Welcome to This Week in WTF?! Remember those insane Japanese Arnold Schwarzenegger commercials for some sort of crazy energy drink? Imagine that madness distilled into videogame news form, and you'll have some idea of what I have to deal with every week.

This week: Nickelodeon justifies why you can't throw a rock in a GameStop without hitting a s**tty licensed game; Rockstar steals from a hooker and gives to higher education; Uwe Boll manages to piss off even chewing gum; and Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe reminds us why Superman is a horrible, horrible superhero (that's right, I said it). Meanwhile, no one notices any of it since everybody and their late night comedian is still obsessed with Grand Theft Auto IV.

(Oh, and uh, ahem -- happy Mother's Day, mom!)

THQ/Nickelodeon Partnership Yields $1 Billion in Sales

You know why the Wii and DS are bombarded with useless pieces of crap that only exist to have a brand written on the box art? Because clueless parents buy a billion dollars worth of this tripe. I'm pretty sure you could stuff a DVD case full of severed Arabian camel dongs, and parents would still buy it for their kids as long as it said "Nickelodeon's Dongy the Arabian Camel" on the cover.

But as far as I can tell, all this money was actually made off of games based on a show about a sponge, and shows that have two names in the title. Since I'm not one to ever miss out on a cynical money-making opportunity, this is why I'm officially launching my line of children's programming, featuring the exciting adventures of BoxJim Tophat and The Existential Being of Maximilius & Farnigy.

I'm waiting, interested licensors.

GTA4's Sales Benefit Oxford University

We learned this week that Grand Theft Auto IV is helping to fund Oxford University, which is an insane development in its own right. But the more interesting bit of this story, at least to me, was this revelation: "GTA4's Euphoria Engine is behind the unique movement of the Liberty City citizens... and it was developed by the Oxford spin-off company NaturalMotion using research from Oxford University's Zoology department." That's right -- their Zoology department. So that explains the strange, seemingly-acid-induced experience I had playing the game the other day.

Stride Gum Vs. Uwe Boll

Look, I'm only including this one out of respect for how patently ridiculous it is. But honestly? I'm utterly burnt out on the mad capers of Uwe Boll. Unless this clown suddenly announces he'll be directing his own George W. Bush docu-drama to rival Oliver Stone's, he's officially dead to me.

But I'm a professional, and I did manage to write a joke for this story: What's mildly diverting for about a minute of its lifetime, then immediately loses all worth and is discarded in a grimy, nasty alley where the only purpose it serves for the rest of its depressing existence is to annoy people who accidentally step on it?

Why, Stride gum of course. Who'd you think I was referring to?

Mortal Kombat vs. DC To Feature Milder Fatalities

Remember when you were a kid, and you and a friend would be playing with action figures? And in the middle of an epic battle between, say, Batman and The Joker, your friend would suddenly lift Batman high in the air, out of The Joker's reach? And you'd be like, "Hey, Batman can't fly!" And your friend would be all, "Nuh uh! He totally can! It's uh... magic! He's using his Magic Bat-Cape today."

This is, literally, the exact explanation we were given this week for why Superman wouldn't instantly crush every on-comer in Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe. "The Mortal Kombat universe is surrounded by magic -- I mean, we have sorcerers, people from the Nether realms; we have chi and magic attacks," said Ed Boon, presumably while struggling to keep a straight face. "So, remember that cataclysmic event which merges the universes? The source of that is magic. When you mix that in, that explains why Superman, who can move a mountain, who can push a planet, is, in this scenario, weakened a bit."

Now, in Boon's defense, this completely ludicrous explanation is in line with every other completely ludicrous explanation Superman has always required to justify why any confrontation he's in doesn't end in 30 seconds. Superman could, if he wanted to, fly a mile into the sky and murder anyone within his line of sight. And yet Lex Luther -- who, let's get real here, is just a bald dude -- somehow always manages to nearly kill him with kryptonite. I say if we've always accepted that a bald, middle-aged man with a rock poses a legitimate threat to the mountain-moving, planet-pushing Man of Steel, then yes, goddamn it, a magic-chi-wielding Sub-Zero should have a chance to nearly kill him too.

