Try this exercise before going to sleep.  This is a relaxation exercise designed to put you right to sleep so be in bed when you do it.

First close your eyes and then take 3 deep breaths.  Then breathe in tense all the the muscles in your face, hold, relax and breath out.  Next tense all the muscles in your neck, hold, relax and breath out.  Work down your body until you reach your toes if you haven’t fallen asleep before then.  When you get to your toes, imagine all of the tensions and frustrations of the day flowing out as you breathe out.  Continue to imagine the tensions and frustrations flowing out as you breathe out until you fall asleep.

Emotional affairs can be very damaging.  Affairs are unfair.  The spouse that is having the affair talks to the other person about all the problems in the marriage.  That person affirms that the affair spouse is all right and the spouse is all wrong.  What you feel as the spouse being cheated on is all the pain and all the blame while your spouse is much too comfortable.  You feel like no matter what you do it isn’t enough and that you cannot please your spouse.

This is the best way to explain the damage that emotional affairs do in a marriage.  Imagine a seesaw that is level.  Now image one person climbing on one end and two on the other.  The person on one end gets left dangling helplessly on the top while the two on the other end have total control.

In order for your marriage to work out your spouse will need to end the affair.  If your spouse does not then your marriage is doomed and you will be left crushed on the ground while the other two waltz off the seesaw.

One of the things that is difficult for the people being dumped to understand is why the dumpers don’t seem to be feeling as much pain as they are in.  This is because the dumpers do all or at least most of their grieving before they leave.  They feel their pain and grief while in the marriage and for the most part they hide it.  Once this is understood then the dumpees are able to grieve and move on.

Unless the dumpers have explained why they are dumping or there is a lot of arguing going on and understanding why the dumpers are leaving is implicit, it can be hard for the dumpees to understand why they are being left.  Some dumpers like to be nice and preserve the feelings of the dumpees however this just leaves the dumpees with more questions and those are generally questions that turn into attacks on their self esteem.  Not knowing is worse then knowing.  The grieving process often helps the dumpees get through this particularly through the bargaining phase while questions are being raised about what exactly did happen.

The third most frequent question that I get in regards to breaking up of relationships is when the dumpers haven’t yet decided whether they are going to leave or not.  The dumpees don’t know whether to chase after them or leave them alone.  Either way seems to drive the other person away.  This is my answer to that:

Pretend you are a rock and the other person is also a rock. This rock moves, and rolls at whim while you stay in the same place. Sometimes this rock comes close to you, sometimes it rolls in the other direction. Sometimes it stays away for days at a time before it comes back. Sometimes it just rolls around just outside your reach but always within sight. Your job as long as you are committed to this person is to stay in one place. Let the other person go and roll around as needed or desired but be there when the person comes back.

Although I wrote this in answer to a comment, I decided for several reasons to post it seperately.  Forgive me for the double post.

For parents who are estranged or alienated from their children, make a memory box. Put in cards, letters gifts anything that you would give to your child if it could be accepted. I had a client whose daughter was on drugs, was angry with her and had moved in with a wild boyfriend a state away. At Easter she would have nothing to do with her mother. Her mother went ahead and bought her an Easter basket and put it aside for her along with a letter. A couple of months later her daughter came back and they had a tearful reunion. It was so wonderful for both of them and for her daughter to know that her mother loved her enough to get the easter basket even when she was rejecting her mother. You can also put the gifts in a memory box along with a letter expressing your thoughts at the time and save them. I had another client whose daughter is much younger. It was a custody case in which the father took custody and tried to alienate her daughter from her. She still calls her daughter every week even though her daughter has to be careful of what she says around her parents. Her parents do not allow gifts from her mother. The client keeps a treasure box for her filled with clothes and gifts even though she has out grown them. She wants to show her daughter that she has thought of her through the years and has tried to get stuff to her through the years.

I call this technique the broken record technique.  When records were broken they would repeat the same word over and over and over and over and over and over and over.  This technique is beautiful because it gets the point that you want to make across and in a nice way.  You do not need to get mad in order to get the point across.

This is how it works.  Someone asks you to do something that is offensive for you.  You say no but the person persists to the point where you have a difficult time continuing to say no.  The person begins to whine and to say things like you are the only one that can help.  This is how you get out of this one.  With raising your voice, without getting mad, you continue to say no.  I had a client that had a problem with chasing visitors out of his house.  They would show up late at night and want to hang out with him.  This technique helped him to feel good about telling them that he wanted to go to bed.  He kept repeating that it was bedtime for him and he wanted to go to bed right now.  He did not need to say no you can’t come in or no I don’t want you here or get mad and swear at them.  He merely repeated that he wanted to go to bed.  He was excited about how well this worked for him without him needing to get mad and chase the person away.

Understanding correlations for sexual victim traumatization

Correlating factors

1. (87%)Sexual Responsiveness - Whether the victim experienced sexual pleasure from the molestation or whether the victim asked for gifts in exchange for sex.

