ZD

Joey Barton signs for prison team

2012-05-27T23:11:00.000+01:00

EXCLUSIVE

The midfielder/philosopher/criminal Joseph "Joey" Barton has signed for a prison team after being dismissed by QPR for gross misconduct and for being a recidivist little bellend. The human stain was ejected from Loftus Road by Mark Hughes, who then changed the locks and switched the lights off until he went away.

Freak of Nietzsche.

ZD understands that Athletico Belmarsh HMPFC swooped for Barton after his impressive performance against Manchester City, in which he unleashed his unique brand of thinking man's thuggery on half of the opposing team. Barton will be reunited in prison with his brother Michael, who was jailed in 2005 for murder.

Belmarsh chairman and E Ward 'Daddy' Big Mick Hayes believes he can build a strong team around Barton: "He's going to hold the midfield while Rapey Dave pushes forward, and we've got a nonce at left back so we're looking good for next season."

Sources say that Barton will be appointed as captain at Belmarsh, but his pay is expected to drop from £80,000 per week to three packs of Marlboro Lights. He was first given the captain's armband by QPR, who were impressed by his exemplary past record, which included two prison sentences for affray and assault, slapping a 15 year old Everton fan, stubbing a cigarette out in a youth player's eye, detaching a teammate's retina whilst knocking him unconscious, punching a man twenty times in the face and knocking a teenager's teeth out.

He could've been world class but he chose
to be an entertainer instead.

The midfielder then cemented his role as captain with a gritty performance in QPR's relegation nail-biter, in which he tried to improve Tevez's face with his elbow, kicked Aguero in the back of the knee and rounded it off like a true team player by attempting to headbutt Kompany in the face.

Chris Kamara said: "Signing for Belmarsh before he's committed his annual crime is a very clever move, Jeff. This way, when he does end up behind bars again, he won't be cup-tied."

When not bringing the Saturday-night-at-throwing-out-time experience to professional football, Barton likes to indulge in navel gazing on Twitter. His million followers, however, are worried that he will be unable to continue his Twitter twatter from inside Belmarsh. Like Socrates, who taught Plato before captaining Brazil at the 1982 World Cup, and Nietzsche, who spent eight years at centre back for Borussia Monchengladbach, the polymath has deftly balanced his twin personas of sportsman and cerebral reprobate. Making valuable contributions to debates in logical positivism and the Cantona seagull-trawler problem has led to Barton being widely regarded as the leading proponent of the Scouse School of thought, with his recent works including calling Gary Lineker an "odious little toad" and wishing Morrissey a happy birthday.

Barton is set to star in the Mean Machine sequel alongside Vinnie Jones and Danny Dyer, who may or may not be played by Charlie Sabine.

"Why do people always want to solve any conflict with a fight?

As a pacifist, I find it incredible" he said thuggishly. (@Joey7Barton)

Edward Norton would make a great Lenin

2012-05-07T23:48:00.000+01:00

Ed Norton as Derek Vinyard in American History X;
Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov as Vladmir Lenin in Serious Soviet Mode.

Ed Norton would make a superb Lenin. He's known for playing intelligent but troubled characters (Fight Club, American History X, 25th Hour) and shares with Lenin the same steely, intense gaze. Lenin was characterized as possessing enormous self-confidence, determination and focus, all traits that Norton portrays well.

He'd make a better Lenin than Patrick Stewart,
who played him in Fall of Eagles.

In Alan Bullock's Hitler and Stalin: Parallel Lives, he writes that "one of the intriguing 'might-has-beens' of history is what would have happened if Lenin had been born a German into the most highly industrialized country in Europe, with the largest working-class movement, instead of in Russia, the most backward and so least promising country in which to launch a Marxist revolution."

