I Don't Get the Humans

Leudiski

2008-02-28T04:16:00.010-09:00

Aldana iuval-o,

Kulekuo meb inglesh eskrudeo. "Sa...."

Tankeo idin nayamaluo atob anaki-imost sob dis mujin. Nameb zetuval-jenetik-o nib koisaki-ta deb korprateki ai o natrisank sab ka komraki-o tankeish deb komrakia-ish, sabekuo naliganikeo must.

Skahun natoruo sab uman sageneish "jarming eksenjrik". Isamutzai tiklokimost nati-disi mireish komo diversoki, mai most deb urikani-ibruyan deb najumal-ish kuruish deb semyad-dis.

Mai Isamutzai urikanifueni-ta fajeish. Zetmosti suish.

Ibaneish papi-o?

Agent AlEx

The Ten Percent Law

2008-02-14T22:06:00.003-09:00

Dear Aldana,

The humans engage is widespread scientific fallacies. They still believe, for instance, that they use only ten percent of their brains. One only has to look at one of their brain scans to see this is not true.

The only evidence I have found that humans might only use ten percent of their brains is in their tradition of Black Friday congregation at Walmart and occasional perusals of comments on their internet news sites, but in reality this can better be explained by a hormonal blockage of all but the primitive reptile brains nearest the center that causes blind faith in their leaders as well as an instinctive urge to mark their territory. Unfortunately scans of brain activity do not support this.

I suspect this arbitrary percentage was created by the eHumans to explain the behavior of the Talking Monkeys in a way that makes them feel as if something could be done with enough education and training. Not so. They are lost. Their species would be better off if they simply neutered anyone who thought visiting You Tube was a good use of time, or at the very least, traded these spoiled Talking Monkeys for eHumans who have been living in poverty. Hardship is the only way a Talking Monkey might learn to be a human.

Again, when is the transport arriving?

Agent AlEx

X vs Y

2008-01-29T04:36:00.000-09:00

Dear Aldana,

Human genders are based on the pairing of two chromosomes like most carbon-based vertebrates in the galaxy. They refer to them as X and Y. Two Xes make a female, and an X and Y result in a male, as usual it is opposite to the gender determinations of creatures capable of flight.

Nevertheless, traditionally among Talking Monkeys it is believed that intellect and reason are the domain of the males and emotion is the domain of the females. This may have something to do with the education of women being outlawed early in their written history. Out of fear, I suppose. It has taken centuries for the most industrial areas of the planet to allow their females a place in their educational institutions, and even now they are discouraged from careers in the sciences and mathematics.

It will be an interesting day when the hundredth monkey discovers the cerebrum develops based on the chromosome donated by the mother and the limbic system develops based on the chromosome donated by the father.

Then again, the Talking Monkeys rule this planet. Unlike the minority of eHumans they are capable of ignoring that which does not fit their world view.

Agent AlEx

The Acting Business

2008-01-13T02:48:00.000-09:00

Dear Aldana,

Not a day goes by when I do not mentally thank you for not assigning me undercover in the acting business. The Talking Monkeys have formed an entire area of commerce solely based on publishing pictures of physical flaws of celebrities in bathing suits. One wonders what these Talking Monkey Ratz who lack the drive and talent to obtain employment as actual photographers look like in bathing suits, as an eHuman friend pointed out, after living on a stalker's diet of coffee and burritos.

Agent AlEx

Apes

2008-01-12T10:16:00.000-09:00

Dear Aldana,

In answer to your question, yes, generally the lower form of primate on this planet known as the "monkey" is considered an adorable and amusing creature by many humans on this planet.

In captivity they also have the habit of throwing their waste and acting solely on the impulses to mate and eat and gather more food than the other monkeys. Larger primates sometimes exhibit the ability to reason and create art and demonstrate compassion for creatures outside their species.

The reason I refer to some humans as Talking Monkeys is because rather than realizing their potential to reason and create art and demonstrated compassion for creatures outside their species, these humans will hurt other humans in the quest for commercial fads, will borrow monies to purchase items not necessary for survival, will steal art created by eHumans and expect compassion but never give it. These are the behavior patterns of lower primates.

Humans have one chromosome less than their nearest genetic relative from the fusing of two primate chromosomes into one. One would think their behavior pattern would be closer to the behavior patterns of their nearest relatives, but for many of them, sadly this is not the case. They continue to relish and demonstrate the behavior of the lower primates. Talking Monkeys look just like any other humans. In fact, Talking Monkeys can have eHuman children and eHumans can have Talking Monkey children. It is not a matter of genetics as far as I can tell.

