10

Sassy Gay Hitler

2013-05-09T12:40:00.002-05:00

Brad - I'm gonna photoshop a dead horse wand for ya. :=P

Brad - Ooo, Hitler smiley got all sassy with you!

Stacy - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Brad - That shirt and those shoes? Nein, bish. :=P

Brad - OMG, I want a sassy gay Hitler sketch.

Stacy - LMFJAO! (laughing my fucking Jewish ass off)

Brad - Oops, looks like I'M the flaming one, now! Heil yeah! *snaps* :=P

Brad - It totally writes itself.

Stacy - HAHAHAHAHA!

Morning Chats with Stacy & Brad

2013-05-09T11:19:00.001-05:00

Been a while since I have done one of these:

Stacy - We have to do a SUMMER WATCH 2013. You definitely have to go to the airport with me to pick her up. :D

Brad - 'kay... you do know I work nights and sleep days, right? When is she arriving?

Stacy - Noon on Thursday the 30th.

Brad - Fine. Just remind me to go to bed early on Wednesday.

Stacy - "Fine"? :-/

Brad - I just woke up. "Fine" is sleepyese for "Huzzah! We shall goeth forth and picketh up Lady Summer! Oh, joy!"

Stacy - LOL, silly boy.

Brad - That's why you keep me around.

Stacy - So, if you had to guess what size you are... what would that size be?

Brad - Hefty. For what?!

Stacy - Shirt wise.

Brad - X-Large.

Stacy - Are you sure XL?!?!

Brad - Yep.

Stacy - Dude, you have a 52 chest?

Brad - o_0 Th' hell if I know! Last time I measured anything on my body, it wasn't my CHEST... I should also point out that I was 13 at the time... kinda sad to think of a grown ass man doing that... anyhooooooo...

Stacy - LMFAO ROTF. Nothing wrong with measuring... anything.

Brad - I'm good. I don't feel the need to prove anything. I'm secure in my... chest size.

Princess Pig

2013-05-09T02:52:00.000-05:00

Here's a story:

Once upon a pig farm, there lived a passel of pigs (a passel is what you call a group of pigs). One day, the fancy Princess Pig of the group, with her fancy Princess Pig jewelry and fancy Princess Pig dress, stood up from the crowd that was bathing in the mud and proclaimed, "My word! Look at us! Bathing in MUD! We should learn to be more proper than that! We should evolve! We should be more than what we are!" To which the other pigs replied with, "Dude! I mean, your highness! If we don't bathe in the mud, we will surely perish! We cannot sweat, therefore, we have to find other means to cool ourselves off!" Princess Pig let off a royal snort, "Fools! Strive to overcome yourself! Don't give into nature! Be free of the tyranny of your filth! Be more than yourself!" All the other pigs just dismissed her with gruff honks and horks as they dove deep into the cooling mud puddles. Later that day they found Princess Pig laying on a clean smooth stone with her tiara slightly tilted. She wasn't breathing and smelled of a freshly cooked southern breakfast.

Moral of the story: be yourself or else you are going to DIE! ^_^

MAR presents True Telemarketer Tales 06, 07, 08, & 09

2013-05-09T01:08:00.001-05:00

I present to you not one, not two, not three, but FOUR comics! ^_^

Based on 100% true calls, names, and conversations!

#06

#07

#08

#09

MAR presents True Telemarketer Tales 05

2013-05-04T13:22:00.002-05:00

Telemarketers are like Ghostface from Scream; you can TRY to hang up on them, but the call is coming from inside the house! I mean... they're just gonna call back.

You should really know what to do by now...

MAR presents True Telemarketer Tales 04

2013-05-03T00:59:00.000-05:00

Bueller...? Bueller...? Bueller.............?

Righty tighty, lefty clicky.

MAR presents True Telemarketer Tales 03

2013-05-01T16:57:00.001-05:00

Who keeps naming these walking dick jokes? Stand-up comedians and bullies?!