Now that would be a good film. Somebody should make an allohistorical epic speculating about the turn European history might have taken if Lenin had been born in, say, Prussian Berlin in 1870 - on the eve of the birth of the German Empire - instead of in Simbirsk, deep inside Tsarist Russia. After the First World War, Germany witnessed a widespread wave of social protest, but it lacked a leader capable of organising the masses into an effective political force. If Lenin had seized power in Germany in 1919, rather than in Russia in 1917, how would the twentieth century have played out? Would the Nazi Party have even existed, or would its short lived predecessor (the DAP) have been crushed in its infancy? Would the Second World War have taken place? If so, along what lines? What would have become of Stalin, of Hitler? Would Wernher von Braun have stayed in Soviet Germany (Deutschland Rat?) and put a German on the Moon? Would Europe still be under the yoke of Communism in the 21st Century? Somebody should make this film, and Norton should play Lenin.

Whilst I was writing this, I searched for "Lenin Edward Norton" to see if anybody else had had the same thought (apparently not), but I did stumble across this fucktarded gem of a page. Now, I'm no expert on biorhythym cycles, but apparently Lenin and Norton are very physically compatible every two weeks. That's nice.

Old Churchgoing Lady Is A Christian

2012-02-17T10:11:00.000Z

EXCLUSIVE

Elizabeth Windsor, 85, of Buckingham Palace, yesterday confirmed that she loves going to church and "really digs God."

As an active member of her local community, Liz has acquired a number of nicknames around the village, including 'the Queen', 'Defender of the Faith' and 'Supreme Guv'nor'. We spoke to Liz about her role in the church. "I do the flower arranging at Westminster Abbey at weekends and play the organ when Baroness Warsi is away. I'm also in charge of the collection plate at Canterbury Cathedral. I usually take the money down to the Post Office myself, but if we collect more than £20 I give it to the Archbishop to keep safe at Lambeth Palace."

Liz hopes that her announcement in the parish newsletter will help solve problems in the village: "We've had a lot of trouble with militant atheists lately - I had one in my garden last week and they can be a real pain to get rid of - so hopefully by invoking my imaginary sky friend we can get some peace. It's been tough recently, but the church is so good for the community, and don't my petunias look lovely?"

Her neighbour, Richard Dawkins, agrees: "Like Liz, I try to take an active role in village life. I'm in charge of the tombola at the community centre coffee mornings, and I also help out at the evolutionary biology lab on Wednesday afternoons. If you ask me, Liz's announcement can't come soon enough - if there's one thing we need more of in this country, it's the superstitious crock of crap she's peddling. Have you tried her fruit cake? It's lovely. Her husband's a bit odd though."

They come over here, stealing our men...

2012-02-13T22:25:00.000Z

The Daily Express excels itself yet again...

Greece, a Country in Administration

2012-02-13T00:12:00.005Z

WARNING: this article is full of Romsey concepts. If you're not a massive fan, you're going to struggle to read it. Pete Cary, you might as well give up now...

GREECE, A COUNTRY IN ADMINISTRATION
From ZD's Greek Reporters, Christodolous Christodolou and Nickodolous Nickodolou, L Staircase, Athens.

The worst fears of world markets were realised today as Greece finally entered administration.

Greece, the world's oldest democracy, voluntarily entered adminstration at nine this morning. ZD understands that Nizzle Thind Rush, the bespoke Romsey-based financial services firm, has been appointed to oversee the administration process.

Jamie Nizzle and Gary 'Rush' Rush, who will serve as joint administrators, issued the following statement earlier today: "After playing a few rounds of Patball™ and looking for Corlett in the office, we will urgently begin winding down Greece. They've ladded it up for too long, even by our standards."

ZD's legal experts believe that signs saying 'Greece, a Country in Administration' will soon be displayed at all border crossings and airports, and many of Greece's assets will have to be sold to pay creditors. Sources inside the former country indicate that Mastercard wish to purchase the Parthenon and Disney have plans for a Hercules theme park in the ruins of the temple at Dodona. Meanwhile, Qatar has expressed an interest in shipping everything over there, and Ken Bates has also said he'd like to buy Greece "for a quid".

Acropolis Now.

