So, apparently, the 16th MTV European Music Awards “went down” on Thursday. Did you notice? I didn’t - I was preoccupied with more relevant, pressing matters, like noticing that ooh, it’s getting quite cold this time of year, and hey, I need a shave. Of course, the fact that these two realisations came in quick succession meant that my addled brain became quite confused, and I ended up shaving my woolly fleece. Live and learn, I guess.

Anyway, at time of writing (3pm on Friday afternoon, thanks for asking), the biggest story to emerge from the EMAs is the complete lack of interesting stories. The biggest controversy was some nonsense about MTV building a “wall” in “Berlin” to cordon off some space for a U2 performance. Oh wow. I’ve had more interesting comas (NOTE: a lie). When - well, I suppose if - we get televised footage of Bono and Jay-Z goose-stepping back and forth across the wall, let me know, then I’ll summon up a grudging interest.

Because that’s the thing about these awards shows now. No one cares unless something awful or embarrassing happens. Bruno shoving his rear end in Eminem’s face? Excellent - everybody’s talking about it. It’s plastered across the internet within seconds, thus ensuring the ratio of “amount of footage of weird anal activity” to “total number of websites” is kept at the required levels. Who cares that it was all pre-arranged? It’s a damn sight more entertaining than watching Rihanna accept her 400,000th award for “Umbrella”. What’s this one? Best Use Of Repetition in a Chorus? Most Irritatingly Omnipresent Song of the Decade? Bah.

Then there was Kanye-gate. Four months of griping, groaning and overusing a new catchphrase, all because of a stagecrash that at least 76% of the enraged masses didn’t see, and most of them believe was a staged publicity stunt anyway. But what does MTV care? It’s all publicity, and at least it kept people talking about the VMAs. Hey, here’s a question: outside of Taylor Swift and Beyonce, do you remember anyone who won an award that night? No, me neither. They were probably crap.

I’m going somewhere with this: music award shows are unendingly, grotesquely crap things. All of them. Awkward and useless, like a third arm that grows out of your anus. They need a moment of pure, unabashed media-baiting controversy to make them even remotely interesting to anyone with anything more sophisticated than mustard swishing around in their thick consumer skulls. Even going back as far as 1996, to the eternally rubbish Brit Awards, where Jarvis Cocker stormed the stage to moon a Christ-imitating Michael Jackson. Headline news stuff. That is what the EMAs were missing. And MTV should get involved to make sure that something interesting happens at every award show. Of course it’s staged, but who cares, as long as it’s funny? Obviously, they couldn’t repeat that particular piece of bare-bum-at-music-award-show history, but they should have gone bigger. Better. Bummier.

Forget mooning anyone. That’s tame by today’s standards. Instead, have some willing indie upstart take a gigantic shit on Jacko’s grave. Or, better, yet, an unwilling one: imagine a tall, thin man in an immaculate black suit and shades holding a gun to Ben Gibbard’s head, as the Death Cab For Cutie singer sniffs back tears while he clenches out a steamer. Meanwhile, Pink gives a rollicking performance of “Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough” in the background. Let’s see if Zooey Deschanel is still his sweetheart after that has been broadcast in agonisingly clear high-def, non-stop, for a month and a half.

And imagine the fantastic new memes that will sweep the world in the aftermath. Forget stupid JPEGs of Kanye West interruping Patrick Swayze’s funeral: people everywhere will be bursting into occupied toilet stalls, proudly bellowing “Yo, man, I’m-a let you finish, but Ben Gibbard had one of the best bowel movements of all time!” And the victim will laugh and laugh and laugh. Or cry and call the police.

Hell, they had Katy Perry hosting the entire awards show. She seems fun and vacuous enough to be up for something bizarre and memorable. Have her dress up as Dame Judi Dench, and mud wrestle a cow. Or have her and Lady GaGa compete to see who can sexually demean themselves the most with a 50 Cent action figure inside five minutes. R Kelly can judge the contest. Just something.

It doesn’t matter how offensive any of it seems - none of it’s real. Celebrities aren’t real people, after all, and it’s certainly not real controversy. It’s all staged! Fake! It’s just MTV’s unrelenting love affair with reality TV shows like Jackass and Dirty Sanchez brought to its logical, sorry, unreal conclusion. It’s entertainment.

Just before you could say “whatever happened to that Fionn Regan guy?” out he pops from the woodwork, with a talk of a new album – The Shadow Of An Empire – and a selection of performances across the UK to showcase his fresh material.

After his critically acclaimed debut, “The End of History”, was released way back in 2006 and nominated for both the Mercury Music Prize and the Choice Award, the Irishman (from Bray, Co. Wicklow) enjoyed plenty of initial success, but soon disappeared into the world of lost singer-songwriters (which is not too dissimilar to the world of lost pens and plectrums).