Mouse+Button=Joy!

Side story: At work, I took a call and asked for Leonardo. Right next to me, another employee asked for Raphael. Not comic worthy, but worth mentioning that we're calling friggin' turtles.

MAR presents True Telemarketer Tales 02

2013-04-28T20:09:00.004-05:00

They just keep on comin'! ^_^ As always, these are 100% true.

Clickity Clack!!

MAR presents True Telemarketer Tales 01

2013-04-28T06:54:00.003-05:00

I found a new place to get material from! ^_^ I can vouch for all of these calls. They are 100% true.

Get to clickin' already!!

MAR 10 - Going Retro!

2013-04-19T20:48:00.002-05:00

I was bored at work today, so I decided to bring back MAR in retro style. ^_^

Clickity Click!

R.I.P. "Shit Other People Say"

2013-02-04T14:14:00.000-06:00

Hello, mah peeps. I know I have not written anything in a very long time, once again, and for that I'm truly sorry. Life stuffs keeps getting in the way. The reason for this post is because one of my other blogs that I created on a whim, shitotherpeoplesay.com, is dying. It is not nearly as popular as I thought that it might be. I received an e-mail stating that the domain that I purchased for this blog is going to expire soon. Since I have no job at the moment and its glaring lack of traffic, I decided to not renew it and just archive what I have posted here. It will live on as a totally separate segment here, so feel free to keep them coming in. Just e-mail to ZaxxonQ@ZaxxonQ.com and I'd be more than happy to post it up here with a polite nod to you for your contribution. A nod is all I can afford. :-P

So, here ya have it... the entire collection of Shit Other People Say:

I don't think this yoga class is legit.

My Internal Dialogue for Other People:

(scene - couple exiting yoga class across the street)

Woman: Your Downward Dog was excellent, but your Pooping Hobo needs work.

Man: Your Reverse Warrior was spot on, but you kinda fumbled on the Weeping Stripper.

Here we have the Woman in Forest After Many Evians

Sticky Buddy Dub

Okay, I did not make this, but I really feel that this should be on this site. This has made so many people BAWL with tears of laughter tonight, myself included. I. Could. Not. Breathe!!! X-D

St. Paddy's Shenanigans

Overheard at The Mucky Duck bar while enjoying green beer in celebration of St. Patrick's Day:

"You motorboating son of a bitch! C'mere!"

"Our bodies can't digest the dye they use for the green beer. We're all gonna have diarrhea for a week."

"Which of us do you think would survive a zombie apocalypse?"

"*inaudible* Blaahhhrrggggh I'd fokin' take his gun an' mmuurphle pop his grrraaaahh..."

*waiting for a turn in the restroom as someone exits the stall* "Thank you." o_0 Thank you??? WTF?

Shrew you!

I love it when people mangle grammar! ^_^

"Aannnddd that's the end of commenting on anything for me. Done getting shrew remarks."

A "Shrew Remark"

We hire a classy bunch...

Overheard at work:

"You heard from Nicole? No? Call her, and make sure she ain't in jail."

-Steph

Inking!

Totally made up conversation in my head:

Woman: I want a tattoo.

Man: What?! No! That's tacky and filthy! That's like telling me you want to have sex with Charlie Sheen!

Woman: Nah, the tattoo would be easier to wash off.

RAWR!

Overheard:

Horrid talking twig with hair to another girl: OMG! Did you see Sally?! She's gotten so big! She's practically 'obeast'!

Me thinking: Bitch, it's 'obese', not 'obeast'. She's not an animal, just fat. Also, just because you can slide in and pick a lock with your head doesn't make anyone bigger than you obese.

Adele, on the other, hand is obeast.

Like a wharf on a hot summer's eve...

Munch on brunch.

(scene: two people, a guy and a girl, eating brunch.)

Guy: Oh my god, that's so dry! *joking* Is that cornmeal or sand?!

Girl: *dead serious* Oh no, that's cornmeal.

