Not My Hair
by Anti-Racist Parent columnist Liza Talusan
Daughter #1 is at it again.. the hair. All the smart anti-racist parents called it a few months ago when I posted about the issues my 4- year old daughter is having with her hair. Her big, curly, beautiful hair. Joli has the kind of hair that people want to touch (which, yes, I have issues about, but let’s put that aside for a minute). It’s the kind of hair that people say, “I wish I had your hair!”
But, being the 4-going-on-14-year-old that she is, Joli hates her hair.
Why is this complicated?
Mom (Filipina) has black, straight hair. Sister (also biracial Filipina/Puerto Rican) has loose wavy hair. Joli - thick, black, curly hair. Dad (Puerto Rican), well, used to be thick curly hair, but has decide
d to go with the shaved head look once he turned 30-something.
None of us have hair like Joli. Only Joli does the extra 2 minute deep conditioning. Only Joli uses the spray in detangler, or, if it’s Friday night, the leave in V05 hair oil. Only Joli cries when she sees the white, wide tooth comb coming out of the hair supplies box, knowing full well that we’ll hear the sound of crying over the LL Cool J that Daddy is bumpin’ in the living room.
We all love Joli’s hair. If you’ve followed some of my posts, you’ll know that Joli lost her hair when she turned 2 years old. She endured 6-months of chemotherapy to kill the cancer cells in her body, lost her beautiful baby afro, and was often called a “boy” even though she work pink hats with butterflies on them. When Joli’s hair started to grow back, it signaled increasing health and a return to her childhood. Her hair has great meaning to me. I love her hair.
Once Joli’s hair got a long enough to pull into first 2-puffs on either side of her head, and then 1-big puff at the back, she started to hate it. She cried just before getting into the bath, begging me to wet her hair quickly so that it would stop getting big after she took it out of her hair elastic. If someone saw her hair between the time she removed the elastic to the time it was soaking wet under the shower, she would scream “Don’t look at my hair!!”
We’ve asked people with hair like Joli’s to talk to her. I even went and hired a babysitter who actually had hair like Joli’s, hoping the would play fun girlie games like dress up or “hair dresser” or something. Even when her two blind friends that she met at Camp Sunshine said that “They know it’s Joli because they can feel her hair”, Joli still hated her hair.
Jorge and I play India.Aire’s “I Am Not My Hair.” We point out that different people have different hair when we are in diverse groups. Joli’s friends are incredibly diverse, too, and many of them go through the same hair care rituals. Joli has watched as her friend Hayley’s braids were removed. While visiting her abuelo and abuela, she has watched women in the salon down in Queens, NY get their hair deep conditioned and blown dried.
I think about our journey with Joli’s hair because it keeps reminding me about Anti-Racist parenting. Recent posts have touched on the effect that we have and the impact we try to make with our children and our communities. I write a lot about how hard it is, even as an Anti-Racist parent and as a 9am-5pm diversity facilitator, to create an environment that always encourages our children. I write this to point out that even those who are well-versed in anti-racist movements also struggle. That, we don’t always get it right. That, we don’t always have the answers all the time. That we can set up the ideal situations, and yet our children are still their own free spirits who must experiment with their world.
When Joli brings up her hair (or, rather, when she is screaming about her hair), my husband and I reflect back her feelings. We never argue with her about it. We never say, “No, you’re wrong, Joli. Your hair is beautiful.” Because, to her, she has created her truth. We do ask her more questions, “Can you tell me more about why you don’t like your hair?” or “Is there something you’ve seen or heard that makes you feel that way?”
I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t a little disappointed that she hates her hair so much. We frequently talk about how she and her sister are beautiful - both inside and outside. We talk about the beauty of their skin color, the interracial make up of our immediate and our extended families, the racial and ability diversity of her friends, the diverse family combinations (gay married, single, divorced, mom/dad, etc) of her friends, and range of body types (from sizes 2-20) in our extended family. We read stories with racially diverse characters, watch tv shows with good messages about diversity, and listen to all types of genres of music. Joli even comes to some of my college lectures on race and racism.
Yet, my child. She hates her hair.
I’m hoping that this hatred of her hair, too, shall pass. And, maybe it won’t. But, I know that my husband and I are doing our best to be supportive, honest, and encouraging of the process that my daughter is going through as she learns to navigate her emotions and her experiences as a young, biracial child.
Anti-racism is a process. And, I’m not ready to give up just yet.
Liza Talusan is the Director of Intercultural Affairs at a small Catholic college in Massachusetts. She is an active member of Asian Sisters Participating in Reaching Excellence (www.girlsaspire.org) and believes that mentoring is one of the best way to make changes in this world. She serves as an advisor and mentor to students of color as well as to organizations designed to educate and promote cultural diversity. And, she’s often found causing trouble….