Nizzle and Rush have instructed their former Romsey Terrace neighbour Kayleigh Parker to help evict the Greeks. Parker, a prolific debt recovery agent, Girl Fridays Drinking Society captain and part-time veterinarian, has little sympathy for her victims. "The small print on the loan agreements is crystal clear," Parker growled at our reporter. "It clearly states that 'your country is at risk if you do not keep up with repayments'. I sent the Greek President a final demand for payment last week and the cheeky bleeder sent it back with 'no longer at this address' scrawled on the front. That was the final straw: once your bond yield spread has widened and you've pissed me off, you're coming with me, sunshine." Turkish Cypriot DJ and former L staircase (Robinson College) resident Mustafa Sulo is eager to help Parker, announcing on his Genc Radio breakfast show that he and his brothers in arms were "ready to evict the Greek bastards."

Financial analyst and part-time goose Vincent Desh, of niche Jewish banking cartel Hayek Schumpeter, says that many citizens will have to take redundancy and leave Greece during the winding down procedure: "I predict that large numbers of the swarthy layabouts will have to TUPE across to either Macedonia or Turkey." When asked if he could shed any light on the cause of this catastrophe, he simply said "it's that bald Scottish guy again."

Although the roots of this tragedy are numerous and complex, Desh is correct to say that they all lead back to one man: E5. Unconfirmed reports indicate that E5 was attempting to book a holiday in Kos - no doubt to 'get away from it all' and forget his role in the 2008 global financial meltdown - when he had problems trying to pay the deposit on the apartment. It appears he may have clicked the wrong button whilst putting his credit card details into the website, which led to him accidentally shorting the entire Greek economy. Sources say that his laptop crashed shortly after the incident - most probably due to his technologically retarded son, Lord Boredom, attempting to install a FIFA '98 PlayStation One game on a modern PC - and by the time E5 had got back online, he'd triggered a €329 billion debt exposure. E5 was unavailable for comment, but his close friend Howard from the Halifax said "he's very sorry".

This carefully researched diagram shows E5's pivotal role in the global financial crisis. What an absolute prick.

Fitter than Thora

2011-11-06T00:13:00.000Z

Picture your average stairlift owner. Old? Blue rinse? Incontinent, but with a penchant for cats and Werther's originals?

I'm thinking Thora Hird — or perhaps Brian Potter — but if this advert is anything to go by, young pretty flamenco dancers are the key demographic for Stannah buying...

It's almost the world's first upskirt on a stairlift as well (or at least I hope it is).

Toilet Trees

2011-10-23T23:16:00.000+01:00

Welcome back. We've all been rather busy here at ZD Towers and can only apologise for the woeful lack of new material, but don't worry: normal service will resume soon. In the meantime, you should check out this work of art snapped by one of our reporters at the Yorkshire Sculpture Park. In fact, read the whole of the Privy Counsel while you're there. It's weird. It's wonderful. It's a bog blog.

How I Invented Wikipedia

2011-06-25T18:21:00.003+01:00

Jimmy Wales "founded" Wikipedia in 2001.

Not only had I invented Wikipedia by that point, I'd also developed the mobile version too. Members of the jury, I give you Exhibit A: my sketch of a portable electronic encyclopaedia from 2001. The 'ZD Knowledgeometer' came preloaded with millions of articles and could be updated by connecting to the internet, where anybody could contribute. I should be a fucking millionaire.

If I had a time machine, I'd go back to 2001 and manufacture the Knowledgeometer. That's a stupid name though, so I'd call it the ZDpedia. Or the iPedia, which would annoy Steve Jobs. I'd make sure the first article was about Jimmy Wales and that it said "Jimmy Wales is the man who didn't found Wikipedia. What's Wikipedia? Exactly. Better luck next time, Jimbo."

The ZDpedia would also keep me out of trouble, because if anybody caught me hiding in the bushes at the bottom of their garden again, I'd be able to say "don't worry, I'm from the Internet", and that would reassure them for long enough to let me escape.

"Look, I've found his wig!"

I'd also visit 2050 to see if Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black were king and queen of the world. If they were, I'd go to the 1990s and abduct baby Bieber and baby Black. I'd then take them back to the Triassic period and feed them to a dinosaur, just to confuse the paleontologists.