Guy: *poker face*

(later)

Girl: There's a woman over there that looks like a... um... one of those... uh... what's the word? ...........whore.

Can't believe I found a whore eating sand for this post.

They're Grrrrr... not so good!

After being blown off yet again...

"Bitch Flakes! Flaky bitches with an indecisive coating. Wishy-washy them down with a glass of meh. Part of this balance pissed Brad. >_<"

Nasty White Creamy Goo

I HATE it when people say that mayonnaise and Miracle Whip are the same thing. >_<

Not me - "Do you want mayo or mustard?"

Me - "Mayo."

Not Me - *grabs Miracle Whip*

Me - "Um, that's not mayo..."

Not Me - "Same thing."

Me - "NO IT'S NOT, YOU LEAKY CUNT! Mayonnaise is pure, natural, and delicious! Miracle Whip is a chemical abomination from the depths of Hell shat out by Satan himself that totally RUINS any and every food item it touches!!! Why the FUCK would I want a SWEET sandwich or SUGARY deviled eggs, you culinary RETARD?!"

Happy Independence..... oh...

Overheard:

(scene: guy and girl preparing for a Fourth of July party)

Guy: So, one of my coworkers took off for seven days for the Fourth of July. Why in the hell would anyone need to celebrate for that long?!

Girl: Well, maybe his ancestors came over on the Mayflower?

Guy: Yeah... in shackles.

Girl: O_O

Is it stupid in here, or is it just you?

Headline: "Two Million Dollar Medical Bill Awaits Comatose Aurora Shooting Victim"

Moron Commenter: "At least he got to meet Christian Bale"

Me:

The Cycle

2012-12-16T19:47:00.000-06:00

Jesus Christ, it's been so long since I have actually had the time, energy, and ambition to write ANYTHING! My GOD, how I miss it!!! >_< I really need to win the lottery so I can do this shit full time! For. Real.

Or... I need to sell more of my books. Amazon.com and other links are in the sidebar for physical copies as well as eReader versions. Jusayin'. ^_-

The Cycle 12-16-12

Meet me, love me, take me, claim me,

hold me, kiss me, suck me, fuck me,

leave me, fail me, harm me, maim me,

dis me, curse me, dump me, chuck me,

tempt me, blind me, beg me, shame me,

use me, drain me, bleed me, fool me,

burn me, smoke me, torch me, flame me,

blow me, jilt me, quit me, fuel me.

I rise, I start, I love, I care,

I am, I'm me, I strive, I feel,

I walk, I move, I go, I bear,

I take, I give, I hurt... I'll heal...

The Final Hit: Weeds Series Finale

2012-09-17T02:14:00.001-05:00

Okay, this is my own personal take on the Weeds series finale, so if you have not seen it and wish to remain spoiler free, please do not continue reading...

First of all, I have to call bullshit on this entire fucking final season. This was all too rushed, tied up in a pretty bow, sent off with a phony grin, and delivered via satisfactory mail, postage paid with a whimper, which arrived all crumpled up and crushed to death. I kind of liked where it was going in the beginning as I unpacked it while flinging Styrofoam peanuts and bubble wrap everywhere, but where it ended up, which was butt fuck Egypt, was not where I would have liked to see the final destination. I feel like I have been slapped in the face and told "Here! This is what you wanted! One last season. Enjoy, you greedy mother fucker!" SO much left unanswered, so much ignored, so much more skipped over and filled in with 'happy endings'.

Weeds is not about 'happy endings'.

I have two views on this.