As I said before, there is absolutely no way to tell if a human is an eHuman or a Talking Monkey if it is just standing there. You have to wait until it does something.

Interestingly, even the eHumans have not yet widely accepted that bacteria are more evolved than they are. They think because they are smaller, they are less so. Amazing.

Agent AlEx

2008-01-10T04:46:00.000-09:00

Dear Aldana,

I would like to request a new Surval unit. The refurbished one you provided recently sometimes ignores my requests and provides reasons for doing so. With all due respect to whomever designed the new programming package, I would be more comfortable with a downgrade.

It is even asking that I give it a name. It is not supposed to care, is it?

If you cannot provide a new unit or a programming patch I am going to name it Gir or Bender. They are fictional synthetic life forms from this planet. They never function as expected.

Agent AlEx

The True Rulers of this planet

2008-01-04T05:19:00.000-09:00

are the pets. I have heard comedians remark on this on occasion but I have come to the conclusion that this is true.

Free food, warm homes, someone picks up your waste and discards it for you, and humans want to serve them even if they have no idea what they are talking about.

I was stranded here several years before I became aware that humans don't engage in interspecies communication. I should have known this immediately. They can barely understand each other.

Did I say "stranded"? I did! I meant I had been on this assignment several years. I should have been on this assignment several years less than I have been. I feel I have been patient. The others also wish to know our new departure date.

Agent AlEx

Alien Invasion

2008-01-02T02:52:00.000-09:00

Dear Aldana,

I have just watched another of these Alien Invasion movies the humans are fond of. Ridiculous.

Talking Monkeys like explosions. They are exciting, flashy and big, but ultimately they are useless for creating anything but noise and enemies. I suppose because they developed explosive materials fairly recently in their history they still believe on some level they have harnessed lightning.

Alien Invasion movies rank slightly higher than Alien Abduction movies, which are even more ridiculous. Invariably every invading alien force attacks large population centers with giant explosions, then the humans fight back and win. They have no idea how vulnerable they are making themselves.

For instance, this planet obtains much of its oxygen from a stretch of conifer trees near the polar regions. What keeps these trees alive is the cold. It is too cold for insects and animals to live long enough to eat-- because there is nothing to eat them, so they thrive.

Introduce a creature capable of eating arctic conifers and the entire population suffocates. Better yet, wait for the Talking Monkeys to warm up the atmosphere with greenhouse gases like the population of Sol 2 and things will move in on their own to eat them.

Introduce a virus that targets photoplankton, and the entire population suffocates.

Introduce an insect that targets one of the 8 plants they base their entire diets on, and the entire planet starves. They are even making this easier by genetically modifying them so they can't produce viable seed and making it illegal to harvest seeds from plants that do. They are making it easier to destroy them-- if they do not do it themselves.

What is it about these Talking Monkeys which makes them loathe biodiversity?

AlEx

My Thrifty Human Food Plan

2007-12-31T18:04:00.000-09:00

Dear Aldana,

It is day 16863. Known here as "New Year's Eve". Many Talking Monkeys will become inebriated then kill people who may or may not be Talking Monkeys with their vehicles tonight. I am staying inside. I hope the majority of the Enlightened Humans, hereafter referred to as eHumans at your request, will do likewise.

Thank you for sending Dr. Doon's file so soon after I requested it. I would perhaps be in a better mood if you would send my transport so quickly.

My Thrifty Food plan is as follows:

Breakfast: 1 serving of egg substitute or egg white + 1 cup of soymilk or 2 T peanut butter
2 slices whole wheat bread

Snack: Fruit

Lunch: Potato with 1 cup mixed vegetables
1 serving nuts or edamame or egg substitute or egg white
Fruit

Snack: Popcorn or oatmeal and soymilk

Supper: 2 c green salad
1 fruit
1 oz cheese substitute or hard-cooked egg white
1/2 oz chopped nuts or hard-cooked egg white

I have not included other items I would use in small amounts such as marmalade, olive oil or salad dressing as they have no nutritional value.

The Surval says although this avoids all cholesterol this amounts to about 1400 kilocalories. This is less than recommended for most humans. It is true I am not as active as I was at the beginning of this assignment but I'm not sure 1400 kilocalories will be enough to sustain me and this may need to be adjusted with the supplemental calorie pills they sell in most places called M&Ms.