His refreshingly unique take on the Dylan/Young sound saw him win fans right across the globe, with a string of shows in the US as well an appearance at Glastonbury – which is not too bad for a performer who claims to have previosuly played in phone boxes and bus depots.

But Regan decided it was time for a sabbatical, and towards the end of 2008, he had been spending a lot of time in the states, and conjured up a wealth of ideas to put down in the studio. Recorded last May, “The Shadow Of An Empire” is the product of his US experiences, and is due for release in February, 2010.

If you happen to be in London towards the end of this month, you can catch him at the London Social on the 16th and the London ULU on the 24th. Performances have also been scheduled for the Cardiff Clwb Ifor Bach on the 12th and Brighton Jamm on the 13th.

Check out this rather disturbing new video for Grizzly Bear’s ‘Ready, Able’ by clicking here.

The video, directed by Allison Schulnik, see’s some clay animation woodland character acting very strangely indeed. Make sure you check out some of Allison’s other work, extremely creative.

‘Ready, Able’ is an album track from the bands latest LP ‘Veckatimest’. No word as of yet whether the song will be released as a single. Watch this space for more details.

Hooray! I love when I get to talk about Irish indie heroes Ham Sandwich, as I’ve done before here, wherein I recount how their gig both melted my face, and rescultped it in a new, smiling, more handsome fashion. But now? Now I bring news of their new single, Out of the Darkness, which is available from here and here, and it’s streaming here. It’s the first song to be made available from their upcoming sophomore album, scheduled for release early next year. (Although I still refuse to believe that 2010 is less than two months away. Slow down, Time!)

My own tragic neuroses aside, Out of the Darkness is a more deliberately “pop” song than anything on their debut album (the truly wonderful Carry The Meek), and it’s a rather splendid pop song at that. It sounds a little bit like Kirsty MacColl crossed with the GoGos, by way of StellaStarr*, although it’s infinitely better - and far less confusing - than that description makes it sound. It certainly spells good things for tomorrow night’s gig in Whelan’s, which I’ll happily be covering. If you’re reading this, and you’re in Ireland, go buy a ticket.

And now? Now a video.

Jay-Z | “99 Problems” | 2004

The thing about Rick Rubin is that he’s concurrently the most and least talented producer of the Aughts. It’d be fascinating if he weren’t so sought after and considered a sultan of sorts. But since he is, it’s horribly irritating because you never know what the results are gonna be, whether he’s producing an entire album of sparse yet hard-hitting beats, masterminding a phenomenal comeback record, ruining Weezer or pushing an already influential thrash metal band to create a perpetually simmering turd. Whatever the case, his unbridled penchant for unpredictability - intentional or not - is frustrating for the very reason that it’s simultaneously the source of his greatest strength and his greatest weakness.

For “99 Problems” he took a risk on two different levels, it’s that simple. First, Rubin and Jay-Z hadn’t worked together before this collaboration so it wasn’t clear if this would work at all. Second, Rubin hadn’t produced anything in rap in years so he was out of practice. And, really do co-producing a Rage album or working on Loud Rocks honestly count? Of course, this may explain the song’s gritty immediacy as well as its explosive nature. Rubin wanted to prove to the rap world - indeed, the music world in general - that he still had it. As for structure, the song’s chorus borrows from the original “99 Problems.” It also samples the beat and guitar riff from “The Big Beat,” as well as subtle uses of “Long Red” and “Get Me Back On Time, Engine No. 9.” The staccato clap-clap gunfire production Rubin delivers here was unlike anything Mr. Carter had ever rapped over.

The song’s greatness isn’t just based upon Rubin’s expertise, though. It’s also based upon - perhaps even more so - Jay’s stellar lyricism. The song’s endlessly quotable, and, more importantly, verse two is the most outstanding verse of 2004. I won’t include the whole thing but here’s a sample wherein Jay imagines a semi-friendly chat between himself and an officer after he’s stopped:

“Well you was doin’ fifty-five in the fifty-four
License and registration and step out of the car
Are you carrying a weapon on you? I know a lot of you are”
I ain’t stepping out of shit, all my papers legit
“Well do you mind if I look around the car a little bit?”
Well, my glove compartment is locked, so is the trunk in the back
and I know my rights, so you gon’ need a warrant for that.
“Aren’t you sharp as a tack! You some type of lawyer or something
somebody important or something?”
I ain’t passed the bar, but I know a little bit,
enough that you won’t illegally search my shit

I grin like an idiot every time I hear that, just as I’m sure Jay  did when he was recording it. But that’s not all. He also uses his trademark word-play:

now once upon a time not too long ago
a nigga like myself had to strong-arm a ho;
this is not a ho in the sense of having a pussy,
but a pussy having no goddamn sense - try and push me

As well as his unparalleled ability to craft punchlines:

you know the type: loud as a motorbike
but wouldn’t bust a grape in a fruit fight

