It is so hard sometimes as a father of three and husband to not offend people. We have two sets of in-laws who are always eager to have us visit on holidays. The trouble begins when they both expect us to be there. Since they live 80 miles apart, it makes going both places nearly impossible. Feelings sometimes get hurt when we go to one family’s house in place of the other. We have felt really bad before when one family really wanted us there and sort of let us know that later through what you might call a “guilt trip lite.” For me as a dad, it’s really easy to get angry. I mean, I have my lovely wife and kids to think about and protect first before I start trying to please anyone else. I think that is how I get through the holidays, I get a little bit of an attitude. I wonder if that is a kind thing? Like I said before… I guess it doesn’t really matter because my wife and kids come first. Today I called my mom, she’s 62, and told her very politely that we wouldn’t be driving down to her house on Easter (the day after tomorrow). It was so sad because you could hear the disappointment in her voice: “Not at all?” she replied. I got into a long speech about how things have been busy for the family and that the girls (aged 9 months and 3 years) both had runny noses and bad coughs. Nothing really seemed to convince her. She ended up being very kind though and said she understood. The truth is, we just want to have our own family Easter this year. This has been a rough year for me because I lost my Grandpa, who was really my mentor and like a third parent to me growing up. When he died last month, it was overwhelming to me. How could someone so strong die? I felt sadness in a way I haven’t ever felt it before. It’s times like that when you are forced to choose to let the sadness overwhelm you or to turn it into a positive thing. My mom was very sad we couldn’t come over on Easter, but ultimately she accepted it and encouraged me to have a great Easter with my family. As a result, I will be having a restful Easter giving my kids the strength of a dad just like my grandpa gave me so much strength the years he was with me. I think when family members put demands us, they do it for good intentions. The problem is that those intentions can cause bad feelings in us: they can DRAIN us of energy. This does no one any good, even them. For this reason, I recommend you do what my wife and I do: be firm and loving but say no. It is so hard to do that I know. Some parents/family will not be as understanding as mine was about this but you still have to do it. Whether you are married, have kids, or if you are just a single person, there will come times when your family will put undue pressure on your. Remember to love them but more importantly to love yourself enough to set healthy boundaries that keep you and your loved ones healthy. Sometimes that means saying no to trips over the holidays. Boundaries are healthy on a ski slope or between states, so why do we shy away from them in relationships? Probably because it is easier said than done. How are you at setting boundaries with loved ones?

About the guest blogger: Damien Riley, author, teacher and dad, is a dedicated pop culture and news watcher.

His blog, Postcards from the Funny Farm, covers topics including teaching, inspiration, humor, and psychology. http://rileycentral.net/wordpress

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