2.  (92%)Terror - This is not physical violence rather it is the anticipation of knowing when it will happen.  The victim may be traumatized by initiating the molestation to get it over with or the perpetrator may beg and beg until the victim gives in.  The victim may then feel like she chose to be victimized.  The perpetrator may schedule times for perpetration because it enhances his pleasure when he knows that the victim will be dreading the experience.

3.  (82%)Distorted Offender I.D. - When the offender is not seen as a criminal.  These are the nice offenders such as Boy Scout leaders or when the offender is a family member.

4.  (.86)Distorted Victim I.D. - When the victim is not seen as innocent by others.  When the victim sees herself as initiating it or being provocative.  When the victim initially has a low self image and blames herself.

5.  (92%)Under Age 12 - Onset of abuse began before age 12.

6.  (96%)Footprints - Negative coping skills are developed such as not remembering that the abuse occurred.  When the abuse is not remembered then there are no cognitions with the emotional or physical triggers.  When the memory of the abuse is viewed as negative or the victim internalizes a negative self-image as a result of the abuse this is traumatizing.  If there are no social supports or the family is dysfunctional the victim may not have emotional support available to help cope.

7.  (79%)Withheld report - The victim did not tell anyone of the abuse.

8.  (100%)Disastrous Response - The victim tells someone however the response to telling is negative such as the victim is blamed.

9.  (85%)Trauma Bond - When the victim forms a bond with the perpetrator.  This happens when the perpetrator is a significant person such as father or brother.  When the perpetrator is the father, he may move away from the spouse and parentalize the victim.

Credit to this research goes to Toni Cavanaugh Johnson

There are two tasks that need to be done before a person decides to leave.  First the person deciding to leave needs to grieve the loss of what that person wanted out of the relationship.  The ideal, the dream, or what once was and now is no more.  That person needs to go through the grieving process including the five stages of grief which usually takes about a year. 

The five stages will be listed here because if you are thinking of leaving, it will give you an idea of how far you are in grieving. 

1.  Denial - I can’t believe this is as bad as it is.  He or she will get better.  There is still hope for this relationship.

2.  Anger - It is all my partner’s fault.  That person is the one that is in the wrong.  Why me?

3.  Bargaining - If only this would have happened or that would be different or if we could get help or if that would have worked.  This is the working through understanding what went wrong in the relationship.  Was it about me or the other person?  Is there any way of salvaging it?

4.  Guilt - It is all my fault.  I am the one that allowed this to happen.  I am the one that made all of the mistakes.  I am the one that is wrong.

5.  Acceptance - This is when you can say to yourself it is over and it no longer hurts to say it.  This is when it becomes a relief to leave your partner because you know without a doubt that it is over.

Each of these stages have a purpose in understanding why the relationship failed.  Each needs to be gone through.

The second task is to feel that you have done everything you could to salvage the relationship.  While most of this is done in the bargaining phase, in the end it needs to be part of the acceptance that you have tried everything and nothing has worked.  It does not matter what these things are, they are unique to the individual and the relationship.  It just matters that you have tried several things and none have worked.

Also consider the miserable factor. What percentage of the time are you miserable? The higher the percentage the more likely you will want to get out of the relationship.

A client gave this to me so I do not know who to credit for it.  If you know let me know because I would love to give credit to the right person.

You two have a “connection,” a rapport that he didn’t have with his ex. You have more things in common, similar personalities. He’s pointed out all the ways that you two are so alike - it’s just uncanny. You are so lucky to have met him at this point in your life. He says that he really appreciates you for who you are - and he’s the first person to really do that, isn’t he? Sure, he said the same things to *her* when he got together with her (and then grew to hate so many things about her), but it’s different with you. He couldn’t possibly be operating from scripts anymore. And it’s so nice to finally have someone YOU can lean on, isn’t it? It’s hard being on your own, building a career, managing a household, and doing it all yourself. All of a sudden, here’s this guy offering to help in ways that no one ever did. Knowing all the things you have been longing for and wanting in a partner. He couldn’t possibly be hooking into your heart-felt desires and hurt places and pretending to be the answer, because he knows that’s where you are vulnerable. He couldn’t be pretending to like the things you like, and want the things you want, and be the person you have been looking for, because it’s part of his patterns. Just because he did that with the women that came before you, doesn’t mean he’s doing that with you. He’s really sincere this time.

He’s told you all his deep dark secrets (at least, all the ones he thinks can win him sympathy and attention). He’s acknowledged how he behaved badly in the past (even though it was brought out by who he was with). You two must have a very special connection for him to be so open and “honest”. And he seems to be remorseful, so that must mean he won’t do that kind of thing again, right? Not with you. You’re special. So what if he told his ex the same kinds of deep, dark secrets, opened up in the same way? So what if he exhibited the same kind of remorse for things he did to partners before HER? So what if he told her all the same sob stories and pretended to be working on his shit with her? So what if he lied to his therapist and others? He really means it this time, with you.