If Miley Cyrus were queen of the world, I'd be okay with that. She makes Middle Reality (MR) look cool. If I've understood her world correctly, Miley Cyrus is a real person in Upper Reality (UR) who plays Miley Stewart who plays Hannah Montana in MR. Her UR friends turn up in her MR world and there's no boundary between the realities. Similarly, I am a real person in UR, and I play the Legend who plays the Bellend in MR. It makes perfect sense.

Robinson May Ball 2011: Sabine Still At Large

2011-06-21T22:43:00.001+01:00

He committed an unspeakable crime and we enjoy shouting his name at him.

He's the one who isn't Natalie Portman.

ZD Newcomers, meet Sabine. You might be unfamiliar with this feral creature - in a way, we all are, given the number of pseudonyms he's used over the years - but all you need to know is that it's really, really fun to shout his name at him when he's least expecting it. And pronounce it wrong. He could be in the library, on the toilet or minding his own business in his bedroom, but he's never out of range of a "Sorbeen!"

A sighting of Charlie Sabine at Robinson College's 2011 May Ball has led officials to believe that he may soon be captured after being sentenced to death last week. A specially convened court, consisting of Lords Spencer, Virgo and Boredom, found Sabine guilty in absentia of gross sabining, sabining without a licence, failed to stop when "Sabine!"'d, being moody, sabining in the presence of a minor and impersonating a tramp. Lord Boredom seemed fuzzy when questioned on what laws Sabine had actually broken, but he said he was certain that the death penalty they passed down was the correct verdict: "He committed an unspeakable crime and for that he must be punished. Nobody remembers what he did, but it must be bad, otherwise why would we go to such lengths to stop him?" Sabine has been on the run ever since.


Happier times: Sabine endorsing sardines. He attributed his long luscious locks to fish oils.

The trail ran cold until a glimpse of Sabine at the Ball on Friday night. An eyewitness, who has identified himself only as 'Jarney', said "I spotted somebody who looked and scowled just like him. I shouted 'Sabine' loudly at him and then stood very still - I've heard his vision is based on movement - but he disappeared into the bushes before I could grab him. In hindsight, I should have reported it but I was thinking only of my own safety at the time."

Sabine's parents, who spoke to reporters outside their home in leafy Ryecroft Close, Woodley, said that their son had been misrepresented by the press. "He isn't a criminal. He just couldn't deal with complete strangers shouting his name at him all the time," said Mrs Sabine. Her husband described how Sabine's protagonists deliberately messed with his surname to tip him over the edge. "It's sah-byne. Not SAY-byne, not sa-beenay, and definitely not sabinet blanc," he explained, before breaking down in tears. "I just want him home."

Inspector Barnes, of Robinson College Police Department, took a different view: "Nobody wants to have their name shouted at them when they're using a public toilet, especially if it makes them sound like a famous brand of malt loaf. Yes, Shuai might find it funny, and yes, a Soreen may be delicious and fruity, and full of squidgy energy, but Mr Sabine is none of those things, and he shouldn't need to be. Nevertheless, what he did - whatever it was - was completely unacceptable."

"He can't keep getting away with it," he added menacingly.

10 Years

2011-06-16T00:01:00.003+01:00

bbc.co.uk, June 2001.

On 16 June 2001, the interwebs changed forever. Back in those dark days of 56k dial-up modems and wires trailing across the living room, when YouTube was still four years away and the BBC site looked like this, we founded our first site and the internet entered the ZD Age.

In the intervening ten years, we've moved around a bit - geocities.com/zdlaxdsmip, /zdsystem, zduk.tk and now zduk.co.uk - but our loyal audience (all twelve of you - yes, even you at the back!) have followed us every step of the way. You have helped make us into the global powerhouse we are today: ZD is now the 7th biggest Middle Reality site in the world.

How we used to look.

To celebrate our anniversary, we've trawled that young-whippersnapper-of-a-website YouTube and brought you three classic videos from the Archives. Enjoy...

Ronaldo v Corsa - A Cristiano Ronaldo lookalike racing a car in his CK boxer shorts: what more do you want?

Yeoh Technology - ZD's greatest achievement? This critically acclaimed reworking of Ayo Technology tells the tale of a doomed love story and a hungry Singaporean's quest for food.