My first view: Make a movie. Give us one big last hurrah. One more huge issue to overcome. One last 'big bad'. One more final heroic triumph for Nancy and the Botwins to show us that they mean business and they are NOT going to take shit from ANYONE. Don't skip over the battles. The battles are what kept us coming back each week! Every episode prior to this last dying specimen left us thinking "Holy shit! What the fuck is going to happen next week? HOW are they going to get out of THIS mess?" This final season left us thinking "Holy shit! She survived a bullet to the fucking head? How will this affect her daily life? Will she walk? Is the bullet really moving? What the fuck happened to Celia?! Will Nancy ever get goat's milk?" Bo-ring. Then, on the SERIES finale, you flash forward us into the fucking FUTURE, with paper-thin iPhone wannabes, people-less dry cleaners that malfunction, facial hair on everyone, legal marijuana, and babies named Obama, just to beat us over the head with the fact that we are, indeed, in the future. We get it... you screwed us over, we did a time jump and missed a shit-load. Message received, loud and clear! Finally... FINALLY... the very last scene... oh my GOD, the very last scene... the Botwins (and Doug) sitting on the stairs in the snow, sharing a legal joint, staring in the general direction of the camera, smiling and giggling at the instant potato flakes littering the screen... and then you fade to the credits?! WHAT?! *entering angry black girl mode* Oh, HELL no! You CANNOT resolve an entire series with joint giggles! I really feel like we have been jilted on a proper send off for this family that we have followed for so long. Give us one last theatrical release (that so many MANY people will gladly pay for) with the REAL ending that the true fans deserve.

My second view (opinion): Nancy is actually dead. Or at least, dying... in a coma... and dreaming this entire last season while laying unconscious in a hospital bed. I actually would have preferred this to be the final scene, the big final reveal, in lieu of the group snow pot shot; or at least have that scene fade into her taking her real final breath in the hospital bed as she took her first hit of the sticky icky in the dream scenario. The whole theme of the final episode was that everyone was leaving Nancy, but I think it would have been tragically poetic to actually have HER leave everyone else as she passed away in the real world. But, since that was not the case, I would've much rather of had the previous season finale be the series finale, with either Nancy getting shot (and killed, showing her tombstone in the final frame), or having Nancy's fate in the forever balance of cancellation limbo. The entirety of season eight was just too far fetched, even by the standards set by Weeds. Too surreal to be real.

Thoughts? Opinions? Rants? Leave them. I'll be sure to ignore them like this last episode did to me.

Drama, My Drama

2012-09-02T23:55:00.001-05:00

Drama, My Drama 09-03-2012

Drama, my drama

Won't you leave me alone

You're attracted to me

like a dog and a bone

You catch me when silent

and all is still

You take all my hope

my energy, and my will

I like the peaceful

the post storm calm

But you hate my content

and replace it with qualm

Just go away now

You're not welcome, tramp

I revoke your invite

Just like a True Blood vamp

^_^

Million Dollar Heaven

2012-08-04T15:16:00.000-05:00

Today I found one of those fake million dollar bills on the ground; y'know, the ones that are supposed to make you think "Dur hur, a MILLION DOLLAR BILL! WOOHOO!" and then when you pick it up, it disappoints you with Christian scripture on the back that is supposed to make you ponder about life, death, and eternal salvation. Do these ever work? Do they ever really fool anyone and trick them into Christianity? Is there really a point to this? I just do not get why Christians keep pushing their religion on others by tossing garbage on the ground. Don't they realize that littering is illegal and is punishable with a five hundred dollar fine? Maybe they can use one of these "bills" to pay it with. Anyway, I digress; the point I am making is why does this one religion feel the need to litter and go door to door trying to recruit others into their beliefs? Are they that insecure? Are they really that lonely? Do they get bonus points in heaven for however many people they get to join their flock? "I see you got fifteen people to join you! Here's a pair of wings. And for you... oh dear... I'm sorry... you only got three people. Here's half a chicken wing and an unstrung harp." Is it just me or does this seem like borderline cult activity? Going around and trying to round up people to join your little crusade? I know that homosexuality is not a religion (although we're both on our knees a lot) but they preach about the "gay agenda". What about the shady "Christian agenda"? If anything, they are worse! We do not go around trying to recruit people. We don't drop fake issues of Sports Illustrated with hardcore images of boy on boy sex and quotes like "Gurl, you needs to join us! Gay sex is GOOD!" We don't go door to door with "Haaaay! How you doin'?! Have you discovered the joys of your prostate? Wouldn't you want to be in the arms of man love?" I also don't see many other religions resorting to this tactic. I have never come across a plastic gelt with the text "Oy! You want the real thing? Don't be a meshugeneh! Come join us at temple and have a sandwich!" I just don't get what the ever loving Christ is wrong with this religion and what the hell happened to it to make it so damn twisted.