Image courtesy of benster1970 on Flickr.
Carmen Van Kerckhove is co-founder and president of 
Jeff wrote:
1) She’s four. My four year old is cuckoo about all sorts of things. Not the most rational age.
2) My couldn’t-be-any-whiter, blond mother-in-law vividly remembers her parents keeping her hair short when she was a child because if it had any length, she’d have fits when it came time to comb, wash, or do anything with it. What I mean is she might not “hate her hair” for it’s racial connotations but rather for “I’m learning how to have opinions” reasons. Which would actually imply that your diversity lessons were very successful.
Posted 02 Jul 2008 at 9:19 am ¶
Nari wrote:
I LOVED this post. You nearly broke my heart, but your commitment to nurture both Joli’s independence of thought and an anti-racist perspective is truly beautiful.
Posted 02 Jul 2008 at 10:30 am ¶
Sharon wrote:
I wonder how much of it is the extra work required to care for her hair (both time and discomfort). Or the extra attention it attracts from others?
I am interested to see how my own daughter (almost 3) will do with her hair over time. I have stick-straight hair, currently cut very short. May daughter’s hair is wavy/curly and I haven’t had it cut yet. She hates having it combed, but seems to feel positive about its appearance. She often gets compliments on it. One day when we were out, she began interacting with another mom who happened to have shoulder-length wavy/curly hair. The mom said to my daughter, “what beautiful curly hair you have.” My daughter replied, “you have beautiful hair, too.” Surprised, I said, “What a nice thing for you to say!” Then my daughter continued, “But mama don’t have any beautiful hair!”
Posted 02 Jul 2008 at 12:00 pm ¶
Lyonside wrote:
Sounds like you’re going above and beyond what most parents would do to negate the “hair” issues. Getting back to that age in my head is kind of hard, but I’m going to try… this is just armchair psychology, but I wondered as I read the post:
1) could part of the hair issue be associations with her illness and the hair loss/growing back? Does she have any (mis)conceptions of what her hair used to be like before her chemotherapy?
2) being the only one in the family with something different or unique always stinks on some level, and at that age it doesn’t matter if outsiders have the same thing - the core family is what matters. I wonder if the hair being visably different is just icing on the cake, since she also has the disability with her sight? She may be expressing anger wtih her hair, but not other things that she might still be dealing with.
Posted 02 Jul 2008 at 12:05 pm ¶
h sofia wrote:
It sounds like you are doing everything right. It’s hard to know in a 4 year old’s brain why she hates her hair. Has she given a reason?
Posted 02 Jul 2008 at 2:36 pm ¶
Krystal wrote:
When I read this, I had the same thought as Jeff’s #2 in the first comment. My 5-yr old neice feels the same way about her hair, which is blonde and curly. It is in a permanent pony tail, and when you take it down to wash it, she literally falls into tears because she hates her hair so much. Maybe she would dislike the care of *any* hair at this age . . .
It certainly sounds like you are doing everything that you can to encourage your daughter to embrace her beautiful hair. Thank you for sharing this great post.
Posted 02 Jul 2008 at 3:06 pm ¶
BCmomtobe wrote:
Lyonside brought up some very good points. I grew up hating my hair, and wanted short straight hair like the boys. After I hacked off my bangs to the scalp with the dullest pair of scissors in the house, my mother relented and I got the short haircut I wanted.
I am Caucasian, and my hair is fine, and the curl varies from wavy to little ringlets, to frizz, according to weather, and the phase of the moon for all I know. I fully understand anyone’s Rosanne Rosanadana comments. I swear I must have forgotten to pay the gravity bill in some other lifetime.
I grew my hair out again as an adult. One hot humid, day I had a head-full of frizz that I couldn’t even get my fingers through. I went to the nearest hairdresser and now it is cut short. With the comfort and ease of short hair, along with all the compliments from others, I am not going to grow it back.
I wonder if Joli is also associating her hair with pain. The pain of combing it, the boy comments from others, and like Lyonside mentioned, having it all fall out. I also wonder if she wants a particular hairstyle that she doesn’t currently have. Does she want shorter hair? I’m not sure if this is the answer, but I thought I’d put it out there.
Right now it is likely she doesn’t understand the connection between racism and hair. She may as she grows up, and can take more care of it herself.
I am really glad her parents are teaching her to value herself as she is. At four, she sees her hair negatively, but at 14 she will have a different perspective.
Posted 02 Jul 2008 at 3:49 pm ¶
Yvette wrote:
I wonder why so often when parents discuss the hair, skin tone and other issues their children of color are having, some folks are quick to discount these feelings as not having anything to do with race. Is it because it hurts us too much to think of the fact that racism can hurt children at such young ages? Is it because we want to deny that racism can be internalized so young?