It is perhaps fitting that the Thrifty Food Plan results in a sharp reduction in calories as it is designed to feed the hungry citizens with as little public funding as possible. Admittedly this will only give me the barest glimpse of what it is like to be hungry in a land known for obesity. I understand your concern that none of us end up in a medical facility but I fear the results of this experiment will be misleading if you insist that the Surval must monitor my health. Nutritional health problems are common among the poor here.

You did not answer my question about the Neranda Wormhole negotiations.

Agent AlEx

My Pyramid vs Thrifty Food

2007-12-31T03:26:00.000-09:00

Dear Aldana,

Yes, I am continuing to attempt to experience several human lifestyles while I am on this planet. I believe I have successfully convinced the humans I am fond of that these experiments are exercises in personal discipline.

Humans take great pride in attempts at personal discipline but interestingly gain more respect for their failure to complete their goals. Those who fail invariably fall into some category in which other humans who have also failed lend them mental and emotional support, whereas humans who complete their goals draw the ire of the others. Typically the Enlightened Humans are ashamed of failure but the Talking Monkeys are ashamed of success. This is one of the only ways to tell Humans from Talking Monkeys. Would that it were possible just to tell by looking at them, but alas, it cannot be done.

To keep myself from drawing too much attention I generally place a secret time limit on my goals so I can say that I have failed. Trust me when I tell you this is the only option available to me if I am to remain inconspicuous. Too many successes will result in curiosity and hatred. You should see how much these Talking Monkeys loathe their celebrities.

It is almost January. The solar year is divided into 12 parts, unevenly for some reason, which roughly correspond to the revolution of Earth's single moon. January is the month at the beginning of the solar year in this area. It is named for an ancient god named Janus who had two faces, one looking forward and the other backward. January is the traditional time Enlightened Humans and Talking Monkeys announce new goals for the year. Talking Monkeys do this in order to have something to fail so they can renew their annual cycle of emotional co-dependence.

This is the perfect time to make a public announcement of new goals. In order to experience a different part of society as best I can without blowing my cover, I have decided to try and survive on the United States Government's Thrifty Food Plan. This is the menu plan suggested by the ruling body of this area of the continent that decides how much money will be distributed to needy people for food.

I could not help but notice this menu relies heavily on orange juice. It's also very high in dairy and meat products, both industries which contribute heavily to the election of government officials here. The Vegetarian Main Dishes section consists of Cheese Stuffed Potatoes made with whole milk. That's it. In fact, here is the suggested menu for one person for Monday:

Breakfast:
3/4 c orange juice
1/2 cup hash brown potatoes
2 biscuits with margarine and jelly

Lunch:
Chicken and vegetables (5 oz chicken thighs and 2.5 oz green beans)
Scalloped Potatoes (1/2 lb potato and 1/2 cup whole milk)
3 oz grapes
1 slice whole wheat bread with margarine
2x2 inch piece of peach cake
1/2 cup milk

Dinner:
Southwestern salad (provides 1/4 of a tomato)
1 1/2 cups steamed rice
1/2 cup of apples and oranges (combined)
1/2 cup milk

Snack:
1 1/2 cups popcorn

There is no denying on this food plan the country I'm living in would no longer be the fattest on the planet, but honestly, the inhabitants here are unlikely to use a shot glass for their milk. I'm not even sure where one would turn to find a 4 oz drinking glass. Some teacups hold 6 ounces, I believe.

Biscuits have nearly no nutritional value, even for humans. They will require far more than 3/4 cup of orange juice to wash down. If you ordered pandi bread without the spices or fruit glaze and the custodian of the delivery ship sat on them then threw them in the cargo bay for a week near the heating element before remembering to deliver them, you might have some idea how dry, bland and dense a "biscuit" can be. Two of them would almost cover a female hand. There's a reason they almost always soak them in melted fats or gravies here.

When I look at the rest of the menu it appears unfit for anyone with diabetes or high cholesterol. Milk is especially bad for both of them. Although I have neither of these conditions, as you know most of us on assignment here have to avoid this planet's animal products as much as possible because we don't have the organ that digests cholesterol. Even the organ the humans have which serves this purpose is only there as a backup in case of famine. It is prone to failure if overused. Can you believe their own government is promoting this diet? Why are the politicians and salesmen doing this rather than the scientists?