In closing... don't fucking litter.

We don't need no water, let the motherfucker burn!

2012-08-01T19:34:00.000-05:00

OMFG! I just had to put out a bush fire right outside my apartment building! I have often seen the person in the second floor balcony right above the bushes, toss their cigarette outside, so I am guessing this one finally took. I go outside, and I hear a guy talking on the phone as he was coming in. He gets off the phone, looks at me, and says, "Hey, did you see that fire outside?" "Uh, no..." "Yeah, it's right there. Looks like it's getting bigger. I called 911" and then he just GOES HOME. WTF?! I go outside, see the flames, and due to my phobia I start going into a black woman panic and said "HOLY JESUS!" O_O I run inside, get a bucket of water, go back, and put most of it out. I go back for round two and when I come back out, I see a police officer walking up. As I am pouring the second bucket, he says, "I really appreciate it." I look around and see TEN other people just STARING st the damn thing, so I say, "Well, SOMEONE had to do something!" and then I go back inside. Basic science, people. Water kills fire. DO SOMETHING! People walking your dog... get your dog to PEE on the gawdamn flames! SHEEEEEET!

"It-it- the f - it -flam - flames. Flames, on the side of my building..."

Reminds me of a time when I was about 16, riding with my mom, on the way home. It had just finished raining. Well, she took one turn a little too sharply, and got stick in the ditch. As I was pushing while she was revving the gas, the friction from the back tire must've caught the grass under it on fire. I didn't even think or take into consideration my fear of fire and the thought of the whole damn car exploding, I dug into the mud and water beside it with my bare hands and flung it on the flames as I screamed for my mom to "STEP ON IT!" I put the fire out, mom got the car out, and I was covered in mud and full of adrenaline.

In short... I hate fire. >_<

-------------

Emily: OH DAMN! You are a superhero now! That totally counts as superhero qualifying material!

Brad: It's sad when one is considered a superhero for possessing basic knowledge and the will to actually DO something. >_<

Emily: I know right?! What has the world come to?! LOL!

Brad: It's gonna come to a lot of stupid people on FIRE. LOL!

Dawn: REEKRIS! Get the water, ni%$a!

Brad: ROFL!

Here we see my superhero persona, Bucket Brad, saving yet another day...

Dirty

2012-07-10T17:32:00.001-05:00

Dirty 07-10-2012

You left early in the morning
without a goodbye
I touch the space on your side
turn my face and sigh

I throw the covers off of me
expose the chest cavity
rise up like a zombie
with hunger to satisfy

Why did you have to leave
and take the biggest part of me?
Now I'm walking through this Hell
Searching for my soul to sell...
... and I feel dirty
Feel so dirty...

Voided and broken
a shambling mess
Laying with another
While my eyes protest

To feel anything again
Is my one and only crime
But it's only temporary
To satiate or pass the time

Dust it off, shake it clean
Open up and rip the seam
Fill it in and pat it down
I'm ashamed of what I found...
... and I feel dirty
So damn dirty...

In a heap, on the floor
Crying, fighting, wanting more
I have no right to ask for help
I brought this all on myself
... and I feel dirty
So fucking dirty...

Banks are funny little things...

2012-06-25T12:38:00.000-05:00

Posted on my FaceBook, but re-posted here for archival sake. ^_^

I think this bank is getting sassy with me. Rude. >:-(

"Hey Bob, what picture should we use for the bank's website?"

"I dunno... how about my dog hopped up on a lot of cocaine?"

"Sounds good."