The bottom line is:
Even if this particular hair issue described so poignantly by Liza is developmental, or associated with pain or previous bouts of serious illness, or is something shared by non-POC with curly hair–
Even if all of this is true, it is also true that the nature of institutionalized racism will likely continue to chip away at the confidence of the POC with hair issues in a way that it will not work against White children and adults. In that event, we are wise to treat these kinds of feelings and assertions of our little ones as serious and direct our anti-racist parenting energies to dealing with them.
Sounds like you are committed to this battle for the long run, and I commend you for it. Thank you for sharing!
Posted 02 Jul 2008 at 5:31 pm ¶
curlyscales wrote:
Ooo-wee! What a great post! I, too, grew up hating my hair it was too thick and it had some length and no one wanted to deal with it. At the age of 8, I moved in with my grandmother, received my first perm at the age of 12 and then it all fell out. But another reason for my hatred was because, as one post pointed out, pain was totally associated with my hair. I was not allowed to touch it much less marvel at when I was young so there was no appreciation until I was in my 20s!!!! And those who were honored with doing my hair, made it seem like such a horrible chore it made me ashamed. Nowadays I love my hair and once my daughter became old enough, I made sure she got to know her tresses immediately. She has been washing and conditioning her hair since she was about 6 and we are always on the prowl for hair products that suit her texture. While I don’t believe in perms, I do subscribe to products that help to release the tightness of her natural curl because pain is pain and it is hard to feel beautiful about something that makes you cry – this is from personal experience.
Posted 02 Jul 2008 at 6:22 pm ¶
kristine wrote:
Thank-you.
Posted 02 Jul 2008 at 7:57 pm ¶
Clueless WW wrote:
This reminds me of a time when my daughter, also 4, was told by a preschool teacher that her hair was “too long” when she was putting it in a ponytail one day. I think this was brought on her straight/wavy hair, which gets crazy-tangled when it’s humid, is annoying to try to get into ponytail holders. I don’t believe it was malicious, just a bit shortsighted… because that day when she got home, my daughter decided to cut her hair so it wouldn’t be too long any more.
I’m just glad I caught her before she managed more than a few snips with the scissors.
It’s hard to see your child hate something about herself, and when it’s brought on by an unthinking comment from somebody, it’s harder. But you’re being “supportive, honest, and encouraging” — and that’s the best thing to be to support her!
Posted 02 Jul 2008 at 8:16 pm ¶
Liza wrote:
Thanks everyone! As I just finished the bed-time routine (and, yes, the hair drama) with Daughter #1, it was comforting to come back to ARP and read comments.
I do agree — she’s 4. And, she and her sister do duke it out over some of the most ridiculous things: My Little Pony’s, which pajama to wear, hating the pajama she is given, etc.
And, to echo Yvette’s comments, I do realize that, while what she is experiencing at this moment may be a result of a) being 4, b) being a cancer survivor, c) having a mom with straight hair, d) all of the above + 100 more, I realize that I need to prepare her for the issues that will come about about her hair and it’s judged beauty.
What I find most compelling about anti-racist parenting is that we need to give our children messages about race/racism early so that we don’t have to wait for that crucial moment when it just blows up in their faces. I want to connect her experience to being a child, to being a cancer survivor, and most importantly, to being a bi-racial child.
I figure the stronger I can make her now, the less she’ll have to panic later.
Thanks for your great comments! Looking forward to reading more!
Posted 02 Jul 2008 at 8:24 pm ¶
Lyonside wrote:
>I wonder why so often when parents discuss the hair, skin tone and other issues their children of color are having, some folks are quick to discount these feelings as not having anything to do with race.
Yvette: I don’t think anyone here is saying it absolutely COULDN’T be race, but a 4 year old’s “race” concept is fluid and inexact (much like the actual definition of “race”) and hasn’t been codified. One of Liza’s earlier columns dealt with that fluidity. Many kids will look at something like a hair texture or eye color, or even attire, and assign a race they’re familiar with, rather than look at the facial features or skin color etc. that an older child or adult may use.
But the thing is, it’s less likely to be SOLELY about race, due to Liza’s daughter’s age and the other people in her family. It’s likely to be a combination of factors, like most stages of personal development and self-imagery.
Posted 02 Jul 2008 at 9:18 pm ¶
Samantha wrote:
There are so many books out there for children who struggle with this very thing! I teach at an inner city school in the Bronx and my classroom is full of these beautiful books. I know people say your daughter is only four, but I actually think this is a serious thing for some girls regardless of age. I hope some of these books can help your daughter feel good about her gorgeous hair.
http://www.amazon.com/Happy-Be-Nappy-Jump-Sun/dp/0786804270/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1215052609&sr=1-1
Posted 02 Jul 2008 at 9:40 pm ¶
Shortstuff wrote:
It definitly won’t be easy, it sounds like your daughter and I have the exact same hair. What she has in her favor is that she has a mother and father who celebrate her hair along with who she is. Just keep on doing that. I am half puerto rican, and I am the only one of my parents children who has hair that “had to be tamed” as a child. As I have grown and matured I have come to realize how beautiful and unique my hair is, and appreciate the compliments that I receive on a frequent basis. She will too, with your help.