And, finally, Jay’s gift of making a simple point:

rap critics that say he’s “money, cash, hoes”
I’m from the hood, stupid - what type of facts are those?
if you grew up with holes in your zapper toes
you’d celebrate the minute you was having dough

The four-minute track has everything you’d ever want out of a Jay-Z song: humor, imagination, flow, and a dash of ego. It’s also got everything you’d ever want out of Rick Rubin: minimalist production that’s somehow both immediate and distant, a track where its aggregate parts are both stockpiled on the surface and hidden below each other. Think Kanye meets the Bomb Squad. “99 Problems” is the product of two mavens in their respective fields coming together to create this masterpiece, a crown jewel of both careers. As Jay succinctly puts it at the end of the song, “You’re crazy for this one, Rick.” Indeed.

There are two possible scenarios that come to mind when I try to picture a Bon Jovi songwriting session. Obviously, Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora are there. They’re probably joined by their co-writer of choice - say, Desmond Child or Billy Falcone or whoever - and they’re brainstorming ideas for a spanking new set of songs. Scenario one features Richie holding a guitar (idly playing some blues runs that will never, ever make it onto another Bon Jovi album) as Jon’s face slowly erupts into a blinding grin: he has an idea. And it’s a good ‘un. “Hey guys: how about we pick a subset of middle America to patronise?” Last time around, it was country music fans. This time, it’s the working class and the newly-unemployed.

Scenario two is that these songs are Bon Jovi’s genuine attempt to connect with the average Working Joe. I’m not sure which scenario is more depressing.

The problem Bon Jovi run into on The Circle, like a blind bull crashing full-speed into a sturdy wall, isn’t the same problem that plagued most of their post-millennial output: the songs are infinitesimally superior to anything on Have A Nice Day; the social commentary isn’t quite as plodding as Bounce; it’s a comforting balm to soothe the wounds left from the attempted career suicides of This Left Feels Right and Lost Highway. Instead, The Circle finds Bon Jovi struggling with identity in an entirely different way.

They position themselves on this album as the self-appointed spokesmen of the working class, without ever once sounding like they sincerely relate to the people they’re representing. And who can blame them? Jon isn’t the kid who watched games at Giants Stadium - he’s not even the excited rock star who’s playing his first show there. He’s a 40-something multi-millionaire who could fill the stadium to bursting point with mothers and daughters willing to drink any bodily fluid he’d offer up. He owns a football team now. He’s about as working class as German opera.  He’s not living on a prayer, he’s living on a hectare. What you earn in a year, he spends in a week on nuclear-powered teeth whitening. Get my point?

The good news is that it probably doesn’t matter. You’re not listening to Bon Jovi for cutting insight and social commentary, and if you are, you’re probably deluded (or young) enough to find it here. Leave the political finger-wagging to Springsteen and Neil Young, and rejoice in the fact that Bon Jovi have rediscovered the joy of the Huge Chorus.

Rejoice further in the fact that Richie Sambora is back in a big way. Jon has mentioned in recent interviews that Lost Highway was more a Jon Bon Jovi album than any kind of joint effort, due to Sambora’s personal demons. The Circle seems to be the exact opposite: it sounds like Jon’s guitar parts have seriously decreased in number, and Richie’s guitar solos are back front and centre where they belong. The lyrics verge from singable to tolerable to laughable, often within the same song, just like every Bon Jovi album, but the melodies are consistently great. (My personal favourite lyrical clanger: “How does money lead to greed/when there’s still hungry mouths to feed?” How indeed. Of course, the band are hardly innocent in this respect. It’s rather like being lectured on human rights by Dick Cheney.)

Best of all, for perhaps the first time since Crush, there are moments of genuine inspiration here - enough to stamp out any lingering trace of disappointment from the dull, predictable lead single “We Weren’t Born To Follow”. Track two, “When We Were Beautiful”, manages to sound enormous (in a classic U2, stadium-rock-tinged-with-world-music way) and relatively sincere, which helps it stand apart from some of the more disingenuous anthems surrounding it.  I’m looking at you, “Work For The Working Man”: home of the most obvious, focus-group-approved chorus in existence. Also, it pulls off the rather incredible feat of ripping off not one, but two, older Bon Jovi songs, with a bassline that’s equal parts “Living On A Prayer” and Keep The Faith’s hidden gem, “Fear”.

The biggest problem Bon Jovi face, and have faced since their Crush comeback, is some deluded attempt to sound like a bigger, more expensive version of themselves. This means as many guitar tracks as possible (mostly muddled together by sub-standard production - how I miss the clear, distinct guitar attack on These Days) and an overly elaborate string section on each and every ballad: this albums’s main offender is the saccharine, awful “Live Before You Die”. I know Bon Jovi have never exactly been minimalists, but must every slow song drown in orchestral sludge? I can’t help but miss the band that managed to leave “Diamond Ring” well enough alone.