He says things are going to be different with YOU. Even though he SAYS he accepts responsibility for his actions, he also says that it was really things in HER that brought out his bad behavior. He’s not going to be like that with YOU. Sure, he said the same things to HER, but this time he’ll be different, because he’s told you how YOU are different from her. (So what if he’s told other people how you remind him of HER? That doesn’t mean he’s following the same old patterns, targetting the same types of women. That doesn’t mean that he’ll be turn abusive with YOU at some point…) He’s such a sweet, wonderful, helpful guy, it MUST have been something in HER that caused him to act badly, right?

So what if he was busy cutting her down behind her back with their mutual friends while he was telling her she was the “best thing that ever happened to him”, and that he had “never loved anyone as much as he loved her”? That doesn’t mean he still has the capacity to be manipulative and dishonest and cruel. He was just confused, the poor man. And besides, he won’t be like that anymore, with the right woman to love him and dote on him. She just didn’t give him the kind of attention he really needed. But YOU will. So he’d NEVER do that to YOU.

So what if it was less than a year after breaking off with his ex before he got together with you? It’s not like an abuser should spend a few years in therapy, and work on his stuff before getting involved in another intimate relationship, right? I mean, after over 4 decades abuse and being an abuser, he can get himself fixed up enough to stop harming others in a just few months, with the right woman to rescue, er, “help” him.

And those stories of how his ex-wife emotionally abandoned him… He’s just had it so ROUGH all his life! He told you how she didn’t even try to keep the marriage together or say that she wanted to try to salvage their relationship when he said he wanted to separate. She was just so unfeeling! The poor man - here he was trying so HARD and all - seeing a counsellor and everything! It couldn’t possibly be that SHE was so emotionally beaten down by his behavior that she was RELIEVED when he wanted to leave… He couldn’t have been emotionally abusive and dishonest with HER too! If his ex-wife didn’t trust him, it had nothing to do with HIM and his behavior - it must have been HER issues.

So what if he USED YOU to break a trust with a woman he was already seeing? It’s not like they were actually *partners* or anything! She was just convenient for hurting his ex (he set her up really nicely to do that a couple of times), getting attention, an ego stroke, and occasional sex while he was waiting for the *right* woman to show up. Since you came along, he doesn’t need her anymore. He’s got YOU to feed his ego. And breaking her trust was a convenient way to ensure that he wouldn’t have to bother with her anymore and could focus on YOU. He did it so carefully too. (He knows that it’s the series of “gentle” cuts that leave the most stinking wounds.) That way, SHE would be the one saying she didn’t want to have anything to do with HIM, and he could blame HER for why they can’t still be friends. Isn’t he clever? What a creative way to get rid of someone when they are no longer useful!

And if this most recent woman doesn’t want to see him anymore or even be friends with him, it must be because she is jealous of the wonderful relationship you and HE have! It must be because he dumped her for you, and she’s just not big enough to accept that. It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the WAY he did things or tried to blame HER for his behavior. It couldn’t have anything to do with him LYING to her and using her, and having a hidden agenda of expectations that he told her she just wasn’t living up to. Nope. That would be his old M.O. playing out again, and he was a changed man by the time he met you. So it couldn’t be THAT.

Besides, even if she deeply cared about him, he didn’t have the same deep feelings for her, so that makes it ok to have sex with you, before talking to HER about it, right? He was just so TAKEN with you! Doesn’t that just make you feel all . . . oh, I don’t know - SPECIAL? She just wasn’t long term partner material, and he made that clear to her anyway. If she knew he didn’t have the same feelings, and was willing to continue to be used by him because she had fallen in love with him, who was HE to turn down that kind of attention and strokes? It’s not like he had any responsibility to not take advantage of someone who was emotionally vulnerable or anything. And he broke things off with her eventually. He just didn’t tell her about you and the sex stuff right away because he wanted to *protect* her from getting hurt. What a GREAT guy! See, he really did have amazing consideration for HER feelings! Withholding information isn’t the same as LYING or anything. That’s not dishonest, right? It couldn’t possibly be that he was deliberately stringing her along until he was sure YOU were hooked. No. He’s too sweet and charming and nice for that. He was just CONFUSED about his feelings, that’s all. Besides, it’s not like you two had UNPROTECTED sex before he told her about you, so that he could use you (the way he used HER) to break THAT trust as well… Even if he’s BROKEN A SACRED TRUST THIS SAME WAY, SEVERAL TIMES BEFORE (with other partners and lovers), he wouldn’t be repeating the same old abuse patterns with you.

You’re special.

And even if he WAS being dishonest at the start of your relationship, he lied to someone ELSE. It’s not like he was dishonest with YOU (that you know of, yet), so that makes it OK, right? (So what if ms-non-partner-material thought the same thing, and excused him, the first time she found out he was dishonest with her? This time, he will be different, because he really LOVES you.)