Posted 03 Jul 2008 at 10:11 am ¶
k.c.w. wrote:
Liza - Thanks for sharing. It could be my story or that of many women & mothers.
A product side note: I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Carol’s Daughter products. I use the vanilla leave in conditioner & hair milk on all my children - as well as my own- (daughter 12 w/ waist length thick & curly, daughter 10 w/ shoulder thick & wavy,& 18 month son with a short big curl fro). But I encourage you to go to the store (Sephora) and feel all her products. Good Luck!
Posted 03 Jul 2008 at 11:39 am ¶
gm wrote:
Joli sounds so much like my daughter was when she about 3 or 4. She’s now 10 and seems to have gotten over whatever was motivating her to react as she did about her hair. It did take a lot of work on my part. I braided her hair, had it professionally braided at African salons and eventually she requested locs. We are now painstainkly taking her locs out one by one and this is a labor of love. She doesn’t want very short hair so this is why we have chosen to comb the locs out instead of cut them. Now I don’t recommend these things for everyone but what it did do for my daughter was teach her to love the wonderful versatility of her hair and her hair style choices. She now understands what her hair can do and can’t do and she seems to be very comfortable with that. This is exactly what I was aiming for and I couldn’t be more satisfied.
Posted 03 Jul 2008 at 12:25 pm ¶
more cowbell wrote:
That’s hard, as a mom, and hard on the little one. My girls, also biracial, hated the hair maintenance when they were younger. HATED it. My eldest, whose curls are tighter, most of all. Her sister’s hair is much looser, so there was also that dynamic to deal with. I hated the whole thing about constantly battling against society’s standards of beauty, the media and those “well meaning” comments.
Anyway, fast forward — the girls are now 20 & 18, and are at different places hair wise. The eldest now LOVES her hair, and I love the fact that she is very proud of her hair. She does not process it in any way. She wears it lots of different ways - braids, twists, free curls and when it’s short enough, she’ll comb it out into the biggest afro she can.
Last week she had to get a new passport picture. She wore her hair down. The photo folks, both white, were all in a tizzy about whether the picture would be “legal” because her hair was out of the picture frame at the lower half. She refused to adjust it or tie it back, and said she thought it was the best passport picture she’d ever taken.
I strongly believe that the constant focus/discussion in our household on matters of diversity and privilege played a huge part in how she sees herself, her pride and love of her hair, and what her hair represents to her. It sounds like you are starting that much earlier than I did (I was still in the “color-blind” mentality when the girls were very young) — I’m betting that will have a huge positive influence on Jolie as she grows up.
My middle daughter does straighten her hair sometimes, but does not process it. I feel like she’s still trying to balance that high school mindset of wanting to fit in, with her growing confidence and independence. (She’s off for college this fall
My son used to keep his hair very short, and didn’t like it when it got too long, but the past couple of years, he’ll grow it out and wear an afro. (except for track or summer football workouts). He has to put up with lots of comments from the white kids at school — not necessarily “bad”, but definitely calling attention to it on a daily basis. I like that he doesn’t let it stop him, in fact it’s like he wants people to see him, to really see him. He loves his hair and thinks it’s “cool”.
Again, I believe that message/focus at home, and also his sister’s strong example, has had a strong influence on his confidence. It took a while, for both of them, to grow into that.
All that to say — you are setting a strong foundation of core beliefs for your kids, and that will continue to take root as they grow up. Yes as POCs they will have to deal with society constantly forcing its “norms” on them, but your family’s message over the years is going to be more important and effective than you can yet see. Good luck, and keep doing what you’re doing.
Posted 03 Jul 2008 at 12:45 pm ¶
more cowbell wrote:
Holy crap — I didn’t realize I wrote that much! So sorry for bogarting the comments section…
Posted 03 Jul 2008 at 12:47 pm ¶
BCmomtobe wrote:
Thanks Lyonside, you said it so well. While I truly acknowledge that a 4 year old can absorb many negative attitudes toward Black hair. I think there could be additional factors to Joli’s dislike of her hair. For all we know, she could be mad at it, for falling out, and then for hurting her, and being different from her family.
Posted 03 Jul 2008 at 1:48 pm ¶
Yvette wrote:
I do hear you, Lyonside. I’ve actually researched these very issues so am familiar with the developmental aspects of children’s cognitions about race. However, I have also frequently been part of conversations where developmental arguments, as well as “universal” arguments (e.g., “I am White and I, too, hated my hair…”) are brought in very early to contrast the parents’ concerns about racism, institutional bias, White beauty norms, etc.
