Warning: This post gives a glimpse into the void inside of me. Read at your own risk.
Down is how I feel right now. The love of my life has been sick for more than a year now… yet the doctors still don’t have a clear diagnosis of what’s ailing him. Just a pulse rate that is too fast and a bp that is too low.
Things would be much better if we weren’t continents apart. At least I would be there for him. At least we would be together — physically — instead of being together only through the internet.
Sure, we’re getting by. We spend at least 10 hours a day burning our internet connection, so in some ways we are together, except that we cannot hold each other’s hand. But this week, even the pleasure of being with him daily has been taken away from me.
He is at the hospital right now, and he will stay there for a week. It’s just his third day away and already I am feeling so helpless and down…
down…
down…
I feel like crying, but I don’t want to. He said he needs me to be very strong, and strong I will be. For him. For me.
But he didn’t say I cannot write him a poem. So I try, but I can’t. He is my poetry. My pen refuses to budge because he’s not with me.
So I’m down, but I don’t want depression to get me. I’m gonna do something, even if it means I have to cheat. I’m gonna post something I’ve written before… when we were in the same situation… After all, it is as much my poem now as it was then.
A Love Letter for cP
I sing hymns of hope
At the top of my lungs
And beg the wings
Of the wind to carry
My songs and lay them
Neatly upon your heart;
I ask the eagles to fly
Across the horizons
To bring you my love:
Gentle as the breeze,
Lovely as a dove.
I bare the contents
Of my heart to the
Sympathetic moon and pray
That when she smiles at you
Tonight, you’d know
That as you swim the oceans
To capture my smile;
As you move the mountains
To reach for my hand;
I am trudging winding paths
Towards you, my love!
//Sherma Benosa
06 November 2007; 11:57pm
My most recent pic. Click here for 
Drawn by my blogger-friend, Michelle. Read my post 
My Buddy's Version
hi, shermalou. truth is, i really don’t know what to say. i know what you and tatang are going through and i, too, is anxious to know what really is wrong. please know that he’s always in my prayers.
hang in there, girl. k?
Hey Salve! Thank you friend. And thanks for being my sounding board.
I am holding tight. No way I’m gonna let anything to crush me. He’s that precious.
It’s kinda sad that we’re apart. But at least we are together. Apart yet together.
Far better than together yet apart.
Yeah, yeah… I’m psyching myself up.
im sorry.
i love you girl!
I feel for you, brainteaser. The most painful thing that could ever happen to somebody is be away from the person she loves. Be positive and pray the doctors will receive God’s grace and do their best to make him feel better. Be strong.
Hi Tam! I love you too!
Hello Sonnet. Yes, that’s how we’ve been getting by. Being strong. Being positive. And prayers. I just so miss him.
just checking on you today.
Thanks, Salve girl! Just been to your blog! Hahaha.
I’m feeling better… Nailabas ko na ang masamang hangin kahapon. So, I’m much stronger now. Missing him still, of course. But I’m back to my positive-thinking self.
Thankie, thankie. Love yah!
OK - So before i read this your spirit was saying ‘hello, friend’ to me…
Now mine is saying in you i recognise a true shared Connection.
Since Oct 2000 i have been able to realte totally with your ‘experience with cP.
the reason for our separation was we grew up on different continents - half a world apart - and each had families and ties we were not ready to ’sever’ as one of us would have had to to fulfil our love as a REAL life experience and not merely one formed and continued ( and eventually ruined) through a computer and our ‘previous’ commitments/lives.
She too had developed some serious health issues but it was the ‘mental’ ones caused by our inability to meet that widened the ‘gap’ ever wider between us.
I pray for you Sherma and for your cP also.
that your Hearts grow stronger - strong enough to ‘last’ and to overcome the distance that temprarily exists between you.
And as for your ‘Hearse’…
would you spend a moment or two considering the Hearse comes more from what ‘lies’ (and/or lays) INSIDE of each one of ‘us’ and not because of the ‘lies’ we sometimes feel come ‘from’ another soul/being??
Praying, as i still know VERY well… the anguish and pain of such ’separation’ as you are enduring.
Love HOPETH all things; beareth all things; endureth all things.
His love does.. as His Children we would do well to follow such an example in our own lives and loves - by making HIM at our very centre of our being… and loving.
and not our ’self’ as we start out life by doing - and sometimes ‘lie’ to ourselves that we put ‘another’ being in that place to hide our real self-ishness that shames us so.
love,
<B.
