The Confidence Game

Posted December 23, 2008

In Uncategorized

It happened again. Twice. I heard clients say, “Well, I just have to trust.” or “I just have to be confident.” I myself have done it a thousand times.

Most business books I’ve read say the same thing: You have to be passionate! You have to let them know what you are promising. You have to have confidence in yourself.

The trouble is, sometimes we aren’t confident, or we aren’t passionate. What if you’ve been in your business less than three years? Even in an experienced “well-aged” business, you may be starting a new venture, something you haven’t tried before. At these times, trying to have confidence is actually playing a “con” fidence game on yourself. So how do you have confidence in these situations.

Here’s the answer: you don’t.

When we talk about confidence, or trust, what we’re really talking about is faith. And I make a distinction between faith and belief. Believing something is when you have a mental understanding, “I believe this can work. I believe we’ll succeed.”

Faith, on the other hand, in my book, is a full-body knowing, it IS the certainty. It IS the trust. You don’t have to have it, you just do.

How do you get there? Through experience, and only through experience. Imagine you’ve never seen a chair before, and you suddenly get a nice, new wicker one. Someone tells you it will hold you up comfortably if you sit in it, and you believe them. But something in you is still a little nervous.

You go to sit in it, and, because it’s wicker, it creaks a little. Is it going to break? Will I fall down? You stand up quickly, and check it out. Yet, after sitting in it several times, you have faith that it will hold you up– you KNOW it won’t fall down, and that when it creaks, that’s normal.

You don’t trust until you trust.

And until you let yourself be authentic with your lack of trust, there is always a part of you that will say “I’m NOT going to trust.” When you allow yourself to be authentic with not trusting, then you can suddenly change from digging your heels in, “No WAY!” to making it what I call ‘a sincere question:’ which is “Can I trust?” Having a sincere question rather than digging in your heels, means that you are open to exploring and finding out- that you can begin to learn to have confidence.

Two Very Quick Stories

Story One: When I worked in another coaching company, I kept thinking “I have to be confident,” and would market myself relentlessly, trying to be confident. And I looked confident, I sounded confident, but I didn’t feel confident. And, you know what, I had very few clients. People knew I wasn’t confident.

Story Two: When I started Heart of Business, I realized I wasn’t confident, even though I was excited. I believed it would work, but I hadn’t sat in the chair enough times to know. I couldn’t yet promise the results to clients I wanted to, but I knew I could take them somewhere. So, I tagged my first seminar “An EXPLORATION into business for the entrepreneurial heart.”

Now, after having worked with literally hundreds and hundreds of clients, I have faith. I know our approach supports people. And I can promise people a “transformation” rather than an “exploration.”

But How Did I Acquire Such Confidence and Faith?

I gave myself the room to be in an exploration- “Does this work?” until I could say with certainty “This works, no question.” At that point attendance went up, prices went up, profitability went up, results went WAY up. But I had to get there.

Keys to Confidence

• Be more confident with what is already true for you.

If you’re not feeling confident, be clear and confident about that. “Well, folks, I’m not sure if this going to work, but let’s have fun seeing if it does.”

• What are you believing confidence would give you?

If you are paralyzed by the need for confidence, take some time with your heart to find out what do you think you would gain by having confidence. Would it gain you acceptance? Safety? Love?

Ask your heart the question, and be willing to be surprised by the answer. Instead of going directly for the confidence, get what your heart is needing now, through a practice like the Remembrance, or meditation.

• Take a deep, gentle breath. And again.

The nervousness that accompanies a lack of confidence also keeps up from breathing. It sounds simple, but you just can’t accomplish very much without oxygen. As Starhawk has said: “Fear is excitement without breath.”

When you’re facing the unknown– a collapsing economy, a new business venture, or other minor inconveniences 😉 — remember that you don’t have to create confidence out of thing air. Find the sincere question, let your heart seek what it’s truly needing, and remember to breath.

Then, step forward only as far as the faith and confidence you already have will take you, knowing you’ll find more along the way.

What’s your own best way of dealing with the ‘confidence game’?

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confidence, faith, small business, Starhawk, the Remembrance