I think I understand what is going on: Folks may be trying to make the parent feel less worried or upset. And that is intriguing to me. Why do we avoid thinking about the hurt that racism can cause our young children? Why would we want to make a parent feel better by saying “Oh, maybe it is not about racism, maybe it is just _____” ?
As I said, regardless of whether or not a child’s hair issues are solely about race is not really the issue–at least not for me, a Black parent of Black daughters. What is the issue is that as my daughters grow up, they are likely going to continue to be bombarded with images and messages making clear that the way they look is not valued by the larger society. So a simple developmental issue can very quickly turn into an internalized racism issue.
I think a dilemma for anti-racist parenting is always going to be: Is my message strong enough (delivered early enough/clear enough/catchy enough/etc.) to combat all the others? A lot of time I think folks are looking for spaces where they can have these kinds of conversations with other parents–Why this site is so popular and wonderful! But even in spaces like this it seems like it is often difficult to address.
Posted 03 Jul 2008 at 2:07 pm ¶
curlyscales wrote:
Okay, I am reading a lot about the concept of loving and hating ones hair but what about the pratical side of black hair care? We use the same tools that are basically used for very straight hair textures with some adjustments of course.
We have reinvented ourselves but we are still using the same products and methods we have always used. I too love Carol’s Daughter products and use them all of the time but when I am combing my baby’s hair, and she has tears in her eyes, it can leave you feeling very powerless.
It takes hours to do my hair and my daughter’s hair and I don’t think that we should have to bear the brunt of that pain anymore. I believe we can continue to create products that will make doing and maintaining our hair textures a lot easier.
I know this is not what some may want to hear but…
Posted 03 Jul 2008 at 5:45 pm ¶
Jade wrote:
Hey Liza…it’s your lovely (former) intern chimming in on this topic. I remember how you told me that Vanda had a convo with Jolie about her hair too and that they sorta bonded over that.
Anyways, I hated my hair when I was 4yrs old. I had a dense, dense afro that my parents felt frustrated in combing and detangling. I would scream and cry so much that eventually they just cut all my hair off into a buzz cut until I was 5 yrs old. My mom then let it grow out again when I was 7yrs old and began relaxing my hair b/c she was sick of my screaming and crying. Her friends protested and said I was too young for the chemical treatments but she said she was tired of me being in pain and being mortified by just the sight of a comb.
I still have issues with my hair. I think all of our college saw my multiple hair transformations. Just today I went to the hair salon and got it relaxed again b/c I re-experienced the hardship my parents went through with my natural hair the past 2yrs and grew sick of it. My hair is soft now (like your hair) and it’s a short type of bob cut. It’s cute.
It sounds to me that Jolie is just physically tired of going through all the seperate routines for her hair compared to her immediate family. At least she wasn’t like me when at age 4 I had already internalized that I had “bad hair” (you have prob heard that from other latinos who use those terms). My mom still refers to our hair as “bad hair” and it bothers me when she does.
Liza, you are going above and beyond what any parent would normally do to make sure your precious daughters do not get bombarded by external media messages about what their self worth should be. But, like I said before, I think you just need to think about the issue at their level at their age. Jolie probably just want to be like her friends, not go through long hair rituals, and not have to deal with the loss and re-growth of her hair due to the ocular cancer.
I hope I made sense with all I said above. Those are my two cents. Best of luck and call me sometime!
Posted 03 Jul 2008 at 7:33 pm ¶
BCmomtobe wrote:
Curlyscales, your comments re: hair care are something I most definitely want to hear. I most certainly don’t want to find out by trial and error what works and what doesn’t.
Posted 03 Jul 2008 at 7:39 pm ¶
Elizabeth wrote:
Thank you Yvette:
“I think I understand what is going on: Folks may be trying to make the parent feel less worried or upset. And that is intriguing to me. Why do we avoid thinking about the hurt that racism can cause our young children? Why would we want to make a parent feel better by saying “Oh, maybe it is not about racism, maybe it is just _____” ?”
It IS hard watching our children struggle, feel sadness, be the object of hate, etc. And if we don’t allow them (and ourselves) to embrace these difficult emotions, feel & move through the sadness we will depress ourselves, making it increasing more difficult to access core emotions. The last thing we need is a bunch of depressed anti-racist children and parents running around!
Thank you for keeping it real.
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 12:35 am ¶
Lorraine wrote:
I know this has been said 82 different ways already, but I do agree with Yvette that there is likely more going on here. There are probably multiple reasons, sure, but it just strikes me that kids are very adept at taking in society’s messages.