The Hirst Rat - no fancy cinematography on this one; it's just cousin Dingly trying to retrieve his flip-flop ("gaming thong") from a river and failing terribly.

ZD's Guide to Flirting 3

2011-06-14T22:55:00.002+01:00

Lesson 3 - Boring Flirting

At Cambridge, we used to have 'swaps', where a male drinking society from one college would invite a female drinking society from another college over for a formal dinner and sex.

Not pictured: orgy.

I was sat at the end of a long table on my first swap with a pretty girl, a girl with a nondescript face and my friend Lord Boredom, who has a nondescript personality. I said hello to the pretty girl and then ran out of things to say. She asked me what I studied but I mistook her attempt at small talk for a genuine interest in my subject and started to tell her - at length - about my recent essay.

My story trailed off as she gazed in open-mouthed horror at my social ineptitude, and I finished with the immortal chat-up line "but Lord knows more about law than me. Talk to Lord about law." She had realised I was a no-hoper by this point, so she started to talk to Boredom about everything except law while I just got drunk by myself.

I didn't sleep with her, but Boredom had even worse chat than me (the clue's in the name) and I helped myself to her food whilst she was crying, so it worked out okay in the end.

Lorraine is Cambridge Bedder of the Year

2011-06-12T22:33:00.000+01:00

Robinson College bedder Lorraine has won Swiss Laundry's Housekeeper of the Year competition 2010.

Lorraine's 'patch' includes A Staircase, home to the famous Romsey Tower where a number of notable ZD members resided in 2008-09. Lorraine is awesome and this award is well deserved. Jane, Romsey Terrace bedder during ZD's time at 35 Romsey in 2007-08, came bottom of the rankings.

Lorraine pictured with her favourite Romsey Tower residents.

Bellend's Guide to Flirting 2

2011-06-12T17:25:00.009+01:00

Lesson 2 - Introductory Flirting

I have a friend who is only interested in finding a girl that he can play war games with, to a high standard, but so that he will always just win in the end. He also has the feet of a hobbit. For these reasons, he is unlucky in love.

In Freshers' Week 2007, he decided to take advantage of the fact that he was now a second year by chatting up a fresher called Catherine. I wandered over, aiming to ruin his night, but he seemed to take my presence in his stride and began to introduce his new found ladyfriend to me:

"Wanna play footsie?"

(drunken slur) "Bellend, this is Chesca."

"No, that's your sister's name."

(visibly panicked) "Er, no, er, I meant Chloe."

"No, that's my girlfriend's name."

(desperate flailing) "Catherine! Her name's Catherine! Oh, she's gone."

He turned around to stop her, but she had walked away very quickly. He then turned back around but I too had walked off.

The next time he tried to flirt with a girl, he ended the night by vomiting over a gay doctor whilst sprawled over a mobility scooter in the entrance to a chapel, so perhaps his time with Catherine should be considered a relative success.

Bellend's Guide to Flirting 1

2011-06-12T12:33:00.004+01:00

Lesson 1 - Aggressive Flirting

I was once in Life, a nightclub in Cambridge that is now called the Venue or the Place or something equally stupid, watching Tim Westwood DJ and talk about big dogs and his Uncle Snoop. I don't know how Life got such a big name DJ to play but Westwood lives in Norfolk with his mum and it's not very far home so maybe he did it for a reduced price.

I was walking over to the toilet and noticed that two attractive girls were stood between me and the toilet door. They were looking at me and smiling, and as I got closer they moved so that I couldn't get to the toilet very easily, so I squeezed past - unsure if one of them had tried to trip me up - and went to have a wee and tell the Freshen Up Guy that I didn't need any counterfeit aftershave or urine-soaked chewing gum.

If I hit them at pace I could probably take them both out.

I left the toilet and the girls were still blocking my path. They were smiling but I couldn't work out if they were flirting or being dicks so I didn't take any chances. I sped up and dropped my shoulder so that I bodychecked one of the girls as I walked past, but as I was a successful rugby player and rather drunk I hit her harder than expected and she smashed against the wall before sliding to the floor. Her friend shouted something at me that may have been "clucking banker" but it was loud and Westwood has just dropped the bomb so I couldn't hear her properly.