Podunk USA - a re-post

2012-06-20T10:35:00.003-05:00

In 2009, I stumbled across this nifty little article from another friend's blog that is about my hometown of Cleburne, TX. In it, it describes with scary accuracy Cleburne and what I personally think of it. It really does capture the frightening essence of a town left behind by time... and by me...

~(from AshleyAwesome.com)~

"My father grew up in a very small town in Texas called Cleburne. It’s about twenty-five minutes outside Dallas, and it is absolutely the most miserable place I have ever visited in my life. I used to dread taking family trips to visit my grandmother, aunts, and uncles (of whom I have fourteen on my father’s side) because entering Cleburne was like entering a foreign country. The rules as I knew them just didn’t apply.My father was born in 1941, three months before the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. He was raised in Cleburne, current population 29,050, with his six brothers and sisters in a two bedroom house right next to the train tracks. His mother, my grandmother, is currently 98 years old and living alone in the same house she’s lived in since she married my grandfather at 17 years of age. She has never been on an airplane and never traveled further than 50 miles from the place of her birth. All seven of her children live within 200 miles of her. Most of my paternal family lives in Texas because if they were to move anywhere else, the culture shock would probably kill them instantly.

I have never been to Appalachia, but the entire time I was reading Kathleen Stewart’s A Space on the Side of the Road, I kept picturing Cleburne, Texas. My experiences in small-town Cleburne, although no where near as dramatic as Stewart’s in Appalachia, are overwhelmingly similar to the cultural atmosphere that Stewart found “by the side of the road.” Cleburners have their own manner of speaking that is almost unintelligible to outsiders, inflecting their words with meaning and sound that was foreign to me as a child. I was always incredibly confused by the meaning of the word “drawers” whenever I visited my grandmother. A drawer to me was a place to store clothes or toys. A Cleburner firmly believes that “drawers” are the same as “underpants.”

But despite such petty examples, overall the feeling that I got from reading Stewart’s book was the same feeling I used to get while visiting Podunk, USA. Stewart writes:

“Imagine, in short, how culture in an occupied, betrayed, fragmented, and finally deserted place might become not a corpus of abstract ideas or grounded traditions, but a shifting and nervous space of desire immanent in lost and re-membered and imagined things. Picture the effort to track a cultural “system” that is “located,” if anywhere, in the nervous, shifting, hard-to-follow trajectories of desire and in-filled with all of the confusion and aggravation of desire itself. Imagine a world that dwells in the space of the gap, in a logic of negation, surprise, contingency, roadblock, and perpetual incompletion.”

This is Cleburne. A remnant of an old America that no longer exists. The town is poor and small. It used to depend on oil and farming, two sources of income that are dwindling now in the area. Beautiful farmland has been superseded by commercial structures, fading and becoming dingy with neglect. It is a place that still harbors the old seeds of racism and conflict. A place where people are aware that they should be tolerant, but just can’t bring themselves to comply. A place the young are constantly trying to escape from (my father married at 18 just to leave his mother’s house — the marriage failed, not surprisingly), and the old can’t bring themselves to leave. The gaps that Stewart talks about so often in her book are everywhere in my memories of Cleburne, a place stuck in a memory and tradition that the rest of the country has left far behind."

~(my reply)~

"Wow. Nice to see someone else out there has the same view as me. I was born and raised in Cleburne and I managed to not only survive and escape, but I was also able to flourish thanks to my self-sheltering imagination (which turned out to be a double edged weapon as it also made me quite shy and timid) and then later in life, the internet fed my constant cranial needs. I absorbed as much culture as I could get my grubby little paws on, even in my earliest of years. I knew from the first tangible sentient thought that there was something terribly wrong with this place and it was keeping a great deal of knowledge from me, strangling my very being. I was always gasping for air. I yearned for interaction with people, books, buildings, and LIFE in general. I’m lucky that I did not escape by the means that most youth “escape” Cleburne, that being heavy drug use which is ironic in itself that it just strengthens their anchor there. I was very amused to see others so trapped in that cycle and know that it was the wrong answer. You could often find me smirking at others because I held all of the correct solutions, all the right cards if you will, and I knew that this town would be their lifelong destiny. Even though I hold such loathsome feelings for this little speck of dirt, it was rather nice to take a proverbial stroll down that memory lane. Much better than the real thing. ^_^"

I'm all ripped n'shit...