As a white person who is still learning, I struggle with one black friend who still insists that there is such a thing as “good hair” and “bad hair” no matter how many times I tell her not to call anything “bad” that God made . . . and another friend who was so afraid that her child would be a girl because “Then I’d have to deal with her hair.”
I also have a (white) friend who has curly hair and a daughter with stick-straight hair who has said things like, “when I grow up and have curly hair like you . . . ” so I do think there’s something to the “identifying with mom” thing, but I also think that our society has done a number on all of us and even a four-year-old is smart enough to know it.
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 11:55 pm ¶
Kid Funkadelic wrote:
I know this sounds simple but have you thought of getting a relaxer? How about braids.As a black person I understand how she feels.she’s not being difficult because she’s 3, its the extra notice that she gets.She could also get it pressed.That’s my 2 cents, I hope it helps.BTW,she’s a cute kid.
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 6:56 am ¶
Lyonside wrote:
Elizabeth/Yvette: I’m kind of annoyed at the idea that I’m (or anyone else is) trying to placate another parent by offering additional aspects of the dilemma. Rarely is any difficult internal conflict caused and solved by one solitary thing, any more than difficult external conflicts.
Maybe it’s my scientific background, maybe it’s my INTJ personality bleeding through, but the first thing I personally do when faced with a difficult problem is brainstorm possibilities and rationales and wait for data and additional options or events to either prove or disprove the ideas. If one doesn’t work, then I have no problems kicking them to the side, but the mere presence of alternate or complimentary causes doesn’t mean that I’m avoiding hurt or not “keeping it real.”
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 8:48 am ¶
Fat Lady wrote:
Both my girls have big, curly hair like Joli’s. The older ones hair is thicker and has a little more texture than the younger one - but both of them have a head full!
With my oldest, for years I thought I was doing everything right. Lovingly caring for it. Combing it, detangling it, braiding and twisting it. Blessed with the same head of hair as a child (mine has gotten thinner and straighter with age) but a family that didn’t know what to do with it I was cursed to wear the same hair-style throughout my childhood. So I determined that I would show my daughters variety. Barrettes and ponytail holders of every kind helped me devise a thousand different variations of styles I already knew.
And yet, despite the loving attention, despite the creativity of coming up with a ton of different styles for her to wear. At around 4 years old my child started complaining about her hair. She hated it. She wanted “flat” hair like her best friend.
I think the one thing I handled differently than you - and I’m not saying that either approach is right or wrong - is that when she said she hated her hair, I would tell her all the things I loved about her hair. I think that with both adults and kids, sometimes, saying “I don’t like_____ about myself,” really means, “Tell me I’m OK.” I mean, I know when I tell my husband that I feel fat, I don’t want him to tell me it’s OK to feel that way - I want him to reassure me that I’m not as fat as I feel.
Not that both approaches aren’t valid - yes, kids do need for their feelings to be accepted by adults. But I think sometimes it’s necessary to look beyond the surface emotions and notice when a child is really looking for reassurance. For me, I felt that my daughter’s denouncement of her hair showed a need to be assured that her hair was indeed beautiful.
We focused a lot on the fact, that though her hair required more work and maintenance, that it could do SO much. We talked about how things could be different and good at the same time. Her friend’s hair had the nice qualities of being soft and not requiring maintenance. But her own hair could be put in many styles that her friend’s hair could never hold. Versatility vs. Ease. Not a competition - just two very nice realities.
The big mistake I think I made for years with my oldest child was not letting her and us enjoy her hair in it’s most natural state. I was always so busy, combing, conditioning, and styling that I never thought about the message I was sending in doing all that. Suddenly, it hit me one day when my older daughter was about 6 and I realized that the only time I ever saw her hair out and free was when I washed it. The only time she had her hair out and free was when she was also being forced to sit still and have it washed and styled.
She never got to run through the park with her hair bouncing around her face. Never got to hang upside down from the monkey bars and feel her hair surrounding her head. Never got to feel the wind pushing through it, making every strand zing and sing. She never got to experience her own hair to its fullest.
At the same time as I was telling her how beautiful her hair was, I was also teaching her that her hair was something to be restrained and tamed. I was sending a mixed message and even I had a hard time untangling those thoughts.
So I began letting her wear it out and free. This was something I had feared, had even looked down on for years when I saw other children with curly, springy hair like hers running around with it loose. I thought it’s looked unruly, wild and I was afraid of how hard it would be to comb through the tangles.
What I discovered was that both she and I discovered a new appreciation for her hair. It was fun, and pretty and striking and dynamic when it was loose. It made us both smile and laugh to see it that way - to experience it free. And suddenly I began to appreciate other children’s hair out and in it’s truly most natural state.
And surprisngly, I discovered that while, yes, it did tangle - not any worse than it did when coming out of small braids or some other styles that I’d used to restrain it. And a little water and some healthy hair butter and the tangle would comb right out - as easily as they did after being washed and conditioned.
