The emotional toll of blogging

I have learned many fabulous things about the business of blogging, but a topic that is not often talked about is the emotional impact blogging can have on a person, positive and adverse.

When I started blogging, I was excited by the unlimited potential to make money writing about things I love. I was thrilled to be my own boss, and most importantly, I was ecstatic about creating a voice online. Gandhi told us to be the change we want to see in the world, and to me blogging is the perfect venue for me to be that change I so eagerly desire to see.

The change I want to see in the world is…

…more authenticity. I want to see individuals, groups, companies, and nations be more authentic and real. Those of you, who have been long time readers, have seen some of my own growth to live a more authentic life which I even made a New Year’s resolution theme in 2006.

Blogs give emotional authenticity a stage

I am naturally attracted to blogging because blogs are about authenticity and transparency. To me, the best blogs are the ones who open our eyes to truths both good and bad. They are the voices who inspire us to become better humans and live more prosperous lives. They are the voices who give us hope, laughter, and knowledge.

I believe that many problems in life can be resolved or avoided if we simply live as authentically as possible. Granted, I know those are lofty ideals and indeed much easier in theory than in practice which leads to a key reason I blog. A big theme on Back in Skinny Jeans is how can we live in this every day world filled with chaos, pain, and manipulation as well as love, abundance, and beauty, and live thriving lives as healthy, happy, peaceful humans in a real way versus a “what the media and advertising brainwashes us to believe” way.

Let's hear it for the idealists

I am an idealist, obviously, and to be honest, to continue to blog day after day, year after year a part of you must stay slightly delusional and tied to idealistic fantasy. I believe that bloggers who are in it for the long haul and want to create meaning in the world are all idealists at heart. You have to be because blogging especially professionally is tough work, and there has to be something deeper than money or fame to keep you posting and engaged day after day, year after year.

The reason blogs are fascinating is because of the expression of emotions, feelings, and human drama.  We enjoy seeing what our “neighbors” are doing, and we love to hear opinions and different points of view. Commenting also lets us have reciprocal conversations with each other, and like many, I find reading the comments some of the best meat on that post, tasty and yucky.

What's the hardest part about blogging?

When asked what the hardest part about blogging is, I say, for me, it is dealing with the emotional aftermath of personally attacking comments and the invasion of my privacy. When I first started blogging, I would get into an emotional tug-of-war when I’d work my ass off yet see my traffic flat line and see that no one is commenting. Over time, I’ve learned that you must emotionally distance yourself from the numbers because traffic is cyclical, and it is not your self worth as Darren Rowse at ProBlogger shares about himself:

"...the reality is that my worth as a human being goes beyond my RSS counter, comment numbers, number of appearances on Digg, Technorati ranking, number of links from A-listers etc. For me my personal worth comes from a much deeper place (something that is tied to my spirituality)."

Darren is so right on. This goes for the same thing in trying to achieve a jeans size or a number on a scale as a means to be fulfilled and happy in life.Your self worth is not determined by numbers.

Back to blogging, on the upside, I’ve come to see the slumps as blessings in that my audience is showing me that the content is getting old, boring, or “Hey Steph, we’re up for something new.” Or “Steph, what happened? You’re veering off the track we love.” When I view the slumps that way, and start getting creative, the traffic and comments come back and go up.

Remember you're commenting to a human not a bot

In terms of personally attacking comments, as a blog grows and gains notoriety, I think people start to forget that the blogger is a real person with feelings and not an automated web bot pouring out content. And vice versa, the blogger can start to get out of touch, arrogant, or inflammatory just to get attention. I’ve watched many blogs grow from small to millions of visitors a day, and what I have noticed is that the negative comments get progressively mean, hurtful, and personally attacking as the blog grows especially if the blogger does not manage the tone of their content. Weeding out jerks in comments can be a full time job in itself.

As an example, recently, I wrote, “Running shoes don’t go with skirts” where I shared my opinion about the running skirt which turns out many did not appreciate my point of view. This post generated lots of comments, and a good portion of it was personally attacking which honestly surprised me. It wasn’t just Steph I disagree with what you said and here’s why. It had stuff like, “I’m disappointed in you…How can you be judgmental… (And the worst) I’m ashamed of you.”