Of course, he told you how his last sex partner said she didn’t think it would last between you two (when he broke it off with her)… but he couldn’t be using THAT as a ploy to hook you further (wanting to prove her wrong). So what if he used exactly the same line on each new mark in the past, telling the next one in line that the previous one didn’t believe the two of you could last? He wouldn’t be using LINES and PLOYS and subtle MANIPULATION on YOU…

Even if in his past, he DID say,

“Some of the problems I bring about by vamping, pumping up the emotional content of a situation. Of course that’s easy to do with a new friend. I have a stock of techniques and behaviors, tested. I’m also inventive … so I pick up new techniques fairly quickly…

It’s just I’d rather enjoy the “romance”. It comes naturally to me. I enjoy doing it. It’s also a head trip for me, with my poor self esteem, to have someone so taken with me. I like the first results, the joyous feelings, the elation, the euphoria, just not where it leads.”

… he couldn’t possibly still have been doing that with her, or even YOU. He has REAL, deep feelings for you. You’ve even seen him cry and show his vulnerable side. That MUST mean he’s sincere, right? He couldn’t possibly be using YOU for an ego stroke. Not the man YOU know.

He’s just so caring and sensitive and considerate. He’s so sweet, rubbing cream into your hands and feet at night, sending you little cards, reading to you in the afternoon, doing all those romantic things. He really does seem too good to be true - cooking, cleaning, intelligent, literate, creative, affectionate. So what if he was like that for the first year or so with her too… before the subtle patterns of abuse started to creep in? So what if all that “wonderful” behavior shifted until he was telling her he loved her one day and then telling others how horrible she was behind her back the next? He wouldn’t do that to you too, down the road. She must have brought it out in him. He couldn’t possibly be playing the same game over and over again, with you as the next target. All those wonderful things he has done - all the romantic things, all the ways he has helped out and called, and done things for you, they couldn’t all be just scripts. “Stock Techniques” for hooking. No. This time, he’s sincere. This time he’ll be different, with you.

So what if he has been incapable of honesty and integrity all his life? So what if he actually admitted to his ex (just about the time you two met): “I am afraid of truth-tellers. I have so many lies in my past and present. The truth burns.” That couldn’t mean that he was telling lies to YOU. After all, he was so HONEST about his dishonesty so THAT’S got to count for something… It must mean he realizes his mistakes and won’t make the same ones again, right? The fact that he acknowledges things is so CONVINCING. If he acknowledges it, then he couldn’t possibly STILL do those sorts of things. Sure, sure. He had HER convinced too. But he couldn’t possibly be STILL lying to YOU. You’re special.

So what if two of the other women he was involved with wound up in the psychiatric ward? So what if he “helped” a vulnerable friend by encouraging her to break her marriage vows, exacerbating her marital problems, and then abandoning her when she asked if he could be there for her? He needed an ego stroke and she was conveniently there and conveniently vulnerable from a death in the family. So what if he undermined his ex’s support network and used a mentally ill woman’s attraction to him to try and hurt her further? So what if he used and hurt a dying woman so that he could feel needed and in control? He was just being HELPFUL to all those women. Maybe he LIED to them, sometimes, but that was only to PROTECT the fragile little dears. He’s SUCH a sensitive guy, you see. He couldn’t POSSIBLY have been USING people for ego strokes.

So what if he used and was abusive to his life-partner’s children in order to get back at his her? Hurting and using kids is excusable, right? (After all, she must have deserved it. THEY must have deserved it. Right? Because he really DOES love kids… or at least, that’s what he has said…) The guy YOU know could never be like that. And… well… even if he WAS, he’s obviously changed. He’s undergone a miraculous transformation in just one year. He’s just shed ALL those abusive patterns and become a NEW man. He’s going to be completely different, with you.

Yeah, sure, he might have done those kinds of things in the past, but the past is the past, right? It doesn’t have any danger of repeating itself with you. Just because all those other women were “damaged”, doesn’t mean that he will someday be telling people how damaged YOU are… Not YOU. You’re SPECIAL.

His love for you is so strong and your connection to each other is so different (at least, that’s what he has told you, and you know you can trust him, right?), he wouldn’t EVER do anything deliberately hurtful or malicious to YOU. He wouldn’t undermine YOUR support network and use your friends to hurt YOU. He’d never make snide remarks about YOU behind your back and then make sure you found out about it. No no no. SHE must have brought that out in him. But you, you’re special.

Besides, he’s been in therapy. That must mean he’s sincere, right? He wouldn’t possibly be using the whole “therapy” thing as a cover-up to make himself look better because his reputation got damaged after the fiasco with his ex. He couldn’t possibly be using contrition, and the “I feel so bad about myself”-line to get sympathy and support! He couldn’t possibly be looking for a person to hook into that is in a different town so that she has less likelihood of finding out his past. He couldn’t possibly be going after women who have a strong sense of personal responsibility because he knows how to manipulate that to try and get them to feel responsible for HIS sick feelings. He couldn’t possibly be seeking out active, intelligent, dedicated women, so that he can PUNISH them when they don’t direct all that energy to HIM. Just because he has engaged in such manipulative behavior in the past doesn’t mean he would be doing that NOW. Not with YOU. You’re SPECIAL.