I didn't sleep with either girl that night.

Freshen Up - Toilet Black Man Sayings: UPDATED

2011-06-12T12:26:00.001+01:00

The biggest and best list on the internet

No Splash, No Gash Sayings - Toilet Attendant Sayings - Freshen Up Sayings - Freshen Up Man Sayings - Freshen Up For Punani

Last year, ZD mused on why certain jobs only ever seem to be carried out by black men, and discussed the "toilet freshen-up guy" (or bog wog, according to Urban Dictionary) and his famous phrase, "fresh-en up, fresh-en up, for punani". Variations heard recently include:

No spray, no lay, no soap, no hope

Wash your fingers for the mingers

Spray the Armani, get the punani

Splash the Diesel, see the weasel

No cologne, you're going home alone

I then Googled it and found:

Wash your Fingers for the Mingers!

Wash your Nuts for the Sluts!

Wash your Pole for the Hole!

Wash your Toes for the Hoes!

No Splash, NO GASH!

No Spray, NO LAY!

No Joop, NO HOOP!

No Gucci, NO COOCHIE!

No Davidoff, You don't HAVE IT OFF!

No Fendi, NO WENDY!

No Boss, NO BOX!

No Paco, NO TACO!

No Calvin Klein, NO SEXYTIME!

No Dior, NO WHORE!

No Dune, NO POON!

No Escape, NO GAPE!

No Cologne, You go Home ALONE!!!

No Tissue, NO ISSUE!

No Stink, NO PINK!

No Money, NO HONEY!

No Lolly, NO JOLLY!

No Stench, NO WENCH!

No Lotion, NO MOTION!

No Wash, NO NOSH!

No Stuff, NO MUFF!

No Gum, NO CUM!

UPDATE: I saw the comprehensive list below in a toilet in Ibiza!

Let us know if you hear any more in the comments below.

Srebrenica to Shameless: Karadzic's Wife Found in Manchester

2011-06-11T21:33:00.001+01:00

EXCLUSIVE

Ljilana Zelen-Karadzic, wife of Serbian war criminal Radovan Karadzic, has finally been tracked down to the Chatsworth Estate in Manchester. Ljilana, or Lillian as she's known to locals, had evaded authorities for many years despite frequent television appearances on Channel 4's Shameless. After the dramatic on-set raid, Ljilana told our reporter that she has not seen her husband for 11 years, and that she chose to live in inner-city Manchester as it reminded her of her home town of Sarajevo circa 1995. Ljilana is the second high profile Serb to be captured in recent weeks, following Ratko Mladic's arrest in May.

(L) Manchester brothel owner; (R) Serbian genocide wife.

Her husband, best known for orchestrating the Srebrenica massacre and for having the hair of an eagle owl, was unavailable for comment this week, possibly because he's on trial for war crimes in The Hague. Frank Gallagher said something about a "fhookin' parrrty" and then passed out.

(L) Bubo bubo; (R) Radovan badman.

Hit Your Wife, Get a Cheap DVD: Happy Father's Day!

2011-06-11T15:08:00.000+01:00

"You didn't hit her hard enough, Dad; here, watch Rocky for some tips."

This unfortunately placed advert was brought to you by Chris Sewell.

Boy sells his kidney for an iPad

2011-06-04T18:20:00.005+01:00

I've always thought that people sell their souls when they buy Apple products, but even ol'Mephistopheles himself couldn't have dreamt of a 17 year old boy selling his kidney to buy an iPad 2.

Look Faustus, this one comes with 3G!

The Chinese youth apparently received 20,000 yuan (around £1900) for his organ, which he promptly spent in the nearest Apple shop. His mother's suspicions were aroused when the idiot returned home with a bag full of shiny gadgets and a whopping great scar across his abdomen, and the police were duly informed. Personally, I'm of the opinion that if you're going to sell your body - quite literally - for a gadget, at least get something good like an Android tablet!