I don’t expect people to agree with or like everything I give my opinion on, but I do expect people to respectfully disagree, and I do expect them to go after my opinion not me personally. When I read those comments, I felt physical pain in my heart because of the attacking energy that radiated from the comments. It wasn't necessarily the words, but the energy behind the words. Not all were harsh, and there was constructive criticism, but there was enough personal stuff to make me feel deep hurt.

A blogger has every right to delete the unsavory

I deleted the running skirt post because I just did not want that dark energy on my blog, and I did not want to get into any more discussion about that topic. I can pick my battles. The reason, I bring this example up is to share the human side of the blogger. Before you feel the need to write something venomous or attacking on someone’s blog, remember that there is a human being you are speaking to. Say only what you would be okay hearing if the commentary was directed at you. You most certainly can be authentic in your expression but there is always a way to communicate without destroying or humiliating.

As a blogger, something you have to take into consideration is how much you can emotionally take because commenters will push you to emotional and mental limits you never imagined. However, all is not necessarily bad. Sometimes commenters can make you see sides of yourself that maybe you are not ready for or don’t want to look at. If you want to get some fast personal growth, start blogging and really put your opinions and feelings out there because you will quickly get responses and be faced with learning lessons almost immediately, like pronto!

"You're too sensitive"

Now some will say, “Steph, you’re just too sensitive. You need to grow thicker skin.” Yes, I am a sensitive type and, yes, I agree that one must grow a thicker skin, to some degree. In my work reviews back in my corporate days, the common “needs to improve” item was my sensitivity levels. For many years, I worked on being less emotional.

Then, things changed. Once again when I was told that I needed to be less emotional and sensitive I said to my boss, who by the way was the epitome of Dilbert bosses, “Has it ever occurred to you that perhaps one reason I am emotional and sensitive is because you treat me like crap and with disrespect? Has it occurred to you that perhaps sensitive is good because as you can see on your Excel spreadsheet I have brought in xyz millions of dollars in marketing deals? And what the hell is wrong with emotional. You tell us every day to be passionate about the company and the products because customers love to see passion. What do you think passion is? It’s emotion.“

The sensitive types shall prosper the earth

After that day, I became prouder of my emotional sensitive sides because those qualities enable me to be highly creative, intuitive, perceptive, and empathetic. Sensitive people have high EQs (emotional quotients) which helps make the world a beautiful harmonic place which cannot be achieved through numbers or logic alone. Great art and design is about emotions. The artist, designer, writer, creator finds ways to capture and convey emotions that speaks through their works. Problem solving is all about creativity. Quantum healing is about emotions. The ability to bond and relate with all kinds of people is about sensitivity.

Exceptional bloggers are also highly creative and sensitive people, and those qualities help make them extraordinary. I know that one of the reasons Back in Skinny Jeans stands out is because I include my personal life experiences, the “messy middle,” along with the how-tos, opinions and reviews. There is a part of my heart and soul that goes into every post even on the bad days or the days where it looks like I don’t have much to say. I do this because that is authentic Steph, the change I want to see in the world. Yes, I take things to heart because I put my heart, the source of my creativity, in it. You can't get the best of my content without a piece of my heart. That's how I'm wired, and I embrace that.

Deciding if the emotional toll is worth it

Is this easy? Hell no. Is it rewarding? Absolutely. Is it worth it? So far when it comes to Back in Skinny Jeans it has been, but as I look into the future I can see the possibility where it may no longer be worth it because as much as I love helping others, I will have to decide if the emotional toll on my personal life is worth dealing with personally attacking comments and invasion of privacy. I have a deeper understanding of why blogs and sites get more vanilla as they grow, the critics and attacks get louder and bigger, and it gets emotionally, mentally, and even legally tougher to deal with.

Can BISJ still be as interesting or thought provoking without Stephanie’s personal life in it? Can I take that trait back? On one hand this is what makes my blog exceptional, and on the other hand, it is the thing that can send me straight to my therapist’s office. Yes, I can turn off comments, but then I turn off a valuable stream of insight from my readers. Also, it doesn’t stop people from emailing me to share their thoughts first hand.