He’s so contrite and sincere about “working on his issues”, he couldn’t possibly be lying about that. Just because he has a history pathological lying to himself and others, doesn’t mean he’ll be that way with you. Besides, if he has deceived himself so completely that HE doesn’t know it’s a lie, then he can’t be held accountable for it, right? He can always claim that he doesn’t have good “memory” for things in the past. But don’t worry. He won’t use that sort of deception and evasion with YOU. You’re special.

The poor guy just made bad choices before (you). Sure he made mistakes, but if most of his ex(s) don’t want to have anything to do with him, and some now think he is mentally ill, it must be because THEY are unstable - I mean, look at how amazing and kind and charming he is with you… He couldn’t possibly have been like that with them TOO… He wouldn’t be using stock romance “lines” on YOU.

This time, it’s REALLY love. You’re Special.

Sure, he did a *few* things in his past that were unkind, but he needs to be forgiven for HIS behavior, (after all, she drove him to it), but HER mistakes and reactions to his abuse, were unforgivable. But things will be different with you. He won’t think YOUR mistakes are unforgivable. He won’t apply a double-standard to YOU. He won’t expect YOU to be perfect and subtlely criticize you when you don’t measure up to his standards. You’re the one who is going to change his life. And, of course, you keep your kitchen immaculate, so he’ll have no reason to criticize THAT.

And speaking of unforgivable, of COURSE he can’t forgive her for doing things that *hurt* him (he’s so deeply sensitive, you see) - but he couldn’t possibly have lied about the things he said she did. He couldn’t possibly have “set up” situations so he could cry foul… He wouldn’t have ENCOURAGED her to do things so he could later claim that he was hurt by her… And, well, even if he DID, maybe do that, he certainly won’t do it with YOU. You’re too special for that. Any time he tells you he’s happy for you and he encourages you to do something, he’ll REALLY mean it, with YOU. He won’t create a revisionist fantasy of your past so that he can insist you did things to hurt him as a justification for his cruelty to you. He won’t secretly resent you for not devoting all your time to him. Even if he DID do that with her, he won’t do it with you. Especially after he makes all those sacrifices and moves in with you. He won’t secretly be dependent on YOU for all his attention. He won’t be more demanding of you and your time and resent you when you don’t give it all to him. Not THIS time. You’re SPECIAL.

He’s such a nice guy, he won’t “help” you (especially unsolicited) and then have an unstated hidden agenda like he did with all the others. He’s going to claim his right to be “selfish” now, because he’s been so USED from all the excessive GIVING he did in the past that nobody really appreciated. The poor guy. He’s never taken time to be selfish in the past - not even when he was sitting alone in his room, sucking off his hurts, or using other people. That wasn’t selfish - that was just “acting out”. But he’s better now. Don’t worry. He won’t use his new-found right to be “selfish” against YOU. No. He really is a changed man, with you. With you he will give unconditionally.

It’s no WONDER he behaved so badly! Look at how his ex was always hurting him, oppressing him with her refusal to live her life solely for him, expecting him to be honest with his feelings and actions, when he just wasn’t ready. And besides, he just can’t handle confrontation, you know? And like, she’s just so SCARY when she’s upset (it’s just so unbeCOMing when women display any anger!) that he HAD to act that way. She actually raised her voice at times! Can you imagine? He had this abusive childhood, so nobody else is allowed to have anger except HIM. Because, like, he can’t DEAL with it, and he shouldn’t be expected to! He couldn’t possibly have been projecting HIS issues on her so that someone else could have his anger FOR him, or so that he could get angry with someone other than himself! He couldn’t possibly have been DELIBERATELY hitting all her hot buttons to hurt and upset her so he could lay blame. And, well, even if he DID do that for years, he won’t do it anymore, with you.

And if somehow you accidentally do things that “trigger” his old abuse patterns, he’ll be so sweet in telling you how you are doing things that remind him of her, so that YOU can change YOUR behavior. After all, you wouldn’t want him to start acting abusive again because of something YOU did.

And you don’t have to worry about that, because you’ll never get upset with him, and you’ll never challenge him to be honest or to accept responsibility for his actions. SHE did that, and it was “controlling,” but it’ll be different with you, because you know better. And you won’t need to worry about calling him on his behavior anyway, because he’ll NEVER lie to YOU. He’ll always be completely honest and upfront with you. He won’t have to “forget” any promises he made to YOU. If he is inconsiderate, it won’t be DELIBERATE, with you. If he lied to her or anyone else, it was because they drove him to it. With you, he won’t withhold information, or distort the truth. He won’t break fundamental relationship agreements with YOU. He won’t HAVE to, because you’ll be right there validating him 24/7, supporting him and telling him how he’s so CLEVER and BRAVE to have escaped such a horrible relationship, and how wonderful it is that he is working so HARD to overcome his terrible past!