Where are the scientists? They seem to be trapped in the Food Guide Pyramid, where people who can afford food are given a menu which includes more fruits and vegetables, saffron rice, slivered almonds and whole grains. This monstrous Thrifty Plan is replacing the suggested variety of colorful vegetables with potatoes and onions because they are made of vegetable matter. A handful of green beans and a quarter of a tomato does not constitute a variety of vegetables.

I will have to draft a menu myself of similar products but more suited to my constitution and of a similar price. There are various sources which quote different amounts but for 31 days it comes out to $150 US for food for an adult human in my area. I may have to rely heavily on potatoes as I find I can stomach them far better than noodles and rice-- which seem to turn into sugar in my brain. I also have 10 pounds of them on hand. I will definitely have to add more than 2.5 ounces of green beans and a quarter of a tomato for vegetables!

My goal is to see if I can survive and create a healthy diet on the recommended monetary restrictions for two months. I will need you to resend a copy of that interstellar Nutritional Equivalence chart by Dr. Leland Doon. I have been here so long my crystals ran out of storage space and it was one of the files I purged as no longer necessary shortly after I arrived.

Perhaps my goal should actually be to see whether I can survive on the recommended monetary restrictions for two months without going insane.

Please forward the attached message to my children.

How long are the negotiations over privatization of the Neranda wormhole expected to last? It is of no small concern to me as you can imagine.

Agent AlEx

I Don't Get the Humans

2007-12-29T15:24:00.000-09:00

Dear Aldana,

It is day 16861 since I began this assignment and I still do not get the humans.

I have been working undercover in a factory. There are some humans there I have grown fond of. Many I have not.

As I have remarked many times before, on the surface most humans appear similar. My extensive genetic testing confirmed this. Humans appear to be a very young species on this planet from a very small genetic pool. Homo Sapiens are the only species I have confirmed. Their history seems to suggest they exterminated all other species of humans. Once rid of their competitors they turned on each other. It's quite remarkable. I have never before encountered a species which habitually engages in its own genocide. Even the Slythies destroyed their own species by accident. It is odd.

I think I may be on to something. There is a vast difference between the humans I am fond of and the ones I dislike. Not on the genetic level. The humans I like all share a common interest in personal enlightenment. Like us, they believe sometimes things that happen to them are beyond their control and accept it graciously and with a sense of humor. But a vast majority of humans are what I have come to generously refer to as Talking Monkeys.

Talking Monkeys each believe the universe was created specifically for them, personally. They are more frustrating than you can possibly imagine. Even their senses of humor revolve around complaints. They-- and I know this is going to be hard to grasp, but hear me out-- actually believe that their jobs are the highest purpose in life. Yes, really. All Talking Monkeys are working while waiting to die.

I believe herein lies the conflict. Talking Monkeys, each being the center of the universe (imagine!), band together with similar Talking Monkeys to ostracize and destroy Talking Monkeys with slightly dissimilar views. Sometimes they have the same exact views but resort to fighting over the name of a deity. Or whether the same holy book is literal or allegory. There is really no way to describe it.

I had thought I assimilated into my factory seamlessly. But recently a human I was neither fond of nor disliked died when he lost control of his vehicle because he was not wearing a safety harness. I did not know him well enough to find out whether he was a Talking Monkey or a Human, but when he wasn't complaining about his boring job or his mate tricking him into impregnating her he did have a sense of humor that extended to outside work. He had even been working on a piece of fiction.

I can say before his death he was ridiculed by many Talking Monkeys. After his death they put out a local announcement full of lies which contradicted things I heard him say quite often. Now all the Talking Monkeys like him.

On the one hand, he had potential and interests outside of work and it's perhaps good that his mate tricked him into having young. On the other, I can't help wondering what good it does this species to pass on the genetic material of someone who can't be bothered to use a safety harness on an icy road when he has young to support. But I have kept quiet about this. I am not as assimilated as I had thought but I know expressing this would make me stand out, however logical.

Humans seem to be on a collision course with destiny. It's astounding they made it this far but it is still my contention like 96.6% of races that make it to a local moon they will destroy themselves before they go any further into space.

Speaking of, I can't help but notice you still haven't answered the most pressing question of my last message. When is a transport arriving? My contract is up soon and I would like to leave as soon as possible.

Agent AlEx