Now with Noshtopia, my food blog, it is much easier to have some emotional peace because I don’t have to talk about my personal life. I can talk about my personal experiences and feelings about food, and no one is going to attack me about my opinion on arugula over spinach, or tell me I’m “stupid” because I like rice milk. Okay, some might, but you get my point. For Noshtopia to be interesting, I don’t have to reveal my challenges with highly personal and emotional type issues like eating disorders, perfectionism, motherhood, illness, depression, and body image. 

How do the big girls handle the emotional pressure?

At BlogHer 08, Dooce spoke about a bit about the emotional impact of negative comments she gets on a regular basis like how she’s a bad mother, and how people will call child services and have her daughter taken away. This woman gets over 4 million page views a month, so you can imagine the level of emotionally challenging things she experiences.

I think about Oprah, and if you notice her weight goes up whenever she is embroiled in something where the world is attacking her like recently, the scandal with her school in Africa and the New Earth web class where she presented another way to view spirituality. Even though Oprah makes massive amounts of money, can you imagine the emotional challenges she has to face on a worldwide media scale?

I think about any of my blogs growing to the scale of Dooce or higher, and indeed I wonder if I can emotionally handle it. As a single person, if I'm straight up honest with myself given the information I have today, I have doubts. If you notice, people who make an impact on the world most often have a significant other by their side because sometimes to keep you going, you just need someone to cuddle with you in bed after a hard tasking day and say, “It’s going to be alright sweetheart. I love you and I’m proud of you.”

So, how about you? What experiences have you had to face dealing with the emotional side of blogging?

 

Comments

[Jen]

Coming from a teeny tiny blogger... I've had both good and bad. For a while, a woman in the UK was emailing me every day to tell me that I a bad influence on women because I was writing about my disordered eating struggles. It was really hurtful, and it made me doubt myself. I eventually blocked her email. When I looked at the bigger picture though, the other comments and emails I received made me realize that 99% of my audience appreciated my honesty and wanted to hear about my journey. Overall, I've had much more good than bad though...

[charlotte]

Blogging at Huffington Post has really showed me the value of what you are talking about here. On my personal blog, my readers - with the rare exception - are really the nicest people on the planet. Reading their comments lifts me up and always makes me smile. But... over at HuffPo the commenters are vicious. And they love to make personal attacks. The first few times I actually cried about it. But now I've gotten pretty good at separating it. A lot of times I just don't read my comments over there. Not worth the pain. And I try and remember that that is my *job* there - to inspire discussion - and I get that done:)

That said, I try to always be very careful when I post comments on other people's work.

[Melissa]

I'm still relatively new to blogging and my blog is super-specific (and not that well-known yet) so I haven't seen any negative comments or anything yet, but I imagine it will be hurtful the first time I hear something negative. Right now, it seems to be a morale-booster for me; other bloggers have been really encouraging and complimentary. But as time goes on, I could see how things could easily change, especially if I keep being so honest. You're so right--transparancy is what makes blogging so amazing, but it can also be its downfall. Time will tell!

All I know is, I love reading your posts and I never post negative thing on other bloggers' comments, like Charlotte said, we're here to inspire dialogue; not trash one another. A healthy debate is one thing but calling each other names...totally uncalled for and I am sorry that happened to you!!

[Shelly]

The type of comments that used to bother me usually came after a "venting" post in which I was generally trying to sort things out in my head by writing about them. Almost without fail, someone would offer advice, or claim that if only I would ______, all of my problems would be solved. I tended to interpret these types of comments as sort of 'talking down' to me, but, I've grown out of that--some people just can't help themselves with the advice! I think that their hearts are in the right place when they give it, and that is something that I try to remember when I read their comments.

[Runner Girl]

Wow that was a really good post and definitely really helpful for a newbie like me. Thanks for sharing all of your experiences :)

[The Muse]

Even if you and I don't always agree on things (i.e., running skirts), I still respect your opinion and love coming back every day to see your latest post!

*HUG*!

[Sagan]

Your frank openness will never cease to amaze me.

There's a lot of emotions tied in with blogging, and it becomes as big or bigger as what it is that you started blogging about in the first place. And I don't think that you really recognize this until you start blogging yourself. Its surprising how big of an impact it can have on someone as a person.

