2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

4. Work is fine if it doesn’t take too much of your time.

5. When everything comes in your way you’re in the wrong lane.

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train..

7. Born free, taxed to death.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.

9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

12. It’s not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

13. I love being a writer… what I can’t stand is the paperwork.

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

19. Beat the 5 O’clock rush, leave work at noon!

20. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

21. It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.

22. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino’s Law of Burnt Fingers

24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

25. Someday is not a day of the week

26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.

28. The road to success…. Is always under construction.

29. Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don’t need it.

31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.

A lawyer and a Chinese are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that all Chinese are so dumb that he could get over on them, easy. So the lawyer asks if the Chinese would like to play a fun game.

The Chinese is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declined, and tries to catch a few winks. The Lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Chinese’s attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from The Earth to the Moon?’ The Chinese doesn’t say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer?

Now, it’s the Chinese’s turn. He asks the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’ The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up.

He wakes up the Chinese and hands him $500. The Chinese pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.

He wakes the Chinese up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?” The Chinese reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Don’t mess with Chinese.

�My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with�you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope�that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening�with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don’t be upset, I�shall be home before midnight.��

When the man came home late that night,�he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear�Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old… I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are� also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.

I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta�with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge�of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until�sometime tomorrow.

After marriage.
You die, up to you.

Long married.
You die I help you!

Before marriage.
You go anywhere. . I follow you.

After marriage. .
You go anywhere. . up to you

Long married.
You go anywhere better get lost!!

Before wedding
You are my heart, you are my love
After wedding
You get on my nerves

Before wedding
You are sweet and kind just like Cinderella

After wedding
You are worse than godzila

Before wedding
Roses are red, violets are blue. Like it or not, I`m stuck
with you

After wedding
Roses are dead, I am blue. You get on my head, I will sue you

Before wedding
Every dinner he brings you to Shangri-La

After wedding
You want to go, he says you wait-la

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.

‘Isn’t it wonderful?’ one gay says to the other. ‘All these unhappy babies .. and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the Superiority of gay love!’

The nurse says, ‘Oh sure, he’s happy now but just watch what happens When we pull the thermometer out of his ass!’

“No problem, just let me in.” said the woman.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.”

“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind…I prefer to stay in Heaven”, said the woman.

“Sorry, we have rules…” And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good- bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

“So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.”

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and Filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. “I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil looked at her and smiled. “Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you’re staff.”

The man said, “Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?”

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor
said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse” and charged
them $60.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an Appointment,
have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

The man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we
can’t go to her house - I’m married and we can’t go to my house. Shangri-la
charges $250.00, Mandarin Oriental charges $280.00 , Le
Meridian charges $230.00. We do it here for $60.00 and I get that back
from “Medical Claim.”

‘Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.’

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, ‘I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.’ The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, ‘Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends

you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??’

‘Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.’

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, “Putting Your Affairs In Order.”