It's the first I've heard of consumerism actually consuming a consumer, but I suppose it illustrates the efficiency of the free market. Jokers have said that Apple should release an iDialysis app, or that the kid should've waited for an iPad 3, but he's still got another kidney to sell - and a couple of livers in case he fancies an iPhone 5. Oh, wait.

Not pictured: a good deal.

What would you sell? Your kidney for a Kindle? A toe for a Nokia 3310? Or your mother for the HTC Desire? Comments below, people.

Diddy needs to pee

2011-05-30T13:20:00.001+01:00

Between changing his name (he's "SWAG" this week, apparently) and advertising Ciroc Vodka (sample tweet: If you in the club and they aint Got no Ciroc! You in the wrong club! Run for the EXiT!!! Ruuuunnnnnn!!!!), the artist formerly known as Sean Combs/Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Diddy sometimes needs the toilet. Nothing wrong with that; but did you know he sometimes chooses to queue? With us normal folk?! OMG.

Why does Gary Busey look so weird?

2011-05-29T23:03:00.003+01:00

Gary Busey is an American actor who appeared in Walker, Texas Ranger (with Chuck Norris!), Law & Order and Entourage. He received an Academy Award nomination for Best Actor in 1978 for his role in The Buddy Holly Story.

He has also eaten his own face.

Gary Busey's teeth are larger than his head. How is this possible? At some point in the past, he must have started to eat himself from the inside out. He has now eaten all of the muscle and tissue inside his own head and all that's left is skin and a giant set of teeth on the outside of his body. Somebody needs to stop this man before he eats us all.

Gary Busey ...

... has already eaten himself ...

... and will eat us all ...

... if these riot police* don't stop him first.

*they're actually firemen, but don't let that ruin a good story.

facesitting Inc.

2011-05-29T00:33:00.004+01:00


We'll sit on your face(book). For a fee.

ZD's entry in Cracked's
"Awful Inventions We'll Probably See This Decade" competition.

When Obama met Jedward

2011-05-25T00:13:00.001+01:00

Twitter, by its very nature, is ephemeral. Tweets hang around for a day or two and then disappear into the ether. More information is created now than at any time in history, and yet there are fears that we may be living in a digital dark age and that no record will be left of our time on Earth.

Well, not today. Some things should never be forgotten. Humanity hinges on epoch-defining moments - the start of the First World War, the Moon Landing, 9/11 - and to that list can now be added Barack Obama meeting Jedward, and them (it?) tweeting about it. @PlanetJedward's tweets are below, and they brilliantly expose how deep the Jedward has descended into Middle Reality; it's in its own little world!

The Leader of the Free World is baffled by the "Irish High Kings of Irritation".

They look like identical aliens, they spell his name "Barrack", and they're probably the only people who've ever met Barack Obama and then gone on Youtube to do a "jepic" impersonation of him; you'd imagine that the Secret Service filter those sort of people out long before they get to meet the Chief.

Anyway, without further ado, here is the...

Jedobama Twitter Archive

"this time he was Real and he moved"

"going to the white house to meet her daughters"

"Jed we can"

Amazing.

Les Mis II

2011-05-22T22:09:00.003+01:00

EXCLUSIVE

Victor Hugo died 126 years ago today. Esteemed in his native France for his poetry, he is better known to the rest of the world as the author of Les Miserables and Notre-Dame de Paris (The Hunchback of Notre-Dame). Less well known is the fact that, shortly before his death, he began work on a sequel to Les Miserables which lay forgotten until the unfinished manuscript was discovered in a Whitwellshire attic in February 2006.*

ZD can today exclusively reveal a preview of the forthcoming musical adaptation of this work, Les Miserables II: the Revenge of Valjean, which includes an excerpt from one of the principal songs, "I Can See Valjean Through the Window", and a tantalising glimpse of the pivotal battle between Valjean and his nemesis, Javert.

Link: http://youtu.be/slGf5UzED2U

* Les Mis II is not to be confused with the non-canon sequel Cosette, Or The Time of Illusions.

Naboo of Nazareth

2011-05-15T00:23:00.001+01:00

At office parties, people like to photocopy their backsides.