[Diana the Scale Junkie]

I think that people can only take from you what you give them. I get my share of "hate mail" or mail from unhappy people. If I'm in the wrong I say so. If I'm unsure if I'm in the wrong, I ask a few close friends to look at the situation. Sometimes its you, sometimes its just them.

Of course I'm not a professional blogger but the day that blogging feels like work or stops being fun. I'll have to decide if its worth doing anymore.

Maybe you just need a break from BISJ if its making you stress and just focus on the aspects of blogging you still enjoy like your food blog. Maybe you need another project to make you reconnect or even volunteer work that you find fulfilling.

[sheila]

I love your writing. This post poke to me like no other in recent memory. I feel very similar in that I have that emotional sensitivity thing going on. What a great perspective you have! Keep your head up when you receive comments from "haters"... you can only feel sorry for them, cause clearly they are miserable people.

[mamaV]

Hi Stephanie: I was thinking about you the weekend of BlogHer, I said my share of prayers. Such an opportunity, brings with it these types of questions and pondering which can drive one nutty.

Ahhh, where to start. I just blogged about this topic on sparkeffect.com called 'To Blog or Not To Blog,' look under posts by HB if anyone cares to check it out.

For me, the comment thing slides completely off me, but freaks my husband and family out to the point that their fear has caused me to pause many many times and nearly quit the whole damn thing. But at the end of the day I say - You have got to stand for something, and this is my thing. Who the heck knows why? Blogging is like this weird impluse you know?

Removing comments breaks the "be real" rule for me and the free speech rule so I don't do it (exception= total pervs). However, this is not for everyone, and I say you have to go with what feels right. It's your blog-- yours. Remember that.

I call blogging a major personal journey, you have absolutely no idea how deep it runs unless you do it yourself. Hey - we should make shirts "It's a blog thing, you wouldn't understand!" Ha! How lame would that be!

This current contemplation you find yourself is good. It is leading you to the next phase of your journey. Don't be afraid of it, and don't push it away. Let yourself feel it in full so you can sense where you are to land next.

YOU are a GEM. Always have been. Your enthusiasm and passion is purely contagious. And that, my dear friend, is one talent you were born with for a reason.

Love you.
HB

[WeightingGame]

from one high EQ-er to another, great post! I especially love how you've tied seeking oit high numbers of comments with fitting in a certain size jeans - brilliant!

I'm with Charlotte about ignoring comments at HuffPo. Better to pay attention to your private blog and the readers who support you. But, like you said, even in the safety of BISJ, people can attack. You just have to remember that no everyone CAN remember there's a human behind the blog. They hide behind a screen and say crappy stuff. Just go on and brush your shoulders off, firl. You're doing great!

[Meg]

Hmm, well I haven't been blogging for very long, but I'd have to say the worst part is the feeling that sometimes I'm talking to myself. I haven't had a lot of negative commenting, so far it's all been very positive, I've been lucky.

I guess if the worst side is that I'm just doing it for myself, then I'm getting off easy, since I *am* doing it mostly for myself!

I would totally buy one of those shirts btw.
-Meg

[workout mommy]

I love your writing and the fact that you are so honest with us! So please don't change you or your blog!

I've also gotten a few hater comments as well and always wonder why do people bother? Didn't their mothers teach them that if they don't have anything nice to say then not to say anything at all? :)

[Merry]

I think some of the negative people are trying to stir things up because they /like/ a fight or they like the authority trip of Telling It Like It Is. The idea that there might be more than one way to look at an issue hasn't occurred to them yet.
Good for you for deciding how much negative energy you will tolerate around you!

[Merry]

I think some of the negative people are trying to stir things up because they /like/ a fight or they like the authority trip of Telling It Like It Is. The idea that there might be more than one way to look at an issue hasn't occurred to them yet.
Good for you for deciding how much negative energy you will tolerate around you!

[Stephanie Quilao]

I do I admire those who can take a lot of heat and flames from haters and critics. It does take a talent to be able to do that. As I get older I am embracing my sensitive, emotional side more and more because it is what makes me the creative talent I love to be. Those who are the same as me, fly your emo flag...lol

Thank you again everyone for your support and kind words ;-)

[Roni]

From one idealist to another.... THANK YOU for this post.