2012-06-15T07:20:00.000-05:00

Stacy: Now, why can't you sleep?

Brad: *shrug* Just can't. No reason.

Stacy: Rub one out and then go to sleep. Always works for me.

Brad: Way ahead of ya... and nope. LOL!

Stacy: Really?!? That always works for me! I mean, very rarely does it not!

Brad: Doesn't work for me

Stacy: o.0 Weird.

Brad: Maybe I'm doing it wrong? Do I need to run laps during? o_0

Stacy: Well yeah, duh...

Brad: 'kay... if you ever hear me on your treadmill when you come home... don't walk in...

Stacy: LMFAO ROTF! Actually, I would have to ... just to see that sight.

Brad: "What are you doing?!" "Running one out! Now leave, MOM! Gaaahhhhhh!"

Stacy: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Thank god I wasn't drinking when I read that!

Brad: LOL!

Okay, Cupid! Quiddit! >:-(

2012-06-14T09:03:00.000-05:00

Brad: I just LOVE talking to guys on OKCupid.com; when it seems like we're really clicking, meshing, and hitting it off, they apparently get abducted by the mob for ransom, because they DROP OFF THE FUCKING FACE OF THE PLANET! >_<
Stacy: Oh, hello sarcasm. You've been hiding for a few days.
Brad: Like, they realize, "Oh, he's a comedian! Well, I'm just not too fond of laughter. Bye!"
Brad: Sorry for making you laugh? o_0
Stacy: I LOVE laughter!
Brad: I mean WTF? I know a lot of guys out there want serious, meaningful conversation to connect with, but good lord that shit is boring!
Stacy: I know, right?!?!?

Brad: {first date conversation}

Guy: "I just want to know what your goals are in life. What are your dreams and aspirations?"

Me: "..... got your nose!"

Guy: "......."

Stacy: LMFAO ROTF!!! I TOTALLY SEE YOU DOING THAT!
Brad: ^_^
Stacy: Oh. My. God. I'm having fits of laughter over here.

MAR 09

2012-06-13T11:24:00.000-05:00

It has been a VERY long time since I have done one of these. I have missed their pixilated little faces! ^_^

That awkward moment when your friend over uses the "Awkward Moment" meme one too many times...
"That awkward momen..."
"No.... just, no."

Click me!

Tardy for the Party

2012-06-07T08:47:00.003-05:00

Today has been... unique. First, my phone alarm, which is set for 5:00am every morning, went off as usual. I hit snooze, as usual. What's unusual is that it did not go off again! I was an HOUR late for work! I looked at my phone and it said that it was STILL in snooze mode! Bitch, that is not "snooze mode", that is "Rip Van Winkle mode"!

I get to work, and a problem comes up. I have a script that has an issue; scripts navigate an online bank site automatically to download files for all accounts listed. This one is crashing and not getting all files. I sent an e-mail to the team lead about it; "The script is not getting all the files." His reply? "The script needs to run to get all the files" You have NO idea how much I am resisting sending him this:

So, after that, I decide that I'm hungry as all hell since I slept for gawdamn forever. I go downstairs to the convenience-eatery-cafeteria amalgam type place to get a simple bagel and cream cheese. That's all. Just a quick in and out so I could scurry back up to the ninth floor and continue my fury of catching up. I go up to the counter and see the little penny pinching Korean that I have mentioned several times before. I am to the right side of his peripheral vision, but somehow he doesn't see me. I tap my foot. No reaction. I sniff loudly. Nothing. I clear my throat. He starts hiking his pants up to his nipples. I jiggle the change in my pocket. He IMMEDIATELY turns to me, lets go of his nipple belt, and acknowledges me with "How I help you?!" :-|