Mortal Kombat vs. DC To Feature Milder Fatalities

And finally, in a rare double-whammy inclusion, I'd be remiss if I didn't also point out what Boon said about the milder finishing moves they're planning for the latest installment of this traditionally gory game. "We did acknowledge that we won?t be able to do the same kinds of outrageous moves, like tearing someone's head off and the spine being attached to it... But it's certainly not a feature we plan on eliminating from the series."

Read between the lines here, people, and I think you'll understand just where Midway is restraining themselves.

MK vs Marvel
Does anyone want to see scorpion and spiderman beating the crap out of each other?

here's a game
Mortal Kombat vs Spongebob Square Pants

Should have used
Marval or Dark Horse Comics. Then you could have used real fatalities.

MK vs DC
Thank you for saying what I've been saying about superman for half my life.

Anyone Know where I can get a copy of a Boxjim tophat?
Doesn't surprise me, those nickeloden games are mindless garbage, but kids dig em because they are games of the same garbage shows they watch on tv. But hey if u want ur kids to become mind dead..................... Btw Uwe Boll moves do suck but like wholy shit i heard some guy say this sites obsessed with uwe and i agree.

so what..
who cares what you think about nickelodeon games, the majority of kids acctually like them. I bet if you had your way every 9 year old in the country would be playing Grand Theft Auto. Well it's a good thing you don't because 9 year olds need to be playing games like spongebob, because they are age appropriate. Get a flippin grip on reality here man. Oh and one more thing, superman does suck!!

Thank you...
I honestly thought the BoxJim TopHat pic would be the funniest thing I saw all day. Then one of you wrote that wonderful themesong. Thank you both for harder than necessary laughing fits.

MK vs DC
Must we always fall into the fanboy trap of debating this kind of thing? Let's face it, if we demanded things that "Made Sense" in our videogames, what would we be playing? Pong 2008? Boon's explanation of Supes' weakness to magic are grounded in comic continuity. It's been that way since at least the 60's. And yes, we've all heard the "Supes could kill everyone within 30 seconds" garbage before. Thing is, he doesn't work that way. And besides, there are plenty of people in the DCU that can give him a run for his money power wise. OH GOD, now I'm falling into the trap!!! I'll just quickly add, however, that in the JLA/Avengers crossover, Supes beat the mead outta Thor, and wrestled an ANGEL OF THE HOST in an issue of JLA. Besides, it's pretty much a given that Ryu couldn't beat Wolverine in a fight...but look how well Marvel vs Capcom turned out, right?

Good one.
"Who lives in a dumpster out by the street? Box-Jim Top-Hat!"

Superman Sucks?!
Hell, I agree ... that it's my dick!

Best article you've ever written.
This one has A+ written all over it. Usually I get one laugh out of the whole thing, this time every joke was funny. My quote of the week has just become this: "I'm pretty sure you could stuff a DVD case full of severed Arabian camel dongs, and parents would still buy it for their kids as long as it said "Nickelodeon's Dongy the Arabian Camel" on the cover."

Finally!
Your best article yet. Actually, just the Superman part. The rest was the usual fair of just-nearly-cracking-a-smile stuff.

Properties I'd play.
I would buy The Existential Being of Maximilius & Farnigy, but with all the meaningless horror in the world I don't know how I'll manage to play it.

Mild Fatalaties is like n/a beer
Really, whats the point? Are you THAT addicted to the taste or Mortal Combat?

NICE!
just hope they do a great job on the game, just something that a go down in history,the book of the best games ever lol

Best WTF week
I like how MK vs DC will have milder fatalities than the previous MK games. Its going to be weird seeing no blood and gore, wonder if its going to be like MK Armageddon.