I recently had a bit of drama on my blog after a I brought attention to a nasty comment I received. I was shocked at how people attacked the commenter but as you said, we forget that there are actual people out there on the interweb. My wrap up...

*******

I’m not going to rehash my thoughts on the subject, my feelings are all there in the responses. I do want to mention one thing. I think it’s easy for us not to realize there are real, actual people behind these blogs. I also think it’s easier to write a response that is emotionally charged then it is to confront someone in person. A lot of things were said and as I appreciate the support I was a little taken back by some of the aggressive name calling and finger pointing. Those are the kinds of comments that start these flame wars in the first place. And Even though I do chose to respond to negative comments, mostly to learn and start a dialogue but sometimes for personal satisfaction, I attempt to do it in a smart, sensitive way where I can get my point across without personally attacking the person. At least I try to, sometimes I do come across as a bit ’snarky’. ;~P

*******

The only thing I would disagree with is deleting the post. I think I would have left it there and just shut off the comments. That's just how I roll though. ;~P

Thanks again! Awesome post!

[Crabby McSlacker]

Great post and what an interesting discussion!

I've been lucky, I guess, not to get personal attacks. But that's partly because I'm too small to get a lot of random people dropping in.

I do find it funny when some bloggers (NOT you) will go on a huge rant in their posts, attacking specific kinds of people or specific behaviors, then get all offended when someone comments that they've taken offense and return the blogger's hostility with hostility of their own.

The interesting thing about blogging is that it's a two way street.

However, I think there's no excuse for personal attacks by either bloggers or commenters. I have given up on blogs where the overall tone was too mean, even if they were funny or informative.

[clive]

Stunned. Waa certain Steph was an Apple MacBook fan gal. But now I see a Dell Windoz notebook. What a shocker.

[Amber]

First of all, I can only say that I hope my comment on the running skirts posts wasn't one of the ones that hurt you - I did disagree with your opinion on that one, but I totally understand what it's like to feel attacked by blog commentors, so while I always try to word my comments carefully, if I got it wrong on that one, I'm truly sorry.

As for the rest of this post, I really know where you're coming from. I, too, blog professionally, and am very sensitive (many would say over-sensitive) and I struggle to deal with the harsh comments that seem to be inevitable when a blog becomes successful. There have been days lately when I've considered closing comments completely on one of my blogs because of this issue, but then there are other days when people are so lovely it all becomes worth it again.

I think for me it's not just about developing a thicker skin (I'm slowly trying to grow one, but I'm not quite there yet!), but about trying to allow myself to believe the positive comments, and understand that the negative ones are often from the kind of people who just delight in being nasty. It's not actually personally, but yes, it really does feel that way sometimes!

[ctina]

I hope my comments weren't on the list of scathing ones from the running skirts post! In any case, I've always admired your commentors for being very respectful even in dissent.

Apologies if any of my comments hurt your feelings. However, just as you were shocked that comments turned fierce on that one, I was shocked at the subject matter. I felt that post was much different than your others, which have a very positive and supportive feel.

Perhaps I was among the ones being too sensitive as well (and I don't even wear the skirts) but that post seemed more judgemental than I would ever expect of Skinny Jeans. Also, I completely disagreed with the hint of beauty = weakness. I don't think one has to be butch to be strong, and I wanted to make that point (as you've proved in many other posts).

I guess I hold you to a higher standard than most other blogs (it was as much a shock to read as hearing Oprah speak cattiness, if that makes sense).

Anyway, I was glad & impressed you deleted the post (for whatever reason). It is true that the blogs are as human as the people behind them - it's too easy to forget that. And, I am still a faithful reader (obviously!). Take care!

[Ellie]

Wow! I've just stumbled upon this blog just as I was wondering about my own, which is gathering dust at the moment due to my busy academic life. You're words breathe true wisdom, and I understand what you mean about sensitivity. I was told the exact same thing, that I was being overemotional and in some cases, even irrational. It was heartbreaking to hear and hurt me, but I'm glad to see now that it's not just me who feels that way. I'd love to know how you started to blog professionally, it sounds like the best job in the world!

Ellie =] xx

[Andrea]

Hey! That's my computer in that pee-chur!

:-)

Nice choice of portable blogging hardware. Long live blogging and ubiquitous wifi.