With my little one, who is 3yo now, I’ve applied the lessons learned with her older sister. I don’t make as big of a fuss about doing her hair. I leave it alone a lot. If she’s willing to sit and let me do something with it, fine, if not - that’s fine too. She wears her hair out and free more often than not. So far, so good. She is more comfortable with her hair than her sister was at this age.
And my oldest, well she’s 9 now and wants to lock her hair, which is fine with me - though I will miss playing with it in the ways we used to. But she also told me the other day, “Curly hair is SO much better than straight hair.” When I asked her why, she basically said all the things that I’d told her. She talked about how versatile her hair is - how she can wear it curly and out , or in braids or cornrows, how we can even flat iron it straight - so her hair can do everything straight hair can - but straight hair can’t do everything curly hair can.
I tried to tell her that I think all different kinds of hair are wonderful and that everyone should feel that the hair on their head is the best hair. She basically said that yeah, that it was nice for people to believe that, but hers really IS the best!
All that is my very, very, very long way of saying that these messages really do sink in. Sometimes with kids it takes years before you see the results - but what you’re teaching really does get into their heads and hearts.
Posted 06 Jul 2008 at 8:23 am ¶
Jackie wrote:
I had the same problems with my daughter. We are black with very thick, fast growing hair. I’m actually good at styling hair, but she still hated her hair because it didn’t look like her white classmates’ hair. It wasn’t until she went to undergraduate school at a HBCU that she came to appreciate her beautiful hair. A girl in the dorm, who had a beauty license, used to style it for free because she knew my daughter would be good advertising!!
I don’t have a problem with allowing your daughter to get a mild (for children) relaxer to eliminate the pain. Don’t worry, she will come to love her hair. Especially when she learns that she can do anything with it and the girls she now envy are stuck with one or two styles.
Posted 06 Jul 2008 at 3:21 pm ¶
h sofia wrote:
I definitely hear what Yvette is saying. However, for me, the challenge hasn’t been “Is my message strong enough (delivered early enough/clear enough/catchy enough/etc.) to combat all the others?” but rather, trying to maintain a sense of perspective about my racial identity, along with all of my other identities.
Posted 06 Jul 2008 at 4:34 pm ¶
Sharon wrote:
More Cowbell: I wanted to comment on your daughter’s experience with the passport photographers. The photographers’ reaction was (obviously) outrageous, so I am glad your daughter did not capitulate!
My straight hair was very long for most of my life, so it commonly fell well out of the picture frame for official photos. In fact, this is exactly the situation in my current driver’s license photo. I have *never* experienced the problem your daughter did, but I am white. Two years ago, I got my hair cut very short. I initially wondered if I would be hassled b/c my hair now looks nothing like my driver’s license, but I have never had any trouble at all. It never occurred to me until now that my lack of trouble in this area could be an example of white privilege.
Posted 07 Jul 2008 at 6:46 am ¶
ez wrote:
My brother and I are both half-Black and half-white. Several years ago, we got passports for going to London. I kept my hair very short. He hadn’t cut his since… well… a couple years before we got the passport photos. There wasn’t that I recall any complaints about his afro being too big. It was cut off in the picture.
Actually on the trip, he got cornrows as it is more presentable. While checking our passports in Paris, the agent start laughing like he had seen the funniest thing in his life. He waved over others to come see who also started laughing. His passport picture was the best thing they had seen all year, I guess.
In the US and UK, I was the one who got “random” searches in all the airports we visited, even when past security and changing flights. I’m the one who has to contemplate how to look more Black so I can have an easier time traveling.
Posted 07 Jul 2008 at 9:34 am ¶
Yvette wrote:
Lyonside, I apologize to you because my comments gave the appearance that I was denigrating your own. That is definitely not what I meant to do. I meant to use the first several comments to this post to comment on a much wider and frequent phenomenon I observe when this topic is brought up–Not just on this site or on this thread, but much more generally.
As I said, I, too, have a “scientific background.” I agree that in academia as a researcher/scholar, folks like us are trained to look at multiple perspectives. I am skeptical of any “received view” of things and find great joy in trying out various ideas to see where they lead.
*With these particular conversations*–about “Black hair,” darker skin tones, etc–I often hear these other explanations given: it is developmental, all people have these issues, they’ll grow out of it, they’ll come to appreciate it eventually, etc. And this is in reaction to the parent saying something like: I am concerned that this could be internalized racism.
My question is: Why does the conversation so often turn to these other possibilities instead of exploring the race-related ones? Even on a site dedicated to anti-racist parenting? I maintain that for many people (myself included) it is easier/less troubling to brainstorm about developmental and universal themes rather than to explore racism to wherever that may lead–especially when we are talking about our children. I am not saying that is what any specific person here is doing. But I do suspect that this is what this pattern that I have observed in these conversations is about.