And it’s a good thing he’s not going to do any of those things he might have done in the past, because then you won’t have to worry about forgiving him. You see, she REPEATEDLY forgave him for the lies and the accidentally-on-purpose “mistakes”, and all that did was make him feel bad about himself - that she could forgive and he couldn’t. Wasn’t that AWFUL of her to make him feel so bad that way? So she DESERVED to be punished even more. And she should NEVER have shown any guilt when he manipulated her. It just caused him to hurt her more. He told her it was “like blood in the water for sharks” for him. She should have known better. YOU know better. But then, he won’t be manipulative and passive-aggressive with YOU.

He’ll be different with you. You’re SPECIAL.

And sure he made her work at the relationship when he wasn’t really trying, but that wasn’t being dishonest - he just didn’t know what he really wanted, so that made it OK to put the burden of the relationship responsibility on her. Sure he admitted that he wanted her to make him the first priority in HER life, but he wasn’t willing to afford her the same consideration. But that wasn’t one of his patterns. He won’t do that with YOU. Besides, he admitted his dishonest behavior after they broke up, so that makes it ok. It erases everything. His slate’s clean. He even said he was sorry, months later, so that shows how sincere he was. He couldn’t possibly still have been interlacing the apology with blame. He’s not STILL acting manipulative and projecting issues…. and well, if he is, he’s only doing that with HER because of their history - he wouldn’t do that with YOU.

And it’s so sweet how he still talks about how much he cared for his ex, how much he did for her out of love. Sometimes, he even talks fondly of his treasured memories of her, of how she “helped” him (when she wasn’t hurting him, the witch) - that must mean he’s a deep, sensitive guy, right? Maybe you can even “help” him to forgive her and heal from his terrible past… Just like SHE thought she could “help” him…

And besides, he did so many NICE things for her and all those other women. That should count for SOMETHING, right? It’s not like he was emotionally abusive or manipulative ALL the time. So it kind of cancels things out, right? It’s not like he HIT anyone or anything. At least the things he did didn’t leave any VISIBLE marks. Besides, he probably just made honest mistakes, that’s all. He couldn’t have actually got off on seeing them hurt and crying. He wouldn’t have LAUGHED condescendingly in someone’s face while she was crying. Not the man YOU are involved with. HE certainly doesn’t remember doing anything like that - and HIS memory is inviolate.

Even if he HAS been emotionally abusive and dishonest with others, he’s going to be different with you. Especially after you two move intogether. It IS especially hard on him having a long-distance relationship. He wouldn’t be talking about how hard it is to keep up the intensity and connectedness over such a distance. He wouldn’t be implying that the relationship might not last if you don’t move in together… He wouldn’t have some kind of hidden agenda around that. He wouldn’t be trying to subtley manipulate you, and get you worried about losing him, like he did with the others. He just REALLY CARES for you, and really wants the two of you to be together.

He’s told you how different he feels with YOU. How different he IS with you. How healing your love is. How much he NEEDS you. What a wonderful person he thinks you are. How important you are in his life. How much he values and appreciates you, and misses you when you are not together. How amazingly transformed he feels now that he has finally met someone as SPECIAL as YOU.

So what if he told her the same things? He really MEANS it this time, with you.

He’s a changed person, (this time, for REAL) with you. You’re special.

You don’t need to talk to any of his ex’s to find out what he was REALLY like, because the past is the past, right? You couldn’t possibly learn anything from their experiences, because he’s not going to be like that anymore. It couldn’t possibly be that they have anything valid to say. Besides, you trust him to tell you the WHOLE TRUTH about his past (as far as he can “remember” it), right?

And he’s such a sensitive, caring guy, he REALLY does wish he and his ex could be FRIENDS now. Even though he NEVER ONCE called her or emailed her and said, “Listen, I don’t want it to end like this. Can we please talk?” (Even when he was still living downstairs. Even when she was in tears, begging him to *please* leave. NEVER ONCE.) SHE is the one to blame for all the bad feelings. It was HER responsibility to rectify things with HIM. And he can’t understand why she would have NO desire to have any contact with him, NO desire to have anything to do with him - after all he did for her, after what they had. After all, SHE is the one who did unforgivable things. He’s so uncomfortable around her now, because of how much she hurt him. He wouldn’t STILL be projecting HIS issues on her, and implying that they are HER issues… After all, he’s a changed man.

But you don’t have to worry. He won’t PUBLICLY divulge YOUR insecurities or deeply intimate things you told him in confidence - he won’t betray your trust - like he did with her. No matter what happens between you and him, you’ll ALWAYS BE FRIENDS. You and he will always be able to work things out. So what if he said EXACTLY THE SAME THING TO HER (and all the others) too? It’ll be different with you. You’re special.