And when it comes right down to it, The Circle might be their strongest album since Crush, but it doesn’t come anywhere near to being as good as These Days or Keep The Faith, or their 80s classics. There’s no pop song as strong as “In These Arms”, no rock song as loose and genuine as “Little Bit Of Soul”, no anthem to match anything from Slippery When Wet or New Jersey. It’s as good as latter-day Bon Jovi gets, but nowhere near as good as they could be.

Weeze Snuggie

I like Weezer, I really do, even though everybody nowadays is up and about calling them sell outs and the likes. The band just found a winning formula, producing music that’s fun and easy to relate to. If you’re on the ‘Weezer sell out’ bandwagen too, keep this in mind: Weezer will never, ever produce another Pinkerton, and I think I’ve said this 1000 times already in one form or the other. They’ve had their intimate and personal records, so cut Weezer some slack. With this is mind, stop building yourself up with anticipation every time you hear the band is working on a new album. Who knows, you might actually enjoy it when it finally ships.

Weezer’s new album, “Ratitude“, came out last week, and even though it has some gruesomely terrible tracks, it still has Weezer written all over it and features “(If You’re Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To” what’s maybe one of their best songs since “Hash Pipe” or “Island in the Sun.” Enough raving, what I wanted to show you today is as equally awesome, as it is lame. Presenting the Weezer Snuggy, an all purpose blankie with sleeves that allegedly is perfect for cutting heating bills, switching TV channels without loosing body heat and wearing around Weezer cult conventions. Please, somebody, anybody, tell me this thing isn’t for real!

Sufjan Stevens once had a plan so ambitious, so preposterous, that it seemed like one of those ‘just crazy enough to work’ things - write a concept album about each of the 50 states. He started off with the midwest when he released the lush “Michigan” in 2003, before carrying  on with the magnificent 2005 “Illinois”, which, among other gems in the tracklist, features “Chicago”, Sufjan’s best song to date by far! Something happen afterwards, though, or should I say nothing happened at all since nothing was heard about the project from there on.

Speaking about Project U.S.A. with Paste Magazine, Sufjan said: “the whole premise was such a joke,” he says now, “and I think maybe I took it too seriously. I started to feel like I was becoming a cliché of myself.” Well, at least the man REALLY believed he could pull this off. Any five year old with basic math knowledge could tell you its almost impossible to pull off - not if you want quality, that is. If Sufjan was to release, let’s say, an album a year, which is pretty often at is, he would still need 50 years to reach his goal. I’m still rooting for a Iowa album, though!

Putting this ‘minor’ set back aside, Sufjan still remains one of the most ambitious and innovative artists in the indie scene today, and his latest release goes to prove just that. Last month, he finally got around releasing the years in the making “The BQE” - a  mixed-medium artistic exploration of the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway. Actually, it’s The BQE that more or less killed his USA project, draining him on all fronts. “In all honesty, that piece is what really sabotaged my creative momentum. It wasn’t Illinois so much,” he says. “I suffered sort of an existential creative crisis after that piece. I no longer knew what a song was and how to write an album. It overextended me in a way that I couldn’t find my way back to the song.”

Like most of you might have already heard, the new Spoon album, titled “Transference“, will be out in early 2010, in January, making for an awesome kick start of the new year. Judging from the few new songs the band have been playing live on tour and “The Mystery Zone”, a new leaked song off Transference, it’s going to be one hell of a album! Over at MySpace, Britt Daniel notes:

This is the first record we’ve made without a producer or heavy of any kind and I don’t know for sure because I’ll never hear this record in the same way that someone who didn’t make it will, but I think you can tell it. When I listen to it I think, hey, that’s how I woulda done it! Which is really what you wanna to hear from a band, isn’t it? This one is pure Spoon. For better or worse and all of it.

The Mystery Zone seems to echo Britt’s words, oozing of classic Spoon riffs and a sincere production. [mp3 via We All Want Someone To Shout For]

[MP3] Spoon - The Mystery Zone

BONUS: a few new Spoon songs that will get featured on Transference played live, courtesy of stereogum:

Spoon - “Is Love Forever?” (Live) (MP3)
Spoon - “Written In Reverse” (Live) (MP3)
Britt Daniel - “Who Makes Your Money” (Live) (MP3)

Them Crooked Vultures have released a new single from their forthcoming self-titled album called “Mind Eraser, No Chaser.” It’s named after the drink, and the song’s lyrics discuss the “dangerous side-effects.”

The song’s typical of what’s already been heard from the band: skittery, sideways riffs running rampant, Dave’s kit pounding and Josh’s swagger behind the mic. It’s playful, it’s fun, it’s awesome. But don’t waste any more time reading this. Go get it.   [Keep in mind you need an iTunes account.]