I know, it’s so hard to be so far from the one you love. I’m sure he’s thinking a lot of you, too:)
i’m sorry to hear he’s sick
hope he recovers fast
long distance love affairs are hard
i am in one right now
iba yun kausap mo lang sa telepono at yun kausap mo sya ng harapan, e
Hey ate, hope everything’s fine. In cases like this, we need to pray more and keep hoping. hope you get better but may your beloved get better sooner!
Hello Friendster! How have you been? Yes, I can see that, too! Amazing, isn’t it?
But… you know what… your story hit me hard. While I am glad of the connection and of the fact that you shared with me a bit of yourself, I feel sad that it didn’t work out for you (if I understood you correctly?). You have a good heart, and I think of you as a very dear friend. I wish you happiness. I know you are happy and content and secure in God’s love, but if you should fall for someone again… I pray it will work. Or even better, I pray that His plan for you will be done.
And… thank you so much for the prayer, my friend. cP and I definitely need that.
Do let me reciprocate the honor you did to me by also sharing a bit of our story: CP had been based in Europe for about 20 years now, but we are both from the Philippines; in fact, we’re both Ilokanos (one of the major linguistic groups in the country). He had been coming home every year, and it was during one of his visits home that we met. The good thing is that he is now ready to come home for good, so we don’t have a problem about who should move. The sad part is that just when he is ready to come back home, he develops an illness for which the doctors don’t have a name. An illness that prevents him from coming home without his doctors’ OK because it could cause his death.
It’s sad, by I’m holding on. We will get through this. I believe things will turn out fine… I can feel it in my heart. I can see a bright ray at the end of the tunnel he and I are in right now. My heart tells me so.
As for the ‘Hearse’
I’m so glad you pointed this out, Friendster. I always try to look both externally and internally. I do believe that most of our anguish comes from the INSIDE. Our faulty perceptions, our hearts that need washing, our flesh that is so weak — these things cause our hearse in the spiritual level.
I look up to people who could look at their problem and point to themselves as the cause, instead of looking around and trying to point at other people as the reason for their wretched existence, forgetting that what happened is more likely their own doing than other people’s.
I do adhere to the thought that we could correct lots of our mistake by looking into ourselves and changing our point of view than by looking out and finding what’s wrong in others.
That said, it would now seem that what I just said and what the poem below seems to be saying are contradictory. I would like to explain that it isn’t so, but to do that I would have to explain what the poem (my meaning) is about, but that would destroy the essence of the poem. Since poems could be interpreted in so many ways, I do not wish to dwell on what I actually was referring to in the poem. As they say, the moment a poem gets published, the author’s meaning is already lost. The readers’ interpretation becomes the poem’s meaning. So, suffice it to say that the poem was actually inspired by a REAL hearse. It passed me by while I was eating lunch, and a line hit my head: The hearse that carried me to my pit.
Thanks for this one, Friendster. It’s spot on. It is only through His example that we will be able to bear and endure things. Our predicaments are nothing when compared to what He endured and bore for us. I need to keep remembering this. Thank you for reminding me… it lifted my spirit considerably.
Your last sentence is not what my flesh wanted to hear, but what my spirit NEEDED to see. I can’t thank you enough for pointing it out to me.
SONNET Yes, I know he’s thinking a lot about me. Know what? He’s home, for today. His doctors allowed him to rest for a day.
RAFT3r Thank you! And so true. LD is difficult. Both parties need to be truly committed for it to work. I pray it will work for you and your love. And me and my love.
MIGHTY My dear ading. In the end, all that we have is PRAYER. But such a powerful thing it is. I’m down on my knees. Lagi…
Hey Buddy, need some filling up into that “void inside of you”?
Here it is: YY10ka.
Hey Buddy! yy10ka2. Hehehehe! Agtutulad!
Come home is the answer!
That’s good news:) See, the universe is doing everything so the both of you will be alright:)
I’ll be home soon ma chérie.
Let me thank all your good friends here for their prayers… merci beaucoup everybody.
Sherma, I feel negligent for not having clicked over earlier. I’ve been weathering a storm of my own, but that’s no excuse not to reach out to others.
I am praying for you both. I understand mysterious, long-term illness and separation. I will pray.
I ♥ your ♥
Hi Michelle. How are you?
Thank you so much for the prayer. I appreciate that.
Love you too.
PS: I hope you are well… Do take care!