Bagel finally in hand, I head for the elevator. I get on. Just as the doors are about to close, a boney manicured little hand swoops in at the last second to open the doors back up. Bitch, really? There are three other elevators. Really?! I am also stunned that the doors didn't crush her fragile anorexic hand. The doors open, and she looks off in the distance and shouts in true woo-girl style "Tiffany! HAAAAY gurl! How you doing?!" She holds the door this whole time waiting for her waifish friend to board the increasingly late elevator while I sit there with my bagel that is getting colder by the second. Her friend finally boards the Two Twigs and a Fattie express. Guess what floor they went to? No, really. Guess. I'll wait. This is an easy one. This is what they just HAD to hold the elevator up for this entire time...

Two.

Yes, the second mutha fuggin' floor. It would've taken a LOT less time for everyone involved if those bitches just took the stairs. Well, if their twiggy little legs don't snap under the pressure in the process and send their heavy bobble heads over the edge. Oh, that thought gave me a warm fuzzy. ^_^

Two?! Are you friggin' KIDDING me?! >_<

*eats cold bagel*

~(UPDATE)~

Brad: There is no hole in my bagel at all... looks like an asshole... is that like a Jewish four leaf clover? o_0

Stacy: LMFAO ROTF!

Brad: I am SO calling assholes "Jewish Four Leaf Clovers" from now on.

Stacy: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Brad: I dunno if I am hungry or turned on...

Stacy: Every Jew's greatest dilemma; hungry or horny.

~(RELATED SIDE UPDATE {yes, I just made that a thing})~

Dear Rude Walking Teeth and Hair,

Next time you might wanna think about the ramifications of spraying your designer knock-off, stank nasty, candy ass, Willy Wonka, tween wannabe whorefume on a closed elevator with other people, because next time I ride the elevator with you, when the doors open, I WILL kick you out to your floor... which, BTW, once again, was TWO! Just couldn't wait the whole ten second ride without needing a spritz of Rapist Attractant, could ya?!

I also park in handicapped spaces!

2012-05-27T16:40:00.001-05:00

Yeah, this really happened. I still cannot believe it, and of course it happens to me in true sitcom style.

So, there I was at the bar with a big group of friends on the patio, sitting at a table, chatting, laughing, and drinking. You know, the normal thing to do at a bar. More friends come to join the group, so I sit at the neighboring table. Two pretty girls walk up to my table and ask if I mined if they could sit there. Being the gentleman that I am, I insisted that they do; always glad to meet new people. They ask me if a waitress would come out and take their drink order and I tell them that it would probably be a lot quicker to just go inside and order them there. They look at each other and debate if that would be the best course of action, and they agree. The two girls get up, smile, and ask me to save their seats for them. I grin and say, "Absolutely!" as they leave to acquire their beverages.

About five minutes later, three douchey guys stumble up the stairs, obviously blitzed, one of them on crutches. Another one of them comes up to my table, grabs one of the girl's chair, and tries to take it for the hobbling crutches drunk. I say "Oh, these chairs are all taken." The guy looks at me, scowls, and says, "Oh?! They're all taken, huh?! That's real nice! Take the chair from the gimp!" then slams the chair back. I sit there stunned, stare, and just calmly say, "Oh my god! Wow... sorry!" He huffs, "Yeah, you're REAL sorry" as he and his Douche Dudes go to another very empty table with plenty of chairs for their drunk asses.

Five minutes later, the girls come back with drinks in hand and I tell them, "Gurl, you SO owe me!" and I tell them what had just happened.

This last part of the night is a little fuzzy, because I do not know the exact details or saw the entire event, but two of the Ed Hardy Bunch got into a big ol' fight and a drink was thrown at the head of the other.

Very exciting shit. Just glad that wasn't MY head. >_<

Cripple Douche Fight!