He won’t wait a year or two before he starts in on YOU. He won’t then use his knowledge of YOUR insecurities and emotional hot buttons to deliberately hurt YOU. He won’t start using psychological warfare to couch his deliberately hurtful actions in social plausibility with YOU. He won’t flirt with your close friends and use any attraction they might have to him, against YOU. NO. He won’t tell you that you just weren’t meeting his needs or living up to his expectations. He won’t expect you to read his mind. He won’t try to make it look like YOU are the reason he is unhappy, and YOU are the cause of your relationship problems. He won’t set you up to get upset with him so that YOU are the one who breaks it off with him, (or you get so angry with him that he HAS to break it off with YOU) and HE looks like a martyr (AGAIN). So what if he made all the same promises to her? Just because he was following some of his old patterns when he got involved with you, doesn’t mean he’s going to follow through on the rest of them. He’s CHANGED now.

You’re special. Just like SHE was when he was with HER. Just like they ALL thought they were.

He’s so sensitive and compassionate, he couldn’t have talked coldly to them about killing animals or wanting to break someone’s legs. No. Not the man YOU know. He’s different with YOU.

And when he starts telling you how much he MISSES his adult son, it won’t be to deflect, and distract you from being upset with him because he has just said or done something really inconsiderate or unkind. It won’t be to evoke sympathy from you and get you thinking what a wonderful, caring parent he is. Just because he lived less than a mile away from his son and hardly ever SAW him doesn’t mean that the “missing” monologue is for attention and redirection.

He’s so nice right now, so supportive. So what if he was that way with her too at the beginning? He won’t revert back to his headgames of praising and encouraging one minute and subtlely criticizing how you keep the house, the way you do things, things you say, in the next. He wouldn’t yank YOUR chain like that.

He’s so attentive right now, so interested in everything you say and do! He won’t turn around one day and tell you he’s NOT INTERESTED in the things that interest you, and then accuse you of not paying enough attention to HIM. He won’t get mopey and upset because you get more attention than he does at social functions. He won’t resent you for your charisma. Just because he did that before doesn’t mean he’s going to do it again with YOU. As long as you make sure HE is the center of attention, and he’s getting his ego stroked, he probably won’t get nasty with you… Right? It couldn’t be that he is a bottomless pit, and that you can NEVER give him enough attention. Not the man YOU know. Not with YOU. You’re special.

And the fact that another woman’s experience was so terrible with him, his distortions and multiple personalities so devastating that she felt compelled to warn other people about him and the “type” of abuser he is - well that’s no consequence. It must have been *her* that brought it out in him. He’s so different now that he’s found YOU and your healing love. So what if he said the same kinds of things to her? You are going to ignore those nagging little doubts in the back of your mind, because you want to believe so badly in the sweet, helpful, romantic person he is portraying right now. You don’t want to believe there is a dark malicious side to him that enjoys seeing others suffer. You want to believe you are special, and he is right there encouraging you, building you up, telling you how nobody understands him the way YOU do. He’s telling you that he just wants to stop feeling BAD about himself (and she made him feel that way, the witch!). He’s telling you that if he can’t make it work with you, he’s afraid he can’t make it with ANYONE… It’s so tragic… (Yeah, he said that to her too, but so what?)

YOU are the one who can “fix” his wounded ego. Your relationship with him will be So Much Better than his last ones, because you’re special! With you, he’ll be honest and straight-forward for the first time in his life. He won’t become cruel or passive-aggressive. He won’t play headgames anymore. He’ll stop using and discarding people like old kleenex. He won’t be rude or unkind or disrespectful like he was with those other women. HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH, HE’S NOW A CHANGED MAN. (Changed for the better, of course.) Not because of therapy. Not because he’s removed himself from relationships and taken some serious time to get his shit together. Not because he REALLY apologized (without interlacing it with blame) to anyone he harmed in the past, or made amends. Not because he’s done any REAL work. Not because he’s actually admitted to his real motivations, or made a single sincere change.

He just needed to find the RIGHT woman to “save” him from himself and “help” him become a better man, and that’s YOU.

You just KNOW he’ll be different with you. Right?

Munchausen is an illness where a person fakes illnesses similar to a hypochondriac only someone with Munchausen will ingest poisonous things or break their own bones to cause hospital visits. Munchausen by proxy is when the person creates illnesses in their children by making them inhale or ingest poison or will break their bones. Munchausen by Internet is when a person pretends emotional illnesses to get sympathy from others.  Being a counselor did not insulate me from becoming prey to someone with Munchausen by Internet.  Here is my story.  

