Wouldn’t it be Funny If…

Most of us have seen the second Wayne’s World movie (though, a great many of us could’ve gotten along just fine without it, but I digress…). There’s the part in the movie where the old British roadie guy is describing how Ozzy Osbourne refused to perform onstage unless he had 1000 brown M&M’s in a brandy glass. I realize it’s fictional and all that, but that story has always made me think less of rock stars (well, the types of rock stars that would pull that crap - and I believe they exist).

So, to set the scene: let’s say Tom Smith is a famous musician who is slated to perform at the Staples Center in downtown L.A. It’s a few minutes before he’s to start playing when he suddenly has a hankering…

Tom Smith: I’m not playing unless you get me 15 pure white doves. I want their beauty in my presence.
Guy in Charge: Um, sorry, that’s not going to happen.
TS: Well, then I guess I’ll just pack up my prissy little knickers and be on my way, then.
GiC: Aw, crap, don’t leave, let me see what I can do…
TS: Excellent.

Now, what if GiC left the room and returned with a gigantic, pro-wrestler-looking dude in tow. Without saying a word, Big Man proceeds to beat the ever-loving piss out of Mr. Smith. Once Mr. Smith is good and screwed up, Big Man quietly gather’s the musicians personal effects (as well as Tom himself) and walks them all to the back entrance of the building and summarily tosses the lot outside into some alley and closes the door.

And the crown jewel of the whole thing would be that it was videotaped, start to finish (including the musician’s prickish behavior at the beginning that ultimately landed him bloodied in a Los Angeles alley).

I think if more venues were this (in)tolerant of candy-assed musicians and their unreasonable “requirements”, music would be better, generally.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 4th, 2008 at 7:15 am