And I repeat: *Even if it is “just” developmental* (or whatever other “non-racial cause), the fact that the society will continue to devalue the POC’s looks, hair etc and value a very different beauty standard means that today’s developmental issue could very well be tomorrows internalized racism issue. So a White 4 year old with curly hair issues and a 4 year old of color with hair issues could be in very different places as 21 year olds.
I also must add that I do not find fault with folks in an on-line community (or any other community) trying to make one of its members feel better or put at ease. I do not see it as “placation” and something to be ashamed of or annoyed at. That is a wonderful aspect of communities like this–that folks who may have never met face to face can feel enough empathy in others’ parenting challenges to want to offer words of advice, information, or encouragement. There is too much adversarial crap going on in the world at large and especially on-line that I would never want that to go away.
h sofia: There are so *many* challenges for the anti-racist parent, yes? LOL I face that one as well. As well as the challenge of not over-thinking or making too big a deal out of things. Or trusting my kids’ own growing abilities to think for themselves. And on and on.
Posted 07 Jul 2008 at 12:17 pm ¶
Rebeccat wrote:
I have to offer a little piece of advise on talking with your daughter about her hair. I’m only saying this because I am a mom of 4 kids, the oldest of 9 kids and all of us have a tendency to be a bit high strung and obsessive about things. When you have a kid who has developed really strong feelings about something like hair, body type stuff or even things like friends, school, etc that are really out of their control and that they are probably mis-perceiving, it’s generally best not to regularly ask them to get more specific about the issue. Unless you have a reason to think that there may be something deeper going on, the more the child expounds on their hatred of whatever, the more convinced they become that they are correct in their perceptions and that their extreme reaction to them is justified. This only feeds the negative attitude and becomes a self-defeating cycle.
When one of my kids gets stuck on something (for a while it was hair for my 2nd - he’s mixed race and has crazy tight curls), I will usually respond to their insistence that they hate something about themselves by saying something like, “I know your hair isn’t the way you like it. I’m sorry that you aren’t happy with it. I really like it myself, but I can see how it can be a pain to deal with. It really is cool hair, though. Maybe one day it won’t seem so bad to you either.”
That way I’m affirming the reality of their feelings without feeding into either the drama or the negative self perception. I let them know they have been heard, offer up a differing perception and basically refuse to engage in the drama. Because as strongly as a kid may feel about something like hair, once outbursts over it become a regular thing, the drama factor has almost certainly kicked in as well.
I’ve also found that learning to laugh at one’s self is probably one of the most important things someone who tends to be high strung/obsessive can do for their long term mental health. It’s an important step to learning to keep things in perspective when you have a tendency to see everything as really, really important. So we do joke with our kids a lot. When my oldest son refused to brush his hair because it had gotten knotted up, we’d tell him it was necessary because there was a family of shrews lost in there somewhere and we had been commissioned to dig them out. Of course, you have to be careful that you’re not making a joke that will actually hurt feelings rather than spur a bit of laughter. My 2nd son was a bit more sensitive, so we’d just come up with funny (but forbidden to actually say out loud) things he could say to people who wanted to touch his hair or comment on it - “my mom styles my hair by hooking me up to the electric socket” or “My hair is curly? I never knew!” or our family favorite, “would you let me know if you find my pet cricket - I think he’s hunting in there somewhere.” Sometimes getting them to laugh a bit is the first step in helping a kid put something like hair into perspective.
My 3 year old’s hair is so curly that it’s taken forever to get to a reasonable length and it really looked awful for all of age 2. We’ll see how it is when she gets to 4, as that seems to be the age that a lot of commentators have said their hair drama started as well. For now, even on her worst hair day, my daughter is convinced that she is completely beautiful from her crazy curly hair to her flintstone feet. Of course, we’ve never told her anything other than that she and her “crazy hair” as we call it is beautiful.
We are also fortunate that I stay home and we homeschool our kids, so we have a lot more control over what input our kids receive as well. By the time they run into someone who thinks their hair is weird, they’ve heard so much positive from us and had us comment positively on people with all different looks so often that my kids think the naysayers must be the freaks.
Anyhow, I think I’m about a buck 50 over my $.02.
But there ya go, fwiw!
Posted 07 Jul 2008 at 9:39 pm ¶
Grace T wrote:
(This is Joli’s aunt–Liza’s sis.)
Great job, Liza! This is a complex issue on so many levels.
I can say that it is painful for me to see Joli upset about her hair and I know that she has great parents to help her through this. You (and everyone in Joli’s life) tries to help her feel beautiful and acceptable, but she does live in a society that has a pretty specific concept of who is beautiful.
Great work–this is a brave project–opening up your life like this.
Posted 09 Jul 2008 at 9:57 pm ¶