 I met Katrina through a friend of mine.  She was going by another name and claimed to be 17.  My friend asked for help because of this girl’s multiple problems including suicide ideation, gang membership, criminal background, and numerous other problems.  I agreed to help as a friend even though I did not normally take on teenagers.  Katrina’s story then was that she and her two brothers had escaped from their mother after their father was put in prison for gang related murder.  After they had arrived in Texas, it was discovered that Katrina had cancer and was pregnant by a drug lord.  Her older brother arranged for them to rob a place where they were caught by the police.  A shoot out ensued, her twin brother shot a cop in front of her and she accidentally shot her older brother.  She and her twin brother were put into a juvenile detention center where she had her child, claimed that a friend was his father and gave him to him to raise.  She claimed to be worth several million dollars which her father had earned through being a gang boss.  She was to inherit this when she was 21.  In the meantime an investor had control of it.  She claimed to be in foster care with a man that beat her frequently and whose friend sexually abused her.Six months into the relationship, Katrina was claiming to be in a treatment facility.  She made up a Social Worker called Megan who told us that Katrina was only 12 and this was discovered by her jaw structure.  Among other things Megan told us that Katrina was highly intelligent, spoke several languages, was becoming stable under her new drug regime and wanted someone else to take guardianship of her because she hated her drug addicted mother.   My friend happily agreed however her life was unstable and because of that she was considered unfit for guardianship so my husband and I agreed to apply for it. This is where the true nightmare began.  Every day it was something new.  She was raped; she was discovered with a gun in her possession and had to go back to court; she had a PCP flashback and was hospitalized; her father was up for parole and she was required to testify for him; she began having seizures everyday as her cancer progressed; she was in and out of the hospital with treatments and illnesses.  Every night I talked to her, attempting to get to know her as a potential guardian and wondering why if she wanted us so much to be her guardians, we were not getting any paperwork or phone calls from anyone.  At the end of the summer she was to come to visit us however there was still no sign of paperwork which we were insisting that she bring.  She claimed that she got on a bus to come to us but had a miscarriage while on the bus and then took off to California where her mother lived because we were again insisting that she needed paperwork before she could come to us.  For awhile she claimed to be living with a stepfather, then with the father of her son whom she called Jeff and then out on the streets. 

 She eventually claimed to go back to her mother who was on husband number seven and was living in a nice suburb of Los Angeles.  She talked about daily beatings, her mother being strung out on drugs and again begged us to take guardianship.  We agreed under the condition that paperwork would have to come before she could come to us.  She claimed that her mother was refusing to give up guardianship.  She was stringing us along however by claiming that the police had been there, a social worker had visited and found her mother unfit, there were psychological evaluations that were being done and her lawyer was working on the paperwork and on getting her mother to sign.

As her stories became more unbelievable and we continued to find nothing suggesting that any of the incidents had occurred we became more and more suspicious of whether anything was real.  We used a web-cam on several occasions so we saw her and knew her to be a real person that was indeed a female.  Beyond that we did not know anything.  She emailed us pictures of people that she claimed to be her father, her son and of her friend Jeff.  As we continued to persist in asking where she was at, she eventually gave us a partial address.  We had nothing else to go on however so we didn’t pursue the address at that time.

She wanted a job and wanted to be independent of her mother so we offered her a job here working for my brother-in-law who was indeed renovating a building to move his expanding business into.  Since she had already claimed to have been where we live stating that she had walked the whole 1500 miles here barefoot and in the snow (which we did not believe) we did not think that she would take us up on it.  A couple of nights later however, she appeared on our doorstep stating that she had driven her mother’s car and that she had forged identity that would allow her to work.  In person, she looked much older then her stated age of 13 (she had a birthday).  We allowed her to stay the night and then put her up in a hotel room the next day, paid for a month with the understanding that she was to get a job and she was to pay off part of the money by doing some work around the house for us.  With her on our doorstep, we renewed our efforts to find out her true identity.  With the partial address, I looked again on the Internet and started calling people in the neighborhood.  On the second call, I struck gold. 

 Jeff turned out to be indeed a friend of Katrina’s only the boy Katrina had sent pictures of was his sister’s son.  Katrina was 24 years old and her parents were a nice couple who lived in Houston Texas.  Katrina had one sister and no brothers; had indeed been in some legal problems but as an adult not as a juvenile and had received probation which she had recently been released from.  She was a known liar and Jeff knew not to believe anything she said.  Conversations that were supposedly been conducted with him were conducted with her. 

We had a wonderful talk with her parents who were at their wits end as to how to help her.  They were unhappy to have been lied to again.  Katrina had told them that she was having Christmas with her fiance’s grandparents.  Katrina went back to California and is, as far as we know, staying with her friend, Jeff again.  I have since spoken to her a couple of times.  She has apologised and that is all.

My view of weight loss is based on research however it does put a few popular views on their head. 

Our bodies have a set point.  That set point is the point at which our weight is genetically programmed into us to be.  For example if at adulthood, your weight is 140 pounds and you have remained at that weight for over a year without trying to diet then that is your set point.  When you are hungry, your body is telling you to eat to regain the set point.  When you are full, your body is telling you to not eat anymore because your set point has been reached.

 Over evolution what has happened is when an animal is starved, the body has learned to raise the set point so that if the animal is starved again, it has fat reserves.  What happens then when we lose weight is we are in essence starving ourselves.  What this means is that we are messing with our set point.  Messing with your set point means that unless you want to regain that weight plus more, you will be hungry for the rest of your life.

 This is not to say that it can’t be done.  Many people do.  I believe though that the reason why so many people fail is because they fail to anticipate the hungar pains.  The reason why constant tracking of what you eat, closely monitoring what you weigh and exercise works is because instead of relying on our bodies to tell us when to stop, we have to rely on our brains.

 I invite comments on this controversial position.