If you're going to photocopy your face, make sure you're the first in the queue.

Is Obama a Horcrux?

2011-05-14T17:25:00.000+01:00

It is now well known that Osama bin Laden split his soul into seven horcruxes, the first six of which are generally accepted to be those listed below. All of these have been destroyed by coalition forces, with our very own ZD troops responsible for blowing up the fourth in the caves of Tora Bora in 2007.

1. Richard Reid's shoe

2. Bert from Sesame Street

3. Bin Laden's first video camera

4. Helga al-Hufflepuff's cup

5. The diary bin Laden kept as a young insurgent during his first bombing on the Gold Mihor Hotel

6. The wedding ring of the US Ambassador present at the 1998 United States Embassy bombings in Kenya and Tanzania

7. ???

Controversy remains, however, over the identity of the one remaining sliver of bin Laden's soul, as this report from the Uncyclopedia explains.

3 May 2011

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan -- As the United States of America braces itself for a new age in terrorism following the death of Osama bin Laden, concerns have grown over just how dead bin Laden truly is. The lack of public photographical evidence and the burial of the body in international waters have only spurred mild-mannered, level-headed conspiracy theorists to question the reliability of the American government's reports.

Accordingly, potential 2012 GOP contender Donald Trump called for greater transparency and disclosure from the Obama Administration regarding bin Laden's ultimate fate.

"We have reliable sources reassuring the American people that Osama's body has been shot, killed, and disgraced in every way humanly imaginable"," Trump said. "What we do not know, however, is the current location of the remaining fragment of his soul. The good, fair, and unquestionably attractive people of this great nation deserve to know what, or who, is Osama's last Horcrux."

Trump was referring to the famous counter-terrorism breakthrough in the summer of 2006 that revealed that bin Laden had used dark and powerful Muslim magic to split his soul and place a piece of himself into an object following his most prominent terrorist attacks. Bin Laden would have been able to use these Horcruxes to revive himself from the dead, effectively granting the infamous terrorist immortality.

American intelligence revealed nearly five years ago that bin Laden is expected to have produced seven Horcruxes, a number considered to carry additional magical properties within the Muslim occult. To date, the CIA has located and destroyed six of the Horcruxes, including the diary bin Laden kept as a young insurgent during his first bombing on the Gold Mihor Hotel and the wedding ring of the US Ambassador present in the 1998 United States Embassy bombings in Kenya and Tanzania.

The identity, let alone the location, of the final Horcrux remains elusive to American intelligence. It is almost universally agreed upon that the seventh Horcrux would have been made following the 9/11 terrorist attacks, but the CIA continues its search for the last remaining piece of Osama's living soul without a single reliable lead.

Trump, however, alongside members of the fringe right-wing "'Cruxer" movement suspect that the current Commander-in-Chief, President Barack Obama, is the last Horcrux.

Concerns over Obama's status as a Horcrux date back to the earliest stages of his political career...

"Since the 2008 presidential campaign, the pressure has been placed on Obama to prove that he is not a Horcrux," said Trump. "Where was Obama on September 11th? What definitive proof is there that he is not Osama's seventh Horcrux? This is the issue on the minds of every true American. After all, a Horcrux cannot be president."

While the language of Article II of the American Constitution does not specifically reference the case of a Horcrux president, it does clearly state that the president must be a natural-born American citizen. Since part of bin Laden's soul would be infused with Obama's if he was a Horcrux, most Constitutional scholars agree that Obama would not fully qualify as an American citizen.

The White House refused to respond to Trump's recent statements, although Obama has repeatedly reiterated that he is not, and has never been, a Horcrux for a prominent Jihadist.

Releasing an official statement early Tuesday morning, the Obama Administration did indicate that they now believe that bin Laden made his pet snake, Ayman al-Zawahiri, his seventh Horcrux. In the statement, Obama assured the nation that he was fully committed to tracking down the last remnants of bin Laden's magically fractured soul and that the "lightning bolt-shaped scar across [his] forehead would not cease throbbing until America and her allies are safe and the mission is accomplished."